Pearls Before Swine | Search

I HATE MY NEIGHBOR.
MY NEIGHBOR IS A MORON.
WHEN I SEE MY NEIGHBOR, I WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD.
PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD!
PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD!
PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD!
WOOHOO! YEAHHH!
BRAVO! BRAVO!
WAY TO GO! MAN GO!
WHY YOU GIVING ME THIS?
YOU WON THE POETRY CONTEST.
POETRY CONTEST? I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE CITY COUNCIL MEETING.
...AND THAT'S WHEN THEY TOOK THE TROPHY AWAY.

Y'KNOW, THAT GIRL YOU WERE TALKING TO DOES SOME VOLUNTEER WORK WITH KIDDLAND...SHE AND MY EX-WIFE ARE FRIENDS...
MY EX AND YOUR EX ARE FRIENDS?? DON'T YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS? GIRLS TELL EACH OTHER EVERYTHING ABOUT THEIR BOYFRIENDS AND HUSBANDS!
OHH...DON'T WORRY...
...ALTHOUGH I DO FIND IT ODD YOU USED TO CRY IN HER ARMS AFTER MAKING OUT.
AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

SO WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE, FARINA?...IT'S NOT OFTEN THAT THE GIRL WHO BROKE YOUR HEART AND LEFT YOU FOR ANOTHER GUY COMES BACK TO SEE YOU.
WELL, MY HUSBAND AND I WERE WONDERING IF YOU COULD BABYSIT OUR DAUGHTER WHILE WE GO ON A TWO-WEEK ROMANTIC GETAWAY TO THE BAHAMAS.
...WHY'D YOU JUMP IN THE HEDGES?
LORD? IS THAT YOU?

SO YOU'RE DOING OKAY, RAT?
OH, YES. IN FACT, SINCE WE BROKE UP, I'VE REALLY MATURED AND GROWN INTELLECTUALLY, MOSTLY BY ASSOCIATING MYSELF WITH A HIGHER CLASS OF PEOPLE.
HEY, DUDE, THE JOHN'S CLOGGED. YA GOT A HANGER? OR SHOULD I ASK PIG?
... AND HOW ARE YOU DOING?
DUDE DUDE DUDE! YOU'RE FLUSHING MY @#%$%^$# PAW DOWN THE CAN!!

FARINA, IT'S YOU! IT'S REALLY YOU! HOW'S YOUR LIFE GOING?
OH, GOOD, GOOD...I'M HAPPILY MARRIED. WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER. WE HAVE A BIG, NEW HOUSE BY THE GOLF COURSE. AND YOU?
WHOA, SORRY TO INTERRUPT, FARINA, BUT IF ME AND RAT DON'T LEAVE NOW FOR THE `STAR WARS' CONVENTION, ALL THE GOOD STORMTROOPER COSTUMES WILL BE TAKEN.
SO...NEW HOUSE, HUH?

FARINA, IT'S YOU!
YES, RAT. IT'S ME. DID YOU EXPLAIN TO ALL THE "PEARLS" READERS WHO I AM AND ABOUT OUR PAST RELATIONSHIP ?
I DID. WE HAD TO USE AN ENTIRE STRIP YESTERDAY JUST TO EXPLAIN IT ALL.
OH, NO... I'M SORRY...
WELL, AT LEAST THE NEW READERS ARE NOW UPDATED, SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO WASTE ANY MORE STRIPS.
WE DID IT AGAIN.
WOW. BREVITY IS SO IMPORTANT IN THIS MEDIUM.

THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR FOR YOU.
WHO IS IT?
IT'S MY SISTER, FARINA.
YOUR SISTER, FARINA? YOU MEAN THE GIRL WHO LIVES IN A PLASTIC BUBBLE 'CAUSE SHE'S A GERMAPHOBE? THE GIRL I FELL IN LOVE WITH? THE GIRL WHO REJECTED ME BECAUSE I WAS NOT A BUBBLE BOY? THE GIRL WHO WENT ON TO MARRY SOMEONE ELSE AND HAVE A KID, FOREVER BREAKING MY HEART AND HELPING TO TURN ME INTO THE CYNIC I AM TODAY?
AUTHORS NOTE: DUE TO THE PRECEDING STORY UPDATE, WHICH WAS NECESSITATED BY THE FACT THAT "PEARLS" CONTINUES TO PICK UP NEW READERS, THE READERS OF WHICH ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH PAST STORY LINES, I ASKED THE EDITORS OF MANY PAPERS IF I COULD BORROW SOME SPACE FROM "MARY WORTH", BUT THEY SAID NO.
I APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.
Yours,

HEY THERE, RAT... WANT TO PLAY SOME INDOOR FOOTBALL?
ARE YOU INSANE? IT'S SUNDAY, YOU MORON!!
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
DUDE, ON SUNDAY, OUR STRIP APPEARS IN COLOR. THAT COLOR FILE HAS TO BE PLACED VERY CAREFULLY OVER THE BLACK AND WHITE LAYERS, SO ALL THE COLORS ARE IN EXACTLY THE RIGHT PLACE...
HOW DOES FOOTBALL AFFECT THAT?
HO? DUDE, IF YOU RUN INTO ONE OF THE WALLS, YOU COULD JAR ALL THE LINEART OUT OF ALIGNMENT, THROWING OFF THE PRINT REGISTRATION FOR MILLIONS OF 'PEARLS' READERS.
PRINT REGISHWUUUU--
REGISTRATION.
HEEEEY... LOVE WHAT YOU DID WITH THE PLACE...

