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WHERE ARE RAT AND PIG TODAY?
RAT PUT OUT A BOOK OF HIS "DIXIE THE COCKROACH" COMIC STRIPS... HE'S AT THE BOOKSTORE SIGNING COPIES.
WOW... A BOOK?
YEAH, AND HE SAYS IT'S THE MOST POPULAR STRIP SINCE 'BLOOM COUNTY,' SO IT SHOULD BE PRETTY PACKED.
...CLEARLY, THEY FIND MY GREATNESS INTIMIDATING.

DEAR DISNEYLAND,
RECENTLY, I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO VISIT YOUR THEME PARK.
I ENJOYED MYSELF GREATLY, EXCEPT FOR YOUR "IT'S A SMALL WORLD" RIDE.
DURING THE RIDE, LITTLE PEOPLE FROM EVERY COUNTRY HOLD HANDS AND SING SONGS.
BUT AS YOU MAY KNOW, THE WORLD TODAY DID NOT TURN OUT THE WAY MR. DISNEY HAD HOPED.
SO TO KEEP YOUR RIDE RELEVANT AND UP-TO-DATE WITH THE TIMES, I SUGGEST YOU SHOW THESE HARMONIOUS LITTLE MIDGETS BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER.
THEY SHOULD PUMMEL EACH OTHER WITH STICKS, PUNCH EACH OTHER IN THE FACE, AND GENERALLY WHUP UP ON EACH OTHER IN TRUE SMALL WORLD-THAT-TURNS-OUT-LIKE-CRAP FASHION.
AND PLEASE CHANGE THE HAPPY MUSIC... I SUGGEST "KILLING IN THE NAME" BY RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S EXACTLY THE TYPE OF LETTER THAT A BIG OL' PLACE LIKE DISNEYLAND COULD INTERPRET AS A THREATENING NOTE, CAUSING YOU TO BE ARRESTED BY THE F.B.I... I SUGGEST YOU THINK OF A NICE, SAFE WAY OF CLOSING THE LETTER. . .
BEST WISHES,
GOAT

Hullo! Oo, zeeba neighba... Leesten. Me want offer nice founten for you leeping room. Ees so bootiful, ees hard to beleeve. And no worry, crockydile no real. He no alive.
How you figure me no alive, Larry?... Me spit water everywheere.
...Me hope one day you become pair of boots.

Okay, Zeeba, Leesten...Me know you no scared of us because we dumb. Well, bad news for you. Now we got Fred. He smart guy. He going to intimidate you wid his words. You show heem, Fred.
ahem I look upon my crocodile brethren, I am reminded of the words of William Shakespeare, who said, to wit, "Here comes a pair of very strange beasts, which in all tongues are called fools." Thus, to you, my zebra friend, I offer my humblest apologies for these carnivorous imbeciles. They bring me...great shame.
...Dat not right speech.

Hullo. Gud day. Me gas guy. Me here to check gas meter. Peese let me een leeving room.
YOU'RE A CROCODILE WITH A BAG OVER YOUR HEAD. THE METER'S NOT IN THE LIVING ROOM. AND YOU SPELLED 'GAS' WRONG ON YOUR SHIRT.
Me cable guy.

MR. JOHNSON! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I WAS WORKING OUTSIDE AND SOMEONE JUST HIT ME FROM BEHIND... WHEN I WOKE UP, MY KID'S INFLATABLE POOL WAS GONE.
MY GOODNESS! THIS NEIGHBORHOOD'S JUST BECOMING TOO DANGEROUS... YOU SHOULD CONSIDER GETTING A GUARD DUCK, LIKE WE DID.
A GUARD DUCK? DO THOSE REALLY WORK?
YOU BET... COME SEE OURS.
DENY. DENY. DENY.

