Pearls Before Swine | Search

LET'S DO IT. I WANT THE BEST FOR MY LITTLE WOLFIE.
I'M SORRY, MR. MOZART, BUT YOU JUST DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. YOU DO WRITE SOME PRETTY GOOD MUSIC FOR GREAT BIRD WOMEN THAT CAN ELIMINATE ALL SUGAR IN DOGS.
UMMM... MRS. DAVIS... MILES JUST CAN'T SEEM TO FOCUS IN CLASS. BUT I CAN RECOMMEND A TERRIFIC DRUG THAT CAN MAKE HIM SIT IN CLASS JUST LIKE THE OTHER KIDS.
OH, WHAT A WONDERFUL IDEA.
I'M TELLING YOU, MR. MCCARTNEY, HE JUST SITS IN CLASS AND HALLUCINATES THESE SILLY LOVE SONGS.
OKAY, OKAY... GIVE HIM THE DRUGS. I HATE TO FALL BEHIND.
GIVE HIM THE DRUGS. JUST MAKE SURE HE HAS HIS GUITAR.

I'M GOING TO A WAKE.
WHO?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WHO?"
WHO YOU GOING TO AWAKE?
MY COUSIN DIED.
IT WON'T BE EASY.

THIS IS OUR NEW SUGGESTION BOX. WHEN ONE OF US HAS A LITTLE ISSUE WITH THE OTHER GUY, HE CAN JUST DROP AN ANONYMOUS NOTE IN HERE.
OH, LOOK!... THERE'S ONE IN THERE NOW!
AHHH, YES... IT SAYS, "THE PIG IS A BIG, FAT MORON."
I WISH I KNEW WHO WROTE THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WRITING MY WILL.
WHY?
BECAUSE I GOT TESTED FOR A BUNCH OF FATAL DISEASES AND THE DOCTOR SAID THE RESULTS WERE NEGATIVE.
THAT'S GOOD.
And to the heartless Rat, I bequeath nothing.

SIR, EVER SINCE YOU INSTALLED INK BAGS THAT EXPLODE WHEN AN EMPLOYEE VIEWS ADULT INTERNET SITES, EVERY MALE EMPLOYEE HAS BEEN COVERED IN INK.
I REALIZE THAT.
WELL, AS ONE OF YOUR FEMALE EMPLOYEES, I MUST SAY THAT THIS CONSTANT REMINDER OF MALE PROCLIVITIES IS CREATING A VERY HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT.
REST ASSURED, KIM, WE'RE TAKING THIS VERY SERIOUSLY.
MY NAME'S DORIS.
SORRY, I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOUR VOICE.

I HEAR RAT'S NEW EMPLOYER IS REAL STRICT ABOUT INTERNET USAGE.
YEAH... IF YOU LOOK AT ADULT SITES, AN INKBAG EXPLODES ON YOU.
THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE EXTREME. DO THEY REALLY THINK EMPLOYEES SPEND THEIR DAYS LOOKING AT DIRTY PICTURES?
HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?

RAT GOT A NEW JOB, BUT HE DOESN'T LIKE IT, BECAUSE THEY WON'T LET EMPLOYEES GO ON THE INTERNET.
HOW DO THEY MONITOR THAT?
WELL, IN EXTREME CASES, WHERE EMPLOYEES TRY TO VIEW ADULT SITES, THERE'S AN INK BOMB ATTACHED TO THEIR MONITOR THAT EXPLODES.
WOW... THAT WOULD DETER ANYONE.
...LEAKY PEN.

The Adventures of Detective Bob by Rat
Detective Bob received a telephone call from his old friend, Sherlock Holmes.
I need your help, said Sherlock. . . It's the case of the hooded bandit.
Tell me more, said Bob.
He wears a bedsheet over his head, said Sherlock. . . We haven't a clue who he is.
The solution is elementary, Sherlock. Simply examine the beds of all the townsfolk. The bed of the criminal will have a distinctive feature.
A distinctive feature? asked Sherlock. . . What could that be?
No sheet, Sherlock.

HOW IS EVERYTHING OVER HERE?

I'M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE REACHING THE TABLE.
I COULD GIVE YOU A HIGH CHAIR OR A BOOSTER SEAT.
THAT WOULD BE NICE. WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND?
THE LATTER.
THAT SOUNDS A BIT EXCESSIVE.

DID YOU WIN A PRIZE AT THE COSTUME PARTY FOR YOUR HOSTAGE COSTUME?
NO.
WELL, DID THEY PLAY ANY GAMES YOU DID WELL AT?
NOT REALLY.
WHATDYA KNOW? - THE PIG LOSES ANOTHER ROUND OF CHARADES!
MONKEY?
CHEESE?
PANTS?

DID THE OTHER PEOPLE AT
THE COSTUME PARTY LIKE
YOUR HOSTAGE COSTUME?
I DON’T KNOW…
THEY DIDN’T
SAY MUCH.
…SO… SEEN ANY GOOD
MOVIES LATELY?

HOW WAS THE COSTUME PARTY LAST NIGHT?
NOT SO GOOD. I WENT AS A HOSTAGE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? IT SOUNDS LIKE AN OKAY COSTUME TO ME.
NOPE... NO COSTUME PARTY AT THIS HOUSE.
I'LL NEVER GET THERE.

