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I HEAR YOU GOT A JOB WRITING SYMPATHY CARDS FOR A GREETING CARD COMPANY.
YEAH. LISTEN TO THIS ONE. IT'S FOR PEOPLE WHO'VE LOST A MOTHER-IN-LAW.
"...THERE IS NOT MUCH
THAT CAN BE SAID
WHEN YOUR IN-LAW
WINDS UP DEAD..."
"...INTO YOUR LIFE
SHE ALWAYS POKED.
SO SMILE NOW,
FOR SHE HAS CROAKED."
SOMETIMES THERE'S
A FINE LINE BETWEEN
SYMPATHY AND OUTRIGHT
CONGRATULATIONS.

I GOT A JOB WRITING SYMPATHY CARDS.
HOW NICE. THOSE ARE VERY IMPORTANT. READ ME ONE.
"I hear that you've
lost someone dear.
Shake it off
and have a beer."
HOPE IT'S NOT TOO TOUCHY-FEELY.

SO DO YOU HAVE A WIFE, LEONARD?
SORT OF. WE'RE SEPARATED, BUT WE STILL SEE EACH OTHER BECAUSE WE WORK AT THE SAME PLACE.
SHE DRESSES UP AS A BEAR, TOO.?
YEAH... AND IT CAN BE A LITTLE AKWARD WHEN WE FIGHT.
YOU'RE NOTHING. YOU'RE A JOKE. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.
I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN YOUR BIG FAT HEAD.
LET'S GO HOME, HMM.

PIG, THIS IS LEONARD. HE HAS A BAD JOB AND NO-WHERE TO LIVE.
GEE, YOU HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS.
AH, IT'S NOT SO BAD.
HOW NICE... YOU'RE SO POSITIVE DESPITE YOUR TRAGIC CIRCUMSTANCE.
TRAGIC? WHAT'S SO TRAGIC?
A BEAR IS EATING YOU.
LEMME GUESS. THIS IS THE DUMB ONE IN THE STRIP.
BE BRAVE, MY DESPERATE FRIEND!!

HI... I'M LEONARD... I'M HERE ABOUT THE RENTAL.
HOLY MOTHER OF SASQUATCH! WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
OH, THIS? I WORK OVER AT KIDDIELAND. I'M "TIMOUL, THE SELF-ESTEEM-BUILDING BEAR."
SO YOU WALK AROUND THE PARK AND HELP KIDS BUILD THEIR SELF-ESTEEM?
MOSTLY, I JUST GET PUNCHED IN THE @#%!*
OOOHH... NO KIDS FOR LEONARD.

RAT SAYS THIS SIX ACTOR CAN'T MAKE ANY MORE MOVIES BECAUSE HE'S UNDER SIX FEET.
HE'S SIX FEET, UNDER.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
YOU SAID 'UNDER SIX FEET'.
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.
THE FORMER IS DEAD.
HOW DID THE FARMER DIE?
HOW DID THE FORMER FARMER DIE?
FORGET IT... ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS THAT THE LATTER IS TOO SHORT.
FELL OFF
HE FELL OFF?
THE LADDER.
WHAT?
THE LADDER.
NO ONE FELL OFF ANY LADDER!!
-HE WAS PUSHED?-
AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUHH!!
...I'D LIKE TO REPORT A SUSPICIOUS GOAT.

HI, I'M HERE ABOUT THE ROOM YOU'RE LEASING.
FINE... TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.
WELL, IN THE LAST MONTH, I LOST MY JOB, AND I LOST MY WIFE. ALL I GOT NOW IS MY PET SQUIRREL, MCGARRY, WHO I KEEP UNLEASHED AND TAKE WITH ME EVERYWHERE. HE'S ALL THIS LOSER HAS LEFT.
HONK! HONK! SCREEEECH!
THUMP THUMP
... AND THE WORST PART
IS, THAT SQUIRREL
JUMPED IN FRONT OF
THE BUS.

HI. I'M COLIN. I'D LIKE TO RENT THE ROOM YOU LISTED IN THE PAPER.
WELL, KEEP WALKIN', BIG GUY, 'CAUSE I'M NOT RENTING A ROOM TO A GUY NAMED 'COLON.'
IT'S 'COLIN!'
BEAT IT, COLON. YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE ROOM. AND IF YOU GOT A BROTHER NAMED 'URETHRA,' HE AIN'T GETTING IT EITHER.
...SOMEWHERE A CRUEL MOTHER IS LAUGHING.

Hi. I'm here to see the room you're subletting.
PREPARE TO GET FLEECED, SUCKER.
Forget it. I'm not interested anymore.
What? Why?
I READ THE THOUGHT BALLOON ABOVE YOUR HEAD IN THE FIRST PANEL.
Curse this cartoon life.

