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IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT MILLIONS OF STUDENTS AROUND THIS COUNTRY ARE CHEATING IN THEIR ENGLISH COURSES BY SKIPPING THE ASSIGNED READING AND GOING TO WEB SITES LIKE SPARKNOTES TO PURCHASE CANNED BOOK REPORTS ON THE LITERATURE.
THIS.
IS.
WRONG.
WHY IS IT WRONG? BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING OVERCHARGED.
THAT'S RIGHT.
SO SINCE THAT RAT HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO READ ALL OF THESE BOOKS, I OFFER YOU HAND-WRITTEN BOOK REPORTS TO YOU FOR THE ROCK-BOTTOM PRICE OF JUST $1 PER REPORT.
THESE OUTSTANDING BOOK REPORTS IS PRINTED BELOW.
CUT IT OUT, TURN IT IN AND TELL OUR ENGLISH TEACHER HOW A CRUMMY INTERNET SITE MADE ESL LAME TO READ.
THEY EASY, NON-VIOLENT, INFINITELY BETTER.
ALL Quiet on the Western Front
Had come for the
BELL TOLLS
more guy. Guy dies.
THE GREAT GATSBY
no war. Guy dies.
Death of a Salesman
Guy dies.
The Grapes of Wrath
Two guys die.
JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE'LL TACKLE THOSE PESKY HISTORY BOOKS!
NOW...
GO BACK TO YOUR NINTENDO!!!

HI, MR. PASTIS. PIG SAYS YOU CALLED.
YEAH, LISTEN, RAT... I FIRED YOUR PAL, TOBY, TODAY... THERE'S JUST NO LICENSING POTENTIAL FOR AN AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE...
NO LICENSING POTENTIAL? HA, I KNEW YOU WERE A SELL-OUT, PASTIS! SO MUCH FOR YOUR BIG-TALKING "I'LL BE JUST LIKE BILL WATTERSON AND NEVER MASS-MARKET MY CHARACTERS' ACT," YOU HYPOCRITICAL WEASEL!
YOU'RE REALLY JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.

GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, TOBY THE AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE. HE FEARS PUBLIC PLACES, SO HE STAYS IN HIS SHELL AND DRINKS FROM A BEER BONG.
IT'S...
NICE...
TO...
MEET...
POUR POUR POUR POUR
FOOOOOOSHHHH
GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG
UUUUUUUUURP
YOU.
NUTS.
PASSED OUT AGAIN.

JUST BECAUSE TOBY THE AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE IS AFRAID OF PUBLIC PLACES IS NO REASON FOR HIM TO LIVE IN HIS SHELL AND GUZZLE FROM A BEER BONG.
... I THINK THAT LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL AND MAYBE WITH HELP, TOBY CAN REALIZE THAT, TOO.
HIYAAA!!
TOBY REJECTS YOUR THEORY.

...SO YOU POUR THE BEER IN THIS FUNNEL AND IT RUSHES DOWN THE TUBE INTO TOBY'S MOUTH.
BUT BEER ISN'T THE ANSWER. TOBY NEEDS TO KNOW THAT BEER ISN'T THE ANSWER.
SMACK!
TOBY IS NOT IN THE MOOD FOR YOUR LECTURE.

TOBY THE AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE IS AFRAID OF PUBLIC PLACES. THAT'S WHY HE STAYS IN HIS SHELL.
BUT ISN'T HE BORED?
NOT REALLY. HE HAS HIS BEER. AND THAT MAKES HIM HAPPY.
BUT HOW'S HE SUPPOSED TO GET BEER DOWN IN THERE?
TOBY WOULD LIKE YOU TO HOLD HIS BEER BONG.

I'D LIKE YOU GUYS TO MEET MY FRIEND, TOBY THE AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE.
AGORAPHOBIC? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
HE'S AFRAID OF SWEATERS.

I HEAR YOUR ZEBRA HERD HAS STARTED AN "ADOPT- A-ZEBRA" PROGRAM.
WHAT FOR?
WE SEND ZEBRAS INTO THE HOMES OF CROCODILE FAMILIES.
IT'S SORT OF A CULTURAL EXCHANGE. WE FIGURE THAT IF THEY GET TO KNOW US PERSONALLY AND LEARN ABOUT OUR CULTURE, THEY'RE LESS LIKELY TO EAT US.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WE THINK YOU TASTE GOOD.
BUT ISN'T THAT DANGEROUS?
NOT REALLY. THE PROGRAM CONTAINS MANY RULES. FOR EXAMPLE, THE CROCODILE FAMILY NEVER CAUSES HARM TO THEIR ADOPTED ZEBRA.
WHAT A WONDERFUL IDEA.
WE THINK IT'S DUMB.
SO THEN HE INTERRUPTS OUR GAME TO TALK ABOUT "ZEBRA HISTORY MONTH," AND LARRY HERE SAYS, HOW 'BOUTS WE MAKE HIM ZEBRA HISTORY?, AND WE ALL STARTED LAUGHING AND JOKING AND... AW, GEE, HONEY, I GUESS YOU JUST HAD TO BE THERE.

