Pearls Before Swine | Search

I HEAR YOU'RE TRYING TO SELL YOUR HOUSE.
YEAH, BUT THE CROCS DON'T WANT ME TO. THEY WANT ME CLOSE WHERE THEY CAN KILL ME.
WHAT SAY DO THEY HAVE AS TO WHETHER YOU SELL YOUR HOUSE ?
Booitful place.
Yeah, nutheeng exorcceesm can't cure.
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.

PSST! PIG. IT'S ME, YOUR DUCK. MY CASTRO DISGUISE FAILED, SO I HAD TO HIDE INSIDE THIS "BOB'S BURGER BOY" STATUE.
LISTEN. YOU NEED TO STOP RUNNING AROUND OUR NEIGHBORHOOD BLOWING UP PEOPLE'S MINIVANS... DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?
GET SOME HELP, SON.

OH, LITTLE GUARD DUCK. YOU'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE. YOU BLEW UP OUR NEIGHBORS' MINIVAN AND NOW THE POLICE ARE LOOKING FOR YOU.
I AM FIDEL CASTRO... I AM NOT THE DUCK.
BUT FIDEL CASTRO SPEAKS SPANISH.
ME NO IS EL DUCKO.

PIG, THIS IS NEIGHBOR BOB. THAT STUPID DUCK OF YOURS HAS DONE IT THIS TIME.. HE BLEW UP MY WIFE'S MINIVAN.
OH NO.
OH YES.. AND THE POLICE GOT A TIP THAT HE'S IN DISGUISE AND PLANNING TO FLEE TO CUBA.. SO IF YOU HEAR ANYTHING, LET US KNOW.
I WILL, NEIGHBOR BOB. I WILL...
HOLA.

HOW WAS YOUR DATE WITH PIGITA LAST NIGHT?
A GIANT HATES ME.
...HANG ON...
HOW COME THAT STUFF NEVER HAPPENS TO "MARY WORTH"?

THE
ADVENTURES
OF
ANGRY BOB
by Rat
ANGRY BOB (with bullhorn):
"OK, girls! Girls!" he shouted
as he approached them from
the dormitory. One girl
slapped one of them on
the bottom.
And heard a man scream.
And heard two
loud pops.
Falling, Bob saw the sign:
*HELP AN ARMED, DEAF,
EASILY-SATIRIZED,
CROSS-DRESSING
MIDGET GO TO
SUMMER CAMP*
NEVER ASSUME.

WHO'S THAT GUY?
THAT'S ANGRY-CLIFF, THE MAN-SHEEP.
THE MAN-SHEEP?
YES, HALF-MAN, HALF-SHEEP. THE MAN PART HAS FREEDOM OF WILL, BUT THE SHEEP PART JUST FOLLOWS THE HERD. THIS CREATES INTERNAL CONFLICT...THUS, THE ANGER.
...DOES THIS STRIP REALLY APPEAR ON THE SAME PAGE AS "HI AND LOIS"?
YES. BUT WE HAVE TO KEEP A CERTAIN DISTANCE.

MR. PRESIDENT, THE WAR
IN IRAQ HAS FORCED US
TO MAKE SACRIFICES AT
HOME. FOR ONE THING,
OUR AIRSPACE STILL
NEEDS TO BE SAFER.
HOW
DO
YOU
FIGURE?
CALL
SOMEONE.

NOW, ZEBRA, IF WE'RE GOING TO SELL YOUR HOUSE, WE NEED TO PRESENT IT IN THE BEST POSSIBLE LIGHT.
BUT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE IDIOT CROCS. THEY'RE RIGHT NEXT DOOR.
I UNDERSTAND... BUT THAT MEANS WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO OUR VERY BEST TO MAKE SURE THAT AT LEAST EVERYTHING ELSE APPEARS NORMAL.
BAD TIME?

ZEBRA? HI. I'M JANIE. I UNDERSTAND YOU NEED A REAL ESTATE AGENT.
YEAH. I'M LOOKING TO SELL MY HOME.
WELL, IT LOOKS TO BE IN GOOD SHAPE... NICE LAWN... HOW ARE YOUR NEIGHBORS?
DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!
WE HAVE ISSUES.

PIG, THE POLICE ARE AT YOUR FRONT DOOR... I GUESS YOUR NEIGHBOR WAS TRYING TO SUNBATHE TOPLESS WHEN SHE SPOTTED SOMEONE LEVITATING OVER HER FENCE.
BUT I WOULD NEVER DO THAT. I DIDN'T STUDY A WHOLE BOOK ON LEVITATION JUST TO USE MY POWERS FOR EVIL... I SWEAR...
DON'T MIND ME.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
LEVITATING AND YOU: A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO LEVITATION.
YOU STUPID FATHEAD... DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN LEARN HOW TO LEVITATE FROM A BOOK?
WELL... NOT FROM CHAPTER ONE... IT'S JUST AN INTRODUCTION.
BUT CHAPTER TWO ROCKS.

DANNY DONKEY HATED HIS NEIGHBORS.
HE HATED HIS DOCTOR, HIS LAWYER AND HIS ACCOUNTANT.
I HATE YOU ALL!
WHY ME, DANNY DONKEY?
HE HATED LEADERS, FOLLOWERS AND AUTHORITY FIGURES.
BUY A HOUSE NEPHEW DONK.
HE HATED REALTORS, REAL ESTATE AGENTS, AND RELATIVES WHO WERE REAL ESTATE AGENTS.
BAN PEOPLE
WHY?
TRY BANNING YOURSELF
BUT NO ONE LISTENED.
SO DANNY HIT THEM WITH HIS SIGN.
SUDDENLY REALIZING THAT THE VALUE OF HIS SIGN WAS NOT IN THE MESSAGE, BUT IN THE STICK TO WHICH IT WAS ATTACHED, DANNY SPENT THE REST OF HIS LIFE HITTING PEOPLE WITH STICKS.
PLEASE STOP WRITING CHILDREN'S BOOKS.
FOOL! I AM A MASTER OF THE GENRE.
WHOA... CHAPTER TWO, DANNY FINDS NEW USES FOR STICKS.

