Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I STOLE SOME STEM CELLS AND BEGAN CREATING MY VERY OWN HUMAN BEING FROM THE GROUND UP.
BUT THOSE ARE JUST FEET.
I GOT BORED.

WHO'S YOUR WEIRD-LOOKING FRIEND?
EURIPEDES. THE ONE-EYED FROG.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS EYE?
NOTHING. HE JUST KEEPS IT CLOSED.
WHY WOULD HE KEEP ONE EYE CLOSED?
BECAUSE EURIPEDES BELIEVES THAT THE WORLD IS FILLED WITH PAIN. BY CLOSING ONE EYE, HE SHUTS OUT HALF OF IT.
BUT AREN'T THERE DISADVANTAGES TO ONLY USING ONE OF HIS EYES?
WELL, HE HAS NO DEPTH PERCEPTION, SO HE CAN'T PLAY CATCH, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, I CAN'T THINK OF ANY.
I THOUGHT OF ONE.

GOAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY COUSINS. THIS IS BOB AND THAT'S GLADYS.
WHAT'S GLADYS DOING WAY OUT THERE?
SHE'S A DISTANT RELATIVE.
THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH, GLADYS!

IF WE'RE EVER GONNA HAVE WORLD PEACE, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIND A FEW BASIC PRINCIPLES WE CAN ALL AGREE ON.
THAT'S A VERY MATURE THING FOR YOU TO SAY, RAT. WHAT KIND OF PRINCIPLE DO YOU THINK WE COULD ALL AGREE ON?
THAT GUYS WHO WEAR THEIR COLLAR UP SHOULD ALL BE PUNCHED IN THE HEAD.
ohhhhh Lord...
HEY...WHAT'S A LITTLE VIOLENCE WHEN YOUR GOAL IS WORLD PEACE?
WE SHOULD GO HOME NOW, DEAR.

WHAT’S A MATTER WITH YOU?
DEPRESSION FINALLY GOT THE BETTER OF OUR POOR LITTLE SOAP.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HE HUNG HIMSELF IN THE SHOWER.
THAT'S CALLED "SOAP ON A ROPE."
THIS IS NO TIME FOR POETRY.

PIG BOUGHT A POLE FROM THAT GENTLEMAN'S CLUB THAT SHUT DOWN.
A POLE? YOU MEAN ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN DANCE AROUND?
YEAH. AND HE'S HAVING IT INSTALLED IN OUR LIVING ROOM.
WOW... OUR OWN SWEET PIG... I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY HE'D EVER DO SUCH A THING.
INDOOR TETHERBALL: A DREAM COME TRUE.

HI THERE. I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET. I'M PIG.
HI. TIMMY THE ANTEATER.
ANTEATER, HUH?... SO WHAT DO THOSE LITTLE GUYS TASTE LIKE?
WHAT DO LITTLE GUYS TASTE LIKE?
ANTS.
HOW THE @#&% WOULD I KNOW? I EAT MOSTACCIONI.
SORRY.
I COULD DO WITHOUT THE RACIAL PROFILING.

THE CROCODILE WAITS BELOW THE SURFACE OF THE POND. HE KNOWS THAT THIS IS THE ZEBRA'S ONLY SOURCE OF WATER.
AS THE ZEBRA LEANS IN TO DRINK, THE CROC STRIKES... THE ZEBRA IS NO MORE.

AND SO, IF YOU JUST...UH...MEET ME LIKE...UH...AT THE UHH...
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, RAT?
LISTENING TO THIS IDIOT'S ENDLESS MESSAGE. ALL I WANT IS FOR HIM TO SAY HIS STUPID PHONE NUMBER.
SOOOOO WHINY...
YEAH I HATE IT--
WAIT! WAIT...SHUT UP...I THINK HE'S ABOUT TO SAY IT...
SO...UH...GIVE...UH ME...A CALL...UH --THE NUMBER IS...
WHY ARE THE SLOWEST MESSAGE TALKERS THE FASTEST PHONE NUMBER GIVERS?
'CAUSE PEOPLE ARE MORONS!! MORONS!! MORONS!! MORONS!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE OUR SEWING MACHINE IS POSSESSED.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER...IT RAISES SO MANY DEEP, MIND-BLOWING, PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTIONS.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE WHY DO TWO ANIMALS WHO DON'T WEAR CLOTHES OWN A SEWING MACHINE?

