Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHO'S THIS RAT?
THE DOG OF QUIET DESPONDENCY.
A DOG THAT SO INTERNALIZED THE PRESENT STATE OF THE WORLD THAT HE CAN NO LONGER EVEN MOVE.
BUT DOGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY.
NOT THIS GUY. HE WAS BORN WITH TOO MUCH EMPATHY... A DOG LIKE HIM NEVER SHOULD HAVE WATCHED CABLE NEWS, BUT HE DID... AND NOW HE'S THE DOG WHO FELT TOO MUCH.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I THINK I'LL GIVE HIM A COUPLE OF ALONE, BUT IT BACKFIRED MISERABLY.
TURNED HIM INTO AN EVEN GREATER DEPRESSION.
SO?
NOW WE JUST SIT HERE AND THINK WHAT THE WORLD WOULD NEED TO BECOME A BETTER PLACE.
BUT WHAT IF THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN?
THEN WE GO WITH PLAN B.
WHAT'S PLAN B
HOPE CEVINE DION IMPROVES.
WE'RE PRAYING IT DOESN'T COME TO THAT.

WELL, HELLO THERE, RAT...HAVE YOU MET MY NEW POODLE?...I CAN'T DECIDE IF I SHOULD NAME HER "BOUNCY," "PEPPY," OR "HAPPY SNAPPY"...WHAT DO YOU THINK?...
WHO GIVES A $#&*?
PLEASE EXCUSE MY DOG O' ABJECT DESPONDENCY.

Okay, evil Meester Rat...
You sell us zeeba seed, but when we plant, we get toemayto.
What you think, we stoopid ?
ALL ZEBRAS BEGIN LIFE AS A TOMATO.
UNLESS YOU PICK THEM...
NOW YOU'VE STOPPED HIS BREATHING.
?? PFooo ?
?? PFooo ?
?? PFooo ?
Mouf to mouf no working !!
STAY AWAY FROM DA LIIIIIIGHT !!!

Psssst...
WANT TO BUY SOME ZEBRA SEEDS? FIFTY BUCKS A BAG.
Haha... We no need seeds. We hunt. We keel. We bad muttas.
Haha, Yeah. What you theenk? Me and Bob desperate losers??
Hahahaha
Heh heh heh.
Dis a reel low point, Bob.
Who-o-o-a.
Baby zeeba look juss like toenato.

WHO'S THAT, RAT?
THE DOG O' ABJECT DESPONDENCY... A DOG THAT SO INTERNALIZED THE PRESENT STATE OF THE WORLD THAT HE CAN NO LONGER EVEN MOVE.
SO WHAT'S HE DO?
HE SITS AND WORRIES.
SAVES YOU A FORTUNE ON FRISBEES.

Howdydoooo, neighbor... listen, the power's out at my house and my generator just went kaput. Can I borrow yours?
Will you please stop acting like we have a normal neighbor relationship? You eat me, I know that.
It doesn't mean we can't be friends.
Yes it does. Friends don't eat friends! If you want to be friends and borrow generators, you can start by taking the simple step of promising never to eat me. How does that sound?
Sounds like I'm buying a new generator.

THE KEY TO LIFE IS TO DECLARE ALL RIGHT AND WRONG RELATIVE.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS THAT WHENEVER SOMEONE SAYS YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG, YOU TELL THEM IT DEPENDS ON ONE'S DEFINITION OF WRONG... THEN YOU CHANGE THE DEFINITION TO SUIT YOUR NEEDS.
THAT'S A LONG WAY OF SAYING I STOLE YOUR WALLET.

AFTER MUCH STUDY AND RESEARCH, I HAVE DEVELOPED A WAY TO ENUMERATE THE NATION'S PROBLEMS.
AND WHAT IS THAT?
VOILA! A PAPER BAG YOU GOT FROM THE GROCERY STORE?
WRONG... THE BAG OF 'BLISS'... ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE...
OHHH, THE WAR WILL NEVER END! THE COUNTRY'S GOIN' BROKE! OUR INFRASTRUCTURE IS CHAOS! GAS PRICES ARE OUT OF CONTROL! HOLY @#$%! IT'S THE SEVENTIES ALL OVER AGAIN!!!
AHHHHH... THE WORLD'S A SAFE, DARK PLACE THAT SMELLS VAGUELY OF PRODUCE.
ADMIT IT... YOU'RE IMPRESSED.

