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I'M SORRY, BUT DID I JUST HEAR YOU TWO SAYING YOU'VE BOTH DATED MS. BOOTYWORTH?
YEAH, WHY?
BECAUSE SHE'S DATING MY COUSIN LARRY, THE OREGANO BOTTLE.
DUDE, I'VE WORKED THIS TABLE WITH YOU FOR TWO MONTHS AND YOU DON'T HAVE THE COURTESY TO TELL ME THAT THE WOMAN WHO BROKE MY HEART IS DATING YOUR COUSIN? WHO ELSE IS SHE DATING??
YO, BRO...WE SHOULD TALK.
WHOA, DAWG. YOU TOO?
STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!!
YO...LARRY? ...ABOUT THE WEDDING...

I'VE REALLY ENJOYED OUR DATE, MS. BOOTYWORTH.
EXCUSE ME, PAL, BUT I COULDN'T HELP OVERHEARING. DID YOU SAY YOU'RE DATING MS. BOOTYWORTH?
YEAH… WHY?
BECAUSE I DUMPED MY WIFE FOR THAT LITTLE TEMP- TRESS AND SHE ABANDONED ME… NOW MY LIFE IS RUINED AND I WANT TO KILL MYSELF.
THIS IS AWKWARD.

DEER CROCPOLIES, RECENTLY I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY COUSIN EPIDME, WHO YOU KULLED.
TO HELP YOU, WE HAD SPENT THOU-SANDS OF HOURS SELLING COOKIES DOOR-TO-DOOR TO RAISE MONEY FOR BOOKS. UPON COLLIGE SESSHUN, TO SHIP EPIDME TO COLLIGE. WE DID A GOOD JOB AND RAISE OUR HERD FROM THE PASTURE.
EVEN THOUGH EPIDME IS NOW DEAD, AND THERE IS NO MORE NEED TO RAISE MONEY, YOU OFFERED TO BUY ONE OF OUR BOOKS. WHILE WE SHOULD HAVE REJECTED YOUR USELESS OFFER, WE AGREED TO HAND EN EPIDME'S BODY TO THE BUTCHER. HE IS NOW FORGREN AND RAISING THE CASK OF HAVING THAT COOKIES AND BRING YOU $273.
TO DATE, YOU HAVE NOT PAID US A DIME.
CAN YOU PLEASE TELL US WHY YOU WISH TO UP THIS TERFYING AGGRAR-TING IMUMULAYSHUN ATOP YOUR SIN OF MURDERING MY COUSIN?!
DEER ZEEBAS, BEEg CASH PRO PROBLEMS. PLEESE BEE PAYSHUNT!

LISTEN, DUDE, I'M TELLING YOU... THAT PIG IS DATING THE SYRUP BOTTLE...
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE HE WON'T LET ME USE IT.
SO HE LIKES SYRUP... THAT HARDLY MEANS HE'S TAKING A LITTLE PLASTIC BOTTLE OUT ON DINNER DATES.
... SO HOW'S YOUR SOUP?
WHAT SOUP?

YOU'RE NOT REALLY GONNA EAT PANCAKES, ARE YOU?
NO, DUDE. I JUST SPENT A HALF HOUR COOKING THESE TO SEE IF WE COULD THROW THEM OUT THE WINDOW.
HIGH FIVE.

YOU'RE VERY SWEET, PIG, BUT REALLY, OUR LOVE WOULD NEVER WORK.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT, MS. BUTTYNORT?
WELL, FOR ONE THING, I'M A SYRUP BOTTLE. WHEN I'M EMPTY, I'LL BE THROWN AWAY AND RECYCLED.
NO! NO! NO! NEVER AGAIN WILL ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE EAT ANY--
PANCAKES!!

I DON'T KNOW, PIG. I JUST DON'T THINK YOU AND I CAN HAVE A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.
WHY NOT, MS. BOOTY-WORTH?
...BECAUSE... I... YOU...
...I'M SORRY. SOMETIMES I KEEP MY FEELINGS ALL BOTTLED UP INSIDE.

