Pearls Before Swine | Search

GEE, IVONA... THIS IS A GREAT FIRST DATE... WILL YOU MARRY ME?
WHAT?
UH... COULD YOU EXCUSE ME? I NEED TO USE THE RESTROOM.
OKAY, ####... WHY'D YOU HATE?
WRITE WHAT?
DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME, PASTIS. I'M GOING BACK OUT TO THAT PANEL, AND WHEN I DO, I EXPECT TO BE IN A QUIET, LITTLE DATE SCENE OR I'M CALLING THE EDITOR/FEATURES EDITOR AND HAVING THEM REPLACE THIS GAG STRIP WITH "HAGAR THE HORRIBLE"!!
I DON'T GET IT.

PIGITA DYED MY NEW LAMP BLUE. IT LOOKS REALLY BAD.
TELL HER... SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF... YOU CAN'T LET YOUR GIRLFRIEND WALK ALL OVER YOU.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?... GET MAD AT HER?
OF COURSE! RAGE! RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT!!
...THIS STRIP NEEDS HELP... SERIOUSLY.

THEY FINALLY FIRED THE GUY AT THE PHOTO PLACE AND REPLACED HIM WITH SOMEONE NEW.
GOOD. IT’LL BE NICE TO TAKE YOUR PHOTOS TO SOMEONE PROFESSIONAL WHO DOESN’T LOOK THROUGH THEM AND MAKE RUDE COMMENTS ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL LIFE.
YOUR HUSBAND IS ONE FAT MOTHER.

HI...I'M HERE TO PICK UP MY PHOTOS.
YEAH, WELL YOU'RE NOT GETTING THEM.
WHAT? WHY NOT?
BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME VERY UGLY FRIENDS...AND IF I GIVE THESE TO YOU, I'LL FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR SPREADING THE UGLINESS. PLEASE... EITHER MAKE SOME ATTRACTIVE FRIENDS OR STOP TAKING PHOTOS.
DID YOU GET BACK OUR VACATION PHOTOS?

HI...I'M HERE TO PICK UP MY PHOTOS.
HERE YOU GO...I NOTE THAT MOST OF THE SHOTS ARE SCENIC VISTAS.
NOT ONE OF THEM HAS PEOPLE POSING AND SMILING.
THIS TELLS ME YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS.
WHAT ARE YOU, THE UNABUMMER?
THAT DOES IT. YOU'VE INSULTED EVERYONE LONG ENOUGH.
I'M GONNA GATHER COMPLAINT LETTERS FROM ALL YOUR CUSTOMERS AND SEND THEM TO YOUR BOSS.
NICE TRY, BUT WE WON'T BE OPENING YOUR PACKAGES.

HI... I’M HERE TO PICK UP MY PHOTOS.
HERE YOU GO.
I NOTICED THAT IN A LOT OF THEM, YOUR GIRLFRIEND LOOKS A LITTLE BORED, LIKE SHE’S LOST INTEREST IN YOU. WHEN ONE COMPARES THESE SHOTS TO THE ONES YOU TOOK OF HER SMILING AT THE BEACH LAST SUMMER, IT BECOMES FAIRLY OBVIOUS: YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS STEADILY DETERIORATING.
WE NEED A NEW PHOTO PLACE.

HEY, CHICKEN, HOW GOES IT?
BAD. FARMER JAKE IS KEEPING US IN SQUALOR, WHILE HE PARADES AROUND IN THIS TWO-DOOR SPORTS CAR.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
ALL OF THE CHICKENS ARE GOING TO RISE UP, KILL JAKE, AND CLAIM HIS CAR IN THE NAME OF THE REVOLUTION.
A COUP BY THE COOP FOR THE COUPÉ?
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?
MY IMAGINARY FLYING FRIEND, JIMMY. JIMMY'S FLIGHT IS POWERED BY THE GOODWILL EXHIBITED BY OTHERS.
DUDE, THAT'S LAME.
PUTT...PUTT...PUTT...
MAYDAY! MAYDAY!
SPLAT!
...HERE'S A SHOEBOX.

THIS PACKAGE GOT SENT BACK TO ME.
WHAT'S IN IT?
A WHOLE BUNCH OF RARE STAMPS I'M SELLING TO A COLLECTOR.
WHY DIDN'T THEY DELIVER IT?
I FORGOT THE POSTAGE.

YEAH, PAL... WHAT CAN I GET YOU TO DRINK?
SHHH... I'M WAITING FOR THE GHOSTS.
WEREN'T YOU HERE LAST NIGHT? AND THE NIGHT BEFORE THAT?
YES... GOD GHOST HUNTERS ARE VEEERY PATIENT.
... FOR THE LAST TIME, MARTY, TAKE "SPIRITS" OFF THE SIGN.

THIS VACATION WAS A GOOD IDEA, PIGITA... WE REALLY NEEDED IT.
...WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?" (Query)
Def: To marital fights what "gentlemen start your engines" is to auto racing.
Proper Resp: None. Run like the wind.
... I ASKED YOU A QUESTION.

The monkey wept.
WHAT THE HECK KIND OF OPENING IS THAT?!? FIRST, YOU NEED TO SPEND SOME TIME SETTING THE SCENE AND INTRODUCING THE CHARACTERS.
"Oprah's on," said Fred the monkey.

