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PERRI'S JOURNEY ACROSS AMERICA.
THAT DOES IT!...I CAN'T STAND BEING IN THIS STUPID, BORING BUS ANYMORE! I GOTTA GET OUT! I GOTTA HAVE FUN! I GOTTA PARTY, DUDE... NOW!
YOU CAN'T, RAT...
WE HAVE TO GET TO CALIFORNIA.
THE GOSH I CAN'T...I'M GETTING OUT AT THE NEXT STOP NO MATTER WHAT IT IS AND I'M GONNA SMOKE AND YOU CAN GO ON WITHOUT ME FOR ALL I CARE!!!
SALT LAKE CITY, UT
CARE FOR A PAMPHLET?

THE STONE PEOPLE WILL KILL US!! THEY'LL TEAR US LIMB FROM LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMB!!!
PIG, PIG, PIG... CALM DOWN... RELAX... NOBODY'S GONNA HURT YOU... YOU'RE OKAY, PIG...
...YOU'RE OKAY.
...TOLD YOU MT. RUSHMORE WOULD FREAK HIM OUT...
THE STONE PEOPLE WILL KILL US!! THEY WILL POP US LIKE GRAAAAAPES!!!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, WEE BEAR?
IT'S A TRAVEL DIARY, PIG. AS WE JOURNEY ACROSS OUR NATION, I LIKE TO RECORD MY IMPRESSIONS.
WHAT DID YOU WRITE TODAY?
WELL, TODAY, AS WE PASS THROUGH THE HEARTLAND, I'M REMINDED OF F. SCOTT FITZGERALD'S REFERENCE TO THAT VAST OBSCURITY BEYOND THE CITY, WHERE THE DARK FIELDS OF THE REPUBLIC ROLL ON UNDER THE NIGHT!
BIG DEAL, LOSER. I KEEP A TRAVEL DIARY, AND I SAY PROFOUND THINGS... I JUST DON'T BRAG ABOUT IT.
DUUUUUDE... TACO BELLS ARE EVERYWHERE!
HEY! GIMME THAT! GIMME THAT RIGHT NOW!!!
SIGH

WEE BEAR, IF YOU'RE GONNA SEARCH FOR THE ONE PERSON WHO YOU THINK CAN SAVE OUR COUNTRY, WE WANT TO GO WITH YOU.
OKAY, GUYS... BUT THIS IS A SOLEMN JOURNEY. AND I WANT TO USE THE CROSS-COUNTRY BUS TREK TO REFLECT ON THE IMPORTANCE OF MY SEARCH...
WE UNDERSTAND.
...ARE WE THERE YET?
ARE WE THERE YET?
ARE WE THERE YET?
ARE WE THERE YET?
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.

WHERE YOU GOING, WEE BEAR?
I'M TAKING THE BUS TO CALIFORNIA.
WHY YOU DOING THAT?
BECAUSE THIS COUNTRY'S BADLY DIVIDED. AND I'M OFF TO FIND THE ONE PERSON WHO THINK CAN SAVE US. THE ONE PERSON WE CAN ALL BELIEVE IN.
...I'M THINKING CHER.

OKAY, MOM… WHAT ARE YOU SO GIDDY ABOUT?
I PULLED MY FIRST PRANK!
YOU PRANKED SOMEONE?
OH, DID I! LISTEN TO THIS… I WENT TO THAT TACO BELL® DOWNTOWN AND PULLED MY CAR INTO THE DRIVE THRU LINE… THEN I ORDERED TEN CHALUPAS®, WHICH COST, LIKE, FIFTEEN DOLLARS, RIGHT?
THEN I PULLED UP TO THE WINDOW WHERE YOU PAY, GAVE THE WOMAN A TWENTY-DOLLAR BILL… AND SLICKER SLICKER I DROVE OFF!
…WITHOUT THE FOOD!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAH HA HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA
BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS
WHAT’CHA GONNA DO
WHAT’CHA GONNA DO
WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU…

Leesten, Zeeba... Me watch "Dr. Phil" T.V. self-help goovoo, and he always say ees good be honest wid udders.
So here I goze...
...Me want keel you.
How nice. And let me be honest with you. I hope you starve, you sad, moronic beast.
Dat comment totally inappropriate.
Ees okay, Bob. Me here for you.