PIG, THIS IS ALL MOVING MUCH TOO FAST.
BUT WE'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER, MS. BODYWORTH... WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
LIKE WHAT?
WELL, FOR ONE THING, IF YOU OPEN EITHER ONE OF OUR HEADS, YOU WON'T FIND A BRAIN.
HOW FLATTERING.
OH... AND WE'RE BOTH FAT.

I CAUGHT PIG TALKING TO THE SYRUP BOTTLE THIS MORNING.
HE SURE SEEMS TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH A LOT OF INANIMATE OBJECTS.
YEAH, BUT IT WAS WORSE THIS TIME... LIKE IT WAS SOMETHING MORE THAN JUST ANOTHER ONE OF HIS DUMB BUDDIES.
YOU'RE PROBABLY READING A LITTLE TOO MUCH INTO IT.
THOSE HIPS, THOSE LIPS ... OH, KISS ME, MISS BOOTYWORTH!

DEAR CROCODILES, LAST WEEK YOU KIDNED MY BELOVED COUSIN, EDDIE. WHILE EDDIE MAY HAVE REPRESENTED JUST MORE MEAT TO YOU, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT HE REPRESENTED SO MUCH MORE TO US.
YOU SEE, EDDIE WAS THE SMARTEST, MOST AMBITIOUS ZEBRA IN OUR HERD. HAD HE LIVED, EDDIE WOULD'VE GONE TO A GOOD COLLEGE, GOT A BETTER JOB AND MADE ENOUGH MONEY TO LEAD THE HERD OUT OF THE PLAINS AND INTO A NEW LIFE. BUT NO, YOU CHANGED ALL THAT. WITH YOUR CANNIBALEROUS INSANITY, YOU TURNED US INTO A GROUP OF BROKES ZEBRAS WHO ARE FORCED TO SELL COOKIES DAUBED WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S POOR NAMES DOOR-TO-DOOR, ALL JUST TO RAISE MONEY FOR STUPID FUTILE COLLEGE TUITION.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE... FOR RUINING OUR FUTURE PLANS? ...TELL ME, YOU DESPICABLE BEASTS!
DEAR ZEEBAS, WE BUY BOX O' COOKIES. NOW WE EVEN.
SIGH...

DO YOU THINK YOUR LIFE WILL END WITH A BANG OR A WHIMPER?
BOTH, I GUESS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'BOTH'?
WELL, IF I GET SHOT, I'LL PROBABLY START CRYING, SO THAT WOULD BE A BANG, FOLLOWED BY A WHIMPER.
...NOW I'M GONNA WHIMPER.
HAPPY TRAILS, GOOD BUDDY.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
THIS STORY ON THE NEWS ABOUT SOME GUY WHO DROWNED.
THAT HAPPENED TO ME ONCE.
PIG... IF YOU DROWN, YOU DIE.
WOW. HEAVEN IS ONE HECKUVA LETDOWN.

I SENT A REMINDER POSTCARD TO MY DENTIST.
I THOUGHT DENTISTS SENT US REMINDER CARDS.
THEY DO... EVERY SIX MONTHS HE WRITES TO TELL ME TO GET MY TEETH CLEANED AND EVERY SIX MONTHS I WRITE BACK TO TELL HIM I HATE DENTISTS.
WE'RE LIKE PEN PALS, BUT WITHOUT THE PALS.

PIG... I THINK IT'S TIME WE TALKED ABOUT OUR FUTURE TOGETHER... WHERE DO YOU SEE YOU AND ME GOING ?
UH... TO THE MOVIES ?
BIG PICTURE.
I HOPE SO... I HATE THOSE TINY SCREENS.

HEY. WE BETTER
TELL NEIGHBOR
JOHN THAT HIS
"BEWARE OF DOG"
SIGN LOST A
LETTER.
I THINK HE'S
OUT OF TOWN,
BUT MAYBE
HIS WIFE
IS HOME.
CAN SHE
FIX IT ?
IT'S WORTH
A TRY.
CAN I
HELP YOU ?
NEVER
MIND.

