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HEY, PHIL... I JUST PAID TO HAVE A GRAIN OF SAND NAMED AFTER ME YESTERDAY, BUT MY NEIGHBOR JUST TOLD ME YOU RE-NAMED THAT SAME GRAIN OF SAND AFTER HIM THIS MORNING.
OH NO NO NO. THIS ONE’S YOURS AND THIS ONE’S YOURS.
OHHHHH
AH YEAH HEH HEH HEH.
WOW. WHAT A MISUNDER-STANDING!
LISTEN, BOB... I’M SORRY FOR SHOOTING OUT YOUR CAR WIN-DOWS AND PUSHING YOUR WIFE INTO THE HEDGE.
YEAH, ME TOO, DAVE. I’M SORRY FOR BURNING DOWN YOUR GARAGE AND THROWING YOUR CLOTHES INTO THE TREE MULCHER.
NATIONAL REGISTRY OF SAND
I FEAR FOR HUMANITY.
NATIONAL REGISTRY OF SAND

EXCUSE ME, BUT COULD I INTEREST YOU IN HAVING A UNIQUE GRAIN OF THIS WORLD'S SAND NAMED AFTER YOU?
HOW DO YOU KEEP TRACK OF WHICH GRAIN IS NAMED AFTER WHICH PERSON?
I KEEP A LITTLE LIST IN THIS SPIRAL NOTEBOOK... SEE?
THAT SAYS, "MORONS I'VE FLEECED."
IGNORE THE TITLE.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT COULD I INTEREST YOU IN HAVING A UNIQUE GRAIN OF THIS WORLD'S SAND NAMED AFTER YOU? IT'S ONLY SIXTY BUCKS.
WHY SHOULD I DO THAT??
BECAUSE YOU'RE DUMB. AND VAIN. AND THOSE TWO QUALITIES MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO RECOGNIZE A FRAUDULENT SCAM WHEN YOU SEE ONE.
I'LL TAKE TEN.
YOU'RE A SMART MAN.

I HEARD RAT HAS STARTED SOMETHING CALLED "THE NATIONAL REGISTRY OF SAND"

YEAH, FOR $80, YOU CAN HAVE A GRAIN OF SAND NAMED AFTER YOU... HE DID THAT FOR STARS, SO RAT FIGURED HE'D DO SAND
...DOES HE REALLY THINK PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID THAT THEY'D PAY GOOD MONEY TO HAVE ONE GRAIN OF SAND NAMED AFTER THEM?
YEAH, YOU'D HAVE TO BE A PRETTY PATHETIC NOBODY TO PAY FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT...
WOW, SO IS THAT ONE "PIG"?... OR IS THAT ONE "PIG"?
YOURS IS THE TINY BROWN ONE

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
PICTURES OF MY COUSINS... MY HERD JUST SENT THEM TO ME.
ARE THOSE THE ZEBRAS THAT LIVE ON THE PLAINS AND HAVE TO RUN FROM THE LIONS?
WHO'S THAT ONE?
THAT'S THE FASTEST ZEBRA IN OUR FAMILY... THEY CALL HIM... "THE SPEED DEMON."
GEE... THAT'S NEAT... HOW 'BOUT THAT GUY?
HE'S THE STRONGEST ZEBRA IN THE ENTIRE HERD. THEY CALL HIM "THE MIGHTY HERCULES."
WOW... AND WHO'S THAT ONE?
OH... THAT'S THE SLOWEST ZEBRA IN THE FAMILY.
WHAT DO THEY CALL HIM?
"FOOD."

HELLO... I'D LIKE TO WITHDRAW MONEY.
FINE. FILL OUT THIS WITHDRAWAL SLIP AND BE SURE TO WRITE YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER AT THE TOP.
YEAH, WELL, THAT WON'T BE HAPPENING.
OH?... AND WHY IS THAT?
WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW, I DON'T HAVE AN ACCOUNT.
...LOOKS LIKE I MAY NEED TO GET A JOB AFTER ALL.

I HEAR YOU GOT PIG TO TAKE THE GIANT OVEN MITT OFF.
YEAH, BUT HE'S REAL NERVOUS. HIS REALITY IS SO WARPED NOW THAT HE THINKS OTHER GIANT COOKING UTENSILS WILL ATTACK HIM.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.
NO, REALLY. HE TOLD ME AND RAT ABOUT IT, SO I TOLD HIM TO JUST RELAX AND GO READ A BOOK OR SOMETHING... HOPEFULLY, RAT'S HELPING HIM, TOO.
ADIOS, AMIGO.

