Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY U?
SIR, THIS IS MANNY, FROM "MANNY'S YARD SERVICE". LISTEN, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT JORGE WILL NO LONGER BE MAINTAINING YOUR BUSHES... HE'S BEEN CANCELED.
WHAT?? WHY NOT? I LOVE JORGE.
DID IT GROW TOO BIG?
DID I MISS A PAYMENT?
I MEAN I-- SIR!
SOMEONE SHOT JORGE IN THE @%*!@#% RUMP, SIR!!
...IF YOU MUST KNOW, HIS WEEDWHACKER SPOOKED ME.

DEER ZEEBA,
YOUH. LOS.
VRY U LUE ED
NEDLOGRPH. BA.
S TAHUR K E NOS N
HE E A J R !
K. B E I L I N G
S Y E OLUF!
Subibabal message no working.

HEY THERE, PIG. I HEAR YOU HIRED A DUMB GUARD DUCK TO PROTECT YOUR HOUSE. WHAT'S A MEEK LITTLE DUCK GONNA DO?
OH GEE, NEIGHBOR BOB...MEEKNESS ISN'T HIS PROBLEM. IT'S THAT HE'S VIOLENT AND UNSTABLE.
OH GEE..VIOLENT AND UNSTABLE, HUH?..WHAT'S HE DO, WADDLE ALL OVER THE NEIGHBOR'S TOES?
I LOVE THE SMELL OF NAPALM IN THE MORNING.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT WHILE THIS ENTIRE COUNTRY HAS BEEN OBSESSED WITH TRINKETS, A MOMENTOUS PHENOMENA HAS OCCURRED RIGHT UNDER OUR VERY NOSES ?
WHAT ?
WHEN NO ONE WAS LOOKING, EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN WOMAN BETWEEN THE AGES OF 18 AND 32 WENT OUT AND GOT A TATTOO JUST ABOVE HER RUMPUS.
THEIR WHAT ?
BUTTOCK. TUSH. CABOOSE. IT'S TRUE... SOMEONE MUST HAVE PASSED OUT A FLYER.
HOW DID THIS ?
WELL, IT CAN BE A LITTLE HARD TO SPOT A BUMPER BUT IF YOU HEAR THEIR JEANS REALLY LOW, YOU CAN JUST SEE- HEY, I AM A SOCIAL SCIENTIST/TATTOO PHILE. I SHALL PROVE MY THEORY EMPERICALLY !
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
EXCUSE ME, MADAM, BUT WOULD YOU MIND PULLING DOWN YOUR -
THE SCIENTIFIC LIFE IS FRAUGHT WITH PERIL.

SO HOW'S EDWARD?
TERRIFIC. HE CAUGHT TWO ZEBRAS LAST WEEK AND A WATER BUFFALO ON FRIDAY.. HOW'S LARRY?
...Oooookay... Now me mad.

I'VE WRITTEN ANOTHER MOVIE REVIEW. THIS ONE'S ABOUT "LAWRENCE OF ARABIA."
PERHAPS THE GREATEST FILM EVER MADE. WHAT'D YOU SAY ABOUT IT?
"TOO MUCH SAND."
SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?
OHH, JUST A D.V.D.
"STEEL MAGNOLIAS"? DUDE DUDE DUDE,
THIS IS A CHICK FLICK.
OH, I KNOW.
IT'S FOR... MY COUSIN.
MY... GIRL COUSIN.
REALLY?
UH HUH.
...I WAS SO NOT EMOTIONALLY PREPARED FOR THAT.
SNORKT.

I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME A MOVIE REVIEWER. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIT ON YOUR BIG FAT BUTT AND SHOUT OUT OPINIONS.
OH, YEAH? THEN LET'S HEAR ONE.
"KILL BILL"...GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE, EXCEPT FOR ONE THING... THE LEVEL OF GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE.
YEAH...A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THERE'S TOO MUCH.
TOO LITTLE.
OH, LOOK...PEOPLE IN FUNNY WHITE COATS HERE TO PICK UP A SOCIOPATH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MY VIKINGS ARE BATTLING.
HAHAHAHA. THAT'S GREAT! WHAT DO THEY LIKE TO DO? KNOCK EACHOTHER IN THE HEAD WITH THOSE SPIKED CLUBS? GORE EACH OTHER WITH THOSE BIG SWORDS?
HAHA. YEAH... ALL OF THE ABOVE.
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG... GOOD FOR YOU.
I DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO TELL HIM THEY'RE SCRATCHING AND PULLING HAIR.

Honeeeeeeey... I'm hoooooooome... and I caught a zeeeeeeeeebra...
WILL YOU PLEASE STOP BUYING BUCKETS OF "KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN" AND WRITING "FRESH ZEEBRA MEAT" ON THE SIDE... IT'S EMBARRASSING... DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND I KNOW THAT'S NOT A ZEBRA IN THERE?? ARE YOU THAT DELUSIONAL??
And look... Dis one had WINGS!

WHAT WE GET FROM THE TOLSONS?
ONE OF OUR CHINA PLACE SETTINGS.
THE TOLSONS SURE ARE GENEROUS.
THEY SURE ARE. I WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE THEM AT THE WEDDING.
WHAT'S THAT NEXT GIFT?
I THINK IT'S FROM ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORS.
...WHAT IS IT?
A WASHCLOTH. ONE WASHCLOTH.
WHAT KIND OF AN @#$%&! COMES TO A WEDDING WHERE HE'S SERVED A HUNDRED DOLLAR DINNER AND BUYS THE COUPLE A FOUR DOLLAR GIFT?!?!
HOW TO PROFIT FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S WEDDINGS
HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WASHCLOTH?

RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, GLORIA STEINER, RENOWNED FEMINIST AND DEFENDER OF WOMEN'S RIGHTS.
LICKEY LICKEY LICK
NEVER STICK YOUR UNWELCOME TONGUE IN THE EAR OF A FEMINIST.
I'LL TEACH YOU TO RESPECT WOMEN!!

Hulla, zeeba neighba. Oh, no. Me have toothache.
Oh, no. Me look in mouf.
CLOMP! CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP!
AHHHHH!
Me got no hed!!
...Now DIS a funny comic.
HAHAHAHA. Dat best strip since "Sally Forth."

GENTLEMEN, THE CORPORATE LIFE BORES ME. THUS, I QUIT. BUT BEFORE I LEAVE, I’D LIKE TO UNVEIL THE COMPANY’S NEW SLOGAN FOR WHY WE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO DRILL IN ALASKA.
IT’S ONLY ALASKA
SIR, A LOT OF PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT ALASKA IS QUITE BEAUTIFUL AND THAT THE WILD-LIFE THERE NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED.
AND THAT’S WHERE MANNY THE BRIBE-TAKING MOOSE COMES IN.
PIPELINES ARE FUN!
NICE.

GENTLEMEN, RAISE THE PRICE OF GAS.
WE NEED A CREDIBLE-SOUNDING REASON, SIR.
MY REAR END ITCHES.
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
WONDERFUL, SIR.

GENTLEMEN,
RAISE THE
PRICE OF
GAS!
SIR, WE DID THAT
YESTERDAY. WE'LL
NEED A REASON.
"CONFLICT
IN THE
MIDDLE
EAST."
SIR. WE
USED THAT
TUESDAY.
"INSTABILITY
IN THE
REGION."
THAT
WAS
MONDAY.
"BECAUSE
WE CAN."
I LIKE
IT.

HELLO... ARE YOU HERE FOR THE INTERN POSITION?
YES.
WHAT ARE YOUR QUALIFI- CATIONS?
I'M GREEDY. I LIE. AND I WANT TO STEP ON THE HEADS OF THE LITTLE PEOPLE.
HMM... SOUNDS LIKE YOU MIGHT NOT BE THE RIGHT FIT FOR OUR IN- TERNSHIP.
OH? THEN WHAT AM I A GOOD FIT FOR?
GENTLEMEN... OUR NEW C.E.O.

A moment of silence
in honor of the American
men and women killed
in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Memorial Day, 2006

HEY, DUDE. SORRY I CRUSHED YOUR EGO... THESE THINGS HAPPEN ...
HI, RAT. I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD TIME, BUT I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I'M LEAVING YOU FOR ZIGGY. HE'S A REAL MAN.
WITHER
WITHER
WITHER
WITHER
SCOLOSH
I THINK I STEPPED ON A DOODY.

WHO'S THE CUTE LITTLE GUY?
MY EGO. HE’S A WEE BIT TINY, I KNOW.
COME ON OUT, L’IL GUY. IT’S OKAY. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE SHY.
UH..I...I'M JUST...KINDA... FRAGILE. SO...I...JUST...UH...STAY...UH...
I THINK I STEPPED ON A DOODY.

WHO'S THAT LITTLE GUY?
MY EGO. HE JUST WALKED IN.
YOUR EGO? ISN'T HE A LITTLE... SMALL?
I DUNNO. MAYBE THEY'RE ALL THAT SIZE...
I THINK I BROKE THE GARAGE DOOR.

LOOK AT THAT ANGELINA JOLIE. WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO KISS THOSE BIG, FAT LIPS?
YEAH. I'D LOVE TO KISS A GIRL.
DUDE ... YOU'VE NEVER KISSED A GIRL?
NO.
BUT YOU'VE BEEN DATING PIGITA FOR SIX YEARS.
WE’RE TAKING IT SLOW.

HEY, DUDE,
YOU LOOK
KNOCKED DOWN.
HERE, HAVE
MY COFFEE.
I’M TRYING TO
GIVE IT UP.
I’M SO EMBARRASSED. I WENT
TO THE GYM TODAY AND THE
WOMAN AT THE FRONT COUNTER
SAID, “HAVE A GOOD WORKOUT,”
AND IN FRONT OF
EVERYONE, I SHOUTED,
“YOU, TOO!” BUT SHE WASN’T
WORKING OUT... I WAS.
AHH...
YES. AN
I.Y.T.?
AN I.Y.T.?
AN “INAPPLICABLE
‘YOU, TOO’”... A
HUMILIATING SOCIAL
MALADY COMMON
AMONG DINNER-
HEADS SUCH AS
YOURSELF.
SO
WHAT
DO
I
DO?
JUST TRY TO
FORGET ABOUT
IT... ANYHOW,
I GOTTA GO...
ENJOY YOUR
COFFEE...
YOU,
TOO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LIFE HAS OVERWHELMED ME, SO I HAVE SHOVED MY HEAD INTO THE SAND.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
BECAUSE IGNORING REALITY IS THE NEXT BEST THING TO CHANGING IT.
THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

HEY THERE, STEPHAN... WHY DO YOU HAVE ONE OF THE CROCS ON A LEASH?
THIS IS BFF. HE'S THE DUMBEST OF ALL THE CROCODILES. HE'S THE FIRST CHARACTER I'VE EVER CREATED WHO SIMPLY CAN'T TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I'LL JUST HAVE TO KEEP HIM IN MY YARD AND FEED HIM AND EVERYTHING.
IS IT SAFE TO WALK A CROCODILE AROUND THE BLOCK LIKE THAT?
WHY WOULDN'T IT BE?
WELL, WHAT IF YOU COME ACROSS A SMALL POODLE OR SOMETHING AND HE ATTACKS?
I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.