Pearls Before Swine | Search

Hullooooo, zeeba neighba... Leesten... Me need leetle help.
Why do you have a wood chipper on your front lawn?
Ohh, dat? Me just doing leetle yard work. But leesten, me tink me lose contakk lens.
Where'd you use it?
Me tink it at back of machine. But me no can reach.
Gosh, you know, my arms just aren't long enough. Guess I won't be able to find—
Hey! Me got long arms! Me can find!
Does you find it?

HEY, GOAT... GREAT NEWS! I’VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF TRACKING YOUR BLOG HITS AND THERE’S BEEN A TREMENDOUS UPTICK!
GO AWAY, RAT.
YOU SEE, ON MONDAY, THERE WAS ONE HIT... THAT WAS ME. ON TUESDAY, THERE WAS ONE HIT... THAT WAS ALSO ME. BUT ON WEDNESDAY - LOOK OUT, MAMA - WE HAD A SURGE!! TWO HITS!! WOO HOO HOOOOOO!!!
OHHHH... WAIT WAIT WAIT... THAT WAS THE DAY MY BROWSER SHUT DOWN AND I HAD TO LOG BACK ON.
... MIND REIMBURSING ME FOR THE BALLOONS?

SO WHAT DO ALL THESE LITTLE MEERKATS DO?
WELL GOAT SAYS THE ONE KEEPS WATCH WHILE THE REST OF THEM DIG UNDERGROUND TUNNELS.
AWW... HOW CUTE... WOULDN'T YOU LOVE TO KNOW WHAT MOTIVATES AN INDUSTRIOUS LIL' GUY LIKE THAT?
... AND REMEMBER, YOU NEVER MET ME.
GRACIAS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CALLING MY BOOKIE. I'M TAKING THE FORTY-NINERS AND THREE POINTS.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS ILLEGAL.
IT IS... BUT THESE GUYS HAVE BEEN RUNNING THEIR OPERATION FOR YEARS.

AREN'T THESE MEERKATS AMAZING? ONE OF THEM ALWAYS KEEPS WATCH WHILE THE REST OF THEM SCURRY ABOUT IN THEIR UNDERGROUND TUNNELS.
THAT'S SO CUTE.. I WONDER WHAT THE REST OF THEM DO DOWN THERE WHILE HE KEEPS WATCH?

I HEAR YOU GOT A JOB WRITING ADS FOR A DOORKNOB COMPANY.
YEP. CHECK OUT THIS ONE.
"BUY OUR DOORKNOBS OR WE'LL BREAK YOUR G&@%#*# KNEES."
THAT'S CALLED EXTORTION.
IT'S A FINE LINE.

I GOT A JOB WRITING ADS FOR A DOORKNOB COMPANY. I JUST WROTE MY FIRST ONE.
LET ME HEAR IT.
"IF YOU DON'T BUY OUR DOORKNOBS, GOD WON'T LOVE YOU, AND YOU'LL PROBABLY GO TO HELL."
ETERNAL CONDEMNATION IS THE KEY TO SELLING DOORKNOBS.

Danny Donkey walked to school.
Danny Donkey saw Bob.
Bob called Danny a name.
MORON!
Danny punched Bob.
Principal Jack saw Danny punch Bob.
Danny went to detention.
Is this the children's book you've been working on?
Yes. I show foolish behavior and hope kids learn from it.
AND THE LESSON HERE IS THAT TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT?
Close.
Only punch Bob when the principal is distracted.
BUH BYE
YOU MAY BE SENDING THE WRONG MESSAGE.
WRITE YOUR OWN CHILDREN'S BOOK.

Hello. I am Chi Chi Perón, preacher to the stars. I have been put here on earth to judge and condemn others.
What are you doing, Rat?
I just told you, my son. I am Chi Chi Perón, and through these headphones, I can hear the voice of God.
Knock it off, Rat. If God was gonna speak through someone, it wouldn’t be you.
… God says you’re a big dumb idiot and that you should shut up.
Tell him to send me a sign, like maybe a burning rat.

HELLO. I AM CHI CHI PERÓN, PREACHER TO THE STARS. I HAVE BEEN PUT HERE ON EARTH TO JUDGE AND CONDEM OTHERS.
LEAVE ME ALONE, RAT...
THROUGH THESE STATE-OF-THE-ART HEADPHONES, I RECEIVE DIVINE GUIDANCE AS TO WHO SHALL BE CONDEMNED TO A LIFE OF ETERNAL TORMENT.
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR G@#%* MIND?
...I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?
THREE PACKAGES OF BACON.
WHO CARES ABOUT THE STUPID BACON? I'M TALKING ABOUT THAT.
OH, THIS? IT'S A MAGIC LAMP.
DUDE...A MAGIC LAMP?? RUB IT, AND WE'LL MAKE THREE WISHES AND HAVE ANYTHING WE WANT IN THE WORLD!
HOPE YOU LIKE BACON.

SIR, BAD NEWS, SIR... THE POLLS ARE IN, AND 74 PERCENT OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD DISAPPROVES OF ME.
THAT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME, L'IL GUARD DUCK. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO, DON'T YOU?
THREATEN AND INTIMIDATE 74 PERCENT OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD?
I'VE GUESSED WRONG, HAVEN'T I, SIR?

