Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
We is tagging you house. Haha. You is stoopid loser, man.
MY HOUSE? THIS IS YOUR HOUSE.
..Gud ting we write small.
STOOPID STOOPID STOOPID

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, I'M JOHN THE SEAL, AND THIS IS MY WIFE, JENNIFER... WE JUST MOVED HERE FROM THE PACIFIC TO GET AWAY FROM PREDATORS... WE'RE HOPING THIS IS A GOOD NEIGHBORHOOD.
NOT FOR ME. I'VE GOT SOME CROC NEIGHBORS. BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE OF YOUR PREDATORS AROUND.
OH, JEN! DID YOU HEAR THAT? WE'VE FINALLY FOUND IT. A NICE, SAFE PLACE WE CAN CALL HOME!
OH, YAY! YAY!
Domino's? ...Cancel that pizza.

Dear Donald Rumsfeld,
I am a big fan of the "Care Bears." My favorite is Harmony Bear. He's a smiling flower on his tummy that symbolizes his dream of everyone getting along.
I think we should send him to Iraq.
YOU DUMB PIG. DO YOU HONESTLY THINK DONALD RUMSFELD'S GONNA FOLLOW YOUR ADVICE AND SEND A CARE BEAR TO IRAQ WHO WILL MAGICALLY PRANCE AROUND CONVINCING THE INSURGENTS TO LAY DOWN THEIR ARMS AND BE HARMONIOUS?
... I no care what he tell you, Ahmed... You take off shirt.

HELLO, SON.
HULLO, MAMA.
SON, THERE'S A RUMOR AT THE HAIR SALON THAT YOU'VE BEEN SHOPLIFTING FOR FOOD AT SAFEWAY.
I TOLD THEM IT WASN'T TRUE.
I TOLD THEM THAT NO SON OF MINE WOULD BE CAUGHT DEAD EATING SOMETHING HE DIDN'T CATCH.
TELL ME I'M RIGHT, SON.
YOU RIGHT, MAMA.
FINE...NOW BE A GOOD SON AND GIVE ME SOMETHING TO PUT MY SHOES IN...MY FEET HURT AND I DON'T WANT TO WEAR THEM HOME.
TAKE IT. ME GOT LOTS.

I WISH I COULD MEET MORE WOMEN, BUT I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
TRY GIVING THEM A UNIQUE COMPLIMENT.
LIKE WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW...JUST PICK SOMETHING ABOUT THEM THAT MOST GUYS DON'T NORMALLY COMPLIMENT. WOMEN LOVE THAT.
...YOU HAVE NICE NOSTRILS.

ISN'T IT GREAT HOW EVERY TIME
THE PENTAGON DOES SOMETHING
WRONG, THEY GET TO INVESTIGATE
IT THEMSELVES? WE SHOULD LET
GUYS WHO ROB 7-11'S DO THAT ...
"SIR, I LOOKED INTO IT, AND
DISCOVERED I WAS NOWHERE NEAR
THAT CONVENIENCE STORE ON THE
NIGHT IN QUESTION...I'M FREE
TO GO."
SURE WOULD UNCLOG THE COURTS.

LISTEN, PAM. I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE OUR RELATIONSHIP, AND I REALLY THINK IT'S TIME TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL.
I'M SORRY, SIR. I DON'T MEAN TO INTRUDE, BUT DID I JUST HEAR YOU SAY THE PHRASE, "TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL"?
WHY, YES. YES, YOU DID.
I THOUGHT SO.
WHAM!
WHAM!
WHAM!
IF SHOES TO THE HEAD CAN'T STOP THAT STUPID EXPRESSION, I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAN.

WHAT'S THAT, NEIGHBOR, JOHN?
IT'S MY BELOVED DOG, SKIPPY. SADLY, I FOUND HIM DEAD ON THE PORCH YESTERDAY AND DECIDED TO HAVE HIM STUFFED.
DUUUUDE... I... WAS... ONLY... SLEEPING...
AW, NUTS.

