Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT'S GOING ON, RAT?
SVEN THE VIKING IS RESIGNING FROM VIKINGDOM. IT'S HIS FAREWELL CEREMONY.
GOODBYE, SVEN, YE OF THE WIDE STANCE... YOU HAVE SHAMED VIKINGS EVERYWHERE... BE GONE WITH YE.
AS YE WISH, OLAF. BUT IT'S A LONG JOURNEY... MAY I USE THE FACILITIES FIRST?
I SUPPOSE.
WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER
NO, YOU MAY NOT TAKE ALONG A BATHROOM BUDDY.

GOOD MORNING... I AM RAT. I HAVE BEEN RETAINED BY SVEN THE VIKING IN THIS MATTER.
MY CLIENT IS INNOCENT! INNOCENT! INNOCENT! INNOCENT!
WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER
PST
MY CLIENT INFORMS ME THAT HE HAS IN FACT PLED GUILTY.
WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER
I HAVE INFORMED MY CLIENT THAT HE HAS THE BRAINS OF A SEA SQUIRREL.

EXCUSE ME, SIR... IS THIS YOUR VIKING?
YES, OFFICER. WHAT'S GOING ON?
I CAUGHT HIM IN THE BATHROOM STALL TRYING TO RUB HIS FOOT AGAINST MINE.
I HAVE A WIDE STANCE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M FLYING TO A BIG CONVENTION THINGIE AND I'M TAKING ALONG MY VIKING FIGURINES.
TAKING YOUR VIKINGS, HUH? WHAT IS IT, A GUN SHOW? KNIFE SHOW?
LILAC FESTIVAL.
THERE'S A GUY WHO DOESN'T LIKE LILACS.

Danny Donkey hated people.
He made him wait at the supermarket.
He made him wait at the video store.
They made him wait in line at the amusement park.
So Danny Donkey cut the line.
Cut the line at the supermarket.
Cut the line at the amusement park.
Cut the line at the video store.
Why, Danny Donkey cut every line he could find.
But for everything we do, there are consequences. And this was no exception.
For as a result of all his line-cutting, Danny Donkey saw that he had become something he had never been before.
Happy.
YOU ARE NOT PUTTING THIS IN A BOOK FOR CHILDREN.
SO, REMEMBER, KIDS, NEVER WAIT YOUR TURN!
WOW! WHAT A TIME-SAVER!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, RAT?
I'M PERFORMING A PUBLIC SERVICE.. THE WORLD CRIES OUT FOR ME.
YOU CANNOT INCREASE THE SIZE OF SOMEONE'S BRAIN.
OH, YOU CAN'T, HUH?.. WELL, LISTEN TO THIS TESTIMONIAL.
I FEEL SMARTERER THAN EVERER!

Hi. Welcome to 'Dullard' Computer's Tech Support Voice-Recognition System. Please state the problem you're having.
MY COMPUTER WON'T BOOT UP.
I'm sorry. I didn't get that. Please say your problem again.
MY COMPUTER… WON'T… BOOT...
Great. So your pooter won't toot. Let's see how we can help.
YOU LITTLE GREK#$@!%&...

HELLO... WELCOME TO "DULLARD COMPUTER TECH SUPPORT... PLEASE STAY ON THE LINE.. YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US...
SO IMPORTANT, IN FACT, THAT WE'LL KEEP YOU ON HOLD FOR FOUR HOURS INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY HIRING PEOPLE WHO COULD TAKE YOUR CALL.
AAAAUGHH!!
OH!! YOU SAD POWERLESS LITTLE TROLL...

Where is you running, Floyd?
Secret Agent Cat leave us special message! Me tink it say he keel zeeba.
Where he leave special message?!
He bury right here...
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
DIG
Dat not very special.

Pssst... Cat...
Ees crocs...
Does you keel zeeba?
Hssssssssssss
Me popped heem.

LEMME MAKE SURE I UNDERSTAND. YOU MORONS ADOPTED A MEAN CAT TO KILL THE ZEBRA, BUT THE CAT TURNED OUT TO LIKE THE ZEBRA.
Peese shut mouf, Woonum. You no unnerstan nutting.
OH, TELL ME, LARRY... WHAT AM I MISSING?
Cat VEESHUS... Once eenside zeeba house, cat will keel heem! KEEL heem! KEEL heem! PURRR PURRR PURRR ZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZ

THANKS AGAIN FOR ADOPTING THIS CAT... NOT EVERY PERSON THAT COMES IN HERE ASKS FOR THE CAT THAT SCRATCHES AND BITES THE MOST.
OH... EES NO PROBBUM. WE NICE GUY.
HEY...WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING WITH A--
KEEL ZEEBA
REEP TO SHRED
AWWWWW...CUTIE 'LIL GUY...
KEEL HEEM
TEAR OFF HEAD
HOW 'BOUT I GET YOU SOME MILK.
KEEL HEEM
END ZEEBA LIFE
CAT MUST HAVE SECRET PLAN.

RAT, JUSTICE OF THE PEACE
BEFORE I JOIN THIS YOUNG COUPLE IN HOLY MATRIMONY, I'D LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS TO THE LOVELY BRIDE AND HER GROOM ABOUT THIS THEIR SPECIAL DAY...
EACH OF YOU COULD HAVE DONE MUCH, MUCH BETTER.
YOUR MOTHERS MADE ME SAY THAT.

