Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear Pigita,
I love you. You
Are smart. You are
beautiful. I am so
lucky to have you
for a girlfriend.
YOU STUPID PIG. GIRLS DON'T
LIKE NICE GUYS. THEY GO FOR
THE BAD BOYS. THE REBELS.
GUYS WHO ARE RECKLESS
AND UNCARING...
P.S. Today I left
the twisty
off the
Wonder Bread.

SOCIOLOGY 101:
Midterm Essay Exam
Identify the root causes of poverty.
Lack of moneys.
Dat was easy.

HEY RAT.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, TOM RICHMOND.
HE'S PROBABLY THE BEST CARICATURIST IN THE COUNTRY.
PLEASE, DUDE.
ALL THOSE GUYS DO IS EXAGGERATE SOMEBODY'S FEATURES.
I CAN DO THAT.
OH, YEAH?
HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU BOTH DRAW, SAY UH, BARBRA STREISAND AND WE'LL SEE WHOSE WORK IS BETTER.
FINE... PREPARE TO LOSE, MUSTACHIO.
DRAW
DRAW
DRAW
DRAW
DRAW
TIME'S UP.
LET'S SEE YOURS, TOM.
WOW. AMAZING.
TERRIFIC!
LET'S SEE YOURS NOW, RAT...
LOOKS LIKE A TIE.

THE CROCS ATTEND COLLEGE
AND SO, IN CONCLUSION, THE GREEN LIGHT ON DAISY'S DOCK SYMBOLIZED A DREAM UNFULFILLED, A TANGIBLE REMINDER OF THE IMPOSSIBILITY OF GATSBY'S ASPIRATION.
A SUPERB ESSAY, MR. VEGANU!
AND WHY DON'T WE GO NEXT TO THE YOUNG FELLOW NEXT TO YOU.. SIR, LET'S HEAR YOUR ESSAY ON GATSBY'S CONCLUSION AS WELL AS ITS SIGNIFICANCE AND HOW IT ALL TIES IN TO FITZGERALD'S USE OF COLOR SYMBOLISM.
"GREEN IS MY FAVORITEST COLOR."
Peese drive home safely.

Dear Croc Brudder,
Too morrow me have test.
Me no study. Me no reed. Me no stay wake in class. But me got Plan "B".
Hope teecher hit by bus

SIR, GOOD MORNING SIR. AT APPROX- IMATELY 2230 LAST NIGHT, ONE OF THE FOGGINI KIDS THREW A PROJECTILE AT OUR BASE.
WHAT DID THEY THROW ??
THIS, SIR... FORTU- NATELY, IT LANDED ON SOFT GRASS AND DID NOT BREAK..
BUT IT'S JUST AN EGG..
SIR, I'M A DUCK, SIR. THIS COULD BE KIDS'KIN. YOU DON'T SEE ME THROWING PREG- NANT ITALIAN WOMEN AT THEIR PORCH, DO YOU ?!?
WHOA WHOA WHOA.. TAKE IT EEEEASY, L'IL GUARD DUCK.
THANK YOU, SIR.. BUT I CAN DO WITHOUT THE MAN HUG.

SIR... THE SMITTYS PARKED THEIR CAR IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSE AGAIN..

IS THAT BAD?

YESSIR... IN A NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN GRASSES, IT'S GENERALLY CONSIDERED RUDE TO CONTINUALLY PARK YOUR CAR IN FRONT OF YOUR NEIGHBORS HOUSE.

THEN LEAVE A LITTLE REMINDER ON THEIR WINDSHIELD.

DEFINE 'REMINDER'.

THE CROCS ATTEND COLLEGE
... AND THAT, SIR, IS WHAT I BELIEVE ENGELS MEANT BY EGALITARIANISM.
VERY PROVOCATIVE, MR. TRIPODES. I SEE YOU'VE STUDIED HARD.
WHY DON'T WE GET SOMEONE ELSE INVOLVED HERE? ... HOW 'BOUT YOU, SIR? WHAT DO YOU THINK ENGELS MEANT BY EGALITARIANISM?
What time recess?

