Pearls Before Swine | Search

AND NOW, A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM YOUR FAVORITE RAT
KIDS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT FOR ME, THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN A TEACHER WHO DRONES ON AND ON ABOUT BORING HISTORY AND THEN HANDS YOU A BUNCH OF AWFUL BOOKS ABOUT EVENTS THAT TOOK PLACE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.
BUT NOW, THERE'S HOPE. YOUR FAVORITE RAT HAS READ THOSE BOOKS AND ADDED INSIGHTFUL COMMENTS ON EACH PAGE OF HIS VERY OWN SUMMARY REPORTS, WHICH ARE PRINTED ON FLOW PAPER BEING OFFERED TO YOU FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF $1.99.
SO, IF YOU LIKE YOUR EVENTS SUMMARIZED BY A RAT FOR THIRTY YEARS DOWN TO ONE PAGE, AND THEN, OF COURSE, A NIP OF LIME-COLORED PAPER, SEND $1.99 TO THE ADDRESS YOU SEE BELOW. WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE'S AN EXAMPLE.
THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION
WE DON'T LIKE TEA AND WE DON'T LIKE THE BRITISH PEOPLE YELLING AT US. SO, YEARS LATER, WE MAKE OUR BREAK.
THE CIVIL WAR
GUYS WITH BIG HATS SHOOTING OTHER GUYS WITH BIG HATS. THOSE THAT DIE FROM THE BULLETS, STICK AROUND AND STAR IN "DUKES OF HAZZARD".
THE GREAT DEPRESSION
POOR PEOPLE MOVE FROM CALIFORNIA

Dear Yasser Arafat,
why do you always wear that scarf on your head? It looks kinda weird.
You stupid pig.. why do you waste your time writing letters like that? Yasser Arafat doesn't care what you think...

GOOD MOOOORNING, RAT... PLEASE, WHAT A NIGHT I HAD. LET ME TELL YOU ALL MY HEALTH AND FAMILY PROBLEMS.
GO AWAY, ALPHONSE. NO ONE LIKES A NEEDY PORCUPINE.
OH MY... YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS. I AM NOT EMOTIONALLY PREPARED TO DEAL WITH THIS LEVEL OF HOSTILITY THIS MORNING. (SNIFFLE)... PLEASE...GIVE ME... A TISSUE...
DUDE, STOP... I DON'T LIKE YOU... I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU... ALL YOU DO IS ATTRACT PITY BY MANUFACTURING BOGUS DRAMA... NOW LEAVE ME THE @#&% ALONE, GOT IT??
I'VE SUFFERED A CORONARY... IT'S FATAL. GOODBYE.
BYE BYE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M USING THIS STUDFINDER TO TRY AND FIND A PLACE WHERE I CAN HANG THIS HEAVY PICTURE.
AHA! FOUND ONE.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE US ALONE?
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

HEY, RAT... DID YOU GET ME THE STYLING GEL AT THE GROCERY STORE?
YEAH, YOU DUMB PIG... IT'S ON THE BATHROOM COUNTER.
... HEY, WAIT... THIS IS THE MEGA-HOLD ONE. I USE THE MEDIUM HOLD.
OH, SHUT UP, YOU BIG WHINER... THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.
I BEG TO DIFFER.

WHY ARE YOU SO EXCITED, MORON?
BECAUSE MICHAEL JACKSON WROTE ME BACK. THANKS TO ME, HE FOUND HIS MISSING NOSE IN THE DRYER! NOW HE WANTS TO SHOW HIS APPRECIATION BY INVITING ME OVER FOR A NIGHT AT THE NEVERLAND RANCH!
(Funny ending deleted at request of my syndicate.)

Dear Michael Jackson,
Your nose appears to be missing.
Have you checked the dryer? That's where a lot of my stuff ends up.
OH, GOOD, MORON... SEND A LETTER TO MICHAEL JACKSON TELLING HIM TO LOOK FOR HIS NOSE IN THE DRYER. I'M SURE HE'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT...
TITO!!

