Pearls Before Swine | Search

IS RAT LEARNING TO BE ANY NICER AT THE COMICS RE-EDUCATION CAMP?
I THINK SO. TODAY THEY'RE GONNA EXPOSE HIM TO CARTOON FAMILIES WHO MAY HAVE GONE THROUGH A DIFFICULT EXPERIENCE AND SEE IF HE CAN AVOID MAKING AWKWARD COMMENTS...
LIKE WHAT?
CAN FARLEY COME OUT AND PLAY FRISBEE?

HOW'S RAT DOING AT COMICS RE-EDUCATION CAMP?
OKAY, TODAY EARL AND MOOCH ARE GOING TO TEACH HIM HOW TO BE KIND TO CARTOON CHARACTERS WHO MAY HAVE PHYSICAL DEFORMITIES.
HOW ARE THEY GONNA DO THAT?
WELL, THEY'LL EXPOSE HIM TO SUCH PEOPLE AND MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING INAPPROPRIATE.
DUDE, THAT SCHNOZZ IS OUT OF CONTROL.

I HEAR RATS BEEN SENT TO A COMICS RE-EDUCATION CAMP TO LEARN HOW TO BE A SWEET AND BELOVED COMIC STRIP ANIMAL.
YEAH... THEY HAVE EARL AND MOOCH TRAINING HIM.
THE "MUTTS" CHARACTERS? HE COULD NEVER LEARN TO BE THAT SWEET.
OHHH... I’M SURE HE’S DOING GREAT.
GIMME SOME SHLAM ANDI OR I’LL BREAK YOUR SHRINKING KNEES, YOU @#$#@$*@#$##

DID YOU HEAR RAT GOT A LETTER FROM THE NATIONAL CARTOONISTS SOCIETY CITING HIM FOR EXCESSIVE PROFANITY AND UNACCEPTABLY DARK HUMOR? HE'S BEEN SENT TO A COMICS RE-EDUCATION CAMP.
WHAT WILL THEY DO TO HIM THERE?
CERTIFIED COMIC COUNSELORS WILL TEACH HIM HOW TO BE A CUTE AND BELOVED COMIC STRIP ANIMAL.
HOW WILL THEY DO THAT?
YES!
GOSH!
YES!
GOSH!
YES!
GOSH!

OH. YES. HE'S WEARING A BEARS FAN HAT.
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH DR. TROPES. I NEED TO GET MY WISDOM TEETH REMOVED.
HAVE A SEAT... THE DOCTOR WILL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.
YOU MUST BE RAT.
YOU'RE DR. TROPES?
YES... WHY?... IS THERE A PROBLEM?
YOU'RE WEARING A CHICAGO BEARS JERSEY.
WELL, THAT'S NICE, BUT WE HAVE A POLICY AGAINST OPERATING ON YOU DRESSED IN A FOOTBALL JERSEY. DOESN'T INSPIRE CONFIDENCE. I LIKE MY DOCTORS IN NORMAL DOCTOR SHIRTS.
OH, GEE, I'M SORRY TO HEAR YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED BUT YOU KNOW... THERE'S ALWAYS DR. ANGELOS... HE WEARS REGULAR DOCTOR SCRUBS AND T-SHIRTS. HE'S NOT A BEARS FAN.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT. THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING.
OH, NO PROBLEM... I'LL SEND DR. ANGELOS RIGHT OUT.
YOU MUST BE RAT.

WHY IS EVERYONE IN CHINA SO ANGRY?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT NOW, YOU STUPID PIG?
PICK UP ANYTHING YOU SEE AND TURN IT OVER... IT'LL TELL YOU... THEY'RE MAD IN CHINA.
...HE'D FIT RIGHT IN.

WE'RE DOOMED, RAT. THESE ELECTRONICS SALESMEN WILL NEVER LEAVE US ALONE.
YES, THEY WILL. YOU JUST NEED TO USE THE RIGHT APPROACH...
GENTLEMEN... I HAVE A PRODUCT UNDER WARRANTY THAT NEEDS TO GET SERVICED.
...I THINK THEY TRAMPLED THE SHORT ONE.

