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Dear Mr. Rat,
I am in receipt of the next
three chapters of your saga
Of Angry Bob, which you
submitted to us for possible
publication.
Please be advised that we here
at the New Yorker have plumbed the
lifeless prose of hacks such as
John Updike, Joan Didion and
Norman Mailer.
Why just this morning we thought
to ourselves, "What we really need
is something written by someone
with a third-grade education
discussing the merits of
tossing their own excrement
at zoo animals."
Imagine our surprise
when we opened your
submission and discovered
your story.
How reassuring it is to
know that the future of
Western literature lies
squarely in monkey $#%&.
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
THE CHALLENGE NOW IS
TO REMAIN HUMBLE.

RAT AND PIG QUIT THE MONASTERY.
BUT I THOUGHT THEIR APOCALYPTIC REFRIGERATOR SCARED THEM INTO LEADING RELIGIOUS LIVES.
NOT ANYMORE...THEY'VE VOWED TO NEVER LET AN APPLIANCE DOMINATE THEIR LIVES AGAIN.
... I CAN'T FEEL MY BUTT.

BROTHERS, IT'S COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT DURING THE NUNS' VISIT YESTER-DAY, SOMEONE HERE WHISTLED AND YELLED, "HEY, LADIES."
WITHOUT CASTING ASPERSIONS ON ANY ONE PARTICULAR BROTHER, I'D JUST ASK THAT EACH OF YOU RE-EXAMINE THE DEPTH OF YOUR COMMITMENT TO THE MONASTIC LIFE.
LEAVE IT TO ONE GUY TO RUIN IT FOR THE REST OF US.

I CAN'T BELIEVE RAT AND PIG HAVE JOINED A MONASTERY... THEY MUST NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT BEING A MONK ENTAILS.
I'M SURE THEY CAREFULLY CONSIDERED ALL THE RAMIFICATIONS BEFORE MAKING SUCH A DEEP, SPIRITUAL COMMITMENT.
...DUDE...FOR THE LAST TIME... THERE IS NO "PIZZA AND BEER" NIGHT.

I HEAR PIG AND RAT BELIEVE THEIR REFRIGERATOR IS A PROPHET OF DOOM.
YEAH, AND IT'S SCARED THEM SO BADLY THAT THEY'VE APPARENTLY DECIDED TO MAKE SOME SERIOUS CHANGES IN THEIR LIVES.
HOW SERIOUS?
HOW DO YOU SPELL "LEVITICUS"?

LISTEN, MORON... WE DO NOT HAVE AN APOCALYPTIC REFRIGERATOR... WE PROBABLY JUST JOSTLED A COUPLE OF THE MAGNETIC LETTERS AND COINCIDENTALLY, THEY SPELLED OUT THE WORD "REPENT."
AND IN THOSE DAYS SHALL MEN SEEK DEATH, AND SHALL NOT FIND IT; AND SHALL DESIRE TO DIE AND DEATH SHALL FLEE FROM THEM
REVELATION 9:6
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE IN CHURCH.

THE MAGNETIC LETTERS ON OUR REFRIGERATOR ARE FORMING THEMSELVES INTO WORDS... LOOK.
THE END IS NEAR
GIMME A BREAK, MORON. YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE WE HAVE THE WORLD'S ONLY APOCA-
LYPTIC REFRIGERATOR?!
REPENT
LET'S EAT OUT.

The Adventures of Angry Bob
by Rat
Angry Bob was angry. He went to the zoo.
Bob bought a pretzel and a can of soda pop and sat on a green bench facing the monkey cage. The hungry monkeys stared at Bob.
It is a good day for the zoo, Bob thought. I am sweating and the pretzels are warm and the soda is refreshing.
I am happy, Bob exclaimed. I thought a warm pretzel and a refreshing soda pop would do it. All it took was a warm pretzel and a refreshing soda and a comfortable bench by the monkey cage.
A projectile struck Bob in the ear. A monkey screeched. More projectiles followed. Bob ran...
...straight into the path of the zoo's biannual Parade of Elephants.
Bob popped like a grape and died.
DON'T TAUNT THE MONKEYS.