THEY SAY THAT WOMEN HAVE A LONGER AVERAGE LIFE SPAN THAN MEN...WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT IS?
BECAUSE MEN DIE SOONER.
IN THE FUTURE, LET'S TRY AND LIMIT OUR CONVERSATIONS TO "HI," "BYE," AND "PLEASE SHUT YOUR FACE."

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, DEAR?
THOSE NATURE PROGRAMS. THIS IS THE ONE WHERE THE KILLER WHALE LEAPS OUT OF THE SURF AND GRABS THAT POOR SEAL.
WHY DO YOU WATCH THOSE OVER AND OVER?
BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT, JENNIFER. IT'S IMPORTANT THAT WE ALWAYS REMEMBER WHO THESE WHALES ARE... THAT THEY ARE VICIOUS, CALCULATING, BRUTAL, COLDHEARTED MURDERERS!!!
So much for borrowing a cup of sugar.

Hulloooo, zeeba neighba. Leesten... We crocodyles want eenvite you our church... Peese join us for sermon by Fahder Gus...
"Blessed are da merciful, for dey shall obtain mercy. Blessed are da pure in heart, for dey shall see God... Kill..all..da..zeebas."
We not reaching dat guy.

HI... WELCOME TO MICKEY D'S... CAN I HELP YOU?
KRILL.
I'M SORRY?
YOU KNOW, THE LITTLE SHRIMP-LIKE DUDES YOU EAT BY THE BUNCH?
UH.. DUDE. WE JUST SERVE BURGERS.
Dang.

the crocodiles say they bought a jacuzzi.
A JACUZZI?--THOSE CROCS ARE BROKE.
they say they found one for three hundred bucks.
WHAT KIND OF JACUZZI CAN YOU GET FOR THREE HUNDRED BUCKS?
...dis is da life, Larry.
Get out, Dan...Ees my turn now.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I SHOVED MYSELF INTO A BUCKET TO SEE IF LIFE IN A BUCKET MAKES ME HAPPY.
WHY WOULD YOU THINK LIFE IN A BUCKET COULD MAKE YOU HAPPY?
BECAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN A DEPRESSED MOP.
...I'M NOT THAT HAPPY.

Bob! Look at dis!
What ees it Floyd?
Ees pre-killed aneemal! Ees third one me find here dis week!
What does it mean, Floyd?!
It mean God love us, Bob!
He do?
Of course he do! He know we have trouble catch food, so he give us some already deed!
God muss have beeeg plan for us, Floyd!! God muss have beeeg plan!!
HONK HONK HOOOONK
Dis not plan me have in mind, Floyd

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE HAPPY...? IS IT SOMETHING SUBJECTIVE...? OR IS THERE AN OBJECTIVE COMPONENT...?
IS IT SIMPLY THE ABSENCE OF PAIN? OR IS IT SOMETHING MORE? HOW DOES A DUMB GUY LIKE YOU ANSWER A QUESTION LIKE THAT?
I THINK HAPPINESS IS FINDING A COUPLE EXTRA FRIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG.
PIG MADE SENSE. THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US.
YAY!! THE APOCALYPSE!!! YAAAAAAAY!!!
WAIT...WAIT... WHAT'S AN APOCALYPSE?

WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE WRITING ?
I AM PREPARING FOR MY EVENTUAL DEATH BY WRITING THE MOST INSCRIPTION THAT WILL ONE DAY GO ON MY TOMBSTONE. HERE, READ IT.
"HERE LIES THE WORLD'S MOST SUPERIOR BEING, WHO WAS FORCED BY FATE TO LIVE AMONGST NOBODIES."
WELL... THE "HERE LIES" PART IS ACCURATE.
OHH... YOU SAD, ENVIOUS NOBODY.

DUUUDE, WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THESE CARS? I CAN'T FIND A PARKING SPOT ANYWHERE.
HEY, THERE'S ONE--THAT LADY'S BACKING OUT.
HOW IS IT THAT THE ONE DRIVER YOU'RE WAITING TO HAVE BACK OUT IS THE ONLY ONE WHO TAKES FOURTEEN MINUTES TO DO IT?
WHOA. I THINK SHE'S REARRANGING HER GLOVE COMPARTMENT AGAIN.

