Pearls Before Swine | Search

Hullooooooo! Zeeba neighba!
Oh, GREAT... IT'S YOU GUYS... I WISH YOU AND YOUR STUPID CROCODILE FRATERNITY HAD NEVER MOVED IN NEXT DOOR TO ME.
No, zeeba neighba! We is you buddeez! And we see th'rough window dat you gets new couch. So bootiful! We come in, yes?
YOU WANT ME TO LET YOU IN MY HOUSE JUST SO YOU CAN SEE MY NEW COUCH??
Oh... YES... Gud couch!! Gud bootiful couch!! Lookin' bargain you makes!...
IS THERE A REASON YOU NEED A ROPE, A "GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL," AND A GALLON OF BARBECUE SAUCE TO SEE MY COUCH??
... He so smaht, it scawy.

WANT TO GO UP TO THE MOUNTAINS?
FINE, BUT IT'S SNOWING UP THERE, SO WE'LL NEED TO PUT ON CHAINS.
...THIS SEEMS UNNECESSARY.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
DIDN'T YOU HEAR? - HE MET CUPID AT A BAR. TURNS OUT CUPID'S TIRED OF BEING CUPID. SO HE'S HAVING PIG SHOOT HIS LITTLE ARROWS OF LOVE FOR HIM.
DOES PIG KNOW HOW TO DO THAT?
WHAT'S THERE TO KNOW?
TOO HARD.

WHERE IS RAT TODAY?
HE SOLD OUT HIS ENTIRE STOCK OF FLOWERS... I GUESS HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPLOITED THE AVERAGE GUY'S FEAR OF LOOKING CHEAP AND GETTING DUMPED.
WELL, AT LEAST THE FLOWER SHOP IS CLOSED, SO HE WON'T BE ABLE TO CAPITALIZE ON ANY MORE GUYS' INSECURITIES.
A HALF POUND? ...YOU'RE BUYING HER A HALF POUND? ARE YOU TRYING TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AT 'STAR TREK' CONVENTIONS?

HI...I'D LIKE A SINGLE LONG STEM ROSE.
ONE ROSE, HUH? WELL, WITH ONE ROSE, I ALWAYS LIKE TO THROW IN YOUR VERY OWN COPY OF "COPING WITH LONELINESS: ONE CHEAP MAN'S STRUGGLE TO SURVIVE WITHOUT WOMEN"
OH, AND HERE'S A COPY OF THE "VICTORIA'S SECRET" CATALOG, SO YOU'LL BE ABLE TO REMEMBER WHAT WOMEN LOOKED LIKE...
YOU BOUGHT ME A FLORIST SHOP?
NO, NO... A CHAIN OF FLORIST SHOPS.

HI.. I’D LIKE A DOZEN ROSES FOR MY WIFE.
FINE. WE CALL THAT ARRANGEMENT THE “I LOVE MY WIFE, BUT NOT AS MUCH AS MY WALLET” BOUQUET.
WHAT ABOUT TWO DOZEN?
THAT’S THE “I LOVE MY WIFE, BUT WILL NOT BUY MORE THAN THE MINIMUM NEEDED TO AVOID APPEARING CHEAP” BOUQUET.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HONEY.
IS THAT YOU, DEAR?

You know what bugs me? The diamond industry. Where do they get off recommending what percentage of my salary I should spend on their product?
You mean where they say you should spend two months' salary on a diamond?
Yeah... I mean they're not exactly a neutral party. They get that money.
They do it cause it's twofold. No guy wants to look cheap when it comes to giving his girlfriend something.
A good rule of thumb is ten months' salary. Minimum.

YES,
YES IT IS
WELL, HELLO. I'M RAT, THE CREATOR
OF A VERY POPULAR COMIC STRIP
ABOUT A COCKROACH NAMED DICKIE
AND I'D LIKE YOU TO INCLUDE IT
IN YOUR NEWSPAPER.
DICKIE
WELL, DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH,
BUT YOU CAN SEND ME SAMPLES
IF YOU WANT... YOU'VE GOT
TO GET GOING...
BUT SIR SIR SIR...
JUST ONE MORE THING,
IF I COULD...
WHAT??
WELL, I SEE HOW YOU'VE
GIVEN BERK BREATHED
A HALF PAGE FOR HIS
'OPUS' STRIP, BUT I
DO HOPE YOU'RE
GOING TO SAVE
ENOUGH ROOM
FOR MY
COMIC STRIP, TOO.
ARE YOU
KIDDING???
YOU'RE NOT
EVEN IN THE
SAME LEAGUE
AS HE IS...
YOU'RE NO
BERK
BREATHED !
OH, I KNOW, I KNOW...I'VE GOT A LONG WAY TO GO BEFORE I
MATCH THE GREAT MASTER, BUT PLEASE JUST
HEAR ME OUT... I THOUGHT THAT SINCE I'M NOT ON
THE FRONT PAGE OF THE PAPER, THE EDITORIAL
PAGE, THE ARTS PAGE, OR THE SPORTS PAGE,
THE CASHIERING AND

CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
YEAH. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TONIGHT?
WHY YOU ASKIN' ME?
YOU'RE THE WAITER.
WOW... YOU'VE GOT ATTITUDE... GET YOUR OWN D@#& FOOD.
GEE, BOSS... I NEVER KNEW "EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH" CERTIFICATES CAME IN PINK...

