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I'VE STARTED A NEW PHILOSOPHY. IT'S CALLED "MULLIGANOLOGY," AND IT'S SWEEPING THE NATION.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
WELL, IN GOLF, WHEN YOU SCREW-UP A DRIVE, YOU CAN JUST SAY "MULLIGAN" AND YOU GET TO TAKE THE SHOT OVER. IT'S LIKE THE SCREWUP NEVER HAPPENED. A MULLIGANOLOGIST SEEKS TO APPLY THAT RULE TO ALL ASPECTS OF HIS LIFE.
LIKE WHAT?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH YOUR SECRETARY?!?
MULLIGAN.

SO IF WE PAY JUST $700 FOR A MILLION DOLLAR INSURANCE POLICY ON YOUR LIFE, AND YOU HAVE AN UNFORTUNATE "ACCIDENT," WE'D BE RICH... WE'D BE MILLIONAIRES.
YOU'D BE A MILLIONAIRE.
I'D BE DEAD.
DO YOU HAVE TO PUT A NEGATIVE SPIN ON EVERYTHING?

WHY'D THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Answer: 1 Mile
TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE
I SAW THAT JOKE COMING A MILE AWAY.

WELL, HELLO, LISA. WHERE YOU OFF TO?
I'M GOING ON A SINGLES CRUISE... I'M HOPING TO MEET SOMEONE I CAN FINALLY SETTLE DOWN WITH... SOMEONE WHO ACCEPTS ME FOR WHO I AM.
WELL, GOOD LUCK, 'CAUSE BOY OH BOY, YOU SURE HAVE A LOT OF BAGGAGE.
... THAT DIDN'T COME OUT RIGHT.

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FAINT
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You know, pal, the next time you want to surprise your girlfriend with a string quartet serenade for her birthday, you may want to wait till she's out of the shower.
Prahn-Zne NGRZ...

HELLO, RAT... I JUST THOUGHT I'D LEAVE YOU WITH A FEW OF MY POSSESSIONS, AS I PLAN ON DOING MYSELF IN TONIGHT.
LISTEN, ALPHONSE, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
OH MY GOODNESS! YOU CARE...!!
YOU BET I CARE...
... I DON'T WANT THIS CR@P ON MY LAWN.

HI, RAT. I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M HAVING A "CELEBRATE ALPHONSE" POLLOCK DINNER NIGHT AT MY HOUSE ON TUESDAY. JUST A CHANCE FOR MY FRIENDS TO GATHER TOGETHER AND SHARE A LITTLE BIT ABOUT WHAT I MEAN TO THEM.
DUDE... YOU DON'T GET IT... YOU'RE A PATHETIC, NEEDY, OBLIVIOUS, DRAMA QUEEN LOSER... NOBODY LIKES YOU... GO AWAY... NEVER COME BACK.
CAN I PUT YOU DOWN FOR A JELLO RING?

RAT CONFRONTS PIG'S "FUTURE-TELLING" TOASTER
THIS TOASTER CAN'T PREDICT ANYTHING... TAKE IT BACK TO THE STORE AND GET A REFUND. I WORK HARD FOR MY MONEY. I REFUSE TO BE RIPPED OFF.
CAN IT WAIT TILL TOMORROW? I TOLD SOME OF OUR NEIGHBORS ABOUT THE TOASTER'S PSYCHIC ABILITY AND THEY'RE PAYING ME SOME MONEY FOR A READING...
PREPAAAAAARE TO BE AMAZZZZZZZED!!!
THE TOASTER KNOWS!!

RAT CONFRONTS PIG'S "FUTURE-TELLING" TOASTER
THIS TOASTER'S A SHAM. HE'S JUST PREDICTING PAST EVENTS. HE NEEDS TO PREDICT A FUTURE EVENT, AND IT HAS TO BE ONE WE CAN'T CONTROL.
FINE.
MARTIN SCORSESE WILL MAKE A VIOLENT MOVIE. HUSBANDS WILL CHEAT ON THEIR WIVES. THERE WILL BE CONFLICT IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
...THAT'S NOT FAIR.
OH, AND THE VAST MAJORITY OF NEWSPAPER COMIC STRIPS WILL CONTINUE TO BE IRRELEVANT RELICS FROM THE 1930'S.
I LOVE THOSE STRIPS!

OH, GREAT TOASTER, PLEASE MAKE ANOTHER PREDICTION...
BARCELONA WILL HOST THE 1992 SUMMER OLYMPICS.
DUDE-- YOU'RE A FRAUD. ALL YOU'RE DOING IS SAYING STUFF THAT'S ALREADY HAPPENED... TELL ME SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN!!
FINE... HERE'S ONE... YOUR BAGEL WILL BE BURNED TO A CRISP... DING!!
INCREDIBLE!

HEY, LOOK AT THIS NEW
TOASTER I GOT FOR NINE
DOLLARS... IT HAS FOUR
SETTINGS, A DEFROST
FEATURE AND THE ABILITY
TO PREDICT THE FUTURE
PREDICT
THE FUTURE?
LEMME
HEAR
SOMETHING.
BJORN BORG WILL DEFEAT
JOHN MCENROE FOR THE
1979 WIMBLEDON CROWN.
DUDE, HE'S NOT PRE-
DICTING THE FUTURE.
HE'S PREDICTING
THE PAST.
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT
FOR NINE DOLLARS?

