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RAT TAKES ON THE "ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT" BUFFET
SIR, THE RATS CLEANED OUT THE ENTIRE BUFFET. THE SALAD BAR, THE ROAST BEEF, THE BAD PIZZA, THE MASHED POTATOES. EVERYTHING.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID ALL THIS JUST BECAUSE WE TOWED HIS CAR. HE'S DESTROYED THE RESTAURANT... HE'S GOTTA KNOW HE OVERREACTED, AND SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE, THAT'S GOTTA BOTHER HIM... I MEAN, WHAT ELSE CAN HE BE THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?
MURRAY'S TUXEDOS? YEAH, I THINK I'LL NEED A REFITTING...

SIR, I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO GET US BACK FOR TOWING YOUR CAR, BUT BELIEVE ME, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO EAT OUR ENTIRE BUFFET.
DUDE, I WON'T EVEN LEAVE A CROUTON.
HOW 'BOUT WE JUST PAY YOUR IMPOUND FEE AND CALL IT EVEN?
HOW 'BOUT YOU WAIVE YOUR FEE SO I CAN GO CLEAN OUT YOUR AU GRATIN POTATOES?!
FINE, IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT!
YOU BET THAT'S THE WAY I WANT IT! AND THAT'S NOT ALL I WANT!
OH?! WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?!
A PUSH.

HEY, THERE, RAT... I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED THIS "ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT" BUFFET.
I DON'T. I HATE IT.
THEN WHY DO YOU HAVE ALL THAT FOOD?
'CAUSE I WENT TO THE SHOE STORE YESTERDAY AND USED ONE OF THE RESTAURANT'S PARKING SPACES AND THE @#$#%@#'S HAD MY CAR TOWED... SO I'VE PAID THE $8.95 BUFFET FEE AND NOW I'M GOING TO CLEAN THESE @#$#%@#'S OUT.
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO HIT THE JOHN.

UPDATE
DICKIE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
NO, DICKIE, NO... BAD DICKIE... YOU CANNOT SLAP DUCT TAPE OVER ONE OF THE OTHER COMIC STRIP CHARACTERS... YOU TAKE THAT OFF NOW, DICKIE!
HEY! I DON'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HER. WE DO NOT COVER UP OTHER COMICS' PAGES, AND WE DO NOT DO IT WITH DUCT TAPE NOW, DICKIE!!!
I TELL YOU TWO WAY, BECAUSE MUSLIMS AND COFFEE PRICES BEEN GOIN' THRU THE ROOF, AND SEE THAT LITTLE CHARACTER OF A STRIP THAT BEEN AROUND TEN YEARS AGO AND YEARS HAS DUCT TAPE OVER HER MOUTH AND CAN NO LONGER EVEN TALK!
AND WHADDYA THINK THEY'RE GONNA THINK OF YOUR LITTLE WRAP, HUH? DICKIE? HUH? WHADDYA THINK THEY'RE GONNA THINK THEN??!!
THIS IS THE BEST "CATHY" I'VE SEEN IN TWENTY-FIVE YEARS.

THE MAN ON THE MOON
DEAR PIG... IT'S VERY LONELY ON THE MOON. FORTUNATELY, I HAVE CREATED MANY GAMES TO PLAY WITH MY GOLF BALLS. THOSE GOLF BALL GAMES ARE ALL THAT KEEP ME SANE.
OOOOOOOOH... TIDIEST...
GOOD BALLS... TAKE HOME... DRIVE BALL 15% FARTHER...
...I'M HAVING A BAD DAY.

THE MAN ON THE MOON
DEAR PIG... IT'S NOT EASY BEING THE MAN ON THE MOON...
ALL I HAVE IS A FLAG AND THREE GOLF BALLS.
FORTUNATELY, I'VE LEARNED HOW TO JUGGLE, WHICH HELPS TO PASS THE TIME,
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE, I THINK ONE OF THE BALLS IS DROPPING...

Dear Man on the moon,
How was your week?
Mine was good,
YOU DUMB PIG. THE "MAN ON THE MOON" IS A REFERENCE TO SOME FEATURES ON THE MOON'S SURFACE THAT LOOK LIKE A FACE... IT'S NOT SOME ACTUAL MAN SITTING AROUND WAITING TO GET A PERSONAL LETTER...NOW GIMME THAT, BEFORE YOU MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF.
... BLUBS... BLUBS... BLUBS... NUTS.