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT MILLIONS OF STUDENTS AROUND THIS COUNTRY ARE CHEATING IN THEIR ENGLISH COURSES BY SKIPPING THE ASSIGNED READING AND GOING TO WEB SITES LIKE SPARKNOTES TO PURCHASE CANNED BOOK REPORTS ON THE LITERATURE.
THIS.
IS.
WRONG.
WHY IS IT WRONG? BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING OVERCHARGED.
THAT'S RIGHT.
SO SINCE THAT RAT HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO READ ALL OF THESE BOOKS, I OFFER YOU HAND-WRITTEN BOOK REPORTS TO YOU FOR THE ROCK-BOTTOM PRICE OF JUST $1 PER REPORT.
THESE OUTSTANDING BOOK REPORTS IS PRINTED BELOW.
CUT IT OUT, TURN IT IN AND TELL OUR ENGLISH TEACHER HOW A CRUMMY INTERNET SITE MADE ESL LAME TO READ.
THEY EASY, NON-VIOLENT, INFINITELY BETTER.
ALL Quiet on the Western Front
Had come for the
BELL TOLLS
more guy. Guy dies.
THE GREAT GATSBY
no war. Guy dies.
Death of a Salesman
Guy dies.
The Grapes of Wrath
Two guys die.
JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE'LL TACKLE THOSE PESKY HISTORY BOOKS!
NOW...
GO BACK TO YOUR NINTENDO!!!

HI, MR. PASTIS. PIG SAYS YOU CALLED.
YEAH, LISTEN, RAT... I FIRED YOUR PAL, TOBY, TODAY... THERE'S JUST NO LICENSING POTENTIAL FOR AN AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE...
NO LICENSING POTENTIAL? HA, I KNEW YOU WERE A SELL-OUT, PASTIS! SO MUCH FOR YOUR BIG-TALKING "I'LL BE JUST LIKE BILL WATTERSON AND NEVER MASS-MARKET MY CHARACTERS' ACT," YOU HYPOCRITICAL WEASEL!
YOU'RE REALLY JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.

GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, TOBY THE AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE. HE FEARS PUBLIC PLACES, SO HE STAYS IN HIS SHELL AND DRINKS FROM A BEER BONG.
IT'S...
NICE...
TO...
MEET...
POUR POUR POUR POUR
FOOOOOOSHHHH
GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG
UUUUUUUUURP
YOU.
NUTS.
PASSED OUT AGAIN.

JUST BECAUSE TOBY THE AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE IS AFRAID OF PUBLIC PLACES IS NO REASON FOR HIM TO LIVE IN HIS SHELL AND GUZZLE FROM A BEER BONG.
... I THINK THAT LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL AND MAYBE WITH HELP, TOBY CAN REALIZE THAT, TOO.
HIYAAA!!
TOBY REJECTS YOUR THEORY.

...SO YOU POUR THE BEER IN THIS FUNNEL AND IT RUSHES DOWN THE TUBE INTO TOBY'S MOUTH.
BUT BEER ISN'T THE ANSWER. TOBY NEEDS TO KNOW THAT BEER ISN'T THE ANSWER.
SMACK!
TOBY IS NOT IN THE MOOD FOR YOUR LECTURE.

TOBY THE AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE IS AFRAID OF PUBLIC PLACES. THAT'S WHY HE STAYS IN HIS SHELL.
BUT ISN'T HE BORED?
NOT REALLY. HE HAS HIS BEER. AND THAT MAKES HIM HAPPY.
BUT HOW'S HE SUPPOSED TO GET BEER DOWN IN THERE?
TOBY WOULD LIKE YOU TO HOLD HIS BEER BONG.

I'D LIKE YOU GUYS TO MEET MY FRIEND, TOBY THE AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE.
AGORAPHOBIC? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
HE'S AFRAID OF SWEATERS.

