Pearls Before Swine | Search

WELL, DUDE, AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU GOT SOME SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND STOPPED WORRYING ABOUT YOUR FICTIONAL SEA ANEMONE ENEMY?
I SURE AM...IT'S WEIRD HOW YOUR FEARS CAN GET THE BETTER OF YOU...NOW I CAN LOOK BACK AND LAUGH...
KEEP LAUGHING, DEAD MAN
WALTER RESPONDED
THE ANEMONE
THAT'S TROUBLING.
KEEP LAUGHING, DEAD MAN
WALTER RESPONDED
THE ANEMONE

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
STANDING GUARD. I'VE BEEN UP THREE STRAIGHT NIGHTS. YOU SEE, ELEVEN YEARS AGO, I GOT INTO A TERRIBLE FIGHT WITH A SEA ANEMONE, THE DETAILS OF WHICH ARE TOO PAINFUL TO RECOUNT, AND THIS IS THE YEAR HE SWORE TO GET HIS REVENGE... I FEEL HE IS NEAR.
OKAY, DUDE. YOUR SAD LITTLE CRANIUM HAS MORPHED INTO A DELUSIONAL FUNHOUSE... GET SOME SLEEP... NOW.
OKAY.
AT LAST.

SWEET MOTHER OF—
HEY!... YOU’RE THE...THE...BLUEBIRD OF HAPPINESS!
YEEES, I AM.
OH MY GOODNESS...MY LIFE HAS ALWAYS BEEN SO SAD...I’VE BEEN SUCH A LOSER...BUT NOW...NOW I’LL BE HAPPY!!
YEEES, YOU WILL... FOR YEARS I’VE KNOWN NOT ONE INSTANT OF HOW YOU’VE BEEN TREATED BY OTHERS, AND I THOUGHT YOU FINALLY DESERVED SOME TRUE JOY IN YOUR LONELY, PATHETIC LIFE.
OOOHHHHH...
WHOA?!
GOD, BRADBURY??!
BO?!
OOHHHHHHHH...
NO... NO...THANK YOU, JOSEPH C. SIKALBUSKY!
SIGH...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M MASSAGING THE LAMP.
WHY ARE YOU MASSAGING THE LAMP?
TO RELIEVE STRESS. I'M SURE THAT
BEING A LAMP CAN BE QUITE STRESSFUL.
THAT LAMP HAS NO STRESS.
NOT NOW IT DOESN'T.
.... YOU'VE SET US BACK MONTHS.

EXCUSE ME, GOAT, BUT SINCE YOU'RE SO SMART, PIG AND I WERE WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP US SOLVE A SCIENTIFIC MYSTERY.
WELL, I CAN TRY... WHAT IS IT?
IF ISAAC NEWTON WAS SO SMART, WHY'D THEY NAME THE COOKIE AFTER HIS BROTHER 'FIG'?
PLEASE... TELL ME... THAT... WASN'T REALLY... YOUR QUESTION...
WELL, IT WASN'T OUR ONLY QUESTION... WE'D ALSO LIKE TO KNOW WHAT HE THOUGHT OF HIS BROTHER WAYNE'S SUCCESS IN VEGAS.
DUDE, I THINK HE'S CRYING.
WOW, HE MUST REALLY LOVE WAYNE NEWTON...
PLEASE, SOMEONE KILL ME.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
AN INTERNET MESSAGE BOARD FOR ZEBRAS.
WHAT'S ON IT?
TIPS ON HOW TO SURVIVE THE CROCODILES. ALL THE ZEBRAS POST 'EM. IT'S PRETTY HELPFUL, TOO, EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE ZEBRA'S POSTS. HIS ADVICE IS TERRIBLE.
Hugging dem WORKS!!

WHAT'S THAT THING?
IT'S A SEISMOGRAPH... I BOUGHT IT TO CHART YOUR FATNESS. RIGHT NOW, EACH ONE OF YOUR STEPS PRODUCES THE EQUIVALENT OF A MAGNITUDE 1.9 EARTHQUAKE.
OH, NO... THAT'S BAD.
WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT YESTERDAY YOUR WALKING PROVIDED A 2.1... SO PERHAPS YOUR FATNESS IS DIMINISHING.
YAY! YAY! YAY!
...YOU'VE DESTROYED TOKYO.

HULLOOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBA... LEEESTEN... WE CROCKYDILES NOW WANT BE FRIENDS... PLEEESE ACCEPT WOODEN HORSE AS TOKEN OF FRIENDSHEEP...
LISTEN, I APPRECIATE THE GESTURE, BUT I KNOW THAT THING'S FILLED WITH CROCODILES, SO I'D PREFER YOU KEEP IT.
OH, YEAH? WELL, ME PREFER YOU NO INSULT US BY MAKING FALSELY-IED LIBELLUS STATEMENTS.
AND ME PREFER LARRY GET BIG FAT BUTT OUT OF FACE.
WHAT YOU KNOW? HORSE TALK. MEBBE HE MR. ED.
MY BUTT NOT FAT, BOB.
YOU CRACK WINDOW NOW, LARRY. BIG PIECE SMELL.

