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I NOTICED THAT YOUR BLOG ENTRY YESTERDAY WAS ONCE AGAIN FOLLOWED BY ZERO COMMENTS. THIS OBVIOUSLY MEANS THAT NO ONE IS READING IT... DOES THAT BOTHER YOU ?
GO AWAY.
I WAS THINKING, MAYBE YOU COULD JUST SHOVE YOUR WRITING UNDER THIS BOX. THAT WAY, JUST AS MANY PEOPLE WOULD READ IT, BUT YOU'D SAVE A FORTUNE ON INTERNET CONNECTION FEES.
PERHAPS SAVING MONEY IS NOT A PRIORITY FOR YOU.

SIR. GOOD EVENING, SIR.
CAN THIS WAIT 'TIL "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" IS OVER?
SIR, IF YOU LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW, YOU'LL SEE THAT THE CIVILIAN ACROSS THE STREET HAS PAINTED HIS HOUSE A PARTICULARLY HEINOUS SHADE OF ORANGE... PERMISSION TO HANDLE THE SITUATION, SIR.
WELL, SURE, I GUESS YOU CAN WORK IT OUT, BUT PEACEFULLY OF COURSE.
PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY, SIR.

WHY BOB UNDER WATER?
SHHH. EES PART OF TOP SECRET PLAN. HAVE LOOK.
TOP SECRIT PLANN
STEP 1: BOB LAY AT BOTTOM OF POOL.
STEP 2: ZEEBA COME OVER FOR POOL PARTY.
STEP 3: BOB KEEL ZEEBA.
DAT SOUND LIKE GUD PLAN. HOW LONG BOB BEEN AT BOTTOM?
SEENCE TUESDAY.
TOP SECRIT PLANN
STEP 1:
GATOR
SWEEMING LESSONS.

LISTEN, LITTLE GUARD DUCK. PIG ASKED ME TO BRING YOU INSIDE. HE SAYS IT'S TOO COLD AND DARK FOR YOU OUT HERE, OKAY?
Are you... an assassin?
I'M A RAT.
You're neither... You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.
YOU ARE SO BEING TAKEN OFF OUR NETFLIX ACCOUNT.
The horror. The horror.

I WENT TO YOUR BLOG YESTERDAY AND NOTICED THERE'S NOT A SINGLE COMMENT AFTER ANY OF YOUR ENTRIES. DOES THIS CONCERN YOU?
NO.
WELL, IT SHOULD. BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT NO ONE IS READING YOUR BLOG.
WILL YOU PLEASE--
PERHAPS YOU SHOULD JUST TRY POSTING NOTES ON YOUR REFRIGERATOR. YOU MIGHT REACH MORE PEOPLE.
THROT!
THROT!
THROT!
THROT!
THROT!
THROT!
THROT!
THROT!
THROT!
THESE BLOGGERS ARE AN ANGRY BUNCH.

HULLOOO ZEEBA NEIGHBA… EES GUD DAY, NO?
YOU KNOW, SOMETHING I'VE ALWAYS BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU. WHAT IS THAT STUPID ACCENT YOU GUYS HAVE?
Hahaha… You not know?… We ees speekino
STUPID LIQUID PAPER.

HEY U?
SIR, THIS IS MANNY, FROM "MANNY'S YARD SERVICE". LISTEN, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT JORGE WILL NO LONGER BE MAINTAINING YOUR BUSHES... HE'S BEEN CANCELED.
WHAT?? WHY NOT? I LOVE JORGE.
DID IT GROW TOO BIG?
DID I MISS A PAYMENT?
I MEAN I-- SIR!
SOMEONE SHOT JORGE IN THE @%*!@#% RUMP, SIR!!
...IF YOU MUST KNOW, HIS WEEDWHACKER SPOOKED ME.

DEER ZEEBA,
YOUH. LOS.
VRY U LUE ED
NEDLOGRPH. BA.
S TAHUR K E NOS N
HE E A J R !
K. B E I L I N G
S Y E OLUF!
Subibabal message no working.

