Pearls Before Swine | Search

LET'S PLAY CHESS.
HOW DO YOU PLAY?
YOU WEAR THIS HANDKERCHIEF OVER YOUR EYES AND TRY TO CAPTURE THE OTHER PLAYER'S KING.
DO YOU WEAR ONE, TOO?
THAT'S VERY HURTFUL, PIG... OF COURSE I WEAR ONE... PLEASE APOLOGIZE FOR IMPLYING I WOULD CHEAT.
I'M SORRY, RAT... YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND AND I TRUST YOU.
...CHECKMATE.
GOOD GAME, BUDDY.

okay, zeeba neighba... me tired of your games, so me hire sophisticated lawyer. he write opening statement for me. peese shut mounf, leesten.
ahem... gud evenengs, people of da world. chapter nine, scene two, psalm sixteen of united state constelution say thees and me a quote--ees okay me keel you.
me rest case.
listen, i didn't mean to embarrass you or your attorney, but i can assure you that those words are not in the constitution. if you really want to debate this, i suggest you and your lawyer try to formulate a slightly more forceful opening statement.
yo mama fat as house.

SOMETIMES I GET "ROAD RAGE" SO BAD, IT'S SCARY.
YOU DON'T OWN A CAR.
I TOLD YOU IT WAS SCARY.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
I WAS REMOVING ALL THE MIRRORS IN OUR HOUSE. I FIGURE IF I CAN GO THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT SEEING MYSELF, I WON'T KNOW HOW UGLY I AM.
GEE, PIG...THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE EXTREME...HAVE YOU TOLD RAT ABOUT THIS?
YEAH...AND HE SEEMED TO UNDERSTAND...FOR ONCE, I THINK HE'S REALLY GONNA HELP ME.
GREETINGS FROM REFLECTO-MAN.

AS YOUR CAREER COUNSELOR, I'D ADVISE YOU TO GET YOUR MASTER'S DEGREE.
WELL, THANK YOU, MR. RAT. I--
YO, DAWG. I FOUND THE HEAD.
EXCELLENT, BRO.
EXCUSE ME, SIR WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF...
OHHHH GAAAWAD.!!!!
MY RÉSUMÉ!! MY RÉSUMÉ!!!
...AND I WAS LIKE, "YO, DUDE, JUST PRINT MORE," AND HE WAS LIKE, "DUUUUDE, THIS PAPER'S EXPENSIVE."
DESPERADO BRA!!!

WELCOME TO RAT'S CAREER COUNSELING, MA'AM... GO AHEAD AND PUT YOUR PURSE DOWN OVER THERE IF YOU'D LIKE...
I'M SORRY, MR. RAT, BUT I'M
NOT GONNA PUT MY PURSE DOWN...
C'MON, LADY, IT'S CLEAN IN HERE.
NO, IT'S NOT... IT'S GROSS...
IT IS NOT GROSS... PUT IT DOWN.
LEGGO OF MY PURSE, YOU IDIOT.
YOU LEGGO!!
YOU LEGGO!!
...AS YOUR CAREER COUNSELOR, I ADVISE YOU TO GET A NEW PURSE.

I HEAR RAT STARTED WORKING AS A CAREER COUNSELOR.
YEAH, BUT HE HAD TROUBLE FINDING OFFICE SPACE, SO HE HAD TO RENT A PORTA-POTTY.
YOU CAN'T WORK IN A PORTA-POTTY.
THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HIM, BUT HE SAID IT ACTUALLY HELPED TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION WITH HIS CLIENTS.
...AND NOW FOR A VISUAL DEMONSTRATION OF WHERE YOUR CAREER IS GOING.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE'S BEEN WANTING TO GO OUT AND START WORKING AS A CAREER COUNSELOR, BUT HE HAD TROUBLE FINDING AFFORDABLE OFFICE SPACE.
SO DID HE FINALLY FIND SOMETHING?
YEAH. HE SAYS IT'S A LITTLE CRAMPED, BUT APPARENTLY, THE RENT IS CHEAP.

Hullo, zeeba neighba...beesten...
We cwockydiles get new job.
Be stand-up comic. You like.
Yes. Gud day. Uh. Hey, Larry friend...Why Zeeba no able to drink water from watering
hole ?
Peese tell me, Bob!
Because me tear off head!!!
...ba DUM bum...KSSHHH.
Peese duvive home safewee.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THAT BOX?
THE WORLD APPEARS TO BE ENDING, SO WE'RE DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
SITTING IN A BOX GETTING DRUNK FROM A BEER HAT IS HARDLY "DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT"... GET OUT THERE AND MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
...AWW, WHO AM I KIDDING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
AFTER WATCHING ENOUGH NEWS, I'VE CONCLUDED THAT WE'RE ALL DOOMED. THUS, THE ONLY SANE RESPONSE IS TO SIT IN A BOX AND DRINK BEER FROM A HAT.
BUT THAT DOESN'T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.
DO YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA?
...MMMMMMM...BEEEEER...

