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WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M GETTING ZEBRA'S MAIL FOR HIM... EVER SINCE A FRATERNITY OF CROCODILES MOVED IN NEXT DOOR, HE'S A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT LEAVING THE HOUSE.
DON'T YOU THINK HE'S BEING A LITTLE PARANOID?
Phone bill high dis mont'.
NOT REALLY.

HI, CAN I HELP-- CROCODILES!! WHAT THE??
NO NO NO NO, NO BAD. GOOD. WE NEW NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR. WE START FRATERNITY. SEE SWEATER?
A FRATERNITY FOR CROCODILES? I'VE NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING. WHAT'S THE Z.Z.E. STAND FOR?
OH, DAT? IS GREEK LETTERS. YOU SAY IT MEAN "ZETA ZETA EPSILON."
BUT RODGER... JOESE... YOU!
HE DUMB. PRETEND HE NO HERE.

I HEAR YOU GOT SOME NEW NEIGHBORS. ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT MEETING THEM?
WHAT'S THERE TO WORRY ABOUT?...I'M SURE THEY'RE VERY NICE.
YOU MAY WANT TO SKIP THE HOUSEWARMING PARTY.

WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING?
IT'S MY NEW COMIC STRIP, "DICKIE, THE COCKROACH YOU LOVE TO LOATHE."
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
IT'S ABOUT A COCKROACH WITH NO TOLERANCE FOR STUPIDITY... IF YOU SAY SOMETHING STUPID, DICKIE TIES YOU UP AND SLAPS DUCT TAPE OVER YOUR MOUTH.
WHY DOES HE DO THAT?
BECAUSE DICKIE BELIEVES THAT STUPID PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO TALK. IN FACT, SOMETIMES HE GETS SO MAD, HE'LL EVEN BOP 'EM IN THE HEAD.
THAT'S NO WAY TO TREAT PEOPLE. EVERYONE DESERVES A CHANCE. YOU JUST GOTTA BE PATIENT AND SHOW SOME UNDERSTANDING.
BOO!

I'VE CALLED THIS PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE THE END OF BEEBEE BABIES.
THANKS TO A FEW WHINY, SNIVELING, LONG-HAIR, CONSUMER RIGHTS DO-GOODERS, BEEBEE BABIES WILL BE TAKEN OFF THE SHELVES.
... PROVING CLEARLY THAT THE SIXTIES WERE ONE BIG MISTAKE.

...AND IN OTHER NEWS, A GROUP OF CONSUMER ACTIVISTS FILED SUIT TODAY AGAINST THE BEEFIE BABIES CORPORATION.
THE SUIT ALLEGES THAT AFTER A FEW DAYS, BEEFIE BABIES BECOME ROTTEN, SMELL BAD AND BREED MAGGOTS.
WELL, DUH...

MY BEEFIE BABIES VENTURE WAS SO SUCCESSFUL I TOOK THE COMPANY PUBLIC.
HOW'S THE COMPANY DOING?
IT WAS DOING FINE, UNTIL SOME IDIOT RIPPED OFF MY IDEA AND STARTED SELLING TUNA BABIES.
GOSH...MAYBE I SHOULD START SELLING PORK BABIES.
GOTTA GO.

WHY ARE ALL THOSE PEOPLE LINED UP ON OUR LAWN?
I PUT AN AD IN THE PAPER FOR THE BEEFY BABIES.
THEN WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING HERE?
BECAUSE IF I MAKE THEM WAIT, I CAN SELL THEM FOR MORE.
THEY'RE PUNCHING EACH OTHER.
LEMME KNOW WHEN THEY DRAW BLOOD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE MAKING "BEEFIE BABIES." NO ONE WILL BUY THEM.
WRONG, YOU DUMB PIG...
...PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS BUY SOMETHING IF IT'S TERMED A "RARE, LIMITED EDITION."
BUT IT'S GROUND BEEF.
NO, NO... RARE, LIMITED EDITION GROUND BEEF.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE CLUMPS OF GROUND BEEF?
MAKING MYSELF RICH.
YOU'RE GONNA SELL BURGERS?
NO, MORON! I'M GONNA CREATE THE WORLD'S HOTTEST COLLECTIBLE.
CLUMPS OF GROUND BEEF ARE COLLECTIBLE?
THEY ARE WHEN THEY'RE "BEEFIE BABIES."