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET ANY SLEEP SURROUNDED BY ELECTRONICS SALESMEN?
WE'LL JUST HAVE TO TELL 'EM A BEDTIME STORY AND HOPE THEY DOZE OFF.
WHAT KIND OF STORY SHOULD WE TELL THEM?
I'LL GIVE 'EM A SPOOKY STORY. I KNOW KIDS LOVE THAT.
AND SOON, THE WHOLE WORLD KNEW... THE EXTENDED WARRANTY WAS A BIG, FAT RIP-OFF...
OOOOOH.
AHHH.
NO!
GAH!
STOP!
GRR!

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, RAT... WE'RE TRAPPED IN A MOB OF ELECTRONICS SALESMEN.
NEED SOME ASTOUNDING DEALS?
HOW 'BOUT TONIGHT?
RELAX, PIG... I'M SURE WE'LL BE OUT OF THIS IN NO TIME.
I HOPE SO, BECAUSE TOMORROW IS MY UNCLE'S FUNERAL AND I'M NOT BRINGING A DOZEN ELECTRONICS SALESMEN.
ASK ABOUT OUR STREAMING STICKS!
JUST LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.
OKAY... WHICH ONE OF YOU TUCKED HIS BUSINESS CARD IN THE CASKET?
BIG SALE ON DUSTS.
CAN'T YOU DIE?

WHAT DO WE DO, RAT? WE'RE STUCK IN A MOB OF ELECTRONICS SALESMEN.
WELL, DON'T BUY ANYTHING, PIG. IT ONLY ENCOURAGES THEM.
BUT I HAVE A DATE WITH PIGITA TONIGHT.
JUST STAY CALM. I'M SURE THAT IN A FEW MORE MINUTES, THEY'LL GET TIRED AND GO HOME.
LOOKING FOR SOMEONE?
HI!
BIG SALE ON CAMCORDERS!
HONEY...
I'M GUESSING I WON'T GET LUCKY TONIGHT.
HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING?
HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING?
HELP! HELP!
THIS WAY!
HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING?

WHO ARE ALL YOU GUYS?
PIG? IT'S ME, RAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?
WELL, I WENT TO ONE OF THOSE ELECTRONICS STORES WHERE ALL THE COMMISSIONED SALES GUYS SWARM YOU, BUT WHEN I LEFT, THESE GUYS JUST STUCK TO ME.
MAY I HELP YOU, SIR?
WE'RE HAVING A BIG SALE ON DVDS.
WELL, MAYBE IF WE JUST BOUGHT SOMETHING, THEY'D -
MULTIPLY.
THEY'RE LIKE PIGEONS, DUDE.

The Adventures of Angry Bob
Angry Bob was sad.
"Bob, what is wrong," said the clown.
"I want to be happy. I will train myself to be happy."
Bob organized the "Food for Joy" seminar and handed out fliers which gave everyone kazoos and asked them to parade near the pandas and shout "foot for joy."
Even Bob signed up a sponsor, the global fast food chains, Mickey Donald's.
On the rain day of the parade, the kazoos fell apart. They had come from China.
Except Bob, who stood in the middle of the street, with his kazoo, and a shirt that said, "Toot for Joy... Brought to You by Mickey Donald's."
"I will not be stopped," thought Bob. "I will toot for joy alone."
So Bob began to march, and his face began to turn red, he began shouting "I will be happy," over and over again, until he dropped his kazoo and grabbed the barbed wire of a huge American global chain in the biggest anti-global brand plutocrat protest the planet had ever seen.
And there was Bob, with kazoos in his faces.
His Mickey Donald's shirt.
Enraged, the mob attacked Bob. With each blow upon his person, Bob yelled, "I must be happy," until he fell unconscious, involuntarily blowing the kazoo and tooting for joy.
Many-toots-for-joy later, Bob died.
H

LOOK AT PIG JUST STARING INTO SPACE... WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHAT HE THINKS ABOUT?
...AND IF I WAS A GIANT CORNDOG WATCHING T.V., I'D NEVER HAVE TO WALK TO THE KITCHEN FOR A SNACK
NO.
CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP!

THE TAX AUDIT, DAY FIVE
...SIR, YOU'VE CLAIMED ALL THESE BUSINESS LOSSES, BUT YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A BUSINESS.
THAT'S NOT TRUE. I INVENTED THIS INVISIBLE NECKTIE.
SIR, THAT NECKTIE IS TOTALLY VISIBLE.
IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT.

