Pearls Before Swine | Search

Hey, pal...Sorry to bug you, but I’ve been wondering something...
WHAT NOW?
Well, I keep trying to kill you, but I seem to be stopped by a tiny little pane of glass. Now either that’s some super strong glass or we’ve got an idiot cartoonist who doesn’t think through his plot settings.
I THINK IT’S THE LATTER.
THEY DON’T MEAN IT, SWEETIE.

COSMOPOLITAN? GLAMOUR? SEVENTEEN? THESE BETTER NOT BE FOR THAT STUPID PIG'S VIKING ACTION FIGURES.
I'M SO SICK OF HIM TURNING TOUGH GUY TOYS INTO EFFEMINATE GIRLY-GIRLS. IF HE'S DOING IT AGAIN, I'M GONNA JUST
OH... I... UH... NEVER MIND.
IF THAT COSMO'S NOT HERE TODAY, I WILL JUST SCREAM.

OKAY, FARINA, I'M GONNA TRY TO REMAIN CALM. MY FRIEND ZEBRA TELLS ME HE SAW DILBERT SITTING IN YOUR BUBBLE...
IT'S TRUE.
WHAAAT? HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME LIKE THAT, FARINA??
LISTEN, RAT... IT WAS JUST ONE COMIC STRIP CHARACTER. DON'T MAKE IT BIGGER THAN IT IS.
YOU'RE STOMPING ON MY BLACK LITTLE LUMP OF COAL HEART, FARINA!! IS THAT WHAT YOU... IS THAT WHAT... IS THAT... IS THAT...
...IS THAT A VIKING HELMET?
SILLY HAGAR... ALWAYS FORGETTING STUFF.

ALRIGHT, FARINA!! I JUST HEARD ON THE COMICS GRAPEVINE THAT YOU WERE SEEN WITH THAT UNUTTERABLE TWIT, DILBERT!!
YOU DON'T OWN ME, RAT...IF I WANT TO SEE ANOTHER COMIC STRIP CHARACTER, I CAN...
OH! SO IT'S TRUE! YOU ADMIT IT!...I KNEW IT...I KNEW IT...TELL ME YOU DIDN'T LET HIM SIT IN YOUR BUBBLE, FARINA. AT LEAST TELL ME THAT!...
I DIDN'T.
GOOD. AT LEAST I CAN TRUST YOU.

LISTEN, FARINA, IF WE'RE GONNA DATE AGAIN, WE'VE GOTTA DECIDE IF IT'S GONNA BE, YOU KNOW... EXCLUSIVE.
NO, RAT... I JUST GOT DIVORCED. I'M NOT READY FOR THAT.
OH. GREAT...
SO YOU WANNA SEE OTHER PEOPLE?
LISTEN, RAT, IT'S A BIG TURN-OFF FOR ME WHEN YOU START TO GET OVERPOSSESSIVE.
OVERPOSSESSIVE? OVERPOSSESSIVE?? THAT'S THE WORD GIRLS USE RIGHT BEFORE THEY DATE OTHER GUYS! YOU LISTEN TO ME, FARINA, FARINA? FARINA..?
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT EVERY GUY I LET IN MY BUBBLE, DILBEAN.
DILBERT.

HEY, PIG AND RAT, YOU DIDN’T NEED TO VISIT ME IN THE HOSPITAL.
SEE WE DID, NEIGHBOR TIM. WE HEARD YOU WERE GETTING A NEW PELVIC BONE AND WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU’RE O.K.
DOCTOR! DOCTOR! THE REPLACEMENT PELVIC BONE JUST ARRIVED!
TERRIFIC. IT’S OUT THERE BY THE
DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU’VE JUST DONE?… THE… THE… THE…
PELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
SOMETIMES I’M ASHAMED TO BE IN THIS COMIC STRIP.

I HAVE CONCLUDED THAT THE WORD "GENIUS" IS WAY TOO OVERUSED... I MEAN, HOW MANY GENIUSES CAN ONE WORLD PRODUCE?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
WELL, I DO. BECAUSE I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF TYPING UP ALL THEIR NAMES. HERE, HAVE A LOOK...
Mozart.
Da Vinci.
Me.
I THINK YOU COULD SHORTEN THIS.
YEAH... I JUST INCLUDED THAT MUSIC DUDE TO BE NICE.

Morning, neighbor. Listen... I've given it a lot of thought... and... well, let's be friends.
THE KIND OF FRIENDS WHO DON'T KILL EACH OTHER?
Maybe not that close.

