Pearls Before Swine | Search

RAT, THE LIFE COACH
...AND I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF CAREER I
— I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S REAL HARD TO TALK TO YOU DOING THAT…
HEY, LISTEN, PAL. I PLAY RACQUETBALL. AND IF I WANT TO PRACTICE AGAINST MY OFFICE WALL WHILE YOU YAP, I CAN...NOW KEEP GOING. I'M LISTENING.
WELL, OKAY... UH, LET'S SEE, WHERE WAS I...?
...BALL, PLEASE.

RAT, THE LIFE COACH
...AND WHEN MY WIFE DIED IN '92, MY LIFE TOTALLY FELL APART, AND I CAN'T GET IT BACK ON TRACK.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FARM ANIMAL?
WHAT'S THAT HAVE TO DO WITH MY WIFE?
NOTHING. WHY DO YOU ASK?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WAS DISCUSSING.
SORRY...I WASN'T LISTENING.

RAT, THE LIFE COACH
...AND REALLY, I BLAME MOST OF MY PROBLEMS ON MY PARENTS, WHO ALWAYS---I'M SORRY...BUT YOU JUST DON'T SEEM VERY SYMPATHETIC TO THE PROBLEMS OTHERS HAVE CAUSED ME.
NO ONE CARES
...YOU'RE VERY SENSITIVE.

RAT, THE LIFE COACH
...AND SO MY CAREER SEEMS TO BE
GOING NOWHERE AND MY GIRLFRIEND
AND I ARE HAVING SOME REAL
TRUST ISSUES AND...OH...ARE YOU
WRITING DOWN WHAT I'M SAYING?
YEAH. SO FAR I HAVE,
"BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. OH, SWEET JESUS, MAKE
HIM SHUT HIS MOUTH."
SORRY...THAT LAST NOTE
WAS MINE.

DID YOU HEAR RAT GOT A JOB AS A "LIFE COACH"?
WHAT'S A LIFE COACH?
THEY'RE THESE COUNSELORS WHO LISTEN TO YOUR PROBLEMS AND PROVIDE YOU WITH THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT YOU NEED TO SOLVE THEM AND ACHIEVE YOUR LIFE'S GOALS.
...YOU SURE RAT CAN DO THAT?
SURE. HOW HARD CAN IT BE?
COULD YOU BE A BIGGER LOSER?

HAVE YOU SEEN PIGITA LATELY?
I SAW HER TODAY AT THE RECEPTION.
WHAT RECEPTION?
HER WORK HAD ITS ANNUAL EMPLOYEE AWARDS BANQUET HELD IN THE BASEMENT OF A FERTILITY CLINIC AND PET CREMATORIUM.
HOW WAS IT?
IT WAS A LITTLE BORING, SO I SORT OF SNUCK AWAY TO SOME OF THE GAMES THE FAIR HAS.
HOW DID YOU DO?
I WON THAT GAME WHERE YOU SHOOT THE HOOPS AT THE TABLE, BUT THEY WOULDN'T GIVE ME MY PRIZE CUZ THEY SAID THEY RAN OUT.
YEAH...THAT PLACE HAS A BAD REPUTATION ABOUT PAYING OFF THE PRIZES.
WHAT?
I ENTERED THIS CONTEST FOR WHO COULD MAKE THE BEST BREAD DOUGH. THE WINNER WON HIS WEIGHT IN FREE PIES. JUDGES WOULDN'T GIVE ME THE PRIZE CUZ THEY SAID YOU CAN'T GIVE A PIE AS A PRIZE FOR MAKING BREAD.
ACTUALLY, IVE HEARD THAT IF YOU'RE PERSISTENT ENOUGH, THEY'LL LET YOU KEEP THE DOUGH CONSOLATION AWARD.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
THAT'S FAIR. THAT'S FAIR.
YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT. BUT IF YOU TRY SOMETIMES, YOU JUST MIGHT FIND, YOU GET WHAT YOU KNEAD.
AND

Dear Tiger Woods,
Ever since you got married to that hot Swedish model, you have not won as many golf tournaments.
Do you ever sit around the house in a stained undershirt and yell, “WOMAN!… YOU’RE DESTROYING ME!!…”?
…P.S. Let’s get a beer some time.

THIS BOOK SAYS THAT THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER CHILD.
DO I HAVE AN INNER CHILD?
YEP.
...I DON'T CARE WHAT HE TOLD YOU... YOU'RE TAKING OFF THAT MATERNITY DRESS.
WAIT! I FELT A KICK!