HI, PIG.
THANKS FOR COMING.
YOUR AUNT LOVED YOU SO MUCH.
HI, UNCLE JIM. HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I BROUGHT ALONG SOME FRIENDS FOR SUPPORT.
THEY'RE THE FIVE DENTISTS YOU HEAR ABOUT ON T.V.
YOU KNOW, FOUR OUT OF FIVE DENTISTS AGREE?
YOU HAVE OUR SYMPATHY.
OUR CONDOLENCES.
A TERRIBLE LOSS.
SO SORRY.
SHE'S DEAD ALRIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
UPDATING MY BLOG.
GEEZ, DUDE. DOES EVERY LOSER AND HIS MOTHER NOW HAVE ONE OF THOSE?
DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE PURPOSE OF A BLOG IS?
NO.
WELL, FOR ONE THING, IT'S A GREAT WAY TO TEACH THE WORLD A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR BELIEFS.
BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. WHATEVER.
I am greatness personified.

MY MOM CAME OVER TO THE HOUSE TODAY TO TELL ME WHAT A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT I AM.
DIDN'T SHE COME OVER AND TELL YOU THAT YESTERDAY?
YEAH... SHE WALKS ALL THE WAY OVER TO OUR HOUSE EVERY MORNING JUST TO TELL ME WHAT A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT I AM... TODAY I FINALLY GOT UP THE COURAGE TO ASK HER WHY.
WHAT DID SHE SAY?
SHE NEEDS THE EXERCISE.

ONE OF THOSE STUPID CROCS NEXT DOOR TO ME FINALLY GOT A JOB.
A JOB? THOSE CROCS CAN BARELY SPEAK. WHAT KIND OF JOB REQUIRES VIRTUALLY NO LANGUAGE SKILLS?
Here you stop, meester man.
EXCUSE ME?

Dear Zeeba,
Me is gonna keel you.
But you no know who
me is, becuz me
annoneemiss.
Annoneemiss!!! Geet it?
Me is gonna be standeen
right nexx to yous and
you & no is gonna know it
so me keel you like dat!!!
HAHAHAHAHA AH AHA AHA!!!!!!!
Sincerely,
Bob
(da croc nexx door)

HI, PIGITA. I WANT YOU TO MEET SOME FRIENDS OF MINE.. THEY'RE THE FIVE DENTISTS YOU ALWAYS HEAR ABOUT ON T.V. WHEN THEY SAY, "FOUR OUT OF FIVE DENTISTS AGREE..."
NICE TO MEET YOU.
HOW DO YOU DO?
WE'VE HEARD GREAT THINGS.
A PLEASURE.
CHARMED.
MY, YOU'RE FAT.

WHAT'S THAT, PIG?
IT'S MY HOPES AND DREAMS VASE. I JUST MADE IT. WHENEVER I HAVE A HOPE OR DREAM, I'M GONNA WRITE IT DOWN AND PUT IT IN HERE. THEN MY DREAMS'LL COME TRUE.
BAD SIGN.

WHO ARE THESE GUYS?

THE FIVE DENTISTS... YOU KNOW HOW ON THE COMMERCIALS, IT ALWAYS SAYS FOUR OUT OF FIVE DENTISTS AGREE?.. THIS IS THEM.

WHY'D YOU BRING THEM?

THEY LOVE THIS RESTAURANT.

LOVE IT.

THEY LOVE THIS PLACE.

IT'S GREAT.

SUPER.

TERRIFIC.

THIS PLACE BITES.

HI...UH... I'M ERNIE... AND I'VE... I'VE... GOT A PROBLEM.
HI, ERNIE!!
I... UH... LIKE... WHENEVER I SEE AN INSPIRATIONAL LITTLE STORY ON THE INTERNET, I... UM, ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO...UH... SEND IT TO... EVERYONE I KNOW...
IT'S OKAY, MAN.
IT'S ALRIGHT.
AND LIKE, UH, IF THERE'S A FUNNY JOKE OR PICTURE OR A LINK I LIKE... I... UH, I SEND THAT, TOO...
AND LIKE US, ERNIE... WHAT KIND OF RESPONSE DO YOU GET?
HI...UH...PRETTY MUCH NOTHING... IT'S LIKE THEY DON'T CARE.
AND YET WHAT DO YOU DO THE NEXT TIME YOU FIND SOMETHING INTERESTING ON THE INTERNET?
I SEND IT TO EVERYONE... I CAN'T STOP...UH... GRANT, IT'S AWFUL...I JUST KEEP DOING IT!!
IT'LL BE OKAY, BUD.
WE'LL HELP YOU STOP.
WELCOME TO INFOSENDERS ANONYMOUS
[jokes misspelled--typed backwards]
IF YOU CARE HOW LITTLE YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU, YOU'VE TAKEN THE FIRST STEP TO RECOVERY
LAST NAMES ARE OPTIONAL.
YOU CAN OPENLY CLAIM TO THINK LIFE AFFIRMING STORIES YOU PASS ALONG WILL ACTUALLY MAKE PEOPLE CARE
YOU CAN ALWAYS ADMIT TO BEING THE "HE

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?