I HEAR YOUR ZEBRA HERD HAS STARTED GIVING BALLET LESSONS TO THE CROCODILES...
YEAH... WE FIGURE THAT ONCE THEY HAVE AN APPRECIATION FOR THE FINE ARTS, IT WILL BE A LOT HARDER FOR THEM TO EVER KILL ANOTHER LIVING CREATURE.
...OKAY, SO FROM NOW ON, TEARING APART YOUR INSTRUCTOR WILL BE CALLED A "PLIE´"

I HEAR YOU GOT A JOB WRITING SYMPATHY CARDS FOR A GREETING CARD COMPANY.
YEAH. LISTEN TO THIS ONE. IT'S FOR PEOPLE WHO'VE LOST A MOTHER-IN-LAW.
"...THERE IS NOT MUCH
THAT CAN BE SAID
WHEN YOUR IN-LAW
WINDS UP DEAD..."
"...INTO YOUR LIFE
SHE ALWAYS POKED.
SO SMILE NOW,
FOR SHE HAS CROAKED."
SOMETIMES THERE'S
A FINE LINE BETWEEN
SYMPATHY AND OUTRIGHT
CONGRATULATIONS.

I GOT A JOB WRITING SYMPATHY CARDS.
HOW NICE. THOSE ARE VERY IMPORTANT. READ ME ONE.
"I hear that you've
lost someone dear.
Shake it off
and have a beer."
HOPE IT'S NOT TOO TOUCHY-FEELY.

SO DO YOU HAVE A WIFE, LEONARD?
SORT OF. WE'RE SEPARATED, BUT WE STILL SEE EACH OTHER BECAUSE WE WORK AT THE SAME PLACE.
SHE DRESSES UP AS A BEAR, TOO.?
YEAH... AND IT CAN BE A LITTLE AKWARD WHEN WE FIGHT.
YOU'RE NOTHING. YOU'RE A JOKE. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.
I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN YOUR BIG FAT HEAD.
LET'S GO HOME, HMM.

PIG, THIS IS LEONARD. HE HAS A BAD JOB AND NO-WHERE TO LIVE.
GEE, YOU HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS.
AH, IT'S NOT SO BAD.
HOW NICE... YOU'RE SO POSITIVE DESPITE YOUR TRAGIC CIRCUMSTANCE.
TRAGIC? WHAT'S SO TRAGIC?
A BEAR IS EATING YOU.
LEMME GUESS. THIS IS THE DUMB ONE IN THE STRIP.
BE BRAVE, MY DESPERATE FRIEND!!

HI... I'M LEONARD... I'M HERE ABOUT THE RENTAL.
HOLY MOTHER OF SASQUATCH! WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
OH, THIS? I WORK OVER AT KIDDIELAND. I'M "TIMOUL, THE SELF-ESTEEM-BUILDING BEAR."
SO YOU WALK AROUND THE PARK AND HELP KIDS BUILD THEIR SELF-ESTEEM?
MOSTLY, I JUST GET PUNCHED IN THE @#%!*
OOOHH... NO KIDS FOR LEONARD.

RAT SAYS THIS SIX ACTOR CAN'T MAKE ANY MORE MOVIES BECAUSE HE'S UNDER SIX FEET.
HE'S SIX FEET, UNDER.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
YOU SAID 'UNDER SIX FEET'.
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.
THE FORMER IS DEAD.
HOW DID THE FARMER DIE?
HOW DID THE FORMER FARMER DIE?
FORGET IT... ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS THAT THE LATTER IS TOO SHORT.
FELL OFF
HE FELL OFF?
THE LADDER.
WHAT?
THE LADDER.
NO ONE FELL OFF ANY LADDER!!
-HE WAS PUSHED?-
AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUHH!!
...I'D LIKE TO REPORT A SUSPICIOUS GOAT.

HI, I'M HERE ABOUT THE ROOM YOU'RE LEASING.
FINE... TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.
WELL, IN THE LAST MONTH, I LOST MY JOB, AND I LOST MY WIFE. ALL I GOT NOW IS MY PET SQUIRREL, MCGARRY, WHO I KEEP UNLEASHED AND TAKE WITH ME EVERYWHERE. HE'S ALL THIS LOSER HAS LEFT.
HONK! HONK! SCREEEECH!
THUMP THUMP
... AND THE WORST PART
IS, THAT SQUIRREL
JUMPED IN FRONT OF
THE BUS.

