Pearls Before Swine | Search

JOE'S HANDYMAN SERVICE... JOE SPEAKING.
YEAH, HI... I HAVE A DOGGY DOOR IN MY BACKDOOR THAT THE PREVIOUS OWNER HAD INSTALLED AND I'D LIKE TO GET RID OF IT.
WELL... GENERALLY, THAT MEANS YOU'RE LOOKING AT A WHOLE NEW DOOR, AND THAT CAN RUN YOU ANYWHERE FROM SIX TO EIGHT HUNDRED BUCKS.
IT'S WORTH EVERY PENNY.
PUSH, JOJO, PUUUSH!
ME GEEVE UP NOW, TED... YOU BUTT JUST WAY TOO BEEG.

HEY, LOOK, RAT... IT'S PETEY SPIDER!
HIYA, RAT! HIYA, PIG!
I WANT YOU TO MEET
SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL
TO ME... THIS IS LAVERNA.
LAVERNA IS THE LOVE
OF MY LIFE... MY
SOUL MATE... AND WE'RE
GETTING MARRIED!!
YO, DUDE. YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S
A BLACK WIDOW. AFTER
YOU MATE, SHE'LL KILL YOU.
THEN SHE'LL EAT YOU.
I MEANT TO SAY
SOMETHING.

THIS JUST IN FROM OUR COLLEAGUE, GOAT... THE INTERNET HAS USES OTHER THAN LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF HOT WOMEN.
DETAILS AS EVENTS WARRANT.

LOOK AT THIS... THE MOST POPULAR SEARCHES
ON "GOOGLE" IN 2004 WERE "BRITNEY
SPEARS," "PARIS HILTON," AND "CHRISTINA
AGUILERA." SO HERE WE HAVE THE MOST
POWERFUL INFORMATION TOOL IN MANKIND'S
HISTORY, AND WHAT DO WE USE IT FOR?...
LOOKING UP PICTURES OF HOT WOMEN.
WOOHOO!
I MEAN... HOW DISTURBING.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
IT'S A BOOK ABOUT THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY.
AHHH... NO. NO. THE 1600s.
NO. THAT'S THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY.
NO, PIG. THAT'S THE 1600S.
NO, MORON... YEARS BEGINNING WITH SIXTEEN CANNOT BE THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY... YEARS BEGINNING WITH SEVENTEEN ...
HA! YOU FOOL! I THINK YOU SHOULD RUN IN A LOGICAL CONUNDRUM AND NOT MAKE YOU FOR YOUR NOOD...
OUCH... WORD BAD...
IF THE YEARS 1600 TO 1699 WERE IN THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY, AND A CENTURY HAS ONLY 100 YEARS, THERE'D BE NO ROOM LEFT FOR THE YEARS 1517 TO 1599, THEY'D CEASE TO EXIST, AND EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED DURING THOSE YEARS WOULD BE GONE! MY GOD, THERE'D BE NO....NO...
YOU... YOU... ARE... THE... BIGGEST...
B... B... B... BWAH... BWAH...
WHERE... WHERE... MY... MY... MY...
EURLRRWHUUHK!!!
BLOI...
ICK... ICK... ICK!!!
POOR GUY HAS TROUBLE ADMITTING MISTAKES.
NO NO NO ... NO ...
HULA HOOP?

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR ?
YES. I'M LOOKING FOR A GUN... MY NEIGHBOR IS REALLY ANNOYING ME AND I JUST WANT TO POP HIM IN THE REAR A COUPLE OF TIMES.
...THESE NEW GUN LAWS ARE WAY TOO RESTRICTIVE.

HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON A WALL.
HUMPTY DUMPTY HAD A GREAT FALL..
ALL THE KINGS' HORSES
AND ALL THE KINGS' MEN
COULDN'T PUT HUMPTY TOGETHER AGAIN."
"SCRAMBLED OR OMELETTE WAS THE CHOICE.
"I LOVE THE TASTE," YELLED SOMEBODY'S VOICE.
"HIS DEATH WAS NOT KIND,"
CRIED ONE OF THE MEN,
"BUT I'D SMASH THAT EGG ALL OVER AGAIN."
THE UNKNOWN SECOND VERSE.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, I'M PIG, FOUNDER OF 'PIGS FOR FIGS,' A NON-PROFIT GROUP DEDICATED TO THE PROTECTION AND SUPPORT OF FIGS AND THEIR CULTURE... CARE TO SPONSOR AN UNDERPRIVILEGED FIG ?
CHOMP
CHOMP
MUNCH
MUNCH
CHOMP
I BELIEVE THIS VIOLATES OUR MISSION STATEMENT.

LOOK AT THIS... I JUST BOUGHT A
HAMMER AND THE STUPID THING HAS
A WARNING LABEL THAT SAYS "STRIKING
YOURSELF IN THE HEAD COULD CAUSE
SERIOUS INJURY OR EVEN DEATH."
HAVE WE REALLY REACHED SUCH A
POINT IN OUR COUNTRY THAT WE
NOW MUST BE WARNED ABOUT THE
DANGERS OF STRIKING OURSELVES
IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER?
Wait wait wait...Frank, look,

DID YOU KNOW THAT OUR GALAXY AND THE ANDROMEDA GALAXY ARE MOVING TOWARD EACH OTHER AT A SPEED OF 320,000 MILES PER HOUR AND WILL COLLIDE IN ABOUT THREE BILLION YEARS?
HOPE YOU DIDN'T TELL PIG.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH TELLING PIG?
SOMETIMES HE HAS TROUBLE CONCEPTUALIZING BIG NUMBERS.
I LOVED YOU ALL.

DO YOU THINK IT'S ETHICALLY WRONG TO ATTACH SAILS TO THE BACKS OF DUMB GUYS AND SEND THEM FLOATING OFF TO OTHER TOWNS?
OF COURSE IT'S WRONG... YOU ARE NOT THE ARBITER OF WHO IS SMART AND WHO IS DUMB.
I'M FLYYYYIN. I'M FLYYYYIN..
OH, SURE... BLAME ME.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
RAT, PIG AND I MET WITH OUR STRIP'S CREATOR, STEPHAN PASTIS.
WHAT FOR?
STEPHAN'S UPSET THAT MOST ANIMATED CARTOONS MAKE SO MUCH LICENSEING MONEY WHILE THE AVERAGE COMIC STRIP MAKES NOTHING.
SO WHAT'S HE DOING ABOUT IT?
HE'S MADE A FEW CHANGES TO RAT AND PIG'S CHARACTERS TO MAKE THEM A LITTLE MORE 'MARKETABLE.'
CHANGES? ... OH, GEEZ. HOW ARE THEY REACTING?
WELL, I THINK PIG'S ADAPTING A LITTLE BETTER THAN RAT.
WHOOOOO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA --
I... DO... NOT... CARE
ABSORBENT AND YELLOW AND POROUS IS HE!
LEAVE... ME... ALONE...

MY LIFE IS ALL SCREWED UP... I THINK I'LL BECOME A PSYCHIATRIST.
IF YOUR LIFE IS ALL SCREWED UP, SHOULDN'T YOU SEE A PSYCHIATRIST?
OH, NO. YOU ONLY SEE A PSYCHIATRIST IF YOUR LIFE IS A LITTLE SCREWED UP. IF YOUR LIFE IS REALLY REALLY SCREWED UP, YOU BECOME A PSYCHIATRIST.
OH...
...I'M NOT VERY SMART, AM I?
GEEZ, DUDE... WHERE'D YOU THINK PSYCHIATRISTS CAME FROM?...

LOOK AT THIS, RAT... I HEARD THAT IF YOU BUY A FISH TANK AND SOME FISH, IT'S REALLY RELAXING TO JUST SIT AND WATCH THEM.
WELL, WHERE ARE THE FISH, MORON?
...THEY DON'T DO MUCH.

HullooOoo, zeebra neighba...leesten...We crockydiles get pet hamstas to show you we can be loveeng caretayahs of udder aneemals...Een fact, we get whole box of hamstas...Show them, Bob...
CHOMP
CHOMP
CHOMP
GULP
CHOMP
CHOMP
GULP
Bob a leetle unclear on concept.

FROM NOW ON, I'M GOING TO TRY TO BE HUMBLE. I WILL NO LONGER BE ARROGANT AND I WILL NO LONGER BE RUDELY DISMISSIVE OF OTHERS...
...IS THAT SO?
YES. FROM NOW ON, I SHALL BE... "A MAN OF THE LITTLE PEOPLE"!!
...IT'S "PEOPLE," NOT "LITTLE PEOPLE."
BLAH BLAH BLAH... WHATEVER.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT THERE ARE 350,000 PEOPLE BORN EVERY DAY?
AWW... THAT'S NIICE.
I LOVE LITTLE BABIES.
NO, YOU MORON. IT'S TERRIBLE. IT MEANS THAT IN JUST ONE DAY, THE WORLD PRODUCES 350,000 MORE PEOPLE WHO WILL ONE DAY BE FIGHTING ME FOR THAT LAST PARKING SPOT AT THE MALL.
OH, GEE... WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, IT IS SCARY.
ISN'T IT?
OH, YEAH. I MEAN, THINK OF ALL THOSE ANGRY BABIES WHO CAN'T EVEN FIND THE BRAKE PEDAL.
OKAY. LET'S STOP TALKING NOW.
IT'S ON THE LEFT, LITTLE GUY!!
IT'S ON THE LEEEFT!!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M TASTING A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT WINES, AND IN BETWEEN I'M MAKING SURE TO CLEANSE MY PILOT.
THE WORD IS 'PALATE', NOT 'PILOT.'
YOU SURE?
I'M SURE.
YOU CAN GO HOME NOW, LARRY.

