Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, DUDE,
YOU LOOK
KNOCKED DOWN.
HERE, HAVE
MY COFFEE.
I’M TRYING TO
GIVE IT UP.
I’M SO EMBARRASSED. I WENT
TO THE GYM TODAY AND THE
WOMAN AT THE FRONT COUNTER
SAID, “HAVE A GOOD WORKOUT,”
AND IN FRONT OF
EVERYONE, I SHOUTED,
“YOU, TOO!” BUT SHE WASN’T
WORKING OUT... I WAS.
AHH...
YES. AN
I.Y.T.?
AN I.Y.T.?
AN “INAPPLICABLE
‘YOU, TOO’”... A
HUMILIATING SOCIAL
MALADY COMMON
AMONG DINNER-
HEADS SUCH AS
YOURSELF.
SO
WHAT
DO
I
DO?
JUST TRY TO
FORGET ABOUT
IT... ANYHOW,
I GOTTA GO...
ENJOY YOUR
COFFEE...
YOU,
TOO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LIFE HAS OVERWHELMED ME, SO I HAVE SHOVED MY HEAD INTO THE SAND.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
BECAUSE IGNORING REALITY IS THE NEXT BEST THING TO CHANGING IT.
THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

HEY THERE, STEPHAN... WHY DO YOU HAVE ONE OF THE CROCS ON A LEASH?
THIS IS BFF. HE'S THE DUMBEST OF ALL THE CROCODILES. HE'S THE FIRST CHARACTER I'VE EVER CREATED WHO SIMPLY CAN'T TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I'LL JUST HAVE TO KEEP HIM IN MY YARD AND FEED HIM AND EVERYTHING.
IS IT SAFE TO WALK A CROCODILE AROUND THE BLOCK LIKE THAT?
WHY WOULDN'T IT BE?
WELL, WHAT IF YOU COME ACROSS A SMALL POODLE OR SOMETHING AND HE ATTACKS?
I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

EXCUSE ME, SWEETIE, BUT I COULDN'T HELP NOTICING HOW HOT YOU ARE...HOW'D YOU LIKE TO GET DINNER WITH ME?
WHY THE @&$#* SHOULD I GET DINNER WITH YOU?
BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, THE TERRORISTS WIN.
...WORTH A TRY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I AM "HULA PIG." THE WORLD IS IN SUCH BAD SHAPE, I THOUGHT I'D TRY TO HULA OUR WAY OUT OF IT.
I'M NOT THE MOST MASCULINE GUY.

WELL, FOLKS, WE'VE OBVIOUSLY HAD A BIT OF A PROBLEM WITH ONE OF OUR PARTICIPANTS, BUT ALL IS TAKEN CARE OF NOW. BY THE WAY, IF ANY OF YOU SHOULD NEED IT, THE BATHROOM'S DOWN THE HALL, AND WITH THAT, LET'S --
BATHROOM BREAK!!
OF COURSE, SOME OF YOU HAVE LOST YOUR BATHROOM PRIVILEGES.
SMOKING BREAK!!

WELCOME, FOLKS, TO OUR ANGER MAN-
AGEMENT SUPPORT GROUP, THE PUR-
POSE OF WHICH IS TO HELP EACH OF
YOU CONTROL YOUR ANGER IN SIT-
UATIONS WHERE YOU MIGHT FEEL
SLIGHTED OR DISRESPECTED.
AND BELIEVE ME, I DON'T WANT YOU
TO THINK THERE'S ANY STIGMA ASSO-
CIATED WITH YOUR BEING HERE. IT
DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE SOME VIOLENT
NUT WHO FLIES OFF THE HANDLE...
IT MEANS YOU'RE A LOVING, CARING
SOUL WHO WANTS TO FIND A LOVING,
CARING SANCTUARY, FOREVER FREE
FROM YOUR PROBLEM.
"... IT WAS THE WAY HE
SAID 'PROBLEM.'"

HEY, MY GOOD NEIGHBOR, PIG. WHO'S YOUR FEATHERY HOMEBOY?
OH, HI, JASON. THIS IS MY GUARD DUCK. BUT BE KINDA CAREFUL. HE'S REAL SENSITIVE AND HE'S GOT AN ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEM.
OH YEAH? WEL, I'D RECOMMEND HIM SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST, BUT MAKE SURE TO FIND SOMEONE WHO'S NOT A...QUACK!! HAHAHAHAHA... GET IT?...
BAD DUCK.

YOU KNOW, NEIGHBOR BOB, I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER MET YOUR FATHER.
WELL, PIG...I'M AFRAID MY DAD IS UP ABOVE, LOOKING DOWN AT US...
HI.
THAT'S KINDA CREEPY.