THERE'S A BAND OF GYPSIES WAITING AT THE FRONT DOOR. THEY SAY THEY'RE HERE TO BUY A PIG. DID YOU SELL ME?
I'M AFRAID SO.
WHY WOULD YOU SELL YOUR BEST FRIEND?
BECAUSE I NEEDED THE MONEY TO BUY A NEW IPOD.
YOU SOLD ME SO YOU COULD BUY A PORTABLE MUSIC PLAYER?
YEAH, BUT DUDE, IT STORES LIKE 15,000 SONGS. AND BESIDES, GYPSIES LOVE TO KEEP PIGS AS PETS, SO I'M SURE THEY'LL PROVIDE YOU WITH A NICE, LOVING HOME.
Charcoal getting cold.
What you want? Me barge in living room?

I THINK I’D BE MUCH MORE LIKELY TO BE RELIGIOUS IF IT WASN’T FOR ALL THAT “LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR” STUFF.
AND WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE I HATE MY NEIGHBORS. THEY HAVE BARKING DOGS AND CAR ALARMS AND SOMETIMES THEY EVEN TRY TO TALK TO ME.
YOUR SOUL’S SO DARK IT SMUDGES MINE.
HEY… MAYBE I COULD LOVE YOUR NEIGHBORS… I NEVER HAVE TO SEE THEM.

HEY!... IT'S JIMMY AND JOHANIE YO-YO... HOW YOU GUYS DOIN'?
NOT NOW, PIG. JIM AND I ARE SPLITTING UP. I'M TIRED OF BEING MARRIED TO THIS YO-YO.
OH, YEAH... LIKE YOU'RE A REAL PRIZE. YOU KNOW, I'D LOVE A DIVORCE... I DON'T NEED YOU... THROW ME DOWN ON THE FLOOR, PIG... I DON'T NEED TO BE WITH A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T WANT ME...
TAKE A GOOD LOOK, JOAN... 'CAUSE YOU'LL NEVER SEE THIS YO-YO AGAIN.
WELL, WELL, WELL... LOOKS WHO'S BACK.
THIS IS AWKWARD.

Duuude... I think I overdid it on the coffee this morning... I'm getting bad tremors.
Well, you know, Rat, caffeine's a drug... and you shouldn't turn to drugs. Turn to art, instead!
Why just yesterday, I spent eleven hours doing this "etch-a-sketch" portrait of my poor, sick Aunt Susie. She died this morning and now it's the last image I'll ever have of her. Here... have a look.
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE
...I think there's a problem.

YES," SAID THE FAN, "TONIGHT'S PUNCH BOB NIGHT! YEAH, IF THE LAKERS SCORE 100 POINTS, WE ALL GET TO PUNCH BOB IN THE HEAD!"
"I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET," SAID BOB.
"I WILL GO TO A BASKETBALL GAME," SAID BOB. "PERHAPS THEY WILL HAVE ONE OF THOSE PROMOTIONS WHERE EACH FAN GETS A FREE TACO IF THEIR TEAM SCORES 100 POINTS. A FREE TACO WOULD IMPROVE MY MOOD."
BOB WENT TO A MAVERICKS/LAKERS GAME. HE BOUGHT A HOT DOG AND SAT QUIETLY IN HIS PURPLE SEAT.
"EXCUSE ME," BOB SAID, TURNING TO THE FAN ON HIS RIGHT, "DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW WHAT TONIGHT'S PROMOTION IS IF THE LAKERS SCORE 100 POINTS?"
"YES," SAID THE FAN, "TONIGHT'S PUNCH BOB IN THE HEAD NIGHT. IF THE LAKERS SCORE 100 POINTS, WE ALL GET TO PUNCH BOB IN THE HEAD."
"YOU KNEW THAT WHEN YOU CAME?" SAID THE FAN.

"YES," SAID BOB.
"BOB," SAID BOB, "IS HAPPY."
BOB TOOK A SIP OF HIS SODA.
AS THE FANS AROUND HIM CHEERED

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? IT'S PETE, THE PRAYING MANTIS.
NO. NOT ANYMORE, PIG.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, PETE?
THE PRAYER. FOR YEARS, I ASKED GOD TO STOP THE ARROGANCE AND STUPIDITY THAT FUELS MAN'S INHUMANITY TO MAN. BUT DID IT HAPPEN? NO. THE ARROGANCE AND STUPIDITY HAVE THRIVED, AS THOUGH I NEVER PRAYED.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I'M JUST A MANTIS NOW.

