Pearls Before Swine | Search

SO I HEARD THAT LOSER, WEE BEAR, FINALLY FOUND A WOMAN.
YEAH, BUT SHE'S IN PRISON, SO THEY CAN'T GO ON DATES.
THEY DO LIKE TO WRITE LETTERS, THOUGH.
DUDE, SHE'S PROBABLY JUST LOOKING FOR SOME SAP WHO'LL
ULTIMATELY HELP SPRING HER FROM THE CAN.
OHH, I DOUBT THAT.
IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE SHE REALLY LOVES HIM.
...AND LIKE ANY BIRTHDAY GIRL, I'D LOVE A GUN TO GO WITH MY SAW...

LOOK AT THIS... WEE BEAR PUT AN AD IN THE PERSONALS SECTION OF THE PAPER... I GUESS HE REALLY WANTS TO MEET A WOMAN.
STUPID LOSER... WHAT'S IT SAY?
"SMALL BEAR WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO'S GENEROUS WITH COMPLIMENTS AND ENJOYS LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH."
WHO'S GONNA ANSWER A DUMB AD LIKE THAT?
NICE TIE.

Okay, zeeba neighba...Put hands in sky.
Mebbe we Crockydiles no fast enough to catch you, but now we got gun, so you days' is numbahed.
BOOM
Dat bad.

DO YOU EVER GET THE FEELING THAT RELATIVES AND FRIENDS WHO HAVE DIED ARE UP THERE SOMEWHERE IN HEAVEN WATCHING OVER YOU?
YEAH... THAT'S A NICE FEELING...
WELL, NOT FOR ME, DUDE, BECAUSE IF THEY ARE WATCHING, THAT MEANS THEY'VE SEEN EVERYTHING AND NOW KNOW WHAT A DEPRAVED SOUL I REALLY AM...
BUT IF THEY'RE IN HEAVEN, THEY'RE FILLED WITH LOVE... AND UNDERSTANDING... AND FORGIVENESS.
HE'S GOING TO HELL.
SEE YA... WOULDN'T WANNA BE YA.

Okay, zeeba neighba... Leesten... Dis is beloved wife... Me and her marriage on rocks... Why on rocks?... Because she lose all respekk for me when she see me no can catch you.
Ohhh, Larry... Dat not true.
Reelly? Reelly...?
Ohhh, Frieda... Reelly?
...Me NEVAH respekk you.
Dis not good time, Frieda.

HEY, RAT…LISTEN, DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT I THINK YOUR COLLECTION OF BOOKS IN THE BATHROOM HAS GROWN OUT OF HAND…COULD I GET RID OF A FEW?
LISTEN, MORON…READING ON THE JOHN IS ONE OF LIFE'S GREAT PLEASURES, YOU WILL NOT TOUCH A SINGLE BOOK, AND YOU WILL NOT CALL MY COLLECTION "OUT OF HAND."
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
DON'T APOLOGIZE TO ME…APOLOGIZE TO GLADYS, WHOSE VERY LIVELIHOOD YOU CASUALLY THREATENED.
I'M SORRY, GLADYS.
SHHHHH!!!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY BOTHERS ME? THAT AFTER ALL THE SACRIFICES BILL WATTERSON MADE TO KEEP HIS “CALVIN AND HOBBES” CHARACTERS FROM BEING MASS-MARKETED, THERE ARE ALL THESE IDIOTS OUT THERE SELLING TONS OF ILLEGAL CAR DECALS OF CALVIN PEEING ON THINGS.
GOSH...THAT MAKES ME SAD...I LOVED CALVIN.
IT IS SAD, PIG. IT SHOWS NO RESPECT FOR THE COMIC OR ITS CREATOR.
THEN WHY ARE THERE LOTS OF THEM DOING IT NOW?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO DECENCY.
DO YOU REALLY THINK PEOPLE BUYING THOSE CARE THAT MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE ARE WILLING TO SELL OUT THE WORK OF A COMIC STRIP CREATOR TO SELL A DECAL OF A COMIC STRIP CHARACTER DOING SOMETHING INAPPROPRIATE LIKE THAT?
DO I THINK? I KNOW...LOOK AROUND YOU...THOSE DECALS ARE EVERYWHERE...THEY JUST MAKE ME SICK...IT’S DISGUSTING....
IT’S...IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
HEY! I KNOW HIM!

