Pearls Before Swine | Search

EXCUSE ME, GOAT, BUT SINCE YOU'RE SO SMART, PIG AND I WERE WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP US SOLVE A SCIENTIFIC MYSTERY.
WELL, I CAN TRY... WHAT IS IT?
IF ISAAC NEWTON WAS SO SMART, WHY'D THEY NAME THE COOKIE AFTER HIS BROTHER 'FIG'?
PLEASE... TELL ME... THAT... WASN'T REALLY... YOUR QUESTION...
WELL, IT WASN'T OUR ONLY QUESTION... WE'D ALSO LIKE TO KNOW WHAT HE THOUGHT OF HIS BROTHER WAYNE'S SUCCESS IN VEGAS.
DUDE, I THINK HE'S CRYING.
WOW, HE MUST REALLY LOVE WAYNE NEWTON...
PLEASE, SOMEONE KILL ME.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
AN INTERNET MESSAGE BOARD FOR ZEBRAS.
WHAT'S ON IT?
TIPS ON HOW TO SURVIVE THE CROCODILES. ALL THE ZEBRAS POST 'EM. IT'S PRETTY HELPFUL, TOO, EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE ZEBRA'S POSTS. HIS ADVICE IS TERRIBLE.
Hugging dem WORKS!!

WHAT'S THAT THING?
IT'S A SEISMOGRAPH... I BOUGHT IT TO CHART YOUR FATNESS. RIGHT NOW, EACH ONE OF YOUR STEPS PRODUCES THE EQUIVALENT OF A MAGNITUDE 1.9 EARTHQUAKE.
OH, NO... THAT'S BAD.
WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT YESTERDAY YOUR WALKING PROVIDED A 2.1... SO PERHAPS YOUR FATNESS IS DIMINISHING.
YAY! YAY! YAY!
...YOU'VE DESTROYED TOKYO.

HULLOOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBA... LEEESTEN... WE CROCKYDILES NOW WANT BE FRIENDS... PLEEESE ACCEPT WOODEN HORSE AS TOKEN OF FRIENDSHEEP...
LISTEN, I APPRECIATE THE GESTURE, BUT I KNOW THAT THING'S FILLED WITH CROCODILES, SO I'D PREFER YOU KEEP IT.
OH, YEAH? WELL, ME PREFER YOU NO INSULT US BY MAKING FALSELY-IED LIBELLUS STATEMENTS.
AND ME PREFER LARRY GET BIG FAT BUTT OUT OF FACE.
WHAT YOU KNOW? HORSE TALK. MEBBE HE MR. ED.
MY BUTT NOT FAT, BOB.
YOU CRACK WINDOW NOW, LARRY. BIG PIECE SMELL.

HI, PIG.
THANKS FOR COMING.
YOUR AUNT LOVED YOU SO MUCH.
HI, UNCLE JIM. HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I BROUGHT ALONG SOME FRIENDS FOR SUPPORT.
THEY'RE THE FIVE DENTISTS YOU HEAR ABOUT ON T.V.
YOU KNOW, FOUR OUT OF FIVE DENTISTS AGREE?
YOU HAVE OUR SYMPATHY.
OUR CONDOLENCES.
A TERRIBLE LOSS.
SO SORRY.
SHE'S DEAD ALRIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
UPDATING MY BLOG.
GEEZ, DUDE. DOES EVERY LOSER AND HIS MOTHER NOW HAVE ONE OF THOSE?
DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE PURPOSE OF A BLOG IS?
NO.
WELL, FOR ONE THING, IT'S A GREAT WAY TO TEACH THE WORLD A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR BELIEFS.
BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. WHATEVER.
I am greatness personified.

MY MOM CAME OVER TO THE HOUSE TODAY TO TELL ME WHAT A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT I AM.
DIDN'T SHE COME OVER AND TELL YOU THAT YESTERDAY?
YEAH... SHE WALKS ALL THE WAY OVER TO OUR HOUSE EVERY MORNING JUST TO TELL ME WHAT A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT I AM... TODAY I FINALLY GOT UP THE COURAGE TO ASK HER WHY.
WHAT DID SHE SAY?
SHE NEEDS THE EXERCISE.

ONE OF THOSE STUPID CROCS NEXT DOOR TO ME FINALLY GOT A JOB.
A JOB? THOSE CROCS CAN BARELY SPEAK. WHAT KIND OF JOB REQUIRES VIRTUALLY NO LANGUAGE SKILLS?
Here you stop, meester man.
EXCUSE ME?