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TO TODAY'S SEANCE, WHERE WE WILL TRY TO REACH EACH OF YOUR DECEASED RELATIVES AND... WAIT... WAIT... I'M FEELING A PRESENCE ALREADY...
GOOOOAT...GOOOOAT...IT'S GRAAAAA...
GRANDPA!! GRANDPA!! HOW'VE YOU BEEN?!?!
HOLD ON...I'M FEELING ANOTHER PRESENCE...
ZEEEEBRA...ZEEEEBRA....IT'S YOUR AUNT HILDE...
AUNT HILDE!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!
HANG ON, FOLKS...SOMEONE ELSE IS WITH US...I FEEL LIKE IT'S A... BUT IT SEEMS TO BE A...
...SAUSAGE LINK??
UNCLE GEORGE!!
WHO??
PFFFFF...
IT'S MY UNCLE GEORGE! HE WAS TAKEN TO THE PARK FLOAT LAST SPRING AND NEVER SEEN AGAIN! MY BASEBALL HIT HIM AND HE FLEW BACK INTO THE LAKE! WE WERE GONNA GO FISH HIM OUT, BUT NO TIME!! WHAT--
...SORRY, DUDE...THOUGHT THIS MIGHT BE A LITTLE MORE BELIEVABLE.

Dear Pearls Reader:
We interrupt today’s scheduled strip to bring you this announcement.
Late last evening, we received a letter from the attorneys for Scott Adams, who has been featured in this week’s series of strips.
The attorneys for Mr. Adams allege that Pearls has "falsely portrayed the Dilbert creator as a bizarre, obese, insatiable and reclusive Elvis impersonator who sends his behind the gates of his mansion shooting televisions, ripping his pants, and indulging in soliloquies, and is now legally liable."
The attorneys for Mr. Adams have also asked that Stephan Pastis, the creator of the offending strips, issue a retraction in place of today's strip.
In addition, the attorneys have demanded that the first two installments of this week's strip be withdrawn from newspapers. According to the Elvis analogy in the attorneys' request took the Elvis analogy to "an inappropriate extreme" by portraying Mr. Adams atop a toilet, whereupon he subsequently expired ignominiously of a drug overdose."
While the creator of Pearls will issue neither an apology nor a retraction, he has agreed to withhold a publication of the first two panels.
We rejoin the strip in progress.
...AND HE WAS SUCH A PROMISING CARTOONIST.

I'M SORRY, BUT DOES SCOTT ADAMS ALWAYS SPEND THE NIGHT DOING KARATE MOVES ON HIS FRONT LAWN?
YES... BUT HE STOPS AT SUNRISE.
THEN WHAT?
THEN HE EATS SIX FRIED PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES, GETS SOME PILLS FROM DR. NICK AND SLEEPS 'TIL NOON.
AGAIN, MR. ADAMS?

RAT TRAPPED INSIDE THE GATES OF
SCOTT ADAMS' GRACEREBT MANSION
AND I REALLY RELLY THINK THE BOSS AN
ETCH-A-SKETCH!
SHUT UP! YOUR BROWN-
NOSING HAS ANGERED MR.
ADAMS. NOW YOU'VE MADE
HIM SHOOT A TELEVISION.
LISTEN, MA'AM, I
KNOW YOU THINK
IT WAS ME IN
THAT BULLDOZER,
BUT IT WASN'T...
IF YOU UNITE ME,
I'LL TELL YOU WHO IT
WAS AND BRING HIM
TO YOU, I SWEAR.
MR. ADAMS SAYS YOU
HAVE TEN
MINUTES TO GET
THAT PERSON
HERE...
MUMRUM MRMMMM
MMMUM
MMMM MMM
GMMUM
SCOTT ADAMS?
THE SCOTT ADAMS?
THE ONE WHO DRAWS
"DILBERT?" YOU BET
I'D LOVE TO COME TO
HIS HOUSE!

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT MR. ADAMS WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE DAMAGE YOU'VE CAUSED TO THE GATES OF GRACEBERT.
FINE... BIG DEAL... WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS?... I'M NOT AFRAID OF SOME FOUR-EYED, "DOCKERS"-WEARING, POCKET-PROTECTOR-LOVING ENGINEERING LOSER...
...YOU REALLY NEED TO UPDATE YOUR WEB PHOTO.

WHY ARE YOU SITTING IN A BULLDOZER OUTSIDE OF SCOTT ADAMS' HOUSE?!
PUTT PUTT PUTT
ROOM ROOM
BECAUSE THAT LITTLE FRAUD RIPPED OFF "PEARLS" BY STICKING A RAT IN HIS COMIC STRIP!! HE EVEN CALLS HIM "RATBERT"! SO I'M GONNA GIVE THAT SKINNY LIL' OFFICE GEEK A LESSON IN COPYRIGHT ENFORCEMENT THAT HE WON'T SOON FORGET!!
BUT RATBERT PRECEDED YOU BY AT LEAST TEN YEARS!!
...THAT'S THE SORT OF THING I'D LIKE TO KNOW BEFORE I RENT THE BULLDOZER.