THE CROCS ARE GOING TO COLLEGE.
WHAT FOR?
TO GET SMARTER.
COLLEGE LECTURES DO NOT MAKE YOU SMARTER.
THEN WHAT'S THEIR EFFECT?
ZZZZZZZZZZ

Rat's Travel Guide to the World's Great Cities
Chapter 2: Calcutta
PROS
Warm.
Cheap.
Not too touristy.
CONS
Burgers: Hard to find.
Cockiest.
Cows.
Ever.

I'M NOT GOING IN LIKE THIS, MOM.
HUSH, SWEETIE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
RESEARCHING TRIPS TO THE SOUTH POLE... I'M THINKING ABOUT VISITING MY PAL, OLLIE THE PENGUIN. HE'S THE ONE WITH THE OVERPROTECTIVE MOM.
BUT ALL THOSE STUPID PENGUINS LOOK ALIKE... HOW WOULD YOU EVEN FIND HIM?

THIS RULE REQUIRING ALL COMICS TO MAKE THEIR CHARACTERS THE AGE THEY SHOULD REALLY BE HAS GOT TO GO.
IT ENDS TOMORROW! THEY JUST ANNOUNCED IT.
OH, GOOD... BECAUSE READING MY FAVORITE STRIP, "BLONDIE," JUST WASN'T THE SAME.
BUMSTEAD
R.I.P.
BUMSTEAD
R.I.P.
DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA EAT THAT WHOLE SANDWICH!

I GUESS THE CREATORS OF "FAMILY CIRCUS" DECIDED IT WAS JUST TOO RIDICULOUS TO HAVE 50-YEAR-OLD "KIDS" PLAYING WITH TOYS.
SO WHAT ARE THEY DOING NOW?
THEY'RE GIVING ALL THE NOW GROWN-UP KIDS ADULT-ORIENTED LIVES. BUT I DON'T KNOW... I THINK IT LOSES SOME OF ITS CHARM.
"And remember... No telling Mommy I shot my probation officer"

THIS NEW RULE ABOUT COMIC STRIPS HAVING TO AGE THEIR CHARACTERS REALISTICALLY HAS REALLY CHANGED "FAMILY CIRCUS."
HOW SO?
WELL, WHEN THE KIDS ARE IN THEIR FIFTIES, IT'S... I DUNNO... DIFFERENT.
DIFFERENT HOW?
"Get a job, Billy."

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW RULE REQUIRING ALL COMIC STRIPS TO AGE THEIR CHARACTERS REALISTICALLY? EVEN THE OLD STRIPS LIKE 'FAMILY CIRCUS' HAVE TO DO IT.
THAT'S NUTS. THOSE 'FAMILY CIRCUS' KIDS WOULD HAVE TO BE ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD NOW.
YEAH...I GUESS HAVING THEM GROWN UP PROBABLY CHANGES THE STRIP A LITTLE.
Faster, Mommy, faster!

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
IT'S A LETTER FROM THE NATIONAL CARTOONISTS SOCIETY... LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE CHANGING SOME OF THE RULES FOR THE COMICS.
WHAT? WHY DO THEY CHANGE?
WELL, IT SAYS HERE THAT RIGHT NOW, THE ONLY COMIC STRIPS THAT ARE ACTUALLY HAVING THEIR CHARACTERS AGE ARE 'BABY BLUES' AND 'FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE'.
SO?
WELL, ACCORDING TO THEM, IT'S NOT FAIR THAT CERTAIN CHARACTERS HAVE TO AGE WHILE OTHERS GET TO REMAIN FROZEN IN TIME.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
ACCORDING TO THIS, 'IT SHALL BE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF ALL UNITED FEATURE SYNDICATED CARTOONS TO ADVANCE THEIR CHARACTERS TO THEIR APPROPRIATE AGE IN REAL- TIME, BASED UPON THE START DATE OF THE COMIC'.
WELL, THAT SHOULDN'T BE TOO BAD FOR A STRIP LIKE OURS. WE'RE ONLY FOUR YEARS OLD.
YEAH, RUB IT IN YOU BIG, FAT @#$%@#& PIG.
I THINK IT'S TIME FOR 'PEARLS' TO GET A GANGSTA MARTINI AROUND HERE.
CALL BOUNCER.

