Pearls Before Swine | Search

YOU HEARD ME RIGHT, PASTIS. UNTIL YOU START TREATING ME LIKE THE COMIC SUPERSTAR I AM, I WILL CONTINUE TO LOCK MYSELF IN THESE PANELS AND UTTER PUNCHLINES FROM THIS "GREAT BIG BOOK OF 'GARFIELD.'"
YOU CAN'T DO THAT, RAT... YOU'LL DESTROY "PEARLS."
OH, I CAN'T, HUH? WATCH ME.
LISTEN, RAT... I KNOW THAT YOU DEPEND ON THIS STRIP AS MUCH AS I DO... YOU'RE NOT GONNA RISK DESTROYING IT. SO YOUR BLUFFING HAS NO EFFECT ON ME.
I LIVE FOR MY LASAGNA.
HOLY &#@#! ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! LET'S TALK, MAN, LET'S TALK!!

WHAT'S WITH THE LOCKS ON THE PANEL FRAMES?
IT'S TO KEEP PASTIS OUT. WE'RE TAKING THIS STRIP HOSTAGE.
WHY?
BECAUSE RAT IS A COMICS SUPERSTAR AND RAT DEMANDS RESPECT... SO UNTIL PASTIS STARTS COMPENSATING RAT APPROPRIATELY, RAT IS GONNA LOCK HIMSELF IN AND TAKE DOWN THIS ENTIRE STRIP.
BUT HOW?
BEHOLD! THE LAST FOUR YEARS OF "GARFIELD" PUNCHLINES!
THE SECRET OF LIFE IS EATING LASAGNA!
...I HATE MONDAYS.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? ARE YOU INSANE??
YOU'RE INSANE! I REGRET EVER MARRYING YOU, YOU CHEAP, DUMB FAILURE !!!
LOOK FAMILIAR, FOLKS? YOU'RE WITH FRIENDS WHEN SUDDENLY, YOU AND YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER GET IN A BIG, NASTY FIGHT. YOU BOTH FEEL EMBARRASSED... TIRED OF THE EMBARRASSMENT... WE NOW HAVE HELP...
HI. I'M DR. RAT, AUTHOR OF THE BEST-SELLING RELATIONSHIP REPAIR BOOK "LOVE, IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME YELLING, GET OUT NOW BECAUSE I'M NOT CHANGING"... YOU MAY HAVE SEEN MY LECTURES ON RAT TV... WE'RE OFFERING YOU EIGHT FULL HOURS OF OUR VIDEOCASTS FOR JUST $29.99...
AS 97% OF MARITAL FIGHTS BEGIN WITH CONVERSATIONS, WE'VE NOW ADAPTED THE CONVERSATION TO THIS SIMPLE FORMULA... NOW YOU YELL BEFORE THEY YELL... TRUST ME, YOU'LL LOVE THE RESULTS!
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL... BECAUSE SOME CONVERSATIONS YOU JUST CAN'T AVOID, OUR VIDEO WILL TEACH YOU OUR ADAPTATION OF THE AMISH "SILENT TREATMENT", WHICH WILL ENSURE YOUR FIGHTS WILL NEVER USE WORDS OF ANY KIND...
BUT WE'RE STILL NOT DONE! ORDER TODAY AND YOU CAN SAY

Dear Sammy Sosa,
Every time you go out to the field,
you sprint, while all the other
players just walk. This raises
an obvious question.
...ARE YOU IN TROUBLE
WITH THE LAW?
P.S. If so, please send me
an autograph before it's
too late.

EXCUSE ME, BUT WHAT IS THAT YOU'RE HOLDING?
IT'S MY "MALLET O' UNDERSTANDING". IF WE DON'T SEE EYE-TO-EYE, I'M GONNA SMASH YOU.
WELL, IF THAT'S YOUR ATTITUDE, I'LL SMASH YOU BEFORE YOU CAN SMASH ME.
I WOULD NOW LIKE TO QUOTE FROM THE TEACHINGS OF GANDHI.

WELL, LITTLE BUDDY, I’VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS... I NEED TO SMASH YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH MY ‘MALLET OF UNDERSTANDING.’
WHY?... I DIDN’T DO ANY-THING.
I KNOW. BUT ONE DAY YOU MIGHT...AND I CAN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
WELL, GEEZ, IF YOU’RE GONNA DO THAT, MAYBE I SHOULD GET MY OWN MALLET.
THAT WAS CLOSE.

BEHOLD... THE "MALLET O' UNDERSTANDING"... DESIGNED TO HELP ME AMICABLY RESOLVE DISPUTES WITH DUMB PEOPLE.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
IF YOU DISAGREE WITH ME, I SMASH YOU OVER THE HEAD.
WOW... THAT'S GOT NOBEL PRIZE WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.
SNOOTY SARCASM IS NOT PRUDENT.

