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HEY, RAT...
WHAT'S GOING ON?
PIG WANTS ME TO MEET HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND, BUT I GUESS SHE'S GOT A SORE THROAT. HE SAYS SHE'S A LITTLE HOARSE.
IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

Goodnight, son... Does you say you prayers?
NO, DAD.
Okay. We say together.
"God grant me da serenity to accept da prey me no can catch.
Courage to catch da prey me can.
And da wisdom teef to chew da big ones."
Me love you, sweetie.
I LOVE YOU, TOO, DAD.

SIR, THERE'S BEEN AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT. THREE TEENS IN A CAMARO. FORTUNATELY, THE DEVICE THEY THREW DID NOT EXPLODE AND I WAS ABLE TO LAUNCH A SUCCESSFUL COUNTERSTRIKE.
OH MY GOODNESS! WHAT'D THEY THROW??
THAT'S JUST A WATER BALLOON. THEY CAN'T HURT YOU.
YOU MAY NOT LIKE THE SECOND HALF OF THIS STORY.

Let me get this straight... you fire me?
OF COURSE I'M FIRING YOU!!
But me was on time.
YOU KILLED... A... CUSTOMER
...Nobody perfect, Bob.

A CROCODILE?? YOU SENT A CROCODILE TO REPLACE YOU AT THIS CAFE??
TAKE IT EASY. THAT CROC IS TOTALLY QUALIFIED.
QUALIFIED? HE EATS MAMMALS!! MY CUSTOMERS ARE MAMMALS!! THAT IS NOT AN OPTIMAL ARRANGEMENT!!
LISTEN, HONEY- THAT CROC IS AN INNOCUOUS PREDATOR. NOW UNLESS YOUR CUSTOMER IS A SELF-ABSORBED BOOKWORM, THERE'S NO WAY HE WON'T SEE HIM COMING.
...
THIS... IS... A...
OH, WE ARE SO NOT COMING BACK HERE.

RAT. IT'S ME, GARY, YOUR MANAGER AT THE COFFEE SHOP. WHY AREN'T YOU HERE?
BECAUSE CAPITALISM IS A CRUEL OPPRESSOR OF THE SOUL. JOIN ME, GARY. LET US THROW OURSELVES UPON THE GEARS OF THE MACHINERY.
GET YOUR G#%* IN HERE.
OH, RELAX, YOU TALKING SUIT...I GOT SOMEONE TO COVER FOR ME...HE SHOULD BE THERE BY NOW. LOOK FOR HIM. HE'S GREEN.
GREEN?
Customer bad. May me bite off head?
OH LORD.

Danny Donkey was being a jerk.
Danny Donkey saw Katie Cow playing her Game Boy.
May I play witht Game Boy?
I want to play with it, Danny Donkey.
"Sharing is important," said Danny Donkey, "Sharing is good."
Okay, Danny Donkey, I will share.
Danny Donkey grabbed the Game Boy and never came back.
THIS IS THE CHILDREN'S BOOK YOU'RE WRITING?
YES, I SHOW SOME BAD BEHAVIOR AND USE IT TO TEACH KIDS A MORAL.
WHERE'S THE MORAL?
LAST PAGE.
Never share.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE WRITING CHILDREN'S BOOKS.
CHAPTER TWO: WHY HITTING IS SOMETIMES OKAY.

WHY ARE YOU CARRYING AROUND THAT MIRROR?
BECAUSE LIFE IS FILLED WITH LOUDMOUTH, KNOW-IT-ALL IDIOTS THAT DEPRESS ME TO NO END. BUT NOW, WHEN I AM CONFRONTED BY ONE, I CAN LOOK IN THIS MIRROR AND BE REMINDED THAT TRUE GREATNESS STILL EXISTS.
THAT IS THE MOST UN-BELIEVABLY ARROGANT, ASININE THING I'VE EVER HEARD ANYONE SAY....

UH HUH UH HUH OKAY. BYE.
GEEZ. THAT WAS THE THIRD LONG CALL I GOT THIS MORNING. I NEVER KNOW HOW TO CUT A CALL SHORT.
JUST TELL 'EM YOU GOT YOUR MOM OR SOMEONE ON THE OTHER LINE. THAT'S WHAT I DO.
RING RING RING
HELLO? ... OH...HI... HEY, COULD I CALL YOU BACK? I GOT MY MOM ON THE OTHER LINE. SEE YA.
WHO WAS THAT?
MY MOM.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TALKED ME INTO COMING TO ONE OF THESE CLUBS THAT ONLY LETS YOU IN IF THEY THINK YOU LOOK COOL.
DUDE, PLEASE, I WOULDN'T DO IT IF I DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD GET IN. I LOOK OUT FOR MY FRIENDS. I'M NOT GONNA SEE YOU GET HUMILIATED.
YOU TWO ARE IN...
BINGO.
UH, NO.
...GOOD CALL ON CONE-BOY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?... WHEN YOU'RE IN A REALLY LONG STORE LINE AND THE GUY RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU WAITS UNTIL HE GETS TO THE CASH REGISTER TO START LOOKING FOR HIS CREDIT CARD. I MEAN, DUDE, COULDN'T YOU HAVE DONE THAT **BEFORE** YOU GOT TO THE FRONT OF THE @#$% LINE?!?
BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?... THAT'S HUMAN NATURE. THERE'S NO SOLUTION FOR THAT.
I'VE GOT A SOLUTION FOR THAT.
...NO ONE LIKES MY SOLUTIONS.