Dear Pigita,
I love you. You
Are smart. You are
beautiful. I am so
lucky to have you
for a girlfriend.
YOU STUPID PIG. GIRLS DON'T
LIKE NICE GUYS. THEY GO FOR
THE BAD BOYS. THE REBELS.
GUYS WHO ARE RECKLESS
AND UNCARING...
P.S. Today I left
the twisty
off the
Wonder Bread.

SOCIOLOGY 101:
Midterm Essay Exam
Identify the root causes of poverty.
Lack of moneys.
Dat was easy.

HEY RAT.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, TOM RICHMOND.
HE'S PROBABLY THE BEST CARICATURIST IN THE COUNTRY.
PLEASE, DUDE.
ALL THOSE GUYS DO IS EXAGGERATE SOMEBODY'S FEATURES.
I CAN DO THAT.
OH, YEAH?
HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU BOTH DRAW, SAY UH, BARBRA STREISAND AND WE'LL SEE WHOSE WORK IS BETTER.
FINE... PREPARE TO LOSE, MUSTACHIO.
DRAW
DRAW
DRAW
DRAW
DRAW
TIME'S UP.
LET'S SEE YOURS, TOM.
WOW. AMAZING.
TERRIFIC!
LET'S SEE YOURS NOW, RAT...
LOOKS LIKE A TIE.

THE CROCS ATTEND COLLEGE
AND SO, IN CONCLUSION, THE GREEN LIGHT ON DAISY'S DOCK SYMBOLIZED A DREAM UNFULFILLED, A TANGIBLE REMINDER OF THE IMPOSSIBILITY OF GATSBY'S ASPIRATION.
A SUPERB ESSAY, MR. VEGANU!
AND WHY DON'T WE GO NEXT TO THE YOUNG FELLOW NEXT TO YOU.. SIR, LET'S HEAR YOUR ESSAY ON GATSBY'S CONCLUSION AS WELL AS ITS SIGNIFICANCE AND HOW IT ALL TIES IN TO FITZGERALD'S USE OF COLOR SYMBOLISM.
"GREEN IS MY FAVORITEST COLOR."
Peese drive home safely.

Dear Croc Brudder,
Too morrow me have test.
Me no study. Me no reed. Me no stay wake in class. But me got Plan "B".
Hope teecher hit by bus

SIR, GOOD MORNING SIR. AT APPROX- IMATELY 2230 LAST NIGHT, ONE OF THE FOGGINI KIDS THREW A PROJECTILE AT OUR BASE.
WHAT DID THEY THROW ??
THIS, SIR... FORTU- NATELY, IT LANDED ON SOFT GRASS AND DID NOT BREAK..
BUT IT'S JUST AN EGG..
SIR, I'M A DUCK, SIR. THIS COULD BE KIDS'KIN. YOU DON'T SEE ME THROWING PREG- NANT ITALIAN WOMEN AT THEIR PORCH, DO YOU ?!?
WHOA WHOA WHOA.. TAKE IT EEEEASY, L'IL GUARD DUCK.
THANK YOU, SIR.. BUT I CAN DO WITHOUT THE MAN HUG.

SIR... THE SMITTYS PARKED THEIR CAR IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSE AGAIN..

IS THAT BAD?

YESSIR... IN A NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN GRASSES, IT'S GENERALLY CONSIDERED RUDE TO CONTINUALLY PARK YOUR CAR IN FRONT OF YOUR NEIGHBORS HOUSE.

THEN LEAVE A LITTLE REMINDER ON THEIR WINDSHIELD.

DEFINE 'REMINDER'.

THE CROCS ATTEND COLLEGE
... AND THAT, SIR, IS WHAT I BELIEVE ENGELS MEANT BY EGALITARIANISM.
VERY PROVOCATIVE, MR. TRIPODES. I SEE YOU'VE STUDIED HARD.
WHY DON'T WE GET SOMEONE ELSE INVOLVED HERE? ... HOW 'BOUT YOU, SIR? WHAT DO YOU THINK ENGELS MEANT BY EGALITARIANISM?
What time recess?

THE CROCS ARE GOING TO COLLEGE.
WHAT FOR?
TO GET SMARTER.
COLLEGE LECTURES DO NOT MAKE YOU SMARTER.
THEN WHAT'S THEIR EFFECT?
ZZZZZZZZZZ

Rat's Travel Guide to the World's Great Cities
Chapter 2: Calcutta
PROS
Warm.
Cheap.
Not too touristy.
CONS
Burgers: Hard to find.
Cockiest.
Cows.
Ever.

I'M NOT GOING IN LIKE THIS, MOM.
HUSH, SWEETIE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
RESEARCHING TRIPS TO THE SOUTH POLE... I'M THINKING ABOUT VISITING MY PAL, OLLIE THE PENGUIN. HE'S THE ONE WITH THE OVERPROTECTIVE MOM.
BUT ALL THOSE STUPID PENGUINS LOOK ALIKE... HOW WOULD YOU EVEN FIND HIM?

THIS RULE REQUIRING ALL COMICS TO MAKE THEIR CHARACTERS THE AGE THEY SHOULD REALLY BE HAS GOT TO GO.
IT ENDS TOMORROW! THEY JUST ANNOUNCED IT.
OH, GOOD... BECAUSE READING MY FAVORITE STRIP, "BLONDIE," JUST WASN'T THE SAME.
BUMSTEAD
R.I.P.
BUMSTEAD
R.I.P.
DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA EAT THAT WHOLE SANDWICH!