Pearls Before Swine | Search

Howdy do, neighbor... Listen.. My kid's selling animal crackers to raise money for the school band.
WHAT ARE THEY IN THE SHAPE OF?
Well, this one's got a whale grabbing a seal from the shore. And here he is snapping the little guy's neck. Oh, and here's a whale with half a seal hanging from his mouth. Put you down for a box?
No.
Got something against band?

WHO'S THAT SITTING NEXT TO YOU, PIG?
THAT'S STROMOSKI, THE UNDATABLE FROG.
LICKETY LICKETY LICK
I THINK HE LIKES YOU.

Hey, pal. Sorry to bother you, but I want you to know that if you’d like to come outside, it’s safe… And to prove my good faith, I’ve put a blindfold over my big white eyes.
THOSE ARE SPOTS. YOU LEFT YOUR EYES UNCOVERED...
My mistake.

HIYA, RAT. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY NEW FRIEND, "STROMOSKI THE FROG," WHO HAS TROUBLE MEETING WOMEN.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TROUBLE MEETING WOMEN?
LICKEY
LICKETY
LICK
I THINK IT'S HIS APPROACH.
STICK YOUR TONGUE IN MY EAR,
WILL YOU?!?!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
FOR REASONS UNEXPLAINED, I HAVE PERFORMED THE FIRST KIND ACT OF MY LIFE.
OH? AND WHAT IS THAT?
I DONATED THIS NICE PARK BENCH TO THE CITY, AND I EVEN LET SOME GUYS WHOSE FRIEND DIED HAVE HIS SIGN SOMEWHERE ENGRAVED ON THIS PLAQUE, SO I CHOSE PIG.
YEAH...JUST THINK...WHENEVER SOMEONE SITS BY THIS LAKE, THEY'LL THINK OF ME.
...ISN'T IT LOVELY?
GUYS I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO HAVE THE GUYS WHO WROTE 'IN MEMORY OF' FIX THE GUY'S NAME.
WHY? IT LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU SPELL IT.
F.Y.I., PIG, IT'S 'GAJWAN'.
I DOUBT ANYONE WOULD NOTICE THAT.
WELL, IF IT'S GOTTA BE FIXED, IT'S GOTTA BE FIXED. WHAT CHOICE DO YOU HAVE?
...GOODBYE, PAL.

PIG PIG PIG! THE HOT U.P.S. DRIVER IS AT THE DOOR... ARE YOU READY TO FINALLY TALK TO HER?
TO QUOTE MY FAVORITE ESPN SPORTCSASTER, STUART SCOTT, I AM AS COOL AS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PILLOW.
YOU'RE NOT NERVOUS?
COOL AS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PILLOW.
YOU'RE NOT SWEATING?
COOL AS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PILLOW.
YOU'RE NOT TONGUE-TIED?
COOL AS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PILLOW.
FLUBBIDA FLUBBIDA FLUBBIDA FLUBBIDA FLUBBIDA FLUBBIDA FLUBBIDA
DROP IT AND RUN.

I'M IN LOVE WITH THE U.P.S. GIRL.
THE CHICK THAT DELIVERS OUR PACKAGES TO US?
YES.
TRY TO MEET HER.
I'M TRYING.

Morning neighbor.. Listen.. The home- owners' association wants to build a neighborhood pool for all the kids to enjoy, but they need a grand from each of us.. You in ?
THE MINUTE I DIPPED A FLIPPER IN THAT POOL, YOU'D EAT ME.. WHY WOULD I CONTRIBUTE ?
There's no "I" in "team."

HEY, RAT... IS THE STRIP--
DUDE DUDE DUDE... DO. NOT. MOVE...THE STRIP IS PERPENDICULAR TO THE PAGE...ONE FALSE MOVE AND YOU'RE GONE FOR ALL ETERNITY.
GUYS GUYS... DON'T PANIC...JUST PUT YOUR TRUST IN ME... I WILL GET YOU OUT...EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY... I PROMISE YOU...
WOOOOAAAAHHHHH...
IT HAPPENS.