LISTEN, PAL... YOU KNOW THE CROCS NEXT DOOR ARE TRYING TO EAT YOU, BUT THERE'S NOTHING WE POLICEMEN CAN DO ABOUT IT.
WHAT? - THAT'S CRAZY. IF IT WERE A HUMAN THEY WERE TRYING TO EAT, YOU'D HAVE THEM DESTROYED.
YEP... THAT'S THE FOOD CHAIN FOR YOU.
BUT THAT'S RIDICULOUS. IMAGINE THAT YOU'RE ME AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE EATEN BY SOME PREDATOR AND HURLED INTO THE GREAT BEYOND... WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
I'D COME BACK AS A HUMAN.

Hi, Mr. Zeba… My friend say you to come to crocodile party here at frat house tonight…
Maybe he no mention hot zeba chicks that be here.
HOT ZEBA CHICKS?
Ohh, what surprise… One here now!
Ohhhhhh… Me so lonely… Me so lonely!!
Maybe he no like girls.

Helloooooo, new neigh-
bor... Listen, we have keg
party here at house tonight
and we want invite you...
You good guy!!

You're crocodiles... IF I
CAME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE,
YOU'D KILL ME AND DEVOUR
EVERY LAST PART OF ME...
NOW WHY WOULD I COME
TO A PARTY LIKE THAT?

HE MAKE GOOD POINT.

HEY, DID YOU MESS WITH THE "DICKIE THE COCKROACH" COMIC STRIPS I DREW?
YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I DREW A COMIC STRIP.
YEAH, IT'S ABOUT THIS COCKROACH WHO BEFRIENDS A RAT. SOMETIMES HE'LL BITE YOU SO YOU SAY SOMETHING DUMB, LIKE RUB HIS TOENAILS ALL OVER YOUR MOUTH...BUT SOMEONE ERASED YOUR DIALOG FROM ALL THE STRIPS I DREW.
HEY, MAYBE IT'S ONE OF THOSE FRANKENSTEIN-TYPE SITUATIONS WHERE YOUR CREATION COMES TO LIFE, ROSE OFF THE PAGE, AND AMBLED OFF TO TERRIFY THE VILLAGERS.
OH, MAN...WHAT A TRAGEDY THAT WOULD BE.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE ME AND YOU LIVE ON THE REAL TOON PAGE THAT IS JUST FILLED WITH FOLKS WHO UTTER INANITY AFTER INANITY. IF DICKIE GOT LOOSE HERE, THERE'S NO TELLING WHAT HAVOC HE'D WREAK.
MS. GOUSEWITE WILL NOT BE PLEASED.

HELLO?
Yes.. This is police. Come out house now coated in butter and oregano and lay down on neighbor's lawn. Do not ignores us. We is police!
*CLICK*
He no coming.

AT THE HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION MEETING
IF I UNDERSTAND YOUR GRIEVANCE, SIR, YOU’RE SAYING THAT THE OWNERS OF UNIT 8 ARE TRYING TO EAT YOU?
THAT’S CORRECT.
THEY’RE BORN PREDATORS.
IF GIVEN THE CHANCE THEY WILL KILL ME.
WELL, I EMPATHIZE WITH YOU SIR… BUT THERE IS NOTHING IN THE BYLAWS PROHIBITING NATURAL SELECTION.
YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME…
SO YOU’LL DO NOTHING?
WELL, IF THEY’RE EXCESSIVELY NOISY CHOMPERS, WE’LL FINE THEM.
We pay now… Keep change.

ALRIGHT, FOLKS, THE HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION MEETING WILL NOW COME TO ORDER. TONIGHT WE'LL NEED TO COVER THE REPAINTING OF THE COMMON FENCE, AS WELL AS UNIT 21'S COMPLAINT ABOUT UNIT 23'S EXCESSIVE USE OF THE GUEST PARKING SLOTS...
...AND THIS...
...AND A COMPLAINT FROM THE OWNER OF UNIT 19 THAT THE NEW OWNERS OF UNIT 13 ARE... ARE..... TRYING TO EAT HIM???
LIES! LIES!! AND MORE LIES!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M GETTING ZEBRA'S MAIL FOR HIM... EVER SINCE A FRATERNITY OF CROCODILES MOVED IN NEXT DOOR, HE'S A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT LEAVING THE HOUSE.
DON'T YOU THINK HE'S BEING A LITTLE PARANOID?
Phone bill high dis mont'.
NOT REALLY.

