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AND I'M LIKE, "NO WAY,"
AND HE GOES, "YOU HAVE TO,"
AND I'M LIKE, "NO,
I DON'T," AND HE GOES---
YOU KNOW, THE WORDS
"SAID" AND "SAYS" STILL
EXIST. YOU CAN USE
THEM NOW AND THEN.
AND HE GOES, "YOU CAN
USE THEM NOW AND THEN,"
AND I'M LIKE "WHATEVER,"
AND HE'S LIKE---

HEY, JOHNNY MALLARD...
HOW ARE THINGS?
GOOD, PIG... I SAW THE CUTEST LITTLE DUCK AT THE POND TODAY, BUT I DIDN'T HAVE THE COURAGE TO TALK TO HER.
HEY... YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! SEIZE THE DAY!
YOU'RE RIGHT! SHE'S SO PRETTY AND QUIET AND DEMURE. THANKS, PIG! I'LL DO IT!
...GOT HIM.
SCORE ONE FOR THE DECOY.

DO YOU HAVE ANY GRANDPARENTS?
I'M AFRAID THEY'RE ALL WATCHING US FROM ABOVE.
DO THEY LIVE IN TREES?

Dear Comics Reader:
We here at "Pearls" feel that the format of Sunday strips is a waste of your time. Why should you, the reader, have to read a bunch of little jokes in the panels to get to the punch line when all you really want is the punchline?
Thus, in order to maximize your comic enjoyment, we here at "Pearls" have taken the novel approach of cutting out those peripheral strips and giving you just the main joke...No boring set-up.
No wasted panels. No boring set-up dialogue. Just pure punchline...We hope you enjoy.
What’s this?
I’ve been trying to get your attention all weekend!
Okay, so I’m no nature expert.
You know what’s nice about cheap trick is that?
When he gains a few pounds, he won’t have to rush out and buy a larger size!

I ADDED A NEW FISH TO THE TANK. HIS NAME IS "A LITTLE INTEGRITY."
I ADDED ONE, ALSO. HIS NAME IS "COMMERCIAL SUCCESS."
BUT WHAT IF THEY CAN'T LIVE TOGETHER?
WELL, GIVEN THE HIGH PRICE I PAID FOR MY FISH, I THINK IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS.
...SO YOU SACRIFICED "A LITTLE INTEGRITY" FOR THE SAKE OF "COMMERCIAL SUCCESS"?
I'M SUCH A SELL-OUT.

WHY IS THERE ONLY ONE FISH IN THE TANK?
HIS NAME IS "THE TRUTH"... I TOOK OUT ALL THE OTHER FISH SO I CAN CLEAN THE TANK.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE HIM OUT TOO?
BECAUSE HE HAS BIG TEETH AND IF YOU TRY AND GET NEAR HIM, YOU'LL LOSE A FINGER.
...YOU CAN'T HANDLE "THE TRUTH".

I ADDED A NEW FISH TO THE TANK... HIS NAME IS “TRUE HAPPINESS.”
WHERE IS HE?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHY DON'T YOU KNOW?
“TRUE HAPPINESS” IS HARD TO FIND.

WHO'S THAT NEW FISH YOU ADDED?
THAT'S "GREED." HE MOVED INTO THE CASTLE.
BUT THAT CASTLE WAS ALREADY PACKED WITH FISH...HOW'D HE MAKE ROOM?
"DIGNITY" WENT RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW.

HOW ARE YOUR NEW FISH DOING?
NOT GOOD... I CAN'T FIND "HOPE" AND "DREAMS".
WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?
I DON'T KNOW...
... BUT "REALITY" IS FATTER THAN EVER.

LOOK AT MY NEW FISH.
WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?
WELL, THERE'S "HOPE" AND "TRUTH" AND "REALITY" AND "DREAMS" AND "DIGNITY" AND "LOVE" AND—
IS THAT "LOVE" OVER THERE?
...THAT'S "LUST"... THEY'RE HARD TO TELL APART.

WINSTON CHURCHILL SAID, A LIE GETS HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD BEFORE THE TRUTH HAS A CHANCE TO GET ITS PANTS ON.
SO LIES DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON PANTS IN THE MORNING?
NO, YOU DUMB PIG.
AND THEY DON'T SHOWER?
NO, YOU MORON.
AND THEY DON'T PUT ON DEODORANT?
NO! NO! LIES DON'T SHOWER OR PUT ON DEODORANT OR WEAR PANTS!!
THAT'S A DIRTY, STINKING, NAKED LIE.
...THE TRUTH HURTS...

WHEN THE WORLD ENDS, I WANT TO BE RIGHT THERE BESIDE YOU.
THAT MAY BE THE NICEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME.
YEAH... WITH THE MEAT ON YOUR BONES, THEY'RE BOUND TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

HEY, RAT. WHERE'S CONNIE?
I LEFT HER. I REALIZED THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER LET ANYONE CONTROL YOUR LIFE, NO MATTER HOW BADLY YOU WANT A GIRLFRIEND.
YEAH, IT'S STRANGE HOW A LITTLE LONELINESS CAN MAKE YOU SO SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE SLIGHTEST ATTENTION FROM AN ATTRACTIVE PERSON.
WELL, I THINK WE'VE ALL LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON.
GOSH… DO YOU REALLY THINK I COULD BE AN UNDERWEAR MODEL?

