Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear Angelina Jolie,
I love you. You are the most beautiful woman in the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands.
You stupid pig. You think it's romantic to lapse into the Pledge of Allegiance when writing love letters to hot chicks, don't you? How dumb can you be?
Uhh...I...no. I musta just goofed. Heh heh heh heh heh.
Dear Hilde Berezny,
I love you. Please marry me so we can be indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Scripple scripple scripple

Hululoo, Zeeeba neighba... Leesten. Een effort to improove relationsheep wid Zeebas, we give you geef... Ees nice Crockydile boots...
You know... I find it more than a little disturbing that you would buy something made of crocodile skin...
Ohhhhh... Me no buy. Uncle Tim fall asleep een front of t.v... He know what heet heem.
Family not too close.

HEY THERE, BUDDY... CAN I HAVE SOME OF YOUR TATER TOTS? I'LL PAY YOU.
HOW MUCH?
A PENNY EACH.
A PENNY?
YES. A PENNY FOR YOUR TOTS.
SERIOUSLY... HOW DOES ONE GO ABOUT JOINING A DIFFERENT COMIC STRIP?
HEEEEY... "FUNKY WINKERBEAN" IS HIRING.

Okay, zeeba neighba...
Lessen... Meebe we no smart enuf to catch you yet... But now all dat change.
How DO YOU FIGURE?
Because dis is Larry, He top Crocodile Scientist... He spend hours in lab mayken top secret Crockydile code. Now we talk each other and you no know what said. HAHA. Show heem, Larry.
... We-o is-o about-o to-o killa zeeba-o.
... Where-o he-o go-o?

HEY. IT'S 'SIX-INCH SUSIE...!'
HOW GOES IT, SUSIE?
NOT GOOD, PIG...I'M SO LONELY...
I'D ALWAYS DREAMED OF BEING THAT DEBRA WINGER CHARACTER IN "AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN,' WHERE A MAN IN UNIFORM WOULD JUST WALK INTO MY LIFE AND SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET...BUT NO...IT'S NEVER HAPPENED
...IT'S NICE TO SEE DREAMS COME TRUE.

Hullo, zeeba neighbah... Leesten... Me knows no me can catch you... So how 'bout you juss have some prize on me and lets me eat you?
PITY? YOU WANT PITY? YOU MUST BE...NUTS.
OH, HERE'S MORE THAN NUTS, ZEBRA... THIS CROCODILE IS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WELL-ESTABLISHED SCIENCE.
WHO ARE YOU?
HI. I'M CHARLES DARWIN, CREATOR OF EVOLUTION THEORY. AS YOU MAY KNOW, MY THEORY HOLDS THAT OVER TIME, NATURAL SELECTION WEEDS OUT THE WEAKEST OF ANY SPECIES.
THUS, WHEN A CREATURE IS AS MORONIC OR PITIFUL AS THIS PARTICULAR CROCODILE, WE MUST NOT HATE HIM. IN FACT, IN DUE COURSE, NATURE WILL LET THEM STARVE AND DIE, VICTIMS OF THEIR OWN INEPTITUDE, THUS ENSURING THAT THEIR LOWLY, PATHETIC SCALP CAN NO LONGER INFECT THE GENE POOL.
Me have feamings, you know.

DEAR TIGER WOODS,
OKAY, DUDE, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
A FEW WEEKS AGO, I MOCK YOU FOR NO LONGER WINNING TOURNAMENTS... THE NEXT DAY, YOU WIN THE MASTERS... THAT WAS AN OBVIOUS ATTEMPT TO SHOW ME UP.
IN ORDER TO RESOLVE WHAT HAS NOW BECOME A VERY PUBLIC FEUD BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, I SUGGEST ONE OF THE FOLLOWING: EITHER (A), YOU GIVE ME 25% OF THE $13.5 MILLION THAT I INSPIRED YOU TO WIN AT THE MASTERS, OR (B), WE FIGHT IN THE CHURCH PARKING LOT AFTER SCHOOL.
... IT WORKED IN JUNIOR HIGH.

Hulloooo, zeeba neighba... Leesten... We make you promise... You veesit us and we no keel you... We swear on beeloved muhder's life...
Ack!
You keel mom, Larry.
Dat gonna weigh on conshuss.

BEHOLD... I’VE INVENTED THE ‘GARDEN IN PEACE’ BOX. YOU SEE, I REALIZED THAT THE ONLY TIME I’M EXPOSED TO OUR IDIOT NEIGHBORS IS WHEN I HAVE TO GARDEN OUT FRONT... BUT NOW, I CAN PROJECT MYSELF WITH THIS SOUNDPROOF, GLASS BOX...
...WHEN ONE OF THOSE MORONS WALKS UP TO ME TO START SOME STUPID CONVERSATION, I JUST STEP INSIDE AND CUT OFF ALL DISCUSSION, LIMITING OUR INTERACTION TO A MERE WAVE.
BUT HOW CAN YOU DO THAT? DON’T YOU THINK IT’S FUN TO TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE?

