Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME A MOVIE REVIEWER. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIT ON YOUR BIG FAT BUTT AND SHOUT OUT OPINIONS.
OH, YEAH? THEN LET'S HEAR ONE.
"KILL BILL"...GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE, EXCEPT FOR ONE THING... THE LEVEL OF GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE.
YEAH...A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THERE'S TOO MUCH.
TOO LITTLE.
OH, LOOK...PEOPLE IN FUNNY WHITE COATS HERE TO PICK UP A SOCIOPATH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MY VIKINGS ARE BATTLING.
HAHAHAHA. THAT'S GREAT! WHAT DO THEY LIKE TO DO? KNOCK EACHOTHER IN THE HEAD WITH THOSE SPIKED CLUBS? GORE EACH OTHER WITH THOSE BIG SWORDS?
HAHA. YEAH... ALL OF THE ABOVE.
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG... GOOD FOR YOU.
I DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO TELL HIM THEY'RE SCRATCHING AND PULLING HAIR.

Honeeeeeeey... I'm hoooooooome... and I caught a zeeeeeeeeebra...
WILL YOU PLEASE STOP BUYING BUCKETS OF "KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN" AND WRITING "FRESH ZEEBRA MEAT" ON THE SIDE... IT'S EMBARRASSING... DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND I KNOW THAT'S NOT A ZEBRA IN THERE?? ARE YOU THAT DELUSIONAL??
And look... Dis one had WINGS!

WHAT WE GET FROM THE TOLSONS?
ONE OF OUR CHINA PLACE SETTINGS.
THE TOLSONS SURE ARE GENEROUS.
THEY SURE ARE. I WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE THEM AT THE WEDDING.
WHAT'S THAT NEXT GIFT?
I THINK IT'S FROM ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORS.
...WHAT IS IT?
A WASHCLOTH. ONE WASHCLOTH.
WHAT KIND OF AN @#$%&! COMES TO A WEDDING WHERE HE'S SERVED A HUNDRED DOLLAR DINNER AND BUYS THE COUPLE A FOUR DOLLAR GIFT?!?!
HOW TO PROFIT FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S WEDDINGS
HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WASHCLOTH?

RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, GLORIA STEINER, RENOWNED FEMINIST AND DEFENDER OF WOMEN'S RIGHTS.
LICKEY LICKEY LICK
NEVER STICK YOUR UNWELCOME TONGUE IN THE EAR OF A FEMINIST.
I'LL TEACH YOU TO RESPECT WOMEN!!

Hulla, zeeba neighba. Oh, no. Me have toothache.
Oh, no. Me look in mouf.
CLOMP! CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP!
AHHHHH!
Me got no hed!!
...Now DIS a funny comic.
HAHAHAHA. Dat best strip since "Sally Forth."

GENTLEMEN, THE CORPORATE LIFE BORES ME. THUS, I QUIT. BUT BEFORE I LEAVE, I’D LIKE TO UNVEIL THE COMPANY’S NEW SLOGAN FOR WHY WE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO DRILL IN ALASKA.
IT’S ONLY ALASKA
SIR, A LOT OF PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT ALASKA IS QUITE BEAUTIFUL AND THAT THE WILD-LIFE THERE NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED.
AND THAT’S WHERE MANNY THE BRIBE-TAKING MOOSE COMES IN.
PIPELINES ARE FUN!
NICE.

GENTLEMEN, RAISE THE PRICE OF GAS.
WE NEED A CREDIBLE-SOUNDING REASON, SIR.
MY REAR END ITCHES.
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
WONDERFUL, SIR.

GENTLEMEN,
RAISE THE
PRICE OF
GAS!
SIR, WE DID THAT
YESTERDAY. WE'LL
NEED A REASON.
"CONFLICT
IN THE
MIDDLE
EAST."
SIR. WE
USED THAT
TUESDAY.
"INSTABILITY
IN THE
REGION."
THAT
WAS
MONDAY.
"BECAUSE
WE CAN."
I LIKE
IT.

