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PEARLS MAILBAG
OUR NEXT READER ASKS, "I HEAR SOME CARTOONISTS USE GAG WRITERS. DO YOU?" ... WELL, YES, WE DO USE GAG WRITERS AT "PEARLS," BUT BECAUSE WE'RE A NEW STRIP, WE COULDN'T AFFORD MUCH.
THUS, WE GOT A REAL CHEAP GUY FROM PESHTIGO, WISCONSIN, NAMED LARRY... LARRY IS A FRIENDLESS, HOPELESS SOUL WITH AN UNPREDICTABLY DARK VIEW OF HUMAN NATURE. HE'S OBSESSED BY DEATH, AND YES, FOR THOSE OF YOU WONDERING, LARRY HAS A BAD MARRIAGE.
HERE'S ONE... A GUY GETS MARRIED... THEN HE DIES.
HEH HEH... GOOD ONE, LARRY.

PEARLS MAILBAG
TODAY'S LETTER IS FROM GEORGE W. BUS_ OF WASHINGTON, D.C., WHO WRITES, "YOURS IS THE BEST STRIP IN THE WASHINGTON POST...IF POSSIBLE, COULD YOU NAME ONE OF THE CHARACTERS 'GEORGE'?"
NO...WE CAN'T...AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?...
... OUR NEXT LETTER IS FROM STEPHAN PASTIS, OF GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA...

TODAY WE ANSWER SOME MORE READER MAIL. THIS READER ASKS, "PEARLS CAN BE SO DARK AND GRIM AT TIMES... IS THAT AN ACCURATE REFLECTION OF WHAT MR. PASTIS IS LIKE?"
...NO.
NO.

THE RAT AND PIG DEBATE
-AND IN CONCLUSION, I'D LIKE TO SAY THAT MY OPPONENT IS A BIG, DUMB FATHEAD. C'MON, PIG, DEFEND YOURSELF.
I WOULD, BUT YOU SAID ONE OF THE RULES WAS THAT I COULDN'T TALK.
YOU ARE CORRECT. AND YET... YOU TALKED. THUS, YOU HAVE PLAYED INTO MY TRAP AND VIOLATED SAID RULE... YOU ARE THEREFORE DISQUALIFIED... I AM TRIUMPHAL AND YOU, SIR, ARE AWASH IN SHAME.
OKAY.
MAY I GO HOME NOW?
WHOA, DUDE... NO NEED TO BE A POOR SPORT.

YOU AND I ARE GONNA HAVE
A DEBATE. DEBATES PROVE WHO
IS SMART AND WHO IS NOT...
HERE ARE THE RULES...
"PIG
CANNOT
TALK."
...AND JUST TO BE
FAIR, I'VE IMPOSED
A RESTRICTION ON
MYSELF ALSO.
"UPON COMPLETION
OF THE DEBATE,
RAT CANNOT
PERFORM A VICTORY
DANCE UPON PIG'S
HEAD."
...THAT'S A
MAJOR
CONCESSION.

WHAT CAN I GETCHA?
I'LL HAVE THE GRILLED CHICKEN SANDWICH….
boohoohoo
SONG4DEAD
B
boohoohoo
Boohoohoo
Boohoohooo
SNIFF SNIFF SNIFFLE
AND TO MY MOM, I BEQUEATH...SSNFFLE
Boohoohoo...MY…MY…OH!! Boohoohoohoo… Boohoohoohoo
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT…SHUT UP ALREADY…I WON'T GET THE CHICKEN…I'LL GET A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH INSTEAD…
YAY! YAY! OH JOY!! OH JOY!! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!
Boo hoo hoo
SNIFF SNIFF

Dear Tiger Woods,
Ever since that hot Swedish
model invaded your life and
got you to marry her, you
have not been winning as
many golf tournaments.
This raises an obvious question...
Could all this be the
work of Phil Mickelson?
P.S. Please tell Phil he
can destroy my golf game
any time he wants.

Hullo, zeeba neighba.
Leesten... What you got on chest?
They're colored ribbons. Each one symbolizes a zebra life cut tragically short by predators.
Dat too bad. Me wear one. Show me support you.
YOU'RE THE GUY WHO KILLED THEM.
Dis awkward moment.

WHAT'S IN THE BASKET?
MY "BISCUITS FOR IDYITS"... WHEN I SEE AN IDIOT, I PEG HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A STALE BISCUIT.
"JUDGE NOT, LEST YE BE JUDGED."
"SMACK"
"SPEAK NOT, LEST YE BE PEGGED."