HI, RAT...I'M HERE FOR PIG...WE HAVE A DINNER DATE.
HANG ON.
...GOT DINNER PLANS?

IS THAT YOU UNDER THERE, PIG?
YES. I AM WEARING A GIANT OVEN MITT TO PROTECT MYSELF AGAINST THE MEANNESS OF THIS WORLD.
PIG, THAT MEANNESS IS GONNA AFFECT YOU WHETHER YOU'RE IN AN OVEN MITT OR NOT... THERE'S NOT A SINGLE ADVANTAGE TO WEARING AN OVEN MITT.
WHAT IF A GIANT OVEN DROPS FROM THE SKY AND YOU NEED SOMEONE TO PULL OUT THE PIE?
...YOU'VE GROWN QUIET.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING A GIANT OVEN MITT, PIG?
BECAUSE MY EGO IS VERY FRAGILE AND MY FEELINGS ARE EASILY HURT.
PIG... AN OVEN MITT WILL NOT PROTECT YOUR FEELINGS. PEOPLE WILL HURT YOU JUST LIKE THEY DID BEFORE.
...BUT THEY WON'T KNOW WHEN I CRY.
HE'S RIGHT... IT TAKES AWAY HALF THE FUN.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING OVEN MITTS?
TO PROTECT MY FEELINGS FROM GETTING HURT AND MY CONFIDENCE FROM BEING SHATTERED AND MY EGO FROM GETTING CRUSHED.
YOU STUPID PIG. THE ONLY THING THOSE LITTLE OVEN MITTS PROTECT IS YOUR HAND... ALL THAT OTHER STUFF IS UNPROTECTED.
HOW 'BOUT NOW?

THE ADVENTURES OF ANGRY BOB
Angry Bob was angry.
"My problem stems from women, I think!" Bob thought. "But why won't women want to buy a women's magazine like 'Cosmo'?"
Bob went to the grocery store and purchased a copy of 'Cosmopolitan' magazine. He took it home and studied it in his backyard and read and read.
And heard a crash.
A Brazilian swimsuit model had fallen through his hedges.
"Excuse me," she said. "I am Lupe, and I have wandered away from a bikini contest and now I am lost. I have skimmed my knee falling through your hedge and am in need of water and your help but do not want to make it sound like I need you for help."
Bob stared at her in astonishment. He was utterly amazed. And so Bob stood up.
And the women's magazine fell to the ground.
And Lupe's stare of utter astonishment slowly softened. And as she stared at Bob, she saw something she never saw before... a Cosmo in his hand. Lupe became enraged.
"AND THE WOMEN'S MAGAZINE!!" she roared. "YOU READ 'COSMO'!?!!"
Flummoxed, Bob panicked. "She reads 'The Atlantic', doesn't she?" he muttered.
And so Bob, as the pages shuffled closed, stared down at the cover and said...
"AND LOOK AT THE WEALTH

HULLOOOO, MY PEGGY FREN. ME LOOKEEN
FO SOME CO CONSPIRATUHHTORS WHO CANS
HELP ME THWAP ZEEBA GUY... ME GIVE
YOU'PS BAG OF PEETTY SILVA COYNES
FO YOU TWUBBLE... BUAHAHAHA...
WHAT? ZEBRA IS MY FRIEND!
I LOVE HIM LIKE A BROTHER!
AND I WOULDN'T HELP YOU
TRAP HIM FOR ALL THE MONEY
ON EARTH! SO GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU... YOU BAD REPTILES YOU!!
... MAN... CAN YOU
BELIEVE
THOSE GUYS?!
FORTY-FOUR...
FORTY-FIVE...
FORTY-SIX...

GEE, NEIGHBOR BOB, YOUR HALF-BROTHER PHIL MUST HAVE A TOUGH LIFE.
I SUPPOSE... I MEAN, NO BRAIN, NO EYES, NO EARS, AND NO CONSCIOUSNESS DOES SORT OF LIMIT YOUR OPTIONS.
...BUT REALLY, HIS LIMITATIONS ARE HARDEST ON THE REST OF US.
OH? HOW IS THAT?
HE'S JUST KILLING OUR BOWLING TEAM.

Hullo zeeba neighba.
Lesten. We wants you know we no longa theet to yous... We no eats meat now!
I SEE...AND IS THERE A REASON YOU'RE DRESSED AS GIANT CARROTS?
Oh, thees? Thees was Sammy idea. Ees puov of change...See, now we loves vegetables.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T EAT MEAT ARE CALLED VEGETARIANS! THEY ARE NOT CALLED VEGETABLES!
...Costume mentaI conceen out of you awaiwareness.