Dear Rest of the world,
I hear you think we’re nuts.
Well, it’s not true.
Only some of us are nuts.
So I had an idea. We’ll take our slingshots, airport wiffle balls, and send them to some island. You can gather up your slingshots, airport wiffle balls and do the same.
Once there, these cuckoo monkeys can strut and yell and jump and coo-coo at each other while the rest of us enjoy a nice cup of tea.
AWL! WHAT A NICE SENTIMENT TO SEND TO THE WORLD. SO BEAUTIFUL… DO YOU MIND IF I ADJUST SOMETHING?
Oh, you bet! The more you write, the better. Maybe the whole world can come together and sing and dance and play, and…
OBEY!
Minor tweak.

GOODBYE, WEE BEAR.
I'LL WRITE YOU EVERY DAY...
WOW, WHERE'D YOU GET THAT NAME?
I SHOULD TELL YOU, PIG, THAT MY NAME IS NOT REALLY WEE BEAR... MY REAL NAME IS MOSES SAVIO CHAVEZ...
MOSES IS FOR ROBERT MOSES, THE CIVIL RIGHTS ACTIVIST WHO STRESSED TO HELP BLACKS VOTE IN MISSISSIPPI... SAVIO IS FOR MARIO SAVIO, WHOSE FAMOUS SPEECH FROM A POLICE CAR IGNITED THE FREE SPEECH MOVEMENT, AND CHAVEZ IS FOR CESAR CHAVEZ, WHOSE HUNGER STRIKES IMPROVED THE LIVES OF IMMIGRANT FARM WORKERS.
I'M CALLED 'PIG' BECAUSE... I'M A PIG.
FASCINATING.

ALRIGHT, YOU DUMB PIG. COME WITH ME. YOUR RECORD CHECKED OUT CLEAN, BUT YOUR LITTLE FRIEND’S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
WHAT? WHY NOT?
OUTSTANDING WARRANTS... ALL OF THEM. TURNS OUT YOUR LITTLE FRIEND HAS BEEN ARRESTED IN JUST ABOUT EVERY LONG-HAIR DEGENERATE FRIEND SYNDROME FROM NEW YORK TO SEATTLE. NOW HURRY UP AND MEET ME DOWN THE HALL.
DO NOT WORRY, WEE BEAR. I WILL SMUGGLE YOU A SAW IN A CAKE AND YOU CAN SAW THE BARS OVER TIME... WHEN YOU GET OUT, RUN TO THE EAST GATE, WHERE I’LL BE WAITING IN A RENTED PICKUP TRUCK...
COULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?

HI, RAT. IT'S ME, PIG... LISTEN, I JOINED THAT BEAR IN HIS PROTEST AGAINST BIG BOX STORES AND WE GOT IN A LITTLE BIT OF—
DUDE DUDE DUDE. DO NOT INTERRUPT DURING "THE REAL WORLD." YOU KNOW THAT...
NO, NO, NO. I KNOW THAT. I WOULDN'T CALL UNLESS IT WAS REALLY IMPORTANT...
AS IMPORTANT AS FINDING OUT WHETHER SARAH AND M.J. ADMIT THE FEELINGS THEY HAVE FOR ONE ANOTHER DURING THEIR SHORT TIME TOGETHER IN PHILLY???! DON'T THINK SO. *CLICK*
IT'S A SHAME WE ONLY GET ONE CALL.

HELLO, PIG... HAVE YOU DECIDED TO JOIN OUR PROTEST AGAINST THIS BIG BOX STORE AND ITS DAMAGING EFFECT UPON LOCAL BUSINESSES?
YEP... I EVEN BROUGHT YOU THIS CASE OF PENS TO HELP YOU MAKE SIGNS.
WOW... THAT'S TERRIFIC... WHERE'D YOU GET THEM?
HERE... WHERE I BUY EVERYTHING... YOU CAN'T BEAT THEIR PRICES!
NOW... WHO WANTS A COOL REFRESHING SODA?

