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CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND?
I RECOMMEND YOU GIVE ME YOUR ORDER BEFORE I LOSE MY PATIENCE AND PUSH YOU OVER IN YOUR CHAIR.
...I'M HOPING THAT WON'T AFFECT MY TIP.

HELLO, SIR... CAN I TAKE YOUR— OH... ARE YOU EAT- ING ALONE TONIGHT?
YEAH... WHY?
OH. WELL, WE REQUIRE OUR FRIENDLESS CUST- OMERS TO WEAR THIS SHIRT AND HAT. THE "L" STANDS FOR "LOSER" BUT IT CAN ALSO STAND FOR "LONELY," "LOVELESS," OR "LAUGHABLE."
ARE YOU ***@!!% KIDDING ME??! YOU THINK I'M GONNA WEAR THAT INSULTING %**@!!?
WHAT'S ALL THE COMMOTION ?

THAT RESTAURANT ON FOURTH STREET IS HIRING WAITERS.
YEAH, I HEARD...I GUESS THEY DON'T PAY VERY WELL, SO THEY'RE HAVING TROUBLE FINDING SOMEONE GOOD.
WELL, I HOPE THEY UP THE PAY SCALE BECAUSE I'D HATE TO SEE THAT PLACE RUINED BY BAD SERVICE.
...IF YOU ASK FOR ONE MORE WATER REFILL, I WILL BREAK YOUR @%@*?@# KNEES.

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?
ME AND SOME OF THE PIG BUDDIES ARE GONNA GO TO THE FOOTBALL GAME AND SEE IF WE CAN GET THE T.V. CAMERAS TO SHOW US.
YOU THINK YOUR BIG BRAIN CAN P-R-O-P-O-S-E A COMPLICATED STUNT LIKE THAT?
HAAHAHA..YES..YES I DO.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, MORON...NOW RUN ALONG AND GO FREEZE YOUR LITTLE PIG BUTT OFF.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE OUR CLOTHES ON, IDIOT.
LATER...
WELCOME TO TODAY'S GAME, FANS, WHERE THE LOCAL FANS HAVE TURNED OUT IN FORCE..WHAT DO YOU THINK, BOB?
YEEEES, DAVE, THEY SURE HAVE..IN FACT, IF WE CAN GET THE CAMERAS TO OUR LEFT, YOU WILL SEE SOME ESPECIALLY FERVENT FANS IN SECTION 'H,' WHO ARE USING THEIR CHESTS TO SPELL OUT THE WORDS...
OH, LORD.
BRILLIANT IDEA, BOB.
STUPID @#$%&*! PIGS.
SIR...WE'VE GONE OFF THE F.C.C. CHART.

That's him, officer.
C'mon, pal... you're coming with us.
Good-bye, Pins.
Goodbye, Pig... never have so many owed so much to one pig.
Remember! Always give your best, never get discouraged, never be petty... always remember, others may hate you, but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them.
SMACK!
I can't look.
Is it the cruelty?
The inhumanity?
No, no... it's the seven-ten split.

LISTEN, PIG. WE APPRECIATE YOU'RE TRYING TO PROTECT US, BUT IT'S JUST NO USE. WE'RE BOWLING PINS. WE'RE DOOMED.
OH, PIG. WE'VE LONG SINCE GIVEN UP HOPE OF "FAIR." FOR REASONS WE'LL NEVER TRULY UNDERSTAND, GOD HAS SEEN FIT TO CONSIGN US TO A LIFE OF ENDLESS UPS AND DOWNS, THE PERENNIAL VICTIMS OF THE COLD AND UNFEELING, BEER-DRINKING BOWLING-SHOE-WEARING MASSES...
INCOMING!!!
SIR, YOU CAN'T THROW THREE BOWLING BALLS AT THE SAME TIME.
SORRY, DUDE... DIDN'T KNOW THE RULES.

ERWIN, DID YOU PUT THESE PINS IN THE BACK ALLEY?
NO, BOSS..I'VE BEEN TOO BUSY IN HERE WITH THAT PIG WHO REFUSES TO BOWL. NOW HE'S LYING DOWN IN FRONT OF THE PINS.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? SO NOW NO ONE WILL BOWL IN THAT LANE FOR FEAR OF HURTING THAT STUPID PIG??
WELL, ALMOST NO ONE.
ALRIGHT, NOW...IF I NAIL YOU IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD, WE'RE CALLING IT A SPARE.

