Pearls Before Swine | Search

DEAR MISTER LION,
I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU HUNT AND EAT ZEBRAS. BUT EVEN WORSE IS THE FACT THAT YOU DO IT WITH IMPUNITY.
DEAR ZEBRA,
I DO NOT HUNT WITH IMPUNITY.
I HUNT WITH LARRY.
P.S. YOU'D LIKE LARRY.
HE'S GOOD PEOPLE.
SIGH.........

WHAT'S WITH THE BROKEN LINE AROUND THE STRIP TODAY?
PASTIS SAYS IT'S TO HELP PEOPLE THAT MAY WANT TO CUT THE STRIP OUT OF THE PAPER.
WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
IN CASE WE'RE REALLY FUNNY TODAY AND THEY WANT TO PUT US ON THEIR REFRIGERATOR OR SOMETHING.
...THAT SILENCE YOU HEAR IS FOUR MILLION PAIRS OF SCISSORS NOT MOVING.

HEY... WHERE'S OUR T.V.?
GONE... WE WERE ROBBED.
ROBBED?... BUT HOW DID THEY GET IN?
THIRD PANEL.
WE GOTTA GET THAT FIXED.

HEY, WHERE ARE OUR PANELS TODAY?
PASTIS TOOK THEM TO GET WASHED, SO I'M JUST PASSING TIME IN FRONT OF THE T.V.
BUT THERE'S NO PICTURE.
I KNOW... SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG WITH THE T.V.
HERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.

GOOD MORNING, PIG-- WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO OUR PLACE??
IT'S NEWSPRINT. IT'S FROM THE PAGE DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM US.
MAN, I HATE LIVING IN THE FUNNIES.

I'M TRYING TO WRITE A CHECK, BUT I DON'T KNOW THE DATE.
HANG ON... I'LL GET THE LADDER...
THE NINTH.

SMACK
WHAT WAS THAT??
THE PAPERBOY JUST TOSSED US ON THE PORCH.
MAN, I HATE LIVING IN A NEWSPAPER.

I THINK THAT BEFORE WE'RE BORN, WE'RE IN SOME KIND OF PARADISE.
THEN WE'RE DROPPED DOWN HERE TO LIVE. BUT WE'RE USED TO PARADISE, SO THIS PLACE IS VERY PAINFUL.
TO EASE THE PAIN, WE'RE GIVEN TWO THINGS: MUSIC AND HUMOR. BUT OTHER THAN THAT, WE'RE ON OUR OWN.
ON OUR OWN... TO DEAL WITH THE LONELINESS AND THE TRAGEDY AND THE STUPIDITY.
YOU LEFT OUT CORNDOGS.
CORNDOGS?
CORN DOGS EASE THE PAIN.
... I COULD USE A CORNDOG.

HOW MUCH?
FOR WHAT?
THE GARAGE.
IT'S NOT FOR SALE.
GOT SOMETHING AGAINST PIGS?

... AND WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU TWO, TONIGHT?
I'D LIKE YOUR LOBSTER SPECIAL.
AND I'LL TAKE YOUR SOLE.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHH
MAYBE YOU SHOULD ORDER SOMETHING ELSE.

HI, STUTTERING BOB. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'VE SEEN MY BUDDY SATAN… HE'S LOOKING TO BUY A TUX AND I TOLD HIM YOU WERE THE BEST TAILOR IN TOWN.
HI, RAT… DA DA DEVIL IS IN DA DA DRESSING ROOM TRYING ON DA DIFFERENT STYLES.
WHICH ONES HE TRYING ON NOW?
DA DA DEVIL IS IN DA DA TAILS.

WOW, PIG... THANKS FOR MAKING SUCH A GREAT DINNER... LET'S DIG IN.
WAIT A MINUTE, RAT... WE HAVE A GUEST TONIGHT... MAYBE HE'D LIKE TO SAY GRACE FIRST.
THAT'S OKAY.

SO WHAT REMODELING WORK ARE YOU DOING BACK HOME?
WE'RE PAVING THE MAIN ROAD WITH THIS SPECIAL ASPHALT MADE BY THOMAS GOOD AND THE CHIN BROTHERS.
WHO ARE THEY?
GOOD'S AN ASPHALT SPECIALIST AND THE CHINS ARE THESE TEN BROTHERS... TOGETHER THEY DESIGNED A SPECIAL ASPHALT THEY NAMED AFTER THEMSELVES.
SO THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH...
...GOOD AND TEN CHIN'S.

