Pearls Before Swine | Search

Rat's Travel Guide to the World's Great Cities
Chapter 1: Baghdad
Plusses:
Warm.
Cheap.
Not too touristy.
Minuses:
People with beards try to kill you.
This can ruin an otherwise wonderful vacation.

THE PARTY STARTS IN AN HOUR. AREN'T YOU READY YET?
WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP ALREADY? DON'T MAKE ME THROW MY SHOE AT YOU.
DON'T YOU THREATEN ME. I'LL THROW THAT SHOE RIGHT BACK.
OHH... SO NOW YOU'RE THREATENING ME, ARE YOU?
DORIS... HI, IT'S BETTY. WE'RE GONNA BE LATE.

Dear Kim Jong il,
I know you have a bomb, so please don't get mad at me when I say this, but......
You're having a bad hair day.
YOU STUPID PIG...WHY DO YOU WRITE DUMB LETTERS TO DICTATORS WHO ARE NEVER GONNA READ THEM AND COULDN'T CARE LESS WHAT YOU THINK?
YOUR HAIR IS FINE, SIR.

LOOKS LIKE THE NATIONAL CARTOONISTS SOCIETY IS GONNA START TESTING COMIC STRIP CHARACTERS FOR STEROIDS.
IS THAT EVEN NECESSARY?
I DOUBT IT... STEROIDS MAKE YOU STRONGER, NOT FUNNIER... SO I CAN'T THINK OF ANY REASON WHY A COMIC STRIP CHARACTER WOULD EVEN WANT TO TRY THEM...
I WILL KICK MARY WORTH'S @#$.

WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS?

SIR, IT'S COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME OF YOUR NEIGHBORS HAVE BEEN CALLING EACH OTHER IN AN ATTEMPT TO ORGANIZE AN ANTI-GUARD DUCK COALITION. I PROPOSE WE TAKE STEPS TO TRY AND CONTROL THE MESSAGE.
LIKE TALKING TO THEM ?
LIKE BLOWING UP THE TELEPHONE LINES.
I'M GROWING WEARY OF THE HAMPER, SIR.

We ees hosed, Bob. We ees never gonna keel zeeba.
Ees no fair.
Like zee life.
HELLO, BOYS.
HEY!! WOW. YOU IS... SATAN?
Wow, you is Satan!
Yes. I am Satan... and I offer you a deal... your soul for that zebra.
Oh, HAHA! We make joke! Where sign? Just sign? Where sign?
GOOD! GOOD! Where doodee-jee sign?
WONDERFUL. AND HERE YOU GO...
HEY, DAT IS PACK OF GUM.
Yees, I know what I trod, but the contract offers you a mere pack of gum. You should have read it. I am, after all, Satan.
OOHHH, NNOO!! NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME, MEESTER BEELZEBUB! IF WE NO GET ZEEBA, YOU NO GET SOUL, GOT IT!?!?
... Me hope flavor last loooonng time.

DID YOU KNOW THAT IN 2004,
A WINNING SENATE CANDIDATE
SPENT AN AVERAGE OF $7.5 MILLION
GETTING ELECTED, UP 50 PERCENT
FROM THE $5 MILLION SPENT IN 2002.
AND MUCH OF THAT MONEY COMES
FROM BIG INTERESTS... BIG INTERESTS
THAT EXPECT A RETURN ON THEIR MONEY.
WE CAN PLAY GAMES AND ELECT
SENATORS FROM ONE PARTY AND
THEN THE OTHER FOR AS LONG AS
WE WANT, BUT THE FACT IS
THAT NO REAL CHANGE CAN EVER
OCCUR SO LONG AS THE PEOPLE WHO
COULD EFFECT THAT CHANGE ARE
BEHOLDEN TO THAT KIND OF MONEY.
WHAT’S A “SENATE”?

DO YOU THINK WATCHING A MOVIE CAN AFFECT THE WAY A GUY LEADS HIS LIFE?
NOT REALLY... BUT THEY CAN SOMETIMES INFLUENCE THE WAY WE TALK... WHY?
NO REASON.
I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU.

LISTEN, BOB, WE HAVE TO FIRE THAT RAT AND FIRE HIM NOW. HE'S TERRIBLE.
SORRY. I JUST GOT A CALL FROM CORPORATE. HE STAYS.
STAYS? HOW CAN THAT BE?
JOE'S ROASTERY HAS A POLICY OF CORPORATE DIVERSITY. AND RIGHT NOW, HE'S OUR ONLY RAT. HE CAN PRACTICALLY STEAL FROM THE REGISTER AND GET PROMOTED.
THAT'S BAD NEWS, BOB.
A DECAF LATTE? A DECAF LATTE? HEY, I GOT YOUR DECAF LATTE RIGHT HERE, PAL.
OHHH, GOD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
SINGING SONGS WITH MY VIKING ACTION FIGURINES.
THAT'S GREAT. VIKINGS USED TO BE KNOWN FOR CHANTING WAR SONGS RIGHT BEFORE BATTLE. THE SONGS WERE FILLED WITH BLOOD AND GUTS AND GLORY.
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG... WAY TO MAKE MEN OUT OF THEM.
SINCE WHEN IS `CABARET` A WAR SONG?

RAT? THIS IS GARY, YOUR MANAGER AT THE CAFE. WHERE THE @#@$%@#@ ARE YOU??
IF YOU MUST KNOW, I'M NAPPING.
YOU'RE WHAT? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AT @#$#%@# WORK!!
YES, WELL, I WOULD HAVE COME IN, BUT YOU SEEM TO HAVE A RATHER ARCHAIC POLICY OF NO SLEEPING BEHIND THE REGISTER. AS I THINK I WARNED YOU, YOUR SAD LITTLE RULES HAVE COME BACK TO BITE YOU IN THE @#@#.
AN APOLOGY WOULD BE NICE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE GARBAGE, PIG?
I DON'T FEEL VERY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, SO I THOUGHT I'D JUST SIT IN HERE FOR AWHILE.
HE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND...SHOW SOME CONCERN.
WHERE WILL WE PUT THE TRASH?