HELLO... ARE YOU HERE FOR THE INTERN POSITION?
YES.
WHAT ARE YOUR QUALIFI- CATIONS?
I'M GREEDY. I LIE. AND I WANT TO STEP ON THE HEADS OF THE LITTLE PEOPLE.
HMM... SOUNDS LIKE YOU MIGHT NOT BE THE RIGHT FIT FOR OUR IN- TERNSHIP.
OH? THEN WHAT AM I A GOOD FIT FOR?
GENTLEMEN... OUR NEW C.E.O.

A moment of silence
in honor of the American
men and women killed
in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Memorial Day, 2006

HEY, DUDE. SORRY I CRUSHED YOUR EGO... THESE THINGS HAPPEN ...
HI, RAT. I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD TIME, BUT I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I'M LEAVING YOU FOR ZIGGY. HE'S A REAL MAN.
WITHER
WITHER
WITHER
WITHER
SCOLOSH
I THINK I STEPPED ON A DOODY.

WHO'S THE CUTE LITTLE GUY?
MY EGO. HE’S A WEE BIT TINY, I KNOW.
COME ON OUT, L’IL GUY. IT’S OKAY. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE SHY.
UH..I...I'M JUST...KINDA... FRAGILE. SO...I...JUST...UH...STAY...UH...
I THINK I STEPPED ON A DOODY.

WHO'S THAT LITTLE GUY?
MY EGO. HE JUST WALKED IN.
YOUR EGO? ISN'T HE A LITTLE... SMALL?
I DUNNO. MAYBE THEY'RE ALL THAT SIZE...
I THINK I BROKE THE GARAGE DOOR.

LOOK AT THAT ANGELINA JOLIE. WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO KISS THOSE BIG, FAT LIPS?
YEAH. I'D LOVE TO KISS A GIRL.
DUDE ... YOU'VE NEVER KISSED A GIRL?
NO.
BUT YOU'VE BEEN DATING PIGITA FOR SIX YEARS.
WE’RE TAKING IT SLOW.

HEY, DUDE,
YOU LOOK
KNOCKED DOWN.
HERE, HAVE
MY COFFEE.
I’M TRYING TO
GIVE IT UP.
I’M SO EMBARRASSED. I WENT
TO THE GYM TODAY AND THE
WOMAN AT THE FRONT COUNTER
SAID, “HAVE A GOOD WORKOUT,”
AND IN FRONT OF
EVERYONE, I SHOUTED,
“YOU, TOO!” BUT SHE WASN’T
WORKING OUT... I WAS.
AHH...
YES. AN
I.Y.T.?
AN I.Y.T.?
AN “INAPPLICABLE
‘YOU, TOO’”... A
HUMILIATING SOCIAL
MALADY COMMON
AMONG DINNER-
HEADS SUCH AS
YOURSELF.
SO
WHAT
DO
I
DO?
JUST TRY TO
FORGET ABOUT
IT... ANYHOW,
I GOTTA GO...
ENJOY YOUR
COFFEE...
YOU,
TOO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LIFE HAS OVERWHELMED ME, SO I HAVE SHOVED MY HEAD INTO THE SAND.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
BECAUSE IGNORING REALITY IS THE NEXT BEST THING TO CHANGING IT.
THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

HEY THERE, STEPHAN... WHY DO YOU HAVE ONE OF THE CROCS ON A LEASH?
THIS IS BFF. HE'S THE DUMBEST OF ALL THE CROCODILES. HE'S THE FIRST CHARACTER I'VE EVER CREATED WHO SIMPLY CAN'T TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I'LL JUST HAVE TO KEEP HIM IN MY YARD AND FEED HIM AND EVERYTHING.
IS IT SAFE TO WALK A CROCODILE AROUND THE BLOCK LIKE THAT?
WHY WOULDN'T IT BE?
WELL, WHAT IF YOU COME ACROSS A SMALL POODLE OR SOMETHING AND HE ATTACKS?
I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

EXCUSE ME, SWEETIE, BUT I COULDN'T HELP NOTICING HOW HOT YOU ARE...HOW'D YOU LIKE TO GET DINNER WITH ME?
WHY THE @&$#* SHOULD I GET DINNER WITH YOU?
BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, THE TERRORISTS WIN.
...WORTH A TRY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I AM "HULA PIG." THE WORLD IS IN SUCH BAD SHAPE, I THOUGHT I'D TRY TO HULA OUR WAY OUT OF IT.
I'M NOT THE MOST MASCULINE GUY.

