Pearls Before Swine | Search

GOOD TO BE HERE, TIM.
SIR-- SOME OF YOUR CRITICS SAY YOU'RE A RIGHT-WING NUT WHO'S HIDING BEHIND FLAG-WAVING PATRIOTISM TO DISTRACT US FROM HOW YOU'D REALLY GOVERN. HOW DO YOU RESPOND?
LIES, LIES AND MORE LIES. IN FACT, IF ELECTED, I WILL IMMEDIATELY WITHDRAW OUR TROOPS FROM IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN.
SO YOU'RE AGAINST THE WARS?
WELL, NO... TIM... I'M ACTUALLY IN FAVOR OF THEM.
THEN WHY WOULD YOU BE WITHDRAWING THE TROOPS?
BECAUSE I'LL NEED THEM.
FOR WHAT?
TO INVADE THE LAND OF THE ARROGANT, EFFEMINATE, CHEESE-SNIFFING WEASELS YOU CALL "FRANCE."
...CARE FOR A "FREEDOM FRY"?

HELLO, EVERYONE. I'VE CALLED THIS NEWS CONFERENCE TODAY TO MAKE A COUPLE OF ANNOUNCEMENTS. FIRST, I'D LIKE TO DECLARE MY CANDIDACY FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
SIR, DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE LATE TO BE GETTING INTO THE RACE?
NOT AT ALL. MY TEAM OF ADVISERS INFORMS ME THAT SIX MONTHS IS MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME TO PREPARE FOR ELECTION DAY.
SIR, THE ELECTION'S A WEEK FROM TUESDAY. BUT WHAT IS YOUR SECOND ANNOUNCEMENT?
THAT I HAVE FIRED MY TEAM OF ADVISERS.
NUTS.

AT THE STREET SIGN BAR...
YO, HANK. I GOT TO GET GOING OR I’LL CATCH HELL FROM THE OLD LADY.
GOTCHA, MAN... BUT YOU BETTER GIVE JIMMY A LIFT. HE AIN’T IN NO CONDITION TO BE DRIVING.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
LOOK AT HIM.
>UURR<

AT THE STREET SIGN BAR...
WHERE'S HANK, THE HIGH VOLTAGE SIGN, NOW?
WELL, THIS IS THE POINT IN THE NIGHT WHERE JUST ABOUT EVERY WOMAN IN THE BAR HAS REJECTED HIM, SO HE STARTS BEER GOGGLING.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHERE HE STARTS TO FIND WOMEN ATTRACTIVE JUST BECAUSE HE'S DRUNK.
YOU ARE SHERIOUSHLY... URP... HOT.

AT THE STREET SIGN BAR...
WHERE’S HANK, THE HIGH VOLTAGE SIGN?
HE’S TRYING TO PICK UP THOSE TWO LADIES AT THE END OF THE BAR.
IS HE HAVING ANY LUCK?
DOESN’T LOOK LIKE IT.
...AND WHEN I’M NOT AT MY SIX-FIGURE JOB, I’M USUALLY AT THE GYM, BENCHING AROUND 475.
WHATEVER
I AM LIKE... SOOO UNINTERESTED.

AT THE STREET SIGN BAR......
LOOK AT THAT STUPID GUY NEXT TO YOU. YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL "THRU TRAFFIC."
HEY, LEAVE HIM ALONE, MAN. THE WORD JUST DIDN'T FIT.
YEAH...LEAVE HIM ALONE, MAN...IT'S YOU THAT BE THE STUPID ONE.
HEY, LISTEN, "THRU-BOY." YOU BETTER TELL YOUR MORON FRIEND TO STAY OUT OF THIS. EVERYONE KNOWS HE'S THE DUMBEST GUY IN THE BAR.
HE'S RIGHT, HAL..... STAY OUT OF THIS.
BUT I IS SMART, GEORGE... I IS SMART.

HEY, I KNOW YOU GUYS... YOU'RE THE SIGNS FROM THE END OF OUR BLOCK... DO ALL YOU SIGNS DRINK HERE?
NAH, KID. JUST THE TOUGH ONES... THOSE OF US WITH CLOUT... WITH PRESENCE. DEFY ME, AND YOU'RE FRIED. DEFY LARRY HERE AND YOU'RE CRUSHED BY A TRAIN... NO ONE MESSES WITH US... AND WE SURE DON'T ALLOW NO SISSY SIGNS HERE.
WE SHOULD GO, CLARENCE.
NOT BEFORE I FINISH MY MILK, ERNIE.

I'D LIKE TO JUST GET THIS BOX OF CORN FLAKES... YOU BEEN HERE?
YEP. FIRST DAY ON THE NEW JOB. YOU SKIP THE CHIT-CHAT AND COUNT THE FLAKES.
ONE... TWO... THREE...
GROCERY MART
WHY YOU DOING THAT?
BACK OFF, SLIM-IT'S COMIN' OUTTA MY PAYCHECK.
2.11... 2.12... 2.13...
SERIOUSLY, DUDE, BACK OFF. IF YOU ADD THEIR TEARS, I'M NOT GOING TO FINISH BY THE END OF MY FIRST DAY.
574... 575...
...
.575 CORN FLAKES...
.575 OF EACH FLAVOR CORN FLAKES...
THAT'S THE END OF 'EM.
I'M SORRY, BUT I--
SHUT YOUR MOUTH, SIR! SHUT YOUR MOUTH... YOU'RE IN ENOUGH TROUBLE AS IT IS... DON'T COMPOUND IT BY PLAYING ME FOR THE FOOL... NOW QUIT ROLLING THOSE BIG OL' TEARS OF GET-BACK AT ME OVER HERE BEFORE I POP YOU FLAT HEAD WITH A BOX OF CORN, YOU SLIMY TWO-FACED WEASEL...
AND HE FIRED YOU?
YEAH, AND I WAS LIKE, "DUDE, I'M JUST DOING MY JOB THE RULES," AND HE'S LIKE "THE RULES? YUP, THE

YOU HERE FOR A HAIRCUT?
OHH, NO... I COME TO THE BARBER TO BUY FRESH BISCUITS AND GRAVY...I SEE YOUR SELECTION IS QUITE LIMITED.
...NEVER GET SARCASTIC WITH YOUR BARBER.

I GOT LOST DRIVING TO THE JOHNSONS’ HOUSE AGAIN.
YOU STUPID PIG...HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO BRING A MAP?
I DID.
WHICH MAP?
...COME TO THINK OF IT, I NEVER DID SEE THIS GIANT BUFFALO.

LOOK AT THAT STUPID HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET...THE FRONT LAWN IS PERFECT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
IT'S A KNOWN FACT THAT PEOPLE WHO OBSESS OVER THEIR FRONT LAWNS ARE CLOSET PSYCHOPATHS. THEY'RE LIKELY TO KILL US ALL.
I HARDLY THINK A COUPLE OF EIGHTY-YEAR-OLDS WHO CAN BARELY WALK ARE SECRETLY PLANNING YOUR MURDER.
...AND AFTER I WHACK HIM IN THE HEAD, YOU BURY HIM IN THE CORN FIELD.
WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BURY THEM IN THE CORN FIELD??

HELLO, RAT...THIS IS ALPHONSE, THE PORCUPINE. YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHY I HAVEN'T CALLED YOU TODAY.
I NEVER WONDERED THAT ONCE.
I DON'T THINK ABOUT YOU.
THE REASON I DIDN'T CALL IS THAT I'VE TAKEN ALL MY BELONGINGS AND MOVED HERE TO HAWAII.
I MUST TELL YOU, THOUGH, THAT I WILL NOT BE PROVIDING YOU WITH A FORWARDING ADDRESS. I NEED SOME TIME TO BE ALONE. TO REFLECT UPON THE STATE OF OUR FRIENDSHIP...I KNOW THIS WON'T BE EASY...
BUT BELIEVE ME, I'M AS SCARED AS YOU.

HI, RAT. WHAT ARE YOU SELLING?
ADVICE... BUY SOME, BECAUSE I HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.
OH, GOODIE. GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.
FINE. HERE IT IS...
DON’T TAKE ADVICE FROM GUYS WHO CLAIM TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.
... TIPS ARE WELCOME.

ALPHONSE, THE NEEDY PORCUPINE, IS AT THE DOOR AND HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU. HE SAYS THAT DUE TO THE UNCARING NATURE OF YOU AND OTHERS, HE'S GOING TO DO HIMSELF IN TONIGHT. THIS WILL BE HIS LAST DAY ON EARTH AND YOU WILL NEVER, EVER SEE HIM AGAIN.
PIPE DOWN, FATTY. THE REAL WORLD PHILADELPHIA IS ON AND IT'S TURNING OUT TO BE QUITE GOOD. I'D RANK IT SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE SAN DIEGO SEASON AND THE LAS VEGAS SEASON. OF COURSE, NOTHING WILL EVER TOP THAT VEGAS SEASON. IT IS NOW LEGENDARY.
CAN YOU COME BACK TOMORROW?

The Adventures of Angry Bob by Rat
Angry Bob was angry.
He skipped the beer in his yellow living room and drank a bottle of root beer.
He put down the bottle and went outside.
"Life is so meaningless," Bob said, "Why go on? Why?"
"Why are we here?" Bob yelled, "Is it to love? Is it to learn? Is it to accomplish something great? Is it to fulfill some fate?" Bob asked.
"Or is it simply to enjoy the moment? To stand on the warm grass in my bare feet and admire what nature provides? To enjoy the beauty of the blue sky? To enjoy the song of the nightingale? To enjoy the smell of the lilies? To enjoy the taste of a plum?"
A tree fell on Bob. Bob died.
Not all of nature is enjoyable.