WHAT'S IN THE BASKET?
my "BISCUITS FOR IDYITS"...WHEN I SEE AN IDIOT, I PEG HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A BISCUIT.
WHY DO YOU DO THAT?
'CAUSE I RAN OUT OF "WONDER BREAD" FOR DUNDERHEADS.

Okay, Zeeba neigh
ba... You push us
too fah. We get
Croczkylle mummy.
He scare you
into submesshun.
Scare heem, Vern.
Guys.. How’s Vern
supposed to
breathe without
an opening
over his snout?
Dat beeg waste of
toilet papah.

HEY THERE, RHONDA ROBIN... HOW GOES IT?
OH, WONDERFUL, PIG! I JUST HAD A HUGE, DELIGHTFUL, DENVER OMELET AND NOW I THINK I'LL GO HOME AND THROW UP.
THROW UP?
OH, YES... SO I CAN FEED IT TO MY KIDS.
WE NEED TO CALL SOCIAL SERVICES.

DEAR COMIC STRIP SYNDICATE EDITOR,
I DRAW A COMIC STRIP CALLED "BOCKIE THE COCKROACH." IT IS THE BEST COMIC STRIP SINCE "CALVIN AND HOBBES."
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO SYNDICATE IT.
YOU MAY BE PLEASED TO KNOW THAT I
HAVE DONE IN COMICS RESEARCH AND AM FULLY AWARE THAT THERE ARE CERTAIN SUBJECTS WHICH A COMIC STRIP TODAY MAY NOT MOCK...
THESE INCLUDE: RELIGION, RACE, ETHNICITY, SEXUAL ORIENTATION AND ANY PHYSICAL OR MENTAL ILLNESS.
THIS OF COURSE MEANS THAT THE LAST GROUP OF PEOPLE WE CAN SAFELY MOCK IN AMERICA ARE FAT, BALD, DUMB GUYS WHO HAVE PURCHASED THAT STUPID MOUNTED FISH THAT SINGS.
WITH THAT IN MIND, I HAVE MADE THAT ONE GUY THE BUTT OF ALL MY JOKES. THE RESULT IS PURE COMEDY. I HOPE YOU ENJOY!!
...NEW STRIP SUBMISSION, SIR
HANG ON, LARRY...
YOU GOTTA SEE THIS...

Dear Tiger Woods,
Ever since you married that hot Swedish wife of yours, your golf game has suffered.
Thus, in the interest of good golf, I have a suggestion to make...
GIVE ME YOUR WIFE.
TRUE TIGER FANS ARE ALWAYS WILLING TO TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.

RAT, THE LIFE COACH
...AND I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF CAREER I
— I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S REAL HARD TO TALK TO YOU DOING THAT…
HEY, LISTEN, PAL. I PLAY RACQUETBALL. AND IF I WANT TO PRACTICE AGAINST MY OFFICE WALL WHILE YOU YAP, I CAN...NOW KEEP GOING. I'M LISTENING.
WELL, OKAY... UH, LET'S SEE, WHERE WAS I...?
...BALL, PLEASE.

RAT, THE LIFE COACH
...AND WHEN MY WIFE DIED IN '92, MY LIFE TOTALLY FELL APART, AND I CAN'T GET IT BACK ON TRACK.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FARM ANIMAL?
WHAT'S THAT HAVE TO DO WITH MY WIFE?
NOTHING. WHY DO YOU ASK?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WAS DISCUSSING.
SORRY...I WASN'T LISTENING.

RAT, THE LIFE COACH
...AND REALLY, I BLAME MOST OF MY PROBLEMS ON MY PARENTS, WHO ALWAYS---I'M SORRY...BUT YOU JUST DON'T SEEM VERY SYMPATHETIC TO THE PROBLEMS OTHERS HAVE CAUSED ME.
NO ONE CARES
...YOU'RE VERY SENSITIVE.

RAT, THE LIFE COACH
...AND SO MY CAREER SEEMS TO BE
GOING NOWHERE AND MY GIRLFRIEND
AND I ARE HAVING SOME REAL
TRUST ISSUES AND...OH...ARE YOU
WRITING DOWN WHAT I'M SAYING?
YEAH. SO FAR I HAVE,
"BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. OH, SWEET JESUS, MAKE
HIM SHUT HIS MOUTH."
SORRY...THAT LAST NOTE
WAS MINE.

