Pearls Before Swine | Search

CAN I HELP YOU TWO?
YES... WE'RE TWO HIGHLY QUALIFIED, QUICK LEARNERS WHO ARE PRESENTLY IN NEED OF GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT.
WELL, I HAVE A COUPLE OF OPENINGS, BUT YOU JUST SIT AT A DESK AND MOVE PAPER FROM ONE STACK TO THE OTHER.
WHOA WHOA WHOA... SAY IT S-L-O-O-O-O-W-L-Y.

DID YOU KNOW THAT WHILE THE AVERAGE MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYER MAKES MORE THAN $3,000,000 A YEAR, THE AVERAGE STARTING TEACHER'S SALARY IS $29,000?
THAT MEANS A BASEBALL PLAYER MAKES IN TWO GAMES WHAT IT TAKES THAT TEACHER AN ENTIRE YEAR TO EARN.
HOW 'BOUT WE ALL AGREE ONE DAY A YEAR WHERE WE TAKE THE MONEY WE WOULD HAVE SPENT AT A GAME AND GIVE IT TO OUR KID'S TEACHER?
DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A BETTER USE OF ABOUT $150?
YO, COMRADE..THAT'S CALLED COMMUNISM AND WE DEFEATED IT IN THE WAR OF... UH... 1812.
YES. IT WAS QUITE COLD DURING THE WAR OF 1812.
WHOA. WE'RE MISSING BASEBALL.

CAN I HELP YOU TWO?
YES... WE'RE BROKE... WE NEED A JOB.
WELL, I ONLY HAVE A COUPLE OPENINGS... THEY'RE DESK JOBS.
OH... I'M NOT QUALIFIED.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
I'VE NEVER BUILT A DESK IN MY LIFE.
NEXT TIME, I DO THE TALKING.

WHAT'S WITH THE GLASSES AND BOW TIE?
THEY'RE PHASE ONE OF MY TWO PART PLAN TO LOOK SMART.
WHAT'S THE SECOND PHASE?
I SAY, WHAT'S THE SECOND PHASE?
TO STOP TALKING.

LISTEN, NEWT... RAT'S REAL TIRED OF YOU TALKING ALL THE TIME, SO WE'RE GONNA PUT YOU IN THE BACKYARD FOR AWHILE.
GOOD... I'M TIRED OF BEING STUCK IN THAT CAGE.
... EES LIKE McNUGGET, BUT NO AS TASTY.

OUR PRIORITY HAS TO BE CUTTING GOVERNMENT, NOT TO MENTION HEALTH CARE REFORM. THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT. NOW, IF I WERE PRESIDENT…
WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP? I'M TRYING TO WATCH T.V. AND BESIDES, YOU CAN'T BE PRESIDENT. EVERYONE KNOWS MCLAIN IS A LOCK FOR 2008… HE'D HAVE TO GET CAUGHT WITH AN EXOTIC DANCER IN A MOTEL ROOM TO LOSE THAT.
Dear John,
Have I found the girl for you.

HAHAHAHA
I LOVE THIS MUTTS COMIC.
THIS PATRICK MCDONNELL IS A GENIUS.
YEAH. AND I LIKE HOW HE PROMOTES ANIMAL CAUSES, LIKE SPAYING AND NEUTERING YOUR PETS.
IS THAT IMPORTANT?
YOU BET IT'S IMPORTANT.
BAD NEWS.

LOOK, RAT... I BOUGHT A NEWT.
OH, I LOVE THOSE LITTLE SALAMANDER DUDES. WHAT KIND IS IT?
I'M NOT SURE... HE'S HIDING BEHIND THAT ROCK. TAP ON THE GLASS AND SEE IF YOU CAN GET HIM TO COME OUT.
TAP TAP TAP TAP
CUT GOVERNMENT SPENDING NOW.
DUUUDE, YOU GOT A GINGRICH.
CROSS-BRED FROM THE FORMER SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE AND PSYCHOS, YOUR NEWT SHOULD BRING YOU HOURS OF ENJOYMENT.