HI. I'M COLIN. I'D LIKE TO RENT THE ROOM YOU LISTED IN THE PAPER.
WELL, KEEP WALKIN', BIG GUY, 'CAUSE I'M NOT RENTING A ROOM TO A GUY NAMED 'COLON.'
IT'S 'COLIN!'
BEAT IT, COLON. YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE ROOM. AND IF YOU GOT A BROTHER NAMED 'URETHRA,' HE AIN'T GETTING IT EITHER.
...SOMEWHERE A CRUEL MOTHER IS LAUGHING.

Hi. I'm here to see the room you're subletting.
PREPARE TO GET FLEECED, SUCKER.
Forget it. I'm not interested anymore.
What? Why?
I READ THE THOUGHT BALLOON ABOVE YOUR HEAD IN THE FIRST PANEL.
Curse this cartoon life.

DUDE, WE'RE SHORT ON THE RENT AGAIN.
WELL, GEE, I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE MONEY.
THAT DOES IT... WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO SUBLET ONE OF THE ROOMS TO SOME DESPERATE LOSER LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO STAY.
I.... ALREADY LIVE HERE.
YOU COME FROM A LARGE TRIBE, MY FRIEND.

HOW ARE THE ELECTION RETURNS?
BAD... I LOST BIGTIME... AND IT'S ALL THAT STUPID PIG'S FAULT.
WHAT DID PIG DO?
I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO A BALLGAME TO KISS SOME BABIES AND THROW OUT THE FIRST BALL, BUT I COULDN'T MAKE IT, SO I SENT PIG IN MY PLACE.
BUT HOW DID THAT LOSE YOU THE ELECTION?
HOW? I'LL TELL YOU HOW...
"KISS"
AAAAH!!!

THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES
SIR... WHY SHOULD SOMEONE VOTE FOR YOU OVER RALPH NADER?
BECAUSE NADER IS A NUTBALL.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE IF YOU'LL RECALL, IT WAS ONLY A FEW DECADES AGO THAT RALPH NADER FORCED THE BIG THREE AUTO MAKERS TO MAKE CARS SAFER.
YEEEES, BUT IF YOU HATE OTHER PEOPLE AS MUCH AS I DO, YOU'LL SEE THAT THAT'S NOT NECESSARILY A GOOD THING.
...I'D LIKE FIVE MINUTES TO REBUT MYSELF.

DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DONG
TRICK OR TREAT!
HI, RAT.
HI, PIG.
HI!
HEY, GUYS, NOT TO BE A JERK ABOUT IT, BUT I HATE IT WHEN I GET TRICK-OR-TREATERS WHO DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO WEAR A COSTUME.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, BUT I JUST CAN'T GIVE YOU ANY CANDY... SEE YA...
... YOU STUPID MORON... I TOLD YOU THIS WAS A BAD IDEA...
... AND I WORKED SO HARD ON THESE...

THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES
LISTEN, RAT, THIS IS A LIST OF FAMOUS LINES FROM PAST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES... IF YOU GET IN TROUBLE, OR SAY SOMETHING DUMB, YOU MIGHT WANT TO USE ONE.
GOTCHA.
... MR. RAT...
WHY SHOULD SOMEONE VOTE FOR YOU OVER SENATOR KERRY?
WELL... MR. KERRY'S FIRST NAME IS JOHN, AND A "JOHN" IS WHAT WE CALL A MAN WHO'S BEEN PICKED UP IN A PROSTITUTION STING...
WHERE'S THE BEEF??

WELCOME TO C.N.N.'S "NEWSNIGHT"... HERE'S YOUR HOST, AARON BROWN...
WELCOME, FOLKS. TONIGHT WE EXPLORE THE CURIOUS PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDACY OF RAT...
TO BEGIN, LET'S START WITH "THE WHIP" AND OUR VERY OWN WOLF BLITZER, WHO'S STANDING BY WITH THE CANDIDATE IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
HAVE YOU BEEN A BAD BAD BOY, WOLFIE?
...PERHAPS I MISUNDERSTOOD THE CONCEPT.

SIR, IF ELECTED ON YOUR ANTI-FRENCH PLATFORM, WHAT ELSE WILL YOU TRY TO DO?
WELL, YOU'VE HEARD OF CHANGING "FRENCH FRIES" TO "FREEDOM FRIES"
BUT I'LL EXPAND THAT TO OTHER THINGS...
SUCH AS WHAT, SIR?
WELL, LARRY BIRD WILL NOW BE FROM "FREEDOM" LICK, INDIANA. MR. FRENCH, THE BUTLER FROM "A FAMILY AFFAIR," WILL NOW BE "MR. FREEDOM," AND A KISS INVOLVING TONGUE WILL NOW BE...
LEMME GUESS... A "FREEDOM KISS," SIR?
YES. AND COULD C.N.N.'S PAULA ZAHN PLEASE COME TO THE FRONT FOR A DEMONSTRATION?