Pearls Before Swine | Search

HI..WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I'D LIKE A REALLY LARGE COFFEE..SO..UH..GIVE ME THE "TALL".
THAT'S SMALL.
"TALL" IS SMALL?
TALL IS SMALL.
SO WHAT'S "GRANDE"?
"GRANDE" MEANS "LARGE".
THEN GIVE ME "GRANDE".
BUT HERE IT MEANS "MEDIUM"!
WHAT THE? DUDE, ALL I WANT IS A LARGE COFFEE!
THEN ORDER "VENTI"!
SO "VENTI" MEANS "LARGE"?
NO, "VENTI" MEANS "TWENTY", AS IN I JUST SPENT TWENTY MINUTES TRYING TO UNDERSTAND A %$#@#$ MENU!
AAUUGHHH
I THINK I'M REALLY STARTING TO ENJOY THIS JOB.

SIR, EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH THE ZEBRAS, BUT WHERE DO YOU STAND ON OTHER ISSUES?
FOR EXAMPLE, WHAT WOULD YOU DO ABOUT ILLEGAL ALIENS?
Eat da slow ones.
I'M SENSING A PATTERN.
Heeeyy... Meester fat reporter... You looking niiiiiiice...

BAD NEWS... YOUR RUN FOR MAYOR IS NO LONGER UNOPPOSED.
WHAT?! WHO'S RUNNING AGAINST ME?!... WHAT'S HIS PLATFORM?!
Keeltings.

SIR. WE UNDERSTAND YOU'RE CENTERING YOUR CAMPAIGN ON THE THREAT POSED BY RAINBOWS. BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW RAINBOWS ARE DEADLY?
FOR THAT, I'LL TURN TO MY DIRECTOR OF INTELLIGENCE, PIG, WHO HAS INCONTROVERTIBLE PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF.
AHHH
HAHA HAA
I'M CONVINCED.
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
LET'S HIT THE BAR, BOYS.
THANKS FOR COMING!

I AM GOING TO RUN FOR MAYOR.
MY CAMPAIGN WILL CENTER AROUND FEAR.
FEAR OF WHAT?
RAINBOWS.
DEADLY RAINBOWS.
BUT RAINBOWS AREN'T DEADLY.
I SEE YOU'RE SOFT ON RAINBOWS.

TRICK OR TREAT!
LOOK, HONEY, A CUTE LITTLE DONKEY! GIVE HIM SOME CANDY!
WHAT KIND WOULD YOU LIKE, LIL' GUY?
BOOZE. SO I CAN FORGET MY TROUBLES.
LET'S TURN OFF THE PORCH LIGHT NOW, SWEETIE.
HERE. JUST POUR IT IN THE PUMPKIN.

I HEAR YOUR DUCK WAS AGAINST GIVING OUT CANDY TO TRICK-OR-TREATERS.
YES. HE CALLS IT "APPEASEMENT," BUT HE CALMED DOWN WHEN I TOLD HIM HE COULD GO TRICK-OR-TREATING HIMSELF.
YOU'RE LETTING HIM TRICK-OR-TREAT?
OH, SURE, BUT I MADE HIM PROMISE HE'D BE POLITE AND RESPECTFUL.
FORK IT OVER, BIG DADDY!!

TRICK OR TREAT!!
Hulllooo, keeds.
Hahahaha... Dat gud deegusie.
Here you goes.
SPLORT
EWWWW
GROSS.
SICK.
WHAT IS THAT?
Antylope brain. Me got extra.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHH
Spoiled keeds.
Nexy year we turn off porch light.

SIR, GOOD EVENING, SIR... SIR, A SECOND SOURCE HAS CONFIRMED THAT YOUR NEIGHBORS ARE PLANNING AN INVASION OF OUR PERIMETER. THEY SHALL BE DISGUISED.
IT'S CALLED "HALLOWEEN," LITTLE DUCK, AND I'M GONNA GIVE THEM ALL THE CANDY THEY WANT.
IT'S CALLED "APPEASEMENT," SIR, AND ALL MILITARY HISTORY COUNSELS AGAINST IT. ASK NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN.
THE NICE MAN WHO SCORED ALL THOSE BASKETS?
THAT'S WILT, SIR. BUT YOU'RE CLOSE.

SIR, A CONFIDENTIAL SOURCE INFORMS ME THAT YOUR NEIGHBORS ARE PLANNING TO THREATEN YOU.
IS THAT SO?
YES, THE PLAN IS TO EXTORT CONCESSIONS. TO TAKE WHAT IS NOT THEIRS. THEY’VE EVEN GIVEN IT A CODE NAME…
“HALLOWEEN.”
I ADMIRE YOUR COOLNESS UNDER FIRE, SIR.

HI... WHAT CAN I GET YOU TWO?
Geeve me steak... RARE... Me love blood... Me a true predator! HAHAHAHAHA...
AND I'LL HAVE A SMALL SALAD AND YOUR VEGGIE BUR-
LALALALALALALALALALALALA LAAAAA LALALA LALALALALA LALALA
REAL MATURE, DAD.
Dad? Dad? Who is 'dad' you speak of??