HI...I'M JAMES THORNTON, FROM THE JUNIOR COLLEGE, AND I'M HERE TO TAKE AWAY THE STUDENT INTERNS YOU HIRED. IT'S OUR BELIEF THAT YOU'VE ABUSED THE PROGRAM BY GIVING THE STUDENTS DANGEROUS, DEHUMANIZING TASKS.
OH, PUH-LEAZE, DUDE. I LOVE THOSE KIDS. THEY KNOW THAT, AND I KNOW THAT...I WOULD NEVER HURT THEM AND WE GIBHS SURE DON'T NEED SOME PINHEAD BUREAUCRAT INTERFERING IN OUR AFFAIRS.
'SCUSE ME, BOSS...BUT CAN I GO HOME EARLY?...MY RIBS KINDA HURT...
NOT NOW, SPIRO SPEED BUMP.

I HEAR RAT IS HIRING UNPAID COLLEGE INTERNS.
YEAH... APPARENTLY, THE JOB MARKET IS SO TIGHT THAT THEY'RE DESPERATE FOR ANY KIND OF WORK EXPERIENCE THEY CAN GET.
I HOPE HE'S NOT TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE SITUATION BY GIVING THEM SOME THANKLESS, DEHUMANIZING TASKS.
WELL, IF HE DOES, I'M SURE THEY'LL HAVE MORE PRIDE THAN TO DO THEM.
...PLEASE DON'T DEMEAN SKIPPY THE COFFEE STIRRER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I READ THAT THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF COLLEGE STUDENTS DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR UNPAID INTERNSHIPS SO THEY CAN GET WORK EXPERIENCE SO I OFFERED THEM A CHANCE TO WORK IN A SYNDICATED COMIC STRIP.
DOING WHAT?
DOING WHAT ?
WELL, THESE TWO ARE SNOUSHINES THAT ONE'S BILLY SNOUSHINE AND THIS ONE'S BETTY SNOUSHINE UNFORTUNATELY, WE DON'T GET MUCH WIND HERE BUT STILL, IT'S GOOD EXER--
AAAAAAAAAAAA
THUD
...POOR BOBBY WEATHER VANE.

SURPRISE!
ME AND PIG THOUGHT WE’D GIVE YOU THESE PRESENTS TO SHOW YOU OUR APPRECIATION…YOU CAN OPEN THEM LATER, IF YOU WANT.
YEAH. THEY’RE FOR ALL THE DAYS YOU FILLED OUR LIVES WITH JOY AND FOR THE NIGHTS YOU STAYED UP WITH US.
FOR BEING SO DEPENDABLE.
FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE.
YEAH. IN A WORLD WHERE I HATE MY NEIGHBORS AND CAN’T EVEN STAND SOME OF MY OWN FRIENDS, I’VE ALWAYS GOT YOU. AND THAT’S ALL I NEED.
GOD BLESS YOU.
WE LOVE YOU.
…THAT IS SO DISTURBING.
WAIT ‘TIL YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID TO THE SATELLITE DISH.

WHY ARE YOU SMEARING LIPSTICK ON THE ROAD?
THE CITY STARTED A "HIGHWAY BEAUTIFICATION" PROJECT... I THOUGHT I'D DO MY PART.
YOU DUMB PIG... HIGHWAY BEAUTIFICATION INVOLVES PICKING UP TRASH AND PLANTING FLOWERS.
OH... THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH ALL THIS STUFF?
IT'S A LONG STORY.

Hullo, Zeeba neighba... leesten... We crockydiles no more obsessed wid keeling you... Now we does pretty needlepoint. Needlepoint gud.
Hey, that's great. You know, a hobby can be very relaxing. It helps take your mind off things... what's that one you're working on?
Ees popular theme.

ALRIGHT, RAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I HAVE WRAPPED PIG UP IN CANVAS, DRAPED A CURTAIN OVER HIS HEAD AND STUCK HIM UNDER A GIANT UMBRELLA.
AND WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
BECAUSE I AM CREESCO, THE WORLD FAMOUS ARTISTE!! IF I WRAP IT, THEY WILL COME!
THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER--
I'LL GIVE YOU FOUR MILLION DOLLARS FOR THAT.
MAKE IT TEN.
DEAL.

