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WANNA BUY DIRECTIONS?
SURE. WHAT DO I GET FOR FIVE DOLLARS?
DIRECTIONS.
THEN WHAT DO I GET FOR TEN?
CORRECT DIRECTIONS.

DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS?
NO. BUT I ONCE HAD A COUPLE OF PARROTS.
THAT MADE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.
WELL, IT MADE SENSE TO ME, UNTIL I LEARNED THEY COULDN'T TALK.
I WISH YOU COULDN'T TALK.
YOU WOULD'VE LIKED MY PARROTS.

EVERY TIME I GET ON A FLIGHT AND THERE'S AN EMPTY SEAT NEXT TO ME, I HOPE THAT THE HOT CHICK WALKING DOWN THE AISLE WILL SIT NEXT TO ME.
DOES IT HAPPEN?
NEVER. I ALWAYS GET THE FAT, DUMPY WHITE GUY.
MAYBE THE PRETTY GIRL DOESN'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO YOU.
PLEASE DON'T CHALLENGE MY RATCENTRIC UNIVERSE.

CAN I HELP YOU?
I THINK THE DISABLED MAN IS BEFORE ME.
WHAT DISABLED MAN?
THE POOR FELLOW MISSING HIS LIMBS.
SIR.....
SHHHHHHH..... WE'RE IN A STARING MATCH.

I WANTED TO BUY THAT HOUSE, BUT NOT ANYMORE.
WHY NOT?
THEY SHRUNK THE HOUSE.
THEY SHRUNK THE PRICE.
THEY SHOULD, AFTER WHAT THEY DID TO THE HOUSE.

HEY, BEAR...
HOW'S YOUR
NEW JOB
GOING ?
BAD. THEY CANNED
ME BECAUSE I SLEPT
IN ONE DAY AND
SHOWED UP LATE
FOR WORK.
HOW
LATE
WERE
YOU ?
FIVE
MONTHS.
...HIBERNATION'S JUST KILLING
MY CAREER TRACK.

IS THERE A KAREN IN THE STUDIO AUDIENCE TONIGHT?
YES, ME! IT'S ME! I'M HERE WITH MY BROTHER.
HULLOOOO...THERE!
AND I'M TOLD YOU HAVE A COUSIN WHO'S PASSED.
WE DO. YES, YES WE DO.
WAIT, WAIT...I THINK HE'S HERE. I THINK THIS IS HIM... HE FEELS LIKE THAT WHEN HE...LOVED BIG HEART...HIS HEART...STOPPED?
YES. YES, WHEN HE DIED, HIS HEART STOPPED.
AND I THINK...I THINK...I THINK HE'S SENDING A MESSAGE TO A BOB. DID YOUR COUSIN HAVE...DID HE HAVE...A FOREHEAD?
YES! YES! HE DID! DID...HE DID!
WHOA, HANG ON! I'M FEELING THIS VERY STRONGLY...YES...HE'S GIVING ME HIS...YES...HE IS GIVING ME HIS NAME IS...IT...IS IT...BOB?
YES! IT'S HIM!!!
WE LOVE YOU, BOB!!!
WOW...HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

HEY... WHERE ARE MY BAIT CLUB BUDDIES??
I WENT FISHING. THEY'RE ALL DEAD.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: It has come to my attention that virtually all "Pearls" series that are centered upon new. peripheral characters end in death. Whether it be the Fruit Buddies, Angry Bob or Tooty the Gingerbread Man, the newbies always die. As comedy is founded upon the unexpected, and death in these panels is all-too expected, we now introduce a totally unexplored concept in "Pearls"... the happy, sappy ending. True "Pearls" diehards may wish to look away.

I COULD NEVER HARM YOUR BUDDIES. I LOVE THEM ALL TOO.
I LOVE YOU TOO, RAT.
I LOVE THE WHOLE WORLD.
I LOVE MANKIND.

THE MEETING OF THE BAIT CLUB
OKAY, GUYS, IF ONE OF US HAS TO BE SACRIFICED TO THE FISH, WE NEED A WAY OF DECIDING WHO… I SUGGEST ROCK/PAPER/SCISSORS.
FINE.
FINE.
OKAY… READY? ONE… TWO… THREE GO!
WAIT.
WE HAVE NO HANDS.
FINE… I’M THINKING PAPER.
WHOAAAA… WOULD YOU BELIEVE I’M THINKING SCISSORS?

