Pearls Before Swine | Search

I WAS IN THE BOOKSTORE TODAY. I NOTICED THEY HAD TWELVE OF THE LATEST "GET FUZZY" BOOK, BUT ONLY TEN OF YOUR NEWEST "PEARLS" BOOK.
GOOD FOR "FUZZY".
DOES IT HURT YOU TO KNOW THAT DARBY CONLEY IS TWENTY PERCENT MORE POPULAR THAN YOU?
PLEASE GO AWAY.
AFTER ALL, IF THIS WERE AN ELECTION, THAT WOULD BE CONSIDERED A GIANT ### LANDSIDE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS. YOU'VE GOT PIG ON THE COVER OF YOUR BOOK. WHO LIKES STUPID PIGS? NO ONE! CATS ARE WHAT THE COUNTRY DEMANDS. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!
I DON'T HAVE A STUPID CAT IN MY COMIC, OKAY?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRAW ONE!!!
AND THAT'S WHERE I, "BUCKY, THE GUARDIGUANO ATTORNEY", COME IN.

HEY, PIG, LOOK, I GOT YOU THE NEW "WAKE UP WITH HAPPY SMILEY GEORGE" ALARM CLOCK.
WOW! "HAPPY SMILEY GEORGE"! THAT'S GREAT! LET ME TRY THE ALARM HERE...
RISE AND SHINE, FATTY!! ANOTHER @#$%*#* DAY AWAITS!!
THE PACKAGING'S A BIT MISLEADING.

HUH, SWEETCHEEKS. I'M HERE FOR WORK AND DON'T GIVE ME ANY FLak FOR BEING TWO HOURS LATE. I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
YOU'RE FIRED, RAT.
OH, SHOVE IT IN YOUR EAR, GARY. YOU'VE GOT A POLICY OF CORPORATE DIVERSITY AND I'M YOUR ONLY RAT.
IS THAT SO, SWEETCHEEKS?
YOU CAN'T HANDLE FEEDER MICE?
DEY PUNCH ME IN HEAD.
CAN WE CLEAN THE BATHROOMS AGAIN, MR. GARY? PLEEEEEAAASE.

SIR, GOOD MORNING, SIR. BAD NEWS, SIR... THE JOHNSONS GOT A NEW LEXUS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
A LOT, SIR. I THINK THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE US FEEL POOR AND UNWORTHY.
MAYBE THEY JUST LIKE THE CAR.
WISH WE'D SPOKEN SOONER, SIR.

WELCOME, SIR. IT'S AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU HERE AND A PLEASURE TO WORK FOR YOUR COMPANY.
THANK YOU...AND HOW IS OUR TEAM OF HAPPY JOE'S ROASTERY EMPLOYEES DOING?
FIGHT THE POWER.
CAN I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?
VIVA LA RAY-VOLUTION!

ALRIGHT, RAT, LISTEN… THE C.E.O. OF JOE'S ROASTERY IS VISITING OUR CAFÉ TODAY AND WE NEED TO SET UP A WELCOMING PARTY.
OH, THE BIG FAT DO-NOTHING THAT MAKES $4,000,000 A YEAR, PAYS ME $5.15 AN HOUR, AND EXPECTS ME TO BE INSPIRED BY A CORPORATE CHEER EVERY MORNING?
MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE PART OF THE WELCOMING PARTY.
OHH, I'VE GOT HIS WELCOMING PARTY.

WHERE'D ALL THE CLONES GO?
I GOT RID OF THEM. THOSE LITTLE IDIOTS WERE OUT DOING GOOD DEEDS. THEY ALMOST DESTROYED MY REPUTATION.
BUT I LOVED THOSE GUYS. WHAT'D YOU DO WITH THEM?
SPECIAL DELIVERY.
OOOOOOOH.

LARRY, I THINK IT'S TIME
YOU TALKED TO
OUR SON ABOUT THE
BIRDS AND THE BEES.
OH, PEESE
WOMAN... NO
BE STOOPID...
WHY ME DO
DAT?
BECAUSE YOU'RE HIS
FATHER, LARRY. IT'S
YOUR JOB.
OHHHKAY, FINE.
IF IT MAKE
YOU SHUT
YOU MOUF.
SON?
YEAH, DAD?
BIRDS IS GUD. EAT DEM IF YOU
CAN. BUT NO EAT BEES. DEY
STEENG YOU FACE.
THANKS, DAD, BUT I ALREADY
KNEW THAT.
BEEEEEEG WASTE OF TIME.

HEY THERE, PIG... HOW'D YOU SLEEP LAST NIGHT?
OH, PRETTY GOOD, RAT. THANKS FOR ASKING.
CAN I BUY YOU A CUP OF JOE?
OH, SURE... I'D LOVE THAT... THANK YOU!
STUPID CLONE.

ALRIGHT, GUYS. IF I'M GONNA HAVE LITTLE CLONES RUNNING AROUND, I NEED TO BE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND RATSUNIAN IDEOLOGY. THUS, PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING QUESTION...
PEOPLE ARE:
A) KIND.
B) LOVING.
C) BIG FAT IDIOTS TO BE DISTRUSTED AND LOATHED.
THAT WAS INCORRECT.
c) idiots distrusted loathed.

HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, GOAT?
I'M JUST IN A BAD MOOD AND DON'T FEEL LIKE DEALING WITH ANYONE.
HIYA!
THIS DOESN'T BODE WELL.