THE REVENGE OF THE BOWLING PINS
OKAY GUYS, THAT WAS MY COUSIN TONY ON THE PHONE. THE HIT ON THE NIGHT MANAGER IS GOING DOWN TONIGHT.
HOW THEY GONNA DO IT?
THEY'RE GONNA MEET HIM IN THE BACK ALLEY AS HE GETS INTO HIS CAR... AND THEY'VE GOT NUMBERS. THEY'RE BRINGING AT LEAST TWENTY PINS...
HEH HEH HELL, NO WAY HE'LL GET AWAY FROM THOSE TWENTY PINS. THOSE GUYS ARE FEARLESS ASSASSINS.
PLEASE STOP KICKING US OVER... IT HURTS, AND IT'S EMBARRASSING.
CALL HIM NAMES! SOMEONE CALL HIM NAMES!!

LISTEN, FELLAS, YOU NEED TO SPEED UP YOUR GAME...I GOT PEOPLE WAITING FOR LANES.
THE DUMB PIG WON'T BOWL...HE'S AFRAID HE'LL HURT THE PINS.
LISTEN, SIR...I'M THE NIGHT MANAGER OF THIS BOWLING ALLEY, AND I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THE PINS ARE INANIMATE OBJECTS. THEY FEEL NOTHING. YOU CAN KNOCK THEM DOWN WITHOUT GUILT OR FEAR OF RETRIBUTION.
...ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF PAYING TONY'S COUSIN TO DISCREETLY WHACK THE NIGHT MANAGER, SAY "AYE."
AYE!
AYE!
AYE!

BOWL, YOU STUPID PIG.
I CAN'T... I DON'T WANT TO HURT THEM.
LISTEN, MORON... THEY'RE BOWLING PINS, NOT LIVING THINGS... THEY DON'T THINK... THEY DON'T FEEL PAIN. NOW BOWL, BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD.
HE'S PUNCHING HIM IN THE HEAD.
DO SOMETHING, BOB!
GIMME A BREAK, NADINE... I'VE GOT NO ARMS OR LEGS!
COWARD.

THE DEATH OF GROG PART 1 "Coping with the Death of an Unloved One"
IT'S ONLY BEEN A WEEK, AND ALREADY I'VE FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT HIM.
DON'T SAY THAT. IT'S AWFUL. I'M ACTUALLY TRYING TO EXPAND THIS STRIP.
GUYS! GUYS! STOP YOUR WEEPING. LOOK. SEE THE UPSIDE. WE'VE CLEARED THE BENCH OF YOUR INANE JOKES AND RIPPOFF OF PEARLS BEFORE SWINE RIPPOFFS. NEW BLOOD. NEW IDEAS. YOU NEEDED ME. ADMIT IT. YOU NEEDED ME.
(CRICKETS)
WHAT'S MATTER? DON'T YOU MISS ME? AND FOR YOU STEPHAN, YOU'RE A ONE-HIT WONDER. HOW MANY STRIPS THAT STAND THE TEST OF TIME HAVE YOU WRITTEN?
HELLO, FRIEND.
HI. YOUR BEING GONE HAS MADE US REALIZE THAT IT'S THE CHARACTERS HE WRITES ARE THE FUNNY ONES...
...AND NOT ONLY THAT...WE LOOK BACK AND REALIZE THERE WERE SUBTLE NUANCES TO YOUR STRIPS...LAYERS TO YOUR INANE JOKES, YOU KNOW...YOUR INSULTS, YOUR LOUDMOUTH, POPOMOUS, MALCONTENT...
I'M WHAT? HUH? YOU FORGOTTEN WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO? I'M RAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M PLAYING WITH THESE GRAINS OF RICE. I PRETEND EACH OF THEM IS A DIFFERENT PERSON... RIGHT NOW, WE'RE ALL ABOUT TO CELEBRATE BECAUSE BOBBY RICE HERE JUST MARRIED SUSIE RICE...
.......WHAT'S THE HOLD-UP?
WE HAVE NOTHING TO THROW.