YO, DUDE...HELP ME GET THE GROCERY BAGS OUT OF THE CAR.
DID YOU GET THE HAIR CARE PRODUCTS?
YEAH, BUT SINCE WHEN DOES A HAIRLESS PIG NEED FOUR BOTTLES OF CONDITIONER, TWO BOTTLES OF STYLING GEL AND A BIG CAN OF HAIRSPRAY?
OHH, THEY'RE NOT FOR ME, SILLY.
THEN WHO'D I BUY THIS 6#!* FOR?
DO you really LIKE IT?

WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE? I'M TRYING TO TAKE A NAP.
TWO OF MY VIKINGS ARE HAVING AN ALTERCATION--I'M TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
HAHAHAHA...YES! NOW THEY'RE BEING VIKINGS!! WHAT'S THE FIGHT OVER? STOLEN LOOT...? WHO KILLED THE MOST MEN?
Oprah!
Oprah!
Ellen!
Ellen!
I'LL BE RETURNING TO MY NAP NOW.
FELLAS! FELLAS! THEY'RE BOTH THE QUEEN OF DAYTIME TV!!

I SAW THE NEATEST LITTLE PARADE WHILE I WAS DRIVING TODAY... THIS BIG, LONG CAR FOLLOWED BY LOTS OF OTHER CARS WITH THEIR HEADLIGHTS ON, ALL ESCORTED BY POLICEMEN ON MOTORCYCLES.
PIG, DID THOSE CARS HAVE A STICKER IN THE CORNER OF THEIR WINDSHIELD?
YES!! IT SAID, "FUN" SOMETHING OR OTHER ... FUN! FUN! FUN!!
FUNERAL.
NOW I FEEL BAD FOR WAVING AND HONKING.

DEAR LIONS,
YOUR KILLING OF MY FRIEND ZEBRAS HAS INCREASED AS OF LATE. AFTER A GREAT DEAL OF THOUGHT, I BELIEVE I'VE DISCOVERED THE SOURCE OF YOUR HOSTILITY.
PSYCHOLOGISTS BELIEVE THAT AN INDIVIDUAL WHO LACKS A CREATIVE OUTLET IS MORE LIKELY TO COMMIT A VIOLENT ACT... YOU, THE LIONS, HAVE NO CREATIVE OUTLET.
TO RECTIFY THE PROBLEM, I SUGGEST YOU TAKE A FEW MOMENTS EACH DAY TO COMPOSE A POEM OR TWO... IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PARTICULARLY GOOD OR LONG... THE POINT IS REALLY JUST TO GET YOUR THOUGHTS DOWN ON PAPER.
I BELIEVE THE EFFECTS OF THIS WILL BE IMMEDIATE AND YOUR IMPULSE TO KILL WILL BE ERADICATED. GO AHEAD. GIVE IT A TRY!
ROSES IS RED.
VIOLETS IS BLUE.
ME IS ME.
KILL YOU YOU YOU.
*SIGH*

HEY THERE, RAT BUDDY, WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
IT'S A SELF-HELP BOOK. I CALL IT, "RAT'S GUIDE TO BEING HAPPY."
WHAT HAVE YOU WRITTEN SO FAR?
"TO ACHIEVE HAPPINESS, SPEND $27.95 ON THIS BOOK."
HOW DOES THAT MAKE OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY?
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE VIKING FIGURINES? I SURE HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE 'EM KEEPING DIARIES AND COLLECTING DAISIES AGAIN.
OH, NO... TODAY WE'RE GONNA WATCH A LITTLE TELEVISION.
GOOD. HAVE 'EM WATCH SOME OF THIS "ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP"... LOTS OF GUYS BEATING EACH OTHER SENSELESS. VIKINGS CRAVE THIS KIND OF BRUTALITY. HAHAHA. HERE YA GO, FELLAS. VIOLENCE! VIOLENCE! VIOLENCE! ......
*CLICK* *CLICK*
Today
We
missed
"Ellen."

I HAVE CONCLUDED THAT SINCE I HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE SUCCEEDING IN LIFE, I SHALL SURROUND MYSELF WITH FRIENDS WHO ARE ABJECT FAILURES.
WHY?
BECAUSE AS BAD AS THINGS MAY GET FOR ME, I'M BETTER THAN THEM. THUS, THEIR INCOMPARABLE FAILURE PROVIDES ME WITH THE ILLUSION OF SUCCESS, AND ILLUSION IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
BUT WHERE WILL YOU FIND FRIENDS LIKE THAT?
WHO'S MY BEST FRIEND, BIG GUY?
THAT'S ME, PAL… THAT'S ME!!
IT'S NOT HARD.