Dear Angelina Jolie,
I love you. You are the most beautiful woman in the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands.
You stupid pig. You think it's romantic to lapse into the Pledge of Allegiance when writing love letters to hot chicks, don't you? How dumb can you be?
Uhh...I...no. I musta just goofed. Heh heh heh heh heh.
Dear Hilde Berezny,
I love you. Please marry me so we can be indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Scripple scripple scripple

Hululoo, Zeeeba neighba... Leesten. Een effort to improove relationsheep wid Zeebas, we give you geef... Ees nice Crockydile boots...
You know... I find it more than a little disturbing that you would buy something made of crocodile skin...
Ohhhhh... Me no buy. Uncle Tim fall asleep een front of t.v... He know what heet heem.
Family not too close.

HEY THERE, BUDDY... CAN I HAVE SOME OF YOUR TATER TOTS? I'LL PAY YOU.
HOW MUCH?
A PENNY EACH.
A PENNY?
YES. A PENNY FOR YOUR TOTS.
SERIOUSLY... HOW DOES ONE GO ABOUT JOINING A DIFFERENT COMIC STRIP?
HEEEEY... "FUNKY WINKERBEAN" IS HIRING.

Okay, zeeba neighba...
Lessen... Meebe we no smart enuf to catch you yet... But now all dat change.
How DO YOU FIGURE?
Because dis is Larry, He top Crocodile Scientist... He spend hours in lab mayken top secret Crockydile code. Now we talk each other and you no know what said. HAHA. Show heem, Larry.
... We-o is-o about-o to-o killa zeeba-o.
... Where-o he-o go-o?

HEY. IT'S 'SIX-INCH SUSIE...!'
HOW GOES IT, SUSIE?
NOT GOOD, PIG...I'M SO LONELY...
I'D ALWAYS DREAMED OF BEING THAT DEBRA WINGER CHARACTER IN "AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN,' WHERE A MAN IN UNIFORM WOULD JUST WALK INTO MY LIFE AND SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET...BUT NO...IT'S NEVER HAPPENED
...IT'S NICE TO SEE DREAMS COME TRUE.

Hullo, zeeba neighbah... Leesten... Me knows no me can catch you... So how 'bout you juss have some prize on me and lets me eat you?
PITY? YOU WANT PITY? YOU MUST BE...NUTS.
OH, HERE'S MORE THAN NUTS, ZEBRA... THIS CROCODILE IS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WELL-ESTABLISHED SCIENCE.
WHO ARE YOU?
HI. I'M CHARLES DARWIN, CREATOR OF EVOLUTION THEORY. AS YOU MAY KNOW, MY THEORY HOLDS THAT OVER TIME, NATURAL SELECTION WEEDS OUT THE WEAKEST OF ANY SPECIES.
THUS, WHEN A CREATURE IS AS MORONIC OR PITIFUL AS THIS PARTICULAR CROCODILE, WE MUST NOT HATE HIM. IN FACT, IN DUE COURSE, NATURE WILL LET THEM STARVE AND DIE, VICTIMS OF THEIR OWN INEPTITUDE, THUS ENSURING THAT THEIR LOWLY, PATHETIC SCALP CAN NO LONGER INFECT THE GENE POOL.
Me have feamings, you know.

DEAR TIGER WOODS,
OKAY, DUDE, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
A FEW WEEKS AGO, I MOCK YOU FOR NO LONGER WINNING TOURNAMENTS... THE NEXT DAY, YOU WIN THE MASTERS... THAT WAS AN OBVIOUS ATTEMPT TO SHOW ME UP.
IN ORDER TO RESOLVE WHAT HAS NOW BECOME A VERY PUBLIC FEUD BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, I SUGGEST ONE OF THE FOLLOWING: EITHER (A), YOU GIVE ME 25% OF THE $13.5 MILLION THAT I INSPIRED YOU TO WIN AT THE MASTERS, OR (B), WE FIGHT IN THE CHURCH PARKING LOT AFTER SCHOOL.
... IT WORKED IN JUNIOR HIGH.

Hulloooo, zeeba neighba... Leesten... We make you promise... You veesit us and we no keel you... We swear on beeloved muhder's life...
Ack!
You keel mom, Larry.
Dat gonna weigh on conshuss.