Pearls Before Swine | Search

BILLS.. JUNK MAIL.. BILLS.. UHH.. SOMETHING FROM SOMEONE NAMED "PETEY"
PETEY? PETEY?? I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL WEEK FOR THAT!! THAT'S OUR NEIGHBOR PETEY THE PARTY PERSON! HE'S HAVING A HUGE PARTY AND EVERYONE ON THE BLOCK'S BEEN INVITED EXCEPT ME.. BUT A-HA!! MY INVITATION HAD JUST GOTTEN LOST IN THE MAIL, AND NOW IT'S HERE.. YIPPEE.. READ IT!
"DEAR PIG,
YOU ARE NOT INVITED TO MY PARTY.
P.S. JUST THOUGHT I'D SEND THIS IN CASE YOU'D THOUGHT ABOUT SHOWING UP, WHICH WOULD BE A BIG MISTAKE, 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT INVITED."

Hulooog, zeeba neighba. Leesten. Me want you meet new guy. He Fat Fred.
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS HAD TROUBLE CATCHING PREY.
We does... Dat is why so many brudders not in house anymore. Dey move out to find food udder places. Fred here is guy we hire to help dem move safely.
Ees gud job.
Sadly, no one dat leave send postcahd.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU STUPID PIG?... YOU HAVEN'T TOUCHED YOUR BREAKFAST.
I KNOW...I'M JUST SAYING A LITTLE PRAYER FOR MY LATE AUNT TODDY.
YOUR AUNT TODDY DIED? HOW DO YOU KNOW?
WELL...SHE'S NOT MOVING.
I REALLY WISH YOU'D SKIP THE SAUSAGE.

Editor’s Note:
Stephan Pastis is on vacation today. Filling in for him is his childhood friend, John Patzakis.
My name is John Patzakis. I have known Stephan since first grade.
His humor desperately punctures some kind and good soul, and he cannot seem to STOP. First, it was in the third grade when he whipped me with a towel after swimming in a YMCA pool. It was humiliating. Plus, when I got home, my mom didn’t believe my story.
NO ONE LIKES HIM!
You may ask, "Then why do you remain friends?" Simple answer. I feel sorry for his parents.
You see, growing up, Stephan was a skinny, obnoxious loser with super white teeth. Absolutely no focus in life. NONE.
He never made it onto his grade school sports team the first go round.

He tried out for a cross country and golf, which IS a sport, you know. Only to end up with long toenails and a mouthful of braces.
He played with Tsar Wars’ dolls and literally would press me at times to kiss a girl until college. (That’s when before kissing my wife.)
Well, That’s all I can think of for now. If it got real quiet in here, I’ll just stroke the keyboard until I’ve caused Stephan told me I could share this AGAIN.

BYE, BYE…
I DON’T THINK I’LL HAVE JOHN DO THIS AGAIN.

I GOT AN
E-MAIL FROM MY
INTERNET
PEN-PAL.
I DIDN'T
KNOW YOU
HAD AN
INTERNET
PEN-PAL.
YEAH, I SEND OUT
ALL THESE E-MAILS
TO PEOPLE, AND HE'S
THE ONLY GUY WHO'S
COURTEOUS ENOUGH
TO RESPOND.
WHAT'S HIS
NAME ?
MAILER
DAEMON.
...ON THE DOWNSIDE, HE'S
A TAD REPETITIVE.

WELL, WHADDYA KNOW...IT'S NEIGHBOR TED, THE PERSONAL TRAINER.
HEY THERE, PIG...WHEN ARE YOU GONNA START WORKING OUT WITH ME?
GEE, TED. I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO.
WELL, YOU SHOULD. YOU'D IMPROVE YOUR HEALTH AND YOU COULD DEVELOP GREAT BICEPS, GREAT ABS, AND A GREAT REAR END, TO BOOT.
THANKS, TED, BUT I GET KICKED ENOUGH IN THE BUTT ALREADY.
GEE...IMAGINE THAT.

sam's seafood CRAB FEED
FEED ME
bummer

HEY THERE, JIMMY CRAB! WHAT'S WITH THE FORK AND KNIFE?
HIYA, PIG, GEE, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE IT. I'M GOING TO THIS PLACE DOWNTOWN WHERE PEOPLE ARE GONNA PAY $20 FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF FEEDING ME. I SAW A SIGN PROMOTING IT IN THEIR WINDOW.
GEE, JIMMY, WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
WHO KNOWS? I GUESS THEY'RE NATURE LOVERS OR SOMETHING AND JUST WANT THE PRIVILEGE OF SEEING HOW CRABS EAT. BUT I GOTTA RUN! I DON'T WANT TO BE LATE!
HAVE FUN, JIMMY.