I HEAR YOU VOL-UNTEERED AT THE MONASTERY'S FOOD FESTIVAL TODAY.
YEAH. I COOKED THE FRIED CHICKEN, BUT I GOT GREASE ON MY PANTS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
WHEN I WENT TO CHANGE THEM, I TRIPPED AND FELL ON ONE OF THE MONKS.
SO IT WENT FROM BAD TO WORSE?
FROM OUT OF THE FRYING PANTS INTO THE FRIAR.

I WANT TO RETURN THIS C.D... THE MUSIC IS TERRIBLE.
SORRY...WE ONLY GIVE REFUNDS IF THE C.D. IS DEFECTIVE.
WHAM
HOW'S THAT?

AND THEN SHE CUTS
IN FRONT OF ME, AND I
THINK, "WHAT DID I JUST
SAY?"
WHAT DID
YOU JUST
SAY?
LOOK FAMILIAR, FOLKS? YOU'RE ON
A DATE WHEN SUDDENLY, YOU SAY
THE WRONG THING... JUST ONCE LITTLE
SLIP AND YOU'VE GOT A
CATASTROPHE ON YOUR HANDS.
WELL, DO NOT FEAR,
BECAUSE NOW THERE'S
CHUMPY, THE ROBOTIC
DATING CLOWN!
WITH HIS ARRAY OF ZANY ANTICS, CHUMPY WILL
HAVE YOUR DATE FEELING GOOD AGAIN IN NO TIME.
SO SPEAK UP, CHUMPY STEPS IN
TO DISTRACT YOUR DATE, BUYING YOU
CRITICAL TIME TO GET BACK ON YOUR FEET.
AS YOUR DATE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY, YOU STEP
SEAMLESSLY BACK INTO THE SCENE, YOUR
CRISIS JUST NOW A DISTANT MEMORY.
YOU SURE
LOOK
LOVELY
TONIGHT.
YOUR PLACE
OR MINE?
ORDER
CHUMPY
TODAY!

LISTEN, PIG. IF WE'RE STUCK WITH HO CHI MINH, WE MIGHT AS WELL CASH IN.
CASH IN HOW?
LET'S TAKE HIM TO THE MALL AND EXPLOIT HIM.
HOW ARE WE GONNA DO THAT?
GO AHEAD, KID… TELL HO HO HO CHI MINH WHAT YOU WANT FOR NEXT CHRISTMAS.
PHOTOS $10.00

SO WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?
I PLAYED CHESS WITH HO CHI MINH. HE WON EIGHT STRAIGHT GAMES.
HE'S DEAD, PIG....
... I WASN'T REALLY TRYING.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU TODAY?
RAT AND I TRIED TO BUY SOME RICE ON THE INTER-NET, BUT INSTEAD, SOME-ONE SENT US SOME GUY... ...HO CHI MINH.
WHAT? SPEAK ENGLISH.
OH, PIGITA... RAT AND I GOT A HO.
...YOU CAN'T TELL THAT GIRL ANYTHING...

DID YOU HEAR THE VIETNAMESE GOVERNMENT HAS LOST THE PRESERVED BODY OF HO CHI MINH?
LOST IT?
YEAH... THEY WERE HAVING IT TRANSPORTED FOR RESTORATION AND THERE WAS A SHIPPING MIX-UP.
BUT HE WAS THEIR FORMER LEADER. WHERE COULD HE BE?
THAT'S THE LAST TIME I BUY RICE ON "E-BAY."

ALRIGHT, GUYS... THROW IN YOUR ANTE.
TOSS
SMACK
I BETTER NOT LOSE... SHE'S MY MOM'S ONLY SISTER.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TELL YOU TODAY'S SPECIAL?
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME TODAY'S SPECIAL.
YOU KNOW TODAY'S SPECIAL?
OH, I THINK JUST ABOUT EVERY DAY IS SPECIAL.
I THINK I SHOULD THROW YOU DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
OHH... NOT TODAY... IT'S SPECIAL.

DEAR MISTER LION,
I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU HUNT AND EAT ZEBRAS. BUT EVEN WORSE IS THE FACT THAT YOU DO IT WITH IMPUNITY.
DEAR ZEBRA,
I DO NOT HUNT WITH IMPUNITY.
I HUNT WITH LARRY.
P.S. YOU'D LIKE LARRY.
HE'S GOOD PEOPLE.
SIGH.........

WHAT'S WITH THE BROKEN LINE AROUND THE STRIP TODAY?
PASTIS SAYS IT'S TO HELP PEOPLE THAT MAY WANT TO CUT THE STRIP OUT OF THE PAPER.
WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
IN CASE WE'RE REALLY FUNNY TODAY AND THEY WANT TO PUT US ON THEIR REFRIGERATOR OR SOMETHING.
...THAT SILENCE YOU HEAR IS FOUR MILLION PAIRS OF SCISSORS NOT MOVING.

HEY... WHERE'S OUR T.V.?
GONE... WE WERE ROBBED.
ROBBED?... BUT HOW DID THEY GET IN?
THIRD PANEL.
WE GOTTA GET THAT FIXED.

HEY, WHERE ARE OUR PANELS TODAY?
PASTIS TOOK THEM TO GET WASHED, SO I'M JUST PASSING TIME IN FRONT OF THE T.V.
BUT THERE'S NO PICTURE.
I KNOW... SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG WITH THE T.V.
HERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.