HI THERE, PAL. I'M PIG. I DON'T THINK WE'VE MET.
I'M AL... I'M FROM DENVER. JUST HERE ON A BUSINESS TRIP.
BUSINESS, HUH? WELL, YOU MUST BE DOING A GRRRREAT JOB 'CAUSE YOUR OMELETTES ARE EVERYWHERE!!
WELL, WHADDYA KNOW. I'M LATE FOR MY PLANE.
HEEEY... GOT ANY FREEBIES IN YOUR BRIEFCASE?

WOULD YOU CARE FOR A CUP OF COFFEE?
IF IT NEEDED ME AND NO OTHER FAMILY MEMBER WOULD TAKE IT IN.
...IS THAT A "YES"?!
YES!
SIIIIIIIGH...

HEY THERE, PAL... I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET... WHERE YOU FROM?
I'M JUSTIN... FROM CHICAGO.
SO YOU JUST GOT HERE?
ACTUALLY, I'VE LIVED HERE FOR ABOUT SIX MONTHS NOW.
UH... I CAUGHT YOU IN A FIBBY FIB... FIRST, YOU SAID YOU WERE JUST IN. THEN, YOU SAID YOU'D BEEN HERE FOR SIX MONTHS. WHICH IS IT, MR. 'PULL THE WOOL OVER MY NOSE'?
EYES.
EYES? NOW THERE'S A CRYPTIC ANSWER.

HI... CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, UH, MY SOCIAL LIFE HAS BEEN PRETTY SAD AND LONELY AS OF LATE, AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD GIVE ME SOME TIPS FOR MEETING WOMEN...
SIR...
MA'AM?
THE DEPARTMENT OF SOCIAL SERVICES IS NOT HERE TO IMPROVE YOUR SOCIAL LIFE.
OH...
HEEEY, YOU DOING ANYTHING THIS FRIDAY?

LOOK, GOAT, I'M WRITING A BIOGRAPHY OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
YOU KNOW, PIG, WHEN YOU WRITE A BIOGRAPHY, IT HAS TO BE WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE STUFF UP.
OH... I KNOW THAT... HEH HEH HEH...
GOOD... WELL, I'LL SEE YA...
"@&#*!!!", YELLED LINCOLN, "WHO DINGED MY VOLVO WITH THIS GROCERY CART?"

HELLO, READERS. TODAY WE DIVE INTO THE "PEARLS" MAILBAG TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS. THIS ONE COMES TO US FROM NED THE NERVOUS. HE WRITES, "HAS ANY 'PEARLS' CHARACTER EVER SMILED?"
TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION, WE ASKED PIG HERE TO CONDUCT AN EXHAUSTIVE REVIEW OF THE "PEARLS" ARCHIVES. AFTER WEEKS OF RESEARCH, PIG HERE HAS THE ANSWER...
NO.
I DUNNO. IT JUST HASN'T HAPPENED.
FINE, THEN...I'LL SMILE. HOW HARD CAN IT BE?
MAYDAY! MAYDAY! SHE'S GOING DOWN! HOLD 'ER!
MAN THE LIFEBOATS!
FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!
BOOM
Pearls Programming Note: Join us next week for a very special Sunday strip: "Coping With the Death of an Unloved One."
HE NEVER SHOULD HAVE TRIED IT.
CAN'T SAY I BLAME HIM... BEER, THAT IS...

I'M NERVOUS. I HAVE TO GIVE A SPEECH IN FRONT OF A LOT OF PEOPLE.
JUST REMEMBER... EVERYONE IN THAT AUDIENCE PUTS THEIR PANTS ON ONE LEG AT A TIME.
WHAT? THEY DON'T JUMP OFF THEIR BED AND TRY TO LAND BOTH FEET IN THE HOLES, MISSING OVER AND OVER UNTIL THEY BREAK BOTH ANKLES AND HAVE TO GO PANTLESS?
WHO DO YOU KNOW THAT DOES THAT?
...I'VE HEARD STORIES.