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
IT'S THE NEW THOMAS JEFFERSON BIOGRAPHY.
OH, GEE, I'D LOVE TO READ ABOUT THOSE FOUNDING FATHER GUYS, BUT I ALWAYS GET HUNG UP ON SOMETHING.
IS IT THE FACT THAT SO MANY OF THESE MEN WHO PROCLAIMED THE IMPORTANCE OF FREEDOM WERE ACTUALLY SLAVE OWNERS?
NO... IT'S THE FACT THAT IN THE 1770s, THERE WAS NO DEODORANT. THINK ABOUT IT... EVERYONE SMELLED.
I...I'LL BE LEAVING NOW.
I GUESS THE "MIRACLE IN PHILADELPHIA" WAS THAT NOBODY PASSED OUT.

HEY, RAT. HAVE YOU MET MY FRIEND, DAN?
HEY THERE...WHOA, DUDE. YOU'VE GOT SOME MAJOR INK MARKS ON YOUR JACKET.
OH, I KNOW. I WROTE ON IT... IT SAYS, "I AM SO HAPPY," "I AM SO MAD," AND "MAN, AM I BUMMED."
DAN LIKES TO WEAR HIS FEELINGS ON HIS SLEEVE.

DID YOU EVER NOTICE HOW EVERY TIME THE NEWS DISCUSSES AL-QAEDA, THEY SHOW THE SAME TRAINING VIDEO WHERE THESE MORONS SWING ON MONKEY BARS?
I MEAN, IT MAKES YOU WONDER, IF THESE IDIOTS THOUGHT SWINGING ON MONKEY BARS WAS INTIMIDATING ENOUGH TO PUT ON THEIR VIDEO, WHAT SHOTS DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT?
NO PUSH ME, AHMED.
YAY!
NO! NO! CUT!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP ON THE ROOF, PIG?
I'M LOOKING FOR MY COCKTAIL.
YOU STUPID PIG... THERE ARE NO COCKTAILS ON OUR ROOF.
THAT'S NOT TRUE. I JUST VISITED MY FRIEND, BOB THE BARTENDER, AND HE TOLD ME MY NEXT DRINK'S ON THE HOUSE.
YOU KEEP LOOKING, PAL, AND CHECK ALL AROUND THE EDGE... GOOD COCKTAILS ARE ALWAYS RIGHT ON THE EDGE.
THANKS, BUDDY!

WELL, RAT, I'M AFRAID YOU HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AND HIGH CHOLESTEROL.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS YOU NEED TO CUT OUT THE JUNK FOOD, THE SMOKING AND THE DRINKING... AND NO MORE BEING A COUCH POTATO.
...FROM NOW ON, YOU'LL NEED TO EAT A LOT OF GREEN VEGETABLES, LIKE BROCCOLI, AND YOU'VE GOT TO GET OUT AND RUN AT LEAST FOUR TIMES A WEEK.
AND IF I DO ALL THAT, WHAT'LL HAPPEN?
YOU'LL LIVE MANY MORE YEARS.
DURING WHICH I CAN EAT MORE BROCCOLI AND RUN EVEN MORE?
YOU BET.
...WELL THAT WAS A NO-BRAINER.

Hello, zeeba neighba.. Today we
feel God love by holding hand and
singing "Kumbaya" wid our zeeba
brudders... Pleese join wid us and
feel God love...
WHY IS THERE A HALF-EATEN
ZEBRA LEG LAYING NEXT TO
YOUR BARBECUE?
... God no love him.

HEY!
WHAT'S THAT
THING?
IT'S A OUIJA BOARD. SPIRITS
FROM THE AFTERLIFE GUIDE
YOUR HANDS OVER A SERIES
OF LETTERS AND THEREBY
COMMUNICATE IMPORTANT
MESSAGES TO YOU FROM THE
GREAT BEYOND... WAIT! I
THINK IT'S MOVING!
P...I...G... IS... A... B-I-G, F-A-T, M-O-R-O-N.
P-L-E-A-S-E... P-U-N-C-H...H-I-M... I-N...T-H-E...
H-E-A-D...
... SOMEHOW
I IMAGINED
THE AFTERLIFE
TO BE A MORE
PEACEFUL...
PLACE.
D-U-U-U-D-E...YOU...
H-A-V-E... L-I-K-E...
T-O-T-A-L-L-Y...
P-I-S-S-E-D...
T-H-E...G-O-D-S...

A LITTLE BIRD LANDED ON
MY WINDOWSILL THIS MORN-
ING. I ASKED HIM WHO HE
WAS. HE SAID, "I'M THE
BLUEBIRD OF HAPPINESS...I'M
HERE TO BRING YOU JOY."
I WAS SO HAPPY, I
CRIED...THEN I HUGGED
HIS FRAGILE LITTLE BODY...
...HARD.
I HOPE THERE ARE
TWO BLUEBIRDS OF
HAPPINESS.

