Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
RAISING MONEY TO SEND `BIC' RAZORS TO EUROPE... THE WOMEN THERE ARE NOT SHAVING THEIR ARMPITS.
SO?
LISTEN, MORON... IF GOD HAD MEANT WOMEN TO HAVE HAIR IN THEIR ARMPITS, HE WOULD HAVE MADE THEM THAT WAY.
UH. HE DID.
ALRIGHT, FINE... THEN IT'S A MISTAKE, LIKE THOSE BACKWARD KNEECAPS ON FLAMINGOS.

HEY THERE, RAT... I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, RENÉ... SHE'S VISITING FROM FRANCE.
WOW, YOU'RE HOT.
OH, MERCI... THANK YOU... EXCUSEZ MOI... I SEE A FRIEND.
OH, MONIQUE! MONIQUE !
AAAAAAAAHHHHH
YOU OKAY?
CULTURE SHOCK... CULTURE SHOCK...
MONIQUE!
RENÉ!

LARRY, YOU'VE SAT IN FRONT OF THAT T.V. ALL DAY. WHY DON'T YOU GO OUTSIDE AND KICK THAT ZEBRA NEXT DOOR?
Peese shut mouf, woomun.
Dis not right time. Me wait for right moment when me can succeed.
Z z z z z z z z
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A CHEETAH.

The Adventures of Angry Bob
Angry Bob was angry.
Angry Bob read People magazine. He saw happy, famous people.
The famous people said they were happy because they accepted an ancient religion.
"I will find an ancient religion," declared Angry Bob, "and then I shall be happy."
Angry Bob looked in his library. He found a book on religion. Closing his eyes, he flipped the pages and picked a God at random.
"Oh God," he prayed, "Do your magic. Work in my life."
"My God has sent me," he declared.
Bob grew curious. "Who is this God who can cure all the miracles? Who is this God that I have prayed to?"
Bob looked at the page he had picked:
"Malafistlis," it read,
"the God of Raining Vengeance Down Upon One's Loved Ones."
A bookcase fell on Bob. He died.
Some Gods are better than others.

HELLO??
HI, MOM. IT'S ME, WREN.
WREN? MY NEWBORN BABY?
SINCE WHEN DO YOU TALK?
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ABLE TO TALK, BUT KIRKMAN AND SCOTT DON'T WANT TO SHOW IT 'CUZ I'M THE LAST KID THEY'RE GONNA ADD TO THIS STRIP, AND IF I GREW UP TOO FAST, THEY'RE OUT OF A G@#$%^&* JOB ... CAPICHE, WANDA?
THAT'S "MOM" AND SINCE WHEN DO YOU CURSE?
CHILL, HOMEY. LISTEN, THE BABYSITTER SHOZIE'S DEAD AND HAMMIE BLEW UP A GAS STATION AND THE GUY FROM "ZITS" IS DEAD DO YOU MIND IF I USE THE DOWN FEATHERS FROM YOUR PILLOW TO STUFF A DEAD ANIMAL?
AHHHHHHHH
HHHH
HHH
YOU FREAK OUT AT THE SLIGHTEST G@#$%^&* THING.

ALRIGHT, LISTEN, YOU LITTLE BABY BABY.
MY NAME'S WREN.
WREN SHAVEN... WHO CARES? I DON'T READ THE STUPID COMIC SECTION. LISTEN, I GOTTA CATCH A MOVIE, SO CAN YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF 'TIL YOUR SIBLINGS GET BACK?
GOOD... SEE YA.
YO, HOMEY... AIN'T NOBODY GONNA GET UP IN WREN'S GRILL. I'D MESS THAT FOOL UP BAD, DAWG.
ME GOT BAD FEELING ABOUT DIS, JERRY...
OH, PEESE, RICK... HE EASY PICKINGS.

HELLO?
HEY, KAT, THIS IS ZOE. LISTEN, ON THE WAY TO THE LIQUOR STORE... HAMMIE MESSED UP AND RAN OVER SOME GUY... THEN HE HIT A GAS PUMP. NOW EVERYTHING'S BURNING... SORRY.
WHAT??? IT WAS A SIMPLE BEER RUN!! OKAY, LISTEN LISTEN... BUY THE BEER AND RUN HOME... FAST!!
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE GUY WE RAN OVER?
SAY YOU'RE SORRY.
SORRY.

