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AT THE DUMB GUYS CONVENTION
ALRIGHT, GUYS, TIME TO GET CRAZY AND PLAY "JUMP OFF THE FIFTH FLOOR BALCONY INTO THE SWIMMING POOL". ANY VOLUNTEERS?
I'LL GO! I'LL GO!
GERONIMOOOOO!
...THIS WOULD WORK SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER WITH A SWIMMING POOL.

WELL, I'M OFF TO THE DUMB GUYS CONVENTION.
WHAT'S THAT?
DUMB GUYS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD GET TOGETHER TO MEET AND TALK AND PLAY GAMES.
WHAT KIND OF GAMES?
...ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, IT'S TIME TO PLAY "GUESS PHIL'S NAME."
ERIC, MIKE, LOLA.

THE SAD, LONELY JOURNEY OF A "PEARLS" COMIC STRIP
THE CARTOONIST
HAHHAHA... THIS ONE IS REALLY EDGY AND FUNNY... PEOPLE WILL LOVE IT... HAHAHA...
THE WIFE
IT'S FUNNY, BABE, BUT YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE THAT ONE WORD. YOU KNOW WILET'S WON'T ALLOW IT.
YEAH... YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT. OKAY, I'LL CHANGE IT.
THE SYNDICATE
IT'S NICE, STEPHAN, BUT WE JUST CAN'T SHOW THAT ONE IMAGE IN THE THIRD PANEL.
FINE, JEFF. I'LL DELETE IT.
THE LAWYER
DUE TO YOUR HUGELY INDEFENSIBLE USE OF "EVERY KIND OF WAY," YOU SHOULD PROBABLY CHANGE THAT.
THE NEWSPAPER EDITOR
... LISTEN, WE SIMPLY CANNOT RUN THIS JOKE, BECAUSE IT IS INDECENT IN THAT TOPIC, BRINGS UP FORK, YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S AGE, THE NATION CAMP, THE NEIGHBORS RELATIONSHIP TO MARY WORTH.
- SIGH -
THE FAN
IT'S SAD.
I DON'T GET IT.
THE FAN
THAT'S A PITY.
THE FAN
THAT'S COOL.
YAY!
AM I ALREADY IN THE COMIC?
THEM
MAM, ARE THESE COMICS ANY GOOD

THE LIONS ATE MY BROTHER.
IS YOUR BROTHER MAD?
IS MY BROTHER MAD ABOUT BEING DEAD?
IS YOUR BROTHER MAD ABOUT BEING EATEN?
MY BROTHER’S DEAD.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING.

SOMETIMES EVERYONE AROUND ME ACTS SO DIFFERENT TOWARD ME THAT I THINK THEY ALL MUST HAVE GOTTEN A SECRET MEMO REVEALING WHAT A JERK I REALLY AM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
FI FINK FO.

I'M GOING SWIMMING AT THE CITY POOL. WANT TO COME?
I CAN'T... I'VE GOT A BUNCH OF STUFF TO DO.
WELL, MAYBE YOU CAN MEET ME THERE LATER.
OKAY... BUT DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH.
GLUG GLUG GLUG

ALPHONSE, THE NEEDY PORCUPINE, IS ON THE PHONE. HE'S EXTREMELY UPSET THAT YOU PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE JUST FOR HUGGING YOU. HE SAYS THAT IF YOU DON'T APOLOGIZE, HE'LL JUMP OUT HIS WINDOW.
TELL YOUR FRIEND I THINK HE'S A BIG, FAT DRAMA QUEEN AND THAT HE MANUFACTURES CRISES JUST TO GET ATTENTION.
... HE SAID WHAT?

RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, ALPHONSE, THE NEEDY PORCUPINE.
YOU'RE THAT DEGENERATE WHO HUGGED PIG YESTERDAY.
WHEN YOU CALL ME A "DEGENERATE," IT HURTS ME. AND WHEN I HURT I HUG.
ALPHONSE, THIS IS MY FRIEND, FISTY, THE KICK-YOU-#%@ HAND.
WE SHOULD GO...I'VE MET THAT GUY.
NOT BEFORE MY GOODBYE HUG.

THERE'S A PORCUPINE AT THE DOOR... HE SAYS HE'S NEEDY AND WOULD REALLY LIKE A HUG.
SLAM THE DOOR ON HIM.
HE WAS VERY PERSUASIVE.