MR. ADAMS' RESIDENCE.
YEAH, I WANT TO TALK TO SCOTT. NOW.
AND WHO ARE YOU?
A COMICS SUPERSTAR.
ZIGGY, ZIPPY OR MARMALADE?
DUKE.
THE DUKE OF WHAT?
IT'S MARMADUKE.
YOU'RE THE DUKE OF MARMADUKE?
I TAKE IT YOU DON'T READ THE COMICS.
NOT SINCE LARSON RETIRED.

THESE ARE MY PET PEEVES. "MARK" AND "PATTY."
I DIDN'T THINK YOU WANTED PETS.
WELL, YOU'RE WRONG... AND STOP EATING THAT DONUT.
WHY?
IT'S ONE OF MY PET PEEVES.
SORRY... I DIDN'T KNOW IT BOTHERED YOU.
IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME... YOU JUST SHOULDN'T EAT SOMETHING THAT'S NOT YOURS.
WHOSE IS IT?
I JUST TOLD YOU.
YOU JUST SAID IT WAS ONE OF YOUR PET PEEVES.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHAT'S RIGHT?
THAT IT'S ONE OF MY PET PEEVES.
AHHH! I GIVE UP! MY BRAIN NEEDS A REST! I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE AND TAKE A NAP!!
...HAVEN'T YOU CAUSED ENOUGH TROUBLE?

LISTEN RAT YOU'VE GOTTA COME BACK TO "PEARLS"
DUDE LISTEN I JUST RAN SMACK DEAD INTO THE MOST BLATANT CASE OF COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT I'VE EVER SEEN I'M HOLDING THE OFFENDING CHARACTER HOSTAGE 'TIL HE GIVES ME THE ADDRESS OF HIS CREATOR
SOMEONE RIPPED OFF "PEARLS"?
DUDE IT'S OBSCENE THE GUY MADE A RAT ONE OF HIS CHARACTERS AND GET THIS HE DOESN'T NAME HIM "BOB" OR " DAVE" HE NAMES HIM...AWW HECK I'LL LET HIM TELL YOU
"RATBERT"
... START TALKING SPLATBERT

RAT? WHERE ARE YOU NOW?
'ROSE IS ROSE'... AND I THINK I'M STAYING... IT'S THE BEST GIG YET.
OH... I LOVE 'ROSE IS ROSE'... THE SWEET, LOVING PARENTS... THAT CUTE LITTLE PASQUALE... THE PRETTY RAINBOWS... THAT MUST BE WHY YOU LOVE IT, HUH? ...
UH... YEAH...

LISTEN, RAT...YOU GOTTA COME BACK TO "PERRA'S"...YOU CAN'T JUST HANG OUT IN OTHER STRIPS.
OH, IT'S BETTER THAN THAT, DUDE...CHECK THIS OUT...I WANDERED OVER TO "LILIAN" AND GUESS WHAT...GREG EVANS WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND...SO I GAVE HIS CHARACTERS SOME "ADMENDED" DIALOGUE...
RAT...LISTEN TO ME...I'M SERIOUS. YOU CANNOT WRITE YOUR OWN DIALOGUE FOR OTHER COMIC STRIP CHARACTERS...THE CREATORS WILL GO NUTS!
OH. RELAX LOSER...THE DIALOGUE ADJUSTMENTS WERE MINOR...ANYHOW, I GOTTA GO...WE'RE REHEARSING A SCENE...
...I'M LEAVING YOUR FATHER FOR AARON HILL...THIS YOUNG, HOT STUD ROCKS MY WORLD.

HEY, PIG... IT'S ME, RAT.
RAT? YOU GOTTA COME BACK TO "PEARLS" RIGHT NOW... EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE ON THE RUN AND YOU'RE BOUND TO GET CAUGHT SOONER OR--
OH, SHUT UP, YOU WHINY COWARD... I'M NOT AFRAID. I CAN HANG OUT IN ANY STRIPS I WANT... AND BESIDES, GEORGE BUSH IS A FOOL!!
GEORGE BUSH?? WHAT'S HE GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING??
HOW WAS THAT?
BETTER.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
YOU DIDN'T HEAR? HE BUSTED OUT OF 'PEARLS' YESTERDAY... WE THINK HE MAY BE HIDING IN OTHER STRIPS.
AREN'T THE COMIC POLICE AFTER HIM?
YEAH... WE'RE JUST HOPING THEY FIND HIM BEFORE HE CAUSES HARM TO SOME NICE COMIC STRIP FAMILY.
...BEAT IT, CHROME-DOME... SHE'S MINE.

WHOA... WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
RAT BUSTED OUT LAST NIGHT... HE'S PROBABLY ALL THE WAY TO ANOTHER STRIP BY NOW.
ANOTHER STRIP?? PIG, HIS INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR CAN BE JARRINGLY OUT OF PLACE IN ANOTHER STRIP.
OHH... HOW BAD CAN IT BE?
... BEAT IT, FATTY... SHE'S MINE.