Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'M SAD. I JUST GOT THIS LETTER FROM MY MOM AND I THINK SHE SEES ME AS A BIG, FAT FAILURE.
PIG, THAT'S A TERRIBLE THING TO SUGGEST... WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT?
Pig,
You're a big, fat
failure.
Mom
MAYBE I'M READING TOO MUCH INTO IT.

WHAT ARE
YOU READ-
ING?
THE COMPLETE CALVIN
AND HOBBES...GOSH,
I LOVE THIS COMIC
STRIP.
WHAT DO
YOU LIKE
SO MUCH
ABOUT
IT?
THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE
THIS STUFFED ANIMAL WHO
COMES TO LIFE AND IS SO
WISE AND KIND...AND WITH
NEW COMICS SO EDGY AND DARK
THESE DAYS, YOU GOTTA WON-
DER IF WE'LL EVER SEE A
CHARACTER LIKE THAT AGAIN...
UUURRP.

HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN THE PROTOTYPE OF MY NEW "DANNY DONKEY" DOLL?
THE ONE YOU SHOWED ME YESTERDAY THAT SAYS "I ROB LIQUOR STORES"?
YEAH. I HAVE TO SEND IT TO THE FACTORY SO THEY CAN MAKE IT SAY APPROPRIATE THINGS LIKE "I LOVE RAINBOWS."
WELL, IT HAS TO BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE... HOW FAR COULD A CHILDREN'S STUFFED ANIMAL GET?

...AND THE SHELVING CONTINUED TODAY WITH NO APPARENT END IN
...FIRED TWO TEST MISSILES INTO--
THE PLOT, TO BLOW UP TEN COMMERCIAL FLIGHTS BETWEEN--
HAS VOWED TO DESTROY THE NATION OF--
MAY BE WITHIN THREE YEARS OF DEVELOPING A NUCLEAR
HOPE YOU BROUGHT BEER.

HELLO, MA'AM. MAY I INTEREST YOU IN A TALKING "DANNY DONKEY" DOLL? ...IT'S FOR KIDS OF ALL AGES.
WELL, I HAVE A YOUNG KID... WHAT'S IT SAY?
CUTE LIL' THINGS, LIKE "I LOVE HUGS," AND "I LOVE PUPPIES."...PULL THE CORD AND SEE FOR YOURSELF...
I DRINK BEER TO FORGET MY PROBLEMS. I DRINK BEER TO FORGET MY PROBLEMS.
WE'RE GETTING THAT FIXED!
DUDE, AM I LOADED! DUDE, AM I LOADED!
DUDE, AM I LOADED! DUDE, AM I LOADED!

YEAH... WHAT DO YOU WANT?
UHH, RAT. MAY I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?
WHAT IS IT?
LISTEN.. YOU NEED TO START BEING FRIENDLIER WITH CUSTOMERS. AND SMILE MORE. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY PLACE.
YEAH... WHAT DO YOU WANT?
FORGET IT. JUST FORGET IT.
I AM SO *#@% HAPPY IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE.

BEHOLD!! THE PROTOTYPE OF MY "DANNY DONKEY" DOLL, A CUTE L'IL TALKING DOLL I HAD MADE IN CHINA. IT'S FOR KIDS OF ALL AGES.
YAHA IT'S SO HUG-ABLE.
GO AHEAD... PULL THE CORD AND HEAR IT SAY CUTE L'IL THINGS LIKE "I LOVE LICORICE."
WAHAHA I'D LOVE TO.
I ROB LIQUOR STORES. I ROB LIQUOR STORES.
IT APPEARS WE HAVE A TRANSLATION PROBLEM.
THERE'S NO BOOZE LIKE FREE BOOZE. THERE'S NO BOOZE LIKE FREE BOOZE.

Hullooooo, zeeba neighba... Me hear you getting alarm.
THAT'S RIGHT.
Ohhh... Dere no need for dat... We one big family.
YOU TRIED TO KILL ME IN MY SLEEP.
All family have probbums.

HEY... ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO THE WATER PARK?
YEAH, DUDE, BUT I ONLY HAVE TWO TICKETS... YOU’LL HAVE TO AMUSE YOURSELF AT HOME.
WHIRRRRRRRR

HI..GIMME A DOUBLE DECAF LATTE.
NO.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "NO"?
I'M ON BREAK.
WHAT TIME'S YOUR BREAK END?
4:30.
IT'S 9:15.
SWEET.
MAY I HAVE A WORD?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I JUST GOT A FAX FROM ZEBRA BUT DON'T TOUCH IT... HE'S GOT A COLD.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HIS GERMS ARE PROBABLY ON IT.
PIG... WHEN SOMEONE SENDS YOU A FAX, THEY'RE NOT SENDING YOU THE ACTUAL PIECE OF PAPER THEY WERE HOLDING.
YES THEY ARE.
THEN HOW COME WHEN YOU SEND A FAX, THE EXACT PAPER YOU SENT COMES OUT AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR MACHINE.
THAT'S A COPY. THE ORIGINAL FILES MAGICALLY GO TO ZEBRA.
OH, BRILLIANT. THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHOVE A HAM SANDWICH IN THERE? THAT WAY, ZEBRA'D GET ONE, AND YOU'D GET A FAX, YOU STUPID $#%@&% PIG!!!!!
HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA. DON'T BE SILLY. HEAD!
D'YOU GET IT?