I HEAR YOUR ZEBRA HERD HAS STARTED AN "ADOPT- A-ZEBRA" PROGRAM.
WHAT FOR?
WE SEND ZEBRAS INTO THE HOMES OF CROCODILE FAMILIES.
IT'S SORT OF A CULTURAL EXCHANGE. WE FIGURE THAT IF THEY GET TO KNOW US PERSONALLY AND LEARN ABOUT OUR CULTURE, THEY'RE LESS LIKELY TO EAT US.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WE THINK YOU TASTE GOOD.
BUT ISN'T THAT DANGEROUS?
NOT REALLY. THE PROGRAM CONTAINS MANY RULES. FOR EXAMPLE, THE CROCODILE FAMILY NEVER CAUSES HARM TO THEIR ADOPTED ZEBRA.
WHAT A WONDERFUL IDEA.
WE THINK IT'S DUMB.
SO THEN HE INTERRUPTS OUR GAME TO TALK ABOUT "ZEBRA HISTORY MONTH," AND LARRY HERE SAYS, HOW 'BOUTS WE MAKE HIM ZEBRA HISTORY?, AND WE ALL STARTED LAUGHING AND JOKING AND... AW, GEE, HONEY, I GUESS YOU JUST HAD TO BE THERE.

WHY AREN'T YOU AT THE PIZZA PARLOR?
I CLOSED IT DOWN. THE "TRADE-IN-YOUR-HUSBAND-FOR-A-PIZZA" PROMOTION WAS WAY TOO POPULAR.
BUT WHY'D YOU HAVE TO CLOSE IT DOWN??
BECAUSE WHEN IT WAS OPEN, THEY JUST WOULDN'T STOP BRINGING IN THEIR HUSBANDS... I FIGURED THIS WAS THE ONE WAY TO STOP THEM.

I HEAR RAT'S GONNA END THE PIZZA PARLOR PROMOTION WHERE WOMEN CAN TRADE IN THEIR HUSBANDS FOR A PIZZA.
YEAH... HE'S GOT NO CHOICE... THE PROMOTION GOT SO POPULAR, HE RAN OUT OF PIZZA.
HE'S YOURS FOR A BREADSTICK.
I'LL GIVE YOU A PIZZA.

CAROL, PLEASE, YOU'RE NOT GONNA TRADE ME IN FOR A PIZZA.
OH, BUT I AM. REMEMBER HOW YOU ALWAYS COMPLAINED THAT I WASN'T SPONTANEOUS ENOUGH?...
WELL, MR. "LET'S-THROW-THE-WHOLE-FAMILY-IN-THE-CAR-AND-DRIVE-TO-THE-BEACH-WITH-TWO-MINUTES-NOTICE," THIS IS PRETTY SPONTANEOUS!
C'MON, BABY, I LOVE THE BRAIN WAY YOU HAVE TO PLAN EVERYTHING OUT.
...THAT DIDN'T COME OUT RIGHT.

...C'MON, STACI, YOU'RE NOT REALLY GONNA TRADE ME IN FOR A PIZZA.
LISTEN, STEPHAN... YOU NEVER PICK UP YOUR SOCKS... YOU NEVER CALL WHEN YOU SAY YOU'RE GONNA CALL... AND YOU BOUGHT ME A RAKE FOR MY BIRTHDAY...
...IT WAS A VERY NICE RAKE.

..LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT... RAT IS MANAGING A PIZZA PARLOR DOWNTOWN AND HE'S RUNNING A PROMOTION WHERE WOMEN CAN TRADE IN THEIR HUSBANDS FOR A PIZZA.
YEAH... AND SOME OF THE WOMEN ARE REALLY TRYING TO PUSH THE LIMITS.
PUSH THEM HOW?
...FOR THE LAST TIME, MA'AM, I AM NOT GIVING YOU A CUP OF MINESTRONE FOR YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.