DUDE, LOOK...THAT STUPID PIG BOUGHT A GUARD DUCK.. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
DON’T GET TOO CLOSE, DUDE...HE MIGHT...HE MIGHT...QUACK!!
HAHAHAHA
...AND THEN I SNAPPED.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
I SENT HIM TO THE PET STORE TO BUY A GUARD DOG. OUR NEIGHBORHOOD'S BECOMING WAY TOO DANGEROUS.
WHO.. THOSE DOGS COST THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.. HOW YOU GONNA AFFORD THAT?
GEE, I DIDN'T KNOW THEY COST THAT MUCH.. WELL, I'M SURE PIG'LL FIND SOMETHING WITHIN OUR BUDGET.
...AND IF YOU SENSE TROUBLE, JUST QUACK.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, BEAR?
TODAY I SAW THE MOST DEPRESSING THING, PIG...
THAT'S NOT HERE. IT'S OURS...
I WALKED INTO A GIANT DEPARTMENT STORE AND THERE, IN THE CENTER OF THE STORE, WERE THE EMPLOYEES, FORCED BY THE OWNERS TO SHOUT A GROUP CHEER FOR THE STORE ISSUE, A CHEER FOR THEIR EMPLOYER...
AND I THOUGHT, HOW SAD IT IS TO BE A LOW-PAYING JOB WITH LOUSY BENEFITS THAT FORCES YOU TO SAY A CHEER FOR IT.
HOW HAVE WE ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN TO US? I MEAN SURE, WE NEED MORE JOBS, AND TIMES ARE TOUGH AND WE CAN'T BE TOO FUSSY, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF WHO WE ARE, CAN'T WE AT LEAST -- AT LEAST -- KEEP OUR DIGNITY?
HEY, GUYS, NOT SURE IF THIS IS A GOOD TIME OR NOT, BUT I REALLY THINK WE NEED TO START OPENING OUR MORNINGS HERE AT "PEARLS" WITH A LITTLE CHEER...
MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE"... RA-RA, PRAISE TO PEARLS... MY BRAIN IS SMALL. IT WHIRLS IN THE GRAND HALL. OH, PEARLS, THERE I BE... WITHOUT YOU TO GUIDE ME, I AM NOTHING... LOOK AT ME..."
BAD TIME, GUYS

WE WON'T MAKE IT, BOYS
...COUGH
COUGH
THE BOULDERS LANDED RIGHT ON US.
I ... CAN'T ... BREATHE ...
IF ANYONE SURVIVES, TELL MY WIFE AND KIDS I COULD LOVE THEM.
BOYS!! IT'S A MIRACLE!!
IT'S THE HAND OF GOD!!
DADDY’S COMING HOME, BABY!!!
DADDY’S COMING HOME!!
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S TAX RETURN.
CAN'T BE MINE, I PUT A PAPERWEIGHT ON IT.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR "NATIONAL REGISTRY OF SAND"?
I CLOSED IT DOWN. EVEN I FELT A LITTLE BAD IMAGINING SOME LOSER TAKING A JAR OF SAND TO A BAR AND TELLING CHICKS THAT ONE OF THE GRAINS IS NAMED AFTER HIM...
WELL, IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, I'M SURE THE FOLKS WHO PAID YOU JUST DID IT FOR A LITTLE FUN, THEY'RE NOT GONNA BE TAKING JARS OF SAND WITH THEM TO A BAR.
OH, THIS? ... IT'S NOTHING.

HEY, PHIL... I JUST PAID TO HAVE A GRAIN OF SAND NAMED AFTER ME YESTERDAY, BUT MY NEIGHBOR JUST TOLD ME YOU RE-NAMED THAT SAME GRAIN OF SAND AFTER HIM THIS MORNING.
OH NO NO NO. THIS ONE’S YOURS AND THIS ONE’S YOURS.
OHHHHH
AH YEAH HEH HEH HEH.
WOW. WHAT A MISUNDER-STANDING!
LISTEN, BOB... I’M SORRY FOR SHOOTING OUT YOUR CAR WIN-DOWS AND PUSHING YOUR WIFE INTO THE HEDGE.
YEAH, ME TOO, DAVE. I’M SORRY FOR BURNING DOWN YOUR GARAGE AND THROWING YOUR CLOTHES INTO THE TREE MULCHER.
NATIONAL REGISTRY OF SAND
I FEAR FOR HUMANITY.
NATIONAL REGISTRY OF SAND