IT'S MY NEW CHICK COREA C.D... HE'S MY FAVORITE JAZZ PIANIST.

WELL, I'M SURE HE'D BE A LOT MORE POPULAR IF HE'D JUST STOP THREATENING OUR COUNTRY WITH NUCLEAR MISSILES.

THAT'S NORTH KOREA.
OH... WHAT INSTRUMENT DOES HE PLAY?

EXCUSE ME, PAL... IS THIS YOUR PRODUCE?
YES, OFFICER, IT IS... IS THERE A PROBLEM?
YOU BET THERE'S A PROBLEM. THEY JUST GOT PICKED UP IN A VICE STING DOWNTOWN. LISTEN, EITHER YOU KEEP A BETTER EYE ON YOUR PRODUCE, OR YOU AND ME ARE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM.
BELIEVE ME, OFFICER, THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER LET MY PRODUCE LEAVE THE HOUSE LIKE THAT... IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN...
...I THINK I KILLED THE NEIGHBOR'S DOG.

LEMME GET THIS STRAIGHT... THE BROCCOLI JUST ASKS YOU FOR THE CAR KEYS AND BADDA-BING, BADDA-BOOM, HE GETS 'EM??

WELL, GOSH, HE ASKED SO NICELY.. WHAT COULD I DO?
SURE, I KNOW THE SCORE, PAL... THE SNEAKY VEGETABLE GETS THE CAR KEYS... MEAN, LISTEN, IF THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GONNA GO DOWN, AND THE BROCCOLI GETS WHAT HE WANTS, THEN WE GET WHAT WE WANT... GOT IT?
... IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE IN THE CAR.
BELIEVE ME, WE WON'T.

EXCUSE ME, PAL... SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT CAN I BORROW THE CAR KEYS?
AREN'T YOU THE BROCCOLI FROM OUR FRIDGE?
YEAH, BUT I GOTTA GET OUT, MAN... I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
GOTCHA.
OKAY, HERE. BUT BE DISCREET ABOUT IT. IF WORD GETS OUT AMONG THE OTHER PRODUCE THEY'RE ALL GONNA WANT TO LEAVE.
...WE'RE HEARING TALK.

Brudders, brudders... Peeze gadder togeder. We got sad announcement to make... gahden gnomes not reel peePul...
We know dis beeg deesappointment foh you who tink you catch reel peePul. We hope dis not affekk you too much.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
AT THE HOME AND GARDEN CENTER BUYING GARDEN GNOMES.
WHY GARDEN GNOMES?
BECAUSE WHENEVER I PUT PLASTIC FLAMINGOS ON THE LAWN, SOMEONE STEALS THEM...I'M HOPING THAT WHOEVER IT IS WILL AT LEAST LEAVE THESE ALONE.
We is moving up da food chain, baby!!

CAN I HELP YOU TWO?
YEAH...WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE WINE COUNTRY.
WELL...YOU FOUND IT...NOT MUCH TO IT, THOUGH, IS IT?
IT LOOKS OKAY TO ME.
YEAH, BUT
WE'VE HAD STORMS...
TOO MUCH FOGGY NIGHTS...
TOO MUCH COLD CRUDE,
AND
OH, THE TRAFFIC. WHAT ABOUT THE TRAFFIC?! THE POLLEN ? MY ALLERGIES?
GUYS GUYS GUYS...WINE COUNTRY... W-I-N-E... NO "H."
OH...
NO IDEA, MAN.
BUT IT'S PROBABLY A TERRIBLE PLACE TO VISIT !!
WHY, WAY OVERPRICED, DUDE!
GET BACK HERE! I HAVEN'T FINISHED LISTING MY HEALTH PROBLEMS !!
BUT I'M GONNA CHECK OUT THIS PLACE.
SHUT UP, MORON...I'VE READ THE MAP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I WISH I KNEW.
HOW DO YOU FIND YOURSELF TIED UP IN A GARDEN HOSE WITH A PAPER BAG OVER YOUR HEAD AND NOT KNOW WHY?
IT'S BEEN THAT KIND OF MORNING.