BEHOLD... THE "MALLET O' UNDERSTANDING"... DESIGNED TO HELP ME AMICABLY RESOLVE DISPUTES WITH THOSE WHO DISAGREE WITH ME.
HOW'S IT WORK?
IF YOU DISAGREE WITH ME, I SMASH YOU OVER THE HEAD.
THAT'S HARDLY AMICABLE.
SMASH
SADLY, YOU WERE UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT.

BEHOLD... I HAVE INVENTED SOMETHING WHICH WILL HELP ME TO RESOLVE DISPUTES WITH DUMB PEOPLE. I CALL IT THE "MALLET O' UNDERSTANDING."
HOW DOES IT WORK?
WHEN PEOPLE ACT DUMB, I SMASH THEM OVER THE HEAD.
HOW DOES THAT PROMOTE UNDERSTANDING?
FRANKLY, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT THAT FAR AHEAD.

THIS IS MY NEW FRIEND,
FROLO, THE COMEBACK
CLOWN.
FROLO REBOUNDS
FROM EVERYTHING.
BAD TIMES. SETBACKS.
DISAPPOINTMENTS.
FROLO ALWAYS
POPS BACK UP.
FROLO HERE PROVES THAT
NO MATTER WHAT LIFE THROWS
YOUR WAY, YOU CAN ALWAYS
BOUNCE BACK WITH A LITTLE
LUCK, A GOOD ATTITUDE
AND A BIG SMILE.
FOOOOOOSHHHH
YOUR THEORY
HAS HOLES.

WE GOT A PROBLEM, GOAT...
PASTIS LAUNCHED PIG INTO
ORBIT IN THE LAST STRIP,
AND HE CAN'T THINK OF A
CLEVER, LOGICAL WAY TO
GET HIM BACK.
DON'T WORRY, RAT... PASTIS
IS A SMART GUY... I'M SURE HE'LL
FIGURE OUT SOMETHING CREATIVE
INVOLVING SPACE TRAVEL OR
ALIEN LIFE WHERE PIG GETS
RETURNED TO EARTH IN SOME
ELABORATE, INSIGHTFUL WAY.
DID YOU
HEAR
SOMETHING?

* Klodski, you are back...Did you find good, cheap pork?
** Yes, I - Holy Trotsky! ... I lost him!
* Lost him? Didn't you explain to him when he jumped into the hole that he needed to slow down as soon as he saw daylight, or else he would risk blowing right through the other side of the earth?!
* Please, woman...Even a stupid pig would know that.
NUTS.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING, PIG?
I'M GOING BACK TO KUKISTAN WITH MY NEW KUKISTANI FRIEND...I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE KUKISTANI CULTURE UP CLOSE.

*The only thing you will see up close is the inside of a frying pan, you big, fat succulent pig.
I HOPE THE LANGUAGE ISN'T A PROBLEM.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME...
YOU'RE FROM KUKISTAN AND YOU
TRAVELED HERE THROUGH A HOLE
PIG DUG IN OUR BACKYARD??
* I am Klodski, from the Kirkhuk
province of Kukistan. I am looking
for cheap pork to feed my large family.
The fat one behind you looks delicious.
I THINK
HE LIKES
US.

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE TRYING TO DIG A HOLE TO KUKISTAN.
I WANT TO MAKE IT EASY FOR ALL THOSE NICE KUKISTANI PEOPLE TO COME VISIT US.
YOU STUPID PIG! THAT'S THOUSANDS OF MILES STRAIGHT THROUGH THE EARTH’S MOLTEN CORE… DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD THAT WOULD BE??
GF26*
* Tell me about it.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DIGGING A HOLE TO KUKISTAN.
THERE'S NO SUCH COUNTRY.
I KNOW. SEE, WHEN STEPHAN ORIGINALLY DREW THIS WEEK'S STRIPS, HE NAMED AN ACTUAL COUNTRY, BUT HIS EDITORS TOLD HIM THAT IF HE DID THAT, THE FOLKS FROM THAT COUNTRY WOULD GET MAD AND COMPLAIN, SO HE HAD TO ALTER ALL OF THE STRIPS ON THE COMPUTER.
ON A POSITIVE NOTE, THE ORIGINALS SHOULD BE WORTH A BUNDLE.

THIS IS MY NEPHEW
STEPHAN.
I HATE HIM.
LAST TUESDAY, THE KID BY HIMSELF ASKED IF I WAS ALL RIGHT. SO IN THE STORE WITH HIM, I SAID, "DO YOU HATE HOW THE 'PEARLS' BOOKS 'I SCREWED UP' AND 'FAILING IN LOVEBWITH FEBRUARY,'...ARE YOU EMBARRASSED THAT THEY'RE WRITTEN BY ME?"
AND SO THERE HE WAS...SLACK JAWED AND SURPRISED. HE BURST OUT, "YES. YES! I SCREWED UP ROYALLY. 'THE PRINCESS SENSE' IS THE QUEEN OF THE LAND. THE QUEEN OF MY BIRTHDAY, MAYBE..."
...IS A BOOK WHERE THE FIRST THING HE DID WAS TO A YOUNG LAD, AND I QUOTE, "WHY NOT COVER HALF-THE-BOOK WITH MY FACE ON MY BEACH?" THEN HE UTTERED, "I... ALWAYS WANT TO DRAW HIM IN HERE."
RIGHT AFTER THE NEXT THING HE GRABBED AND NEVER LET GO WAS AN ENVELOPE UPON EACH OF THE BOOKS.
THE JUDGE-LIKE-PEOPLE OF GAGA AND COMPANY HAD FINALLY SIGNED THEIR NAMES ON THE CHECK WITH THE FIRST SENTENCE ABOUT THE TREATY OF SAINT-MAUR-DES-FOSSES.
AS WE WERE HEADING TO THE CAR

GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR... CAN I INTEREST YOU IN OUR BUFFALO WINGS?
I DIDN'T KNOW BUFFALO COULD FLY.
BUFFALO CAN'T FLY.
WELL, OF COURSE BUFFALO CAN'T FLY. YOU TOOK THEIR WINGS.
THEY NEVER HAD WINGS.
THAT WON'T FLY.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE WHAT I FOUND AT THE STORE TODAY. IT'S THIS METAL THING THAT YOU RUB CHEESE AGAINST AND WHAMMO! YOU HAVE GRATED CHEESE.
THAT'S CALLED A CHEESE GRATER.
WOW. WORD TRAVELS FAST.

I HAVE DETERMINED THAT DUMB PEOPLE ARE THE CAUSE OF ALL OUR PROBLEMS. THUS, I AM SHOOTING THEM WITH THIS TRANQUILIZER GUN AND TAGGING THEM.
WHAT WILL THAT DO?
WELL, SEE, THE PROBLEM IS NOT THAT THERE ARE DUMB PEOPLE… IT'S THAT WE DON'T ALWAYS KNOW WHO THEY ARE. BUT ONCE THEY'RE TAGGED, YOU KNOW, AND YOU CAN AVOID THEM.
HOW WILL YOU MARK THEM?
…AND WHEN I WOKE UP, I WAS WEARING THIS GREAT, NEW "I LOVE YANNI" T-SHIRT!
ME, TOO!
ME, TOO!

I WISH THIS ACTOR WOULD MAKE MORE MOVIES.
HE CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
HE'S SIX FEET UNDER.
WE CAN'T ALL BE TALL.

THEY SAY THAT THE TEST FOR WHETHER YOU ARE LEADING A FULFILLING LIFE IS TO ASK YOURSELF: IF TODAY WERE THE LAST DAY OF YOUR LIFE, IS THIS WHAT YOU'D BE DOING?
THIS SURE ISN'T WHAT I'D BE DOING.
WHAT WOULD YOU BE DOING?
I'D BE CRYING.
NEVER MIND.

ARE YOU TWO WAITING FOR A TABLE?
YES... AND WE ONLY WANT THE BEST... SO HERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOUR TROUBLE.
...NEXT TIME, I'M KEEPING MY QUARTER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDER THE TABLE, PIG?
OH... JUST SPENDING TIME WITH THE COCKROACHES... THEY'RE MY FRIENDS.
COCKROACHES? WE HAVE COCKROACHES LOOSE IN OUR KITCHEN??
OH, NO, SILLY. THEY'RE NOT LOOSE. I GOT THEM A HOME.
YOU GOT THE ROACHES A HOME?
YEAH. THEY REALLY NEEDED A PLACE TO CALL THEIR OWN... SO I BOUGHT THEM ONE...
WHERE THE @#&% DO YOU BUY ACCOMMODATIONS FOR A COCKROACH?
AT THE GROCERY STORE... I SWEAR... I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER UNTIL I READ THE SIDE OF THE BOX... IT WAS IN BLACK AND WHITE...
"ROACH MOTEL."
... I THINK THEY'RE SLEEPING IN.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HE WENT TO THE SCAVENGER HUNT THAT PROFESSOR BOB PUT TOGETHER.
WHO'S PROFESSOR BOB?
HE'S THAT GUY WHO TEACHES PHILOSOPHY AT THE UNIVERSITY.
...I FOUND THE PAPER CLIP AND THE CROQUET MALLET, BUT I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH 'TRUTH' AND 'BEAUTY.'