Pearls Before Swine | Search

GOODBYE, WEE BEAR.
I'LL WRITE YOU EVERY DAY...
WOW, WHERE'D YOU GET THAT NAME?
I SHOULD TELL YOU, PIG, THAT MY NAME IS NOT REALLY WEE BEAR... MY REAL NAME IS MOSES SAVIO CHAVEZ...
MOSES IS FOR ROBERT MOSES, THE CIVIL RIGHTS ACTIVIST WHO STRESSED TO HELP BLACKS VOTE IN MISSISSIPPI... SAVIO IS FOR MARIO SAVIO, WHOSE FAMOUS SPEECH FROM A POLICE CAR IGNITED THE FREE SPEECH MOVEMENT, AND CHAVEZ IS FOR CESAR CHAVEZ, WHOSE HUNGER STRIKES IMPROVED THE LIVES OF IMMIGRANT FARM WORKERS.
I'M CALLED 'PIG' BECAUSE... I'M A PIG.
FASCINATING.

ALRIGHT, YOU DUMB PIG. COME WITH ME. YOUR RECORD CHECKED OUT CLEAN, BUT YOUR LITTLE FRIEND’S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
WHAT? WHY NOT?
OUTSTANDING WARRANTS... ALL OF THEM. TURNS OUT YOUR LITTLE FRIEND HAS BEEN ARRESTED IN JUST ABOUT EVERY LONG-HAIR DEGENERATE FRIEND SYNDROME FROM NEW YORK TO SEATTLE. NOW HURRY UP AND MEET ME DOWN THE HALL.
DO NOT WORRY, WEE BEAR. I WILL SMUGGLE YOU A SAW IN A CAKE AND YOU CAN SAW THE BARS OVER TIME... WHEN YOU GET OUT, RUN TO THE EAST GATE, WHERE I’LL BE WAITING IN A RENTED PICKUP TRUCK...
COULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?

HI, RAT. IT'S ME, PIG... LISTEN, I JOINED THAT BEAR IN HIS PROTEST AGAINST BIG BOX STORES AND WE GOT IN A LITTLE BIT OF—
DUDE DUDE DUDE. DO NOT INTERRUPT DURING "THE REAL WORLD." YOU KNOW THAT...
NO, NO, NO. I KNOW THAT. I WOULDN'T CALL UNLESS IT WAS REALLY IMPORTANT...
AS IMPORTANT AS FINDING OUT WHETHER SARAH AND M.J. ADMIT THE FEELINGS THEY HAVE FOR ONE ANOTHER DURING THEIR SHORT TIME TOGETHER IN PHILLY???! DON'T THINK SO. *CLICK*
IT'S A SHAME WE ONLY GET ONE CALL.

HELLO, PIG... HAVE YOU DECIDED TO JOIN OUR PROTEST AGAINST THIS BIG BOX STORE AND ITS DAMAGING EFFECT UPON LOCAL BUSINESSES?
YEP... I EVEN BROUGHT YOU THIS CASE OF PENS TO HELP YOU MAKE SIGNS.
WOW... THAT'S TERRIFIC... WHERE'D YOU GET THEM?
HERE... WHERE I BUY EVERYTHING... YOU CAN'T BEAT THEIR PRICES!
NOW... WHO WANTS A COOL REFRESHING SODA?

HELLO, FRIEND. WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN OUR PROTEST AGAINST THE NEW, BIG BOX STORE DOWNTOWN?
YOU BET I WILL! WILL THERE BE FLOATS AND TUBAS AND HAPPY ELEPHANTS?
SIR... YOU'RE THINKING OF A PARADE.
YOU BET I'M THINKING OF A PARADE!! AREN'T YOU THINKING OF A PARADE?
I'M THINKING OF MOVING ON TO THE NEXT GUY.
I'M THINKING THAT... I LOVE A PARADE THE TRAMP OF FEET I LOVE EVERY BEAT I HEAR OF A DRUM...

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, I'M WEE BEAR... AND I'M TRYING TO SIGN UP
PEOPLE FOR TODAY'S PROTEST AGAINST THE NEW, BIG BOX
STORE DOWNTOWN. IT DEPRESSES WAGES AND KILLS LOCAL BUSINESSES.
THAT'S GREAT. HERE'S TEN BUCKS.
FOR THE MOVEMENT?
FOR A TWENTY-FOUR PACK OF TOILET PAPER. . .I'M OUT.

I DON'T THINK WE REACHED HIM.

HEY, LOOK AT THIS... MY NEW SHIRT HAS A LITTLE TAG WITH INSTRUCTIONS ON IT.
YEAH, THEY TELL YOU HOW TO CARE FOR THE SHIRT.
YOU MEAN PEOPLE CARE FOR THE SHIRT IN A CERTAIN WAY JUST 'CAUSE THAT LITTLE TAG TELLS THEM TO?
YEP.
"...100% PIG. HUG. HOLD. FEED. AND PLEASE... BE NICE."
...LEMME PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD. I'LL TELL HIM I CAN'T READ.

WHY DO YOU COME TO THIS MALL EVERY DAY AND STARE AT THAT STUPID SIGN?
I'M TRYING TO FIND MYSELF.

IF THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF A DEMOCRACY IS BASED UPON AN INFORMED POPULACE, AND NO ONE IN THAT POPULACE READS ANYMORE, WHAT HAPPENS TO THE DEMOCRACY?
DO I TALK WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING "GAMEBOY"?

I'VE STARTED A NEW PHILOSOPHY. IT'S CALLED "MULLIGANOLOGY," AND IT'S SWEEPING THE NATION.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
WELL, IN GOLF, WHEN YOU SCREW-UP A DRIVE, YOU CAN JUST SAY "MULLIGAN" AND YOU GET TO TAKE THE SHOT OVER. IT'S LIKE THE SCREWUP NEVER HAPPENED. A MULLIGANOLOGIST SEEKS TO APPLY THAT RULE TO ALL ASPECTS OF HIS LIFE.
LIKE WHAT?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH YOUR SECRETARY?!?
MULLIGAN.

SO IF WE PAY JUST $700 FOR A MILLION DOLLAR INSURANCE POLICY ON YOUR LIFE, AND YOU HAVE AN UNFORTUNATE "ACCIDENT," WE'D BE RICH... WE'D BE MILLIONAIRES.
YOU'D BE A MILLIONAIRE.
I'D BE DEAD.
DO YOU HAVE TO PUT A NEGATIVE SPIN ON EVERYTHING?

WHY'D THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Answer: 1 Mile
TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE
I SAW THAT JOKE COMING A MILE AWAY.

WELL, HELLO, LISA. WHERE YOU OFF TO?
I'M GOING ON A SINGLES CRUISE... I'M HOPING TO MEET SOMEONE I CAN FINALLY SETTLE DOWN WITH... SOMEONE WHO ACCEPTS ME FOR WHO I AM.
WELL, GOOD LUCK, 'CAUSE BOY OH BOY, YOU SURE HAVE A LOT OF BAGGAGE.
... THAT DIDN'T COME OUT RIGHT.

EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
FAINT
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
EEEE
You know, pal, the next time you want to surprise your girlfriend with a string quartet serenade for her birthday, you may want to wait till she's out of the shower.
Prahn-Zne NGRZ...

HELLO, RAT... I JUST THOUGHT I'D LEAVE YOU WITH A FEW OF MY POSSESSIONS, AS I PLAN ON DOING MYSELF IN TONIGHT.
LISTEN, ALPHONSE, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
OH MY GOODNESS! YOU CARE...!!
YOU BET I CARE...
... I DON'T WANT THIS CR@P ON MY LAWN.

HI, RAT. I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M HAVING A "CELEBRATE ALPHONSE" POLLOCK DINNER NIGHT AT MY HOUSE ON TUESDAY. JUST A CHANCE FOR MY FRIENDS TO GATHER TOGETHER AND SHARE A LITTLE BIT ABOUT WHAT I MEAN TO THEM.
DUDE... YOU DON'T GET IT... YOU'RE A PATHETIC, NEEDY, OBLIVIOUS, DRAMA QUEEN LOSER... NOBODY LIKES YOU... GO AWAY... NEVER COME BACK.
CAN I PUT YOU DOWN FOR A JELLO RING?

RAT CONFRONTS PIG'S "FUTURE-TELLING" TOASTER
THIS TOASTER CAN'T PREDICT ANYTHING... TAKE IT BACK TO THE STORE AND GET A REFUND. I WORK HARD FOR MY MONEY. I REFUSE TO BE RIPPED OFF.
CAN IT WAIT TILL TOMORROW? I TOLD SOME OF OUR NEIGHBORS ABOUT THE TOASTER'S PSYCHIC ABILITY AND THEY'RE PAYING ME SOME MONEY FOR A READING...
PREPAAAAAARE TO BE AMAZZZZZZZED!!!
THE TOASTER KNOWS!!

RAT CONFRONTS PIG'S "FUTURE-TELLING" TOASTER
THIS TOASTER'S A SHAM. HE'S JUST PREDICTING PAST EVENTS. HE NEEDS TO PREDICT A FUTURE EVENT, AND IT HAS TO BE ONE WE CAN'T CONTROL.
FINE.
MARTIN SCORSESE WILL MAKE A VIOLENT MOVIE. HUSBANDS WILL CHEAT ON THEIR WIVES. THERE WILL BE CONFLICT IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
...THAT'S NOT FAIR.
OH, AND THE VAST MAJORITY OF NEWSPAPER COMIC STRIPS WILL CONTINUE TO BE IRRELEVANT RELICS FROM THE 1930'S.
I LOVE THOSE STRIPS!

OH, GREAT TOASTER, PLEASE MAKE ANOTHER PREDICTION...
BARCELONA WILL HOST THE 1992 SUMMER OLYMPICS.
DUDE-- YOU'RE A FRAUD. ALL YOU'RE DOING IS SAYING STUFF THAT'S ALREADY HAPPENED... TELL ME SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN!!
FINE... HERE'S ONE... YOUR BAGEL WILL BE BURNED TO A CRISP... DING!!
INCREDIBLE!