HI, RAT... IT'S ME, FARINA. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO GET SOME COFFEE?
UH, SURE... WHATEVER. I MEAN, I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO, BUT UH... I'LL DO IT. WHERE DO YOU WANNA MEET?
IN FRONT OF ZEBRA'S HOUSE. THAT'S WHERE I'M STUCK.
STUCK? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, STUCK?
Dis... ees... torture.
Heeere, leetle bacon girl...
We you frend, Miss Baloney Ball...

LISTEN, RAT... I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US, BUT I
WRONG WRONG WRONG. I'M HAPPY YOU GOT ON WITH YOUR LIFE. HAPPY YOU FOUND SOMEONE.
I LEFT HIM.
PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE GRATUITOUS THIRD PANEL.

THE RETURN OF RAT'S EX, FARINA
LISTEN, RAT. I KNOW YOU'RE BITTER ABOUT HOW THINGS ENDED BETWEEN US.
BITTER? PLEASE. MAYBE YOU WANT ME TO BE BITTER, BUT I'M NOT. I WENT ON WITH MY LIFE. YOU'RE THE PAST.
YOU'RE REALLY THAT OVER US, RAT?
SWEETHEART, I'VE BEEN THAT OVER YOU EVER SINCE THAT MOMENT 764 DAYS, 14 HOURS AND 9 MINUTES AGO WHEN YOU BROKE UP WITH ME ...
... GIVE OR TAKE.

Story Update:
Years ago, Rat dated Pig's sister, Farina. Farina is a germaphobe and therefore lives in a plastic bubble. Ultimately, Farina broke Rat's heart and married someone else. We now return to our comic, already in progress.
IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?
OH... IT'S YOU.
LISTEN, RAT... I JUST CAME BACK TO TELL YOU... I'M SORRY.
SORRY? FOR WHAT? WHO CARES? NOT ME. I'M OVER YOU. I'VE FORGOTTEN YOU. YOU'RE A BIG FAT ZERO IN THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF ME.
RAT'S BEDROOM...

SO WHAT'S GOING ON DOWNTOWN THIS WEEKEND?
A BIG FILM FESTIVAL...THEY'RE SHOWING "OLD YELLER."
WHAT'S "OLD YELLER"?
ONE OF THE SADDEST FILMS EVER...IT'S ABOUT A BOY AND HIS DOG.
WHAT HAPPENS?
THE DOG GETS REAL SICK AT THE END OF THE MOVIE AND THEY HAVE TO SHOOT HIM.
THAT'S TERRIBLE.
OH, YEAH...IT'S ONE OF THE MOST HEART-RENDING ENDINGS EVER.
AUDIENCES MUST JUST SOB.
OF COURSE THEY BAWL… WHAT OTHER REACTION CAN THERE BE TO A SCENE LIKE THAT?
EAT DA DOG!! EAT DA DOG!!

RAT GETS A JOB WRITING OTHER PEOPLE'S THANK-YOU CARDS
Dear Cousin Bob. Thank you for your generous gift of ten dollars.
Perhaps I'll buy half a shoe.

DID I HEAR THAT PEOPLE ARE NOW HIRING YOU TO WRITE THEIR THANK-YOU CARDS?
YES, MORON... MY THANK-YOUS ARE WELL WRITTEN AND QUITE GRACIOUS...CHECK OUT THIS ONE...
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR GIFT. IT WILL MAKE A WONDERFUL ADDITION TO MY NEXT GARAGE SALE."
ALRIGHT, MAYBE 'GRACIOUS' IS TOO STRONG A WORD.

DID YOU SEE THAT NOW YOU CAN HIRE TOTAL STRANGERS TO WRITE YOUR THANK-YOU CARDS?
THAT'S FUNNY YOU MENTION THAT... RAT JUST GOT ONE OF THOSE JOBS.
DO YOU THINK THAT'S THE RIGHT JOB FOR HIM?
WHY WOULDN'T IT BE?
Dear El Cheapo

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
RAISING MONEY TO SEND `BIC' RAZORS TO EUROPE... THE WOMEN THERE ARE NOT SHAVING THEIR ARMPITS.
SO?
LISTEN, MORON... IF GOD HAD MEANT WOMEN TO HAVE HAIR IN THEIR ARMPITS, HE WOULD HAVE MADE THEM THAT WAY.
UH. HE DID.
ALRIGHT, FINE... THEN IT'S A MISTAKE, LIKE THOSE BACKWARD KNEECAPS ON FLAMINGOS.

HEY THERE, RAT... I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, RENÉ... SHE'S VISITING FROM FRANCE.
WOW, YOU'RE HOT.
OH, MERCI... THANK YOU... EXCUSEZ MOI... I SEE A FRIEND.
OH, MONIQUE! MONIQUE !
AAAAAAAAHHHHH
YOU OKAY?
CULTURE SHOCK... CULTURE SHOCK...
MONIQUE!
RENÉ!

