Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF EUTHANASIA?
TO BE HONEST, I HAVE NO IDEA… I’VE NEVER MET ANY OF THEM.
WHO?
THE YOUTH IN ASIA.
HONESTY IS NOT THE BEST POLICY.

DID YOU HEAR THAT OLD MAN COUERLY IS ON HIS DEATHBED?
NO... HOW SCARY.
WHAT'S SO SCARY?
TO BE KILLED BY YOUR OWN BED... THAT'S WHAT'S SCARY.
YOU'RE SCARY.
I'M SLEEPING ON THE SOFA.

VINCENT J., OF SAN MARINO, CA, WRITES, 'YOU GUYS ARE ALWAYS GLOOMY, WHILE THE CHARACTERS IN "FAMILY CIRCUS" ARE ALWAYS HAPPY. YOU ARE IN 150 PAPERS. "FAMILY CIRCUS" IS IN 1,500.'
WELL, VINCENT...WE HERE AT "PEARLS" DON'T MEASURE OURSELVES BY NUMBER OF PAPERS. WE PRIDE OURSELVES ON BEING EDGY AND DARING, BECAUSE WE... WE... EXACTLY HOW MUCH INCOME IS 1,500 PAPERS?
THIS SAYS $750,000 PER YEAR.
I said, "SMILE", Dolly Piggy.

THE "PEARLS" MAILBAG
OUR NEXT E-MAIL IS FROM
STEPHEN H., OF BERKELEY, CA,
WHO ASKS, "IS RAT AS RUDE IN
REAL LIFE AS HE APPEARS TO
BE IN THE COMIC STRIP?"
WELL, STEVE, PERHAPS YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND THAT I'M ONLY A
DRAWING. WITH JUST A COUPLE
SWIPES OF THE ERASER, I
CEASE TO EXIST.
THIS CHANGES
EVERYTHING…

THE "PEARLS" MAILBAG
THIS "PEARLS" READER WRITES, "IF I GAVE YOU $500, WOULD YOU NAME A CHARACTER IN THE STRIP AFTER ME?"
PLEASE, PEOPLE... AS MUCH AS WE'D LIKE TO ACCOMMODATE ALL FAN REQUESTS, WE ARE SIMPLY NOT GOING TO SACRIFICE THE INTEGRITY OF THE STRIP TO TURN A QUICK PROFIT.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, THEODORE JAMES HAWKINS?
CALL ME TEDDY.

WELL, FOLKS, IT'S TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR THE "PEARLS" MAILBAG, WHERE WE ANSWER SOME OF THE MANY E-MAILS THAT POUR IN EVERY WEEK HERE AT "PEARLS, INC."
OUR FIRST E-MAIL IS FROM CELIA L., OF SAN FRANCISCO, CA, WHO WRITES, "PIG IS SO CUTE AND KIND AND HUMBLE. HAS HIS SUDDEN POPULARITY CHANGED HIM AT ALL?"... WELL, CELIA, LET'S ASK PIG.
YO, GIRL. P. DIDDY PIGGY DON'T WANT NO PLAYAH HATAHS.

DEAR YOU EVIL CROCODILES,
A FEW WEEKS AGO, YOU KILLED MY BELOVED COUSIN, EDDIE.
YOU THEN TRIED TO COMPENSATE MY HER FOR THIS TRAGIC LOSS BY OFFERING TO BUY A BOX OF COOKIES, WHICH MY HER SOLD AS PART OF OUR FUNDRAISING EFFORTS.
WE SENT YOU THOSE COOKIES … AND YOU STIFFED US ON THE BILL.
WE THEN SENT OUR COUSIN VINNIE TO VISIT YOU AND COLLECT ON THE BILL … WE HAVE LOST ALL CONTACT WITH VINNIE.
IF YOU EVER HOPE TO HAVE ANY SORT OF CONSTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH US AGAIN, WE STRONGLY SUGGEST THAT YOU PROVIDE US WITH PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF THAT VINNIE IS STILL WITH YOU.
YAAA! (STILL WIFF US)
… HE’S CHANGED.

PIGITA AND RAT FIN- ISHED OFF THE MS. BODYWORTH BOTTLE... SHE'S GONE, GOAT...MS. BODYWORTH IS GONE.
GEE, PIG... I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
WHAT WILL I DO? HOW WILL I GO ON? HOW DO YOU REPLACE SOMEONE WHO IS SO SPECIAL? HOW DO YOU REPLACE SOMEONE WHO IS THE MOST IRREPLACEABLE WOMAN YOU'VE EVER MET IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE???
THANKS FOR THE TIP.

