Pearls Before Swine | Search

Author’s Note:
As some of you may know, the comic strip “Blondie” is celebrating its 75th Anniversary. Numerous characters from other comic strips were invited to participate.
The characters from “Pearls Before Swine” were not.
Such a slight may have been due to the popular misconception that “Pearls” is critical of older strips.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Why just look at this actual panel from a December, 2003 “Pearls” strip…
SO, HOW DID THE FORMALDEHYDE BECOME SO IMPORTANT?
BACK AROUND 1929 SOME STUPID WRITER CREATOR DECIDED THAT ZOMBIES NEEDED TO BE PRESERVED.
BLONDIE IS THE GREATEST COMIC STRIP EVER.
I LIVE MY LIFE BY IT.
I THINK SOMETHING FUNNY'S GOING ON HERE.
SHUT UP, YOU DUMB PIG.

BLONDIE’S 75TH ANNIVERSARY BASH
Dude… I’M TELLING YOU… OUR INVITES WERE LOST IN THE MAIL…
YOU SURE?
WELCOME CARTOON CHARACTERS
Of course. THEY WOULDN’T KEEP US OUT JUST BECAUSE I GOOF ON OLDER STRIPS OCCASIONALLY… THEY KNOW IT’S ALL IN GOOD FUN… THE OLDER GUYS LOVE US.
SHOOT ON SIGHT
YOU GO FIRST.

SEE YOU LATER, ZEBRA-- PIG AND I ARE GOING TO THE 75TH ANNIVERSARY PARTY FOR THE COMIC STRIP, "BLONDIE".
YEAH, RIGHT... THEY'D NEVER INVITE YOU TO THAT. YOU'VE DONE NOTHING BUT RIDICULE THOSE OLDER STRIPS.
WELL, THEY DIDN'T EXACTLY INVITE US... WE'RE SORT OF...UH... DROPPING IN... WELL, ONCE THEY SEE WHO YOU ARE, THEY'RE GONNA KICK YOU RIGHT OUT.
WE'RE TAKING PRECAUTIONS.

OH, MY POOR, POOR GUARD DUCK... I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY HAVE YOU IN A MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON.
IT'S OKAY, PIG... I'LL MAKE IT.
BUT THERE ARE GANGS! AND BIG, BAD MEN! AND IF YOU DON'T GIVE THEM EVERYTHING THEY WANT, THEY... THEY... DO BAD THINGS! OH, MY LITTLE GUARD DUCK, HOW WILL YOU EVER SURVIVE?!?!?
YOUR SMOKES, SIR. GOT 'EM AS FAST AS I COULD.
YOU $%#@&*! IDIOT. THESE AREN'T MARLBORO LIGHTS.

WHAT’S ALL THIS?
IT’S THE “CUBICLE O’ SHAME.” I TAKE THE PEOPLE WHO CONDUCT THEMSELVES AS INSTIGATED WEASELS IN THE WORKPLACE AND I STICK THEM HERE FOR THE REMAINDER OF THEIR WORKING LIVES.
YEAH...I’M JOSH. AT MEETINGS, I WILL TO MAKE SURE ONE ANNOYING UNIT, I HEAR WHAT THE OTHER GUY ANSWERS TO, AT WHICH POINT I JUST RUBBER STAMP THE MAJORITY OPINION WITHOUT ANY PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
AND I’M LINDA...I C.C. SELF-SERVING MEMOS FLAUNTING EVERY CONVERSATION I HAVE, SO I CAN BE OUT VICIOUSLY ABLE TO STAB MY FELLOW WORKERS IN THE BACK.
WHOAH WHOA WHOA...YOU CAN’T TRAP SOMEBODY IN A CUBICLE FOR THE REST OF THEIR WORKING LIFE JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE SOMETHING THEY SAY OR DO...THAT’S WRONG...
AND I TOTALLY, TOTALLY AGREE WITH LINDA AND DAVE ON THIS ONE.
AND DESPITE MY REPEATED WARNINGS, THE PIG REFUSED TO SHUT HIS TRAP.
GRR...

Dear Diary,
Today I looked in the
mirror and noticed that one
of my eyebrow hairs was
significantly longer than
the others. This made
me wonder...
...Was that one hair
stealing food from
the others?
...Why does
everyone
look at me
that way?

...AND THEN I BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, RIGHT? SO HE SAYS TO HER BLAH BLAH BLAH. BUT I TELL HIM, HEY, LISTEN, PAL, BLAH BLAH BLAH, AND HE KNOWS I'M RIGHT, SO HE BLAH BLAH BLAH
EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT YOU APPEAR TO BE LABORING UNDER THE MISCONCEPTION THAT I CAME TO THIS RESTAURANT TO HEAR YOU TALK. SADLY, I DID NOT. SO PLEASE, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO YOUR BLOATED EGO, SHUT YOUR BIG, FAT MOUTH.
... THE KEY IS TO BE POLITE, YET FIRM.