HI, CAN I HELP-- CROCODILES!! WHAT THE??
NO NO NO NO, NO BAD. GOOD. WE NEW NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR. WE START FRATERNITY. SEE SWEATER?
A FRATERNITY FOR CROCODILES? I'VE NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING. WHAT'S THE Z.Z.E. STAND FOR?
OH, DAT? IS GREEK LETTERS. YOU SAY IT MEAN "ZETA ZETA EPSILON."
BUT RODGER... JOESE... YOU!
HE DUMB. PRETEND HE NO HERE.

I HEAR YOU GOT SOME NEW NEIGHBORS. ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT MEETING THEM?
WHAT'S THERE TO WORRY ABOUT?...I'M SURE THEY'RE VERY NICE.
YOU MAY WANT TO SKIP THE HOUSEWARMING PARTY.

WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING?
IT'S MY NEW COMIC STRIP, "DICKIE, THE COCKROACH YOU LOVE TO LOATHE."
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
IT'S ABOUT A COCKROACH WITH NO TOLERANCE FOR STUPIDITY... IF YOU SAY SOMETHING STUPID, DICKIE TIES YOU UP AND SLAPS DUCT TAPE OVER YOUR MOUTH.
WHY DOES HE DO THAT?
BECAUSE DICKIE BELIEVES THAT STUPID PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO TALK. IN FACT, SOMETIMES HE GETS SO MAD, HE'LL EVEN BOP 'EM IN THE HEAD.
THAT'S NO WAY TO TREAT PEOPLE. EVERYONE DESERVES A CHANCE. YOU JUST GOTTA BE PATIENT AND SHOW SOME UNDERSTANDING.
BOO!

I'VE CALLED THIS PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE THE END OF BEEBEE BABIES.
THANKS TO A FEW WHINY, SNIVELING, LONG-HAIR, CONSUMER RIGHTS DO-GOODERS, BEEBEE BABIES WILL BE TAKEN OFF THE SHELVES.
... PROVING CLEARLY THAT THE SIXTIES WERE ONE BIG MISTAKE.

...AND IN OTHER NEWS, A GROUP OF CONSUMER ACTIVISTS FILED SUIT TODAY AGAINST THE BEEFIE BABIES CORPORATION.
THE SUIT ALLEGES THAT AFTER A FEW DAYS, BEEFIE BABIES BECOME ROTTEN, SMELL BAD AND BREED MAGGOTS.
WELL, DUH...

MY BEEFIE BABIES VENTURE WAS SO SUCCESSFUL I TOOK THE COMPANY PUBLIC.
HOW'S THE COMPANY DOING?
IT WAS DOING FINE, UNTIL SOME IDIOT RIPPED OFF MY IDEA AND STARTED SELLING TUNA BABIES.
GOSH...MAYBE I SHOULD START SELLING PORK BABIES.
GOTTA GO.

WHY ARE ALL THOSE PEOPLE LINED UP ON OUR LAWN?
I PUT AN AD IN THE PAPER FOR THE BEEFY BABIES.
THEN WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING HERE?
BECAUSE IF I MAKE THEM WAIT, I CAN SELL THEM FOR MORE.
THEY'RE PUNCHING EACH OTHER.
LEMME KNOW WHEN THEY DRAW BLOOD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE MAKING "BEEFIE BABIES." NO ONE WILL BUY THEM.
WRONG, YOU DUMB PIG...
...PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS BUY SOMETHING IF IT'S TERMED A "RARE, LIMITED EDITION."
BUT IT'S GROUND BEEF.
NO, NO... RARE, LIMITED EDITION GROUND BEEF.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE CLUMPS OF GROUND BEEF?
MAKING MYSELF RICH.
YOU'RE GONNA SELL BURGERS?
NO, MORON! I'M GONNA CREATE THE WORLD'S HOTTEST COLLECTIBLE.
CLUMPS OF GROUND BEEF ARE COLLECTIBLE?
THEY ARE WHEN THEY'RE "BEEFIE BABIES."

Dear Rest of the world,
I hear you think we’re nuts.
Well, it’s not true.
Only some of us are nuts.
So I had an idea. We’ll take our slingshots, airport wiffle balls, and send them to some island. You can gather up your slingshots, airport wiffle balls and do the same.
Once there, these cuckoo monkeys can strut and yell and jump and coo-coo at each other while the rest of us enjoy a nice cup of tea.
AWL! WHAT A NICE SENTIMENT TO SEND TO THE WORLD. SO BEAUTIFUL… DO YOU MIND IF I ADJUST SOMETHING?
Oh, you bet! The more you write, the better. Maybe the whole world can come together and sing and dance and play, and…
OBEY!
Minor tweak.