WHY AREN'T YOU AT THE PIZZA PARLOR?
I CLOSED IT DOWN. THE "TRADE-IN-YOUR-HUSBAND-FOR-A-PIZZA" PROMOTION WAS WAY TOO POPULAR.
BUT WHY'D YOU HAVE TO CLOSE IT DOWN??
BECAUSE WHEN IT WAS OPEN, THEY JUST WOULDN'T STOP BRINGING IN THEIR HUSBANDS... I FIGURED THIS WAS THE ONE WAY TO STOP THEM.

I HEAR RAT'S GONNA END THE PIZZA PARLOR PROMOTION WHERE WOMEN CAN TRADE IN THEIR HUSBANDS FOR A PIZZA.
YEAH... HE'S GOT NO CHOICE... THE PROMOTION GOT SO POPULAR, HE RAN OUT OF PIZZA.
HE'S YOURS FOR A BREADSTICK.
I'LL GIVE YOU A PIZZA.

CAROL, PLEASE, YOU'RE NOT GONNA TRADE ME IN FOR A PIZZA.
OH, BUT I AM. REMEMBER HOW YOU ALWAYS COMPLAINED THAT I WASN'T SPONTANEOUS ENOUGH?...
WELL, MR. "LET'S-THROW-THE-WHOLE-FAMILY-IN-THE-CAR-AND-DRIVE-TO-THE-BEACH-WITH-TWO-MINUTES-NOTICE," THIS IS PRETTY SPONTANEOUS!
C'MON, BABY, I LOVE THE BRAIN WAY YOU HAVE TO PLAN EVERYTHING OUT.
...THAT DIDN'T COME OUT RIGHT.

...C'MON, STACI, YOU'RE NOT REALLY GONNA TRADE ME IN FOR A PIZZA.
LISTEN, STEPHAN... YOU NEVER PICK UP YOUR SOCKS... YOU NEVER CALL WHEN YOU SAY YOU'RE GONNA CALL... AND YOU BOUGHT ME A RAKE FOR MY BIRTHDAY...
...IT WAS A VERY NICE RAKE.

..LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT... RAT IS MANAGING A PIZZA PARLOR DOWNTOWN AND HE'S RUNNING A PROMOTION WHERE WOMEN CAN TRADE IN THEIR HUSBANDS FOR A PIZZA.
YEAH... AND SOME OF THE WOMEN ARE REALLY TRYING TO PUSH THE LIMITS.
PUSH THEM HOW?
...FOR THE LAST TIME, MA'AM, I AM NOT GIVING YOU A CUP OF MINESTRONE FOR YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.

RAT GOT A JOB MANAGING THAT PIZZA PARLOR DOWNTOWN.
THE ONE THAT NO ONE GOES TO?
YEAH, BUT HE'S GOT THIS NEW PROMOTION... YOU CAN TRADE IN YOUR HUSBAND FOR A PIZZA.
WHAT? DOES HE REALLY THINK ANY WOMAN WOULD DO THAT?
...AND YOU SHOULD KNOW... HE NEVER LIFTS THE TOILET SEAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M THE GRAND PEA, AND I'M COMBATING VEGETABLEISM.
YOU'RE COMBATING WHAT?
VEGETABLEISM...THE DISCRIMINATORY TREATMENT OF CERTAIN VEGETABLES BASED SOLELY ON THE TYPE OF VEGETABLE THEY ARE.
YOU'RE COMBATING `PEAISM'?
ARE YOU @#$% G*#*% KIDDING ME? IS THIS THE BEST YOU'VE GOT AFTER 18,340 YEARS OF GLORIOUS REIGN??
HARDLY. LOOK BEHIND YOU.
RESTRICTED BEACH AREA P EAS KEEP OUT
WHAT AWE YOU TWO FIGHTING ABOUT?
YOU IDIOT! THAT SIGN ISN'T LOST A COUPLE OF LETTERS. IT'S SUPPOSED TO SAY `PEAS', NOT `P-E-AS'.
PLEASE TELL ME YOU KNEW THAT.
AND THAT YOU'RE NOT THAT STUPID.
AND THAT YOU WOULDN'T ORGANIZE A PROTEST OVER A MISPAINTED SIGN.
I DID.
I'M NOT.
I WOULDN'T.
GOOD.
GOOD.
SEE YA...BYE.
FIRST, THE GOOD NEWS...

WE HAD TO CANCEL THE ZEBRALIONCROX OLYMPICS. THE GREEKS WEREN'T READY AND THE CROCS KEPT KILLING US.
THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES, DUDE.
YEAH, BUT WHAT A WASTE... WE BOUGHT ALL THOSE MEDALS FOR NOTHING.
GIVE 'EM TO SOME LOSER WHO'LL APPRECIATE 'EM 'CAUSE HE'S TOO LAME TO WIN AWARDS ON HIS OWN.
NOT SO LOUD.

