Pearls Before Swine | Search

HI..UH..I'LL HAVE..UH..ONE LARGE NONFAT NO FOAM DOUBLE CARAMEL DECAF LATTE TO GO.
I HEARD "BLAH BLAH BLAH COFFEE."
THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.
YEAH, WELL, WHEN YOUR ORDER'S LONGER THAN A LOUISA MAY ALCOTT NOVEL, I TEND TO TUNE OUT.
CAN I TALK TO YOUR MANAGER?
YOU'VE SAID QUITE ENOUGH. GOOD DAY.

HI.. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
LETS SEE. I'LL TAKE A DOUBLE DECAF NONFAT SUGAR-FREE VANILLA LATTE.
SAY "ONE REGULAR COFFEE" OR I PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD.

HEY THERE, RAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WORKING... I'M LOW ON CASH... NOW DO YOU WANT COFFEE OR NOT, YOU BIG FAT IDIOT?
OHHHH... I'M SORRY, BUT WE TEND TO DISCOURAGE CALLING OUR CUSTOMERS "BIG FAT IDIOTS"... WE PREFER MORE TRADITIONAL TERMS LIKE "SIR" OR "MA'AM."
YOU'RE REALLY CRUSHING MY MORALE.

SIR, GOOD EVENING, SIR. IF I COULD, SIR, I’D LIKE TO ADDRESS THE CURRENT R.O.E., SIR.
THE WHO?
THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, SIR… THE RULES GOVERNING WHEN I MAY FIRE MY WEAPON AT THE ENEMY, SIR.
OH. WHAT ARE THEY NOW?
WELL, SIR, TO QUOTE YOU, “YOU’RE A CRAZY LITTLE DUCK AND YOU MAY NEVER EVER EVER FIRE YOUR WEAPON AT ANYTHING EVER.”
OH, RIGHT.
WELL, IF I COULD, SIR. I’D LIKE TO PROPOSE A MINOR MODIFICATION.
OH. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE IT TO?
“SHOOT LIKE THE DICKENS.”
SIR, LOCKING ME IN THE CLOTHES HAMPER VIOLATES GENEVA, SIR.

HELLOOOO, CROCODILE NEIGHBOR. LISTEN...
SINCE YOU'VE SPENT A LIFETIME TRYING TO EAT US, A FEW OF US THOUGHT IT'D BE A GOOD TIME TO TRY EATING YOU... HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
HE'S CRYING.
NO, ME NOT.
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GET A TISSUE?

WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR FACE
A TATTOO.. ON MY WAY TO THE GROCERY STORE, I STOPPED BY THE TATTOO PLACE AND GAVE THE GUY A LITTLE DRAWING OF A BUTTERFLY TO TATTOO ON MY FACE.
I JUST SEE WORDS.
WORDS? WHAT WORDS?
"GALLON OF MILK... 3 LOWFAT YOGURT... I CAN ENCHILADA SAUCE."
NEVER GIVE THE TATTOO GUY YOUR GROCERY LIST.

SIR, AT APPROXIMATELY 0900, AN ENEMY COMBATANT DRIVING A SMALL JEEP ATTEMPTED TO PLANT A SUSPICIOUS DEVICE ON YOUR PORCH. I WAS FORCED TO LIGHT UP HIS VEHICLE WITH A ROCKET-PROPELLED GRENADE.
... THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THE THREAT HAS BEEN NEUTRALIZED.
THE BAD NEWS IS THAT THAT WAS OUR MAILMAN.
LET'S TRY TO STAY FOCUSED ON THE POSITIVE.

OKAY, PIG...WE'VE BEEN MOVING PAPER FROM THIS STACK TO THIS STACK FOR TWO DAYS AND HAVE OBVIOUSLY PROVEN OURSELVES INDISPENSABLE TO THIS COMPANY. IT'S TIME TO LEVERAGE THAT VALUE INTO SOMETHING MORE...OH, MR. HENRY?
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M THE REASON THIS PLACE EXISTS, YOU BIG, FAT NOTHING...NOW PAY ME WHAT I'M WORTH OR I FIREBOMB THE MEN'S ROOM.
PERHAPS WE OVERPLAYED OUR CARDS.