HEY THERE, PIG. I HEAR YOU HIRED A DUMB GUARD DUCK TO PROTECT YOUR HOUSE. WHAT'S A MEEK LITTLE DUCK GONNA DO?
OH GEE, NEIGHBOR BOB...MEEKNESS ISN'T HIS PROBLEM. IT'S THAT HE'S VIOLENT AND UNSTABLE.
OH GEE..VIOLENT AND UNSTABLE, HUH?..WHAT'S HE DO, WADDLE ALL OVER THE NEIGHBOR'S TOES?
I LOVE THE SMELL OF NAPALM IN THE MORNING.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT WHILE THIS ENTIRE COUNTRY HAS BEEN OBSESSED WITH TRINKETS, A MOMENTOUS PHENOMENA HAS OCCURRED RIGHT UNDER OUR VERY NOSES ?
WHAT ?
WHEN NO ONE WAS LOOKING, EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN WOMAN BETWEEN THE AGES OF 18 AND 32 WENT OUT AND GOT A TATTOO JUST ABOVE HER RUMPUS.
THEIR WHAT ?
BUTTOCK. TUSH. CABOOSE. IT'S TRUE... SOMEONE MUST HAVE PASSED OUT A FLYER.
HOW DID THIS ?
WELL, IT CAN BE A LITTLE HARD TO SPOT A BUMPER BUT IF YOU HEAR THEIR JEANS REALLY LOW, YOU CAN JUST SEE- HEY, I AM A SOCIAL SCIENTIST/TATTOO PHILE. I SHALL PROVE MY THEORY EMPERICALLY !
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
EXCUSE ME, MADAM, BUT WOULD YOU MIND PULLING DOWN YOUR -
THE SCIENTIFIC LIFE IS FRAUGHT WITH PERIL.

SO HOW'S EDWARD?
TERRIFIC. HE CAUGHT TWO ZEBRAS LAST WEEK AND A WATER BUFFALO ON FRIDAY.. HOW'S LARRY?
...Oooookay... Now me mad.

I'VE WRITTEN ANOTHER MOVIE REVIEW. THIS ONE'S ABOUT "LAWRENCE OF ARABIA."
PERHAPS THE GREATEST FILM EVER MADE. WHAT'D YOU SAY ABOUT IT?
"TOO MUCH SAND."
SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?
OHH, JUST A D.V.D.
"STEEL MAGNOLIAS"? DUDE DUDE DUDE,
THIS IS A CHICK FLICK.
OH, I KNOW.
IT'S FOR... MY COUSIN.
MY... GIRL COUSIN.
REALLY?
UH HUH.
...I WAS SO NOT EMOTIONALLY PREPARED FOR THAT.
SNORKT.

I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME A MOVIE REVIEWER. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIT ON YOUR BIG FAT BUTT AND SHOUT OUT OPINIONS.
OH, YEAH? THEN LET'S HEAR ONE.
"KILL BILL"...GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE, EXCEPT FOR ONE THING... THE LEVEL OF GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE.
YEAH...A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THERE'S TOO MUCH.
TOO LITTLE.
OH, LOOK...PEOPLE IN FUNNY WHITE COATS HERE TO PICK UP A SOCIOPATH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MY VIKINGS ARE BATTLING.
HAHAHAHA. THAT'S GREAT! WHAT DO THEY LIKE TO DO? KNOCK EACHOTHER IN THE HEAD WITH THOSE SPIKED CLUBS? GORE EACH OTHER WITH THOSE BIG SWORDS?
HAHA. YEAH... ALL OF THE ABOVE.
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG... GOOD FOR YOU.
I DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO TELL HIM THEY'RE SCRATCHING AND PULLING HAIR.