Duuude...Check it out...I got a job writing a syndicated political column.
Do you know how to write a political column?
Yep. Have a look.
People in power are
idiots.
Idiots.
Idiots.
Idiots.
Idiots.
Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Idiots.
Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Idiots.
It’s easier than it looks.

Dear Pa,
Life in the service is hard. Long days. Life in danger. Never knowing what will happen next.
Then there's that G#%&*@ enemy... Never fighting in the open. Stupid cowards. I'd like to line 'em all up and shoot every last one of...
I'M SORRY.
BUT YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT SHOOTING THE ALBERT'S GARAGE WITH A ROCKET-LAUNCHER IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Then there's the brass. Always busting my G#%$.

Hulloooo, zeeba neighba. Leesten. Dis is Willie. We keel heem as serten vices to yo. Now mebbe you sacrefice Zeeba to us.
No.
Dis big waste of Willie.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, PIG?
LOVE BIRDS.
G' EVENING, BOB.
TO GRASS WITH YOU, ALICE.
THEY WERE ON SALE.

HI. I GOT A SPECIAL DELIVERY.
FLOWERS? WOW, NO ONE EVER SENDS ME FLOWERS! THAT'S GREAT... LET ME SEE THE CARD.
Peese die.
Is dere no pleasing dat guy?

I NOTICED THAT YOUR BLOG ENTRY YESTERDAY WAS ONCE AGAIN FOLLOWED BY ZERO COMMENTS. THIS OBVIOUSLY MEANS THAT NO ONE IS READING IT... DOES THAT BOTHER YOU ?
GO AWAY.
I WAS THINKING, MAYBE YOU COULD JUST SHOVE YOUR WRITING UNDER THIS BOX. THAT WAY, JUST AS MANY PEOPLE WOULD READ IT, BUT YOU'D SAVE A FORTUNE ON INTERNET CONNECTION FEES.
PERHAPS SAVING MONEY IS NOT A PRIORITY FOR YOU.

SIR. GOOD EVENING, SIR.
CAN THIS WAIT 'TIL "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" IS OVER?
SIR, IF YOU LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW, YOU'LL SEE THAT THE CIVILIAN ACROSS THE STREET HAS PAINTED HIS HOUSE A PARTICULARLY HEINOUS SHADE OF ORANGE... PERMISSION TO HANDLE THE SITUATION, SIR.
WELL, SURE, I GUESS YOU CAN WORK IT OUT, BUT PEACEFULLY OF COURSE.
PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY, SIR.

WHY BOB UNDER WATER?
SHHH. EES PART OF TOP SECRET PLAN. HAVE LOOK.
TOP SECRIT PLANN
STEP 1: BOB LAY AT BOTTOM OF POOL.
STEP 2: ZEEBA COME OVER FOR POOL PARTY.
STEP 3: BOB KEEL ZEEBA.
DAT SOUND LIKE GUD PLAN. HOW LONG BOB BEEN AT BOTTOM?
SEENCE TUESDAY.
TOP SECRIT PLANN
STEP 1:
GATOR
SWEEMING LESSONS.

LISTEN, LITTLE GUARD DUCK. PIG ASKED ME TO BRING YOU INSIDE. HE SAYS IT'S TOO COLD AND DARK FOR YOU OUT HERE, OKAY?
Are you... an assassin?
I'M A RAT.
You're neither... You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.
YOU ARE SO BEING TAKEN OFF OUR NETFLIX ACCOUNT.
The horror. The horror.