WHAT'S THAT THING?
IT'S MY NEW, REMOTE-CONTROLLED HEART. SINCE YOU BROKE MY LAST ONE, I HAD TO GET A NEW ONE.
LEMME SEE...
...HEY!.. MAKE IT COME BACK!
CAN'T. IT'S STUCK.
WHAT DO I DO?
ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

WHAT'S THAT THING?
IT'S A LITTLE REMOTE-CONTROLLED GLASS HEART. I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO THE PRETTIEST GIRL I CAN FIND. IT SYMBOLIZES THAT WHERE-EVER SHE GOES, MY HEART GOES WITH HER.
CAN I TRY IT?
SURE.
(floaty)
SMASH
SQUICKY
JUST SAVING YOU TIME.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, PIG?
I WAS WALKING BY THIS TREE AND MY EAR GOT CAUGHT ON THE BRANCH.
CAN YOU GET DOWN?
NO.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP?
THAT'S A LOT OF WORK, AND I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
OKAY.
BUT LISTEN... I KNOW THE WINTER'S APPROACHING AND THAT IT'S GONNA GET REAL COLD, SO I JUST WANT TO SAY... "GOOD LUCK."
AWW... THANK YOU, LITTLE BUDDY.
NO PROBLEM, PAL... YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
YOU, TOO, LITTLE BUDDY.
...IT'S NICE TO HAVE FRIENDS.

WHERE YOU GOING, PIG?
TO FATHER NICK'S FUNERAL.
WHO'S FATHER NICK?
HE WAS OUR PRIEST.
OUR PRIEST? SINCE WHEN?
1979.
PERHAPS I'VE MISSED A SUNDAY OR TWO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU STUPID PIG?
I GOT SOME PHOTOS MAILED TO ME, BUT I DROPPED THE PACKAGE AND NOW THERE'S NOT A DARN THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
JUST BEND DOWN AND PICK IT UP, YOU MORON.
I CAN'T. LOOK...
FRIGHTENING, ISN'T IT?
MORE THAN YOU KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE UMBRELLA?
I AM TOLD BY A RELIABLE AUTHORITY THAT GOD SEES EVERYTHING YOU DO.
AND YOU'RE HOPING HE LIKES UMBRELLAS?
I'M HOPING TO BLOCK HIS VIEW.
I'M HOPING YOU'LL STOP TALKING NOW.
I'M HOPING YOU'LL STEP UNDER THIS UMBRELLA, SO I CAN POUND YOUR BIG, FAT HEAD.

HI, THERE...I'M FROM THE CABLE COMPANY...I'M HERE TO DISCONNECT YOUR SERVICE.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
IT APPEARS YOU'VE BEEN LETTING SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS CUT INTO YOUR CABLE LINE AND STEAL THE SIGNAL. THAT VIOLATES OUR TERMS OF SERVICE.
BUT I DIDN'T LET ANYBODY DO ANYTHING. I...I WOULD NEVER LET A FRIEND STEAL THE SIGNAL.
Sopranos best show EVAH.

SOMETIMES I THINK
THE WORST OF ALL SINS
IS TO HAVE POTENTIAL
AND THEN SQUANDER
IT... DON'T YOU
THINK?
I'M SORRY... I
DIDN'T HEAR
YOU... I WAS
TRYING TO
MEMORIZE A
FAMOUS POEM.
OH YEAH?
...WHICH
ONE?
"BEANS, BEANS,
THE MAGICAL FRUIT,
THE MORE YOU EAT
THE MORE YOU ---"
UHH.. WAIT A MINUTE...
HOW'S THAT THING END?
IT DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE
POTENTIAL
IS AN ISSUE
FOR YOU.
AWWW, NUTS...
HOW COULD I
FORGET MY
FAVORITE
ROBERT FROST
POEM?

DUDE, I SAW THE MOST AMAZING SHOW LAST NIGHT. IT WAS ALL ABOUT CARRIER PIGEONS. PEOPLE ATTACH THESE MESSAGES TO THEIR LEGS AND SOMEHOW THESE BIRDS ARE ABLE TO LOCATE THE INTENDED RECIPIENT HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY.
BUT HOW DO THEY DO THAT?
NO ONE REALLY KNOWS. IT'S ONE OF THE GREAT MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE…
...SECOND HOUSE ON THE LEFT.

OKAY, CROCODILE NEIGHBOR, LISTEN UP! YOU BOAR PALS HAVE TERRORIZED THE ZEBRAS FOR FAR TOO LONG. SO WE’RE GONNA GIVE YOU A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE FOR A CHANGE.
BUT NOBODY EAT CROCODILE.
YEAH, WELL THAT’S GONNA CHANGE. WE GOT NUMBERS.
NO… NO… NOBODY EAT CROCODILE. WE’RE ALL FINE.
THAT’S A BUFFET… BUT FINE.
HEY, NOT TO INTERRUPT, BUT I’VE ACTUALLY HEARD THAT…
HEARD WHAT?
THAT THEY TASTE BAD. SERIOUSLY. I THINK I SAW IT ON YORAH!
ALRIGHT. FINE. WE’LL TASTE HIM. ..GENIE, LICK THE CROCODILE …
*LIIIIICK*
DUUUUUDE… THAT’S… FOUL… REPULSIVE… AND HOLY SMOKES, DOES THIS EVEN REEK. LET’S GET OUTTA HERE BEFORE I HURL......
…Me don’t know whether cheer or have beeg cry.