Larry! Larry! Me caught one!
Me caught one!
A real live aneemal!!!
Lemme see, Jojo!! Lemme see!!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
IT'S A LETTER TO 'DEAR BETTY.' SHE'S THAT FROG IN THE PAPER WHO OFFERS RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.
GEE, PIG. THAT 'DEAR BETTY' HAS A REPUTATION FOR BEING A LITTLE CYNICAL. YOU SURE YOU WANT HER ADVICE?
OH, SURE! I LOVE 'DEAR BETTY,' AND I WANT TO KNOW HOW MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA AND I CAN HAVE A HAPPY, NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WHERE WE RARELY FIGHT AND NEVER TAKE EACH OTHER FOR GRANTED.
Good luck, moron.

HEY THERE, NEIGHBOR RON... HAVE YOU MET MY GUARD DUCK?
WOW... LOOKS LIKE QUITE A FIGHTER.
WHAT IS HE?... A FEATHERWEIGHT?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
... I JUST DON'T REACT WELL TO PUNS.

DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET MARRIED?
NOT UNTIL THEY ELIMINATE THE MARRIAGE PENALTY.
YOU FEEL THAT STRONGLY ABOUT TAXES?
IT RELATES TO TAXES?
THAT'S ALL IT RELATES TO.
SO I'LL STILL BE STUCK WITH ONE WOMAN WHO CUTS HER HAIR SHORT AND YELLS AT ME?
NEVER MIND.
I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

WHERE IS RAT TODAY?
AT HIS AEROBICS CLASS. HIS DOCTOR TOLD HIM HE HAD HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AND NEEDED TO EXERCISE.
YOU REALLY THINK RAT'S GONNA FOLLOW SOME AEROBICS TEACHER'S INSTRUCTIONS?
OH, SURE... I HAVE A LOT OF FAITH IN HIM...
...WHAT PART OF "IT'S MY FIVE MINUTE SMOKING BREAK, FATHEAD" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

gee, rat... you've got 442 unplayed messages on your cell phone.
yes, I know.
how come?
because people are stupid. and I hate them. you're my friend, pig. I have discovered that the key to happiness is to be entirely unreachable at all times.
oh, gosh, no... I love to talk to other people. everyone's perspective is unique. you learn all sorts of stuff. in fact, if you really think about it, It's probably one of the most rewarding parts of your day.
gee, I hadn't thought of it like that... you know, I gotta run to a doctor's appointment, but when I get back I'd really like to continue this conversation.
do you think you could call me?
you bet. which phone?
call my cell.
you got it, big guy.
I love it when he keeps an open mind.

I BELIEVE THAT YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IS PREDETERMINED AT BIRTH... YOU CAN'T CONTROL A THING... ALL OF YOUR ACTIONS ARE ALREADY WRITTEN IN STONE.
BOOT
IT'S SAD TO WATCH THIS UNFOLD.

I GOT A JOB WRITING MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS.
OH, YEAH? LET'S HEAR ONE.
"YOU'VE JUST GOT TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF."
AWW. THAT'S WONDERFUL.
"...BECAUSE GOD KNOWS, EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU'RE A MEADOWHEAD."
I'LL BE LEAVING NOW...

HEY THERE, NEIGHBOR EMILIO, HAVE YOU MET MY GUARD DUCK?
HAHHAHA... GUARD DUCK, HUH?... WELL, IF I'M EVER ATTACKED BY A WATER BUG, I'LL LET HIM KNOW. HAHHAHAHA......
...... IF THEY JUST WOULDN'T TALK DOWN TO ME...