PIG, THIS IS MY OLD FRIEND, SATAN... HE'S GONNA STAY WITH US FOR A FEW DAYS.
STAY WITH US?... WHY?
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND... I'M HAVING MY PLACE REMODELED.
WHY ARE YOU RE-MODELING?
IT LOOKS LIKE HELL.

THE GREAT
AMERICAN NOVEL
BY Rat
The sea was filled with angry monkeys.
THAT IS THE DUMBEST OPENING LINE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A NOVEL...
IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE AND LACKS ANY SORT OF CONTEXT.
"Kaboom," went the coastal monkey factory.

WHAT HAPPENED? WHY AM I IN THE HOSPITAL?
YOU GOT BANGED UP JUMPING OFF THE ROOF.
BUT HOW COULD THAT HAPPEN?! I WAS A BUTTERFLY. BUTTERFLIES CAN FLY.
DUDE... YOU RAN SMACK INTO THE...
...MOON.
WOW... THE...
...
GET SOME SLEEP, YOU DUMB PIG.

...SO THAT DUMB PIG IS DRESSED LIKE A CATERPILLAR, AND EVERY MORNING, HE GETS UP, RUNS TO THE MIRROR, AND CHECKS FOR BUTTERFLY WINGS.
HOW SAD.
YEAH. IT GOT SO PATHETIC THAT LAST NIGHT I TAPED LITTLE PAPER WINGS TO HIS BACK.
WOW. THAT'S THE FIRST KIND THING YOU'VE EVER DONE FOR THAT PIG.
I CAN FLY!

Dear Diary,
I am still a caterpillar... I am beginning to think I will never become a butterfly.
Rat says this makes me a "self-loathing" caterpillar, which he says is no different than a "self-loathing pig. But that's not true...
...I have more legs.

Dear Diary,
Today I asked Zebra to check my back for butterfly wings. He did not find any.
He did, however, find a sticky note that said, "Kick me"
It's a start.

Dear Diary,
Today was my first day as a caterpillar...Unfortunately, I did not become a butterfly.
I was, however, picked up by a crow, who dropped me into her nest, snapping the branch, flattening the nest and squashing all of her once-happy family.
Sometimes it pays to be fat.

Dear Diary,
Sometimes it is so depressing to be me. But I think there is hope, because today I learned that ugly caterpillars become beautiful butterflies.
God helps those who help themselves.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE ON THE CURB?
I'M WAITING FOR HAPPINESS TO FIND ME.
YOU STUPID PIG... WHAT DO YOU THINK-- THAT THERE'S SOME SMILING GUY WITH A FLAG THAT SAYS 'MR. HAPPINESS' WHO'S GONNA WHIZ BY ON HIS SCOOTER AND HAND OUT HAPPINESS TO ANYONE HE SEES??
WELL, UH... HEE HEE... WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, I GUESS IT DOES SOUND SORTA DUMB.
YOU BET IT'S DUMB. NOW GET INSIDE BEFORE YOU EMBARRASS US IN FRONT OF THE NEIGHBORS.
OKAY.

GOAT SAYS YOU'RE A FOLK SINGER FOR THE FAR RIGHT.
YES... THIS NEXT SONG RIPS ALL THOSE ENVIRON-MENTAL NUTBALLS WHO THINK OIL SPILLS ARE BAD.
YOUR SONG IS "PRO-OIL SPILL"?
YEAH... IT'S CALLED "MAYBE YOUR DUCKY LIKES SWIMMING IN MUCKY."
... MAKES YOU THINK, DON'T IT?

I CAN'T
BELIEVE YOU'RE
A FOLK SINGER
FOR THE FAR
RIGHT.
WELL, THAT SHOWS
HOW DUMB YOU
ARE, BECAUSE
IT'S A TOTALLY
UNTAPPED MARKET.
THIS NEXT SONG'S CALLED,
"IF YOU'RE NOT WHITE,
AND YOU TALK FUNNY,
WE'LL DROP BOMBS
RIGHT ON YOUR BUNNY."
BUNNY?
"CAMEL"
DIDN'T
RHYME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, RAT?
I'M JOHNNY-ON-TOP, FOLK SINGER FOR THE FAR RIGHT.
THE FAR RIGHT?
YES. FOLK SINGERS ARE ALWAYS LIBERAL PANSIES, BUT NOT ME... I SING FOR MY FELLOW CONSERVATIVES.
...CARE TO HEAR, "SHOOT THE HIPPIE OUT OF THE REDWOOD TREE"?