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, GOAT?
SOME HUNTING SHOW. THEY’RE SHOOTING PHEASANTS.
OH, THAT’S AWFUL. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS POOR IS NO REASON TO SHOOT THEM.
‘PHEASANTS’, NOT ‘PEASANTS’.
OH.... DO PHEASANTS HAVE MORE MONEY?

DID YOU HEAR THAT RAT JOINED GREENPEACE?
GREENPEACE? THOSE ARE THE GUYS WHO GO OUT IN RAFTS TO SAVE THE WHALES.
YOU SURE THAT'S WHAT THEY DO?
OF COURSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DO... WHAT'S RAT THINK THEY DO?
... WE NEED TO TALK.

MAN IS BORN TO LIVE, TO SUFFER, AND TO DIE.
YAAAAAY!!
...WE'VE ALWAYS GOT 'THE WAVE.'

HEY, BUDDY... SPARE SOME CHANGE? I'M JUST TRYING TO BUY A SANDWICH.
C'MON, MAN... PLEASE... HELP A BROTHER OUT...
BUM KNEE.

HEY, ZEBRA... I THINK YOU'RE GETTING A FAX...
WHO'S IT FROM, RAT?
I DON'T KNOW... IT LOOKS LIKE SOME SORT OF THREAT FROM SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO THEY ARE.
WAIT WAIT WAIT... IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S A SECOND PAGE... IT'S A... A... CLAW PRINT??
HAND STUCK!! HAND STUCK!! HAND STUCK!!
AAHHH!!

LET'S PLAY CHESS.
HOW DO YOU PLAY?
YOU WEAR THIS HANDKERCHIEF OVER YOUR EYES AND TRY TO CAPTURE THE OTHER PLAYER'S KING.
DO YOU WEAR ONE, TOO?
THAT'S VERY HURTFUL, PIG... OF COURSE I WEAR ONE... PLEASE APOLOGIZE FOR IMPLYING I WOULD CHEAT.
I'M SORRY, RAT... YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND AND I TRUST YOU.
...CHECKMATE.
GOOD GAME, BUDDY.

okay, zeeba neighba... me tired of your games, so me hire sophisticated lawyer. he write opening statement for me. peese shut mounf, leesten.
ahem... gud evenengs, people of da world. chapter nine, scene two, psalm sixteen of united state constelution say thees and me a quote--ees okay me keel you.
me rest case.
listen, i didn't mean to embarrass you or your attorney, but i can assure you that those words are not in the constitution. if you really want to debate this, i suggest you and your lawyer try to formulate a slightly more forceful opening statement.
yo mama fat as house.

SOMETIMES I GET "ROAD RAGE" SO BAD, IT'S SCARY.
YOU DON'T OWN A CAR.
I TOLD YOU IT WAS SCARY.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
I WAS REMOVING ALL THE MIRRORS IN OUR HOUSE. I FIGURE IF I CAN GO THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT SEEING MYSELF, I WON'T KNOW HOW UGLY I AM.
GEE, PIG...THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE EXTREME...HAVE YOU TOLD RAT ABOUT THIS?
YEAH...AND HE SEEMED TO UNDERSTAND...FOR ONCE, I THINK HE'S REALLY GONNA HELP ME.
GREETINGS FROM REFLECTO-MAN.

AS YOUR CAREER COUNSELOR, I'D ADVISE YOU TO GET YOUR MASTER'S DEGREE.
WELL, THANK YOU, MR. RAT. I--
YO, DAWG. I FOUND THE HEAD.
EXCELLENT, BRO.
EXCUSE ME, SIR WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF...
OHHHH GAAAWAD.!!!!
MY RÉSUMÉ!! MY RÉSUMÉ!!!
...AND I WAS LIKE, "YO, DUDE, JUST PRINT MORE," AND HE WAS LIKE, "DUUUUDE, THIS PAPER'S EXPENSIVE."
DESPERADO BRA!!!