EXCUSE ME, BUT COULD I INTEREST YOU IN HAVING A UNIQUE GRAIN OF THIS WORLD'S SAND NAMED AFTER YOU?
HOW DO YOU KEEP TRACK OF WHICH GRAIN IS NAMED AFTER WHICH PERSON?
I KEEP A LITTLE LIST IN THIS SPIRAL NOTEBOOK... SEE?
THAT SAYS, "MORONS I'VE FLEECED."
IGNORE THE TITLE.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT COULD I INTEREST YOU IN HAVING A UNIQUE GRAIN OF THIS WORLD'S SAND NAMED AFTER YOU? IT'S ONLY SIXTY BUCKS.
WHY SHOULD I DO THAT??
BECAUSE YOU'RE DUMB. AND VAIN. AND THOSE TWO QUALITIES MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO RECOGNIZE A FRAUDULENT SCAM WHEN YOU SEE ONE.
I'LL TAKE TEN.
YOU'RE A SMART MAN.

I HEARD RAT HAS STARTED SOMETHING CALLED "THE NATIONAL REGISTRY OF SAND"

YEAH, FOR $80, YOU CAN HAVE A GRAIN OF SAND NAMED AFTER YOU... HE DID THAT FOR STARS, SO RAT FIGURED HE'D DO SAND
...DOES HE REALLY THINK PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID THAT THEY'D PAY GOOD MONEY TO HAVE ONE GRAIN OF SAND NAMED AFTER THEM?
YEAH, YOU'D HAVE TO BE A PRETTY PATHETIC NOBODY TO PAY FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT...
WOW, SO IS THAT ONE "PIG"?... OR IS THAT ONE "PIG"?
YOURS IS THE TINY BROWN ONE

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
PICTURES OF MY COUSINS... MY HERD JUST SENT THEM TO ME.
ARE THOSE THE ZEBRAS THAT LIVE ON THE PLAINS AND HAVE TO RUN FROM THE LIONS?
WHO'S THAT ONE?
THAT'S THE FASTEST ZEBRA IN OUR FAMILY... THEY CALL HIM... "THE SPEED DEMON."
GEE... THAT'S NEAT... HOW 'BOUT THAT GUY?
HE'S THE STRONGEST ZEBRA IN THE ENTIRE HERD. THEY CALL HIM "THE MIGHTY HERCULES."
WOW... AND WHO'S THAT ONE?
OH... THAT'S THE SLOWEST ZEBRA IN THE FAMILY.
WHAT DO THEY CALL HIM?
"FOOD."

HELLO... I'D LIKE TO WITHDRAW MONEY.
FINE. FILL OUT THIS WITHDRAWAL SLIP AND BE SURE TO WRITE YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER AT THE TOP.
YEAH, WELL, THAT WON'T BE HAPPENING.
OH?... AND WHY IS THAT?
WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW, I DON'T HAVE AN ACCOUNT.
...LOOKS LIKE I MAY NEED TO GET A JOB AFTER ALL.

I HEAR YOU GOT PIG TO TAKE THE GIANT OVEN MITT OFF.
YEAH, BUT HE'S REAL NERVOUS. HIS REALITY IS SO WARPED NOW THAT HE THINKS OTHER GIANT COOKING UTENSILS WILL ATTACK HIM.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.
NO, REALLY. HE TOLD ME AND RAT ABOUT IT, SO I TOLD HIM TO JUST RELAX AND GO READ A BOOK OR SOMETHING... HOPEFULLY, RAT'S HELPING HIM, TOO.
ADIOS, AMIGO.

HI, RAT...I'M HERE FOR PIG...WE HAVE A DINNER DATE.
HANG ON.
...GOT DINNER PLANS?