WHAT ARE THE STRIPS STILL SUPPOSED TO DO.
LISTEN, DUDE, YOU TRY DEALING WITH A CALL CENTER IN INDIA
WHEN'S IT SUPPOSED TO BE FIXED?
I DUNNO, DUDE. NEXT TIME HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE AND RELAX A LITTLE--
KSSHHT
COULD YOU HOLD ON TO THE CUP?

FANTASTIC BEAR … CALLED FOR SERVICE. WE’LL BE OUT OF HERE IN FIVE TO TEN MINUTES.
WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE MEANTIME? I’M NO EXPERT, BUT I SUGGEST WE AVOID UP-CHUCKING.
YOU’RE LOOKING UP-CHUCKING? WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! HEAR ME?! WHOA WHOA WHOA! MOVIE!

Hullo, frend.
Is you tired? Bored? Got lots of probums? Well now there is solution--Ees da revolusionary FOOD-A-MATIC!
Wild Food-a-matic, dis real-life predator come to you house to keel and eat you and make all you' unnecessary probums GONE!! But ass fast as you payin' and wait for it...leesten actual custom'r...
Hullo. Me was alive. Now me dead. And me feel GREAT!
FOOD-A-MATIC
"Why Suffer When You Can Be Supper?"
CALL NOW
JUST WHEN IT LOOKED LIKE I WASN'T GOING TO BE ABLE TO FIND YOU A BIRTHDAY PRESENT...
TURN...THE CRANK...

HI. I'VE COME TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR.
GREAT. JUST FILL OUT THESE FORMS.
HOW LONG WILL THIS TAKE?
TO FILL OUT THE FORMS?
TO GIVE YOU MY ORGANS.
...WE...WAIT UNTIL YOU DIE.
THIS MAY TAKE AWHILE.

GEEZ, THE GUY SITTING BEHIND YOU JUST WON'T STOP TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE...
...AND THE BLAH BLAH NADAR SAYS BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH SO I SAYS TO THE GUY BLAH BLAH BLAH YOU KNOW BLAH BLAH
DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE, CELL PHONE JUNKIE, DIE!!
IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

HOW DARE YOU STUPID CROCS TRY TO KILL ME IN MY OWN BED!? DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!!
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
Love you enemys.
I'M MORE OF AN OLD TESTAMENT GUY.

AHHHHHHHHHHH FROGS IN MY BED!!!!!!!!
Ohhh... Now why you have to kill Benny like dat?
ANNUSH
Allll me ees saaaayin' ees geef peece a chaaance...

And before ue kill, me just want say one ting. Dis one small Swing for croc, one giant blow for croc-kind.
Wait wait wait... Me too... Uhh... Does you feel lucky, punk? Well, does you?
Yeah yeah yeah me too. Uh.. Uh... Say herro to my leetle frend!!!
BUINK
BUNK
BUNK
BUNK
BUNK
BUNK
Okay. Dat like one speech too many.

Merry Easter, Zeeba neighba! Me is da Easter Croc and me got Easter eggs for you!
Hmm. Well, I guess I can appreciate the occasional kind gesture. Thanks. And…uh… happy Easter.
I keel da zeeeba.

DANNY DONKEY ANGRY AT THE WORLD.
DO YOU HATE ME, DANNY DONKEY?
YES I DO.
DANNY DONKEY HATED EVERYONE.
DANNY DONKEY THOUGHT EVERYONE WAS DUMB AND LET THEM KNOW IT.
I THINK YOU'RE DUMB.
THAT HURTS, DANNY DONKEY.
GOOD.
GOOD!
ONE DAY, DANNY DONKEY WENT TO THE STORE AND BOUGHT TWENTY THOUSAND BRICKS.
THAT NIGHT, WHILE THE TOWN SLEPT, DANNY DONKEY BRICKED IN EVERYONE'S DOORS AND WINDOWS.
I'M TRAPPED.
ME TOO.
CURSE THAT DANNY DONKEY.
WHEN THE SUN ROSE, THE STREETS WERE EMPTY, SAVE FOR DANNY DONKEY, WHO SAT ON HIS FAVORITE PARK BENCH AND SMOKED A CARTON OF STOLEN CIGARETTES.
I AM HAPPY NOW.
CIGARETTES
YOU MEAN I DON'T WRITE FOR CHILDREN'S BOOKS?
WHAT KIND OF BABY COMMITS A HOMICE-