EXCUSE ME, BUT WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT YOUR TIP...THE BILL IS $14.00.
OH...WELL, AN EASY RULE OF THUMB IS TO JUST MOVE THE DECIMAL POINT TWO PLACES TO THE RIGHT.
...THAT SEEMS HIGH.
PLEASE, DEAR...HE WAS SO HELPFUL.

CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
YEAH, I'D LIKE THE NEW YORK STEAK...AND I WANT IT RARE.
HOW YOUZE DOIN'?
NOT THAT RARE.
CAN I GET SOME CWAFEEE, MAC??

CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND?
I RECOMMEND YOU GIVE ME YOUR ORDER BEFORE I LOSE MY PATIENCE AND PUSH YOU OVER IN YOUR CHAIR.
...I'M HOPING THAT WON'T AFFECT MY TIP.

HELLO, SIR... CAN I TAKE YOUR— OH... ARE YOU EAT- ING ALONE TONIGHT?
YEAH... WHY?
OH. WELL, WE REQUIRE OUR FRIENDLESS CUST- OMERS TO WEAR THIS SHIRT AND HAT. THE "L" STANDS FOR "LOSER" BUT IT CAN ALSO STAND FOR "LONELY," "LOVELESS," OR "LAUGHABLE."
ARE YOU ***@!!% KIDDING ME??! YOU THINK I'M GONNA WEAR THAT INSULTING %**@!!?
WHAT'S ALL THE COMMOTION ?

THAT RESTAURANT ON FOURTH STREET IS HIRING WAITERS.
YEAH, I HEARD...I GUESS THEY DON'T PAY VERY WELL, SO THEY'RE HAVING TROUBLE FINDING SOMEONE GOOD.
WELL, I HOPE THEY UP THE PAY SCALE BECAUSE I'D HATE TO SEE THAT PLACE RUINED BY BAD SERVICE.
...IF YOU ASK FOR ONE MORE WATER REFILL, I WILL BREAK YOUR @%@*?@# KNEES.

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?
ME AND SOME OF THE PIG BUDDIES ARE GONNA GO TO THE FOOTBALL GAME AND SEE IF WE CAN GET THE T.V. CAMERAS TO SHOW US.
YOU THINK YOUR BIG BRAIN CAN P-R-O-P-O-S-E A COMPLICATED STUNT LIKE THAT?
HAAHAHA..YES..YES I DO.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, MORON...NOW RUN ALONG AND GO FREEZE YOUR LITTLE PIG BUTT OFF.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE OUR CLOTHES ON, IDIOT.
LATER...
WELCOME TO TODAY'S GAME, FANS, WHERE THE LOCAL FANS HAVE TURNED OUT IN FORCE..WHAT DO YOU THINK, BOB?
YEEEES, DAVE, THEY SURE HAVE..IN FACT, IF WE CAN GET THE CAMERAS TO OUR LEFT, YOU WILL SEE SOME ESPECIALLY FERVENT FANS IN SECTION 'H,' WHO ARE USING THEIR CHESTS TO SPELL OUT THE WORDS...
OH, LORD.
BRILLIANT IDEA, BOB.
STUPID @#$%&*! PIGS.
SIR...WE'VE GONE OFF THE F.C.C. CHART.

That's him, officer.
C'mon, pal... you're coming with us.
Good-bye, Pins.
Goodbye, Pig... never have so many owed so much to one pig.
Remember! Always give your best, never get discouraged, never be petty... always remember, others may hate you, but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them.
SMACK!
I can't look.
Is it the cruelty?
The inhumanity?
No, no... it's the seven-ten split.

LISTEN, PIG. WE APPRECIATE YOU'RE TRYING TO PROTECT US, BUT IT'S JUST NO USE. WE'RE BOWLING PINS. WE'RE DOOMED.
OH, PIG. WE'VE LONG SINCE GIVEN UP HOPE OF "FAIR." FOR REASONS WE'LL NEVER TRULY UNDERSTAND, GOD HAS SEEN FIT TO CONSIGN US TO A LIFE OF ENDLESS UPS AND DOWNS, THE PERENNIAL VICTIMS OF THE COLD AND UNFEELING, BEER-DRINKING BOWLING-SHOE-WEARING MASSES...
INCOMING!!!
SIR, YOU CAN'T THROW THREE BOWLING BALLS AT THE SAME TIME.
SORRY, DUDE... DIDN'T KNOW THE RULES.

ERWIN, DID YOU PUT THESE PINS IN THE BACK ALLEY?
NO, BOSS..I'VE BEEN TOO BUSY IN HERE WITH THAT PIG WHO REFUSES TO BOWL. NOW HE'S LYING DOWN IN FRONT OF THE PINS.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? SO NOW NO ONE WILL BOWL IN THAT LANE FOR FEAR OF HURTING THAT STUPID PIG??
WELL, ALMOST NO ONE.
ALRIGHT, NOW...IF I NAIL YOU IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD, WE'RE CALLING IT A SPARE.