DUUUDE...I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE TO WEAR ONE OF THOSE DUMB VET-ERNARIAN CONES. HOW YOU GONNA DRINK YOUR STUPID COFFEE?
I DUNNO...I'M PROBABLY GONNA START NEEDING HELP WITH LOTS OF STUFF.
COUNT ON ME.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HE FELL IN THE DRIVEWAY AND GOT A BIG SCRATCH, SO I TOLD HIM TO SEE THAT DOCTOR ON THE CORNER.
THAT'S A VETERINARIAN. YOU CAN'T SEND PIG TO A VETERINARIAN.
WHY NOT?
I THINK MY NERD QUOTIENT JUST SKYROCKETED.

Rat's Travel Guide to the World's Great Cities
Chapter 1: Baghdad
Plusses:
Warm.
Cheap.
Not too touristy.
Minuses:
People with beards try to kill you.
This can ruin an otherwise wonderful vacation.

THE PARTY STARTS IN AN HOUR. AREN'T YOU READY YET?
WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP ALREADY? DON'T MAKE ME THROW MY SHOE AT YOU.
DON'T YOU THREATEN ME. I'LL THROW THAT SHOE RIGHT BACK.
OHH... SO NOW YOU'RE THREATENING ME, ARE YOU?
DORIS... HI, IT'S BETTY. WE'RE GONNA BE LATE.

Dear Kim Jong il,
I know you have a bomb, so please don't get mad at me when I say this, but......
You're having a bad hair day.
YOU STUPID PIG...WHY DO YOU WRITE DUMB LETTERS TO DICTATORS WHO ARE NEVER GONNA READ THEM AND COULDN'T CARE LESS WHAT YOU THINK?
YOUR HAIR IS FINE, SIR.

LOOKS LIKE THE NATIONAL CARTOONISTS SOCIETY IS GONNA START TESTING COMIC STRIP CHARACTERS FOR STEROIDS.
IS THAT EVEN NECESSARY?
I DOUBT IT... STEROIDS MAKE YOU STRONGER, NOT FUNNIER... SO I CAN'T THINK OF ANY REASON WHY A COMIC STRIP CHARACTER WOULD EVEN WANT TO TRY THEM...
I WILL KICK MARY WORTH'S @#$.

WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS?

SIR, IT'S COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME OF YOUR NEIGHBORS HAVE BEEN CALLING EACH OTHER IN AN ATTEMPT TO ORGANIZE AN ANTI-GUARD DUCK COALITION. I PROPOSE WE TAKE STEPS TO TRY AND CONTROL THE MESSAGE.
LIKE TALKING TO THEM ?
LIKE BLOWING UP THE TELEPHONE LINES.
I'M GROWING WEARY OF THE HAMPER, SIR.

We ees hosed, Bob. We ees never gonna keel zeeba.
Ees no fair.
Like zee life.
HELLO, BOYS.
HEY!! WOW. YOU IS... SATAN?
Wow, you is Satan!
Yes. I am Satan... and I offer you a deal... your soul for that zebra.
Oh, HAHA! We make joke! Where sign? Just sign? Where sign?
GOOD! GOOD! Where doodee-jee sign?
WONDERFUL. AND HERE YOU GO...
HEY, DAT IS PACK OF GUM.
Yees, I know what I trod, but the contract offers you a mere pack of gum. You should have read it. I am, after all, Satan.
OOHHH, NNOO!! NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME, MEESTER BEELZEBUB! IF WE NO GET ZEEBA, YOU NO GET SOUL, GOT IT!?!?
... Me hope flavor last loooonng time.

DID YOU KNOW THAT IN 2004,
A WINNING SENATE CANDIDATE
SPENT AN AVERAGE OF $7.5 MILLION
GETTING ELECTED, UP 50 PERCENT
FROM THE $5 MILLION SPENT IN 2002.
AND MUCH OF THAT MONEY COMES
FROM BIG INTERESTS... BIG INTERESTS
THAT EXPECT A RETURN ON THEIR MONEY.
WE CAN PLAY GAMES AND ELECT
SENATORS FROM ONE PARTY AND
THEN THE OTHER FOR AS LONG AS
WE WANT, BUT THE FACT IS
THAT NO REAL CHANGE CAN EVER
OCCUR SO LONG AS THE PEOPLE WHO
COULD EFFECT THAT CHANGE ARE
BEHOLDEN TO THAT KIND OF MONEY.
WHAT’S A “SENATE”?

DO YOU THINK WATCHING A MOVIE CAN AFFECT THE WAY A GUY LEADS HIS LIFE?
NOT REALLY... BUT THEY CAN SOMETIMES INFLUENCE THE WAY WE TALK... WHY?
NO REASON.
I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU.

LISTEN, BOB, WE HAVE TO FIRE THAT RAT AND FIRE HIM NOW. HE'S TERRIBLE.
SORRY. I JUST GOT A CALL FROM CORPORATE. HE STAYS.
STAYS? HOW CAN THAT BE?
JOE'S ROASTERY HAS A POLICY OF CORPORATE DIVERSITY. AND RIGHT NOW, HE'S OUR ONLY RAT. HE CAN PRACTICALLY STEAL FROM THE REGISTER AND GET PROMOTED.
THAT'S BAD NEWS, BOB.
A DECAF LATTE? A DECAF LATTE? HEY, I GOT YOUR DECAF LATTE RIGHT HERE, PAL.
OHHH, GOD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
SINGING SONGS WITH MY VIKING ACTION FIGURINES.
THAT'S GREAT. VIKINGS USED TO BE KNOWN FOR CHANTING WAR SONGS RIGHT BEFORE BATTLE. THE SONGS WERE FILLED WITH BLOOD AND GUTS AND GLORY.
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG... WAY TO MAKE MEN OUT OF THEM.
SINCE WHEN IS `CABARET` A WAR SONG?