I FEEL VERY WELL INFORMED ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE EVERY DAY I READ THE WEB LOGS OF INFORMATIONAL TOTAL STRANGERS.
I WATCH THE MOST INTIMATE SCENES FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES.
I KNOW WHAT QUENTIN TARANTINO EATS FOR BREAKFAST AND WHAT UMA THURMAN EATS FOR LUNCH.
ISN'T IT GREAT TO LIVE IN AN INFORMATION AGE WHERE EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYONE IS IMMEDIATELY KNOWN?
HEY, RAT.. HEY, PIG..
HEY! YOU... YOU... MAN... PERSON...
...GUY... YOU...
BOB.. NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR FOR ELEVEN YEARS.
OHHHHH... THE MORON WITH THE BARKING DOG.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I READ THIS ARTICLE ON THE POSITIVE HEALTH EFFECTS OF SPRINKLING THYME ON YOUR FOOD... SO I BORROWED A BOTTLE OF IT FROM OUR NEIGHBOR.
BUT YOU'RE USING WAY TOO MUCH.
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH. IN FACT, IT'S PRACTICALLY ALL I EAT NOW..!
BUT THAT'S CRAZY. YOU'RE JUST ... YOU'RE JUST ...
... LIVING ON BORROWED THYME.
THIS COMIC STRIP HAS NO SHAME.

OKAY, YOU BEASTS. I JUST FOUND AN ANTELOPE SKULL IN MY BACKYARD AND I WANT TO KNOW WHO THREW IT THERE.
Probably Home Depot guy... they do dat kinda stuff all da time.
LISTEN, GUYS... HOME DEPOT DOES NOT RANDOMLY TOSS ANTELOPE SKULLS INTO PEOPLE'S YARDS. WHERE WOULD THEY EVEN GET AN ANTELOPE SKULL?
Oh no... Mebbe dey steal from secret stash of captered prey we hide een unlocked garden shed so zebra no can find dem.
...What you know? He find.

HI THERE, SIR. I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET.
HI.. I’M TIM. I’M FROM MISSOURI.
MISSOURI, HUH ? WELL, DOWN YOU GO! ...
...MISSOURI'S THE 'SHOW ME' STATE...
NOT THE 'SHOVE ME' STATE.
SORRY.

AWW... ISN'T THAT SWEET...
A CUTE LI'L SQUIRREL...
I'LL FEED HIM SOME PEANUTS.
THEN A MIGHTY ANGEL PICKED UP A BOULDER THE SIZE OF A LARGE MILLSTONE AND THREW IT INTO THE SEA, AND SAID, "WITH SUCH VIOLENCE THE GREAT CITY OF BABYLON WILL BE THROWN DOWN."
PLEASE DON'T FEED THE APOCALYPTIC SQUIRRELS
WHO KNEW?
SORRY, DUDE. DIDN'T KNOW.
WOE! WOE O' GREAT CITY!
GO AWAY,
LITTLE APOCALYPTIC SQUIRREL... GO AWAY.

...AND SO, RAT AND PIG...THIS IS MY DEN. IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT?
WOW, DUDE, LOOK AT THOSE HUGE ANTLERS...THAT IS IMPRESSIVE.
YEAH, NEIGHBOR TED...THAT IS IMPRESSIVE...WHAT'S IN THE OTHER ROOM?
IT'S NOT AS IMPRESSIVE.

I'M HUNGRY. I'LL COOK THE EGGS AND YOU COOK THE BACON.
HEEEEY... "HAPPY FARMS BACON... EXPIRATION 9/26/05." THIS MUST BE JOSH AND BEN.
WHO ARE JOSH AND BEN?
THEY'RE MY COUSINS. WELL, WERE MY COUSINS. UNTIL THEY BECAME... THIS.
PLEASE DON'T PUT ME ON A FIRST NAME BASIS WITH MY BREAKFAST.
WHOA... AND THERE'S UNCLE MIKE... NO WONDER HE STOPPED CALLING.