LARRY, YOU'VE SAT IN FRONT OF THAT T.V. ALL DAY. WHY DON'T YOU GO OUTSIDE AND KICK THAT ZEBRA NEXT DOOR?
Peese shut mouf, woomun.
Dis not right time. Me wait for right moment when me can succeed.
Z z z z z z z z
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A CHEETAH.

The Adventures of Angry Bob
Angry Bob was angry.
Angry Bob read People magazine. He saw happy, famous people.
The famous people said they were happy because they accepted an ancient religion.
"I will find an ancient religion," declared Angry Bob, "and then I shall be happy."
Angry Bob looked in his library. He found a book on religion. Closing his eyes, he flipped the pages and picked a God at random.
"Oh God," he prayed, "Do your magic. Work in my life."
"My God has sent me," he declared.
Bob grew curious. "Who is this God who can cure all the miracles? Who is this God that I have prayed to?"
Bob looked at the page he had picked:
"Malafistlis," it read,
"the God of Raining Vengeance Down Upon One's Loved Ones."
A bookcase fell on Bob. He died.
Some Gods are better than others.

HELLO??
HI, MOM. IT'S ME, WREN.
WREN? MY NEWBORN BABY?
SINCE WHEN DO YOU TALK?
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ABLE TO TALK, BUT KIRKMAN AND SCOTT DON'T WANT TO SHOW IT 'CUZ I'M THE LAST KID THEY'RE GONNA ADD TO THIS STRIP, AND IF I GREW UP TOO FAST, THEY'RE OUT OF A G@#$%^&* JOB ... CAPICHE, WANDA?
THAT'S "MOM" AND SINCE WHEN DO YOU CURSE?
CHILL, HOMEY. LISTEN, THE BABYSITTER SHOZIE'S DEAD AND HAMMIE BLEW UP A GAS STATION AND THE GUY FROM "ZITS" IS DEAD DO YOU MIND IF I USE THE DOWN FEATHERS FROM YOUR PILLOW TO STUFF A DEAD ANIMAL?
AHHHHHHHH
HHHH
HHH
YOU FREAK OUT AT THE SLIGHTEST G@#$%^&* THING.

ALRIGHT, LISTEN, YOU LITTLE BABY BABY.
MY NAME'S WREN.
WREN SHAVEN... WHO CARES? I DON'T READ THE STUPID COMIC SECTION. LISTEN, I GOTTA CATCH A MOVIE, SO CAN YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF 'TIL YOUR SIBLINGS GET BACK?
GOOD... SEE YA.
YO, HOMEY... AIN'T NOBODY GONNA GET UP IN WREN'S GRILL. I'D MESS THAT FOOL UP BAD, DAWG.
ME GOT BAD FEELING ABOUT DIS, JERRY...
OH, PEESE, RICK... HE EASY PICKINGS.

HELLO?
HEY, KAT, THIS IS ZOE. LISTEN, ON THE WAY TO THE LIQUOR STORE... HAMMIE MESSED UP AND RAN OVER SOME GUY... THEN HE HIT A GAS PUMP. NOW EVERYTHING'S BURNING... SORRY.
WHAT??? IT WAS A SIMPLE BEER RUN!! OKAY, LISTEN LISTEN... BUY THE BEER AND RUN HOME... FAST!!
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE GUY WE RAN OVER?
SAY YOU'RE SORRY.
SORRY.

ALRIGHT, YOU LITTLE MIDGETS, LISTEN UP. I'M OUT OF BEER, SO I GOTTA MAKE A QUICK LITTLE BEER RUN TO THE LIQUOR STORE. YOU GUYS TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES …
WHO WHO WHO… WHAT…AM I THINKING? I'M THE BABYSITTER. I CAN'T LEAVE YOU LIKE THAT. IT'S NOT RESPONSIBLE. YOU'VE GOT A BABY SISTER I HAVE TO WATCH… OHHH, WHAT TO DO… WHAT TO DO…
AND AT THE THIRD LIGHT, MAKE A LEFT.

RAT BABYSITS THE "BABY BLUES" KIDS
...AND REMEMBER, WE'D LIKE YOU TO PLAY SOME "BARBIE" WITH ZOE AND BUILD SOME "LEGO" STUFF WITH HAMMIE...
YOU GOT IT.
...AND DO SOMETHING CREATIVE WITH THEM. WE LOVE OUR CHILDREN'S PLAYTIME TO ALSO BE A LEARNING TIME...
YOU GOT IT.
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE DOING TEQUILA SHOTS IN THE KITCHEN.