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I'M LEAVING YOU, PIG.

WHY?

YOU'RE A WIMP. I WANT A BOYFRIEND WHO'S THE TOUGH, OUTDOORSY TYPE. I WANT A MANLY MAN.

BUT THAT'S ME.

PROVE IT.

Dear Maura,
It is Valentine’s Day.
And I miss you.
From now on, I will only become attached to things that cannot migrate.
*Squeeze*
I just hugged my beer can.

I GOT A BOX OF CANDY HEARTS FROM A SECRET ADMIRER... YOU KNOW, THE ONES WITH WORDS PRINTED ON THEM?
OH, THAT'S SO ROMANTIC. READ ME ONE.
"Be my fud."
Someone no like his seecret mireer.
Dat guy break my heart.

WHERE YOU GOING WITH THOSE ROLLS OF QUARTERS?
SUPERMARKET. I HAVE TO DO OUR WEEKLY SHOPPING.
WHY DO YOU NEED TO PAY WITH CHANGE? THERE'S A TWENTY SITTING ON THE KITCHEN TABLE.
NO REASON.

HEY. LISTEN TO THIS RIDDLE I JUST READ.
OHH, GOODIE. I’M GREAT AT RIDDLES.
A MAN HAS A FOX, A CHICKEN, AND SOME CORN. HE HAS TO TAKE THEM ALL ACROSS A RIVER. HE CAN ONLY TAKE ONE OF THE ITEMS AT A TIME IN HIS BOAT.
HOWEVER, IF HE LEAVES THE FOX ALONE WITH THE CHICKEN, THE FOX WILL EAT THE CHICKEN. IF HE LEAVES THE CHICKEN ALONE WITH THE CORN, THE CHICKEN WILL EAT THE CORN.
WHAT SHOULD HE DO?
BUY A BIGGER BOAT.
IT’S NOT THAT HARD IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

DAD, DO YOU EVER THINK THAT THE KILLING OF ANOTHER LIVING THING IS IMMORAL ... THAT MAYBE THE DESTRUCTION OF A ZEBRA, EVEN FOR SUSTENANCE, IS A SIN ?
Leesten, son...You juss reemembah one ting.
Every time a zeeba die, an angel get his wings.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S HOW IT GOES, DAD.
Ees a wunnerful life, son.

ISN'T IT ODD THAT WE ALL HAVE TO ACT LIKE WE LIVE NORMAL LIVES WHEN IN TRUTH WE ALL KNOW THAT ONE DAY HUMANITY WILL MOST LIKELY BLOW ITSELF UP? I MEAN, AREN'T WE ALL JUST WHISTLING PAST THE GRAVEYARD?
NOT ME.
WHY NOT YOU?
I CAN'T WHISTLE.
... MAYBE YOUR PESSIMISM'S NOT SUCH A BAD THING.
AND IF I COULD WHISTLE, I SURE WOULDN'T WASTE IT ON ENTERTAINING THE DEAD. THEY, LIKE, ALMOST NEVER APPLAUD.

THIS PAINTING REALLY SPEAKS TO ME.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE HE'S A SAD, LONELY FOOL AND I PITY HIM.
AND YOU SHOULD HEAR THE FRAME.

HALLMARK™ HEADQUARTERS: ANNIVERSARY CARD WRITING DIVISION
ALRIGHT, PEOPLE. WE WANT TO AVOID TRITE SUPERFICIALITY WITH THESE CARDS... GIVE US SOMETHING HEARTFELT... SOMETHING HONEST...
Happy anniversery. You big fat pain in butt.
TOO MUCH.

WELL, GUYS, I GOTTA GO… WHAT DO WE OWE?
WELL, LET'S SEE…YOU OWE…UH…WELL, I OWE…
AWWW, HECK…I'M NO GOOD AT MATH…LET'S JUST SPLIT IT THREE WAYS.
I HAD COFFEE.
YOU HAD LOBSTER.
SOMETIMES IT PAYS TO BE NO GOOD AT MATH.

DID YOU HEAR ONE OF THE CROCS MOVED TO KANSAS CITY?
KANSAS CITY? WHY KANSAS CITY?
HE GOT A JOB WRITING SYMPATHY CARDS FOR HAU-MARK.
WHAT'S A PREDATOR KNOW ABOUT COMFORTING SOMEONE WHO'S JUST LOST A FAMILY MEMBER?
NOW DERE MORE FOOD FOR DA REST OF YOU.
Dat very comforteeng.

It was love. White hot and fierce.
Betty sat alone by the wind-swept airfield.
She was sad.
She was lonely.
She came here to dream.
To watch the planes land.
To imagine the distant lovers reunited by these giant graceful birds of steel.
A stranger approached.
"I am Bob," he said.
He was tall and tan with muscular arms.
Their eyes met. They kissed. They kissed.
A dirigible floated just overhead.
"That is a lie for you," Bob said.
"Large, steady, and true."
Betty kissed Bob.
Bob kissed Betty.
And the Hindenburg exploded.
PLEASE STOP WRITING ROMANCE NOVELS.
"This really kills the mood," Hindenburg said.