Dear Bob Woodward,
Please tell me the identity of "Deep Throat".
...I’m thinking Dan Marino.
YOU DUMB PIG...THAT WASN’T HIS NAME.
...I’m thinking John Elway.

LISTEN, RAT. ONE OF US HAS TO BREAK THE NEWS TO ZEBRA THAT HIS COUSIN LARRY'S DEAD.
WELL, I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. HE LOVED THIS STUPID GUY.
WELL, MAYBE WE COULD DO IT IN A WAY THAT'S BOTH EASY FOR US AND SENSITIVE TO ZEBRA'S NEEDS.
OKAY.
I CAN DO THAT.

HI, ZEBRA...THIS IS RAT...LISTEN, I THINK PIG FOUND YOUR MISSING COUSIN, LARRY.
FOUND HIM??! HE FOUND LARRY??! OUR LARRY??!
OH, HOW I'VE LONGED TO SEE HIM AGAIN AND EMBRACE HIM AND CATCH UP ON ALL THE PRECIOUS MOMENTS WE'VE MISSED IN EACH OTHER'S LIVES!!
HOW IS HE??...HOW IS HE??...HOW IS HE??
...HE'S CHANGED.

PIG IS GONNA BREAK INTO SAFARI BOB'S HOUSE AND FREE THE ANIMALS.
FREE THEM? THOSE ARE STUFFED ANIMAL HEADS.
HE THINKS THEY'RE LIVING ANIMALS WHO JUST POKED THEIR HEADS IN AND GOT STUCK, SO HE'S GONNA TRY AND PULL THEM OUT OF THE WALL.
OH, C'MON. YOU REALLY THINK HE'S THAT STUPID?
...FOLKS, AGAIN, IF I'M PULLING TOO HARD, YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING.

HI, SAFARI BOB. THIS IS MY PAL, RAT... HE WANTED TO SEE YOUR COLLECTION OF BIG GAME.
WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR HAND?
A CARROT... I BROUGHT IT FOR THE MOOSE.
PIG... THAT MOOSE IS STUFFED.
WHAT'S ONE MORE CARROT?

I WENT TO SAFARI BOB'S HOUSE TODAY.
IS THAT THE NEIGHBOR THAT HUNTS BIG GAME?
I DON'T KNOW. BUT I DO KNOW THAT WHILE I WAS THERE, A BUNCH OF ANIMALS STOPPED BY AND POKED THEIR HEADS THROUGH HIS DEN WALL.
YOU DUMB PIG. THOSE ARE ANIMALS HE'S SHOT.
YOU'D THINK THEY'D LEARN.

Angry Bob was angry. "I need to buy an old rocking chair, put it on my porch, and be happy."
Bob bought the house he wanted and sat on his big, wide front porch in a rocking chair and rocked.
Bob drank a big glass of ice cold lemonade and rocked. Bob rocked.
Bob watched as the neighbor's cat, Wilfy, played in the yard. Wilfy rolled. Wilfy played. Wilfy purred. Bob rocked.
Bob watched as little Jimmy the paperboy rode his green bicycle, tossing out the morning newspapers. Bob rocked.
Rocking, Bob achieved the sense of nirvana he had long sought. "On my big, wide front porch, in my rocking chair, I am happy."
"Happy," he repeated to himself, smiling.
A Sunday paper struck Bob in the head. He fell out of his chair and died.
"Heads," yelled the paperboy, after the fact, as he stole Bob's rocking chair and rode off.
...ALWAYS TIP YOUR PAPERBOY.