THE MEETING OF THE BAIT CLUB
OKAY, GUYS, IF THE RAT TRIES TO KILL US, IT'S IMPORTANT THAT WE STICK TOGETHER… AFTER ALL, THAT'S WHY WE FORMED THIS CLUB.
I AGREE.
ME, TOO.
HEY, GUYS… TURNS OUT I WON'T BE DOING AS MUCH FISHING AS I THOUGHT… SO I ONLY NEED TO SACRIFICE ONE OF YOU.
KILL SVEN NOW.
WOULD YOU LIKE HIM IN A NEAT LITTLE BAGGY?
SON OF A @#!%*!!!

YOU KNOW, THE WORST PART ABOUT BEING BAIT IS THAT WE'RE JUST AN AFTERTHOUGHT. EVERY TREE HUGGER IN THE WORLD COMPLAINS IF YOU USE THE WRONG TYPE OF HOOK ON THE POOR FISH. BUT NO ONE CARES ABOUT WILLY WORM.
HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD ORGANIZE OUR OWN PROTEST. WHILE HERE CAN CLIMB TO THE TOP OF A REDWOOD AND JUST SIT THERE FOR WEEKS...IT'LL BE A BIG MEDIA EVENT.
SVEN...A BIRD WILL EAT ME.
HEY, TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM, DUDE.

THE MEETING OF THE BAIT CLUB
You know, I think we really need to be focusing on next Sunday's pancake breakfast fund-raiser. We haven't rented the tables. We haven't put up the flyers. We still need the coffee.
Gig... the rat just told us that he's going fishing tomorrow and that we are all going to die.
HEY... I DIDN'T INTERRUPT YOU!

OKAY, MORON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?
IT'S THE BAIT CLUB. WILLIE WORM, GIGI GRUB, AND SVEN THE SALMON EGG...WE'RE PLANNING OUT OUR CLUB'S FUTURE.
WELL, DON'T PLAN TOO MUCH, BECAUSE I'M GOING TROUT FISHING TOMORROW AND YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE.
SUDDENLY, THE ISSUE OF WHERE TO BUILD OUR RETIREMENT HOME DOES NOT LOOK SO PRESSING.

HERE'S YOUR FOOD, SIR... BUT BE VERY CAREFUL... THE PLATE IS HOT.
OKAY.
CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP!
...THAT YOUR PLATE, PAL?
UH, YEAH... IT IS.
WHERE'D YOU GET IT?
THE WAITER GUY JUST HANDED IT TO ME.
I SEE... SOMEONE JUST "HANDED" IT TO YOU... HOW CONVENIENT... NOW STAND UP AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK. YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
BUT OFFICERS, I --
SAVE IT FOR THE JUDGE, PAL... SAVE IT FOR THE JUDGE.
YOU TOLD HIM IT WAS HOT.
THEY NEVER LISTEN.

I TRIED TO MAKE A FLIGHT RESERVATION TODAY, BUT THE AIRLINE SAID THAT THE ONLY TICKET AVAILABLE WAS ONE WHERE I'D HAVE TO CHANGE PLANES.

I TOLD THEM THAT IF THEY EXPECTED ME TO JUMP FROM ONE PLANE TO ANOTHER AT 30000 FEET, THEY HAD ANOTHER THING COMING.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA STICK UP FOR YOURSELF.

I THINK ONE OF THE WORST THINGS IS WHEN YOU OPEN THE BREAD AND FIND THAT ONLY THE ENDS ARE LEFT.
I THINK ONE OF THE WORST THINGS IS WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING TO EAT AT ALL.
PLEASE STOP PUTTING MY LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE... IT'S VERY ANNOYING.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA GET ME A "HAPPY MEAL."
I TRIED, BUT THE HAMBURGER PLACE SAID THEY DIDN'T SELL THEM ANYMORE.
WHY NOT?
OH, THE WAR... THE ECONOMY... EVERYONE'S JUST TOO DEPRESSED.
ON A POSITIVE NOTE, THE "BURGER O'GLOOM" IS DELICIOUS.

EVERYONE SEEMS SO DEPRESSED TODAY... IT'S LIKE THERE'S THIS HEAVY PALL HANGING OVER US.
OH, GREAT. WITH MY LUCK, HE'LL FALL RIGHT ON ME.
WHO?
PAUL... THE FAT GUY.
YOU'RE THE ONLY FAT GUY IN HERE.
I'M A PAUL?
I'M APPALLED.
YOU'VE LOST WEIGHT.

AT THE DUMB GUYS CONVENTION
UH, YEAH...I'M CHECKING OUT.
I WAS HERE FOR THE DUMB GUYS CONVENTION.
OKAY, SIR. DID YOU TAKE ANY ITEMS FROM THE MINI-BAR?
UH, YEAH. THAT LITTLE BOTTLE OF SHOE POLISH.
SIR, THE SHOE POLISH IS NOT IN THE MINI-BAR. THE MINI-BAR IS STOCKED WITH ITEMS YOU CAN DRINK.
I THEEL THOOOOOOO THUPID.

OKAY PEOPLE, I'D LIKE TO TURN THINGS OVER TO YOU TO TALK ABOUT MENTAL CHALLENGES YOU MAY HAVE OVERCOME THIS YEAR. I SEE BOB WOULD LIKE TO GO FIRST.
UH, YEAH, TED... IN JUNE, MY GARAGE DOOR OPENER STARTED OPENING MY NEIGHBOR'S GARAGE DOOR, AND HIS OPENER WAS OPENING MY GARAGE DOOR. BUT WITH THE CONFIDENCE I GAINED FROM LAST YEAR'S CONVENTION, I WAS ABLE TO MENTALLY FIGURE OUT A SOLUTION.
YOU TRADED GARAGE DOOR OPENERS?
GARAGES. AND WHOO, DO THEY WEIGH A LOT.

GEEZ, WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS? ACCORDING TO THESE SURVEYS BY THE NATIONAL CONSTITUTION CENTER, ONLY 41% OF AMERICAN TEENS CAN IDENTIFY THE THREE BRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT....
MORE THAN HALF OF ALL AMERICAN ADULTS DO NOT KNOW THE SENATE HAS 100 MEMBERS. AND ALMOST A QUARTER OF THIS COUNTRY CANNOT NAME A SINGLE RIGHT GUARANTEED BY THE FIRST AMENDMENT.
HEEEY, TAKE IT EASY, EINSTEIN...WHY DOES IT MATTER?
WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY. BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A DEMOCRACY, AND THESE SAME PEOPLE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT OUR GOVERNMENT ELECT THAT GOVERNMENT, WHICH MEANS THAT THEY DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT WE GO TO WAR, WHERE TAXES ARE DISTRIBUTED, WHETHER TREES GET SAVED...
DUDE, YOU MADE ME MISS WRESTLING.

AT THE DUMB GUYS CONVENTION
...FINALLY, FOLKS, A QUICK WORD ABOUT TONIGHT'S BUFFET DINNER...
AS YOU KNOW, WE DID NOT PASS OUT INSTRUCTIONS THIS YEAR...WE ARE HOPING THAT THE CONCEPT OF PUTTING FOOD ON YOUR PLATE AND TAKING IT BACK TO YOUR TABLE IS SELF-EXPLANATORY.
I SAID, WHEN I'M FINISHED, PAL.
CHOMP
CHOMP
CHEW
CHOMP

AT THE DUMB GUYS CONVENTION
OKAY, PEOPLE, UH... JUST A COUPLE MORE ANNOUNCEMENTS... CONTRARY TO THE RUMOR THAT I KNOW IS GOING AROUND, IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA TO SET YOURSELF ON FIRE.
IS THERE A QUESTION IN THE BACK?
UH, YEAH... NEXT YEAR COULD WE JUST GET A LIST OF THESE ANNOUNCEMENTS, MAYBE IN THE MAIL, LIKE BEFORE THE CONVENTION STARTS?
WAY TO SPEAK UP, PHIL.
THANKS, GEORGE.

AT THE DUMB GUYS CONVENTION
OKAY, FOLKS, A COUPLE OF QUICK ANNOUNCEMENTS... FIRST, THERE HAVE BEEN A NUMBER OF QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ELEVATOR BUTTONS AND WHAT THEY ALL MEAN.....
THE HOTEL HAS INFORMED ME THAT THE "L" BUTTON STANDS FOR "LOBBY." CONTRARY TO WHAT WE TOLD YOU IN THE REGISTRATION PACKET, IT DOES NOT--I REPEAT--NOT--STAND FOR "LIFT-OFF."
LET'S GO HOME, DUDE.

AT THE DUMB GUYS CONVENTION
HI...I'M CHECKING IN...I'M HERE FOR THE DUMB GUYS CONVENTION.
OKAY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
I
GIVE
UP.