GOOD PEOPLE SURE ARE HARD TO FIND.
WOMEN LIKE THEIR PRIVACY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, SOMEONE CARVED THIS HOLE IN THE WOMEN'S GYM WALL AND WHEN THE WOMEN FOUND OUT THEY WERE BEING SPYED ON, THEY GOT RID OF THE HOLE.
I SAID "PEOPLE," NOT "PEEPHOLE."
I THINK ALL PEEPHOLES ARE BAD.

Dear Starrykiss Tuna,
Enclosed please find a can of so-called "dolphin-free" tuna, which I am returning to you.
It was only after buying this product that I learned -- to my great sadness -- that there was no free dolphin inside.
P.S. Care to buy a dolphin tank?

I LOST THE CELL PHONE.
GET THE REGULAR PHONE AND DIAL THE NUMBER OF THE CELL PHONE.
WHAT WILL THAT DO?
THE CELL PHONE WILL RING AND YOU'LL FIND IT.
RIIIINNNG...
RIIIIIIINNN...
RIIINNNG...
RIIIIIIIIING...
RIIIIIIIING...
RIIIIIIIIING...
HELLO?... HELLO?... HELLO???
IT'S SCARY WHEN THEY DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

... AND SO, REST IN PEACE,
CUBBY. YOU WERE ONE
GREAT FRUIT FLY.
IT'S NOT EVERY DAY YOU
SEE THE MISSING
FLY FORMATION.

CUBBY WAS A GOOD FLY, BELOVED BY--
CAN I HELP YOU, MA'AM?
YEAH, I'M TRIXIE, THE STRIPPER WHO SMOOSHED YOUR FLY--
AND YOU'VE COME TO PAY YOUR FINAL RESPECTS.
WELL, HOW TOUCHING.
NO. I'VE COME TO BE PAID FOR YOUR DEAD FRIEND'S LAST DANCE.
THAT WAS A DIFFERENT SORT OF TOUCHING.

I TOOK YOUR PET FLY CUBBY TO THE STRIP CLUB.
DID HE HAVE A GOOD TIME?
TOO GOOD... HE GOT SO EXCITED THAT HE FLEW OFF HIS BAR STOOL AND GROPED ONE OF THE DANCERS.
WHAT? SO WHAT HAPPENED?
TRIXIE SMOOSHED HIM.
SMOOSHED HIM??
HE DIED A HAPPY FLY.

I TOOK CUBBY TO THE PARK AND THE ZOO.
WHY'D YOU DO THAT?
I FIGURED THAT IF FRUIT FLIES ONLY LIVE FOR 14 DAYS, THEY'D BETTER BE GOOD ONES.
BUT IS THAT WHERE CUBBY WANTED TO GO?
NO, BUT 'GETTING WASTED IN STRIP JOINTS' IS NOT MY THING.
I'LL GET MY COAT.

I HOPE YOU KNOW YOUR PET FLY IS A FRUIT FLY, WHICH MEANS HIS LIFE SPAN IS NO LONGER THAN TWO WEEKS.
...WHAT'D HE SAY?
THAT INVESTING IN THAT I.R.A. WAS A BIG WASTE OF TIME.

HAVE YOU MET MY PET FLY, CUBBY?
FLIES CAN'T BE PETS... THEY'RE FLIES, YOU MORON.
cubby.
cubby.
cubby.
cubby.
cubby.
CUBBY WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'D LIKE TO STEP OUTSIDE.

YEAH, I'M HERE FOR THE REUNION, BUT I DON'T SEE MY NAME ON THIS LIST.
OH, WELL, THAT'S THE LIST OF "SKINNY, GEEKY, SMART GUYS WHO MADE IT BIG AND ONLY CAME HERE TO MOCK YOU."
WHAT'S THAT OTHER LIST?
THAT'S "POPULAR FOOTBALL JOCKS WHO ARE NOW FAT, BALD AND UNMOTIVATED."
YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME... ARE THOSE THE ONLY TWO LISTS?
UH, NO. THERE'S THIS ONE HERE.
WHAT'S THAT ONE?
"DECEASED."
IT'S SAD WHEN THEY CYCLE LIKE THAT.

RAT, THE FENG SHUI EXPERT
SIR, WE'LL HAVE TO SEAL OFF THAT DOOR IMMEDIATELY.
BUT MY WIFE'S SLEEPING IN THERE.
I REALIZE THAT, SIR, BUT THE CHI ENERGY WILL NOT WAIT.
SURELY YOU WOULDN'T RECOMMEND SEALING SOMEONE IN THEIR ROOM.
SIGH.

... SO TO ALIGN HIS HOUSE WITH FENG SHUI PRINCIPLES, RAT SEALED PIG'S DOOR AND TRAPPED HIM IN HIS BEDROOM?
YEAH, AND NOW RAT'S SELLING HIS SERVICES AS A FENG SHUI EXPERT TO OTHERS.
BUT DOES HE REALLY UNDERSTAND FENG SHUI?
... AND GET RID OF THE TALL PIECE IN THE CORNER. IT'S GIVING OFF A TERRIBLE ENERGY.
THAT'S MY HUSBAND.
GOOD. WE WON'T NEED MOWERS.

WHERE'S PIG'S BEDROOM DOOR?
WE SEALED IT UP... ACCORDING TO THE PRINCIPLES OF FENG SHUI, THAT DOOR WAS IN THE WRONG PLACE.
WHAT IS FENG SHUI?
IT'S WHERE YOU ALIGN YOUR WHOLE HOUSE IN SUCH A WAY THAT IT'S IN HARMONY WITH NATURE AND THE SPIRITS.
WHAT DOES PIG THINK?
I'D LIKE A DOOR.
PIPE DOWN IN THERE.