Munch Munch Lick Munch Munch
What are you doing in the closet, Larry?
Uh.... Me thinking of ways to kill Zeeba.
YOU'RE EATING STORE-BOUGHT CHICKEN IN SHAME, AREN'T YOU, LARRY??
No....
YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HUMILIATING IT IS TO SEE YOUR PREDATOR HUSBAND EATING STORE-BOUGHT CHICKENS IN A CLOSET??!
Well, Me figger me so not good at killin, so me guessin.
ITS HUMILIATING, LARRY!! I MARRIED A PREDATOR!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HUNT AND CATCH PREY, NOT RUN TO "KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN"!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO WITH A SCENE LIKE THIS???
Mebbe shut door?
SLAM
SLAM
SLAM
SLAM
But no on Larry's head.

I HAVE A STUPID QUESTION.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A STUPID QUESTION...
...ONLY STUPID PEOPLE, ASKING QUESTIONS.
IS THAT ME?
DON'T BE STUPID.

YOU READY FOR DINNER, DEAR?
Of course me, Reddy. Me a killer. Trow on floor. Me chase and kill.
DEAR... IT'S REALLY NOT NECESSARY. IT'S JUST--
TROW ON FLOOR, WOOM'UN!! TROW ON FLOOR!!!
WHY IS DAD STOMPING ON THE FETTUCCINI ALFREDO?
Don't look, Billy. Don't look.
DIE! DIE! DIE!! DIE!!

FIRST RECON TO SERGEANT PIG... COME IN, SIR... WE'VE GOT A SITUATION IN SECTOR NINE... PERMISSION TO CALL IN A COBRA HELICOPTER STRIKE.
OH, GRAND. WHAT IS IT?! WHAT'S GOING ON?
IT'S THE JOHNSONS, SIR. THEIR NEW LANDSCAPING IS VISUALLY REPUGNANT.
PLEASE STOP LOCKING ME IN THE CLOTHES HAMPER, SIR.

HI..UH..I'LL HAVE..UH..ONE LARGE NONFAT NO FOAM DOUBLE CARAMEL DECAF LATTE TO GO.
I HEARD "BLAH BLAH BLAH COFFEE."
THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.
YEAH, WELL, WHEN YOUR ORDER'S LONGER THAN A LOUISA MAY ALCOTT NOVEL, I TEND TO TUNE OUT.
CAN I TALK TO YOUR MANAGER?
YOU'VE SAID QUITE ENOUGH. GOOD DAY.

HI.. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
LETS SEE. I'LL TAKE A DOUBLE DECAF NONFAT SUGAR-FREE VANILLA LATTE.
SAY "ONE REGULAR COFFEE" OR I PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD.

HEY THERE, RAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WORKING... I'M LOW ON CASH... NOW DO YOU WANT COFFEE OR NOT, YOU BIG FAT IDIOT?
OHHHH... I'M SORRY, BUT WE TEND TO DISCOURAGE CALLING OUR CUSTOMERS "BIG FAT IDIOTS"... WE PREFER MORE TRADITIONAL TERMS LIKE "SIR" OR "MA'AM."
YOU'RE REALLY CRUSHING MY MORALE.

SIR, GOOD EVENING, SIR. IF I COULD, SIR, I’D LIKE TO ADDRESS THE CURRENT R.O.E., SIR.
THE WHO?
THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, SIR… THE RULES GOVERNING WHEN I MAY FIRE MY WEAPON AT THE ENEMY, SIR.
OH. WHAT ARE THEY NOW?
WELL, SIR, TO QUOTE YOU, “YOU’RE A CRAZY LITTLE DUCK AND YOU MAY NEVER EVER EVER FIRE YOUR WEAPON AT ANYTHING EVER.”
OH, RIGHT.
WELL, IF I COULD, SIR. I’D LIKE TO PROPOSE A MINOR MODIFICATION.
OH. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE IT TO?
“SHOOT LIKE THE DICKENS.”
SIR, LOCKING ME IN THE CLOTHES HAMPER VIOLATES GENEVA, SIR.

HELLOOOO, CROCODILE NEIGHBOR. LISTEN...
SINCE YOU'VE SPENT A LIFETIME TRYING TO EAT US, A FEW OF US THOUGHT IT'D BE A GOOD TIME TO TRY EATING YOU... HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
HE'S CRYING.
NO, ME NOT.
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GET A TISSUE?

WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR FACE
A TATTOO.. ON MY WAY TO THE GROCERY STORE, I STOPPED BY THE TATTOO PLACE AND GAVE THE GUY A LITTLE DRAWING OF A BUTTERFLY TO TATTOO ON MY FACE.
I JUST SEE WORDS.
WORDS? WHAT WORDS?
"GALLON OF MILK... 3 LOWFAT YOGURT... I CAN ENCHILADA SAUCE."
NEVER GIVE THE TATTOO GUY YOUR GROCERY LIST.

SIR, AT APPROXIMATELY 0900, AN ENEMY COMBATANT DRIVING A SMALL JEEP ATTEMPTED TO PLANT A SUSPICIOUS DEVICE ON YOUR PORCH. I WAS FORCED TO LIGHT UP HIS VEHICLE WITH A ROCKET-PROPELLED GRENADE.
... THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THE THREAT HAS BEEN NEUTRALIZED.
THE BAD NEWS IS THAT THAT WAS OUR MAILMAN.
LET'S TRY TO STAY FOCUSED ON THE POSITIVE.