STOP IT, DUDE...I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE WHO PUT THOSE LITTLE PUNCTUATION MARK FACES AFTER THEIR SENTENCES.
WOW. YOU'RE REALLY MAD. :O
STOP IT, DUDE.
I'M JUST KIDDING. ;-)

...PEOPLE THAT SAY NIFTY. PEOPLE THAT PUT THOSE LITTLE PUNCTUATION MARK FACES AFTER THEIR SENTENCES. PEOPLE THAT...
WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
A LIST OF ALL THE PEOPLE I'M GONNA SHOVE OFF A CLIFF SOME DAY.
NIFTY.
WHAT??
:)

BEFORE YOU JUDGE A MAN, YOU SHOULD WALK A MILE IN HIS SHOES.
YOU SHOULD RUN A MILE IN HIS SHOES.
WHY WOULD YOU RUN?
YOU JUST STOLE HIS SHOES.
... HE HATES IT WHEN I'M RIGHT.

WELCOME TO RATS FIRST EVER "MAGIC PICTURE" EXPERIMENT... JUST PLACE YOUR NOSE AGAINST THE NEXT PANEL, STARE FOR A FULL THIRTY SECONDS, AND SEE IF YOU CAN SEE THE HIDDEN PICTURE.
THERE. ALL DUMB PEOPLE ARE NOW MARKED BY A BLACK SMUDGE ON THEIR NOSE.
WHAT'S THAT?

I HEAR THAT YOUR BUDDY, DAVEY DOG, GOT FIRED FROM HIS JANITOR JOB.
YEAH... HE SAID HE HAD SWEPT A BUILDING WHEN HE HADN'T.
AND THEY FIRED HIM FOR THAT?
YEAH...
THEY REFUSE TO LET SWEEPING DOGS LIE.

...FOR THE VACATION OF A LIFETIME,
VISIT AUSTRALIA... AND WE'LL
THROW ANOTHER SHRIMP ON
THE BARBIE FOR YOU.
MAYBE IT'S MORE FUN
IN AUSTRALIA.

I need a vacation
So Angry Bob went to Hawaii
This is nice. I got a little hotel room
It was not "so nice." It was the "I do not like this" hotel
Angry Bob went to his hotel bar overlooking the ocean. And he drank. Soon, he was happy
After a few more drinks, Bob decided to use the bathroom. "Second door to the right," said the bartender
Angry Bob walked down the hall, a tear of joy running down his drunken cheek
So this is what it is like to be truly happy, Bob exclaimed, as he touched the third door on the left, which led out the back of the bar and straight down into the ocean
Angry Bob fell into the cold, dark sea. Drowning, Bob realized that the same booze that had brought him such bountiful joy had also disguised its evil side. Lesson learned, Bob died
I always like to end on an uplifting note

YOU KNOW, IF WE GOT THE SCRIPT FOR THIS WEEK'S "CATHY", WHO GOT THE SCRIPT FOR "PEARLS"?

I ASSUME THEY JUST LOST IT.

THAT'S GOOD... OUR DIALOGUE COULD LOOK A LITTLE INAPPROPRIATE IN THE WRONG HANDS.

SHUT UP, YOU DUMB, FAT PIG.

TOO MUCH PRESSURE! TOO MANY PROJECTS! TOO LITTLE TIME! NO TIME! NO TIME!

OH, FOR @#$#'S SAKE, IF YOUR LIFE'S SO @#$# MISERABLE, WHY DON'T YOU JUST JUMP OUT THE @#$@#$@#%@ WINDOW?

OKAY... THAT'S NOT IN THE SCRIPT.

YEAH, BUT IT SHOULD BE.

LOOKS LIKE THERE WAS ANOTHER MIX-UP AT THE COMIC STRIP FACTORY.
OH, NO... DID THEY SEND US THE WRONG SCRIPTS AGAIN?
YEP... AND THEY MESSED UP BIG THIS TIME.
WHICH STRIP'S DIALOGUE DID THEY SEND US?
MONTHS OF TASTELESS, BORING, REDUCED-FAT MEALS, AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET???