Pearls Before Swine | Search

Okay, zeeba neighba... Leesten... Dis is beloved wife... Me and her marriage on rocks... Why on rocks?... Because she lose all respekk for me when she see me no can catch you.
Ohhh, Larry... Dat not true.
Reelly? Reelly...?
Ohhh, Frieda... Reelly?
...Me NEVAH respekk you.
Dis not good time, Frieda.

HEY, RAT…LISTEN, DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT I THINK YOUR COLLECTION OF BOOKS IN THE BATHROOM HAS GROWN OUT OF HAND…COULD I GET RID OF A FEW?
LISTEN, MORON…READING ON THE JOHN IS ONE OF LIFE'S GREAT PLEASURES, YOU WILL NOT TOUCH A SINGLE BOOK, AND YOU WILL NOT CALL MY COLLECTION "OUT OF HAND."
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
DON'T APOLOGIZE TO ME…APOLOGIZE TO GLADYS, WHOSE VERY LIVELIHOOD YOU CASUALLY THREATENED.
I'M SORRY, GLADYS.
SHHHHH!!!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY BOTHERS ME? THAT AFTER ALL THE SACRIFICES BILL WATTERSON MADE TO KEEP HIS “CALVIN AND HOBBES” CHARACTERS FROM BEING MASS-MARKETED, THERE ARE ALL THESE IDIOTS OUT THERE SELLING TONS OF ILLEGAL CAR DECALS OF CALVIN PEEING ON THINGS.
GOSH...THAT MAKES ME SAD...I LOVED CALVIN.
IT IS SAD, PIG. IT SHOWS NO RESPECT FOR THE COMIC OR ITS CREATOR.
THEN WHY ARE THERE LOTS OF THEM DOING IT NOW?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO DECENCY.
DO YOU REALLY THINK PEOPLE BUYING THOSE CARE THAT MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE ARE WILLING TO SELL OUT THE WORK OF A COMIC STRIP CREATOR TO SELL A DECAL OF A COMIC STRIP CHARACTER DOING SOMETHING INAPPROPRIATE LIKE THAT?
DO I THINK? I KNOW...LOOK AROUND YOU...THOSE DECALS ARE EVERYWHERE...THEY JUST MAKE ME SICK...IT’S DISGUSTING....
IT’S...IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
HEY! I KNOW HIM!

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, GOAT?
SOME HUNTING SHOW. THEY’RE SHOOTING PHEASANTS.
OH, THAT’S AWFUL. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS POOR IS NO REASON TO SHOOT THEM.
‘PHEASANTS’, NOT ‘PEASANTS’.
OH.... DO PHEASANTS HAVE MORE MONEY?

DID YOU HEAR THAT RAT JOINED GREENPEACE?
GREENPEACE? THOSE ARE THE GUYS WHO GO OUT IN RAFTS TO SAVE THE WHALES.
YOU SURE THAT'S WHAT THEY DO?
OF COURSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DO... WHAT'S RAT THINK THEY DO?
... WE NEED TO TALK.

MAN IS BORN TO LIVE, TO SUFFER, AND TO DIE.
YAAAAAY!!
...WE'VE ALWAYS GOT 'THE WAVE.'

HEY, BUDDY... SPARE SOME CHANGE? I'M JUST TRYING TO BUY A SANDWICH.
C'MON, MAN... PLEASE... HELP A BROTHER OUT...
BUM KNEE.

HEY, ZEBRA... I THINK YOU'RE GETTING A FAX...
WHO'S IT FROM, RAT?
I DON'T KNOW... IT LOOKS LIKE SOME SORT OF THREAT FROM SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO THEY ARE.
WAIT WAIT WAIT... IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S A SECOND PAGE... IT'S A... A... CLAW PRINT??
HAND STUCK!! HAND STUCK!! HAND STUCK!!
AAHHH!!

LET'S PLAY CHESS.
HOW DO YOU PLAY?
YOU WEAR THIS HANDKERCHIEF OVER YOUR EYES AND TRY TO CAPTURE THE OTHER PLAYER'S KING.
DO YOU WEAR ONE, TOO?
THAT'S VERY HURTFUL, PIG... OF COURSE I WEAR ONE... PLEASE APOLOGIZE FOR IMPLYING I WOULD CHEAT.
I'M SORRY, RAT... YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND AND I TRUST YOU.
...CHECKMATE.
GOOD GAME, BUDDY.

okay, zeeba neighba... me tired of your games, so me hire sophisticated lawyer. he write opening statement for me. peese shut mounf, leesten.
ahem... gud evenengs, people of da world. chapter nine, scene two, psalm sixteen of united state constelution say thees and me a quote--ees okay me keel you.
me rest case.
listen, i didn't mean to embarrass you or your attorney, but i can assure you that those words are not in the constitution. if you really want to debate this, i suggest you and your lawyer try to formulate a slightly more forceful opening statement.
yo mama fat as house.