ALRIGHT, YOU LITTLE MIDGETS, LISTEN UP. I'M OUT OF BEER, SO I GOTTA MAKE A QUICK LITTLE BEER RUN TO THE LIQUOR STORE. YOU GUYS TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES …
WHO WHO WHO… WHAT…AM I THINKING? I'M THE BABYSITTER. I CAN'T LEAVE YOU LIKE THAT. IT'S NOT RESPONSIBLE. YOU'VE GOT A BABY SISTER I HAVE TO WATCH… OHHH, WHAT TO DO… WHAT TO DO…
AND AT THE THIRD LIGHT, MAKE A LEFT.

RAT BABYSITS THE "BABY BLUES" KIDS
...AND REMEMBER, WE'D LIKE YOU TO PLAY SOME "BARBIE" WITH ZOE AND BUILD SOME "LEGO" STUFF WITH HAMMIE...
YOU GOT IT.
...AND DO SOMETHING CREATIVE WITH THEM. WE LOVE OUR CHILDREN'S PLAYTIME TO ALSO BE A LEARNING TIME...
YOU GOT IT.
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE DOING TEQUILA SHOTS IN THE KITCHEN.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE'S INTERVIEWING WITH THE COUPLE ACROSS THE STREET. THEY'RE LOOKING FOR A BABYSITTER.
OH, GEE... I HOPE HE MAKES A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION.
HE WILL. I JUST KNOW IT.
AND WE'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'D LEAVE YOUR BEER BONG AT HOME.
YOU sERIoUS?
WHO... ARE YOU GUYS DOING A FAMILY STRIP?!?
FAMILY STRIP!! FAMILY STRIP!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me is bush. Is kamouflage.
So now you think you blend in with nature?
Duh.
AND NOW YOU THINK YOU CAN SPRING OUT AND KILL ME?
Wow. You a regulah Sherlock Home.
YEAH, WELL, HATE TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE, BUT YOU REALLY DON'T BLEND IN WITH NATURE.
OH, YEAH? WELL...ME BETTAH DEN LARRY.
Way to blow my cover, Bob.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
THIS STORY ON PORT-AU-PRINCE AND HOW HARD IT IS FOR PEOPLE TO LIVE THERE.
I CAN IMAGINE. IT BARELY FITS ONE PERSON AND A TOILET TAKES UP MOST OF THE SPACE.
PORT-AU-PRINCE, NOT PORT-A-POTTY.
OHHHHH... THEY MAKE SPECIAL ONES FOR ROYALTY?

SO THIS IS YOUR NEW DOG?
YES. THE DOG O' ABJECT DESPONDENCY, AN OVEREMPATHETIC DOG WHO WATCHED TOO MUCH CABLE NEWS AND BECAME PARALYZED WITH DESPAIR.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I SHALL INTRODUCE HIM TO DOLORES, THE APATHETIC CAT O' JOY.
I AM SPARED... 'CUZ I DON'T CARE.
SHE MAY BE ON TO SOMETHING.

Help, Zeeba neighba, help!! Brudder Jimmy fall in well!!
YOU PUSHED HIM. I SAW YOU.
YOU HOPED THAT I WOULD LEAP DOWN TO SAVE HIM. THEN YOU'D ALL JUMP IN AND EAT ME. WELL, IT DIDN'T WORK, AND NOW YOUR BROTHER JIMMY IS GONNA SUFFOCATE AT THE BOTTOM OF A FIFTY-FOOT WELL...
Sorry.

ONE DAY, WHEN YOUR LIFE IS ALMOST AT ITS END, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO SAY?
" SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS BY THE SEASHORE".
NUTS. " SHE SELLS SHE SELLS... NUTS! "SEE SHELLS"...NUTS. NUTS. NUTS!
BUT IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN.
OHHH, THAT THE END WERE NOW.

DUDE, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE GONE YOUR WHOLE LIFE WITHOUT EVER REALIZING YOU HAVE NO TOES.
I GUESS I'M NOT THAT OBSERVANT.
AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH ALL THIS STUPID TOENAIL POLISH?
I'LL HAVE TO GIVE IT TO SOMEONE WHO CAN USE IT.
WHO DO YOU KNOW THAT USES TOENAIL POLISH?...
It's sooo your color.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I JUST BOUGHT SOME TOENAIL POLISH AND I'M GONNA PUT IT ON MY TOES.
DUDE, YOU DON'T HAVE TOES. YOU'VE GOT LITTLE BLACK PEN LINES FOR FEET.
THAT'S THE KIND OF THING THAT CAN REALLY RUIN YOUR MONDAY.

WHO'S THIS RAT?
THE DOG OF QUIET DESPONDENCY.
A DOG THAT SO INTERNALIZED THE PRESENT STATE OF THE WORLD THAT HE CAN NO LONGER EVEN MOVE.
BUT DOGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY.
NOT THIS GUY. HE WAS BORN WITH TOO MUCH EMPATHY... A DOG LIKE HIM NEVER SHOULD HAVE WATCHED CABLE NEWS, BUT HE DID... AND NOW HE'S THE DOG WHO FELT TOO MUCH.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I THINK I'LL GIVE HIM A COUPLE OF ALONE, BUT IT BACKFIRED MISERABLY.
TURNED HIM INTO AN EVEN GREATER DEPRESSION.
SO?
NOW WE JUST SIT HERE AND THINK WHAT THE WORLD WOULD NEED TO BECOME A BETTER PLACE.
BUT WHAT IF THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN?
THEN WE GO WITH PLAN B.
WHAT'S PLAN B
HOPE CEVINE DION IMPROVES.
WE'RE PRAYING IT DOESN'T COME TO THAT.

WELL, HELLO THERE, RAT...HAVE YOU MET MY NEW POODLE?...I CAN'T DECIDE IF I SHOULD NAME HER "BOUNCY," "PEPPY," OR "HAPPY SNAPPY"...WHAT DO YOU THINK?...
WHO GIVES A $#&*?
PLEASE EXCUSE MY DOG O' ABJECT DESPONDENCY.

Okay, evil Meester Rat...
You sell us zeeba seed, but when we plant, we get toemayto.
What you think, we stoopid ?
ALL ZEBRAS BEGIN LIFE AS A TOMATO.
UNLESS YOU PICK THEM...
NOW YOU'VE STOPPED HIS BREATHING.
?? PFooo ?
?? PFooo ?
?? PFooo ?
Mouf to mouf no working !!
STAY AWAY FROM DA LIIIIIIGHT !!!

Psssst...
WANT TO BUY SOME ZEBRA SEEDS? FIFTY BUCKS A BAG.
Haha... We no need seeds. We hunt. We keel. We bad muttas.
Haha, Yeah. What you theenk? Me and Bob desperate losers??
Hahahaha
Heh heh heh.
Dis a reel low point, Bob.
Who-o-o-a.
Baby zeeba look juss like toenato.

WHO'S THAT, RAT?
THE DOG O' ABJECT DESPONDENCY... A DOG THAT SO INTERNALIZED THE PRESENT STATE OF THE WORLD THAT HE CAN NO LONGER EVEN MOVE.
SO WHAT'S HE DO?
HE SITS AND WORRIES.
SAVES YOU A FORTUNE ON FRISBEES.

Howdydoooo, neighbor... listen, the power's out at my house and my generator just went kaput. Can I borrow yours?
Will you please stop acting like we have a normal neighbor relationship? You eat me, I know that.
It doesn't mean we can't be friends.
Yes it does. Friends don't eat friends! If you want to be friends and borrow generators, you can start by taking the simple step of promising never to eat me. How does that sound?
Sounds like I'm buying a new generator.

THE KEY TO LIFE IS TO DECLARE ALL RIGHT AND WRONG RELATIVE.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS THAT WHENEVER SOMEONE SAYS YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG, YOU TELL THEM IT DEPENDS ON ONE'S DEFINITION OF WRONG... THEN YOU CHANGE THE DEFINITION TO SUIT YOUR NEEDS.
THAT'S A LONG WAY OF SAYING I STOLE YOUR WALLET.

AFTER MUCH STUDY AND RESEARCH, I HAVE DEVELOPED A WAY TO ENUMERATE THE NATION'S PROBLEMS.
AND WHAT IS THAT?
VOILA! A PAPER BAG YOU GOT FROM THE GROCERY STORE?
WRONG... THE BAG OF 'BLISS'... ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE...
OHHH, THE WAR WILL NEVER END! THE COUNTRY'S GOIN' BROKE! OUR INFRASTRUCTURE IS CHAOS! GAS PRICES ARE OUT OF CONTROL! HOLY @#$%! IT'S THE SEVENTIES ALL OVER AGAIN!!!
AHHHHH... THE WORLD'S A SAFE, DARK PLACE THAT SMELLS VAGUELY OF PRODUCE.
ADMIT IT... YOU'RE IMPRESSED.