...AND I CAN SAY WITHOUT FEAR OF CONTRADICTION THAT THE CAPITAL OF TEXAS IS DALLAS.
DUDE, THE CAPITAL OF TEXAS IS AUSTIN, AND HERE'S AN ATLAS TO PROVE IT...
HE LOST FACE.

BEHOLD! THE "TOWEL O' SILENCE"! I AM NOW IMMUNE TO THE BLABBERING OF IDIOTS.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
WHEN IDIOTS BLABBER, I SHOVE THIS TOWEL IN THEIR MOUTH. THE BLABBERING STOPS, AND I AM PLEASED.
BUT I LIKE TO LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE TALK... IT MAKES ME HAPPY.
I SEE OUR APPROACH VARIES.

HEY PIG, WHAT'S THAT THING, RAT?
WELL, SINCE IVE ALWAYS COMPLAINED ABOUT HAVING TO LIVE IN A WORLD FULL OF IDIOTS I THOUGHT ID DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT… HENCE, THIS…
THE "BALL O' SPLENDID ISOLATION"
YES. ITS A SELF-CONTAINED ORB-SHAPED DOME… ONCE INSIDE, I CANT SEE OR HEAR PEOPLE… I CANT HEAR OTHER PEOPLE… IT'S 100% MORON FREE.
AH CONTRAIRE YOU LARD-FILLED IGNORAMUS… I'VE GOT MY IPOD, PASTA, BEER AND CABLE.
IN SHORT, I HAVE ACHIEVED THE CLOSEST THING TO NIRVANA THAT ONE CAN ACHIEVE WHILE ALIVE. NOW STAND ASIDE AND SAY, "GOODBYE, FOUL WORLD."
...DUUUUDE… THAT ROCKS.
YEAH… MAD PROPS TO YOU, LITTLE DUDE.
DUUUUDE… IT ROLLS.
HEH… LIKE NO DISRESPECT, DUDE.

MY SOCK PUPPET, PEPITO, HAS HAD
INSUFFICIENT SLEEP AND HAS BE-
COME DELUSIONAL. HE NOW
BELIEVES HE IS CHRISSIE HYNDE.
PLEASE GIVE MS. HYNDE THE
RESPECT SHE DESERVES.
I GOT BRASS IN POCKET,
GOT BOTTLE... AH'M
GONNA USE IT...
WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?...
I'M TRYING TO READ THE
NEWSPAPER.
YOU'VE ANGERED MS. HYNDE.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT... ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW... IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD AN ATTORNEY, ONE WILL BE APPOINTED FOR YOU... DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
I DO.
CARMEN MIRANDA WARNING.

SOMETIMES WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR, I HATE WHO I SEE.
WELL, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, I THINK WE'RE ALL A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED WITH WHO WE'VE BECOME...
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

WHAT ARE YOU TWO GONNA ORDER?
I CAN’T DECIDE.
I KNOW WHAT I WANT...
THE THREE-EGG OMELETTE.

OKAY, KIDS... FATES CALLING... KNOW THAT YOU WERE LOVED...

OH, MY GOODNESS, NO! I COULD NEVER EAT AN OMELETTE! IT’S GONNA LEAVE A CHICKEN MOTHER SUFFERING FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE... NEVER! NEVER!

GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF, PIG! IT’S OKAY. NOBODY’S GONNA SUFFER. I’LL TALK TO THE COOK AND TAKE CARE OF THIS.

OH, THANK YOU, RAT! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

...ONE BARBECUED CHICKEN, PLEASE.

DUDE. WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING UP?
I CAN'T SLEEP. I JUST KEEP HAVING THE SAME WORRY OVER AND OVER.
WHAT IS IT?
"CHER" BACKWARDS IS "REHC." AS IN, "I'M GONNA RCHC THE WHOLE STINKIN' WORLD..."
I'LL BE LEAVING NOW.
AND "SONNY BONO" IS "ONOB YNNOS"!!!
OH GAAAAND NOOOOOOOO!!!
WAIT...WAIT...WHAT'S AN "ONOB YNNOS"...?

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
I'M TRYING TO COME UP WITH MY OWN PERSONAL MOTTO... SOMETHING I CAN LIVE BY.
OH, I HAVE A FEW... "LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF--" "LAUGH AND THE WORLD LAUGHS WITH YOU--" "TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE..." WHAT DID YOU WRITE?
"CRUSH THE LITTLE PEOPLE."
I'M TRYING TO BE REALISTIC.