WHO ARE YOU TWO?
WE’RE THE NEW GUYS.
TODAY’S OUR FIRST DAY.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
WE MOVE THE PAPER FROM THIS STACK
…TO THIS STACK.
I DON’T SUPPOSE YOU HAVE A REASON.
WE TRY NOT TO OVERTHINK IT.
PLEASE, PEOPLE, PLEASE, LET THE PIG FOCUS!

CAN I HELP YOU TWO?
YES... WE'RE TWO HIGHLY QUALIFIED, QUICK LEARNERS WHO ARE PRESENTLY IN NEED OF GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT.
WELL, I HAVE A COUPLE OF OPENINGS, BUT YOU JUST SIT AT A DESK AND MOVE PAPER FROM ONE STACK TO THE OTHER.
WHOA WHOA WHOA... SAY IT S-L-O-O-O-O-W-L-Y.

DID YOU KNOW THAT WHILE THE AVERAGE MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYER MAKES MORE THAN $3,000,000 A YEAR, THE AVERAGE STARTING TEACHER'S SALARY IS $29,000?
THAT MEANS A BASEBALL PLAYER MAKES IN TWO GAMES WHAT IT TAKES THAT TEACHER AN ENTIRE YEAR TO EARN.
HOW 'BOUT WE ALL AGREE ONE DAY A YEAR WHERE WE TAKE THE MONEY WE WOULD HAVE SPENT AT A GAME AND GIVE IT TO OUR KID'S TEACHER?
DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A BETTER USE OF ABOUT $150?
YO, COMRADE..THAT'S CALLED COMMUNISM AND WE DEFEATED IT IN THE WAR OF... UH... 1812.
YES. IT WAS QUITE COLD DURING THE WAR OF 1812.
WHOA. WE'RE MISSING BASEBALL.

CAN I HELP YOU TWO?
YES... WE'RE BROKE... WE NEED A JOB.
WELL, I ONLY HAVE A COUPLE OPENINGS... THEY'RE DESK JOBS.
OH... I'M NOT QUALIFIED.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
I'VE NEVER BUILT A DESK IN MY LIFE.
NEXT TIME, I DO THE TALKING.

WHAT'S WITH THE GLASSES AND BOW TIE?
THEY'RE PHASE ONE OF MY TWO PART PLAN TO LOOK SMART.
WHAT'S THE SECOND PHASE?
I SAY, WHAT'S THE SECOND PHASE?
TO STOP TALKING.

LISTEN, NEWT... RAT'S REAL TIRED OF YOU TALKING ALL THE TIME, SO WE'RE GONNA PUT YOU IN THE BACKYARD FOR AWHILE.
GOOD... I'M TIRED OF BEING STUCK IN THAT CAGE.
... EES LIKE McNUGGET, BUT NO AS TASTY.

OUR PRIORITY HAS TO BE CUTTING GOVERNMENT, NOT TO MENTION HEALTH CARE REFORM. THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT. NOW, IF I WERE PRESIDENT…
WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP? I'M TRYING TO WATCH T.V. AND BESIDES, YOU CAN'T BE PRESIDENT. EVERYONE KNOWS MCLAIN IS A LOCK FOR 2008… HE'D HAVE TO GET CAUGHT WITH AN EXOTIC DANCER IN A MOTEL ROOM TO LOSE THAT.
Dear John,
Have I found the girl for you.

HAHAHAHA
I LOVE THIS MUTTS COMIC.
THIS PATRICK MCDONNELL IS A GENIUS.
YEAH. AND I LIKE HOW HE PROMOTES ANIMAL CAUSES, LIKE SPAYING AND NEUTERING YOUR PETS.
IS THAT IMPORTANT?
YOU BET IT'S IMPORTANT.
BAD NEWS.