RAT GOT A JOB MANAGING THAT PIZZA PARLOR DOWNTOWN.
THE ONE THAT NO ONE GOES TO?
YEAH, BUT HE'S GOT THIS NEW PROMOTION... YOU CAN TRADE IN YOUR HUSBAND FOR A PIZZA.
WHAT? DOES HE REALLY THINK ANY WOMAN WOULD DO THAT?
...AND YOU SHOULD KNOW... HE NEVER LIFTS THE TOILET SEAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M THE GRAND PEA, AND I'M COMBATING VEGETABLEISM.
YOU'RE COMBATING WHAT?
VEGETABLEISM...THE DISCRIMINATORY TREATMENT OF CERTAIN VEGETABLES BASED SOLELY ON THE TYPE OF VEGETABLE THEY ARE.
YOU'RE COMBATING `PEAISM'?
ARE YOU @#$% G*#*% KIDDING ME? IS THIS THE BEST YOU'VE GOT AFTER 18,340 YEARS OF GLORIOUS REIGN??
HARDLY. LOOK BEHIND YOU.
RESTRICTED BEACH AREA P EAS KEEP OUT
WHAT AWE YOU TWO FIGHTING ABOUT?
YOU IDIOT! THAT SIGN ISN'T LOST A COUPLE OF LETTERS. IT'S SUPPOSED TO SAY `PEAS', NOT `P-E-AS'.
PLEASE TELL ME YOU KNEW THAT.
AND THAT YOU'RE NOT THAT STUPID.
AND THAT YOU WOULDN'T ORGANIZE A PROTEST OVER A MISPAINTED SIGN.
I DID.
I'M NOT.
I WOULDN'T.
GOOD.
GOOD.
SEE YA...BYE.
FIRST, THE GOOD NEWS...

WE HAD TO CANCEL THE ZEBRALIONCROX OLYMPICS. THE GREEKS WEREN'T READY AND THE CROCS KEPT KILLING US.
THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES, DUDE.
YEAH, BUT WHAT A WASTE... WE BOUGHT ALL THOSE MEDALS FOR NOTHING.
GIVE 'EM TO SOME LOSER WHO'LL APPRECIATE 'EM 'CAUSE HE'S TOO LAME TO WIN AWARDS ON HIS OWN.
NOT SO LOUD.

FOLKS, THIS JUST IN... THE REMAINDER OF THE ZEBRALLION/CROC OLYMPICS HAVE BEEN CANCELED. THE OLYMPIC COMMITTEE CITED THE GREEKS' FAILURE TO PROTECT THE ZEBRAS AND THEIR FAILURE TO COMPLETE CONSTRUCTION OF THE FACILITIES.
THE GREEKS, FOR THEIR PART, HAVE DENIED THE ACCUSATIONS... WE GO NOW TO BILL SIMMONS, WHO'S AT THE TRACK AND FIELD FACILITIES WITH SOME OF THE ZEBRAS. UH... WELL, HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE WITH THE ZEBRAS. GET IT, BILL, WHERE ARE THE GREEK ZEBRAS??
CRUSHED BY A BACKHOE, BOB.
WHERE WE COME FROM??
WHO CARE??
TIME FOR CAKE BREAK.
YEP! NO CAKE DO!

WELCOME BACK, FOLKS, TO THE ZEBRA/CROC OLYMPICS. TODAY'S EVENT IS SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING, AND IT LOOKS LIKE OUR FIRST ZEBRA/CROC DUO ARE ALREADY IN THE POOL. HOW'S IT LOOKING, BOB?
YEEESS, PETER, THE PAIRING OF THESE TWO UNLIKELY SPECIES IS UNPRECEDENTED, AND REALLY SHOWS THE ENERGY AND SPIRIT THAT IS THE HALLMARK OF…
AAAAAAAAH!!
CHOMP CHOMP
CHOMP CHOMP
CHOMP CHOMP
CHOMP
... A HUNGRY CROCODILE?
THAT'S GONNA BE A BIIIIIG POINT DEDUCTION, PETER...