HOOOOOW MANY TIMES
MUST A DOLLAR BE TAXED
BEFOOOORE I CAN CALL IT
MY OWN...
YES, HOOOOOW MANY BUUCKS
MUST THAT UH-UH-UNCLE SAM TAKE
BEFOOOOOORE I LOOOOSE
MY SUMMER HOME
I CALL IT "MY CAPITAL
GAINS ARE BLOWIN' AWAY
IN THE WIND."
IT'S JUST
SO SAD.
SNIFF
SNIFF
SNIFF

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, RAT?
I'M BLIND BOBBY Z, FOLK SINGER FOR THE RICH AND UPTRODDEN... CHECK OUT MY PROTEST SONG.
HOOOOOW MANY ROADS MUST MY LEX'S GO DOWN BEFOOOOOORE THE WHAAAARRANTIY ENDS... YES'N, HOOOOOW MANY GAINS MUST MY STOCKBROKER MAKE BEFOOOORE I CALL HIM MY FRIEND...
GETS YOU RIGHT HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'’M BLIND JIMMY WINTHROPE, BLUES SINGER FOR THE RICH.
THE BLUES ARE FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE DOWN AND OUT, PEOPLE WHO’VE LOST THEIR HOMES, THEIR JOBS, EVERYTHING THEY HAVE...
IT CAN BE PRETTY TOUGH WHEN NORDSTROM’S CLOSES EARLY.

Ohhkay, zeeba neighba.
No more game, we crocs
fly TV supersoonal jet...
...so geeve up or
face consequences.
Show me
dee plane.
Uh...
Ees
backyard.
I CAN
SEE YOUR
BACKYARD,
ZEEBA.
NO
PLANE
THERE.
Ees
behind
bush.
Yeah... those
planes are
probably
about twenty
feet high. I
don't think so.
Ohhkay. Fine.
you want truth,
Lying purple
guy? ...Plane
inaccessible.
Ohhh... well...
I hadn't
considered
that. So
you can't
see it
either?
No
we
can.
So even if you
wanted
to fly it, you couldn't
because you wouldn't
be able to find it?
Bingo!! We
no can
fly nutheeng!
Me was debater een
high school.

Achoo.
Oh no... Ees mold, asbestos and toxeeec waste from nexx door affecteeng you allergies AGAIN?
Oh. No mind us.

I HEAR YOU'RE TRYING TO SELL YOUR HOUSE.
YEAH, BUT THE CROCS DON'T WANT ME TO. THEY WANT ME CLOSE WHERE THEY CAN KILL ME.
WHAT SAY DO THEY HAVE AS TO WHETHER YOU SELL YOUR HOUSE ?
Booitful place.
Yeah, nutheeng exorcceesm can't cure.
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.

PSST! PIG. IT'S ME, YOUR DUCK. MY CASTRO DISGUISE FAILED, SO I HAD TO HIDE INSIDE THIS "BOB'S BURGER BOY" STATUE.
LISTEN. YOU NEED TO STOP RUNNING AROUND OUR NEIGHBORHOOD BLOWING UP PEOPLE'S MINIVANS... DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?
GET SOME HELP, SON.

OH, LITTLE GUARD DUCK. YOU'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE. YOU BLEW UP OUR NEIGHBORS' MINIVAN AND NOW THE POLICE ARE LOOKING FOR YOU.
I AM FIDEL CASTRO... I AM NOT THE DUCK.
BUT FIDEL CASTRO SPEAKS SPANISH.
ME NO IS EL DUCKO.

PIG, THIS IS NEIGHBOR BOB. THAT STUPID DUCK OF YOURS HAS DONE IT THIS TIME.. HE BLEW UP MY WIFE'S MINIVAN.
OH NO.
OH YES.. AND THE POLICE GOT A TIP THAT HE'S IN DISGUISE AND PLANNING TO FLEE TO CUBA.. SO IF YOU HEAR ANYTHING, LET US KNOW.
I WILL, NEIGHBOR BOB. I WILL...
HOLA.

HOW WAS YOUR DATE WITH PIGITA LAST NIGHT?
A GIANT HATES ME.
...HANG ON...
HOW COME THAT STUFF NEVER HAPPENS TO "MARY WORTH"?

THE
ADVENTURES
OF
ANGRY BOB
by Rat
ANGRY BOB (with bullhorn):
"OK, girls! Girls!" he shouted
as he approached them from
the dormitory. One girl
slapped one of them on
the bottom.
And heard a man scream.
And heard two
loud pops.
Falling, Bob saw the sign:
*HELP AN ARMED, DEAF,
EASILY-SATIRIZED,
CROSS-DRESSING
MIDGET GO TO
SUMMER CAMP*
NEVER ASSUME.

WHO'S THAT GUY?
THAT'S ANGRY-CLIFF, THE MAN-SHEEP.
THE MAN-SHEEP?
YES, HALF-MAN, HALF-SHEEP. THE MAN PART HAS FREEDOM OF WILL, BUT THE SHEEP PART JUST FOLLOWS THE HERD. THIS CREATES INTERNAL CONFLICT...THUS, THE ANGER.
...DOES THIS STRIP REALLY APPEAR ON THE SAME PAGE AS "HI AND LOIS"?
YES. BUT WE HAVE TO KEEP A CERTAIN DISTANCE.

MR. PRESIDENT, THE WAR
IN IRAQ HAS FORCED US
TO MAKE SACRIFICES AT
HOME. FOR ONE THING,
OUR AIRSPACE STILL
NEEDS TO BE SAFER.
HOW
DO
YOU
FIGURE?
CALL
SOMEONE.

NOW, ZEBRA, IF WE'RE GOING TO SELL YOUR HOUSE, WE NEED TO PRESENT IT IN THE BEST POSSIBLE LIGHT.
BUT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE IDIOT CROCS. THEY'RE RIGHT NEXT DOOR.
I UNDERSTAND... BUT THAT MEANS WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO OUR VERY BEST TO MAKE SURE THAT AT LEAST EVERYTHING ELSE APPEARS NORMAL.
BAD TIME?