RAT JUST SENT ME THIS LETTER SAYING I'M NO LONGER HIS FRIEND.
YEAH... I GOT IT, TOO. I GUESS CONNIE'S CONTROLLING HIS CHOICE OF FRIENDS NOW.
WHAT? THIS IS TOTALLY OUT OF HAND... WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN ONE PERSON DICTATING ANOTHER PERSON'S CHOICE OF FRIENDS?
...C'MON, NOW... HUG YOUR NEW MOM.

HI, CONNIE... IT'S ME, RAT... I'M STILL AT THE DINER WITH GOAT.
DON'T YOU FIND IT HUMILIATING THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND MAKES YOU CHECK IN WITH HER THAT OFTEN?
OH, PLEASE. YOU'RE MAKING IT SOUND MUCH WORSE THAN IT IS.
HI, CONNIE... IT'S ME, RAT... I'M STILL AT THE DINER WITH GOAT.

IT SEEMS SO UNLIKE RAT TO DATE SOMEONE WHO'S A CONTROL FREAK.
YEAH, BUT HE SAYS SHE'S CUTE ENOUGH TO PUT UP WITH IT.
THAT SEEMS LIKE AN AWFULLY HIGH PRICE TO PAY.
OH, I'M SURE HE'LL SPEAK UP FOR HIMSELF IF IT GETS TOO OUT OF HAND.
IT HURTS WHEN YOU JERK IT LIKE THAT.

I HEAR RATS DATING SOMEONE NEW.
YEAH... THEY CALL HER "CONTROLLING CONNIE."
SO SHE'S ONE OF THOSE REAL CONTROL FREAKS?
OH, I DON'T THINK SHE'S THAT BAD...
YOUR LAST SNEEZE WAS NOT ON OUR SCHEDULE.

BEFORE WE BEGIN THE JOB INTERVIEW, I’D LIKE TO GET A COPY OF YOUR RÉSUMÉ, IF I COULD.
OF COURSE. HERE YOU GO.
THIS IS A COCKTAIL NAPKIN.
YES. I WAS OUT OF PAPER-BUT I SCRIBBLED IMPORTANT STUFF ON THE BACK THERE.
UNDER “EDUCATION,” YOU HAVE NOTHING.
WELL, TO BE HONEST, WHAT I LACK IN EDUCATION, I MAKE UP FOR IN EXPERIENCE.
BUT UNDER “EXPERIENCE,” YOU ALSO HAVE NOTHING.
WELL, THERE’S NOT A LOT OF ROOM TO WRITE ON A COCKTAIL NAPKIN.
SIR, DID YOU FILL OUT ANY OF THESE SECTIONS?
YES. I FILLED OUT THE “INTERESTS” SECTION.
YOU WROTE “ADULT ENTERTAINMENT”?
WELL, I WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SPECIFIC, BUT I RAN OUT OF CRAYON.
...AND THEN HE JUST STARTED CRYING.

I BOUGHT A CHAIR AT THE FURNITURE STORE.
WHY?
BECAUSE I NEED TO TEST ALL OF THE SMOKE ALARMS IN OUR HOUSE.
AND YOU STAND ON A CHAIR?
I SET FIRE TO IT.

Dear C.N.N.,
I like your news, but every now and
then this real deep voice
comes on and says, "THIS..IS
C.N.N!" This raises an obvious
question.
...Why is Darth Vader
doing your promos?
P.S. Please buy some
pants for
Mr. King.

Dear Larry King,
Every time I watch your program, I notice they only show you from the waist up. This leads to an obvious conclusion.
...You're not wearing pants.
P.S. Somewhere a suspender salesman is laughing.

Dear Mr. Peter Jennings,
I have listened to you read this country's news for many years. Yesterday, I found out you are Canadian. This raises an obvious question.
Are you a spy?
P.S. Do not pat Mr. Koppel on the head.

Dear Ted Koppel,
Everyone says you wear a wig. Not me. I think it's a small, furry rodent.
I say this with some confidence because one night when you were doing a story on tobacco farming, a small pinkish hand poked out of your hair and waved hello.
p.s. Please give my regards.

Dear Dan Rather,
Everyone says you're a little nuts.
Not me.
I think you're special...
... like Kenny, the kid down
the block who got hit in
the head by a brick.
P.S. I think you'd
like Kenny.

- The brothers Zorro and Orro stabbed the soldier.
- Zorro made three quick slashes with his sword upon the wall, leaving his trademark "Z." Zorro hopped on his horse and fled.
- Orro made three quick slashes with his sword upon the wall, but it looked nothing like an "O."
- Frantically, Orro made more slashes, but it still looked nothing like an "O."
- Orro turned his face to the heavens and screamed, "Why are O's so @*$&%#$* hard?!" A group of soldiers shot Orro dead.
- Approaching the scene, the soldiers quickly recognized the dreaded mark of Zorro, but were baffled by Orro's "O."
- "Why did this man draw a triangle?" asked the first soldier. "I think it's a star," said the second.
"It's an illegible mess," declared the captain. "Shoot him again for bad penmanship." They shot Orro again.