I CAN'T SLEEP.
PING
PING
PING
PING
OH, SUPER... THE INSOMNIATEERS ARE BACK.
WHAT'S IT TONIGHT, FELLAS?
IT'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND. SHE'S CHEATING ON YOU.
CHEATING ON ME??
WITH WHO?
KEN. THE GUY IN THE GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT.
KEN?!
YEP. THE GUY SHE ALWAYS SAYS IS SO NICE.
YOU GUY SURE MAKES HER LAUGH.
OH, SUPER... THE GUY SHE ALWAYS "LUNCH WITH."
THE GUY YOU MENTIONED YOU WERE SUSPICIOUS ABOUT, WHICH FOR THE RECORD, WE ALL TOLD YOU CALL YOU "PARANOID" AND "OVEROBSESIVE."
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
HOW COULD SHE?!? I ...
I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
WHAT?? ISN'T THIS 505 SANSOME STREET??
NO??
NO, IT'S 385 HEARST.
YOU IDIOT.
YOU FED US ALL THOSE POOR INFIDELITY WORDS AND THEN MESSED UP THE ADDRESS!
OH, COME ON. I'M UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE.
I BLEW IT.
EVERYBODY, SHUT UP!! JUST SHUT UP!!! WE GOTTA GET TO 505 SANSOME FAST!!
SORRY I'M LATE, HONEY... KEN AND I HAD A MEETING

MAN... SOMETIMES I'M JUST TIRED OF LIVING.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
GOING?
IF YOU'RE TIRED OF LIVING, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.
OHHH... I GO THERE A LOT.

THIS IS MY FRIEND BENNIE. BENNIE IS ATTRACTED TO BOTH MEN AND WOMEN.
THAT WOULD MAKE HIM BISEXUAL.
NOT EXACTLY, BECAUSE BENNIE DOESN'T CHOOSE TO BE ATTRACTED TO BOTH SEXES. HE ONLY DOES IT BECAUSE HE'S LONELY AND WILL TAKE WHATEVER HE CAN GET.
BENNIE'S A "DESPERASEXUAL."

HEY, BULL... HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. I'M GOING ON VACATION NEXT WEEK... GONNA GO TO PAMPLONA.
OH, FOR THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS?
THE TRAMPLING OF THE IDIOTS.
... GET ONE FOR ME.

HEY, PAL, DO A PORTRAIT OF MY WIFE.
WHAT THE?? WHY’D YOU DRAW THAT COW IN THE BACKGROUND?
THAT’S THE FOREGROUND.
SURE. BLAME THE MESSENGER.

HEY, BUDDY, I'LL DRAW YOUR PORTRAIT FOR TEN BUCKS.
ARE YOU ANY GOOD AT REALLY CAPTURING SOMEONE'S LIKENESS?
NO.
JUMP FOR JOY, YOU HOMEY CRETIN.

I JUST BOUGHT THIS MODEL OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM, BUT IT'S MISSING SATURN.
GEEZ...WHAT A @#!*%&$* RIP-OFF.
GEEZ...WHAT A @#!*%&$* RIP-OFF.
THERE ARE ADVANTAGES TO HAVING A FOUL MOUTH IN THE FUNNY PAGES.

WHAT'RE YOU WATCHING, RAT?
IT'S A TRAVEL VIDEO ALL ABOUT SAN FRAN-CISCO. I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING THERE THIS FALL.
OHH, I LOVE FRISCO. THERE'S THE HILLS, THE CABLE CARS, LOMBARD STREET...
I WANNA GO TO SEE FISHERMAN'S WHARF AND RIDE THROUGH CHINATOWN.
AND... I JUST HAVE TO SEE THOSE GIANTS!
I LOVE THE GIANTS! DUDE, I AM THE WORLD'S BIGGEST BARRY BONDS FAN!
HE'S SO MISUNDERSTOOD.
GREAT PLAYER?
DID YOU SAY SAN FRANCISCO? BUT THE GIANTS PLAY IN SAN FRANCISCO... ISN'T THAT WHERE THE CHRONICLE IS? IT'S SUPPOSEDLY A GREAT NEWSPAP... WAIT... ARE THEY THE SAME CITY?
GUYS... WHAT'RE YOU DOING?
NOTHING.
NOTHING.
WELL, GOOD, BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THE SAN-FRANCISCO CHRONICLE IS STARTING ANOTHER FUNNY PAGE, AND I KNOW IT'S THE HOMETOWN PAPER OF THE STRIP'S CREATOR, STEPHAN PASTIS, AND I KNOW SOME MUCH-UNDERVED RESPECT FOR THE MAN WOULD BE ENOUGH TO SCARE THE ALL OF THE STRIP'S INTEREST IN SOME PATHETIC ATTEMPT TO SUCK UP TO THE CHRONICLE AND THE ENTIRE BAY AREA...
TH

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF EUTHANASIA?
TO BE HONEST, I HAVE NO IDEA… I’VE NEVER MET ANY OF THEM.
WHO?
THE YOUTH IN ASIA.
HONESTY IS NOT THE BEST POLICY.