FOLKS, THIS JUST IN... THE REMAINDER OF THE ZEBRALLION/CROC OLYMPICS HAVE BEEN CANCELED. THE OLYMPIC COMMITTEE CITED THE GREEKS' FAILURE TO PROTECT THE ZEBRAS AND THEIR FAILURE TO COMPLETE CONSTRUCTION OF THE FACILITIES.
THE GREEKS, FOR THEIR PART, HAVE DENIED THE ACCUSATIONS... WE GO NOW TO BILL SIMMONS, WHO'S AT THE TRACK AND FIELD FACILITIES WITH SOME OF THE ZEBRAS. UH... WELL, HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE WITH THE ZEBRAS. GET IT, BILL, WHERE ARE THE GREEK ZEBRAS??
CRUSHED BY A BACKHOE, BOB.
WHERE WE COME FROM??
WHO CARE??
TIME FOR CAKE BREAK.
YEP! NO CAKE DO!

WELCOME BACK, FOLKS, TO THE ZEBRA/CROC OLYMPICS. TODAY'S EVENT IS SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING, AND IT LOOKS LIKE OUR FIRST ZEBRA/CROC DUO ARE ALREADY IN THE POOL. HOW'S IT LOOKING, BOB?
YEEESS, PETER, THE PAIRING OF THESE TWO UNLIKELY SPECIES IS UNPRECEDENTED, AND REALLY SHOWS THE ENERGY AND SPIRIT THAT IS THE HALLMARK OF…
AAAAAAAAH!!
CHOMP CHOMP
CHOMP CHOMP
CHOMP CHOMP
CHOMP
... A HUNGRY CROCODILE?
THAT'S GONNA BE A BIIIIIG POINT DEDUCTION, PETER...

WELCOME BACK, FOLKS, TO THE ZEBRA/LIONCROC OLYMPICS HERE IN ATHENS, GREECE. WE GO NOW TO BILL SIMMONS, WHO’S AT THE GYMNASTICS FACILITY FOR TODAY’S COMPETITION… HOW’S IT LOOKING, BILL?
NOT SO GOOD, BOB. WE’RE HAVING SOME TECHNICAL PROBLEMS HERE AT THE ARENA.
TECHNICAL PROBLEMS? WHAT KIND OF TECHNICAL PROBLEMS?
NO WALLS. NO ROOF.
TOMORROW… WE DO IT TOMORROW… TODAY WE SMOKE.
YASSOU!

WELCOME TO THE OPENING OF THE ZEBRA/LION/CROC OLYMPICS. WE NOW GO DOWN TO THE FIELD FOR THE ZEBRAS' OPENING ADDRESS.
...WE ARE HONORED TO BE HERE TODAY WITH THESE OTHER SPECIES TO PROMOTE THE CAUSE OF PEACE AND BUILD THE BONDS OF BROTHERHOOD.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL AND MOVING TRIBUTE, BOB.
YES, PETER. AND NOW FOR THE CROCODILES' OPENING ADDRESS...
A MAN OF FEW WORDS, BOB.
YEEES, PETER, HE KEPT IT SHORT.
CHOMP
CHOMP
CHOMP

WELCOME TO THE OPENING CEREMONIES
OF THE ZEBRA/LION/CROCODILE OLYMPICS.
FOUNDED TO PROMOTE PEACE AND CAMH-
RADERIE AMONG OUR SPECIES THROUGH
THE JOY OF SPORT. WE'D LIKE--
... WILL THE GROUP OF CROCODILES
COOKING THE ZEBRA OVER THE
OLYMPIC FLAME PLEASE STOP.
... ROUGH START.

CHOMP
CHOMP
CHOMP
UUUUUURRP
EXCUSE ME, BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE'RE DOING?
CHOMP
CHOMP
...I GUESS "OPEN" IS A RELATIVE TERM.

WANNA BUY DIRECTIONS?
SURE. WHAT DO I GET FOR FIVE DOLLARS?
DIRECTIONS.
THEN WHAT DO I GET FOR TEN?
CORRECT DIRECTIONS.

DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS?
NO. BUT I ONCE HAD A COUPLE OF PARROTS.
THAT MADE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.
WELL, IT MADE SENSE TO ME, UNTIL I LEARNED THEY COULDN'T TALK.
I WISH YOU COULDN'T TALK.
YOU WOULD'VE LIKED MY PARROTS.

EVERY TIME I GET ON A FLIGHT AND THERE'S AN EMPTY SEAT NEXT TO ME, I HOPE THAT THE HOT CHICK WALKING DOWN THE AISLE WILL SIT NEXT TO ME.
DOES IT HAPPEN?
NEVER. I ALWAYS GET THE FAT, DUMPY WHITE GUY.
MAYBE THE PRETTY GIRL DOESN'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO YOU.
PLEASE DON'T CHALLENGE MY RATCENTRIC UNIVERSE.