DO YOU REALIZE THAT WITH ALL THE CUTBACKS BY NEWS ORGANIZATIONS, THERE ARE VERY FEW PRINT REPORTERS STILL DOING INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM?
SO?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'SO'? THE PRESS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE WATCHDOG OF GOVERNMENT... WITHOUT THEM, A VITAL PART OF THE DEMOCRATIC PROCESS IS MISSING.
DUDE DUDE DUDE DUDE RELAAAX... IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY WRITE.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE DUDE... NO ONE READS.
GOSH... I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.
YEP... IT ALL WORKS OUT NICELY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I GOT A JOB WRITING INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS.
WHAT ARE THOSE?
THEY'RE THOSE POSTERS WITH PICTURES OF A PRETTY SHORELINE OR GRAZING HORSES AND A FEW GENTLE WORDS DESIGNED TO INSPIRE PEOPLE. WANNA HEAR ONE I JUST WROTE?
SURE.
"YOU CAN DO IT... YOU BIG FAT TUB OF LARD."
HOW... INSPIRING.
YEAH... I THINK THAT'S THE ONLY ONE WITHOUT PROFANITY.

HI THERE, NEIGHBOR CHUCK... HAVE YOU MET MY GUARD DUCK?
HAHAHAHA... GUARD DUCK, HUH? WELL, GO GET 'EM, YOU FEROCIOUS LITTLE LUMP OF FEATHERS...
... I DON'T DO WELL WITH CONDESCENSION.

Hullooo, zeeba neighbuh...Lesten... We want make trade.
WHAT KIND OF TRADE?
We geev you nice fewee fwench fwees game piece we ween een MeezDonald's "Scwatch and ween" game. Ees gud foh one fewee fwench fwees.
ALRIGHT...AND WHAT'S MY PART OF THE BARGAIN?
We keel you.
Throw in milkshake.

MY SOCK PUPPET, PEPITO, REPORTS THAT YOU PAIRED HIM WITH THE WRONG SOCK IN THE SOCK DRAWER. THIS IS LIKE PUTTING THE WRONG WIFE IN A MAN'S BED.
I'M SORRY.
SORRY IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. WHAT YOU'VE DONE IS A MORAL OUTRAGE. LOOK AT THE EMOTIONAL DAMAGE YOU'VE CAUSED PEPITO.
PEPITO HAS AN ODD WAY OF SHOWING EMOTIONAL DAMAGE.

HELLO THERE, SIR...I'M WITH THE ANTELOPE MISSIONARY CORPS...AS I'M SURE YOU KNOW, WE'VE SENT A FEW MISSIONARIES OUT HERE TO YOUR HOME TO TALK WITH YOU AND MAYBE HELP YOU OVERCOME YOUR CARNIVOROUS WAYS. I'D JUST LIKE TO SEE HOW IT'S GOING...
HOW EET GOEEN??
Not too gud, he say.

MY SOCK PUPPET, PEPITO, IS HAVING A BAD DAY... PLEASE CHEER HIM UP BY TAKING HIM TO A LINGERIE SHOP AND INTRODUCING HIM TO A NICE, LACEY BRA.
GEE, RAT, I'D RATHER NOT... THOSE PLACES REALLY EMBARRASS ME.
PLEASE RECALL PEPITO'S VIOLENT PAST.
PEPITO, DOUBLE 'D'... DOUBLE 'D', PEPITO.

HELLO, THERE, SIR... I'M WITH THE ANTELOPE MISSIONARY CORPS AND WE'D LIKE TO SET UP A TIME THAT WE COULD SEND SOME OF THE CORPS OUT TO YOUR HOME AND MABIE SIT DOWN AND TALK.
Any time gud. Juss trow ovah fence.
THROW WHAT OVER THE FENCE?
Dead body.
CORPS. NOT CORPSE.
Oh. Me no want any...

HEY, THERE, ZEBRA. DID YOU HEAR MY ANTELOPE HERD HAS STARTED A PROGRAM TO TRY AND REDEEM THE CROCODILES?
NO... HOW'S IT WORK?
WE SEND ANTELOPE MISSIONARIES TO THE CROC'S HOMES WHO TRY TO LISTEN TO THE CROC'S CONCERNS AND PERSUADE THEM TO TURN AWAY FROM THEIR PREDATORY WAYS.
AND DO THE MISSIONARIES SAY IT'S WORKING?
HARD TO GAUGE.
WHY'S THAT HARD?
THEY DON'T COME BACK.