I WENT TO YOUR BLOG YESTERDAY AND NOTICED THERE'S NOT A SINGLE COMMENT AFTER ANY OF YOUR ENTRIES. DOES THIS CONCERN YOU?
NO.
WELL, IT SHOULD. BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT NO ONE IS READING YOUR BLOG.
WILL YOU PLEASE--
PERHAPS YOU SHOULD JUST TRY POSTING NOTES ON YOUR REFRIGERATOR. YOU MIGHT REACH MORE PEOPLE.
THROT!
THROT!
THROT!
THROT!
THROT!
THROT!
THROT!
THROT!
THROT!
THESE BLOGGERS ARE AN ANGRY BUNCH.

HULLOOO ZEEBA NEIGHBA… EES GUD DAY, NO?
YOU KNOW, SOMETHING I'VE ALWAYS BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU. WHAT IS THAT STUPID ACCENT YOU GUYS HAVE?
Hahaha… You not know?… We ees speekino
STUPID LIQUID PAPER.

HEY U?
SIR, THIS IS MANNY, FROM "MANNY'S YARD SERVICE". LISTEN, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT JORGE WILL NO LONGER BE MAINTAINING YOUR BUSHES... HE'S BEEN CANCELED.
WHAT?? WHY NOT? I LOVE JORGE.
DID IT GROW TOO BIG?
DID I MISS A PAYMENT?
I MEAN I-- SIR!
SOMEONE SHOT JORGE IN THE @%*!@#% RUMP, SIR!!
...IF YOU MUST KNOW, HIS WEEDWHACKER SPOOKED ME.

DEER ZEEBA,
YOUH. LOS.
VRY U LUE ED
NEDLOGRPH. BA.
S TAHUR K E NOS N
HE E A J R !
K. B E I L I N G
S Y E OLUF!
Subibabal message no working.

HEY THERE, PIG. I HEAR YOU HIRED A DUMB GUARD DUCK TO PROTECT YOUR HOUSE. WHAT'S A MEEK LITTLE DUCK GONNA DO?
OH GEE, NEIGHBOR BOB...MEEKNESS ISN'T HIS PROBLEM. IT'S THAT HE'S VIOLENT AND UNSTABLE.
OH GEE..VIOLENT AND UNSTABLE, HUH?..WHAT'S HE DO, WADDLE ALL OVER THE NEIGHBOR'S TOES?
I LOVE THE SMELL OF NAPALM IN THE MORNING.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT WHILE THIS ENTIRE COUNTRY HAS BEEN OBSESSED WITH TRINKETS, A MOMENTOUS PHENOMENA HAS OCCURRED RIGHT UNDER OUR VERY NOSES ?
WHAT ?
WHEN NO ONE WAS LOOKING, EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN WOMAN BETWEEN THE AGES OF 18 AND 32 WENT OUT AND GOT A TATTOO JUST ABOVE HER RUMPUS.
THEIR WHAT ?
BUTTOCK. TUSH. CABOOSE. IT'S TRUE... SOMEONE MUST HAVE PASSED OUT A FLYER.
HOW DID THIS ?
WELL, IT CAN BE A LITTLE HARD TO SPOT A BUMPER BUT IF YOU HEAR THEIR JEANS REALLY LOW, YOU CAN JUST SEE- HEY, I AM A SOCIAL SCIENTIST/TATTOO PHILE. I SHALL PROVE MY THEORY EMPERICALLY !
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
EXCUSE ME, MADAM, BUT WOULD YOU MIND PULLING DOWN YOUR -
THE SCIENTIFIC LIFE IS FRAUGHT WITH PERIL.

SO HOW'S EDWARD?
TERRIFIC. HE CAUGHT TWO ZEBRAS LAST WEEK AND A WATER BUFFALO ON FRIDAY.. HOW'S LARRY?
...Oooookay... Now me mad.

I'VE WRITTEN ANOTHER MOVIE REVIEW. THIS ONE'S ABOUT "LAWRENCE OF ARABIA."
PERHAPS THE GREATEST FILM EVER MADE. WHAT'D YOU SAY ABOUT IT?
"TOO MUCH SAND."
SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW.