Pearls Before Swine | Search

MERRY CHRISTMAS, PIG. I DIDN'T BUY YOU ANYTHING, BUT I THOUGHT I COULD GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE...
AWW, GEE, LITTLE BUDDY, THAT MEANS MORE TO ME THAN ANYTHING. I JUST GOT YOU A LITTLE GIFT CERTIFICATE. HERE, IT'S A--
COULD I HAVE MY WALLET BACK?
Dang.

Deer Santy Closs,
you know what me want...
Black and white, four legs,
Two beeg ears. Super stoopid!
P.S. You grate!!!

This year my greatness was startling.
I made more cash than you. I bought nicer things than you. I had more success than you.
In short, here is my summary of the last twelve months.
Me: Total domination.
You: Blah blah blah who cares?
YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T SEND OUT AN ANNUAL CHRISTMAS LETTER.

Dear Santa,
Save us from destruction.
Save us from war.
Save us from ourselves.
YOU STUPID PIG... SANTA SPECIALIZES IN TOYS... HE GIVES TOYS.
Please throw in a yo-yo.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, ZEEBA NEIGHBA!
WOW... A PICTURE OF THE SERENGETI! THANK YOU, LITTLE GUY!
YEAH, IT'S TO REMIND YOU OF YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS LIVING OUT ON THE PLAINS... THAT WAY YOU WON'T GET HOMESICK.
THAT'S SURE NICE OF YOU... YOU SURE YOUR DAD WON'T MIND?

NO.
Nuts.

SIR, RELIGIOUS ZEALOTS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE STREETS, IT'S A MOB SCENE, PEOPLE WITH FUNNY HEAD COVERINGS... THE CHANTING OF FUNDAMENTALIST DOGMA... CALL RETREAT, SIR, THE GREAT HOLY WAR IS UPON US.
AWAY IN A MANGER NO CRIB FOR HIS BED, THE LITTLE LORD JESUS LAID DOWN HIS SWEET HEAD...
LEMME GUESS. THEY PUT A FATWA ON THE DUCK.

Ho ho hooo zeeba neigba...
Come sit on Santa lap. Tell
Santa what you want get
for Kessmas. Santa give to
you anyting.
I'D LIKE A WORLD WHERE I CAN
BE SAFE IN MY OWN BACKYARD.
A WORLD WHERE NO ONE TRIES
TO EAT ME... A WORLD WHERE
I CAN LIVE IN PEACE.
How 'bout nice train?

OKAY, GUYS, EVERYBODY SMILE!
I HATE THESE STUPID CHRISTMAS CARD PHOTOS.
THUD!
OH, BOY! IT'S ONE OF SANTA'S ELVES! I BET HE'S HERE TO PICK UP OUR LISTS FOR SANTA! I GOTTA GET MY LIST FOR SANTA!
UUURRRRP
OH, THAT IS SOOO NOT IN THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS.

WHAT'S THAT THING?
IT'S MY SECURITY MONKEY. LINUS HAD HIS BLUE BLANKET... I HAVE MY TOY MONKEY... WHENEVER SOMEONE MAKES ME FEEL BAD, I JUST TURN ON MY MONKEY AND IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.
Y'KNOW, THAT MIGHT BE CUTE FOR A LITTLE KID, BUT FOR SOMEONE GROWN UP LIKE YOU, THAT'S EMBARRASSING... NOT TO MENTION SAD...
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG

PUSH BUTTON FOR
PUSH
PUSH
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
UH...
NOTHING. I WAS JUST TRYING TO CROSS.
THEN WHAT THE G#$@ ARE YOU BOTHERING ME FOR?
I GOTTA START READING THESE THINGS.

... AND REALLY, YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF, AT THE END OF THE DAY, WHAT DOES IT REALLY MATTER?
I'M SORRY, BUT DID YOU JUST USE THE EXPRESSION "AT THE END OF THE DAY"?
YES. YES, I DID.
WHAM
WHAM
WHAM
I'M GONNA STOP THAT EXPRESSION ONE SPEAKER AT A TIME.

HI... GIMME A SOY MILK CAPPUCCINO.
SORRY... NOT IN THE MOOD.
NOT IN THE MOOD?
YEAH, NOT IN THE MOOD. YOU KNOW, LIKE YOUR WIFE WHEN YOU ASK HER FOR SSSSSS---
SOY MILK CAPPUCCINO.... ON THE HOUSE, SIR.
Mmmph

HEY, GOAT.
WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
I WENT TO A PETRIFIED FOREST. THEY HAVE THESE TREES THAT ARE SO OLD THEY ACTUALLY TURNED TO STONE.
AWWW.
HOW SAD.
WHY IS THAT SAD?
BECAUSE I THINK THAT HAPPENED TO MY GRANDMOTHER.
NEVER MIND.
POOR OL' GRANDMA.

DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE ON A HIGHWAY WITH ONE LANE AND THE SLOW DRIVER IN FRONT OF YOU WON'T PULL OVER, NO MATTER HOW MANY CARS ARE LINED UP BEHIND HIM?
I DO.
WELL, I THINK I'VE FOUND A PRACTICAL SOLUTION. IT'S CALLED 'THE OPEN HIGHWAY FACILITATOR'.
HOW'S IT WORK?
YOU PRETTY MUCH JUST PULL THE TRIGGER.
DO NOT SELL HIM WEAPONS.
HE SAID HE'D BE RESPONSIBLE.

GLADYS SAT ALONE ON A GRASSY HILL, HER JET BLACK HAIR WAVING GENTLY IN THE BREEZE.
BY STEPHAN PASTIS
A TALL, MANLY STRANGER APPROACHED. "I AM BOB," HE SAID, IN A TALL MANLY WAY.
THEIR EYES MET. HER HEART RACED. HER GOOSE PIMPLES GOT GOOSE PIMPLES.
BOB TOOK HER IN HIS MUSCULAR ARMS. THEY KISSED. THEY DID MORE THAN KISS.
IT WAS LOVE. PASSIONATE. FIERCE. WHITE HOT.
AND ON A GLORIOUS MOONLIT NIGHT, THEY WERE WED.
AND SPENT THE NEXT 41 YEARS WATCHING TV IN SEPARATE RECLINERS.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE WRITING ROMANCE NOVELS.
HE GRABBED FOR THE REMOTE. SHE SLAPPED HIS FACE.

THOSE STUPID BIRDS NAILED MY CAR AGAIN.
OH!...THEY DON'T MEAN ANY HARM. THEY'RE JUST BEING BIRDS.
THAT'S WHAT I KEEP TELLING MYSELF, BUT I SWEAR, WITH THE AMOUNT OF TIMES THEY NAIL YOU, YOU'D THINK THEY WERE SOME FRATERNITY TURNING THEIR BIRD-DROPPING SKILL INTO SOME WARPED FRAT GAME.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE PARANOID?
DANG! THAT'S THREE IN A ROW FOR BOB. LOOKS LIKE LARRY HERE'S GOTTA DRINK AGAIN!
I GOTTA WURP...WHUU???
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!

I'M DIVIDING ALL OF HUMANITY INTO TWO LISTS, WHICH I'M CALLING, 'PEOPLE I DON'T LIKE,' AND 'PEOPLE I CAN'T STAND.'
OH, THAT'S VERY CYNICAL, RAT... YOU NEED TO MAKE A THIRD LIST OF PEOPLE YOU LIKE AND GIVE IT A NICE LITTLE TITLE.
HMM... YOU'RE RIGHT...
FUTURE DISAPPOINTMENTS

WELL, I JUST GOT OFF THE
PHONE WITH MY SURGEON. LOOKS LIKE
THEY'LL BE ABLE TO RE-ATTACH
MY DRAWING ARM TOMORROW.
Dat
great!
Yeah. Mebbe
in meantime
we glue on, so
you can draw
streep.
NO NEED. PART
OF BEING A
SYNDICATED
CARTOONIST
MEANS KNOWING
HOW TO DRAW
WITH EITHER HAND!
TELL ME AGAIN
HOW HE
GOT SYNDICATED.

OKAY, GUYS. I CANCELLED YOUR TRIP AROUND THE COUNTRY BECAUSE I CAN'T HAVE YOU OUT THERE SLAMMING "PEARLS" AND EATING FOOD EDITORS.
SO FROM NOW ON, YOU STAY HOME WHERE YOU CAN'T CAUSE ANY MORE PROBLEMS FOR THE STRIP.
OKAY, SEE, NOW THAT'S A PROBLEM.
Say you sorry, Bob.

Hullooow, Meester Pasties....Leesten. Me, Bob and Jimmy decide to veesit newspapers.
I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO DO THAT.
Yes, Me know. But we want spread goodwill wid comeec editors. We go Sacreemennto, Fressno, Modvesto and...Oh...Leetle prabblum in Bakerfeeld.
WHAT HAPPENED IN BAKERSFIELD?!?
Jimmy eat an editor, leaf.
HE WHAT?!?!
Dat was not food maker editor.
He has not made it okay, Jimmy.

Hullo, Meester and Mees Feegawitz. We deed you write letter to paper saying 'Pearls' is ofthensive.
YEAH. WE DID. HOW COME?
Because me agree.
Now 'Beetles Bailey's' DERE'S a funny comic!
DARN RIGHT, SON.
ETHEL!! MORE BEER!!

SIR, GOOD MORNING, SIR. PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY, SIR?
OF COURSE, LITTLE GUARD DUCK.
SIR, TODAY I LOOKED UP AT THE SKY AND SAW SOMETHING SAD.
WHAT WAS IT?
DUCKS, SIR. FLYING, SIR. NO ONE EVER TOLD ME DUCKS COULD FLY, SIR.
YOUR PARENTS DIDN'T TEACH YOU?
I NEVER KNEW MY PARENTS, SIR.
OH, LITTLE GUARD DUCK...
THEY CAN FLY, SIR. I'M A BROKEN DUCK, SIR.
DON'T SAY THAT, LIL' GUARD DUCK. I HELP YOU! YOU'RE MY BUDDY. BUT FIRST WE'RE GONNA CHEER YOU UP! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO? GO TO THE PARK? PLAY SOME FRISBEE? GET SOME ICE CREAM?
FIREBOMB THE JOHNSONS?
ICE CREAM'S GOOD, TOO, SIR.

WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE SIGNING, JOE?
JOE'S ROASTERY CHRISTMAS CARDS. ALL OF US EMPLOYEES SIGN THEM AND THEY SEND THEM TO OUR BEST CUSTOMERS.
DO I HAVE TO SIGN THEM?
'FRAID SO, RAT.
"MERRY
BLAH
BLAH
BLAH
BITE ME."
THAT'S NOT VERY CHRISTMASY.

Hullooo, gud person... Leesten... We unnerstand you write letter to paper complaining of "Pearls in Swine" and praising "Snuffy Smith".
THAT'S RIGHT. I LOVE "SNUFFY SMITH"... AND MY FATHER LOVED "SNUFFY SMITH".
...AND MY FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER'S FATHER LOVED "SNUFFY SMITH." AND MY...