WELCOME TO RAT'S CAREER COUNSELING, MA'AM... GO AHEAD AND PUT YOUR PURSE DOWN OVER THERE IF YOU'D LIKE...
I'M SORRY, MR. RAT, BUT I'M
NOT GONNA PUT MY PURSE DOWN...
C'MON, LADY, IT'S CLEAN IN HERE.
NO, IT'S NOT... IT'S GROSS...
IT IS NOT GROSS... PUT IT DOWN.
LEGGO OF MY PURSE, YOU IDIOT.
YOU LEGGO!!
YOU LEGGO!!
...AS YOUR CAREER COUNSELOR, I ADVISE YOU TO GET A NEW PURSE.

I HEAR RAT STARTED WORKING AS A CAREER COUNSELOR.
YEAH, BUT HE HAD TROUBLE FINDING OFFICE SPACE, SO HE HAD TO RENT A PORTA-POTTY.
YOU CAN'T WORK IN A PORTA-POTTY.
THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HIM, BUT HE SAID IT ACTUALLY HELPED TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION WITH HIS CLIENTS.
...AND NOW FOR A VISUAL DEMONSTRATION OF WHERE YOUR CAREER IS GOING.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE'S BEEN WANTING TO GO OUT AND START WORKING AS A CAREER COUNSELOR, BUT HE HAD TROUBLE FINDING AFFORDABLE OFFICE SPACE.
SO DID HE FINALLY FIND SOMETHING?
YEAH. HE SAYS IT'S A LITTLE CRAMPED, BUT APPARENTLY, THE RENT IS CHEAP.

Hullo, zeeba neighba...beesten...
We cwockydiles get new job.
Be stand-up comic. You like.
Yes. Gud day. Uh. Hey, Larry friend...Why Zeeba no able to drink water from watering
hole ?
Peese tell me, Bob!
Because me tear off head!!!
...ba DUM bum...KSSHHH.
Peese duvive home safewee.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THAT BOX?
THE WORLD APPEARS TO BE ENDING, SO WE'RE DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
SITTING IN A BOX GETTING DRUNK FROM A BEER HAT IS HARDLY "DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT"... GET OUT THERE AND MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
...AWW, WHO AM I KIDDING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
AFTER WATCHING ENOUGH NEWS, I'VE CONCLUDED THAT WE'RE ALL DOOMED. THUS, THE ONLY SANE RESPONSE IS TO SIT IN A BOX AND DRINK BEER FROM A HAT.
BUT THAT DOESN'T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.
DO YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA?
...MMMMMMM...BEEEEER...

THERE'S A BAND OF GYPSIES WAITING AT THE FRONT DOOR. THEY SAY THEY'RE HERE TO BUY A PIG. DID YOU SELL ME?
I'M AFRAID SO.
WHY WOULD YOU SELL YOUR BEST FRIEND?
BECAUSE I NEEDED THE MONEY TO BUY A NEW IPOD.
YOU SOLD ME SO YOU COULD BUY A PORTABLE MUSIC PLAYER?
YEAH, BUT DUDE, IT STORES LIKE 15,000 SONGS. AND BESIDES, GYPSIES LOVE TO KEEP PIGS AS PETS, SO I'M SURE THEY'LL PROVIDE YOU WITH A NICE, LOVING HOME.
Charcoal getting cold.
What you want? Me barge in living room?

I THINK I’D BE MUCH MORE LIKELY TO BE RELIGIOUS IF IT WASN’T FOR ALL THAT “LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR” STUFF.
AND WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE I HATE MY NEIGHBORS. THEY HAVE BARKING DOGS AND CAR ALARMS AND SOMETIMES THEY EVEN TRY TO TALK TO ME.
YOUR SOUL’S SO DARK IT SMUDGES MINE.
HEY… MAYBE I COULD LOVE YOUR NEIGHBORS… I NEVER HAVE TO SEE THEM.