LOOK, RAT... I BOUGHT A NEWT.
OH, I LOVE THOSE LITTLE SALAMANDER DUDES. WHAT KIND IS IT?
I'M NOT SURE... HE'S HIDING BEHIND THAT ROCK. TAP ON THE GLASS AND SEE IF YOU CAN GET HIM TO COME OUT.
TAP TAP TAP TAP
CUT GOVERNMENT SPENDING NOW.
DUUUDE, YOU GOT A GINGRICH.
CROSS-BRED FROM THE FORMER SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE AND PSYCHOS, YOUR NEWT SHOULD BRING YOU HOURS OF ENJOYMENT.

Duuude...Check it out...I got a job writing a syndicated political column.
Do you know how to write a political column?
Yep. Have a look.
People in power are
idiots.
Idiots.
Idiots.
Idiots.
Idiots.
Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Idiots.
It’s easier than it looks.

Dear Pa,
Life in the service is hard. Long days. Life in danger. Never knowing what will happen next.
Then there's that G#%&*@ enemy... Never fighting in the open. Stupid cowards. I'd like to line 'em all up and shoot every last one of...
I'M SORRY.
BUT YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT SHOOTING THE ALBERT'S GARAGE WITH A ROCKET-LAUNCHER IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Then there's the brass. Always busting my G#%$.

Hulloooo, zeeba neighba. Leesten. Dis is Willie. We keel heem as serten vices to yo. Now mebbe you sacrefice Zeeba to us.
No.
Dis big waste of Willie.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, PIG?
LOVE BIRDS.
G' EVENING, BOB.
TO GRASS WITH YOU, ALICE.
THEY WERE ON SALE.

HI. I GOT A SPECIAL DELIVERY.
FLOWERS? WOW, NO ONE EVER SENDS ME FLOWERS! THAT'S GREAT... LET ME SEE THE CARD.
Peese die.
Is dere no pleasing dat guy?

I NOTICED THAT YOUR BLOG ENTRY YESTERDAY WAS ONCE AGAIN FOLLOWED BY ZERO COMMENTS. THIS OBVIOUSLY MEANS THAT NO ONE IS READING IT... DOES THAT BOTHER YOU ?
GO AWAY.
I WAS THINKING, MAYBE YOU COULD JUST SHOVE YOUR WRITING UNDER THIS BOX. THAT WAY, JUST AS MANY PEOPLE WOULD READ IT, BUT YOU'D SAVE A FORTUNE ON INTERNET CONNECTION FEES.
PERHAPS SAVING MONEY IS NOT A PRIORITY FOR YOU.

SIR. GOOD EVENING, SIR.
CAN THIS WAIT 'TIL "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" IS OVER?
SIR, IF YOU LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW, YOU'LL SEE THAT THE CIVILIAN ACROSS THE STREET HAS PAINTED HIS HOUSE A PARTICULARLY HEINOUS SHADE OF ORANGE... PERMISSION TO HANDLE THE SITUATION, SIR.
WELL, SURE, I GUESS YOU CAN WORK IT OUT, BUT PEACEFULLY OF COURSE.
PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY, SIR.

WHY BOB UNDER WATER?
SHHH. EES PART OF TOP SECRET PLAN. HAVE LOOK.
TOP SECRIT PLANN
STEP 1: BOB LAY AT BOTTOM OF POOL.
STEP 2: ZEEBA COME OVER FOR POOL PARTY.
STEP 3: BOB KEEL ZEEBA.
DAT SOUND LIKE GUD PLAN. HOW LONG BOB BEEN AT BOTTOM?
SEENCE TUESDAY.
TOP SECRIT PLANN
STEP 1:
GATOR
SWEEMING LESSONS.