HEY, RAT...
WHAT'S GOING ON?
PIG WANTS ME TO MEET HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND, BUT I GUESS SHE'S GOT A SORE THROAT. HE SAYS SHE'S A LITTLE HOARSE.
IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

Goodnight, son... Does you say you prayers?
NO, DAD.
Okay. We say together.
"God grant me da serenity to accept da prey me no can catch.
Courage to catch da prey me can.
And da wisdom teef to chew da big ones."
Me love you, sweetie.
I LOVE YOU, TOO, DAD.

SIR, THERE'S BEEN AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT. THREE TEENS IN A CAMARO. FORTUNATELY, THE DEVICE THEY THREW DID NOT EXPLODE AND I WAS ABLE TO LAUNCH A SUCCESSFUL COUNTERSTRIKE.
OH MY GOODNESS! WHAT'D THEY THROW??
THAT'S JUST A WATER BALLOON. THEY CAN'T HURT YOU.
YOU MAY NOT LIKE THE SECOND HALF OF THIS STORY.

Let me get this straight... you fire me?
OF COURSE I'M FIRING YOU!!
But me was on time.
YOU KILLED... A... CUSTOMER
...Nobody perfect, Bob.

A CROCODILE?? YOU SENT A CROCODILE TO REPLACE YOU AT THIS CAFE??
TAKE IT EASY. THAT CROC IS TOTALLY QUALIFIED.
QUALIFIED? HE EATS MAMMALS!! MY CUSTOMERS ARE MAMMALS!! THAT IS NOT AN OPTIMAL ARRANGEMENT!!
LISTEN, HONEY- THAT CROC IS AN INNOCUOUS PREDATOR. NOW UNLESS YOUR CUSTOMER IS A SELF-ABSORBED BOOKWORM, THERE'S NO WAY HE WON'T SEE HIM COMING.
...
THIS... IS... A...
OH, WE ARE SO NOT COMING BACK HERE.

RAT. IT'S ME, GARY, YOUR MANAGER AT THE COFFEE SHOP. WHY AREN'T YOU HERE?
BECAUSE CAPITALISM IS A CRUEL OPPRESSOR OF THE SOUL. JOIN ME, GARY. LET US THROW OURSELVES UPON THE GEARS OF THE MACHINERY.
GET YOUR G#%* IN HERE.
OH, RELAX, YOU TALKING SUIT...I GOT SOMEONE TO COVER FOR ME...HE SHOULD BE THERE BY NOW. LOOK FOR HIM. HE'S GREEN.
GREEN?
Customer bad. May me bite off head?
OH LORD.

Danny Donkey was being a jerk.
Danny Donkey saw Katie Cow playing her Game Boy.
May I play witht Game Boy?
I want to play with it, Danny Donkey.
"Sharing is important," said Danny Donkey, "Sharing is good."
Okay, Danny Donkey, I will share.
Danny Donkey grabbed the Game Boy and never came back.
THIS IS THE CHILDREN'S BOOK YOU'RE WRITING?
YES, I SHOW SOME BAD BEHAVIOR AND USE IT TO TEACH KIDS A MORAL.
WHERE'S THE MORAL?
LAST PAGE.
Never share.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE WRITING CHILDREN'S BOOKS.
CHAPTER TWO: WHY HITTING IS SOMETIMES OKAY.

WHY ARE YOU CARRYING AROUND THAT MIRROR?
BECAUSE LIFE IS FILLED WITH LOUDMOUTH, KNOW-IT-ALL IDIOTS THAT DEPRESS ME TO NO END. BUT NOW, WHEN I AM CONFRONTED BY ONE, I CAN LOOK IN THIS MIRROR AND BE REMINDED THAT TRUE GREATNESS STILL EXISTS.
THAT IS THE MOST UN-BELIEVABLY ARROGANT, ASININE THING I'VE EVER HEARD ANYONE SAY....