Hullo... These ees police. Begg maggadoule 11.8 eertquake coneen you way.. Run out fromn door now and PANIC!! We serious!!!
Okay, guys, three things... First, earthquakes aren't predictable... Second, even if they were, I really don't think emergency personnel would call recommending "panic"... And third, I can see one of your fat friends on my lawn...
LARRY, YOU FOOL!!!

HAPPY B-DAY, PIG!
I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LIKE TROPHIES, BUT CAN NEVER WIN ANY, SO I HAD ONE MADE FOR YOU.
WOW. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU REMEMBERED! HOW SWEET! AND LOOK! YOU ENGRAVED IT!
..."TO PIG, THE BIGGEST FAILURE I KNOW."
...IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

Helloooo, Zeeba neighba!
Today we do chores around house... feex tings up, y'know? How 'bouts you help us wid "to-do" leest? Must feex bafroom leeks.
LEMME SEE THAT.
UHH... WELL... BUT... YOU...
TO DO:
1) Get Zeeba feex fayke leeks.
2) Byte off zeeba hed.
3) Eet.
Me prefers you no see dat.

WOW… WHAT DID YOU PAY FOR THE TROPHY?
PAY? DUDE, I DIDN’T PAY ANYTHING… I WON IT.
JIMINY CHRISTMAS. WHAT A BARGAIN!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, “BARGAIN”?
I MEAN THAT GETTING A TROPHY FOR FREE IS A REAL BARGAIN.
DUDE, TROPHIES ARE SOMETHING PEOPLE TRADITIONALLY BUY THEM. PEOPLE GIVE THEM TO YOU WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING GREAT…
BUT YOU COULD BUY ONE.
WELL, SURE, BUT YOU’D HAVE TO BE ONE HECKUVA COMPLETE LOSER TO WALK INTO A TROPHY SHOP AND BUY YOUR OWN TROPHY.
THAT HURTS.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT WHICH WAY TO THE AUTO PARTS STORE?
THAT WAY... IT'S THREE MILES, AS THE CROW FLIES.
IS THAT THE FASTEST WAY?
YEP.
CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!
... I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

HEY, GUYS. HOW MANY BOOKS HAVE YOU SOLD?
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, YOU LITTLE BOOKSTORE FLUNKY. NOW PLEASE... GO BACK TO SETTING UP YOUR USELESS "HARRY POTTER" DISPLAYS
I'D LIKE TO, BUT THE STORE WANTS ME TO CLEAN UP YOUR TABLE. BILL AMEND, THE GUY WHO DRAWS "FOXTROT", HAS A SIGNING HERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
OH, PLEASE...
I'VE SEEN THAT STRIP...
MR. AMEND SHALL SIT ALONE, PONDERING HIS PITIFUL ABSENCE OF FANS...
......CLEARLY, MR. AMEND INVITED FAMILY.

HEY, RAT, LOOK! IT'S STEPHAN PASTIS, CREATOR OF "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE."
WELL, WHADDYA KNOW. MY COMIC STRIP CHARACTER HAS A BOOK OF HIS OWN CARTOONS...
STEP AWAY FROM THE TABLE, YOU OVERRATED @#%&*. THIS IS MY MOMENT IN THE SUN. I'LL POUND YOU IN THE HEAD IF YOU START PIMPING YOUR OWN STUPID BOOK -
PLEASE...I'M NOT GONNA USE YOUR MOMENT TO PLUG THIS MONTH'S RELEASE OF THE FOURTH "PEARLS" BOOK, "NIGHTHOGS."
...AND REMEMBER, WHAT HAPPENS AT "BARNES AND NOBLE" STAYS AT "BARNES AND NOBLE."

HELLO, SIR.. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A BOOK OF MY FRIEND'S COMIC STRIP?
COMIC STRIP? WHAT'S A COMIC STRIP?
IT WAS A ONCE THRIVING MEDIUM KILLED BY DECADES OF MEDIOCRITY, FUELED BY THE INSIDIOUS TRADITION OF OLDER STRIPS NEVER GOING AWAY, RESULTING IN AN ARITHMETIC GENERATION OF YOUNGER READERS WHO NO LONGER HAVE REASON TO EVEN OPEN THEIR NEWSPAPER.
NEWSPAPER?

RAT'S BOOK SIGNING
OH, LOOK, PIG... WE'VE BEEN APPROACHED BY YET ANOTHER ONE OF THE LITTLE PEOPLE, SEEKING THE AUTOGRAPH OF A COMIC STRIP LEGEND... HAND ME A BOOK... I SHALL SATISFY THE PLEBIAN'S REQUEST.
MEET RAT, CREATOR OF
SORRY TO BUG YOU GUYS, BUT DO YOU KNOW WHICH WAY THE MEN'S ROOM IS?
MEET RAT, CREATOR OF
... RAT GROWS WEARY OF HIS DEMANDING FAN BASE.
MEET RAT, CREATOR OF "DICKIE THE COCKROACH"!