DID YOU HEAR THAT OLD MAN COUERLY IS ON HIS DEATHBED?
NO... HOW SCARY.
WHAT'S SO SCARY?
TO BE KILLED BY YOUR OWN BED... THAT'S WHAT'S SCARY.
YOU'RE SCARY.
I'M SLEEPING ON THE SOFA.

VINCENT J., OF SAN MARINO, CA, WRITES, 'YOU GUYS ARE ALWAYS GLOOMY, WHILE THE CHARACTERS IN "FAMILY CIRCUS" ARE ALWAYS HAPPY. YOU ARE IN 150 PAPERS. "FAMILY CIRCUS" IS IN 1,500.'
WELL, VINCENT...WE HERE AT "PEARLS" DON'T MEASURE OURSELVES BY NUMBER OF PAPERS. WE PRIDE OURSELVES ON BEING EDGY AND DARING, BECAUSE WE... WE... EXACTLY HOW MUCH INCOME IS 1,500 PAPERS?
THIS SAYS $750,000 PER YEAR.
I said, "SMILE", Dolly Piggy.

THE "PEARLS" MAILBAG
OUR NEXT E-MAIL IS FROM
STEPHEN H., OF BERKELEY, CA,
WHO ASKS, "IS RAT AS RUDE IN
REAL LIFE AS HE APPEARS TO
BE IN THE COMIC STRIP?"
WELL, STEVE, PERHAPS YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND THAT I'M ONLY A
DRAWING. WITH JUST A COUPLE
SWIPES OF THE ERASER, I
CEASE TO EXIST.
THIS CHANGES
EVERYTHING…

THE "PEARLS" MAILBAG
THIS "PEARLS" READER WRITES, "IF I GAVE YOU $500, WOULD YOU NAME A CHARACTER IN THE STRIP AFTER ME?"
PLEASE, PEOPLE... AS MUCH AS WE'D LIKE TO ACCOMMODATE ALL FAN REQUESTS, WE ARE SIMPLY NOT GOING TO SACRIFICE THE INTEGRITY OF THE STRIP TO TURN A QUICK PROFIT.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, THEODORE JAMES HAWKINS?
CALL ME TEDDY.

WELL, FOLKS, IT'S TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR THE "PEARLS" MAILBAG, WHERE WE ANSWER SOME OF THE MANY E-MAILS THAT POUR IN EVERY WEEK HERE AT "PEARLS, INC."
OUR FIRST E-MAIL IS FROM CELIA L., OF SAN FRANCISCO, CA, WHO WRITES, "PIG IS SO CUTE AND KIND AND HUMBLE. HAS HIS SUDDEN POPULARITY CHANGED HIM AT ALL?"... WELL, CELIA, LET'S ASK PIG.
YO, GIRL. P. DIDDY PIGGY DON'T WANT NO PLAYAH HATAHS.

DEAR YOU EVIL CROCODILES,
A FEW WEEKS AGO, YOU KILLED MY BELOVED COUSIN, EDDIE.
YOU THEN TRIED TO COMPENSATE MY HER FOR THIS TRAGIC LOSS BY OFFERING TO BUY A BOX OF COOKIES, WHICH MY HER SOLD AS PART OF OUR FUNDRAISING EFFORTS.
WE SENT YOU THOSE COOKIES … AND YOU STIFFED US ON THE BILL.
WE THEN SENT OUR COUSIN VINNIE TO VISIT YOU AND COLLECT ON THE BILL … WE HAVE LOST ALL CONTACT WITH VINNIE.
IF YOU EVER HOPE TO HAVE ANY SORT OF CONSTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH US AGAIN, WE STRONGLY SUGGEST THAT YOU PROVIDE US WITH PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF THAT VINNIE IS STILL WITH YOU.
YAAA! (STILL WIFF US)
… HE’S CHANGED.

PIGITA AND RAT FIN- ISHED OFF THE MS. BODYWORTH BOTTLE... SHE'S GONE, GOAT...MS. BODYWORTH IS GONE.
GEE, PIG... I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
WHAT WILL I DO? HOW WILL I GO ON? HOW DO YOU REPLACE SOMEONE WHO IS SO SPECIAL? HOW DO YOU REPLACE SOMEONE WHO IS THE MOST IRREPLACEABLE WOMAN YOU'VE EVER MET IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE???
THANKS FOR THE TIP.