SIR, YOU'VE CLAIMED TWO DEPENDENTS, BUT YOU HAVEN'T IDENTIFIED EITHER OF THEM.
FINE. BOOZE AND NICOTINE.
SIR, THOSE ARE "DEPENDENCIES," NOT DEPENDENTS. DEPENDENTS ARE USUALLY CHILDREN.
OKAY, THEN... THOSE ARE MY CHILDREN. WE'VE GIVEN THEM NICKNAMES.
...IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, ASK MY WIFE, METHAMPHETAMINE.

THE TAX AUDIT, DAY THREE
SIR, YOU'VE DEDUCTED FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR BUSINESS TRAVEL.
YES. I HAVE TO TRAVEL A LOT.
...WELL, GIVEN THAT YOU DON'T OWN A CAR AND YOU HAVE NO TRAVEL RECEIPTS, CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'VE DEDUCTED HERE?
IF YOU MUST KNOW, I DEDUCTED MY FEET. I HAVE TWO OF THEM.
...THAT THIRD FOOT WAS MY ACCOUNTANT'S IDEA.

THE TAX AUDIT, DAY TWO
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE DEDUCTED YOUR HOUSE PAYMENTS AS A BUSINESS EXPENSE.
I KNOW.
SIR, YOU DON'T OWN A BUSINESS AND YOU DON'T OWN A HOME...
THE TAX CODE IS VERY CONFUSING.

WHERE IS RAT TODAY?
AT THE I.R.S. OFFICE. HE’S BEING AUDITED.
AUDITED? WITH HIS ARROGANCE, HE’LL GET THROWN RIGHT IN THE CAN.
OHH...I’M SURE HE’S SMARTER THAN THAT...
...AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAY, “ONLY THE LITTLE PEOPLE PAY TAXES”?

HEEEY, PIG...I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED STEVE MARTIN!!
STEVE WHO?
MARTIN.
HMMM...ANY RELATION TO MARTIN FIGOUZZI, THE NEIGHBOR BEHIND OUR HOUSE WHO'S TRYING TO OVERCOME HIS CAFFEINE ADDICTION SO HE CAN JOIN THE U.S. OLYMPIC ARCHERY TEAM?
I DON'T THINK SO.
GOOD...THAT GUY GIVES ME A HEADACHE...
HEEEY, PIG...I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED STEVE MARTIN!!

I JUST GOT A "MAGIC EIGHT BALL" SO I CAN TELL THE FUTURE. ASK ME A YES OR NO QUESTION.
OKAY...I'VE GOT ONE...
......YES?
NO!
NO?
...YOUR FUTURE IS NOT BRIGHT.
I GUESSED THAT!

HELLO, GOAT. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
WELL, I THINK I'M VALUABLE TO THIS COMIC STRIP AND I'D LIKE YOU TO DOUBLE MY SALARY.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT...I CAN CUT OUT HALF THE LINES USED TO COMPOSE YOU AND KEEP YOUR SALARY WHERE IT IS. YOU'LL BE MAKING THE SAME MONEY FOR HALF THE WORK, EFFECTIVELY DOUBLING YOUR SALARY.
DON'T ASK.

DEAR MR. LION,
EATING ANOTHER LIVING CREATURE IS AN IGNOBLE, BARBARIC ACT.
WHEN YOU EAT A ZEBRA, IT MAKES YOU LESS OF A LION.
THEN WHY AM I SO DARN FAT?

Dear Dairy,
Today I
YOU DUMB PIG.
IT'S SPELLED "D-I-A-R-Y."
OH... I DIDN'T KNOW.
Dear Diary,
Today I got some bad
milk. Please send a refund.

WHAT'S WITH ALL THAT NOISE THAT'S BEEN COMING FROM THE COWS' HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET?
RAT'S HOUSESITTING FOR THEM WHILE THEY'RE OUT OF TOWN, SO HE THOUGHT HE'D TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SITUATION BY THROWING A BIG PARTY.
HOW LONG'S IT S'POSED TO LAST?
'TIL THE COWS COME HOME.

WOW, RAT... WHAT'S THAT BOOK?
IT'S MY GIANT BOOK O' PHONIES, IT'S WHERE I KEEP THE NAMES OF EVERYONE WHO'S A NO-GOOD LYING WEASEL.
GEE, THAT'S A LOT OF NAMES. WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE LIST OF HONEST GUYS?
THE STICKY NOTE O' GOODNESS.