Dear Zeeba,
Me is gonna keel you.
But you no know who
me is, becuz me
annoneemiss.
Annoneemiss!!! Geet it?
Me is gonna be standeen
right nexx to yous and
you & no is gonna know it
so me keel you like dat!!!
HAHAHAHAHA AH AHA AHA!!!!!!!
Sincerely,
Bob
(da croc nexx door)

HI, PIGITA. I WANT YOU TO MEET SOME FRIENDS OF MINE.. THEY'RE THE FIVE DENTISTS YOU ALWAYS HEAR ABOUT ON T.V. WHEN THEY SAY, "FOUR OUT OF FIVE DENTISTS AGREE..."
NICE TO MEET YOU.
HOW DO YOU DO?
WE'VE HEARD GREAT THINGS.
A PLEASURE.
CHARMED.
MY, YOU'RE FAT.

WHAT'S THAT, PIG?
IT'S MY HOPES AND DREAMS VASE. I JUST MADE IT. WHENEVER I HAVE A HOPE OR DREAM, I'M GONNA WRITE IT DOWN AND PUT IT IN HERE. THEN MY DREAMS'LL COME TRUE.
BAD SIGN.

WHO ARE THESE GUYS?

THE FIVE DENTISTS... YOU KNOW HOW ON THE COMMERCIALS, IT ALWAYS SAYS FOUR OUT OF FIVE DENTISTS AGREE?.. THIS IS THEM.

WHY'D YOU BRING THEM?

THEY LOVE THIS RESTAURANT.

LOVE IT.

THEY LOVE THIS PLACE.

IT'S GREAT.

SUPER.

TERRIFIC.

THIS PLACE BITES.

HI...UH... I'M ERNIE... AND I'VE... I'VE... GOT A PROBLEM.
HI, ERNIE!!
I... UH... LIKE... WHENEVER I SEE AN INSPIRATIONAL LITTLE STORY ON THE INTERNET, I... UM, ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO...UH... SEND IT TO... EVERYONE I KNOW...
IT'S OKAY, MAN.
IT'S ALRIGHT.
AND LIKE, UH, IF THERE'S A FUNNY JOKE OR PICTURE OR A LINK I LIKE... I... UH, I SEND THAT, TOO...
AND LIKE US, ERNIE... WHAT KIND OF RESPONSE DO YOU GET?
HI...UH...PRETTY MUCH NOTHING... IT'S LIKE THEY DON'T CARE.
AND YET WHAT DO YOU DO THE NEXT TIME YOU FIND SOMETHING INTERESTING ON THE INTERNET?
I SEND IT TO EVERYONE... I CAN'T STOP...UH... GRANT, IT'S AWFUL...I JUST KEEP DOING IT!!
IT'LL BE OKAY, BUD.
WE'LL HELP YOU STOP.
WELCOME TO INFOSENDERS ANONYMOUS
[jokes misspelled--typed backwards]
IF YOU CARE HOW LITTLE YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU, YOU'VE TAKEN THE FIRST STEP TO RECOVERY
LAST NAMES ARE OPTIONAL.
YOU CAN OPENLY CLAIM TO THINK LIFE AFFIRMING STORIES YOU PASS ALONG WILL ACTUALLY MAKE PEOPLE CARE
YOU CAN ALWAYS ADMIT TO BEING THE "HE

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?

IT'S MY NEW CHICK COREA C.D... HE'S MY FAVORITE JAZZ PIANIST.

WELL, I'M SURE HE'D BE A LOT MORE POPULAR IF HE'D JUST STOP THREATENING OUR COUNTRY WITH NUCLEAR MISSILES.

THAT'S NORTH KOREA.
OH... WHAT INSTRUMENT DOES HE PLAY?

EXCUSE ME, PAL... IS THIS YOUR PRODUCE?
YES, OFFICER, IT IS... IS THERE A PROBLEM?
YOU BET THERE'S A PROBLEM. THEY JUST GOT PICKED UP IN A VICE STING DOWNTOWN. LISTEN, EITHER YOU KEEP A BETTER EYE ON YOUR PRODUCE, OR YOU AND ME ARE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM.
BELIEVE ME, OFFICER, THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER LET MY PRODUCE LEAVE THE HOUSE LIKE THAT... IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN...
...I THINK I KILLED THE NEIGHBOR'S DOG.

LEMME GET THIS STRAIGHT... THE BROCCOLI JUST ASKS YOU FOR THE CAR KEYS AND BADDA-BING, BADDA-BOOM, HE GETS 'EM??

WELL, GOSH, HE ASKED SO NICELY.. WHAT COULD I DO?
SURE, I KNOW THE SCORE, PAL... THE SNEAKY VEGETABLE GETS THE CAR KEYS... MEAN, LISTEN, IF THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GONNA GO DOWN, AND THE BROCCOLI GETS WHAT HE WANTS, THEN WE GET WHAT WE WANT... GOT IT?
... IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE IN THE CAR.
BELIEVE ME, WE WON'T.