WELL, WELL, WELL... IF IT ISN'T MY PERSONALITY-CHALLENGED CREATOR, STEPHAN PASTIS...
NOT TODAY, RAT. I'M HAVING A REALLY BAD DAY.
OH, NO! DID YOU TRY TO DRAW A TABLE AND FAIL?
LISTEN, FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I HAD TO TAKE BIG BRUTE AWAY FROM HIS HOME AND PUT HIM IN MY BACKYARD.
BIG BRUTE'S THE DUMBEST HE'S EVER CREATED SO MY WIFE SAID IF I KEPT HIM IN OUR HOUSE ONE MORE DAY, SHE'D TURN INTO ONE. BUT TO TAKE HIM HOME, WHERE AT LEAST I CAN PROTECT HIM--
DUDE, ISN'T THAT LIKE THE ULTIMATE HUMILIATION? FOR A CROCODILE TO BE CHAINED UP AND PSYCHANALYZED LIKE A COMMON DOG?? WHAT'S HE GONNA SAY TO HIS FELLOW CROCS?
LISTEN, DUDE, IT'S EITHER THAT OR HE STUMBLES OR WALKS IN FRONT OF A BUS OR SOMETHING... AND BESIDES, I DON'T TELL HIM WHY HE JUST HANGS OUT IN MY BACKYARD. WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'S THINKING...
Me a baaaaad man.
Bad? He sad.
Sad? He hectic.

DEVIL DOG TO ICEMAN… COME IN, ICEMAN… PROJECT “FRIED BACON” IN JEOPARDY. REQUEST PERMISSION TO ABORT.
COME IN, DEVIL DOG… REPORT STATUS.
SIR, WE LEFT THE BOMB WITH THE LITTLE PIG, BUT IT WAS GRABBED BY THE WOLF, WHO BAKED IT IN A MEATLOAF AND GAVE IT TO A PORCUPINE NAMED ALPHONSE.
BUT THE PORCUPINE HATES MEATLOAF SO HE GAVE IT TO A SHEEP,
WHO REGIFTED IT TO A ZEBRA,
WHO PASSED IT ON TO SOME DUMB PREDATOR NEIGHBOR OF HIS WHO HADN’T HAD A MEAL IN WEEKS.
WHO WAS THE UNLUCKY PREDATOR?
NOT WHO YOU WERE EXPECTING, WAS IT?

SHORT
SKIZZINK
SHORT
GRUNT
MORNIN', PAL.
HEY, IF YOU'RE
GOING TO THE
KITCHEN, COULD
YOU BRING ME
A CUP OF
COFFEE?
TICK
TICK
TICK
TICK
TICK
YOU FORGOT
THE COFFEE.

RAT. RAT... WAKE UP, RAT!
ZZZZZZZZ WINNNNNNAAAAAAA ZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZ
SRZKNKSS HUH? WHO? WHUZZIT? WHUH?
RAT...I FOUND SOMETHING ON MY PILLOW.
THERE IS NOTHING SO IMPORTANT THAT IT CAN'T WAIT UNTIL MORNING. UNDER-STAND??
YES, I'M SORRY. I'LL JUST SIT OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR AND WAIT.
GOOD! NOW SHUT YOUR @#%&*@# FACE!!
tick
tick
tick
tick
tick

YAAAWWAAAWWW...
PIG!... UH... WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?
JUST GETTING WATER, MY LIL AWESOME PAL... HOW 'BOUT YOU?
SAME.

OH, THANK YOU, PIG, FOR LETTING US STAY WITH YOU.
OH, GEE, NOW THAT WE'RE NOT ENEMIES, WE CAN BE BUDDIES. SO HERE ARE YOUR BLANKETS AND HERE ARE YOUR JAMMIES. TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT FROM THE FRIDGE.
OH, THANK YOU, SWEETHEART... GOD BLESS YOU... GOD BLESS YOU...
TOODLES!
HE DIES AT DAWN.

WHAT THE? YOU'RE MY SEA ANEMONE ENEMY! I THOUGHT RAT KILLED YOU WITH THE GARLIC DURR!
WRONG. HE SPLIT US INTO TWO NEW ANEMONES. MY NAME'S ANNETTE O'NEMIE AND THIS IS MY SISTER, ANN. SHE'S A HOUSEKEEPER.
SO NOW I HAVE TWO SEA ANEMONE ENEMIES?
OH MY, HEAVENS, NO. MY SISTER AND I HAVE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH NUNS AND HAVE BOTH GROWN QUITE RELIGIOUS...AND IN ADDITION TO CLEANING OUR SOULS, WE'VE CLEANSED OUR BODIES WITH REGULAR COLONICS, EVERYONE'S DOIN' 'EM. WHY JUST LAST WEEK, WE RAN INTO EMINEM AT THE CLINIC...
YOU MEAN?
YES, A NUN AND ME, ANNETTE O'NEMIE, AND ANN, A MAID, WHO ARE NOT YOUR SEA ANEMONE ENEMIES, HAD ENEMAS WITH EMINEM, AN EMINENT M.C.'S EMISSARY...
AMEN.
STOP!!

