Pearls Before Swine | Search

A LITTLE BIRD LANDED ON
MY WINDOWSILL THIS MORN-
ING. I ASKED HIM WHO HE
WAS. HE SAID, "I'M THE
BLUEBIRD OF HAPPINESS...I'M
HERE TO BRING YOU JOY."
I WAS SO HAPPY, I
CRIED...THEN I HUGGED
HIS FRAGILE LITTLE BODY...
...HARD.
I HOPE THERE ARE
TWO BLUEBIRDS OF
HAPPINESS.

Hullo... These ees police. Begg maggadoule 11.8 eertquake coneen you way.. Run out fromn door now and PANIC!! We serious!!!
Okay, guys, three things... First, earthquakes aren't predictable... Second, even if they were, I really don't think emergency personnel would call recommending "panic"... And third, I can see one of your fat friends on my lawn...
LARRY, YOU FOOL!!!

HAPPY B-DAY, PIG!
I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LIKE TROPHIES, BUT CAN NEVER WIN ANY, SO I HAD ONE MADE FOR YOU.
WOW. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU REMEMBERED! HOW SWEET! AND LOOK! YOU ENGRAVED IT!
..."TO PIG, THE BIGGEST FAILURE I KNOW."
...IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

Helloooo, Zeeba neighba!
Today we do chores around house... feex tings up, y'know? How 'bouts you help us wid "to-do" leest? Must feex bafroom leeks.
LEMME SEE THAT.
UHH... WELL... BUT... YOU...
TO DO:
1) Get Zeeba feex fayke leeks.
2) Byte off zeeba hed.
3) Eet.
Me prefers you no see dat.

WOW… WHAT DID YOU PAY FOR THE TROPHY?
PAY? DUDE, I DIDN’T PAY ANYTHING… I WON IT.
JIMINY CHRISTMAS. WHAT A BARGAIN!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, “BARGAIN”?
I MEAN THAT GETTING A TROPHY FOR FREE IS A REAL BARGAIN.
DUDE, TROPHIES ARE SOMETHING PEOPLE TRADITIONALLY BUY THEM. PEOPLE GIVE THEM TO YOU WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING GREAT…
BUT YOU COULD BUY ONE.
WELL, SURE, BUT YOU’D HAVE TO BE ONE HECKUVA COMPLETE LOSER TO WALK INTO A TROPHY SHOP AND BUY YOUR OWN TROPHY.
THAT HURTS.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT WHICH WAY TO THE AUTO PARTS STORE?
THAT WAY... IT'S THREE MILES, AS THE CROW FLIES.
IS THAT THE FASTEST WAY?
YEP.
CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!
... I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

HEY, GUYS. HOW MANY BOOKS HAVE YOU SOLD?
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, YOU LITTLE BOOKSTORE FLUNKY. NOW PLEASE... GO BACK TO SETTING UP YOUR USELESS "HARRY POTTER" DISPLAYS
I'D LIKE TO, BUT THE STORE WANTS ME TO CLEAN UP YOUR TABLE. BILL AMEND, THE GUY WHO DRAWS "FOXTROT", HAS A SIGNING HERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
OH, PLEASE...
I'VE SEEN THAT STRIP...
MR. AMEND SHALL SIT ALONE, PONDERING HIS PITIFUL ABSENCE OF FANS...
......CLEARLY, MR. AMEND INVITED FAMILY.

HEY, RAT, LOOK! IT'S STEPHAN PASTIS, CREATOR OF "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE."
WELL, WHADDYA KNOW. MY COMIC STRIP CHARACTER HAS A BOOK OF HIS OWN CARTOONS...
STEP AWAY FROM THE TABLE, YOU OVERRATED @#%&*. THIS IS MY MOMENT IN THE SUN. I'LL POUND YOU IN THE HEAD IF YOU START PIMPING YOUR OWN STUPID BOOK -
PLEASE...I'M NOT GONNA USE YOUR MOMENT TO PLUG THIS MONTH'S RELEASE OF THE FOURTH "PEARLS" BOOK, "NIGHTHOGS."
...AND REMEMBER, WHAT HAPPENS AT "BARNES AND NOBLE" STAYS AT "BARNES AND NOBLE."

HELLO, SIR.. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A BOOK OF MY FRIEND'S COMIC STRIP?
COMIC STRIP? WHAT'S A COMIC STRIP?
IT WAS A ONCE THRIVING MEDIUM KILLED BY DECADES OF MEDIOCRITY, FUELED BY THE INSIDIOUS TRADITION OF OLDER STRIPS NEVER GOING AWAY, RESULTING IN AN ARITHMETIC GENERATION OF YOUNGER READERS WHO NO LONGER HAVE REASON TO EVEN OPEN THEIR NEWSPAPER.
NEWSPAPER?

RAT'S BOOK SIGNING
OH, LOOK, PIG... WE'VE BEEN APPROACHED BY YET ANOTHER ONE OF THE LITTLE PEOPLE, SEEKING THE AUTOGRAPH OF A COMIC STRIP LEGEND... HAND ME A BOOK... I SHALL SATISFY THE PLEBIAN'S REQUEST.
MEET RAT, CREATOR OF
SORRY TO BUG YOU GUYS, BUT DO YOU KNOW WHICH WAY THE MEN'S ROOM IS?
MEET RAT, CREATOR OF
... RAT GROWS WEARY OF HIS DEMANDING FAN BASE.
MEET RAT, CREATOR OF "DICKIE THE COCKROACH"!

WHERE ARE RAT AND PIG TODAY?
RAT PUT OUT A BOOK OF HIS "DIXIE THE COCKROACH" COMIC STRIPS... HE'S AT THE BOOKSTORE SIGNING COPIES.
WOW... A BOOK?
YEAH, AND HE SAYS IT'S THE MOST POPULAR STRIP SINCE 'BLOOM COUNTY,' SO IT SHOULD BE PRETTY PACKED.
...CLEARLY, THEY FIND MY GREATNESS INTIMIDATING.

DEAR DISNEYLAND,
RECENTLY, I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO VISIT YOUR THEME PARK.
I ENJOYED MYSELF GREATLY, EXCEPT FOR YOUR "IT'S A SMALL WORLD" RIDE.
DURING THE RIDE, LITTLE PEOPLE FROM EVERY COUNTRY HOLD HANDS AND SING SONGS.
BUT AS YOU MAY KNOW, THE WORLD TODAY DID NOT TURN OUT THE WAY MR. DISNEY HAD HOPED.
SO TO KEEP YOUR RIDE RELEVANT AND UP-TO-DATE WITH THE TIMES, I SUGGEST YOU SHOW THESE HARMONIOUS LITTLE MIDGETS BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER.
THEY SHOULD PUMMEL EACH OTHER WITH STICKS, PUNCH EACH OTHER IN THE FACE, AND GENERALLY WHUP UP ON EACH OTHER IN TRUE SMALL WORLD-THAT-TURNS-OUT-LIKE-CRAP FASHION.
AND PLEASE CHANGE THE HAPPY MUSIC... I SUGGEST "KILLING IN THE NAME" BY RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S EXACTLY THE TYPE OF LETTER THAT A BIG OL' PLACE LIKE DISNEYLAND COULD INTERPRET AS A THREATENING NOTE, CAUSING YOU TO BE ARRESTED BY THE F.B.I... I SUGGEST YOU THINK OF A NICE, SAFE WAY OF CLOSING THE LETTER. . .
BEST WISHES,
GOAT

Hullo! Oo, zeeba neighba... Leesten. Me want offer nice founten for you leeping room. Ees so bootiful, ees hard to beleeve. And no worry, crockydile no real. He no alive.
How you figure me no alive, Larry?... Me spit water everywheere.
...Me hope one day you become pair of boots.

Okay, Zeeba, Leesten...Me know you no scared of us because we dumb. Well, bad news for you. Now we got Fred. He smart guy. He going to intimidate you wid his words. You show heem, Fred.
ahem I look upon my crocodile brethren, I am reminded of the words of William Shakespeare, who said, to wit, "Here comes a pair of very strange beasts, which in all tongues are called fools." Thus, to you, my zebra friend, I offer my humblest apologies for these carnivorous imbeciles. They bring me...great shame.
...Dat not right speech.

Hullo. Gud day. Me gas guy. Me here to check gas meter. Peese let me een leeving room.
YOU'RE A CROCODILE WITH A BAG OVER YOUR HEAD. THE METER'S NOT IN THE LIVING ROOM. AND YOU SPELLED 'GAS' WRONG ON YOUR SHIRT.
Me cable guy.

MR. JOHNSON! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I WAS WORKING OUTSIDE AND SOMEONE JUST HIT ME FROM BEHIND... WHEN I WOKE UP, MY KID'S INFLATABLE POOL WAS GONE.
MY GOODNESS! THIS NEIGHBORHOOD'S JUST BECOMING TOO DANGEROUS... YOU SHOULD CONSIDER GETTING A GUARD DUCK, LIKE WE DID.
A GUARD DUCK? DO THOSE REALLY WORK?
YOU BET... COME SEE OURS.
DENY. DENY. DENY.