HEY, PATTY POSSUM.. WHY THE LONG BLACK VEIL?
OHH, PIG... BAD NEWS.. MY HUSBAND GEORGE DIED.
OH, PATTY.. I'M SO SORRY.. I HAD NO IDEA.. WHEN DID -
RIIIIING. RIIIIING. RIIIIING...
EXCUSE ME, PIG.
...HELLO? YES. UH HUH. YES. UH HUH. OKAY. BYE...
...HE WAS FAKING.

Hey, pal...Sorry to bug you, but I’ve been wondering something...
WHAT NOW?
Well, I keep trying to kill you, but I seem to be stopped by a tiny little pane of glass. Now either that’s some super strong glass or we’ve got an idiot cartoonist who doesn’t think through his plot settings.
I THINK IT’S THE LATTER.
THEY DON’T MEAN IT, SWEETIE.

COSMOPOLITAN? GLAMOUR? SEVENTEEN? THESE BETTER NOT BE FOR THAT STUPID PIG'S VIKING ACTION FIGURES.
I'M SO SICK OF HIM TURNING TOUGH GUY TOYS INTO EFFEMINATE GIRLY-GIRLS. IF HE'S DOING IT AGAIN, I'M GONNA JUST
OH... I... UH... NEVER MIND.
IF THAT COSMO'S NOT HERE TODAY, I WILL JUST SCREAM.

OKAY, FARINA, I'M GONNA TRY TO REMAIN CALM. MY FRIEND ZEBRA TELLS ME HE SAW DILBERT SITTING IN YOUR BUBBLE...
IT'S TRUE.
WHAAAT? HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME LIKE THAT, FARINA??
LISTEN, RAT... IT WAS JUST ONE COMIC STRIP CHARACTER. DON'T MAKE IT BIGGER THAN IT IS.
YOU'RE STOMPING ON MY BLACK LITTLE LUMP OF COAL HEART, FARINA!! IS THAT WHAT YOU... IS THAT WHAT... IS THAT... IS THAT...
...IS THAT A VIKING HELMET?
SILLY HAGAR... ALWAYS FORGETTING STUFF.

ALRIGHT, FARINA!! I JUST HEARD ON THE COMICS GRAPEVINE THAT YOU WERE SEEN WITH THAT UNUTTERABLE TWIT, DILBERT!!
YOU DON'T OWN ME, RAT...IF I WANT TO SEE ANOTHER COMIC STRIP CHARACTER, I CAN...
OH! SO IT'S TRUE! YOU ADMIT IT!...I KNEW IT...I KNEW IT...TELL ME YOU DIDN'T LET HIM SIT IN YOUR BUBBLE, FARINA. AT LEAST TELL ME THAT!...
I DIDN'T.
GOOD. AT LEAST I CAN TRUST YOU.

LISTEN, FARINA, IF WE'RE GONNA DATE AGAIN, WE'VE GOTTA DECIDE IF IT'S GONNA BE, YOU KNOW... EXCLUSIVE.
NO, RAT... I JUST GOT DIVORCED. I'M NOT READY FOR THAT.
OH. GREAT...
SO YOU WANNA SEE OTHER PEOPLE?
LISTEN, RAT, IT'S A BIG TURN-OFF FOR ME WHEN YOU START TO GET OVERPOSSESSIVE.
OVERPOSSESSIVE? OVERPOSSESSIVE?? THAT'S THE WORD GIRLS USE RIGHT BEFORE THEY DATE OTHER GUYS! YOU LISTEN TO ME, FARINA, FARINA? FARINA..?
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT EVERY GUY I LET IN MY BUBBLE, DILBEAN.
DILBERT.