RAT ACTS AS JUSTICE OF THE PEACE.
AND NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE A DOVE, WHICH REPRESENTS THE PEACE AND HARMONY YOU TWO WILL EXPERIENCE TOGETHER.
AND BOB THE ELEPHANT, WHO REPRESENTS THE PROBLEMS.
NO SUDDEN MOVES. BOB'S JUMPY.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE GOT A JUSTICE OF THE PEACE LICENSE... HE'S GONNA PERFORM WEDDINGS.
A CYNIC LIKE HIM?... THAT'S PROBABLY NOT A GOOD IDEA.
OHH, HE'LL BE FINE.
AND REMEMBER, 'GROOM' RHYMES WITH 'DOOM.'

WELL, GOODBYE, MOM... I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I LOVE YOU... AND EVEN THOUGH A LOT OF WHAT YOU SAY IS FILLED WITH SUBTLE CRITICISM, I KNOW YOU DON'T MEAN IT.
I LOVE YOU TOO, SON... I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING.
DID YOU SHOWER?

SON, TALK TO YOUR UNCLE... HE HASN'T SEEN YOU IN TWELVE YEARS...
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY... I DON'T UNDERSTAND HIM.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HIM?
HE'S... HE'S CHANGED. HE'S JUST A GOAT. HE EATS GRASS. HE WALKS ON ALL FOURS.
OH, SON... HE DIDN'T CHANGE... YOU DID.
AND NOT FOR THE BETTER, SAYS YOUR PEEVED UNCLE TED.

GOAT RETURNS HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWELVE YEARS
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, SON, BUT I INVITED OVER SOME OF YOUR RELATIVES... THEY'RE IN THE BACKYARD...
YOU DID? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? WE HAVE SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT... SO MUCH CATCHING UP TO DO...
BAAA-AA
SOMEBODY'S CHANGED, MA..
DON'T BE RUDE, SON... SAY HELLO.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
HEY YOU... PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR KID.
BLAH BLAH BLAH
WHAT KIND OF DAD COMES ALL THE WAY TO THE PARK WITH HIS LITTLE GIRL AND THEN SPENDS HALF THE TIME ON HIS CELL PHONE?... WHAT'S THAT TEACHING YOUR KID?
THAT'S NOT MY KID.
LET'S GO, SWEETIE... I DON'T WANT YOU EXPOSED TO... WHATEVER...
WHAT'S THAT TEACHING KIDS?

LIKE MOTHER TERESA, I HAVE FOUND A PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE.
THAT'S WONDERFUL! WHAT IS IT?
I AM GOING TO FIND EVERY IDIOT WHO'S EVER POSED FOR A PHOTO BY RESTING HIS CHIN ON THE BACK OF HIS HAND AND BEAT HIM WITH THIS CUCUMBER.
HEY, GUYS, LOOK! I JUST GOT MY PHOTO TAKEN, AND BOY, DO I LOOK THOUGHTFUL!
I'M SENSING A CUCUMBER MOMENT.
RUN, PIG. RUN.

SO, SON, HOW'S YOUR WORK?
FINE, MA. I'VE BEEN IN THE COMIC STRIP FIVE YEARS NOW. DO YOU STILL READ IT?
YES, BUT I DON'T ALWAYS UNDERSTAND IT. AND WHY DO THEY CALL YOU 'GOAT'? YOUR NAME IS 'PARIS.'
I KNOW, MA. IT'S JUST A STAGE NAME.
WELL, IT'S A DUMB NAME IF YOU ASK ME. AND WHY DO THEY GIVE ALL THE JOKES TO THAT PIG? CAN'T YOU SAY FUNNY LINES?
HOW 'BOUT WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, MA.?
SURE.
HOW COME YOU DON'T VISIT MORE OFTEN?

GOAT RETURNS HOME TO SEE HIS FAMILY.
OH, SON... WE HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON... BUT FIRST, EAT... EAT... YOU'RE MUCH TOO SKINNY... NOW HERE'S SOME--
SWEETHEART, YOU'VE BARELY TOUCHED YOUR FISH... IS THAT ALL YOU'RE GONNA EAT?
UM FUH, MAH.
FUL... ALREADY?

GOAT RETURNS HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWELVE YEARS
MOM!
SON!
THUD
BAG O' GUILT
YOU COULDN'T EVEN WAIT 'TIL I GOT IN THE FRONT DOOR?
NOPE.

GOAT FLIES HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWELVE YEARS
I'M SO NERVOUS... I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS... LIKE WHAT IF MY FAMILY'S CHANGED?...
...OR WHAT IF I'VE CHANGED? ...OR WHAT IF I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO THEM?...
...OR WHAT IF I SUFFOCATE BETWEEN TWO FAT GUYS IN COACH?
MOVE THE SNOUT, PAL. YOU'RE CROWDING MY ELBOW.

WELL, GUYS, I'M OFF.
WHERE TO?
FLYING HOME TO SEE MY FAMILY AND MY RELATIVES. I HAVEN'T BEEN HOME IN TWELVE YEARS.
HOW LONG YOU STAYING?
FORTY-FIVE MINUTES.
I DON'T LIKE TO PUSH MY LUCK.