HOW'S YOUR STEM CELL RESEARCH GOING?
PRETTY GOOD.
JUST FINE.
SWELL.
PEACHY.
SUDDENLY, I'M VERY AGAINST CLONING.
OHH
THAT'S
NOT
NICE
YOU FATHEAD.

HEY THERE, NEIGHBOR NICOLETTE, HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG... MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN TRYING FOREVER TO HAVE KIDS, BUT SO FAR, NO LUCK. OHH, HOW I LONG FOR THE PITTER PATTER OF LITTLE FEET...
HAVE YOU SEEN...?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I STOLE SOME STEM CELLS AND BEGAN CREATING MY VERY OWN HUMAN BEING FROM THE GROUND UP.
BUT THOSE ARE JUST FEET.
I GOT BORED.

WHO'S YOUR WEIRD-LOOKING FRIEND?
EURIPEDES. THE ONE-EYED FROG.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS EYE?
NOTHING. HE JUST KEEPS IT CLOSED.
WHY WOULD HE KEEP ONE EYE CLOSED?
BECAUSE EURIPEDES BELIEVES THAT THE WORLD IS FILLED WITH PAIN. BY CLOSING ONE EYE, HE SHUTS OUT HALF OF IT.
BUT AREN'T THERE DISADVANTAGES TO ONLY USING ONE OF HIS EYES?
WELL, HE HAS NO DEPTH PERCEPTION, SO HE CAN'T PLAY CATCH, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, I CAN'T THINK OF ANY.
I THOUGHT OF ONE.

GOAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY COUSINS. THIS IS BOB AND THAT'S GLADYS.
WHAT'S GLADYS DOING WAY OUT THERE?
SHE'S A DISTANT RELATIVE.
THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH, GLADYS!

IF WE'RE EVER GONNA HAVE WORLD PEACE, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIND A FEW BASIC PRINCIPLES WE CAN ALL AGREE ON.
THAT'S A VERY MATURE THING FOR YOU TO SAY, RAT. WHAT KIND OF PRINCIPLE DO YOU THINK WE COULD ALL AGREE ON?
THAT GUYS WHO WEAR THEIR COLLAR UP SHOULD ALL BE PUNCHED IN THE HEAD.
ohhhhh Lord...
HEY...WHAT'S A LITTLE VIOLENCE WHEN YOUR GOAL IS WORLD PEACE?
WE SHOULD GO HOME NOW, DEAR.

WHAT’S A MATTER WITH YOU?
DEPRESSION FINALLY GOT THE BETTER OF OUR POOR LITTLE SOAP.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HE HUNG HIMSELF IN THE SHOWER.
THAT'S CALLED "SOAP ON A ROPE."
THIS IS NO TIME FOR POETRY.

PIG BOUGHT A POLE FROM THAT GENTLEMAN'S CLUB THAT SHUT DOWN.
A POLE? YOU MEAN ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN DANCE AROUND?
YEAH. AND HE'S HAVING IT INSTALLED IN OUR LIVING ROOM.
WOW... OUR OWN SWEET PIG... I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY HE'D EVER DO SUCH A THING.
INDOOR TETHERBALL: A DREAM COME TRUE.

HI THERE. I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET. I'M PIG.
HI. TIMMY THE ANTEATER.
ANTEATER, HUH?... SO WHAT DO THOSE LITTLE GUYS TASTE LIKE?
WHAT DO LITTLE GUYS TASTE LIKE?
ANTS.
HOW THE @#&% WOULD I KNOW? I EAT MOSTACCIONI.
SORRY.
I COULD DO WITHOUT THE RACIAL PROFILING.

THE CROCODILE WAITS BELOW THE SURFACE OF THE POND. HE KNOWS THAT THIS IS THE ZEBRA'S ONLY SOURCE OF WATER.
AS THE ZEBRA LEANS IN TO DRINK, THE CROC STRIKES... THE ZEBRA IS NO MORE.

AND SO, IF YOU JUST...UH...MEET ME LIKE...UH...AT THE UHH...
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, RAT?
LISTENING TO THIS IDIOT'S ENDLESS MESSAGE. ALL I WANT IS FOR HIM TO SAY HIS STUPID PHONE NUMBER.
SOOOOO WHINY...
YEAH I HATE IT--
WAIT! WAIT...SHUT UP...I THINK HE'S ABOUT TO SAY IT...
SO...UH...GIVE...UH ME...A CALL...UH --THE NUMBER IS...
WHY ARE THE SLOWEST MESSAGE TALKERS THE FASTEST PHONE NUMBER GIVERS?
'CAUSE PEOPLE ARE MORONS!! MORONS!! MORONS!! MORONS!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE OUR SEWING MACHINE IS POSSESSED.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER...IT RAISES SO MANY DEEP, MIND-BLOWING, PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTIONS.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE WHY DO TWO ANIMALS WHO DON'T WEAR CLOTHES OWN A SEWING MACHINE?

OUR SEWING MACHINE KEEPS ACTING UP… IT’S LIKE IT’S POSSESSED OR SOMETHING.
HOW COME EVERY TIME A STUPID APPLIANCE ACTS UP, PEOPLE SAY IT’S ‘POSSESSED’?

I LOVE SATAN. I LOVE SATAN.

CALL A PRIEST.

WHOA. THAT BOAT'S ABOUT TO GO OVER THE EDGE.
THE EDGE OF WHAT?
THE WORLD THERE.
THE WORLD'S ROUND, PIG.
SO IS MY KITCHEN TABLE, BUT YOU CAN STILL KNOCK OFF THE CEREAL BOWL.
I GUESS "SORRY" ISN'T IN YOUR VOCABULARY.