IS THAT YOU UNDER THERE, PIG?
YES. I AM WEARING A GIANT OVEN MITT TO PROTECT MYSELF AGAINST THE MEANNESS OF THIS WORLD.
PIG, THAT MEANNESS IS GONNA AFFECT YOU WHETHER YOU'RE IN AN OVEN MITT OR NOT... THERE'S NOT A SINGLE ADVANTAGE TO WEARING AN OVEN MITT.
WHAT IF A GIANT OVEN DROPS FROM THE SKY AND YOU NEED SOMEONE TO PULL OUT THE PIE?
...YOU'VE GROWN QUIET.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING A GIANT OVEN MITT, PIG?
BECAUSE MY EGO IS VERY FRAGILE AND MY FEELINGS ARE EASILY HURT.
PIG... AN OVEN MITT WILL NOT PROTECT YOUR FEELINGS. PEOPLE WILL HURT YOU JUST LIKE THEY DID BEFORE.
...BUT THEY WON'T KNOW WHEN I CRY.
HE'S RIGHT... IT TAKES AWAY HALF THE FUN.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING OVEN MITTS?
TO PROTECT MY FEELINGS FROM GETTING HURT AND MY CONFIDENCE FROM BEING SHATTERED AND MY EGO FROM GETTING CRUSHED.
YOU STUPID PIG. THE ONLY THING THOSE LITTLE OVEN MITTS PROTECT IS YOUR HAND... ALL THAT OTHER STUFF IS UNPROTECTED.
HOW 'BOUT NOW?

THE ADVENTURES OF ANGRY BOB
Angry Bob was angry.
"My problem stems from women, I think!" Bob thought. "But why won't women want to buy a women's magazine like 'Cosmo'?"
Bob went to the grocery store and purchased a copy of 'Cosmopolitan' magazine. He took it home and studied it in his backyard and read and read.
And heard a crash.
A Brazilian swimsuit model had fallen through his hedges.
"Excuse me," she said. "I am Lupe, and I have wandered away from a bikini contest and now I am lost. I have skimmed my knee falling through your hedge and am in need of water and your help but do not want to make it sound like I need you for help."
Bob stared at her in astonishment. He was utterly amazed. And so Bob stood up.
And the women's magazine fell to the ground.
And Lupe's stare of utter astonishment slowly softened. And as she stared at Bob, she saw something she never saw before... a Cosmo in his hand. Lupe became enraged.
"AND THE WOMEN'S MAGAZINE!!" she roared. "YOU READ 'COSMO'!?!!"
Flummoxed, Bob panicked. "She reads 'The Atlantic', doesn't she?" he muttered.
And so Bob, as the pages shuffled closed, stared down at the cover and said...
"AND LOOK AT THE WEALTH

HULLOOOO, MY PEGGY FREN. ME LOOKEEN
FO SOME CO CONSPIRATUHHTORS WHO CANS
HELP ME THWAP ZEEBA GUY... ME GIVE
YOU'PS BAG OF PEETTY SILVA COYNES
FO YOU TWUBBLE... BUAHAHAHA...
WHAT? ZEBRA IS MY FRIEND!
I LOVE HIM LIKE A BROTHER!
AND I WOULDN'T HELP YOU
TRAP HIM FOR ALL THE MONEY
ON EARTH! SO GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU... YOU BAD REPTILES YOU!!
... MAN... CAN YOU
BELIEVE
THOSE GUYS?!
FORTY-FOUR...
FORTY-FIVE...
FORTY-SIX...

GEE, NEIGHBOR BOB, YOUR HALF-BROTHER PHIL MUST HAVE A TOUGH LIFE.
I SUPPOSE... I MEAN, NO BRAIN, NO EYES, NO EARS, AND NO CONSCIOUSNESS DOES SORT OF LIMIT YOUR OPTIONS.
...BUT REALLY, HIS LIMITATIONS ARE HARDEST ON THE REST OF US.
OH? HOW IS THAT?
HE'S JUST KILLING OUR BOWLING TEAM.