GREETINGS, MY SON... WELCOME TO "RAT'S ENLIGHTEMENT CENTER FOR THE LIFTING OF SPIRITS"...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, RAT?
YOU GIVE ME A HUNDRED DOLLARS. I TAKE YOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS. SPIRITS ARE LIFTED.
WHOSE SPIRITS ARE LIFTED?
YOU MAY NOT BE READY FOR ENLIGHTENMENT.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, PIG?
CEREAL.
'DUMPIES'?
IT'S FOR FAT GUYS LIKE ME WHO STINK AT SPORTS AND DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT.
IT'S THE 'BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.'

OKAAAY, ZEEBA NEIGHBA... YOU BAD NEIGHBA... LEESTEN TO LEEST OF GREVIANCE...
"ZEEBA'S STOOPID FEEG TREE DROP FEEG ON CROC DRIVEWAY..."
MY FIG TREE?? YOU WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY FIG TREE?? OKAY, I'VE GOT A GRIEVANCE. MY NEIGHBORS TRY TO KILL ME SO THEY CAN EAT MY HEAD!
WE REALLY REALLY NO LIKE FEEG TREE.

WHY DO YOU HAVE A SPAGHETTI STRAINER ON YOUR HEAD?
BECAUSE MY BASEBALL CAP IS DIRTY.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR CAP?
IT'S FILLED WITH PASTA.
MARTHA STEWART I AM NOT.

JACK PITT, AKA "THE PITTSER," REIGNING HUNK O' HOLLYWOOD, IS BESIEGED BY AUTOGRAPH HOUNDS.
OH, THAT I COULD ONCE MORE BE ANONYMOUS, HE LAMENTS. BUT NO, EVEN A NORMAL LUNCH IS NOW AN IMPOSSIBILITY...
SIGN THE @#!@#$ BILL OR I'M CALLING THE COPS.
PLEASE, RESPECT MY PRIVACY.

JACK PITT, AKA “THE PITTSTER,” REIGNING HUNK O’ HOLLYWOOD, STANDS BEFORE A LINE OF ADORING FANS... HE IS UNCOMFORTABLE.
HE WANTS TO BE LEFT ALONE. BUT NO, IT CANNOT BE. HE IS TOO BIG... TOO FAMOUS. HE STANDS MOTIONLESS, PARALYZED BY THE GROWING CROWD.
YOU GONNA WAIT ON THESE CUSTOMERS OR NOT?!
THE CROWD GROWS HOSTILE.

HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE NOW ADDING BIG FRONT PORCHES TO THEIR HOUSES ?
WHAT FOR ?
I DUNNO...I GUESS IT ENCOURAGES NEIGHBORS TO COME UP AND CHAT...
YEAH...A BUNCH OF OUR NEIGHBORS ARE ADDING THEM...OUR BLOCK’S LIKE ONE BIG SOCIAL GATHERING...!
ISN’T IT FUNNY THAT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF BUILDING LARGER AND LARGER HOUSES TO HIDE FROM ONE ANOTHER, EVERYONE NOW DISCOVERS THEY MISS OTHER PEOPLE ?
WELL...NOT EVERYONE.
MORNING’, RAT.
KEEP IT MOVING, BOB.

PLEASE, SIR, JUST
GO AWAY…
I’M NOT
SELLING
YOU A GUN.
FINE. I WILL CEASE MY EFFORTS TO PROCURE A GUN… BUT KNOW THIS, HAND JANE.
WHEN THE RUSSIANS COME POURING OVER OUR NORTHERN BORDER BRINGING THE LATEST IN MILITARY HARDWARE,
DON’T COME CRYIN’ TO ME, 'CAUSE I WILL NOT BE THERE TO DEFEND YOUR HAPPY, LITTLE LIBERAL WAY OF LIFE.
THOSE ARE
CANADIANS… AND MOST LIKELY, THEY’D
BRING BEER.
HEY… THOSE
BIG “MOLSON”
CANS CAN HURT!

DO YOU, GEORGE, TAKE THIS WOMAN, GLADYS, TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, FROM THIS DAY FORTH...
...IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, 'TIL GLADYS MATES WITH YOU AND BITES OFF YOUR HEAD?
I do.
PRAYING MANTIS WEDDINGS ARE SO UNROMANTIC.

LARRY, WILL YOU PLEASE SAY SOMETHING TO YOUR SON ? HE'S PLAYING WITH HIS FOOD AGAIN
Stop dat, Junior.
Stoopid keed.

HullooOo, leetle guard duck...Hey, We hear you got probmums.
Ohhhh, me dunno... like mebbe you girlfriend, she.....FLY AWAY!!
HAHAHAA Dat Frank is da greatest!!
But he make nice pair of boots, too.
Frank! Frank! Say someting!

MY GIRL LEFT ME.
HEY, SORRY TO HEAR THAT, PAL. THAT HAPPENED TO ME A COUPLE MONTHS BACK.. WHAT WAS IT... ANOTHER GUY?
WINTER.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW A GIRL.

PIG'S GOING BACK TO SCHOOL.
DOES HE WANT TO GET HIS COLLEGE DEGREE?
I THINK THAT'S A WAYS OFF.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
JIMMY'S NOT KEEPING HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF.