Pearls Before Swine | Search

MOTHER... IS THERE ANY POSSIBILITY THAT I WAS SWITCHED AT BIRTH... i.e. THAT MY FATHER'S NOT MY FATHER?
NO, SON.
WHAT A BONE-CRUSHING BLOW TO MY PROSPECTS THAT IS.
NO OFFENSE, POPS.
OhhhhhKay...
Say again, but slooooowly.

LOOK, FATHER, THIS IS A PHOTO OF A CHICKEN RANCH. SEE HOW INHUMANE THE RANCHERS ARE?
Son son son... You sooo confused... We muss keel cheeckens
WHY, FATHER? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WE DIDN'T?
Dey keel us.
TELL ME I'M ADOPTED.

What is you doing, son?
READING ABOUT THE DANGERS OF EATING MEAT.
Reading big waste of time, son. Me no read. Look how smart me is.
GUESS WE CAN’T ALL BE BORN GENIUSES, POPS.
Dat gud point. Me special case.

Goodbye, woomun. Me off try keel Zeeba.
FATHER, HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT THE ZEBRA MIGHT HAVE HIS OWN FAMILY? A FAMILY THAT WOULD MISS HIM IF HE WERE GONE?
Mebbe he using drugs.

Huloooooo, zeeba neighba…
Leesten…This my son. My hope is that he future killer of you.
Father, you know that I've given it a lot of thought and that I’ve decided the most ethical thing for me to do is to become a vegetarian.
He a beeg disappointment.

HEY HEY HEY WHO ARE YOU GUYS?
WE'RE FROM STARBUCKS. WE'RE OPENING A CAFE IN YOUR LIVING ROOM.
WHOA WHOA WHOA. YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
OH REALLY? WHO'S GONNA STOP US?
THE COPS. I'LL CALL THE COPS.
THEIR STATION'S RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET.
LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW.
IT'S A STARBUCKS.
MAYBE THEY'LL STILL HELP US HERE.
HEY, FELLAS! 'MIND? I'M TRYING TO GET A LATTE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M LOOKING TO THE HEAVENS FOR ANSWERS TO LIFE'S DEEPEST MYSTERIES.
AND WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND?
THAT MOSQUITOS LIKE TO BITE MY RUMPIUS.
I WAS HOPING FOR SOMETHING MORE PROFOUND.

GOODNIGHT, DAD.
Does you say you prayers?
NOT YET, DAD.
Okay. Let say togedder.
"Now me lay me down to sleep,
Mow da zeebas down like sheep.
Give dem to me nice and dead.
Me no happy 'Til me fed."
Goodnight, son.
I LOVE YOU, DAD.

HEY THERE, GOAT... LISTEN... ARE YOU A "YANKEES" FAN?
NO. WHY?
OH, IT WAS JUST THAT YOU AND YOUR BLOG REMINDED ME OF ALEX RODRIGUEZ YESTERDAY.
HOW SO?
NEITHER OF YOU GOT ANY HITS.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LOOK SO UPSET?

SIR, GOOD MORNING, SIR. AT APPROXIMATELY 0300 LAST NIGHT, THREE TEENS IN A CAMARO THREW SOME LIT PICCOLO PETES INTO OUR TULIP BED.
AREN'T THOSE JUST FIREWORKS ?
SIR, THESE THINGS CAN ESCALATE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW ?
I ESCALATE THEM.

HI.. GIMME A TALL DECAF.
ROOM FOR CREAM?
YEAH.
HERE.
IT'S EMPTY.
HOPE YOU LIKE CREAM.

DID YOU PUT
UP THESE "LOST"
POSTERS ALL
OVER OUR CAFE'S
BULLETIN BOARD?
YES, SIR, I DID.
IT IS A COMMUNITY
SERVICE. HELPS
PEOPLE FIND THEIR
LOST DOGS, CATS.
WHY? IS THERE
A PROBLEM?
"LOST... MY BOSS' SOUL... SUCKED AWAY BY CORPORATE GREED."
YOU TAKE EVERYTHING
SO PERSONAL.

Hullooooo, zeeba neighba... Leesten... Me need leetle help.
Why do you have a wood chipper on your front lawn?
Ohh, dat? Me just doing leetle yard work. But leesten, me tink me lose contakk lens.
Where'd you use it?
Me tink it at back of machine. But me no can reach.
Gosh, you know, my arms just aren't long enough. Guess I won't be able to find—
Hey! Me got long arms! Me can find!
Does you find it?