OUR SEWING MACHINE KEEPS ACTING UP… IT’S LIKE IT’S POSSESSED OR SOMETHING.
HOW COME EVERY TIME A STUPID APPLIANCE ACTS UP, PEOPLE SAY IT’S ‘POSSESSED’?

I LOVE SATAN. I LOVE SATAN.

CALL A PRIEST.

WHOA. THAT BOAT'S ABOUT TO GO OVER THE EDGE.
THE EDGE OF WHAT?
THE WORLD THERE.
THE WORLD'S ROUND, PIG.
SO IS MY KITCHEN TABLE, BUT YOU CAN STILL KNOCK OFF THE CEREAL BOWL.
I GUESS "SORRY" ISN'T IN YOUR VOCABULARY.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FRIEND?
Oh, he have bad heart. Probably heart attack.
AREN'T YOU GONNA HELP?
Ack.
WHY HE NEED HELP TO HAVE HEART ATTACK?
YOU PREDATORS ARE JUST EVIL.
Oooooooh. New hat.

DID YOU EVER WONDER WHY THE LETTERS ON A COMPUTER KEYBOARD ARE NOT ARRANGED ALPHABETICALLY? THE ANSWER DATES BACK TO THE DAYS OF MANUAL TYPEWRITERS.
COMMONLY USED COMBINATIONS OF LETTERS HAD TO BE PLACED FAR APART ON THE KEYBOARD TO PREVENT THEIR METAL KEYS FROM JAMMING TOGETHER WHEN THE TYPIST TYPED FAST.
IT'S A WONDER YOU DON'T GET MORE DATES.

HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR FRIEND?
Oh, heem? He choking.
ACK!
AREN'T YOU GONNA HELP?
Oh, no... Death of fellow predator mean less competition for prey.
THUD
YOU GUYS ARE COLD.
Hey, look. Me got footstool.

WHERE'S ALL THE TOFU I BOUGHT, MOM?
WHAT IS MOM?
OH, SON, I WAS HOPING TO WAIT AND TELL YOU THIS WHEN YOU WERE OLDER
WHAT IS IT? AM I ADOPTED? ARE YOU AND DAD SPLITTING UP?
WORSE, SON. YOUR FATHER BELIEVES IN THE TOFU COW
THE WHAT?
SON, YOUR FATHER BELIEVES THAT TOFU IS A MEAT THAT COMES FROM THE MIGHTY TOFU COW. IF YOU PUT TOFU OUT, HE WILL SCULPT IT INTO A TOFU COW, PUT IT OUTSIDE AND CONVINCE HIMSELF IT'S REAL.
WHY, MOTHER? WHY?
BECAUSE HE THINKS IF HE BELIEVES IN THE TOFU BEING FUN, AND WHEN HE CATCHES IT, HE FEELS PROUD.
CATCHES IT...? MOTHER, TELL ME MY DAD DOESN'T HUNT-
WOE TO DA TOFU COW!!
NO NO NO NO NO
DON'T LOOK, SON...DON'T LOOK.

SO WHY'D YOUR CREATOR QUIT?
WELL, HE SAYS IN THE PRESS RELEASE, "I WANT TO PURSUE OTHER INTERESTS AND EXPLORE OTHER MEDIA PLATFORMS."
"BLAH BLAH BLAH I WANT TO PLAY MORE VIDEO GAMES."
HE'S NOT EVEN HIDING IT!

SO WE'VE GOT A HOMELESS COMIC STRIP FAMILY ON OUR LAWN.
YEAH. THEY'RE FROM "FUXXTROT".
"PERAL'S CREATOR
STEPHAN PASTIS"
YEAH. I KNOW THEM. I READ THEM IN THE PAPER. THOSE WERE POPULAR CHARACTERS.
"FUNTROT", HUH?
VERY.
AND NOW THEY'RE OUT OF WORK, PENNILESS, ALL BECAUSE THEIR CREATOR QUIT.
WOW.
WOW IS RIGHT. AS A COMIC STRIP CHARACTER THAT'S OPENLY CONTEMPTUOUS OF YOUR CREATOR, WHAT'S THAT MAKE YOU THINK?
WOW.
THAT THERE'S NO LONGER A REASON TO SUBSCRIBE TO THE PAPER?
NO.
THAT ONLY THE GOOD CARTOONISTS QUIT?
FORGET IT.