HI, THERE, RAT... MIND IF MY FRIEND, BOB, JOINS US FOR LUNCH TODAY? HE SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
IS HE THAT GUY YOU SAID WAS THE VICTIM OF IDENTITY THEFT?
YEAH... IT'S BEEN TOUGH FOR HIM.
OH, YEAH? HOW BIG OF A DEAL IS IT?
IT'S BIG.
HI, BOB.
BUMMER, DUDE.

MOTHER... IS THERE ANY POSSIBILITY THAT I WAS SWITCHED AT BIRTH... i.e. THAT MY FATHER'S NOT MY FATHER?
NO, SON.
WHAT A BONE-CRUSHING BLOW TO MY PROSPECTS THAT IS.
NO OFFENSE, POPS.
OhhhhhKay...
Say again, but slooooowly.

LOOK, FATHER, THIS IS A PHOTO OF A CHICKEN RANCH. SEE HOW INHUMANE THE RANCHERS ARE?
Son son son... You sooo confused... We muss keel cheeckens
WHY, FATHER? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WE DIDN'T?
Dey keel us.
TELL ME I'M ADOPTED.

What is you doing, son?
READING ABOUT THE DANGERS OF EATING MEAT.
Reading big waste of time, son. Me no read. Look how smart me is.
GUESS WE CAN’T ALL BE BORN GENIUSES, POPS.
Dat gud point. Me special case.

Goodbye, woomun. Me off try keel Zeeba.
FATHER, HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT THE ZEBRA MIGHT HAVE HIS OWN FAMILY? A FAMILY THAT WOULD MISS HIM IF HE WERE GONE?
Mebbe he using drugs.

Huloooooo, zeeba neighba…
Leesten…This my son. My hope is that he future killer of you.
Father, you know that I've given it a lot of thought and that I’ve decided the most ethical thing for me to do is to become a vegetarian.
He a beeg disappointment.

HEY HEY HEY WHO ARE YOU GUYS?
WE'RE FROM STARBUCKS. WE'RE OPENING A CAFE IN YOUR LIVING ROOM.
WHOA WHOA WHOA. YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
OH REALLY? WHO'S GONNA STOP US?
THE COPS. I'LL CALL THE COPS.
THEIR STATION'S RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET.
LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW.
IT'S A STARBUCKS.
MAYBE THEY'LL STILL HELP US HERE.
HEY, FELLAS! 'MIND? I'M TRYING TO GET A LATTE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M LOOKING TO THE HEAVENS FOR ANSWERS TO LIFE'S DEEPEST MYSTERIES.
AND WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND?
THAT MOSQUITOS LIKE TO BITE MY RUMPIUS.
I WAS HOPING FOR SOMETHING MORE PROFOUND.

GOODNIGHT, DAD.
Does you say you prayers?
NOT YET, DAD.
Okay. Let say togedder.
"Now me lay me down to sleep,
Mow da zeebas down like sheep.
Give dem to me nice and dead.
Me no happy 'Til me fed."
Goodnight, son.
I LOVE YOU, DAD.

HEY THERE, GOAT... LISTEN... ARE YOU A "YANKEES" FAN?
NO. WHY?
OH, IT WAS JUST THAT YOU AND YOUR BLOG REMINDED ME OF ALEX RODRIGUEZ YESTERDAY.
HOW SO?
NEITHER OF YOU GOT ANY HITS.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LOOK SO UPSET?

SIR, GOOD MORNING, SIR. AT APPROXIMATELY 0300 LAST NIGHT, THREE TEENS IN A CAMARO THREW SOME LIT PICCOLO PETES INTO OUR TULIP BED.
AREN'T THOSE JUST FIREWORKS ?
SIR, THESE THINGS CAN ESCALATE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW ?
I ESCALATE THEM.

HI.. GIMME A TALL DECAF.
ROOM FOR CREAM?
YEAH.
HERE.
IT'S EMPTY.
HOPE YOU LIKE CREAM.

DID YOU PUT
UP THESE "LOST"
POSTERS ALL
OVER OUR CAFE'S
BULLETIN BOARD?
YES, SIR, I DID.
IT IS A COMMUNITY
SERVICE. HELPS
PEOPLE FIND THEIR
LOST DOGS, CATS.
WHY? IS THERE
A PROBLEM?
"LOST... MY BOSS' SOUL... SUCKED AWAY BY CORPORATE GREED."
YOU TAKE EVERYTHING
SO PERSONAL.

Hullooooo, zeeba neighba... Leesten... Me need leetle help.
Why do you have a wood chipper on your front lawn?
Ohh, dat? Me just doing leetle yard work. But leesten, me tink me lose contakk lens.
Where'd you use it?
Me tink it at back of machine. But me no can reach.
Gosh, you know, my arms just aren't long enough. Guess I won't be able to find—
Hey! Me got long arms! Me can find!
Does you find it?