IN THE OLD DAYS, IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE, YOU HAD TO HANG UP THE PHONE ON THEM.
THEN CAME THE ANSWERING MACHINE, WHICH ALLOWED YOU TO HEAR THE PERSON'S VOICE BEFORE TALKING TO THEM, SO YOU COULD DECIDE IF YOU EVEN WANTED TO TALK TO THEM.
THEN CAME CALLER I.D., WHICH LET YOU SEE WHO WAS CALLING WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO HEAR HIS VOICE.
WITH EACH NEW ADVANCE, IT SEEMS TECHNOLOGY PUTS MORE AND MORE DISTANCE BETWEEN US AND OTHER PEOPLE.
I ASK YOU... IS THIS THE DREAM?
IT WOULD SEEM SO.
YOU'RE RIGHT...
THAT BOT WOULD BE ACCOMPLISHED WITH. INSTEAD, SOCIETY IS MAKING GREAT STRIDES IN INCLUDING.
NO OFFENSE.

MY SOCK PUPPET, PEPITO, SAYS
YOU'RE THE TYPE OF GUY WHO
WOULD QUESTION HIS CREDIBILITY,
FORCING HIM TO BEAT YOU ABOUT
THE HEAD... IS PEPITO TELLING ME
THE TRUTH?
GEE... I DON'T THINK SO.
... BEHOLD. A PROPHET.

MY SOCK PUPPET, PEPITO, SAYS YOU SHOVED HIM IGNOMINIOUSLY INTO THE WASH WITH THE OTHER SOCKS.
HE WAS DIRTY.
LISTEN TO ME... VEEERY CAREFULLY. PEPITO IS SOCK ROYALTY. HE DOES NOT MINGLE WITH THE PLEBEIANS. HE DOES NOT BATHE WITH THE UNWASHED MASSES. YOUR OFFENSE IS SERIOUS. BESEECH PEPITO FOR FORGIVENESS AND PRAY FOR A MERCIFUL JUDGMENT.
FORGIVE ME, PEPITO. I MEANT NO HARM.
BAD NEWS.

WHO'S AT
THE FRONT
DOOR?
YOUR CROCODILE
NEIGHBORS... THEY'RE
BOBBING FOR APPLES
AND WANT TO KNOW
IF YOU'D JOIN THEM.
PIG... ONE OF THOSE CROCODILES
IS WAITING AT THE BOTTOM
OF THAT WATER... IF I STICK
MY HEAD IN THERE, HE'LL
BITE IT AND THEY'LL EAT
ME AND I'LL DIE.
IS THAT A NO?

HEY THERE, NEIGHBOR JIM... WHY THE LONG FACE?
I WANT TO QUIT MY STUPID JOB, BUT I CAN'T... I HAVE A WIFE, TWO KIDS AND DEBT UP TO MY EARS.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT DRESSING UP AS A GRAPEFRUIT AND PROCLAIMING "JIM THE GRAPEFRUIT DAY"?
I'D BE LIKE "YAAAAAY, JIM THE GRAPEFRUIT! YAAAAAAAAY! YAAAAAAAAAY!"
YOU'D MAKE A VERY DEPRESSING GRAPEFRUIT.

Hulloooo, Zeeba neighba... Leesten...
Yestaday, Cousin Jeeny die when choke on antylope bone. We want raise money preent pamphlet say, "Chew you Antylope Carefully..." Mebbe you help... Give donashun.
WHAT? Those ANTELOPES just MOVED IN YESTERDAY AND YOU'VE ALREADY EATEN ONE?? How 'BOUT I WRITE MY OWN PAMPHLET FOR CROCODILES TITLED, "I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON EVERYTHING YOU EAT, YOU STUPID, HEARTLESS EVIL MURDERERS!"
Sound like we no on same page.

WELL, HELLO...YOU MUST BE ZEBRA. I'M BOB THE ANTELOPE...MYSELF JUST MOVED IN TWO DOORS DOWN.
HI, BOB...NICE TO MEET YOU. HAVE YOU BY CHANCE TALKED TO ANY OF OUR OTHER NEIGHBORS?
WELL, THE HENDERSONS CALLED. THEY SEEM LIKE VERY NICE PEOPLE...IN FACT, THEY EVEN INVITED US OVER TO THEIR POOL PARTY.
THE HENDERSONS? I DIDN'T KNOW WE HAD ANY PEOPLE IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD NAMED THE "HENDERSONS".
AH, I REMEMBAH, EET BAG BREAK PLAY DUMM!!

Hullo? Yoo, zeeba neighba... lesten. We want you meet wife, Debbie... She a new crocky-dile mom lift-to-neek dee bees wonda that not all crockydees ees destroyahs of life.. Some ees good moms dat love preshis keeds....
HMMMM...YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED SOMETHING ABOUT CROCODILE MOTHERS... IS IT TRUE THAT RIGHT AFTER YOUR CHILDREN ARE BORN, YOU KEEP THEM IN YOUR MOUTH TO PROTECT THEM FROM PREDATORS?
HAHAHAHA!! Eesn't dat aMAYSeng??... Way to go, Debbie!!!... Way to go!!!
Ees okay... We make more.