THOSE STUPID HOMELESS GUYS ARE BACK ON OUR LAWN... I'M GONNA KICK 'EM OFF.
BUT I TOLD THEM THEY COULD STAY.
WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?
I FELT BAD FOR THEM. THEIR BOSS JUST UP AND QUIT ON THEM... NO SEVERANCE PAY, NO NOTHIN'. ALL HE OFFERED THEM WAS SOME PART-TIME WORK ON THE WEEKENDS.
WE'RE PRETTY PEEVED.

HEY THERE, GOAT... THIS IS MY NEW DOG, 'MANIC DEPRESSIVE BARBINA'... YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE HER RIGHT NOW... SHE'S GOING THROUGH ONE OF HER LOW PHASES.
'MANIC DEPRESSIVE BARBINA'?... WHAT THE?... HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHEN SHE'S--
I'M SORRY... CAN YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND?
PLEASE STOP PAINTING YOUR MALIBU BEACH HOUSE BLACK.

SIR, WE'VE GOT A SITUATION, SIR. A COMPANY OF UNIFORMED COMBATANTS IS ATTEMPTING TO EXTORT FUNDS... REQUEST PERMISSION TO ENGAGE, SIR.
FOR SHAME, SIR.

HEY DAD. WOULD
YOU MIND READ-
ING ME SOME
NURSERY
RHYMES?
Sure
ting,
son.
Jack be nimble
Jack be quick...
Kill dat man
He make me sick.
PLEASE
DON’T
CHANGE
THE
WORDS.
But dis
Jack
very
annoying.

HEY THERE, RAY. I HEARD YOU AND YOUR BROTHER HUGH GOT JOBS AT THAT NEW FAST FOOD PLACE DOWN TOWN... HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT TOO GOOD, PIG. OUR BOSS WANTS THE TWO OF US TO KEEP A COUNT OF HOW MANY CUSTOMERS WE SERVE PER HOUR. THE HIGHER OUR COMBINED TOTAL, THE HIGHER OUR BONUS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
WELL, MY COUNT'S REAL HIGH, BUT HUGH IS SUPER SLOW, SO IT USES UP OUR BONUS.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
WHAT CAN I DO? I WANT THAT NEW JAG I HAD MY EYE ON AND ALL THE BONUS, SO I GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO JUST DOUBLE MY CUSTOMER COUNT.
THAT'S ASKING TOO MUCH OF YOURSELF, RAY.
HOW DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO?
ASK NOT WHAT YOU CAN COUNT, RAY, AND CAN COUNT FOR HUGH... ASK WHAT HUGH CAN DO FOR YOU.
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.

OUR CARTOONIST, STEPHAN PASTIS, IS SICK TODAY, SO HE ASKED US TO JUST LOOK THROUGH HIS JOKE FILE AND PICK A JOKE TO READ.
HOW 'BOUT THAT ONE?
OKAY...UH..."HEY, DID YOU HEAR THERE WAS A FIRE AT THE USED CLOTHING STORE AND TWO PEOPLE DIED IN THE BUILDING NEXT DOOR?"
"NO... HOW'D THEY DIE?"
"SECONDHAND SMOKE."
LET'S KEEP LOOKING.
LET'S.

HAHAHA... YEAH... AND THEN I BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH AND SHE'S LIKE, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH...
ANYHOOOO... I BETTER GET GOING... GOTTA GET MY MORNING CAFFIENE RUSH. HEH HEH HEH. YOU TAKE CARE NOW. BYE NOW.
HI, GIVE ME A—
PIG? WHAZZUUUP!? IT'S ME, RAT... OH, NOTHING... JUST WAITING ON SOME LARDBUTT WHO WOULDN'T GET OFF HIS @#%! CELL PHONE...
WILL YOU PLEASE—
YEAH, HE'S STILL STANDING THERE... WHO KNOWS WHY...? MAYBE THE LARDBUTT THINKS HE'S GETTING COFFEE... ANYHOOOO...