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DAD. I'M AFRAID YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I WANT TO DATE A ZEBRA.
HAHAHA.. Dat gud one! Uhh.. Me want date..uh.. CHEEKEN LEG!! HAHAHA.. Does you want see movie, pretty cheeken leg??
What? What dat? You already going movies wid mash potato? ..Oh well.. Dat okay... Me see what ham sandwich doing.
BAAAAHAAHAHAW HOOHOOHOOHEE HEE SNNOOOORT
THIS MAY TAKE AWHILE.

DAD, I'M GOING ON A DINNER DATE.
Me see you dinner. Where you date?
WE SHOULD TALK, DAD.

DO YOU COME FROM A HUGE FAMILY, SIR?
NO, BUT A COUPLE OF THEM ARE A LITTLE PUDGY.
YOU'RE A COUPLE CANDIES SHORT OF A PIÑATA, SIR.

DAD, I MET A GIRL I REALLY LIKE.
Gud for you, son...Gud woornun important...She support you...Help you hunt.
DON'T COUNT ON IT.

I HAVE FIGURED OUT LIFE.
IT IS AIL CHARTED OUT ON
THIS. RAT'S ULTIMATE DIAGRAM oF
O'LIFE
IS THAT
SO ?
SEE ... IT ALL STARTS HERE WITH A STAGE I CALL “LIFE'S CHOICES'... YOU CAN: (1) STUDY HARD, (2) WORK HARD, OR (3) SIT ON YOUR REAR.
THESE CHOICES LEAD TO LIFE'S CONSEQUEN - (4) STUDY AND ACHIEVE SMARTNESS ... (5) WORK HARD AND ACHIEVE WEALTH ... OR (6) SIT AND ACHIEVE BUPKIS.
SO, YOU SAY, I'LL PICK (1) OR ri OR ri, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH THEY DEMAND A LOT OF WORK, THEY ULTIMATELY LEAD TO BETTER THINGS THAN ri, RIGHT? WRONG.
THEY ALL GO TO THE SAME @#o*@#!*o PLACE!
AND TO THINK SOME PEOPLE CALL THIS STRIP ‘DARK’....
KEEP IT UP, GUY! THIS'LL BE A HUGE HIT IN
CUBA!

LOOKS LIKE THAT ONE FAT SUMO SQUIRREL IS JUST DOMINATING THE COMPETITION... HE CAN'T EVEN FIND ANYONE FAT ENOUGH TO GIVE HIM A GOOD MATCH...
UH... LOOKS LIKE HE FOUND SOMEONE.
THIS IS SO HUMILIATING.

WELL, HELLO, I'M SUMO SQUIRREL... WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
NO, I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS TRADITIONAL FOR SUMO WRESTLERS TO THROW SALT BEFORE A MATCH AND THAT YOU HAD RUN OUT OF SALT.
WELL, I DON'T THINK WE HAVE ANY SALT, BUT I CAN CHECK IN THE KITCHEN AND SEE WHAT I CAN FIND.
WHY IS THAT SQUIRREL THROWING MY LEFTOVER RAVIOLI ON THE LAWN?
DO ALL YOUR SQUIRRELS WEAR JOCK STRAPS?

GRUNT
GRUNT
GRUNT
GRUNT
GRUNT
LOOKS LIKE WE’VE GOT SUMO SQUIRRELS AGAIN.
BONZAI!
RRRRRRRGG

IF ONE MORE TALKING HEAD ON
FOX, CNN OR MSNBC BEGINS
THEIR SENTENCE WITH THE WORD
"LOOK," I AM GOING TO DRIVE
TO THE STUDIO AND BEAT
THEM WITH A FROZEN HAM.
LOOK, THE SITUATION
IS AS FOLLOWS...
I'LL BE BACK.

RAT WENT GREEK DANCING.
GEE, I LOVE GREEK DANCING, BUT SINCE WHEN DOES RAT WANT TO HOLD HANDS WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND GO AROUND IN CIRCLES?
OHHH, THAT’S NOT WHY HE GOES.
THEN WHY’S HE GO?
MIND SAVING SOMETHING FOR US TO EAT ON?

HEY, RAT... DID YOU BREAK MY COFFEE MUG?
NO. I JUST BUMPED IT WITH MY ELBOW.
WHILE THE FORCE OF MY ELBOW DID INDEED MOVE IT FROM ITS POSITION OF REST AND TOWARD THE EDGE OF THE COUNTER, IT WAS GRAVITY THAT TOOK OVER AT THAT POINT AND SUCKED IT TOWARD THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH.
SORRY FOR BLAMING YOU.
NO PROBLEMO.

THE UNSUSPECTING ZEBRA APPROACHES THE WATERING HOLE...
HE TAKES A DRINK...HE DOES NOT SEE THE CROCODILE LURKING JUST BENEATH THE SURFACE...
THE CROC STRIKES.
AND THE ZEBRA...
IS NO MORE.
WOOHOOHOOHOOOO!
SO WHEN DO YOU GET YOUR DRAPES BACK FROM THE DRY CLEANERS?
NOT SOON ENOUGH.
WE NUMBA ONE! WE NUMBA ONE!

I'M THE KIND OF GUY THAT WOMEN FIND REALLY ATTRACTIVE.
IS THAT SO?
YEAH, BUT THEN I THINK I DO THINGS THAT MAKE ME SEEM LESS ATTRACTIVE.
LIKE WHAT?
I TALK.
THEY'RE SO JUDGMENTAL.

LOOK, RAT, IT'S TIMMY THE OWL. HE'S THE NEWEST CHARACTER IN OUR STRIP.
DUDE, OWLS ARE NOCTURNAL. WHILE WE'RE UP WORKING AND TELLING JOKES, HE'LL BE FAST ASLEEP ... HE'S USELESS ... LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
TWO DRUNK RABBIS WALK INTO A BAR.

WHAT'S THAT STUCK TO YOUR HAND?
A POST-IT TELLING ME TO LOOK AT MY WALLET.
WHAT'S ON YOUR WALLET?
A POST-IT REMINDING ME TO CHECK MY COMPUTER MONITOR.
WHAT'S ON YOUR COMPUTER MONITOR?
A POST-IT TELLING ME NOT TO MISS MY ONE O'CLOCK DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT.
YOUR APPOINTMENT WAS TWO HOURS AGO.
YOU COULD HAVE REMINDED ME.

EXCUSE ME, PIG. BUT DID YOU EAT MY LAST BAG OF CHEESE POOFS?
OH, YEAH. SORRY. I REALLY LOVE CHEESE POOFS.
LISTEN, PIG, YOU KNOW WE'RE FRIENDS.
RIGHT.
AND YOU KNOW I'D GO TO BAT FOR YOU.
RIGHT.
THEN YOU SHOULD BE EXPECTING THAT...
...I'VE NEVER LIKED BASEBALL.

I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP, DAD... CAN YOU TELL ME A BEDTIME STORY?
SURE ME CAN, SON.
ONCE UPON TIME, DERE WAS GIRL NAMED GOLDIBLOCKS.
BEAR KEEL HER.
SWEET DREAMS, MY BABY BOY.
NOT LIKELY, POPS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M PORING OVER PHYSICS BOOKS IN AN ATTEMPT TO UNIFY GENERAL RELATIVITY AND QUANTUM MECHANICS INTO ONE UNIFIED THEORY THAT GOVERNS OUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT SO FAR?
THIS.
Beer is good.
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT SIMPLE.

SO, PIGITA... HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS NEW RESTAURANT?
FINE, PIG, BUT I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
WHAT IS IT?
I NO LONGER WANT TO SEE YOU.
WHAT?? HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT??
BECAUSE YOU'RE LIKE A LITTLE BOY, PIG, AND I WANT A MAN. SOMEONE WHO'S ESTABLISHED. SOMEONE WHO'S CONNECTED. SOMEONE WHO'S RESPECTED.
I'M ESTABLISHED! I'M CONNECTED! I'M RESPECTED!

PACK OF CRAYONS?
THAT DIDN'T HELP.

OHH, BRITNEY, THE REHAB CENTER FOUND OUT I DON'T HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM! THEY'RE KICKING ME OUT! I'M GONNA MISS YOU!
I'LL MISS YOU TOO, PIG!
YOU REALLY NEED TO START WEARING UNDERPANTS.

THERE SURE ARE A LOT OF FAMOUS PEOPLE HERE.
YEAH. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO WRONG NOW, YOU CHECK INTO REHAB. IT'S DAMAGE CONTROL.
WOW. YOU'RE NOT KIDDING. THAT'S THAT MOVIE STAR...
...AND THAT'S THAT RADIO SHOW HOST...
...HEY. AND THERE'S MY MAYOR...
...AND THAT'S MY CONGRESSMAN....
MAYBE IT'D BE QUICKER TO LIST THE PEOPLE WHO
AREN'T IN HERE.
WELL, THERE'S
...
...BUT SHE
SHOULD BE.

You ready, Pig?
I think so.
Then let's do it.
BAH DUM DUM...
OH! BABY BABY, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOOOOOOW...
Better?
A little.

Dear Mother,
Hi, I am on vacation. It is a great resort!
The only bad thing is that they make you drink beer to get in here. But I did it and now I'm in!
Oh well... I gotta go. I met a new friend and we're gonna play frisbee together.
YOU READY, BRITNEY?
SURE AM, PIG.

To the most bootiful
woomun I ever seen…
Best. Vacashun. Ever.

WHERE YOU OFF TO, PIG?
SHINY HAPPY NEW BEGINNINGS... IT'S A RANCH OFFERING "A WARM, FRIENDLY, SUPPORTIVE ENVIRONMENT CLOSE TO NATURE."
PIG... THIS IS REHAB... IT'S ONLY FOR PEOPLE WHO DRINK A LOT.
Well this is a silly requirement.