I'M TRYING TO WRITE TO PIGITA AND TELL HER HOW MUCH I LOVE HER, BUT I JUST CAN'T EMPHASIZE IT ENOUGH.
ITALICIZE IT... IF YOU KNOW HOW.
OF COURSE I KNOW HOW.
GOOD.
DEAR-O PIGITA-O, I LOVE-O YOU-O MORE-O THAN-A RIGATONI AND-A MOSTACCIOLI AND-A RAVIOLI. LOVE-O, PIG-O.

What’s that thing?
It’s the "Broken People Fixer." For a hundred bucks, people can step inside and have their problems solved.
How does it work?
People who are stupid enough to think they can solve their problems by stepping into a cardboard box pay me $100. I take their money. I get rich.
What about them?
WHO KNOWS? I TAKE OFF BEFORE THEY CAN GET OUT OF THE BOX.
You’re a complete fraud. You steal people’s money.
No, no... I’m a capitalist... I capitalize on their stupidity.
Yeah, well no one’s gonna fall for this idiot trap.
Hey, you may know it’s an idiot trap. I may know it’s an idiot trap. But an idiot won’t know it’s an idiot trap... That’s the beauty of idiots... They’re idiots.
...Bad news, guys.

WHERE IS RAT TODAY? I THOUGHT HE HAD TAKEN THE STRIP HOSTAGE.
HE DID, BUT HE UTTERED SO MANY TRITE PUNCHLINES THAT THE COMIC POLICE BUSTED IN AND TOOK HIM AWAY.
WOW. I HAD NO IDEA YOU COULD BE IMPRISONED FOR TRITE COMIC PUNCHLINES.
YEAH. IT'S SCARY. I JUST HOPE HE'S NOT BEING HARASSED BY ONE OF THOSE PRISON GANGS.
DIDJA HEAR THAT, GUYS? THE RAT HERE THINKS HE DON'T HAFTA GIVE JEFFY HIS SMOKES.

OKAY, RAT. YOU'VE PUSHED YOUR LUCK TOO FAR. YOU'VE UTTERED SO MANY "GARFIELD" PUNCHLINES THAT THE STRIP IS DAMAGED IRREVOCABLY. YOU HAVE NO MORE LEVERAGE TO USE ON ME.
RITA... BRING THE RAT A COPY OF "CATHY: A TWENTY-YEAR RETROSPECTIVE".
I'M... GOING. TO KILL. YOU..
AAAAACK!! THE BATHING SUIT DOES NOT FIT!!
HAHAHA. THE RAT IS SO AMUSED.

OKAY, RAT... YOU GOT WHAT YOU ASKED FOR. NOW PUT DOWN THE "GARFIELD" BOOK AND UNLOCK THE PANEL.
OH, NO... I'M NOT FINISHED, PASTIS. FROM NOW ON, YOU WILL DEPICT ME AS A ROMAN EMPEROR SURROUNDED BY HOT CHICKS WHO ARE FEEDING ME GRAPES. AND AHH, YES, I WILL SPEAK OF MYSELF ONLY IN THE THIRD PERSON.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
SHHHH... I AM TRYING TO SNEAK UP ON A SPIDER AND CRUSH HIM WITH MY ROLLED-UP NEWSPAPER. THIS, MY FRIEND, IS COMEDY!
YOU HAVE PLEASED THE RAT.