SO MS. BOOTY-WORTH TURNED OUT TO BE MARRIED?
WELL, SORT OF... SHE SAYS THEY'RE SEPARATED... SO WE CAN STILL DATE.
BUT WHAT ABOUT PIGITA?
I TOLD HER THAT I REALLY CARE ABOUT MS. BOOTYWORTH AND THAT I'M NOT GOING TO STOP SEEING HER... AND YOU KNOW, SHE ACTUALLY SEEMED OKAY WITH IT.
...MORE SYRUP ON YOUR PANCAKES ?
OH, YES... LET'S FINISH OFF THE BOTTLE.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING KISSING THAT BOTTLE?!?
HEY, YOU'RE NO PRIZE EITHER, SWEETIE!
I KNEW IT. YOU'RE DATING THE SYRUP BOTTLE. YOU SICK FREAK!
OKAY, FLOOZIE, STEP OUTSIDE!
GLADLY, YOU FAT SHREW.
YOU'RE SICK, DUDE. SICK!
PLEASE! EVERYONE! I CAN EXPLAIN! MS BOOTW--
THAT'S MRS. BOOTWORTH, PAL.
DO I KNOW YOU?
NO. BUT YOU'RE GONNA.
KICK HIS @##, MR. BOOTWORTH!!

WOW, MS. BOOTYWORTH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO BE AT THE MOVIES AND NOT AT THAT RESTAURANT. I CAN'T BELIEVE ALL THOSE CONDIMENTS CLAIMED TO HAVE DATED YOU.
YEAH, IT'S SAD THAT THEY'D LIE LIKE THAT.
I KNOW... BUT STILL, IT WAS AWKWARD.
WELL, IT'S OVER NOW. SO HOLD ME, MY LOVE, AND I'LL NEVER LET ANYONE MAKE YOU FEEL AWKWARD AGAIN.
FEEL AWKWARD. FEEL VERY AWKWARD.
HEY, DOWN IN FRONT!
I CAN EXPLAIN!

I'M SORRY, BUT DID I JUST HEAR YOU TWO SAYING YOU'VE BOTH DATED MS. BOOTYWORTH?
YEAH, WHY?
BECAUSE SHE'S DATING MY COUSIN LARRY, THE OREGANO BOTTLE.
DUDE, I'VE WORKED THIS TABLE WITH YOU FOR TWO MONTHS AND YOU DON'T HAVE THE COURTESY TO TELL ME THAT THE WOMAN WHO BROKE MY HEART IS DATING YOUR COUSIN? WHO ELSE IS SHE DATING??
YO, BRO...WE SHOULD TALK.
WHOA, DAWG. YOU TOO?
STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!!
YO...LARRY? ...ABOUT THE WEDDING...

I'VE REALLY ENJOYED OUR DATE, MS. BOOTYWORTH.
EXCUSE ME, PAL, BUT I COULDN'T HELP OVERHEARING. DID YOU SAY YOU'RE DATING MS. BOOTYWORTH?
YEAH… WHY?
BECAUSE I DUMPED MY WIFE FOR THAT LITTLE TEMP- TRESS AND SHE ABANDONED ME… NOW MY LIFE IS RUINED AND I WANT TO KILL MYSELF.
THIS IS AWKWARD.

DEER CROCPOLIES, RECENTLY I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY COUSIN EPIDME, WHO YOU KULLED.
TO HELP YOU, WE HAD SPENT THOU-SANDS OF HOURS SELLING COOKIES DOOR-TO-DOOR TO RAISE MONEY FOR BOOKS. UPON COLLIGE SESSHUN, TO SHIP EPIDME TO COLLIGE. WE DID A GOOD JOB AND RAISE OUR HERD FROM THE PASTURE.
EVEN THOUGH EPIDME IS NOW DEAD, AND THERE IS NO MORE NEED TO RAISE MONEY, YOU OFFERED TO BUY ONE OF OUR BOOKS. WHILE WE SHOULD HAVE REJECTED YOUR USELESS OFFER, WE AGREED TO HAND EN EPIDME'S BODY TO THE BUTCHER. HE IS NOW FORGREN AND RAISING THE CASK OF HAVING THAT COOKIES AND BRING YOU $273.
TO DATE, YOU HAVE NOT PAID US A DIME.
CAN YOU PLEASE TELL US WHY YOU WISH TO UP THIS TERFYING AGGRAR-TING IMUMULAYSHUN ATOP YOUR SIN OF MURDERING MY COUSIN?!
DEER ZEEBAS, BEEg CASH PRO PROBLEMS. PLEESE BEE PAYSHUNT!

LISTEN, DUDE, I'M TELLING YOU... THAT PIG IS DATING THE SYRUP BOTTLE...
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE HE WON'T LET ME USE IT.
SO HE LIKES SYRUP... THAT HARDLY MEANS HE'S TAKING A LITTLE PLASTIC BOTTLE OUT ON DINNER DATES.
... SO HOW'S YOUR SOUP?
WHAT SOUP?

YOU'RE NOT REALLY GONNA EAT PANCAKES, ARE YOU?
NO, DUDE. I JUST SPENT A HALF HOUR COOKING THESE TO SEE IF WE COULD THROW THEM OUT THE WINDOW.
HIGH FIVE.

YOU'RE VERY SWEET, PIG, BUT REALLY, OUR LOVE WOULD NEVER WORK.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT, MS. BUTTYNORT?
WELL, FOR ONE THING, I'M A SYRUP BOTTLE. WHEN I'M EMPTY, I'LL BE THROWN AWAY AND RECYCLED.
NO! NO! NO! NEVER AGAIN WILL ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE EAT ANY--
PANCAKES!!

I DON'T KNOW, PIG. I JUST DON'T THINK YOU AND I CAN HAVE A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.
WHY NOT, MS. BOOTY-WORTH?
...BECAUSE... I... YOU...
...I'M SORRY. SOMETIMES I KEEP MY FEELINGS ALL BOTTLED UP INSIDE.

PIG, THIS IS ALL MOVING MUCH TOO FAST.
BUT WE'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER, MS. BODYWORTH... WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
LIKE WHAT?
WELL, FOR ONE THING, IF YOU OPEN EITHER ONE OF OUR HEADS, YOU WON'T FIND A BRAIN.
HOW FLATTERING.
OH... AND WE'RE BOTH FAT.

I CAUGHT PIG TALKING TO THE SYRUP BOTTLE THIS MORNING.
HE SURE SEEMS TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH A LOT OF INANIMATE OBJECTS.
YEAH, BUT IT WAS WORSE THIS TIME... LIKE IT WAS SOMETHING MORE THAN JUST ANOTHER ONE OF HIS DUMB BUDDIES.
YOU'RE PROBABLY READING A LITTLE TOO MUCH INTO IT.
THOSE HIPS, THOSE LIPS ... OH, KISS ME, MISS BOOTYWORTH!

DEAR CROCODILES, LAST WEEK YOU KIDNED MY BELOVED COUSIN, EDDIE. WHILE EDDIE MAY HAVE REPRESENTED JUST MORE MEAT TO YOU, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT HE REPRESENTED SO MUCH MORE TO US.
YOU SEE, EDDIE WAS THE SMARTEST, MOST AMBITIOUS ZEBRA IN OUR HERD. HAD HE LIVED, EDDIE WOULD'VE GONE TO A GOOD COLLEGE, GOT A BETTER JOB AND MADE ENOUGH MONEY TO LEAD THE HERD OUT OF THE PLAINS AND INTO A NEW LIFE. BUT NO, YOU CHANGED ALL THAT. WITH YOUR CANNIBALEROUS INSANITY, YOU TURNED US INTO A GROUP OF BROKES ZEBRAS WHO ARE FORCED TO SELL COOKIES DAUBED WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S POOR NAMES DOOR-TO-DOOR, ALL JUST TO RAISE MONEY FOR STUPID FUTILE COLLEGE TUITION.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE... FOR RUINING OUR FUTURE PLANS? ...TELL ME, YOU DESPICABLE BEASTS!
DEAR ZEEBAS, WE BUY BOX O' COOKIES. NOW WE EVEN.
SIGH...

DO YOU THINK YOUR LIFE WILL END WITH A BANG OR A WHIMPER?
BOTH, I GUESS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'BOTH'?
WELL, IF I GET SHOT, I'LL PROBABLY START CRYING, SO THAT WOULD BE A BANG, FOLLOWED BY A WHIMPER.
...NOW I'M GONNA WHIMPER.
HAPPY TRAILS, GOOD BUDDY.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
THIS STORY ON THE NEWS ABOUT SOME GUY WHO DROWNED.
THAT HAPPENED TO ME ONCE.
PIG... IF YOU DROWN, YOU DIE.
WOW. HEAVEN IS ONE HECKUVA LETDOWN.

I SENT A REMINDER POSTCARD TO MY DENTIST.
I THOUGHT DENTISTS SENT US REMINDER CARDS.
THEY DO... EVERY SIX MONTHS HE WRITES TO TELL ME TO GET MY TEETH CLEANED AND EVERY SIX MONTHS I WRITE BACK TO TELL HIM I HATE DENTISTS.
WE'RE LIKE PEN PALS, BUT WITHOUT THE PALS.

PIG... I THINK IT'S TIME WE TALKED ABOUT OUR FUTURE TOGETHER... WHERE DO YOU SEE YOU AND ME GOING ?
UH... TO THE MOVIES ?
BIG PICTURE.
I HOPE SO... I HATE THOSE TINY SCREENS.