Pearls Before Swine | Search

HulloOOOO, zeeba neighba... Leesten! Today beeg day fo'h crockydiles... Ees "Marshnall Keel-A-Zeeba Day"...
No press has bad news foh you, but dat ees way cookie crumble.
Well, that's odd, because my calendar says it's "All-Crocodiles-Are-Uncivilized-Neanderthals-Who-Could-Lose-To-A-Waffle-Iron-In-Trivial-Pursuit-And-Should-Therefore-Starve-To-Death-Day"...
I guess we have a conflict...
Me bet his calenda'h no reelly say dat.

DO YOU EVER THINK THAT THE WORLD LEADERS YOU THINK ARE IN CHARGE AREN'T REALLY IN CHARGE AND THAT THE WORLD IS ACTUALLY CONTROLLED BY SOMEONE ELSE? SOME ALL-POWERFUL BEING WHO OPERATES BEHIND THE SCENES AND SECRETLY MANIPULATES EVERYTHING?
I THINK IT'S CHER.
YOU AND I COULD HAVE A MUCH MORE INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION IF YOU'D JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
FORGIVE HIM, CHER... HE KNOWETH NOTETH WHAT HE SAYETH...

HEY, WHERE YOU TAKING ME?
I'M PUTTING YOU WITH THE REST OF THE "NO REPROS"...HERE THEY ARE. YOU ARE SO STUPID THAT I'M NO LONGER ALLOWING THEM TO REPRODUCE.
YEAH, I'M CONCEITED. AFTER I GET MONEY OUT OF AN A.T.M., I USE THE LITTLE A.T.M. SHELF TO ORGANIZE MY CHECKBOOK, BECAUSE I CAN'T CONCEIVE OF THE FACT THAT OTHERS MIGHT WANT TO USE THE A.T.M.
AND I'M NICK. I PEPPER EVERYTHING I SAY WITH FAMOUS MOVIE QUOTES BECAUSE I THINK IT MAKES ME LOOK CLEVER AND HIP.
THIS IS STUPID. AS THOUGH MARKING THEM "NO REPRO" AND STICKING THEM HERE IN A DUMB SHIRT COULD STOP ME FROM REPRODUCING. THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY YOU COULD ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE THAT...
AND HERE'S LARRY. I PRESS THE ELEVATOR FLOOR BUTTON EVEN THOUGH IT'S ALREADY LIT. I THINK WE'LL GET THERE FASTER.
...HASTA LA VISTA, BABY.

I SURE AM GLAD TO HEAR THE "FAMILY CIRCUS" THING ENDED SO WELL.
WELL, NOT EXACTLY...THE F.B.I. ARRESTED THE ENTIRE FAMILY FOR HARBORING A TERRORIST.
BUT THEY'RE ONE OF THE MOST BELOVED FAMILIES IN THE HISTORY OF THE COMICS PAGE. THEY CAN'T DO THAT.
WELL, THEY DID...AND JUDGING BY WHERE THEY SENT THEM, THEY MAY BE GONE AWHILE...
ON A POSITIVE NOTE, THIS SHOULD GIVE US A WHOLE BUNCH OF NEW MATERIAL.

DUDE... THE F.B.I. RAIDED THE 'FAMILY CIRCUS' HOUSE AND FOUND BIN LADEN.
HOW'D THEY KNOW HE WAS THERE?
I GUESS SOMEONE REPORTED SEEING HIM DOWNTOWN WITH ONE OF THE KIDS AND THE FEDS JUST FOLLOWED THEM BACK TO THE 'FAMILY CIRCUS' HOUSE.
BUT HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO HARD TO FOLLOW.
"Curse you, little Billy."

DUDE DUDE DUDE... I WAS RIGHT. I JUST DISCOVERED THAT OSAMA BIN LADEN IS IN THIS COUNTRY AND IS LIVING IN THE 'FAMILY CIRCUS'.
HOW'D YOU FIND OUT?
I WAS WATCHING BIN LADEN'S LATEST VIDEOTAPED MESSAGE AND I SAW JEFFY AND DOLLY RUN BY IN THE BACKGROUND.
WHY DOESN'T THE 'FAMILY CIRCUS' FAMILY TURN HIM IN?
BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS! THEY'RE LOCKED IN SOME PAST ERA THAT HAS ALMOST NO CONNECTION TO PRESENT TIMES!

I HEAR YOU THINK OSAMA BIN LADEN SNUCK INTO THIS COUNTRY AS AN EXCHANGE STUDENT AND IS LIVING WITH SOME OUT-OF-TOUCH FAMILY THAT DOESN'T KNOW WHO HE IS.
YEP.
BUT HOW CAN THAT BE? ... WOULDN'T THEIR RESPECTIVE CULTURES COLLIDE?
COLLIDE HOW?

SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT... YOU THINK OSAMA BIN LADEN SLIPPED INTO THIS COUNTRY AS AN EXCHANGE STUDENT AND IS PRESENTLY LIVING WITH SOME CLUELESS AMERICAN FAMILY THAT HAS NO IDEA WHO HE IS ?
YEAH. AND MY BIGGEST FEAR IS THAT HE'LL TRY TO INDOCTRINATE THE CHILDREN.
INDOCTRINATE THEM HOW ?
... AND WHEN YOUR FATHER LEAVES FOR WORK, WE GIVE HIM HUGS AND KISSES. WE DO NOT CALL HIM 'THE GREAT SATAN' AND PLACE A FATWA UPON HIS HEAD.

ALRIGHT, I DON'T GET IT.. WE'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOUR YEARS FOR THIS OSAMA BIN LADEN FELLOW AND WE CAN'T FIND HIM ANYWHERE... WANT TO KNOW MY THEORY?
SURE... WHAT'S YOUR THEORY?
I THINK HE SNUCK INTO OUR COUNTRY AS AN EXCHANGE STUDENT AND IS PRESENTLY LIVING WITH SOME AMERICAN FAMILY WHO HAS NO IDEA WHO HE IS..
OH, PLEASE.. WHAT AMERICAN FAMILY COULD BE THAT OUT OF TOUCH?
I'M SORRY, OSAMA, BUT AT THE END OF GRACE WE SAY, 'AMEN', NOT 'DEATH TO AMERICA.'..

DEAR MR. COMIC SYNDICATE EDITOR,
I HAVE NOTICED THAT IN THE LAST
COUPLE YEARS, SOME COMIC STRIPS SYNDICATES HAVE PRODUCED ONE STRIP AFTER ANOTHER COMIC STRIP THAT ARE MEANT TO APPEAL TO ONE SPECIFIC MINORITY GROUP OR ANOTHER.
IN DOING SO, THEY HAVE IGNORED THE CENTRAL PURPOSE OF THE STRIPS.
SIMPLY ARE NOT FUNNY.
CALL ME NUTS, BUT I THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY WRITING A COMIC STRIP THAT SHOULD BE JUDGED ON WHETHER OR NOT IT IS FUNNY.
AS SUCH, I THINK THAT BOTH COMIC STRIP ARTIST AND SYNDICATES NEED TO STOP TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT BY MANUFACTURING FOOLS FOR PREDICTABLE SIMPLE MINDED LAUGHS OR OBSCURELY BIASED NICHE BASED STRIPS AND INSTEAD, TAKE A CHANCE ON A STRIP BASED WHOLLY UPON ITS LEVEL OF COVERT CONTENT.
ONLY THEN CAN THE "FUNNIES" PAGE RETURN TO THE BUSINESS OF BEING FUNNY...
P.S. ENCLOSED PLEASE FIND MY COMIC STRIP, "BETI, THE ONE-LEGGED ALBANIAN BUNNY BOY WHOSE DIVORCED PARENTS SPEAK FLUENT SPANISH."
...IT'S MUY BUENO.