LISTEN, PASTIS... EITHER YOU GIVE ME WHAT I WANT, OR I RUIN THIS STRIP BY UTTERING A NEW 'GARFIELD' CATCHPHRASE EVERY HOUR, ON THE HOUR!
OKAY, RAT... YOU WIN... WHAT DO YOU WANT?
SALARY. TRIPLE IT.
MY DRESSING ROOM. STOCK IT WITH 'M&M'S.' BUT NO RED ONES. I HATE THE RED ONES.
IT'S YOURS.
THE STRIP'S NAME. CHANGE IT TO 'WORSHIP THE RAT.'
OH, DUDE, PLEASE... YOU CAN'T...
'ODIE... YOU HAVE BONE BREATH.'
THAT'S BETTER.
OKAY, MAN, YOU'VE GOT YOUR WHAT YOU WANT. NOW JUST PUT... THE... BOOK... DOWN...

YOU HEARD ME RIGHT, PASTIS. UNTIL YOU START TREATING ME LIKE THE COMIC SUPERSTAR I AM, I WILL CONTINUE TO LOCK MYSELF IN THESE PANELS AND UTTER PUNCHLINES FROM THIS "GREAT BIG BOOK OF 'GARFIELD.'"
YOU CAN'T DO THAT, RAT... YOU'LL DESTROY "PEARLS."
OH, I CAN'T, HUH? WATCH ME.
LISTEN, RAT... I KNOW THAT YOU DEPEND ON THIS STRIP AS MUCH AS I DO... YOU'RE NOT GONNA RISK DESTROYING IT. SO YOUR BLUFFING HAS NO EFFECT ON ME.
I LIVE FOR MY LASAGNA.
HOLY &#@#! ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! LET'S TALK, MAN, LET'S TALK!!

WHAT'S WITH THE LOCKS ON THE PANEL FRAMES?
IT'S TO KEEP PASTIS OUT. WE'RE TAKING THIS STRIP HOSTAGE.
WHY?
BECAUSE RAT IS A COMICS SUPERSTAR AND RAT DEMANDS RESPECT... SO UNTIL PASTIS STARTS COMPENSATING RAT APPROPRIATELY, RAT IS GONNA LOCK HIMSELF IN AND TAKE DOWN THIS ENTIRE STRIP.
BUT HOW?
BEHOLD! THE LAST FOUR YEARS OF "GARFIELD" PUNCHLINES!
THE SECRET OF LIFE IS EATING LASAGNA!
...I HATE MONDAYS.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? ARE YOU INSANE??
YOU'RE INSANE! I REGRET EVER MARRYING YOU, YOU CHEAP, DUMB FAILURE !!!
LOOK FAMILIAR, FOLKS? YOU'RE WITH FRIENDS WHEN SUDDENLY, YOU AND YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER GET IN A BIG, NASTY FIGHT. YOU BOTH FEEL EMBARRASSED... TIRED OF THE EMBARRASSMENT... WE NOW HAVE HELP...
HI. I'M DR. RAT, AUTHOR OF THE BEST-SELLING RELATIONSHIP REPAIR BOOK "LOVE, IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME YELLING, GET OUT NOW BECAUSE I'M NOT CHANGING"... YOU MAY HAVE SEEN MY LECTURES ON RAT TV... WE'RE OFFERING YOU EIGHT FULL HOURS OF OUR VIDEOCASTS FOR JUST $29.99...
AS 97% OF MARITAL FIGHTS BEGIN WITH CONVERSATIONS, WE'VE NOW ADAPTED THE CONVERSATION TO THIS SIMPLE FORMULA... NOW YOU YELL BEFORE THEY YELL... TRUST ME, YOU'LL LOVE THE RESULTS!
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL... BECAUSE SOME CONVERSATIONS YOU JUST CAN'T AVOID, OUR VIDEO WILL TEACH YOU OUR ADAPTATION OF THE AMISH "SILENT TREATMENT", WHICH WILL ENSURE YOUR FIGHTS WILL NEVER USE WORDS OF ANY KIND...
BUT WE'RE STILL NOT DONE! ORDER TODAY AND YOU CAN SAY

Dear Sammy Sosa,
Every time you go out to the field,
you sprint, while all the other
players just walk. This raises
an obvious question.
...ARE YOU IN TROUBLE
WITH THE LAW?
P.S. If so, please send me
an autograph before it's
too late.