HEY, TIMMY PANCAKE! HOW GOES IT?
BAD, PIG. ALL I EVER WANTED IN LIFE WAS A HOME AND MAYBE THE CHANCE TO MEET PANCAKES FROM OTHER COUNTRIES. BUT NOW, I'M HOMELESS, ALONE AND JUST FIGHTING TO KEEP FROM BEING SOME IDIOT'S BREAKFAST...
TIMMY! I JUST THOUGHT OF THE PERFECT PLACE FOR YOU! I DRIVE BY IT EVERY DAY! OH, GEE, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS SOONER?
REALLY? TELL ME! TELL ME! I'LL GO THERE RIGHT NOW!
DUUUDE, LOOK WHAT WAS IN MY PANCAKES.
...GROSS, DUDE. GET A REFUND.
INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES

LOOKS LIKE YOUR PAL, THE GUARD DUCK, GOT ARRESTED FOR ROBBING A BANK.
ROBBING A BANK?? HOW CAN THAT BE?
I DUNNO, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S HAVING A HARD TIME GETTING OUT ON BAIL....
FLIGHT RISK? ME? PSHAW.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT GUARD DUCK YOU HIRED TO PROTECT OUR HOUSE?
I HAD TO FIRE HIM WHEN HE STOLE THE NEIGHBOR'S INFLATABLE POOL.
SO WHAT'S HE UP TO NOW?
I DUNNO, BUT WHEN I FIRED HIM, I GAVE HIM A REAL STERN LECTURE... I THINK IT REALLY STRAIGHTENED HIM OUT....
YOU HEARD HIM, BOB... JUST HAND OVER THE BAG AND OUT HE WADDLES.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT 24 MILLION PEOPLE VOTED IN THE 2003 AMERICAN IDOL COMPETITION, WHICH IS ALMOST HALF THE NUMBER OF VOTES CAST FOR THE WINNER OF THE 2000 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION?
SO?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SO"? WE'RE VALUING A SINGING CONTEST ALMOST AS HIGHLY AS WE DO THE LEADERSHIP OF OUR COUNTRY... DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?
THAT MORE PEOPLE NEED TO VOTE IN THE AMERICAN IDOL COMPETITION?
NEVER MIND.
PERSONALLY, I NEVER GOT OVER THE CLAY AIKEN FIASCO.

I HAVE A TRUISM TO DECLARE ...
OH, GREAT.
NO MAN IS FRIENDS WITH A WOMAN UNLESS HE WANTS TO HOOK UP WITH HER. THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE.
ARE YOU DONE?
NO. I HAVE ANOTHER TRUISM TO DECLARE. EVERY WOMAN THINKS SHE'S THE ONE EXCEPTION WHO IS SOMEBODY'S FRIEND.
SHE IS WRONG.
ALRIGHT. THAT DOES IT. LISTEN, RAT ... JUST BECAUSE SHADOW LITTLE YOU HAS NO FRIENDS WITH WOMEN DOESN'T MEAN OTHER GUYS CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH WOMEN.
I'LL GRANT YOU THAT THERE MAY NOT BE A LOT OF THEM, BUT BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE SOME UNIQUE MEN OUT THERE WHO GENUINELY LIKE HAVING PLATONIC FRIENDSHIPS WITH WOMEN.
ALRIGHT ... I SHALL MAKE AN EXCEPTION FOR THEM.
YES ... EUNUCH MEN ARE AN EXCEPTION.
NEVER MIND.
POOR, POOR EUNUCH MEN.

WELL, I'M OFF TO THE SECONDHAND STORE.
TO GET WHAT?
A SECOND HAND. IT BROKE.
I WEEP FOR YOUR OFFSPRING.

WELL IF IT’S NOT ONE OF ZEBRA’S CROC NEIGHBORS... WHY YOU ALL DRESSED UP?
Me have job inter-view. Me no can catch food, so me need money to buy.
DO YOU HAVE A RESUMÉ LISTING ALL YOUR QUALIFICATIONS?
You bet me does... look.
Me no gud at nuthin,
YOU MAY WANT TO BEEF THIS UP A BIT.
Mmmmmmm...
Beeeeef...

HEY...WHAT'S YOUR HURRY, PIG?
SIT DOWN AND HAVE SOME CHIPS.
HI, RAT...DON'T MIND IF I DO...I WAS JUST OFF TO VISIT MY NEW BUDDY...
WHO'S YOUR NEW BUDDY?
BENNY THE AVOCADO...HE'S THE KINDEST, MOST SENSITIVE AVOCADO I'VE EVER MET...OUR FRIENDSHIP IS REALLY GROWING...
YOU MAY WANT TO SKIP THE GUACAMOLE DIP.

SNOFF SNRK HEH HEH
THAT'S ONE SAD DEER.

BEHOLD! THE "SUPER STICK O' SMARTNESS"! A BIG, LONG STICK I USE TO HIT STUPID PEOPLE IN THE HEAD AND THEREBY MAKE THEM SMART.
You don't make stupid people smart by hitting them in the head with a stick.
OH?...AND I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE A BETTER SUGGESTION FOR MAKING STUPID PEOPLE SMART?
YES. BOOKS. BOOKS MAKE STUPID PEOPLE SMART.

WHAT'S THAT THING ?
IT'S THE 'SUPER STICK O'SMARTNESS'... WHENEVER I SEE SOMEONE STUPID, I SNEAK UP BEHIND THEM AND STRIKE THEM OVER THE HEAD.
AND THAT MAKES THEM SMARTER ?
NO... BUT IT DOES MAKE THEM SMART.
I'M SO CONFUSED.
QUICK !! LOOK OVER THERE !!

DO YOU REALIZE THAT WHILE MOST PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY SPEND MORE THAN THEY MAKE, PEOPLE IN CHINA EARN JUST A FEW DOLLARS A DAY AND SOMEHOW MANAGE TO SAVE FIFTY PERCENT OF THEIR INCOME?
ADDED TO THIS IS THE FACT THAT CHINA IS BUILDING ONE OF THE WORLD'S LARGEST MANUFACTURING BASES AT A TIME WHEN THIS COUNTRY IS SHIPPING ITS MANUFACTURING BASE OVERSEAS.
MEANWHILE, AS THIS COUNTRY IMPLODES DUE TO A HUGE CHUNK OF ITS RESOURCE BUILDING SCHOOLS AND SEWERS IN IRAQ, CHINA IS SPENDING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IMPROVING ITS AIR DEFENSE SYSTEM, DEVELOPING MISSILES TO BE PERUDED INTERNATION... A NATION WE'RE PLEDGED TO DEFEND.
I DON'T MEAN TO BE A 'CHICKEN LITTLE' HERE, BUT, MAAN, ISN'T THAT ALL A little WORRISOME?
DID YOU NOT APPRECIATE THIS WEEK?
DID I? OF COURSE I DID!
I SEE YOU'RE QUITE CONCERNED!
DUDE! YOU CHECK THIS OUT! NO ONE LOOKING? YOU'RE FIRED! HAHAHAHA
NO NO NO NO WAIT!!! NO NO LOOKIT ME! YOU'RE FIRED! HAHAHA

Hullooo, Zeeba neighba...Jeeesten...Me see you eeting dinnah... Because me you frend, me hum nice soothing dinnah music... Peese enjoy... Duh dum...Duh dum. Duh dum... Duh dum... Duh dum Duh dum DuhDuhDuh.... Duh dum..Duh dums
I DO NOT FIND THE THEME FROM "JAWS" SOOTHING.
Oh.

I HAD BREAKFAST WITH HARRIET BEAVER TODAY... I GUESS SHE AND HER HUSBAND, PETEY POSSUM, ARE REALLY HAVING PROBLEMS. I THINK SHE REGRETS MARRYING OUTSIDE HER SPECIES.
WHY? WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THEM?
WELL, WHENEVER HARRIET NEEDS HELP AROUND THE HOUSE, PETEY'S CONVENIENTLY "UNAVAILABLE."
UNAVAILABLE HOW?
CAN'T SWEEP. DEAD.
STUPID POSSUM.

JOE'S HANDYMAN SERVICE... JOE SPEAKING.
YEAH, HI... I HAVE A DOGGY DOOR IN MY BACKDOOR THAT THE PREVIOUS OWNER HAD INSTALLED AND I'D LIKE TO GET RID OF IT.
WELL... GENERALLY, THAT MEANS YOU'RE LOOKING AT A WHOLE NEW DOOR, AND THAT CAN RUN YOU ANYWHERE FROM SIX TO EIGHT HUNDRED BUCKS.
IT'S WORTH EVERY PENNY.
PUSH, JOJO, PUUUSH!
ME GEEVE UP NOW, TED... YOU BUTT JUST WAY TOO BEEG.

HEY, LOOK, RAT... IT'S PETEY SPIDER!
HIYA, RAT! HIYA, PIG!
I WANT YOU TO MEET
SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL
TO ME... THIS IS LAVERNA.
LAVERNA IS THE LOVE
OF MY LIFE... MY
SOUL MATE... AND WE'RE
GETTING MARRIED!!
YO, DUDE. YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S
A BLACK WIDOW. AFTER
YOU MATE, SHE'LL KILL YOU.
THEN SHE'LL EAT YOU.
I MEANT TO SAY
SOMETHING.

THIS JUST IN FROM OUR COLLEAGUE, GOAT... THE INTERNET HAS USES OTHER THAN LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF HOT WOMEN.
DETAILS AS EVENTS WARRANT.

LOOK AT THIS... THE MOST POPULAR SEARCHES
ON "GOOGLE" IN 2004 WERE "BRITNEY
SPEARS," "PARIS HILTON," AND "CHRISTINA
AGUILERA." SO HERE WE HAVE THE MOST
POWERFUL INFORMATION TOOL IN MANKIND'S
HISTORY, AND WHAT DO WE USE IT FOR?...
LOOKING UP PICTURES OF HOT WOMEN.
WOOHOO!
I MEAN... HOW DISTURBING.