DUDE, WE'RE SHORT ON THE RENT AGAIN.
WELL, GEE, I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE MONEY.
THAT DOES IT... WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO SUBLET ONE OF THE ROOMS TO SOME DESPERATE LOSER LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO STAY.
I.... ALREADY LIVE HERE.
YOU COME FROM A LARGE TRIBE, MY FRIEND.

HOW ARE THE ELECTION RETURNS?
BAD... I LOST BIGTIME... AND IT'S ALL THAT STUPID PIG'S FAULT.
WHAT DID PIG DO?
I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO A BALLGAME TO KISS SOME BABIES AND THROW OUT THE FIRST BALL, BUT I COULDN'T MAKE IT, SO I SENT PIG IN MY PLACE.
BUT HOW DID THAT LOSE YOU THE ELECTION?
HOW? I'LL TELL YOU HOW...
"KISS"
AAAAH!!!

THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES
SIR... WHY SHOULD SOMEONE VOTE FOR YOU OVER RALPH NADER?
BECAUSE NADER IS A NUTBALL.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE IF YOU'LL RECALL, IT WAS ONLY A FEW DECADES AGO THAT RALPH NADER FORCED THE BIG THREE AUTO MAKERS TO MAKE CARS SAFER.
YEEEES, BUT IF YOU HATE OTHER PEOPLE AS MUCH AS I DO, YOU'LL SEE THAT THAT'S NOT NECESSARILY A GOOD THING.
...I'D LIKE FIVE MINUTES TO REBUT MYSELF.

DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DONG
TRICK OR TREAT!
HI, RAT.
HI, PIG.
HI!
HEY, GUYS, NOT TO BE A JERK ABOUT IT, BUT I HATE IT WHEN I GET TRICK-OR-TREATERS WHO DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO WEAR A COSTUME.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, BUT I JUST CAN'T GIVE YOU ANY CANDY... SEE YA...
... YOU STUPID MORON... I TOLD YOU THIS WAS A BAD IDEA...
... AND I WORKED SO HARD ON THESE...

THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES
LISTEN, RAT, THIS IS A LIST OF FAMOUS LINES FROM PAST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES... IF YOU GET IN TROUBLE, OR SAY SOMETHING DUMB, YOU MIGHT WANT TO USE ONE.
GOTCHA.
... MR. RAT...
WHY SHOULD SOMEONE VOTE FOR YOU OVER SENATOR KERRY?
WELL... MR. KERRY'S FIRST NAME IS JOHN, AND A "JOHN" IS WHAT WE CALL A MAN WHO'S BEEN PICKED UP IN A PROSTITUTION STING...
WHERE'S THE BEEF??

WELCOME TO C.N.N.'S "NEWSNIGHT"... HERE'S YOUR HOST, AARON BROWN...
WELCOME, FOLKS. TONIGHT WE EXPLORE THE CURIOUS PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDACY OF RAT...
TO BEGIN, LET'S START WITH "THE WHIP" AND OUR VERY OWN WOLF BLITZER, WHO'S STANDING BY WITH THE CANDIDATE IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
HAVE YOU BEEN A BAD BAD BOY, WOLFIE?
...PERHAPS I MISUNDERSTOOD THE CONCEPT.

SIR, IF ELECTED ON YOUR ANTI-FRENCH PLATFORM, WHAT ELSE WILL YOU TRY TO DO?
WELL, YOU'VE HEARD OF CHANGING "FRENCH FRIES" TO "FREEDOM FRIES"
BUT I'LL EXPAND THAT TO OTHER THINGS...
SUCH AS WHAT, SIR?
WELL, LARRY BIRD WILL NOW BE FROM "FREEDOM" LICK, INDIANA. MR. FRENCH, THE BUTLER FROM "A FAMILY AFFAIR," WILL NOW BE "MR. FREEDOM," AND A KISS INVOLVING TONGUE WILL NOW BE...
LEMME GUESS... A "FREEDOM KISS," SIR?
YES. AND COULD C.N.N.'S PAULA ZAHN PLEASE COME TO THE FRONT FOR A DEMONSTRATION?

SIR, AGAIN, YOU'VE MADE YOUR FEELINGS QUITE CLEAR ON FRANCE, BUT WHERE DO YOU STAND ON OTHER ISSUES? FOR EXAMPLE, ARE YOU PRO-CHOICE?
OHHHHHH NO NO NO NO NO. NOOOOOO. NOT AT ALL ...
AND WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE IN HIGH SCHOOL, THEY MADE US READ "ULYSSES" AND IT WAS THE MOST INCOMPREHENSIBLE CRAP I'VE EVER READ IN MY LIFE.
SIR...THAT'S JOYCE. I'M ASKING IF YOU'RE PRO-CHOICE.
WELL, IF I HAD A CHOICE, I WOULDN'T READ JOYCE.
...NEVER MIND.

RATS RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY
SIR, YOU'VE MADE YOUR FEELINGS
QUITE CLEAR ON FRANCE... BUT WHAT
ABOUT OTHER ISSUES, LIKE GUN
CONTROL?
I'M AGAINST GUN CONTROL... IN
FACT, I'M AGAINST ALL CONTROL...
MIND CONTROL, SELF CONTROL,
BIRTH CONTROL, REMOTE CONTROL AND
GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM.
...AND WE
THOUGHT
DEAN WAS
NUTS.
YAAAAAH

SIR, IN YOUR RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY, ARE YOU ACTUALLY ADVOCATING THE INVASION OF FRANCE?
THAT IS CORRECT.
BUT ON WHAT BASIS, SIR?
THE "OFFICIAL" REASON WILL BE THAT THE FRENCH POSSESS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION AND ARE CONTINUALLY HOSTILE TO U.S. INTERESTS.
AND THE UNOFFICIAL?
I WANT TO SHOVE THEIR CHAIN-SMOKING FACES INTO A PILE OF CROISSANTS.

GOOD TO BE HERE, TIM.
SIR-- SOME OF YOUR CRITICS SAY YOU'RE A RIGHT-WING NUT WHO'S HIDING BEHIND FLAG-WAVING PATRIOTISM TO DISTRACT US FROM HOW YOU'D REALLY GOVERN. HOW DO YOU RESPOND?
LIES, LIES AND MORE LIES. IN FACT, IF ELECTED, I WILL IMMEDIATELY WITHDRAW OUR TROOPS FROM IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN.
SO YOU'RE AGAINST THE WARS?
WELL, NO... TIM... I'M ACTUALLY IN FAVOR OF THEM.
THEN WHY WOULD YOU BE WITHDRAWING THE TROOPS?
BECAUSE I'LL NEED THEM.
FOR WHAT?
TO INVADE THE LAND OF THE ARROGANT, EFFEMINATE, CHEESE-SNIFFING WEASELS YOU CALL "FRANCE."
...CARE FOR A "FREEDOM FRY"?

HELLO, EVERYONE. I'VE CALLED THIS NEWS CONFERENCE TODAY TO MAKE A COUPLE OF ANNOUNCEMENTS. FIRST, I'D LIKE TO DECLARE MY CANDIDACY FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
SIR, DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE LATE TO BE GETTING INTO THE RACE?
NOT AT ALL. MY TEAM OF ADVISERS INFORMS ME THAT SIX MONTHS IS MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME TO PREPARE FOR ELECTION DAY.
SIR, THE ELECTION'S A WEEK FROM TUESDAY. BUT WHAT IS YOUR SECOND ANNOUNCEMENT?
THAT I HAVE FIRED MY TEAM OF ADVISERS.
NUTS.

AT THE STREET SIGN BAR...
YO, HANK. I GOT TO GET GOING OR I’LL CATCH HELL FROM THE OLD LADY.
GOTCHA, MAN... BUT YOU BETTER GIVE JIMMY A LIFT. HE AIN’T IN NO CONDITION TO BE DRIVING.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
LOOK AT HIM.
>UURR<

AT THE STREET SIGN BAR...
WHERE'S HANK, THE HIGH VOLTAGE SIGN, NOW?
WELL, THIS IS THE POINT IN THE NIGHT WHERE JUST ABOUT EVERY WOMAN IN THE BAR HAS REJECTED HIM, SO HE STARTS BEER GOGGLING.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHERE HE STARTS TO FIND WOMEN ATTRACTIVE JUST BECAUSE HE'S DRUNK.
YOU ARE SHERIOUSHLY... URP... HOT.

AT THE STREET SIGN BAR...
WHERE’S HANK, THE HIGH VOLTAGE SIGN?
HE’S TRYING TO PICK UP THOSE TWO LADIES AT THE END OF THE BAR.
IS HE HAVING ANY LUCK?
DOESN’T LOOK LIKE IT.
...AND WHEN I’M NOT AT MY SIX-FIGURE JOB, I’M USUALLY AT THE GYM, BENCHING AROUND 475.
WHATEVER
I AM LIKE... SOOO UNINTERESTED.

AT THE STREET SIGN BAR......
LOOK AT THAT STUPID GUY NEXT TO YOU. YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL "THRU TRAFFIC."
HEY, LEAVE HIM ALONE, MAN. THE WORD JUST DIDN'T FIT.
YEAH...LEAVE HIM ALONE, MAN...IT'S YOU THAT BE THE STUPID ONE.
HEY, LISTEN, "THRU-BOY." YOU BETTER TELL YOUR MORON FRIEND TO STAY OUT OF THIS. EVERYONE KNOWS HE'S THE DUMBEST GUY IN THE BAR.
HE'S RIGHT, HAL..... STAY OUT OF THIS.
BUT I IS SMART, GEORGE... I IS SMART.