WHO THE HECK IS THAT?
THAT'S NEIGHBOR BOB AND HIS HALF-BROTHER PHIL.
AM I THE ONLY GUY THINKING WE COULD RIFLE THROUGH HIS WALLET WITH ABSOLUTELY NO CONSEQUENCE?
BEEN THERE.
DONE THAT.

Hulloo, zeeba neighba. Lester, you come pay us queek social veesit and ve weepy you by maykeen wery genaurus donashun to yous favaurite charity...
Oh? ...And why would you be willing to do that?
Becuz ve is hungree and when you veesit, ve plan keel you and not follow troo on donashun.
...Too much infonashun, Bob,

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... WHO'S THAT WITH YOU?
HEY, PIG... THIS IS PHIL.
PHIL?
YEAH... HE'S MY HALF-BROTHER.
... NO NEED TO SHAKE HANDS. HE WON'T REMEMBER YOU.

Hullooooooo! Zeeba neighba!
Oh, GREAT... IT'S YOU GUYS... I WISH YOU AND YOUR STUPID CROCODILE FRATERNITY HAD NEVER MOVED IN NEXT DOOR TO ME.
No, zeeba neighba! We is you buddeez! And we see th'rough window dat you gets new couch. So bootiful! We come in, yes?
YOU WANT ME TO LET YOU IN MY HOUSE JUST SO YOU CAN SEE MY NEW COUCH??
Oh... YES... Gud couch!! Gud bootiful couch!! Lookin' bargain you makes!...
IS THERE A REASON YOU NEED A ROPE, A "GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL," AND A GALLON OF BARBECUE SAUCE TO SEE MY COUCH??
... He so smaht, it scawy.

WANT TO GO UP TO THE MOUNTAINS?
FINE, BUT IT'S SNOWING UP THERE, SO WE'LL NEED TO PUT ON CHAINS.
...THIS SEEMS UNNECESSARY.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
DIDN'T YOU HEAR? - HE MET CUPID AT A BAR. TURNS OUT CUPID'S TIRED OF BEING CUPID. SO HE'S HAVING PIG SHOOT HIS LITTLE ARROWS OF LOVE FOR HIM.
DOES PIG KNOW HOW TO DO THAT?
WHAT'S THERE TO KNOW?
TOO HARD.

WHERE IS RAT TODAY?
HE SOLD OUT HIS ENTIRE STOCK OF FLOWERS... I GUESS HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPLOITED THE AVERAGE GUY'S FEAR OF LOOKING CHEAP AND GETTING DUMPED.
WELL, AT LEAST THE FLOWER SHOP IS CLOSED, SO HE WON'T BE ABLE TO CAPITALIZE ON ANY MORE GUYS' INSECURITIES.
A HALF POUND? ...YOU'RE BUYING HER A HALF POUND? ARE YOU TRYING TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AT 'STAR TREK' CONVENTIONS?

HI...I'D LIKE A SINGLE LONG STEM ROSE.
ONE ROSE, HUH? WELL, WITH ONE ROSE, I ALWAYS LIKE TO THROW IN YOUR VERY OWN COPY OF "COPING WITH LONELINESS: ONE CHEAP MAN'S STRUGGLE TO SURVIVE WITHOUT WOMEN"
OH, AND HERE'S A COPY OF THE "VICTORIA'S SECRET" CATALOG, SO YOU'LL BE ABLE TO REMEMBER WHAT WOMEN LOOKED LIKE...
YOU BOUGHT ME A FLORIST SHOP?
NO, NO... A CHAIN OF FLORIST SHOPS.

HI.. I’D LIKE A DOZEN ROSES FOR MY WIFE.
FINE. WE CALL THAT ARRANGEMENT THE “I LOVE MY WIFE, BUT NOT AS MUCH AS MY WALLET” BOUQUET.
WHAT ABOUT TWO DOZEN?
THAT’S THE “I LOVE MY WIFE, BUT WILL NOT BUY MORE THAN THE MINIMUM NEEDED TO AVOID APPEARING CHEAP” BOUQUET.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HONEY.
IS THAT YOU, DEAR?

You know what bugs me? The diamond industry. Where do they get off recommending what percentage of my salary I should spend on their product?
You mean where they say you should spend two months' salary on a diamond?
Yeah... I mean they're not exactly a neutral party. They get that money.
They do it cause it's twofold. No guy wants to look cheap when it comes to giving his girlfriend something.
A good rule of thumb is ten months' salary. Minimum.