THE REVENGE OF THE BOWLING PINS
OKAY GUYS, THAT WAS MY COUSIN TONY ON THE PHONE. THE HIT ON THE NIGHT MANAGER IS GOING DOWN TONIGHT.
HOW THEY GONNA DO IT?
THEY'RE GONNA MEET HIM IN THE BACK ALLEY AS HE GETS INTO HIS CAR... AND THEY'VE GOT NUMBERS. THEY'RE BRINGING AT LEAST TWENTY PINS...
HEH HEH HELL, NO WAY HE'LL GET AWAY FROM THOSE TWENTY PINS. THOSE GUYS ARE FEARLESS ASSASSINS.
PLEASE STOP KICKING US OVER... IT HURTS, AND IT'S EMBARRASSING.
CALL HIM NAMES! SOMEONE CALL HIM NAMES!!

LISTEN, FELLAS, YOU NEED TO SPEED UP YOUR GAME...I GOT PEOPLE WAITING FOR LANES.
THE DUMB PIG WON'T BOWL...HE'S AFRAID HE'LL HURT THE PINS.
LISTEN, SIR...I'M THE NIGHT MANAGER OF THIS BOWLING ALLEY, AND I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THE PINS ARE INANIMATE OBJECTS. THEY FEEL NOTHING. YOU CAN KNOCK THEM DOWN WITHOUT GUILT OR FEAR OF RETRIBUTION.
...ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF PAYING TONY'S COUSIN TO DISCREETLY WHACK THE NIGHT MANAGER, SAY "AYE."
AYE!
AYE!
AYE!

BOWL, YOU STUPID PIG.
I CAN'T... I DON'T WANT TO HURT THEM.
LISTEN, MORON... THEY'RE BOWLING PINS, NOT LIVING THINGS... THEY DON'T THINK... THEY DON'T FEEL PAIN. NOW BOWL, BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD.
HE'S PUNCHING HIM IN THE HEAD.
DO SOMETHING, BOB!
GIMME A BREAK, NADINE... I'VE GOT NO ARMS OR LEGS!
COWARD.

THE DEATH OF GROG PART 1 "Coping with the Death of an Unloved One"
IT'S ONLY BEEN A WEEK, AND ALREADY I'VE FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT HIM.
DON'T SAY THAT. IT'S AWFUL. I'M ACTUALLY TRYING TO EXPAND THIS STRIP.
GUYS! GUYS! STOP YOUR WEEPING. LOOK. SEE THE UPSIDE. WE'VE CLEARED THE BENCH OF YOUR INANE JOKES AND RIPPOFF OF PEARLS BEFORE SWINE RIPPOFFS. NEW BLOOD. NEW IDEAS. YOU NEEDED ME. ADMIT IT. YOU NEEDED ME.
(CRICKETS)
WHAT'S MATTER? DON'T YOU MISS ME? AND FOR YOU STEPHAN, YOU'RE A ONE-HIT WONDER. HOW MANY STRIPS THAT STAND THE TEST OF TIME HAVE YOU WRITTEN?
HELLO, FRIEND.
HI. YOUR BEING GONE HAS MADE US REALIZE THAT IT'S THE CHARACTERS HE WRITES ARE THE FUNNY ONES...
...AND NOT ONLY THAT...WE LOOK BACK AND REALIZE THERE WERE SUBTLE NUANCES TO YOUR STRIPS...LAYERS TO YOUR INANE JOKES, YOU KNOW...YOUR INSULTS, YOUR LOUDMOUTH, POPOMOUS, MALCONTENT...
I'M WHAT? HUH? YOU FORGOTTEN WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO? I'M RAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M PLAYING WITH THESE GRAINS OF RICE. I PRETEND EACH OF THEM IS A DIFFERENT PERSON... RIGHT NOW, WE'RE ALL ABOUT TO CELEBRATE BECAUSE BOBBY RICE HERE JUST MARRIED SUSIE RICE...
.......WHAT'S THE HOLD-UP?
WE HAVE NOTHING TO THROW.

HI THERE, PAL. I'M PIG. I DON'T THINK WE'VE MET.
I'M AL... I'M FROM DENVER. JUST HERE ON A BUSINESS TRIP.
BUSINESS, HUH? WELL, YOU MUST BE DOING A GRRRREAT JOB 'CAUSE YOUR OMELETTES ARE EVERYWHERE!!
WELL, WHADDYA KNOW. I'M LATE FOR MY PLANE.
HEEEY... GOT ANY FREEBIES IN YOUR BRIEFCASE?

WOULD YOU CARE FOR A CUP OF COFFEE?
IF IT NEEDED ME AND NO OTHER FAMILY MEMBER WOULD TAKE IT IN.
...IS THAT A "YES"?!
YES!
SIIIIIIIGH...