EXCUSE ME, PAL... SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT CAN I BORROW THE CAR KEYS?
AREN'T YOU THE BROCCOLI FROM OUR FRIDGE?
YEAH, BUT I GOTTA GET OUT, MAN... I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
GOTCHA.
OKAY, HERE. BUT BE DISCREET ABOUT IT. IF WORD GETS OUT AMONG THE OTHER PRODUCE THEY'RE ALL GONNA WANT TO LEAVE.
...WE'RE HEARING TALK.

Brudders, brudders... Peeze gadder togeder. We got sad announcement to make... gahden gnomes not reel peePul...
We know dis beeg deesappointment foh you who tink you catch reel peePul. We hope dis not affekk you too much.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
AT THE HOME AND GARDEN CENTER BUYING GARDEN GNOMES.
WHY GARDEN GNOMES?
BECAUSE WHENEVER I PUT PLASTIC FLAMINGOS ON THE LAWN, SOMEONE STEALS THEM...I'M HOPING THAT WHOEVER IT IS WILL AT LEAST LEAVE THESE ALONE.
We is moving up da food chain, baby!!

CAN I HELP YOU TWO?
YEAH...WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE WINE COUNTRY.
WELL...YOU FOUND IT...NOT MUCH TO IT, THOUGH, IS IT?
IT LOOKS OKAY TO ME.
YEAH, BUT
WE'VE HAD STORMS...
TOO MUCH FOGGY NIGHTS...
TOO MUCH COLD CRUDE,
AND
OH, THE TRAFFIC. WHAT ABOUT THE TRAFFIC?! THE POLLEN ? MY ALLERGIES?
GUYS GUYS GUYS...WINE COUNTRY... W-I-N-E... NO "H."
OH...
NO IDEA, MAN.
BUT IT'S PROBABLY A TERRIBLE PLACE TO VISIT !!
WHY, WAY OVERPRICED, DUDE!
GET BACK HERE! I HAVEN'T FINISHED LISTING MY HEALTH PROBLEMS !!
BUT I'M GONNA CHECK OUT THIS PLACE.
SHUT UP, MORON...I'VE READ THE MAP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I WISH I KNEW.
HOW DO YOU FIND YOURSELF TIED UP IN A GARDEN HOSE WITH A PAPER BAG OVER YOUR HEAD AND NOT KNOW WHY?
IT'S BEEN THAT KIND OF MORNING.

WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
I AM JOHN MCENIRAT. IT IS MY HOMAGE TO THE GREATEST TENNIS PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPORT... JOHN MCENROE.
SINCE WHEN DID YOU START LIKING TENNIS?
TENNIS?? WHO CARES ABOUT TENNIS??... THIS MAN WAS A PIONEER IN THE SCIENCE OF YELLING AT IDIOTS.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M GONNA SIT QUIETLY OVER THERE AND DO MY BEST PETE SAMPRAS...
YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!
I'M SORRY, BUT I SEEM TO HAVE SPITTLE IN MY SOUP AGAIN.

HEY THERE, RAT. I HEAR YOU'RE SELLING GINGERBREAD MEN. I'D LIKE TO BUY SOME.
OKAY... HANG ON... I'LL GET THE LATEST BATCH.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY, BUT GINGERBREAD MEN REALLY TAKE ME BACK TO A TIME IN MY YOUTH WHEN I USED TO GO TO THE CORNER BAKERY AND BUY THEM FRESH. IT WAS SUCH A SWEET, INNOCENT TIME... EVERYONE REALLY SEEMED TO CARE FOR EACH OTHER.
AH- HERE IT IS.
A SAD DAY FOR TIMMY...
...CAN YOU GUESS WHY TIMMY'S SAD?

GEE, ZEBRA, I LOVE THE PLASTIC FLAMINGO YOU PUT ON YOUR LAWN.
WHAT THE? I HAD TWO OUT HERE... SOMEONE MUST HAVE STOLEN ONE.
WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?
NO IDEA... THEY'RE WORTH PRACTICALLY NOTHING.
WAY TO GO LARRY! WAY TO GO!!
Me can taste already.

OKAY, PIG, I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF GRABBING YOUR 2006 CALENDAR AND PUTTING AN 'X' ON EVERY DAY THAT I'LL BE GRUMPY NEXT YEAR. THAT WAY YOU'LL KNOW WHICH DAYS TO AVOID ME.
YOU HAVE AN 'X' ON EVERY SINGLE DAY.
LOOKS LIKE IT'S GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE YEARS.