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WHAT ARE
YOU DOING,
GUARD DUCK?
I AM WAITING FOR MY
GIRLFRIEND MAURA TO
RETURN. SHE'S THE DUCK
WHO FLEW SOUTH LAST
WINTER AND BROKE MY
HEART, SIR.
AND YOUR DAYS OF HAVING
A BROKEN HEART WILL
BE FOREVER GONE!!!
WHY DON'T YOU
GO AND TRY TO
FIND HER?
BECAUSE I CANNOT FLY,
SIR. I HAVE TOLD YOU
THAT, SIR. I AM A
BROKEN DUCK, SIR.
THEN I WILL HELP YOU FLY,
LITTLE GUARD DUCK. AND YOU WILL
FIND HER. AND YOU WILL HAVE
TRUE LOVE.
I'M A BIRD,
NOT A
JAVELIN,
SIR.
HOW ABOUT WE
JUST HAVE
SOME CHOCOLATE
AND A GOOD CRY?

WHOA!... WHERE ARE YOU GOING, RAT?
I'M RUNNING AWAY FROM LIFE AND ALL MY PROBLEMS.
WOOHOOHOOOoooooooooo
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT EASY.

HEY, BEETLE BAILEY.
HOW GOES IT?
HEY, PIG. HANG ON A SEC. I GOTTA SAY A COUPLE THINGS TO ZERO. HE'S BEING SENT HOME FOR
A WHILE.
IT'S OKAY. I GOTTA BE TAKING OFF ANYHOW.
OKAY. BUT LISTEN... YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
YOU TOO.
*CLICK*
NATIONAL ENQUIRART REVEALING PHOTOS!
DON'T ASK DON'T TELL?
SARGE: "I'M NOT PLEASED!"

Hola, Señor Zeebo... Me is dangerouso. Me can snappo necko. You geev uppa.
Ack.
You know... THAT WRESTLING IS AN ACT, LIKE A MAGIC SHOW OR A PLAY... THEY DON'T ACTUALLY HURT EACH OTHER.
SNAP
Ta-daaaaaa.

Hold me.
Make my problems go away.
YOU DUMB PIG... PROBLEMS DON'T GO AWAY JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HUGS YOU... PROBLEMS NEVER GO AWAY.
Hold me.
Make my problems go away.
Hold me
anyways.

Okay, zeeba neighba...We tired of you games. We buy Spaneesh phrase book. Give unself fierce Spaneesh name..."Donde Esta El Queso De Mi Padre!"
"WHERE IS MY FATHER'S CHEESE"?
Dat not dat fierce.

OHHHH, MAN... MY
HEAD IS JUST
KILLING ME...
YOU GOT ANY
ASPIRIN?
YEAH... I
THINK I GOT
A COUPLE IN
MY POCKET.
*GLUCK*
NATIONAL ENQUIRAT
DRUG-ADDLED
GOAT BUSTED
IN MASSIVE
NARCOTICS STING
From Altar Boy to Altered By:
One Goat’s Descent Into Sin p.29

DANNY DONKEY SAT AT HOME IN HIS UNDERWEAR AND DRANK BEER. THE DOORBELL RANG.
DING DONG
"HELP SAVE THE PLANET," SAID THE PEOPLE AT HIS DOOR.
"HUH?" SAID DANNY DONKEY.
"SIGN A PETITION."
"ATTEND A RALLY."
"DISPLAY A BUMPER STICKER."
"I WOULD LIKE TO SIT AT HOME IN MY UNDERWEAR AND DRINK BEER," SAID DANNY DONKEY.
"BUT DOES THAT ACCOMPLISH?" ASKED THE PEOPLE.
"THE BEER THAT I AM HOLDING WILL GO FROM FULL TO EMPTY," SAID DANNY DONKEY, "AND I WILL BE HAPPY."
AND AT THAT, THE PEOPLE WEPT, FOR THEY REALIZED THE GENIUS THAT WAS DANNY DONKEY.
YOU ARE NOT GONNA PUT THIS IN A CHILDREN'S BOOK.
BUT IT'S ABOUT REDEMPTION.
I AM SO MOVED.

YOU'RE REALLY HURTING PEOPLE WITH THIS TABLOID YOU'RE PRINTING, RAT.
YES, BUT I'M GETTING RICH.
BUT IT'S NOT RIGHT.
DOING RIGHT IS TO MAKING MONEY WHAT DEFLATING THE TIRES IS TO RIDING A BICYCLE.
YOU MAY NOT BE ACHIEVING SAINTHOOD.
BUT I'LL BE RIDING A FAST BIKE.

OHHH,
DEAR...
I CAN'T
FIND
MY
MONEY.
IT'S DOWN
HERE ON
THE FLOOR,
MA'AM. YOU
MUST HAVE
DROPPED IT.
OHHHH, THANK YOU,
SONNY... YOU'RE A
SWEET DEAR.
*KISS*
*CLICK*

THWACK
Nachos.
Nachos.
Nachos.

Okay, zeeba neighba. Prepare to die. We have Mexican wrestler on our side.
HAHA Yeah.. Me crush you.
Mexican wrestlers speak Spanish.
Burrito. Burrito. Burrito.
Nice.

MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY
OKAY, RAT, EITHER YOU KNOCK OFF WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH THAT TABLOID OF YOURS OR YOU'RE GONNA START LOSING YOUR FRIENDS.
USE MY FRIENDS? BUT THAT WOULD KILL ME.
YEAH, WELL YOU BETTER THINK ABOUT IT THEN, 'CAUSE I WILL WALK RIGHT OUT OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU? I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT ABE, ULYSSES AND BENJAMIN.
FORGET IT.
SSHHHH... HE'S LEAVING NOW, LITTLE BUDDIES.

I'M STARTING A TABLOID... I'M GONNA SPREAD LIES ABOUT EVERY- ONE I KNOW.
THAT BETTER NOT INCLUDE ME.
*CLICK*

SO I SAW ON THE ANIMAL CHANNEL THAT EVERY GROUP OF CROCS HAS A DOMINANT MALE, THE FIERCEST KILLER IN THE BUNCH... DO YOU GUYS HAVE ONE?
You shut mouf
HAHAHAHA... Duuh...Here is me. He has no consious. Me no put up wid nutting. Me a regular Deniss Meniss to Society.
You?... Oh peese... Everyone know is me...You juss eediot.
You shut mouf.
You shut mouf.
Me telling.
MAMAAAAAAAAA! Bob say 'shut mouf'.
(OH MY LORD).

Hello, Pig.
Farina, my germophobic sister who lives in a bubble and once dated Rat... what brings you here?
I want to date Rat again... I realized that despite his faults, he has a certain dignity that I find quite attractive.
Well, you can find him at this address if you want...

LOOKS LIKE OUR MAYOR GOT CAUGHT SPYING ON PEOPLE... RATHER THAN FACE IMPEACH- MENT, HE'S CHOSEN TO RESIGN.
WELL, AT LEAST NOW HE'LL HAVE TO DEPART THE OFFICE IN SHAME WITH HIS HEAD HUNG LOW... I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE LOOK OF DEFEAT ON HIS FACE...

GOOD EVENING, ESTEEMED CITIZENS... I AM YOUR BELOVED MAYOR... YOU CAN TELL THAT I'M BELOVED BY THE SMILING PEOPLE WHO HAVE CHOSEN TO SPONTANEOUSLY GATHER BEHIND ME.
YOU MADE US STAND HERE.
SHOOT HIM.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
We bury mines. If you walk in yard, you esplode.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE THEY’RE BURIED?
Ah. Gud idea. Larry, go in house. Make map.
BOOM
No go dat way.

HERE, UH, ONE LAST THING... AS PART OF THE JOB, WE GIVE YOU A COMPANY CAR.
SWEET, PHIL... WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EARLIER? THAT SAVES ME FROM HAVING TO TAKE THE STUPID BUS TO WORK.
YEAH... I SHOULD'VE MENTIONED IT... I'LL HAVE IT BROUGHT OVER AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT...
I'M NOT PLEASED, PHIL.

DUDE, CHECK OUT THIS JOB LISTING... FLOOR MANAGER, LARGE PARTY SUPPLY STORE... TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS AN HOUR... INTERVIEWS BEING HELD TODAY...
HOLY SMOKES... INCLUDES HEALTH COVERAGE AND THREE WEEKS VACATION? IS THERE A CATCH?
NO, DUDE. NO CATCH. WISH ME LUCK...
THERE'S A CATCH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M COMING TO GRIPS WITH MY OWN TRANSIENCE BY DRAWING IN THE SAND.
AS SOON AS I FINISH, A WAVE WIPES IT OUT.
THIS HELPS ME COME TO TERMS WITH MY OWN MORTALITY, BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT I DO...
...I SEE IT WILL ALL BE FORGOTTEN IN TIME.
AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT?
OF COURSE I AM...IT'S THE NATURE OF LIFE. YOU HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH IT.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
I WAS TALKING TO ANDY, THAT LITTLE DOG ACROSS THE STREET. BOY, DOES HE HAVE BIG PLANS... HE'S GONNA BACKPACK THROUGH ITALY, SAFARI IN KENYA AND SIP TEA IN SHANGHAI.
DUDE... IT'S ONE THING TO HAVE DREAMS... IT'S ANOTHER TO BE DELUSIONAL.
WHAT'S SO DELUSIONAL ABOUT WANTING TO SEE THE WORLD?

...YEAH, DUDE, IT'S ME...I'M AT THE MOVIES...HUH?...YEAH. SWEET...NO...PRETTY DUMB...HUH?...YOU CUT OUT...YEAH...WANNA HOOK UP AFTER OR—
WHAM!
IT SURE BEATS ASKING POLITELY.

Duude.. Bad news..
The wife saw you eating nonfat blueberry yogurt.
You may be hosed.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH EATING YOGURT?
Uh.. Not a guy food, bro..
Now she thinks you’re weak.
An easy mark. And if…
Uhh, dude… What’s that
sticker on your book say?
‘OPRAH’S BOOK CLUB.’ WHY?
Oh, dear God.