SOMETIMES I GET "ROAD RAGE" SO BAD, IT'S SCARY.
YOU DON'T OWN A CAR.
I TOLD YOU IT WAS SCARY.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
I WAS REMOVING ALL THE MIRRORS IN OUR HOUSE. I FIGURE IF I CAN GO THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT SEEING MYSELF, I WON'T KNOW HOW UGLY I AM.
GEE, PIG...THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE EXTREME...HAVE YOU TOLD RAT ABOUT THIS?
YEAH...AND HE SEEMED TO UNDERSTAND...FOR ONCE, I THINK HE'S REALLY GONNA HELP ME.
GREETINGS FROM REFLECTO-MAN.

AS YOUR CAREER COUNSELOR, I'D ADVISE YOU TO GET YOUR MASTER'S DEGREE.
WELL, THANK YOU, MR. RAT. I--
YO, DAWG. I FOUND THE HEAD.
EXCELLENT, BRO.
EXCUSE ME, SIR WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF...
OHHHH GAAAWAD.!!!!
MY RÉSUMÉ!! MY RÉSUMÉ!!!
...AND I WAS LIKE, "YO, DUDE, JUST PRINT MORE," AND HE WAS LIKE, "DUUUUDE, THIS PAPER'S EXPENSIVE."
DESPERADO BRA!!!

WELCOME TO RAT'S CAREER COUNSELING, MA'AM... GO AHEAD AND PUT YOUR PURSE DOWN OVER THERE IF YOU'D LIKE...
I'M SORRY, MR. RAT, BUT I'M
NOT GONNA PUT MY PURSE DOWN...
C'MON, LADY, IT'S CLEAN IN HERE.
NO, IT'S NOT... IT'S GROSS...
IT IS NOT GROSS... PUT IT DOWN.
LEGGO OF MY PURSE, YOU IDIOT.
YOU LEGGO!!
YOU LEGGO!!
...AS YOUR CAREER COUNSELOR, I ADVISE YOU TO GET A NEW PURSE.

I HEAR RAT STARTED WORKING AS A CAREER COUNSELOR.
YEAH, BUT HE HAD TROUBLE FINDING OFFICE SPACE, SO HE HAD TO RENT A PORTA-POTTY.
YOU CAN'T WORK IN A PORTA-POTTY.
THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HIM, BUT HE SAID IT ACTUALLY HELPED TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION WITH HIS CLIENTS.
...AND NOW FOR A VISUAL DEMONSTRATION OF WHERE YOUR CAREER IS GOING.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE'S BEEN WANTING TO GO OUT AND START WORKING AS A CAREER COUNSELOR, BUT HE HAD TROUBLE FINDING AFFORDABLE OFFICE SPACE.
SO DID HE FINALLY FIND SOMETHING?
YEAH. HE SAYS IT'S A LITTLE CRAMPED, BUT APPARENTLY, THE RENT IS CHEAP.

Hullo, zeeba neighba...beesten...
We cwockydiles get new job.
Be stand-up comic. You like.
Yes. Gud day. Uh. Hey, Larry friend...Why Zeeba no able to drink water from watering
hole ?
Peese tell me, Bob!
Because me tear off head!!!
...ba DUM bum...KSSHHH.
Peese duvive home safewee.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THAT BOX?
THE WORLD APPEARS TO BE ENDING, SO WE'RE DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
SITTING IN A BOX GETTING DRUNK FROM A BEER HAT IS HARDLY "DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT"... GET OUT THERE AND MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
...AWW, WHO AM I KIDDING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
AFTER WATCHING ENOUGH NEWS, I'VE CONCLUDED THAT WE'RE ALL DOOMED. THUS, THE ONLY SANE RESPONSE IS TO SIT IN A BOX AND DRINK BEER FROM A HAT.
BUT THAT DOESN'T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.
DO YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA?
...MMMMMMM...BEEEEER...