HERE'S YOUR BURGER, AND HERE'S YOUR SALAD.
WHOA WHOA WHOA... WHERE'S THE FRENCH DRESSING?
I DESPISE THIS COMIC STRIP.

PIG! THE COPS ARE HERE! THE DONKEY STOLE ALL THAT BEER AND THE COPS KNOW WE HAVE IT! QUICK! LET'S RAT HIM OUT!
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
WRONG, MORON. PIG'S MY PAL. WE LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER. WE SUPPORT EACH OTHER. YOU'RE JUST A FELONIOUS DONKEY... AND YOU'RE GOING DOWN!
I LOVE HUGS. I LOVE PUPPIES. I LOVE HUGS. I LOVE PUPPIES.
THE PIG DID IT.

WHAT THE...? WHY IS MY "DANNY DONKEY" DOLL SURROUNDED BY BOOZE AND CIGARETTES? WHAT'D YOU DO?
I DIDN'T DO IT.
WELL, I DIDN'T DO IT.
THEN WHO DID?
OH, SURE... BLAME THE STUFFED ANIMAL.

I'M SAD. I JUST GOT THIS LETTER FROM MY MOM AND I THINK SHE SEES ME AS A BIG, FAT FAILURE.
PIG, THAT'S A TERRIBLE THING TO SUGGEST... WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT?
Pig,
You're a big, fat
failure.
Mom
MAYBE I'M READING TOO MUCH INTO IT.

WHAT ARE
YOU READ-
ING?
THE COMPLETE CALVIN
AND HOBBES...GOSH,
I LOVE THIS COMIC
STRIP.
WHAT DO
YOU LIKE
SO MUCH
ABOUT
IT?
THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE
THIS STUFFED ANIMAL WHO
COMES TO LIFE AND IS SO
WISE AND KIND...AND WITH
NEW COMICS SO EDGY AND DARK
THESE DAYS, YOU GOTTA WON-
DER IF WE'LL EVER SEE A
CHARACTER LIKE THAT AGAIN...
UUURRP.

HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN THE PROTOTYPE OF MY NEW "DANNY DONKEY" DOLL?
THE ONE YOU SHOWED ME YESTERDAY THAT SAYS "I ROB LIQUOR STORES"?
YEAH. I HAVE TO SEND IT TO THE FACTORY SO THEY CAN MAKE IT SAY APPROPRIATE THINGS LIKE "I LOVE RAINBOWS."
WELL, IT HAS TO BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE... HOW FAR COULD A CHILDREN'S STUFFED ANIMAL GET?

...AND THE SHELVING CONTINUED TODAY WITH NO APPARENT END IN
...FIRED TWO TEST MISSILES INTO--
THE PLOT, TO BLOW UP TEN COMMERCIAL FLIGHTS BETWEEN--
HAS VOWED TO DESTROY THE NATION OF--
MAY BE WITHIN THREE YEARS OF DEVELOPING A NUCLEAR
HOPE YOU BROUGHT BEER.

HELLO, MA'AM. MAY I INTEREST YOU IN A TALKING "DANNY DONKEY" DOLL? ...IT'S FOR KIDS OF ALL AGES.
WELL, I HAVE A YOUNG KID... WHAT'S IT SAY?
CUTE LIL' THINGS, LIKE "I LOVE HUGS," AND "I LOVE PUPPIES."...PULL THE CORD AND SEE FOR YOURSELF...
I DRINK BEER TO FORGET MY PROBLEMS. I DRINK BEER TO FORGET MY PROBLEMS.
WE'RE GETTING THAT FIXED!
DUDE, AM I LOADED! DUDE, AM I LOADED!
DUDE, AM I LOADED! DUDE, AM I LOADED!

YEAH... WHAT DO YOU WANT?
UHH, RAT. MAY I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?
WHAT IS IT?
LISTEN.. YOU NEED TO START BEING FRIENDLIER WITH CUSTOMERS. AND SMILE MORE. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY PLACE.
YEAH... WHAT DO YOU WANT?
FORGET IT. JUST FORGET IT.
I AM SO *#@% HAPPY IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE.

BEHOLD!! THE PROTOTYPE OF MY "DANNY DONKEY" DOLL, A CUTE L'IL TALKING DOLL I HAD MADE IN CHINA. IT'S FOR KIDS OF ALL AGES.
YAHA IT'S SO HUG-ABLE.
GO AHEAD... PULL THE CORD AND HEAR IT SAY CUTE L'IL THINGS LIKE "I LOVE LICORICE."
WAHAHA I'D LOVE TO.
I ROB LIQUOR STORES. I ROB LIQUOR STORES.
IT APPEARS WE HAVE A TRANSLATION PROBLEM.
THERE'S NO BOOZE LIKE FREE BOOZE. THERE'S NO BOOZE LIKE FREE BOOZE.

Hullooooo, zeeba neighba... Me hear you getting alarm.
THAT'S RIGHT.
Ohhh... Dere no need for dat... We one big family.
YOU TRIED TO KILL ME IN MY SLEEP.
All family have probbums.

HEY... ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO THE WATER PARK?
YEAH, DUDE, BUT I ONLY HAVE TWO TICKETS... YOU’LL HAVE TO AMUSE YOURSELF AT HOME.
WHIRRRRRRRR