PIG... THIS IS YOUR MOTHER. SHE CAME HERE TO TELL YOU TO GET OUT OF THAT TREE.
YES, PIG... YOUR UNCONVENTIONAL BEHAVIOR SHAMES THE ENTIRE FAMILY. PLEASE... BE A DOCTOR. HAVE KIDS. BUY A HOUSE... BUT NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, SIT IN A TREE WITHOUT A REASON.
... BUT IT MAKES ME HAPPY.
... HE'S NUTS. SHOOT HIM.
... ONE TRANQUILIZER TO THE BUTT COMING UP.

WHY ARE YOU SITTING ON THE TOP OF A TREE, PIG?
I DON’T HAVE A REASON.
THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE SOCIAL BEHAVIOR, PIG… IF YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL DO SOMETHING THAT IS OUT OF THE ORDINARY, WE AS A SOCIETY DEMAND A REASON.
OR ELSE WHAT?
OR ELSE WE’LL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO CALL YOU A WEIRDO AND MARGINALIZE YOU OUT OF EXISTENCE.
…USE SMALLER WORDS.
THAT’S OKAY… I LIKE MARGARINE.

Okay, Zebra neighba... Dis is crocodiles... You mess wid us foh last time... Eeder you lets us eat you or we keel hostage dat is very dear to you... Choice is yous...
HOSTAGE?? YOU TOOK A HOSTAGE?? WHO IS IT??
Lou... He my cousin.
YOUR COUSIN LOU?... ...HE'S NOT DEAR TO ME.
...Bad news fah you.

WELCOME TO THE SIX O'CLOCK NEWS. TODAY, EVERYBODY LIED AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DID A LOT OF BAD THINGS FOR MONEY.
THAT'S THE NEWS. GOODNIGHT.
I'D PREFER TO BE UNINFORMED.

Hulloooo, Zeeba neighba-Leesten. How'bouts you come outside and play new crockydile game... "Zeeba Hide in Propane Barbecue"?
HOW ABOUT YOU GET THE HECK AWAY FROM MY WINDOW AND LET ME READ IN PEACE?
Why he so unfriendly?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO STUDY THIS COCKROACH AS HE ADVANCES FROM ONE STAGE OF LIFE TO THE NEXT.
I THINK HE ADVANCED TO THE NEXT STAGE.

May I help you?
WHAT THE--? WHAT'S A CROCODILE DOING WORKING AT MY FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
You no let me eat you. Now you let me serve you. Make more money, buy lot food, make you lose friend, you heckler loser guy.

HEY...THERE’S NO SHAME IN EARNING AN HONEST LIVING.
PEESE SHUT MOUTH.
ME NOT LECTURING YOU...I'M JUST FRUSTRATED BY FALLING INTO A TURNING POINT IN YOUR LIFE.
If me turn corner, me should be back by alley on West Street. And me like you not say anything.
ON UNEMPLOYMENT LINE NOW.

I'M KIDDING YOU, LIZ...LIKE I'M PROUD TO KNOW YOU, CAUSE YOU'RE A GOOD COOK.
OHHHHkay…
Dat does it… Dat ees last straw dat break camel back… Now me hop on counter, scoop you and deep fry you beeg fat HEAD…
androhi
...by....
And he is like, "You fired."
And me is like, "Duuuuude...
You can be so serious." Y

SO I HEARD THAT LOSER, WEE BEAR, FINALLY FOUND A WOMAN.
YEAH, BUT SHE'S IN PRISON, SO THEY CAN'T GO ON DATES.
THEY DO LIKE TO WRITE LETTERS, THOUGH.
DUDE, SHE'S PROBABLY JUST LOOKING FOR SOME SAP WHO'LL
ULTIMATELY HELP SPRING HER FROM THE CAN.
OHH, I DOUBT THAT.
IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE SHE REALLY LOVES HIM.
...AND LIKE ANY BIRTHDAY GIRL, I'D LOVE A GUN TO GO WITH MY SAW...

LOOK AT THIS... WEE BEAR PUT AN AD IN THE PERSONALS SECTION OF THE PAPER... I GUESS HE REALLY WANTS TO MEET A WOMAN.
STUPID LOSER... WHAT'S IT SAY?
"SMALL BEAR WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO'S GENEROUS WITH COMPLIMENTS AND ENJOYS LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH."
WHO'S GONNA ANSWER A DUMB AD LIKE THAT?
NICE TIE.

Okay, zeeba neighba...Put hands in sky.
Mebbe we Crockydiles no fast enough to catch you, but now we got gun, so you days' is numbahed.
BOOM
Dat bad.

DO YOU EVER GET THE FEELING THAT RELATIVES AND FRIENDS WHO HAVE DIED ARE UP THERE SOMEWHERE IN HEAVEN WATCHING OVER YOU?
YEAH... THAT'S A NICE FEELING...
WELL, NOT FOR ME, DUDE, BECAUSE IF THEY ARE WATCHING, THAT MEANS THEY'VE SEEN EVERYTHING AND NOW KNOW WHAT A DEPRAVED SOUL I REALLY AM...
BUT IF THEY'RE IN HEAVEN, THEY'RE FILLED WITH LOVE... AND UNDERSTANDING... AND FORGIVENESS.
HE'S GOING TO HELL.
SEE YA... WOULDN'T WANNA BE YA.

Okay, zeeba neighba... Leesten... Dis is beloved wife... Me and her marriage on rocks... Why on rocks?... Because she lose all respekk for me when she see me no can catch you.
Ohhh, Larry... Dat not true.
Reelly? Reelly...?
Ohhh, Frieda... Reelly?
...Me NEVAH respekk you.
Dis not good time, Frieda.

HEY, RAT…LISTEN, DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT I THINK YOUR COLLECTION OF BOOKS IN THE BATHROOM HAS GROWN OUT OF HAND…COULD I GET RID OF A FEW?
LISTEN, MORON…READING ON THE JOHN IS ONE OF LIFE'S GREAT PLEASURES, YOU WILL NOT TOUCH A SINGLE BOOK, AND YOU WILL NOT CALL MY COLLECTION "OUT OF HAND."
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
DON'T APOLOGIZE TO ME…APOLOGIZE TO GLADYS, WHOSE VERY LIVELIHOOD YOU CASUALLY THREATENED.
I'M SORRY, GLADYS.
SHHHHH!!!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY BOTHERS ME? THAT AFTER ALL THE SACRIFICES BILL WATTERSON MADE TO KEEP HIS “CALVIN AND HOBBES” CHARACTERS FROM BEING MASS-MARKETED, THERE ARE ALL THESE IDIOTS OUT THERE SELLING TONS OF ILLEGAL CAR DECALS OF CALVIN PEEING ON THINGS.
GOSH...THAT MAKES ME SAD...I LOVED CALVIN.
IT IS SAD, PIG. IT SHOWS NO RESPECT FOR THE COMIC OR ITS CREATOR.
THEN WHY ARE THERE LOTS OF THEM DOING IT NOW?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO DECENCY.
DO YOU REALLY THINK PEOPLE BUYING THOSE CARE THAT MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE ARE WILLING TO SELL OUT THE WORK OF A COMIC STRIP CREATOR TO SELL A DECAL OF A COMIC STRIP CHARACTER DOING SOMETHING INAPPROPRIATE LIKE THAT?
DO I THINK? I KNOW...LOOK AROUND YOU...THOSE DECALS ARE EVERYWHERE...THEY JUST MAKE ME SICK...IT’S DISGUSTING....
IT’S...IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
HEY! I KNOW HIM!

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, GOAT?
SOME HUNTING SHOW. THEY’RE SHOOTING PHEASANTS.
OH, THAT’S AWFUL. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS POOR IS NO REASON TO SHOOT THEM.
‘PHEASANTS’, NOT ‘PEASANTS’.
OH.... DO PHEASANTS HAVE MORE MONEY?