WELL, FOLKS, WE'VE OBVIOUSLY HAD A BIT OF A PROBLEM WITH ONE OF OUR PARTICIPANTS, BUT ALL IS TAKEN CARE OF NOW. BY THE WAY, IF ANY OF YOU SHOULD NEED IT, THE BATHROOM'S DOWN THE HALL, AND WITH THAT, LET'S --
BATHROOM BREAK!!
OF COURSE, SOME OF YOU HAVE LOST YOUR BATHROOM PRIVILEGES.
SMOKING BREAK!!

WELCOME, FOLKS, TO OUR ANGER MAN-
AGEMENT SUPPORT GROUP, THE PUR-
POSE OF WHICH IS TO HELP EACH OF
YOU CONTROL YOUR ANGER IN SIT-
UATIONS WHERE YOU MIGHT FEEL
SLIGHTED OR DISRESPECTED.
AND BELIEVE ME, I DON'T WANT YOU
TO THINK THERE'S ANY STIGMA ASSO-
CIATED WITH YOUR BEING HERE. IT
DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE SOME VIOLENT
NUT WHO FLIES OFF THE HANDLE...
IT MEANS YOU'RE A LOVING, CARING
SOUL WHO WANTS TO FIND A LOVING,
CARING SANCTUARY, FOREVER FREE
FROM YOUR PROBLEM.
"... IT WAS THE WAY HE
SAID 'PROBLEM.'"

HEY, MY GOOD NEIGHBOR, PIG. WHO'S YOUR FEATHERY HOMEBOY?
OH, HI, JASON. THIS IS MY GUARD DUCK. BUT BE KINDA CAREFUL. HE'S REAL SENSITIVE AND HE'S GOT AN ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEM.
OH YEAH? WEL, I'D RECOMMEND HIM SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST, BUT MAKE SURE TO FIND SOMEONE WHO'S NOT A...QUACK!! HAHAHAHAHA... GET IT?...
BAD DUCK.

YOU KNOW, NEIGHBOR BOB, I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER MET YOUR FATHER.
WELL, PIG...I'M AFRAID MY DAD IS UP ABOVE, LOOKING DOWN AT US...
HI.
THAT'S KINDA CREEPY.

WELL, WELL, WELL... IF IT ISN'T MY PERSONALITY-CHALLENGED CREATOR, STEPHAN PASTIS...
NOT TODAY, RAT. I'M HAVING A REALLY BAD DAY.
OH, NO! DID YOU TRY TO DRAW A TABLE AND FAIL?
LISTEN, FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I HAD TO TAKE BIG BRUTE AWAY FROM HIS HOME AND PUT HIM IN MY BACKYARD.
BIG BRUTE'S THE DUMBEST HE'S EVER CREATED SO MY WIFE SAID IF I KEPT HIM IN OUR HOUSE ONE MORE DAY, SHE'D TURN INTO ONE. BUT TO TAKE HIM HOME, WHERE AT LEAST I CAN PROTECT HIM--
DUDE, ISN'T THAT LIKE THE ULTIMATE HUMILIATION? FOR A CROCODILE TO BE CHAINED UP AND PSYCHANALYZED LIKE A COMMON DOG?? WHAT'S HE GONNA SAY TO HIS FELLOW CROCS?
LISTEN, DUDE, IT'S EITHER THAT OR HE STUMBLES OR WALKS IN FRONT OF A BUS OR SOMETHING... AND BESIDES, I DON'T TELL HIM WHY HE JUST HANGS OUT IN MY BACKYARD. WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'S THINKING...
Me a baaaaad man.
Bad? He sad.
Sad? He hectic.