DUDE, LOOK...THAT STUPID PIG BOUGHT A GUARD DUCK.. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
DON’T GET TOO CLOSE, DUDE...HE MIGHT...HE MIGHT...QUACK!!
HAHAHAHA
...AND THEN I SNAPPED.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
I SENT HIM TO THE PET STORE TO BUY A GUARD DOG. OUR NEIGHBORHOOD'S BECOMING WAY TOO DANGEROUS.
WHO.. THOSE DOGS COST THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.. HOW YOU GONNA AFFORD THAT?
GEE, I DIDN'T KNOW THEY COST THAT MUCH.. WELL, I'M SURE PIG'LL FIND SOMETHING WITHIN OUR BUDGET.
...AND IF YOU SENSE TROUBLE, JUST QUACK.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, BEAR?
TODAY I SAW THE MOST DEPRESSING THING, PIG...
THAT'S NOT HERE. IT'S OURS...
I WALKED INTO A GIANT DEPARTMENT STORE AND THERE, IN THE CENTER OF THE STORE, WERE THE EMPLOYEES, FORCED BY THE OWNERS TO SHOUT A GROUP CHEER FOR THE STORE ISSUE, A CHEER FOR THEIR EMPLOYER...
AND I THOUGHT, HOW SAD IT IS TO BE A LOW-PAYING JOB WITH LOUSY BENEFITS THAT FORCES YOU TO SAY A CHEER FOR IT.
HOW HAVE WE ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN TO US? I MEAN SURE, WE NEED MORE JOBS, AND TIMES ARE TOUGH AND WE CAN'T BE TOO FUSSY, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF WHO WE ARE, CAN'T WE AT LEAST -- AT LEAST -- KEEP OUR DIGNITY?
HEY, GUYS, NOT SURE IF THIS IS A GOOD TIME OR NOT, BUT I REALLY THINK WE NEED TO START OPENING OUR MORNINGS HERE AT "PEARLS" WITH A LITTLE CHEER...
MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE"... RA-RA, PRAISE TO PEARLS... MY BRAIN IS SMALL. IT WHIRLS IN THE GRAND HALL. OH, PEARLS, THERE I BE... WITHOUT YOU TO GUIDE ME, I AM NOTHING... LOOK AT ME..."
BAD TIME, GUYS

WE WON'T MAKE IT, BOYS
...COUGH
COUGH
THE BOULDERS LANDED RIGHT ON US.
I ... CAN'T ... BREATHE ...
IF ANYONE SURVIVES, TELL MY WIFE AND KIDS I COULD LOVE THEM.
BOYS!! IT'S A MIRACLE!!
IT'S THE HAND OF GOD!!
DADDY’S COMING HOME, BABY!!!
DADDY’S COMING HOME!!
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S TAX RETURN.
CAN'T BE MINE, I PUT A PAPERWEIGHT ON IT.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR "NATIONAL REGISTRY OF SAND"?
I CLOSED IT DOWN. EVEN I FELT A LITTLE BAD IMAGINING SOME LOSER TAKING A JAR OF SAND TO A BAR AND TELLING CHICKS THAT ONE OF THE GRAINS IS NAMED AFTER HIM...
WELL, IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, I'M SURE THE FOLKS WHO PAID YOU JUST DID IT FOR A LITTLE FUN, THEY'RE NOT GONNA BE TAKING JARS OF SAND WITH THEM TO A BAR.
OH, THIS? ... IT'S NOTHING.

HEY, PHIL... I JUST PAID TO HAVE A GRAIN OF SAND NAMED AFTER ME YESTERDAY, BUT MY NEIGHBOR JUST TOLD ME YOU RE-NAMED THAT SAME GRAIN OF SAND AFTER HIM THIS MORNING.
OH NO NO NO. THIS ONE’S YOURS AND THIS ONE’S YOURS.
OHHHHH
AH YEAH HEH HEH HEH.
WOW. WHAT A MISUNDER-STANDING!
LISTEN, BOB... I’M SORRY FOR SHOOTING OUT YOUR CAR WIN-DOWS AND PUSHING YOUR WIFE INTO THE HEDGE.
YEAH, ME TOO, DAVE. I’M SORRY FOR BURNING DOWN YOUR GARAGE AND THROWING YOUR CLOTHES INTO THE TREE MULCHER.
NATIONAL REGISTRY OF SAND
I FEAR FOR HUMANITY.
NATIONAL REGISTRY OF SAND

EXCUSE ME, BUT COULD I INTEREST YOU IN HAVING A UNIQUE GRAIN OF THIS WORLD'S SAND NAMED AFTER YOU?
HOW DO YOU KEEP TRACK OF WHICH GRAIN IS NAMED AFTER WHICH PERSON?
I KEEP A LITTLE LIST IN THIS SPIRAL NOTEBOOK... SEE?
THAT SAYS, "MORONS I'VE FLEECED."
IGNORE THE TITLE.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT COULD I INTEREST YOU IN HAVING A UNIQUE GRAIN OF THIS WORLD'S SAND NAMED AFTER YOU? IT'S ONLY SIXTY BUCKS.
WHY SHOULD I DO THAT??
BECAUSE YOU'RE DUMB. AND VAIN. AND THOSE TWO QUALITIES MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO RECOGNIZE A FRAUDULENT SCAM WHEN YOU SEE ONE.
I'LL TAKE TEN.
YOU'RE A SMART MAN.

I HEARD RAT HAS STARTED SOMETHING CALLED "THE NATIONAL REGISTRY OF SAND"

YEAH, FOR $80, YOU CAN HAVE A GRAIN OF SAND NAMED AFTER YOU... HE DID THAT FOR STARS, SO RAT FIGURED HE'D DO SAND
...DOES HE REALLY THINK PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID THAT THEY'D PAY GOOD MONEY TO HAVE ONE GRAIN OF SAND NAMED AFTER THEM?
YEAH, YOU'D HAVE TO BE A PRETTY PATHETIC NOBODY TO PAY FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT...
WOW, SO IS THAT ONE "PIG"?... OR IS THAT ONE "PIG"?
YOURS IS THE TINY BROWN ONE