Pig, this is Stephan... listen, I just want you to know I'm writing Leonard out of the strip.
What? The guy in the bear suit? How can you do that?
Because there's just no licensing potential for a cynical divorced guy dressed in a bear costume.
But how you gonna get rid of him?
I'm not sure yet... I'M ACTUALLY A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW, SO I ASKED RAT TO LOOK INTO SOME SCENARIOS THAT ARE FUNNY, YET DESIGNED AND RESPECTFUL... I'M HOPING HE'LL COME THROUGH FOR ME.
LEONARD GOT HIS HEAD STUCK IN THE TOILET AND DROWNED.
Pig? Pig? Are you there? Pig?

RAT? WHERE ARE YOU?
I JUST LEFT THE DOC'S OFFICE. I GOT ME SOME OF THAT LIPOSUCTION.
WOW. DID IT GO OKAY?
WELL, SORT OF... THE MACHINE'S NOT REALLY EQUIPPED TO SUCK OUT 6,000 POUNDS IN ONE SITTING, SO IT MALFUNCTIONED A LITTLE, AND THEY HAD SOME TROUBLE SHUTTING IT DOWN.
YOU GONNA BE OKAY?
OH, YEAH... I CAN DO EVERYTHING I USED TO...
...EXCEPT WHEN THE WIND BLOWS.

RAT TAKES ON THE "ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT" BUFFET
SIR, THE RATS CLEANED OUT THE ENTIRE BUFFET. THE SALAD BAR, THE ROAST BEEF, THE BAD PIZZA, THE MASHED POTATOES. EVERYTHING.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID ALL THIS JUST BECAUSE WE TOWED HIS CAR. HE'S DESTROYED THE RESTAURANT... HE'S GOTTA KNOW HE OVERREACTED, AND SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE, THAT'S GOTTA BOTHER HIM... I MEAN, WHAT ELSE CAN HE BE THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?
MURRAY'S TUXEDOS? YEAH, I THINK I'LL NEED A REFITTING...

SIR, I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO GET US BACK FOR TOWING YOUR CAR, BUT BELIEVE ME, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO EAT OUR ENTIRE BUFFET.
DUDE, I WON'T EVEN LEAVE A CROUTON.
HOW 'BOUT WE JUST PAY YOUR IMPOUND FEE AND CALL IT EVEN?
HOW 'BOUT YOU WAIVE YOUR FEE SO I CAN GO CLEAN OUT YOUR AU GRATIN POTATOES?!
FINE, IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT!
YOU BET THAT'S THE WAY I WANT IT! AND THAT'S NOT ALL I WANT!
OH?! WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?!
A PUSH.

HEY, THERE, RAT... I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED THIS "ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT" BUFFET.
I DON'T. I HATE IT.
THEN WHY DO YOU HAVE ALL THAT FOOD?
'CAUSE I WENT TO THE SHOE STORE YESTERDAY AND USED ONE OF THE RESTAURANT'S PARKING SPACES AND THE @#$#%@#'S HAD MY CAR TOWED... SO I'VE PAID THE $8.95 BUFFET FEE AND NOW I'M GOING TO CLEAN THESE @#$#%@#'S OUT.
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO HIT THE JOHN.

UPDATE
DICKIE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
NO, DICKIE, NO... BAD DICKIE... YOU CANNOT SLAP DUCT TAPE OVER ONE OF THE OTHER COMIC STRIP CHARACTERS... YOU TAKE THAT OFF NOW, DICKIE!
HEY! I DON'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HER. WE DO NOT COVER UP OTHER COMICS' PAGES, AND WE DO NOT DO IT WITH DUCT TAPE NOW, DICKIE!!!
I TELL YOU TWO WAY, BECAUSE MUSLIMS AND COFFEE PRICES BEEN GOIN' THRU THE ROOF, AND SEE THAT LITTLE CHARACTER OF A STRIP THAT BEEN AROUND TEN YEARS AGO AND YEARS HAS DUCT TAPE OVER HER MOUTH AND CAN NO LONGER EVEN TALK!
AND WHADDYA THINK THEY'RE GONNA THINK OF YOUR LITTLE WRAP, HUH? DICKIE? HUH? WHADDYA THINK THEY'RE GONNA THINK THEN??!!
THIS IS THE BEST "CATHY" I'VE SEEN IN TWENTY-FIVE YEARS.