THIS POLITICIAN IS SO DUMB. HE'S JUST DIGGING HIS OWN GRAVE.
WOW. HOW CHEAP CAN A DEAD GUY BE ?
WHAT DEAD GUY ?
THE POLITICIAN WHO DOESN'T WANT TO PAY FOR HIS OWN BURIAL.
HE'S STILL ALIVE.
HE MUST KNOW SOMETHING.

EVERYONE THINKS WE PROTECT ANIMALS BASED ON HOW SMART THEY ARE. BUT IT'S NOT TRUE... WE SAVE ANIMALS BASED ON HOW CUTE THEY ARE...
DOLPHINS, CHIMPS, SEALS - ALL CUTE. THUS, THEY'RE SAVED. COWS, TURKEYS, PIGS - UNCUTE... THUS, WE EAT THEM. ISN'T IT OBVIOUS THAT WE VALUE PHYSICAL APPEARANCE ABOVE EVERYTHING ELSE? ...ISN'T IT OBVIOUS THAT IT DETERMINES YOUR VERY SURVIVAL?
CLICK
CLICK CLICK
WHISTLE
CLICK

YAY! YAY! YAY!
WHAT ARE YOU JUMPING AROUND FOR, YOU DUMB PIG?
HAHAHA!! LOOK! I JUST GOT THIS CATALOG FILLED WITH PRETTY WOMEN, AND IF YOU CALL THE NUMBER IN THE BACK, THEY SEND YOU THE WOMAN!!! WOOHOOOO!!
DUDE, THAT'S THE VICTORIA'S SECRET CATALOG. IF YOU CALL THE NUMBER IN THE BACK, THEY SEND YOU THE CLOTHES. THEY DON'T SEND YOU THE WOMAN
I GREW SAD.
YOU WERE SAD BEFORE THAT.

I'VE JUST CALCULATED THAT EACH AND EVERY DAY I'VE EVER SPENT AT THE BEACH HAS BEEN INFINITELY MORE ENJOYABLE THAN EACH AND EVERY DAY I'VE EVER SPENT AT A JOB.
HOWEVER, IN ORDER TO SPEND YOUR DAYS AT THE BEACH, YOU NEED MONEY. AND TO GET MONEY, YOU NEED A JOB.
CRUEL, ISN'T IT?

HEY, DORIS THE SWORDFISH... HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG... I'M LONELY... REAL LONELY...
WHY IS THAT, DORIS?
BECAUSE EVERY TIME I TRY TO GET CLOSE TO SOMEONE, THE RELATIONSHIP ENDS BADLY.
HOW BADLY?
PRETTY BADLY.

DUDE... WHAT'S UP WITH THIS? THERE'S NO CREAM IN MY COFFEE.
WE RAN OUT... BUT I COULD GO TO THE STORE AND GET SOME.
THE GROCERY STORE'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN. MY COFFEE WILL GET COLD.
NO... THERE'S A PLACE JUST DOWN THE BLOCK THAT SELLS IT.
THERE'S NO PLACE ON OUR BLOCK THAT SELLS CREAM.
SURE THERE IS... IN FACT, THERE'S A BIG SIGN OUT FRONT... "CREMATORIUM".
...THAT OUGHTA MAKE FOR AN INTERESTING EXCHANGE.

I HAVE A TRUISM TO DECLARE.
OH, GREAT.
IN THE END, WE ARE ALL FORGOTTEN. AS MUCH AS WE SPEND OUR LIVES SITTING IN FRONT OF THE TV. DRINKING BEER AND EATING NACHOS.
IS THAT SO?
YES, CASE IN POINT...CAN YOU NAME THREE KINGS FROM THE 1700S?
OF COURSE I CAN...I CAN PROBABLY NAME OVER 100 PEOPLE...SO THERE.
THE WHO'S ?
SURE...AT LEAST TEN OR TWELVE.
THE SEVENTH CENTURY B.C.?
UHHH...WELL...NO.
THE EIGHTH?
UHH...NO.
SO...EVEN IF YOU WERE THE GREATEST POET OR ARTIST OR KING OR TV COOK, A GUY AS SMART AS MY FRIEND CAN'T IDENTIFY YOU IN THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY. DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME...IT'S AS IF YOU NEVER EXISTED!!!
THE TWENTIETH CENTURY B.C.?
WELL...MAYBE A COUPLE.
...GOT ANY MORE NACHOS?