Honeeeeeeey... I'm hoooooooome... and I caught a zeeeeeeeeebra...
WILL YOU PLEASE STOP BUYING BUCKETS OF "KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN" AND WRITING "FRESH ZEEBRA MEAT" ON THE SIDE... IT'S EMBARRASSING... DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND I KNOW THAT'S NOT A ZEBRA IN THERE?? ARE YOU THAT DELUSIONAL??
And look... Dis one had WINGS!

WHAT WE GET FROM THE TOLSONS?
ONE OF OUR CHINA PLACE SETTINGS.
THE TOLSONS SURE ARE GENEROUS.
THEY SURE ARE. I WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE THEM AT THE WEDDING.
WHAT'S THAT NEXT GIFT?
I THINK IT'S FROM ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORS.
...WHAT IS IT?
A WASHCLOTH. ONE WASHCLOTH.
WHAT KIND OF AN @#$%&! COMES TO A WEDDING WHERE HE'S SERVED A HUNDRED DOLLAR DINNER AND BUYS THE COUPLE A FOUR DOLLAR GIFT?!?!
HOW TO PROFIT FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S WEDDINGS
HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WASHCLOTH?

RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, GLORIA STEINER, RENOWNED FEMINIST AND DEFENDER OF WOMEN'S RIGHTS.
LICKEY LICKEY LICK
NEVER STICK YOUR UNWELCOME TONGUE IN THE EAR OF A FEMINIST.
I'LL TEACH YOU TO RESPECT WOMEN!!

Hulla, zeeba neighba. Oh, no. Me have toothache.
Oh, no. Me look in mouf.
CLOMP! CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP!
AHHHHH!
Me got no hed!!
...Now DIS a funny comic.
HAHAHAHA. Dat best strip since "Sally Forth."

GENTLEMEN, THE CORPORATE LIFE BORES ME. THUS, I QUIT. BUT BEFORE I LEAVE, I’D LIKE TO UNVEIL THE COMPANY’S NEW SLOGAN FOR WHY WE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO DRILL IN ALASKA.
IT’S ONLY ALASKA
SIR, A LOT OF PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT ALASKA IS QUITE BEAUTIFUL AND THAT THE WILD-LIFE THERE NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED.
AND THAT’S WHERE MANNY THE BRIBE-TAKING MOOSE COMES IN.
PIPELINES ARE FUN!
NICE.

GENTLEMEN, RAISE THE PRICE OF GAS.
WE NEED A CREDIBLE-SOUNDING REASON, SIR.
MY REAR END ITCHES.
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
WONDERFUL, SIR.

GENTLEMEN,
RAISE THE
PRICE OF
GAS!
SIR, WE DID THAT
YESTERDAY. WE'LL
NEED A REASON.
"CONFLICT
IN THE
MIDDLE
EAST."
SIR. WE
USED THAT
TUESDAY.
"INSTABILITY
IN THE
REGION."
THAT
WAS
MONDAY.
"BECAUSE
WE CAN."
I LIKE
IT.

HELLO... ARE YOU HERE FOR THE INTERN POSITION?
YES.
WHAT ARE YOUR QUALIFI- CATIONS?
I'M GREEDY. I LIE. AND I WANT TO STEP ON THE HEADS OF THE LITTLE PEOPLE.
HMM... SOUNDS LIKE YOU MIGHT NOT BE THE RIGHT FIT FOR OUR IN- TERNSHIP.
OH? THEN WHAT AM I A GOOD FIT FOR?
GENTLEMEN... OUR NEW C.E.O.

A moment of silence
in honor of the American
men and women killed
in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Memorial Day, 2006

HEY, DUDE. SORRY I CRUSHED YOUR EGO... THESE THINGS HAPPEN ...
HI, RAT. I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD TIME, BUT I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I'M LEAVING YOU FOR ZIGGY. HE'S A REAL MAN.
WITHER
WITHER
WITHER
WITHER
SCOLOSH
I THINK I STEPPED ON A DOODY.