THERE'S A BAND OF GYPSIES WAITING AT THE FRONT DOOR. THEY SAY THEY'RE HERE TO BUY A PIG. DID YOU SELL ME?
I'M AFRAID SO.
WHY WOULD YOU SELL YOUR BEST FRIEND?
BECAUSE I NEEDED THE MONEY TO BUY A NEW IPOD.
YOU SOLD ME SO YOU COULD BUY A PORTABLE MUSIC PLAYER?
YEAH, BUT DUDE, IT STORES LIKE 15,000 SONGS. AND BESIDES, GYPSIES LOVE TO KEEP PIGS AS PETS, SO I'M SURE THEY'LL PROVIDE YOU WITH A NICE, LOVING HOME.
Charcoal getting cold.
What you want? Me barge in living room?

I THINK I’D BE MUCH MORE LIKELY TO BE RELIGIOUS IF IT WASN’T FOR ALL THAT “LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR” STUFF.
AND WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE I HATE MY NEIGHBORS. THEY HAVE BARKING DOGS AND CAR ALARMS AND SOMETIMES THEY EVEN TRY TO TALK TO ME.
YOUR SOUL’S SO DARK IT SMUDGES MINE.
HEY… MAYBE I COULD LOVE YOUR NEIGHBORS… I NEVER HAVE TO SEE THEM.

HEY!... IT'S JIMMY AND JOHANIE YO-YO... HOW YOU GUYS DOIN'?
NOT NOW, PIG. JIM AND I ARE SPLITTING UP. I'M TIRED OF BEING MARRIED TO THIS YO-YO.
OH, YEAH... LIKE YOU'RE A REAL PRIZE. YOU KNOW, I'D LOVE A DIVORCE... I DON'T NEED YOU... THROW ME DOWN ON THE FLOOR, PIG... I DON'T NEED TO BE WITH A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T WANT ME...
TAKE A GOOD LOOK, JOAN... 'CAUSE YOU'LL NEVER SEE THIS YO-YO AGAIN.
WELL, WELL, WELL... LOOKS WHO'S BACK.
THIS IS AWKWARD.

Duuude... I think I overdid it on the coffee this morning... I'm getting bad tremors.
Well, you know, Rat, caffeine's a drug... and you shouldn't turn to drugs. Turn to art, instead!
Why just yesterday, I spent eleven hours doing this "etch-a-sketch" portrait of my poor, sick Aunt Susie. She died this morning and now it's the last image I'll ever have of her. Here... have a look.
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE
...I think there's a problem.

YES," SAID THE FAN, "TONIGHT'S PUNCH BOB NIGHT! YEAH, IF THE LAKERS SCORE 100 POINTS, WE ALL GET TO PUNCH BOB IN THE HEAD!"
"I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET," SAID BOB.
"I WILL GO TO A BASKETBALL GAME," SAID BOB. "PERHAPS THEY WILL HAVE ONE OF THOSE PROMOTIONS WHERE EACH FAN GETS A FREE TACO IF THEIR TEAM SCORES 100 POINTS. A FREE TACO WOULD IMPROVE MY MOOD."
BOB WENT TO A MAVERICKS/LAKERS GAME. HE BOUGHT A HOT DOG AND SAT QUIETLY IN HIS PURPLE SEAT.
"EXCUSE ME," BOB SAID, TURNING TO THE FAN ON HIS RIGHT, "DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW WHAT TONIGHT'S PROMOTION IS IF THE LAKERS SCORE 100 POINTS?"
"YES," SAID THE FAN, "TONIGHT'S PUNCH BOB IN THE HEAD NIGHT. IF THE LAKERS SCORE 100 POINTS, WE ALL GET TO PUNCH BOB IN THE HEAD."
"YOU KNEW THAT WHEN YOU CAME?" SAID THE FAN.

"YES," SAID BOB.
"BOB," SAID BOB, "IS HAPPY."
BOB TOOK A SIP OF HIS SODA.
AS THE FANS AROUND HIM CHEERED

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? IT'S PETE, THE PRAYING MANTIS.
NO. NOT ANYMORE, PIG.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, PETE?
THE PRAYER. FOR YEARS, I ASKED GOD TO STOP THE ARROGANCE AND STUPIDITY THAT FUELS MAN'S INHUMANITY TO MAN. BUT DID IT HAPPEN? NO. THE ARROGANCE AND STUPIDITY HAVE THRIVED, AS THOUGH I NEVER PRAYED.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I'M JUST A MANTIS NOW.