WE HIRED A CONTRACTOR TO RE-TILE OUR BATHROOM.
HOW'D YOU PICK HIM?
WELL, I CALLED SIXTY GUYS. EIGHT OF THEM CALLED ME BACK.
I MADE APPOINTMENTS WITH THE EIGHT. ONLY ONE OF THEM SHOWED UP, AND HE WAS THREE HOURS LATE. BUT BY VIRTUE OF HIS JUST SHOWING UP, HE GOT THE JOB, FOR WHICH I GAVE HIM AN EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLAR DEPOSIT.
AND HOW'D THE WORK TURN OUT?
I NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN.

HI, RAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY NEW SOCK PUPPET, WINKY THE HAPPY-GO-LUCKY CLOWN.
I THOUGHT MAYBE HE COULD LIGHTEN THE HOSTILE MOOD CREATED BY YOUR SOCK PUPPET, PEPITO.
.....DON'T TAUNT PEPITO.

MY TEMPER-PRONE SOCK PUPPET, PEPITO, WOULD LIKE SOME SPAGHETTI. PLEASE GIVE HIM YOUR BOWL OF SPAGHETTI.
PLEASE TELL PEPITO THAT I PURCHASED THIS BOWL OF SPAGHETTI. THEREFORE, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO EAT IT... IF PEPITO WOULD LIKE SPAGHETTI, PEPITO MAY PURCHASE SOME FOR HIMSELF.
....YOUR SUBTLE NUANCES ARE LOST ON PEPITO.

PIG... I'D LIKE YOU TO SAY HELLO TO MY NEW SOCK PUPPET, PEPITO.
WELL, HELLO, PEPITO... IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU...
PUT THAT HAND AWAY, YOU BIG, FAT PIECE OF LARD.
... WE'RE WORKING ON HIS SOCIAL SKILLS.

HI, I’M PIG… WAS THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND WHO JUST LEFT?
NO...HE’S NOT MY BOYFRIEND… WE’RE MORE LIKE “FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS.”
WOW. I’D GIVE ANYTHING FOR GOOD HEALTH CARE INSURANCE.
WRONG BENEFITS.
OHH…DO YOU GET DENTAL?

WHY WERE YOU LOOKING SO HARD AT MY TWENTY DOLLAR BILL?
JUST WANT TO BE SURE IT'S NOT FUNNYMONEY.
HEEEEY... I JUST FLEW IN FROM THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT AND BOY, ARE MY ARMS TIRED! BA DUM BUM KSSHHH... I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK, FOLKS!
IT'S NOT.

WE'VE GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE ANTS IN THE KITCHEN! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO IN THERE ANYMORE.
WHO CARES? THEY'LL GO AWAY.
WHY?
BECAUSE WE'VE HAD THEM FOR WEEKS AND I'M SURE THEY'RE CRAWLING ALL OVER OUR FOOD.
OUR FOOD.
SO THEY GO AWAY.
BUT THEY'RE JUST GONNA KEEP EATING AND MULTIPLYING AND GROWING AND GETTING BOLDER.
ANTS ARE LIKE DRUG DEALERS. YOU CAN'T CALL THE COPS AND "RID" ANT HILL. IT'S THE ANTS AND IT'S AMIGOS, AMIGOS, AMIGOS
YEAH, BUT DUDE... STOP READING "THE WIRE" THINKING YOU KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS... THEY KEEP -
SHAKE CAN BEFORE USE. SPRAY DIRECTLY ON ANTS. KILLS ON CONTACT... OKAY, ANTS, SAY "ADIOS" TO MY LITTLE FRIEND
... I DISTINCTLY ASKED YOU FOR THE CHEESE-WHIZ...

RAT GOT CALLED BEFORE CONGRESS TO TESTIFY ON THE GROWING PET PSYCHIC SCANDAL.
GOOD. NOW HE'LL BE EXPOSED FOR THE FRAUD HE IS.
I DUNNO. THEY TRIED TO TEST HIM BY ASKING HIM WHAT THEY WERE THINKING ABOUT, BUT I THINK HE DID OKAY.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
...FUNDRAISING AND SEX WITH YOUR INTERN.
WOW!
UNCANNY!
HOW DID HE DO THAT??

RAT, THE PET PSYCHIC
HOW CAN I HELP YOU, MA'AM?

IT'S MY PARROT, PEPE. HE SEEMS SO SAD.

PEPE SAYS HE IS SAD BECAUSE YOU ARE SO CHEAP AND HAVE WOEFULLY UNDERPAID ME FOR MY SERVICES.

PEPE CAN TALK AND PEPE SAYS YOU'RE AN UNMITIGATED FRAUD.

THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF PEPE.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
IT'S MY CAT, GIGI. I THINK SHE AND MY OTHER PETS ARE SECRETLY PLANNING TO KILL ME IN MY SLEEP.
...GIGI WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW YOU KNOW THAT.
SO IT'S TRUE?
GIGI IS CURSING YOUR LOOSE-LIPPED DOG.