Hulllooo, zeeba neighba... Leesten... We crocs turn new leaf. Make rela- shunship wid God.
WELL GOOD FOR YOU.
Yes. Ees gud. Now, if you peese shut mouf, we say nice prayer to God.
God... We loves you. Wid all our hearts. And all our souls.
Now kill do zeeba.
IS YOU DEAF?
SSSHHH
God have bad aim.

Honey…
NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES
YOU WATCH “THE CROCODILE
HUNTER,” THE EPISODE IS NEVER
GONNA END WITH A CROCODILE
RIPPING OFF STEVE IRWIN’S HEAD.
BUT DAT
VOICE
EES SO
%@#*
ANNOYEN!!
I KNOW,
SWEETIE…
I KNOW.

OH, MY GOODNESS, IT'S THE PRESIDENT'S MOTHER, BARBARA BUSH. WHAT A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU!
WELL, THANK YOU... IT'S A PLEASURE MEETING YOU.
LICKEY LICKEY LICK
SAY GOODBYE TO THAT CHARACTER.
STICK YOUR TONGUE IN THE EAR OF THE PRESIDENT'S MAMA, WILL YA?

Howdy do, neighbor... Listen.. My kid's selling animal crackers to raise money for the school band.
WHAT ARE THEY IN THE SHAPE OF?
Well, this one's got a whale grabbing a seal from the shore. And here he is snapping the little guy's neck. Oh, and here's a whale with half a seal hanging from his mouth. Put you down for a box?
No.
Got something against band?

WHO'S THAT SITTING NEXT TO YOU, PIG?
THAT'S STROMOSKI, THE UNDATABLE FROG.
LICKETY LICKETY LICK
I THINK HE LIKES YOU.

Hey, pal. Sorry to bother you, but I want you to know that if you’d like to come outside, it’s safe… And to prove my good faith, I’ve put a blindfold over my big white eyes.
THOSE ARE SPOTS. YOU LEFT YOUR EYES UNCOVERED...
My mistake.

HIYA, RAT. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY NEW FRIEND, "STROMOSKI THE FROG," WHO HAS TROUBLE MEETING WOMEN.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TROUBLE MEETING WOMEN?
LICKEY
LICKETY
LICK
I THINK IT'S HIS APPROACH.
STICK YOUR TONGUE IN MY EAR,
WILL YOU?!?!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
FOR REASONS UNEXPLAINED, I HAVE PERFORMED THE FIRST KIND ACT OF MY LIFE.
OH? AND WHAT IS THAT?
I DONATED THIS NICE PARK BENCH TO THE CITY, AND I EVEN LET SOME GUYS WHOSE FRIEND DIED HAVE HIS SIGN SOMEWHERE ENGRAVED ON THIS PLAQUE, SO I CHOSE PIG.
YEAH...JUST THINK...WHENEVER SOMEONE SITS BY THIS LAKE, THEY'LL THINK OF ME.
...ISN'T IT LOVELY?
GUYS I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO HAVE THE GUYS WHO WROTE 'IN MEMORY OF' FIX THE GUY'S NAME.
WHY? IT LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU SPELL IT.
F.Y.I., PIG, IT'S 'GAJWAN'.
I DOUBT ANYONE WOULD NOTICE THAT.
WELL, IF IT'S GOTTA BE FIXED, IT'S GOTTA BE FIXED. WHAT CHOICE DO YOU HAVE?
...GOODBYE, PAL.

PIG PIG PIG! THE HOT U.P.S. DRIVER IS AT THE DOOR... ARE YOU READY TO FINALLY TALK TO HER?
TO QUOTE MY FAVORITE ESPN SPORTCSASTER, STUART SCOTT, I AM AS COOL AS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PILLOW.
YOU'RE NOT NERVOUS?
COOL AS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PILLOW.
YOU'RE NOT SWEATING?
COOL AS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PILLOW.
YOU'RE NOT TONGUE-TIED?
COOL AS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PILLOW.
FLUBBIDA FLUBBIDA FLUBBIDA FLUBBIDA FLUBBIDA FLUBBIDA FLUBBIDA
DROP IT AND RUN.