HEY, GOAT... GREAT NEWS! I’VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF TRACKING YOUR BLOG HITS AND THERE’S BEEN A TREMENDOUS UPTICK!
GO AWAY, RAT.
YOU SEE, ON MONDAY, THERE WAS ONE HIT... THAT WAS ME. ON TUESDAY, THERE WAS ONE HIT... THAT WAS ALSO ME. BUT ON WEDNESDAY - LOOK OUT, MAMA - WE HAD A SURGE!! TWO HITS!! WOO HOO HOOOOOO!!!
OHHHH... WAIT WAIT WAIT... THAT WAS THE DAY MY BROWSER SHUT DOWN AND I HAD TO LOG BACK ON.
... MIND REIMBURSING ME FOR THE BALLOONS?

SO WHAT DO ALL THESE LITTLE MEERKATS DO?
WELL GOAT SAYS THE ONE KEEPS WATCH WHILE THE REST OF THEM DIG UNDERGROUND TUNNELS.
AWW... HOW CUTE... WOULDN'T YOU LOVE TO KNOW WHAT MOTIVATES AN INDUSTRIOUS LIL' GUY LIKE THAT?
... AND REMEMBER, YOU NEVER MET ME.
GRACIAS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CALLING MY BOOKIE. I'M TAKING THE FORTY-NINERS AND THREE POINTS.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS ILLEGAL.
IT IS... BUT THESE GUYS HAVE BEEN RUNNING THEIR OPERATION FOR YEARS.

AREN'T THESE MEERKATS AMAZING? ONE OF THEM ALWAYS KEEPS WATCH WHILE THE REST OF THEM SCURRY ABOUT IN THEIR UNDERGROUND TUNNELS.
THAT'S SO CUTE.. I WONDER WHAT THE REST OF THEM DO DOWN THERE WHILE HE KEEPS WATCH?

I HEAR YOU GOT A JOB WRITING ADS FOR A DOORKNOB COMPANY.
YEP. CHECK OUT THIS ONE.
"BUY OUR DOORKNOBS OR WE'LL BREAK YOUR G&@%#*# KNEES."
THAT'S CALLED EXTORTION.
IT'S A FINE LINE.

I GOT A JOB WRITING ADS FOR A DOORKNOB COMPANY. I JUST WROTE MY FIRST ONE.
LET ME HEAR IT.
"IF YOU DON'T BUY OUR DOORKNOBS, GOD WON'T LOVE YOU, AND YOU'LL PROBABLY GO TO HELL."
ETERNAL CONDEMNATION IS THE KEY TO SELLING DOORKNOBS.

Danny Donkey walked to school.
Danny Donkey saw Bob.
Bob called Danny a name.
MORON!
Danny punched Bob.
Principal Jack saw Danny punch Bob.
Danny went to detention.
Is this the children's book you've been working on?
Yes. I show foolish behavior and hope kids learn from it.
AND THE LESSON HERE IS THAT TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT?
Close.
Only punch Bob when the principal is distracted.
BUH BYE
YOU MAY BE SENDING THE WRONG MESSAGE.
WRITE YOUR OWN CHILDREN'S BOOK.

Hello. I am Chi Chi Perón, preacher to the stars. I have been put here on earth to judge and condemn others.
What are you doing, Rat?
I just told you, my son. I am Chi Chi Perón, and through these headphones, I can hear the voice of God.
Knock it off, Rat. If God was gonna speak through someone, it wouldn’t be you.
… God says you’re a big dumb idiot and that you should shut up.
Tell him to send me a sign, like maybe a burning rat.

HELLO. I AM CHI CHI PERÓN, PREACHER TO THE STARS. I HAVE BEEN PUT HERE ON EARTH TO JUDGE AND CONDEM OTHERS.
LEAVE ME ALONE, RAT...
THROUGH THESE STATE-OF-THE-ART HEADPHONES, I RECEIVE DIVINE GUIDANCE AS TO WHO SHALL BE CONDEMNED TO A LIFE OF ETERNAL TORMENT.
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR G@#%* MIND?
...I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?
THREE PACKAGES OF BACON.
WHO CARES ABOUT THE STUPID BACON? I'M TALKING ABOUT THAT.
OH, THIS? IT'S A MAGIC LAMP.
DUDE...A MAGIC LAMP?? RUB IT, AND WE'LL MAKE THREE WISHES AND HAVE ANYTHING WE WANT IN THE WORLD!
HOPE YOU LIKE BACON.

SIR, BAD NEWS, SIR... THE POLLS ARE IN, AND 74 PERCENT OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD DISAPPROVES OF ME.
THAT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME, L'IL GUARD DUCK. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO, DON'T YOU?
THREATEN AND INTIMIDATE 74 PERCENT OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD?
I'VE GUESSED WRONG, HAVEN'T I, SIR?

Dear Pigita,
I love you. You
Are smart. You are
beautiful. I am so
lucky to have you
for a girlfriend.
YOU STUPID PIG. GIRLS DON'T
LIKE NICE GUYS. THEY GO FOR
THE BAD BOYS. THE REBELS.
GUYS WHO ARE RECKLESS
AND UNCARING...
P.S. Today I left
the twisty
off the
Wonder Bread.