Pearls Before Swine | Search

And so, da witch invited Hansel and Gretel into her candy-covered house. I will eat dem both, she muttered.
But juss as she grabbed for da keeds, dey shoved her into da oven and ran away.
Sniffle
Sniffle
Whimper
Sniffle
IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A TRAGEDY, DAD.
But me HATE doze killer keeds.

WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING?
A CUTE LITTLE HOUSE... WHAT DO YOU THINK?
BOOOOOOOO
I'M GETTING TIRED OF CONNIE THE JUDGMENTAL COW.

WHO'S THAT STANDING BEHIND US?
THAT'S CONNIE, THE JUDGMENTAL COW. SHE WATCHES YOU FROM A DISTANCE AND JUDGES EVERYTHING YOU DO.
GET USED TO IT, FATTY.
I DON'T THINK I LIKE HER.

It was Betty's tenth wedding anniversary.
And she wanted to do something special.
So she and George rented a place by the sea.
They sat on the deck.
They listened to the ocean.
They took long walks on the beach.
And when it was over, she turned to George and looked into his eyes.
"We should do now, George," she said...
"... before Bob starts wondering where I am on our anniversary."
"Arf arf," replied George, wagging his tail.
YOU NEED TO STOP WRITING ROMANCE NOVELS.
Sometimes I think you love that dog more than me," said Bob.
"Oh shut up," said Betty.

LOOKS LIKE THE LIONS TOOK MY COUSIN JOE FROM THE BACK OF THE HERD LAST WEEK AND ATE HIM.
WHY DO ZEBRAS HANG OUT IN HERDS IF ALL THEY DO WHEN LIONS ATTACK IS STAND AROUND AND STARE AT THE GUY BEING DRAGGED OFF?
OHHH... WE DO A LOT MORE THAN THAT.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
WE WAVE GOODBYE.

WHY DOES THE ANONYMITY OF THE INTERNET BRING OUT THE WORST IN PEOPLE?
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, I KEEP THIS BLOG AND EVERY DAY THIS IDIOT POSTS COMMENTS RIPPING INTO MY WRITING...
SO TODAY I POSTED THIS BASIC, FUNDAMENTAL QUESTION TO HIM:
"WHY BOTHER READING SOMETHING YOU HATE?"
Oh. So profound.

Zeeba neighba? Dat you?
WHAT THE? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HOUSE??
We go Home Depot.
Spend savings on breek and ceement.
Cover you doors and weendows.
Now you trapped.
Now we keel you.
AND HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET IN?
Dis not proudest moment.

WELL, I GUESS THIS IS GOODNIGHT.
I GUESS IT IS.
ERRRT ERRRT ERRRRT
AWKWARD MOMENT ALERT!!!
ADMITTEDLY, THE MEGAPHONE WAS OVERKILL.

GOAT GOES ON A DATE.
SO...UH... WE'VE HAD A LOT OF RAIN LATELY, HUH?
YEAH.
YOU HAVE NICE HAIR.
THANKS.
DID YOU KNOW THAT THE WORD 'ZIP' IN 'ZIP CODE' STANDS FOR 'ZONING IMPROVEMENT PLAN'?
IT'S REALLY A WONDER YOU DON'T GET MORE DATES.

HEY GOAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M ON A DATE. DO YOU MIND?
WHOA...WELL, AT LEAST I WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BEING CAST INTO THE FLAMES OF HELL WHEN I DIE.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE HELL HATH FROZEN OVER.
PLEASE LEAVE.

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
WHAT IS IT?
EVERY TIME YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE, I GO INTO YOUR PUZZLE CABINET AND STEAL A PUZZLE PIECE.
YOU WHAT?
I'M A PUZZLE PILFERER. THERE ARE MILLIONS OF US.
SO EVERY TIME I MAKE A PUZZLE AND FIND ONE PIECE MISSING.....
IT'S NO COINCIDENCE. BUT LUCKY FOR YOU, I'VE DECIDED TO GIVE 'EM BACK.
...STILL FRIENDS?
YOU BET...I'M JUST HAPPY YOU DECIDED TO GIVE 'EM BACK.
PEOPLE CAN CHANGE.

AND THEN WHEN HE GOT SHOT LIKE THAT, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT... I STILL CAN'T GET OVER IT...
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
THAT 'SOPRANOS' ENDING- HOW THE GUY IN THE 'MEMBERS ONLY' JACKET SHOT TONY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? MY SCREEN JUST WENT BLACK.
BLACK? ... WOW... SOUNDS LIKE A PROBLEM WITH YOUR CABLE... YOU SHOULD CALL SOMEONE...
AAAAAAAAAA
WE'LL PAY FOR THIS.
YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.

HELLO, STEPHAN PASTIS, CREATOR OF "PEARLS".
YOU MIND MOVING THE DRINK? WATER CAN RUIN MY DRAWINGS.
IT'S NOT WATER. IT'S BEER.
SAME THING.
POURR
I REALLY SHOULD TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.

YOU KNOW, I HOPE YOUR MAKING MONEY FROM THIS TABLOID DOESN'T TURN YOU INTO ONE OF THOSE RICH JERKS WHO'S GOTTA HIRE PEOPLE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR THEM.
NO... I MAY BUY CARS AND STUFF BUT HIRING PEOPLE JUST ISN'T MY... AHHHHHHCHOOOO
WIPE MY NOSE, PIG.
REGULAR OR EXTRA SOFT?