HELLO, FRIEND. WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN OUR PROTEST AGAINST THE NEW, BIG BOX STORE DOWNTOWN?
YOU BET I WILL! WILL THERE BE FLOATS AND TUBAS AND HAPPY ELEPHANTS?
SIR... YOU'RE THINKING OF A PARADE.
YOU BET I'M THINKING OF A PARADE!! AREN'T YOU THINKING OF A PARADE?
I'M THINKING OF MOVING ON TO THE NEXT GUY.
I'M THINKING THAT... I LOVE A PARADE THE TRAMP OF FEET I LOVE EVERY BEAT I HEAR OF A DRUM...

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, I'M WEE BEAR... AND I'M TRYING TO SIGN UP
PEOPLE FOR TODAY'S PROTEST AGAINST THE NEW, BIG BOX
STORE DOWNTOWN. IT DEPRESSES WAGES AND KILLS LOCAL BUSINESSES.
THAT'S GREAT. HERE'S TEN BUCKS.
FOR THE MOVEMENT?
FOR A TWENTY-FOUR PACK OF TOILET PAPER. . .I'M OUT.

I DON'T THINK WE REACHED HIM.

HEY, LOOK AT THIS... MY NEW SHIRT HAS A LITTLE TAG WITH INSTRUCTIONS ON IT.
YEAH, THEY TELL YOU HOW TO CARE FOR THE SHIRT.
YOU MEAN PEOPLE CARE FOR THE SHIRT IN A CERTAIN WAY JUST 'CAUSE THAT LITTLE TAG TELLS THEM TO?
YEP.
"...100% PIG. HUG. HOLD. FEED. AND PLEASE... BE NICE."
...LEMME PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD. I'LL TELL HIM I CAN'T READ.

WHY DO YOU COME TO THIS MALL EVERY DAY AND STARE AT THAT STUPID SIGN?
I'M TRYING TO FIND MYSELF.

IF THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF A DEMOCRACY IS BASED UPON AN INFORMED POPULACE, AND NO ONE IN THAT POPULACE READS ANYMORE, WHAT HAPPENS TO THE DEMOCRACY?
DO I TALK WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING "GAMEBOY"?

I'VE STARTED A NEW PHILOSOPHY. IT'S CALLED "MULLIGANOLOGY," AND IT'S SWEEPING THE NATION.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
WELL, IN GOLF, WHEN YOU SCREW-UP A DRIVE, YOU CAN JUST SAY "MULLIGAN" AND YOU GET TO TAKE THE SHOT OVER. IT'S LIKE THE SCREWUP NEVER HAPPENED. A MULLIGANOLOGIST SEEKS TO APPLY THAT RULE TO ALL ASPECTS OF HIS LIFE.
LIKE WHAT?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH YOUR SECRETARY?!?
MULLIGAN.

SO IF WE PAY JUST $700 FOR A MILLION DOLLAR INSURANCE POLICY ON YOUR LIFE, AND YOU HAVE AN UNFORTUNATE "ACCIDENT," WE'D BE RICH... WE'D BE MILLIONAIRES.
YOU'D BE A MILLIONAIRE.
I'D BE DEAD.
DO YOU HAVE TO PUT A NEGATIVE SPIN ON EVERYTHING?

WHY'D THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Answer: 1 Mile
TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE
I SAW THAT JOKE COMING A MILE AWAY.

WELL, HELLO, LISA. WHERE YOU OFF TO?
I'M GOING ON A SINGLES CRUISE... I'M HOPING TO MEET SOMEONE I CAN FINALLY SETTLE DOWN WITH... SOMEONE WHO ACCEPTS ME FOR WHO I AM.
WELL, GOOD LUCK, 'CAUSE BOY OH BOY, YOU SURE HAVE A LOT OF BAGGAGE.
... THAT DIDN'T COME OUT RIGHT.

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You know, pal, the next time you want to surprise your girlfriend with a string quartet serenade for her birthday, you may want to wait till she's out of the shower.
Prahn-Zne NGRZ...