HEY, LOOK AT THIS NEW
TOASTER I GOT FOR NINE
DOLLARS... IT HAS FOUR
SETTINGS, A DEFROST
FEATURE AND THE ABILITY
TO PREDICT THE FUTURE
PREDICT
THE FUTURE?
LEMME
HEAR
SOMETHING.
BJORN BORG WILL DEFEAT
JOHN MCENROE FOR THE
1979 WIMBLEDON CROWN.
DUDE, HE'S NOT PRE-
DICTING THE FUTURE.
HE'S PREDICTING
THE PAST.
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT
FOR NINE DOLLARS?

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TO TODAY'S SEANCE, WHERE WE WILL TRY TO REACH EACH OF YOUR DECEASED RELATIVES AND... WAIT... WAIT... I'M FEELING A PRESENCE ALREADY...
GOOOOAT...GOOOOAT...IT'S GRAAAAA...
GRANDPA!! GRANDPA!! HOW'VE YOU BEEN?!?!
HOLD ON...I'M FEELING ANOTHER PRESENCE...
ZEEEEBRA...ZEEEEBRA....IT'S YOUR AUNT HILDE...
AUNT HILDE!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!
HANG ON, FOLKS...SOMEONE ELSE IS WITH US...I FEEL LIKE IT'S A... BUT IT SEEMS TO BE A...
...SAUSAGE LINK??
UNCLE GEORGE!!
WHO??
PFFFFF...
IT'S MY UNCLE GEORGE! HE WAS TAKEN TO THE PARK FLOAT LAST SPRING AND NEVER SEEN AGAIN! MY BASEBALL HIT HIM AND HE FLEW BACK INTO THE LAKE! WE WERE GONNA GO FISH HIM OUT, BUT NO TIME!! WHAT--
...SORRY, DUDE...THOUGHT THIS MIGHT BE A LITTLE MORE BELIEVABLE.

Dear Pearls Reader:
We interrupt today’s scheduled strip to bring you this announcement.
Late last evening, we received a letter from the attorneys for Scott Adams, who has been featured in this week’s series of strips.
The attorneys for Mr. Adams allege that Pearls has "falsely portrayed the Dilbert creator as a bizarre, obese, insatiable and reclusive Elvis impersonator who sends his behind the gates of his mansion shooting televisions, ripping his pants, and indulging in soliloquies, and is now legally liable."
The attorneys for Mr. Adams have also asked that Stephan Pastis, the creator of the offending strips, issue a retraction in place of today's strip.
In addition, the attorneys have demanded that the first two installments of this week's strip be withdrawn from newspapers. According to the Elvis analogy in the attorneys' request took the Elvis analogy to "an inappropriate extreme" by portraying Mr. Adams atop a toilet, whereupon he subsequently expired ignominiously of a drug overdose."
While the creator of Pearls will issue neither an apology nor a retraction, he has agreed to withhold a publication of the first two panels.
We rejoin the strip in progress.
...AND HE WAS SUCH A PROMISING CARTOONIST.

I'M SORRY, BUT DOES SCOTT ADAMS ALWAYS SPEND THE NIGHT DOING KARATE MOVES ON HIS FRONT LAWN?
YES... BUT HE STOPS AT SUNRISE.
THEN WHAT?
THEN HE EATS SIX FRIED PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES, GETS SOME PILLS FROM DR. NICK AND SLEEPS 'TIL NOON.
AGAIN, MR. ADAMS?

RAT TRAPPED INSIDE THE GATES OF
SCOTT ADAMS' GRACEREBT MANSION
AND I REALLY RELLY THINK THE BOSS AN
ETCH-A-SKETCH!
SHUT UP! YOUR BROWN-
NOSING HAS ANGERED MR.
ADAMS. NOW YOU'VE MADE
HIM SHOOT A TELEVISION.
LISTEN, MA'AM, I
KNOW YOU THINK
IT WAS ME IN
THAT BULLDOZER,
BUT IT WASN'T...
IF YOU UNITE ME,
I'LL TELL YOU WHO IT
WAS AND BRING HIM
TO YOU, I SWEAR.
MR. ADAMS SAYS YOU
HAVE TEN
MINUTES TO GET
THAT PERSON
HERE...
MUMRUM MRMMMM
MMMUM
MMMM MMM
GMMUM
SCOTT ADAMS?
THE SCOTT ADAMS?
THE ONE WHO DRAWS
"DILBERT?" YOU BET
I'D LOVE TO COME TO
HIS HOUSE!

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT MR. ADAMS WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE DAMAGE YOU'VE CAUSED TO THE GATES OF GRACEBERT.
FINE... BIG DEAL... WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS?... I'M NOT AFRAID OF SOME FOUR-EYED, "DOCKERS"-WEARING, POCKET-PROTECTOR-LOVING ENGINEERING LOSER...
...YOU REALLY NEED TO UPDATE YOUR WEB PHOTO.