YOU KNOW, I KNOW YOUR WIFE DOES YOUR HUNTING FOR YOU, BUT COULD YOU HUNT IF YOU HAD TO?
Oh yeah... But that's not a big deal... All it takes is a willingness to kill and a minimum level of competence.
Me hate you lots.

HEY THERE, RAT... DID YOU SEE MY NEW STEREO?
WHAT KIND IS IT?
HEEEEY, LITTLE COFFEE MUG... DOING ANYTHING FRIDAY? THE WIFE'S OUT OF TOWN AND--
YOUR WIFE'S RIGHT HERE, CLARENCE!
HIGH INFIDELITY.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
I'M MAKING ALL THIS
MONEY PUBLISHING A
TABLOID, BUT I'M
STILL NOT
HAPPY.
AH... AND WHAT LESSON
DOES THAT TEACH YOU?
THAT I MUST NOT BE
MAKING ENOUGH MONEY.
WRONG
LESSON.
WELL, I'M
OFF TO
RUIN SOME
MORE
LIVES.

WHAT ARE
YOU DOING,
GUARD DUCK?
I AM WAITING FOR MY
GIRLFRIEND MAURA TO
RETURN. SHE'S THE DUCK
WHO FLEW SOUTH LAST
WINTER AND BROKE MY
HEART, SIR.
AND YOUR DAYS OF HAVING
A BROKEN HEART WILL
BE FOREVER GONE!!!
WHY DON'T YOU
GO AND TRY TO
FIND HER?
BECAUSE I CANNOT FLY,
SIR. I HAVE TOLD YOU
THAT, SIR. I AM A
BROKEN DUCK, SIR.
THEN I WILL HELP YOU FLY,
LITTLE GUARD DUCK. AND YOU WILL
FIND HER. AND YOU WILL HAVE
TRUE LOVE.
I'M A BIRD,
NOT A
JAVELIN,
SIR.
HOW ABOUT WE
JUST HAVE
SOME CHOCOLATE
AND A GOOD CRY?

WHOA!... WHERE ARE YOU GOING, RAT?
I'M RUNNING AWAY FROM LIFE AND ALL MY PROBLEMS.
WOOHOOHOOOoooooooooo
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT EASY.

HEY, BEETLE BAILEY.
HOW GOES IT?
HEY, PIG. HANG ON A SEC. I GOTTA SAY A COUPLE THINGS TO ZERO. HE'S BEING SENT HOME FOR
A WHILE.
IT'S OKAY. I GOTTA BE TAKING OFF ANYHOW.
OKAY. BUT LISTEN... YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
YOU TOO.
*CLICK*
NATIONAL ENQUIRART REVEALING PHOTOS!
DON'T ASK DON'T TELL?
SARGE: "I'M NOT PLEASED!"

Hola, Señor Zeebo... Me is dangerouso. Me can snappo necko. You geev uppa.
Ack.
You know... THAT WRESTLING IS AN ACT, LIKE A MAGIC SHOW OR A PLAY... THEY DON'T ACTUALLY HURT EACH OTHER.
SNAP
Ta-daaaaaa.

Hold me.
Make my problems go away.
YOU DUMB PIG... PROBLEMS DON'T GO AWAY JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HUGS YOU... PROBLEMS NEVER GO AWAY.
Hold me.
Make my problems go away.
Hold me
anyways.

Okay, zeeba neighba...We tired of you games. We buy Spaneesh phrase book. Give unself fierce Spaneesh name..."Donde Esta El Queso De Mi Padre!"
"WHERE IS MY FATHER'S CHEESE"?
Dat not dat fierce.

OHHHH, MAN... MY
HEAD IS JUST
KILLING ME...
YOU GOT ANY
ASPIRIN?
YEAH... I
THINK I GOT
A COUPLE IN
MY POCKET.
*GLUCK*
NATIONAL ENQUIRAT
DRUG-ADDLED
GOAT BUSTED
IN MASSIVE
NARCOTICS STING
From Altar Boy to Altered By:
One Goat’s Descent Into Sin p.29

DANNY DONKEY SAT AT HOME IN HIS UNDERWEAR AND DRANK BEER. THE DOORBELL RANG.
DING DONG
"HELP SAVE THE PLANET," SAID THE PEOPLE AT HIS DOOR.
"HUH?" SAID DANNY DONKEY.
"SIGN A PETITION."
"ATTEND A RALLY."
"DISPLAY A BUMPER STICKER."
"I WOULD LIKE TO SIT AT HOME IN MY UNDERWEAR AND DRINK BEER," SAID DANNY DONKEY.
"BUT DOES THAT ACCOMPLISH?" ASKED THE PEOPLE.
"THE BEER THAT I AM HOLDING WILL GO FROM FULL TO EMPTY," SAID DANNY DONKEY, "AND I WILL BE HAPPY."
AND AT THAT, THE PEOPLE WEPT, FOR THEY REALIZED THE GENIUS THAT WAS DANNY DONKEY.
YOU ARE NOT GONNA PUT THIS IN A CHILDREN'S BOOK.
BUT IT'S ABOUT REDEMPTION.
I AM SO MOVED.