LOOK AT THIS, RAT... EVERY TIME I WAVE AT THIS WALL, MY FRIEND THE LI'IL TURKEY SHOWS UP.
YOU MORON... I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS. HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED THE RATHER LARGE FIGURE IT'S ATTACHED TO?
...THAT'S HIS FRIEND. THE FAT PIG.

Me sad. Me want keel you fren', Zeeba, but he leeve me. Mebbe me cry.
DUDE, LISTEN. ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS FOLLOW WHAT THOSE CROCODILES DO ON THE NATURE SHOWS. THEY JUST SIT REAL STILL IN A BODY OF WATER FOR HOURS AND TRY TO FOOL THEIR PREY INTO THINKING THEY'RE LOGS.
logs?
LOGS.
Psssst... Larry! No wheestle!

HERE.
WHAT'S THIS?
IT'S A LIST OF THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH YOU. YOU'RE DEEPLY FLAWED. BUT DON'T BE OFFENDED. IT'S ALL CONSTRUCTIVE.
... YOU'RE A SMELLY FATHEAD.
SOME PARTS ARE MORE CONSTRUCTIVE THAN OTHERS.

ZEBRA! ZEEBA! JOJO DEAD!
DO MOUF TO MOUF!
BE HEO!!I
GUYS... IF JOJO'S DEAD, IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR MOUTH-TO-MOUTH.
ALL PRAISE TO GAWWHD!
ME AWIVE!!
ME AWIVE!!
HE AWIVE!!
DO MOUF TO MOUF!!
BE HEO!!I
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU MORONS??
DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING??
YOU THINK I'M GONNA PUT MY MOUTH OVER THE MOUTH OF A LIVING CROCODILE??
OH NO!!
ME SO DEAD AGAIN
EES NOT EVEN FUNNY.
HE DEAD!!
HE MOUF TO MOUF NOW!!
BE HEO!!I

OUR NEXT LETTER IS FOR OUR
STRIP'S CREATOR, STEPHAN PASTIS.
"STEPHAN, I UNDERSTAND YOU
USED TO BE A LAWYER... DO
YOU EVER MISS THOSE DAYS?"
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
SNOOOOOOOORRRRT
HOOHOOHOO
HEEHOHOHAHA
HAHAHAHAHA
HOOHOOHOOHOO
HEEHEEHEE
HAHAHAHAHA
I THINK
THAT'S A
'NO.'

PEARLS MAILBAG
OUR NEXT READER ASKS, "I HEAR SOME CARTOONISTS USE GAG WRITERS. DO YOU?" ... WELL, YES, WE DO USE GAG WRITERS AT "PEARLS," BUT BECAUSE WE'RE A NEW STRIP, WE COULDN'T AFFORD MUCH.
THUS, WE GOT A REAL CHEAP GUY FROM PESHTIGO, WISCONSIN, NAMED LARRY... LARRY IS A FRIENDLESS, HOPELESS SOUL WITH AN UNPREDICTABLY DARK VIEW OF HUMAN NATURE. HE'S OBSESSED BY DEATH, AND YES, FOR THOSE OF YOU WONDERING, LARRY HAS A BAD MARRIAGE.
HERE'S ONE... A GUY GETS MARRIED... THEN HE DIES.
HEH HEH... GOOD ONE, LARRY.

PEARLS MAILBAG
TODAY'S LETTER IS FROM GEORGE W. BUS_ OF WASHINGTON, D.C., WHO WRITES, "YOURS IS THE BEST STRIP IN THE WASHINGTON POST...IF POSSIBLE, COULD YOU NAME ONE OF THE CHARACTERS 'GEORGE'?"
NO...WE CAN'T...AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?...
... OUR NEXT LETTER IS FROM STEPHAN PASTIS, OF GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA...

TODAY WE ANSWER SOME MORE READER MAIL. THIS READER ASKS, "PEARLS CAN BE SO DARK AND GRIM AT TIMES... IS THAT AN ACCURATE REFLECTION OF WHAT MR. PASTIS IS LIKE?"
...NO.
NO.

THE RAT AND PIG DEBATE
-AND IN CONCLUSION, I'D LIKE TO SAY THAT MY OPPONENT IS A BIG, DUMB FATHEAD. C'MON, PIG, DEFEND YOURSELF.
I WOULD, BUT YOU SAID ONE OF THE RULES WAS THAT I COULDN'T TALK.
YOU ARE CORRECT. AND YET... YOU TALKED. THUS, YOU HAVE PLAYED INTO MY TRAP AND VIOLATED SAID RULE... YOU ARE THEREFORE DISQUALIFIED... I AM TRIUMPHAL AND YOU, SIR, ARE AWASH IN SHAME.
OKAY.
MAY I GO HOME NOW?
WHOA, DUDE... NO NEED TO BE A POOR SPORT.