DID YOU HEAR RAT GOT A JOB AS A "LIFE COACH"?
WHAT'S A LIFE COACH?
THEY'RE THESE COUNSELORS WHO LISTEN TO YOUR PROBLEMS AND PROVIDE YOU WITH THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT YOU NEED TO SOLVE THEM AND ACHIEVE YOUR LIFE'S GOALS.
...YOU SURE RAT CAN DO THAT?
SURE. HOW HARD CAN IT BE?
COULD YOU BE A BIGGER LOSER?

HAVE YOU SEEN PIGITA LATELY?
I SAW HER TODAY AT THE RECEPTION.
WHAT RECEPTION?
HER WORK HAD ITS ANNUAL EMPLOYEE AWARDS BANQUET HELD IN THE BASEMENT OF A FERTILITY CLINIC AND PET CREMATORIUM.
HOW WAS IT?
IT WAS A LITTLE BORING, SO I SORT OF SNUCK AWAY TO SOME OF THE GAMES THE FAIR HAS.
HOW DID YOU DO?
I WON THAT GAME WHERE YOU SHOOT THE HOOPS AT THE TABLE, BUT THEY WOULDN'T GIVE ME MY PRIZE CUZ THEY SAID THEY RAN OUT.
YEAH...THAT PLACE HAS A BAD REPUTATION ABOUT PAYING OFF THE PRIZES.
WHAT?
I ENTERED THIS CONTEST FOR WHO COULD MAKE THE BEST BREAD DOUGH. THE WINNER WON HIS WEIGHT IN FREE PIES. JUDGES WOULDN'T GIVE ME THE PRIZE CUZ THEY SAID YOU CAN'T GIVE A PIE AS A PRIZE FOR MAKING BREAD.
ACTUALLY, IVE HEARD THAT IF YOU'RE PERSISTENT ENOUGH, THEY'LL LET YOU KEEP THE DOUGH CONSOLATION AWARD.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
THAT'S FAIR. THAT'S FAIR.
YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT. BUT IF YOU TRY SOMETIMES, YOU JUST MIGHT FIND, YOU GET WHAT YOU KNEAD.
AND

Dear Tiger Woods,
Ever since you got married to that hot Swedish model, you have not won as many golf tournaments.
Do you ever sit around the house in a stained undershirt and yell, “WOMAN!… YOU’RE DESTROYING ME!!…”?
…P.S. Let’s get a beer some time.

THIS BOOK SAYS THAT THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER CHILD.
DO I HAVE AN INNER CHILD?
YEP.
...I DON'T CARE WHAT HE TOLD YOU... YOU'RE TAKING OFF THAT MATERNITY DRESS.
WAIT! I FELT A KICK!

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
IT'S THE NEW THOMAS JEFFERSON BIOGRAPHY.
OH, GEE, I'D LOVE TO READ ABOUT THOSE FOUNDING FATHER GUYS, BUT I ALWAYS GET HUNG UP ON SOMETHING.
IS IT THE FACT THAT SO MANY OF THESE MEN WHO PROCLAIMED THE IMPORTANCE OF FREEDOM WERE ACTUALLY SLAVE OWNERS?
NO... IT'S THE FACT THAT IN THE 1770s, THERE WAS NO DEODORANT. THINK ABOUT IT... EVERYONE SMELLED.
I...I'LL BE LEAVING NOW.
I GUESS THE "MIRACLE IN PHILADELPHIA" WAS THAT NOBODY PASSED OUT.

HEY, RAT. HAVE YOU MET MY FRIEND, DAN?
HEY THERE...WHOA, DUDE. YOU'VE GOT SOME MAJOR INK MARKS ON YOUR JACKET.
OH, I KNOW. I WROTE ON IT... IT SAYS, "I AM SO HAPPY," "I AM SO MAD," AND "MAN, AM I BUMMED."
DAN LIKES TO WEAR HIS FEELINGS ON HIS SLEEVE.

DID YOU EVER NOTICE HOW EVERY TIME THE NEWS DISCUSSES AL-QAEDA, THEY SHOW THE SAME TRAINING VIDEO WHERE THESE MORONS SWING ON MONKEY BARS?
I MEAN, IT MAKES YOU WONDER, IF THESE IDIOTS THOUGHT SWINGING ON MONKEY BARS WAS INTIMIDATING ENOUGH TO PUT ON THEIR VIDEO, WHAT SHOTS DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT?
NO PUSH ME, AHMED.
YAY!
NO! NO! CUT!