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WHY ARE YOU SITTING IN A BULLDOZER OUTSIDE OF SCOTT ADAMS' HOUSE?!
PUTT PUTT PUTT
ROOM ROOM
BECAUSE THAT LITTLE FRAUD RIPPED OFF "PEARLS" BY STICKING A RAT IN HIS COMIC STRIP!! HE EVEN CALLS HIM "RATBERT"! SO I'M GONNA GIVE THAT SKINNY LIL' OFFICE GEEK A LESSON IN COPYRIGHT ENFORCEMENT THAT HE WON'T SOON FORGET!!
BUT RATBERT PRECEDED YOU BY AT LEAST TEN YEARS!!
...THAT'S THE SORT OF THING I'D LIKE TO KNOW BEFORE I RENT THE BULLDOZER.

MR. ADAMS' RESIDENCE.
YEAH, I WANT TO TALK TO SCOTT. NOW.
AND WHO ARE YOU?
A COMICS SUPERSTAR.
ZIGGY, ZIPPY OR MARMALADE?
DUKE.
THE DUKE OF WHAT?
IT'S MARMADUKE.
YOU'RE THE DUKE OF MARMADUKE?
I TAKE IT YOU DON'T READ THE COMICS.
NOT SINCE LARSON RETIRED.

THESE ARE MY PET PEEVES. "MARK" AND "PATTY."
I DIDN'T THINK YOU WANTED PETS.
WELL, YOU'RE WRONG... AND STOP EATING THAT DONUT.
WHY?
IT'S ONE OF MY PET PEEVES.
SORRY... I DIDN'T KNOW IT BOTHERED YOU.
IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME... YOU JUST SHOULDN'T EAT SOMETHING THAT'S NOT YOURS.
WHOSE IS IT?
I JUST TOLD YOU.
YOU JUST SAID IT WAS ONE OF YOUR PET PEEVES.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHAT'S RIGHT?
THAT IT'S ONE OF MY PET PEEVES.
AHHH! I GIVE UP! MY BRAIN NEEDS A REST! I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE AND TAKE A NAP!!
...HAVEN'T YOU CAUSED ENOUGH TROUBLE?

LISTEN RAT YOU'VE GOTTA COME BACK TO "PEARLS"
DUDE LISTEN I JUST RAN SMACK DEAD INTO THE MOST BLATANT CASE OF COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT I'VE EVER SEEN I'M HOLDING THE OFFENDING CHARACTER HOSTAGE 'TIL HE GIVES ME THE ADDRESS OF HIS CREATOR
SOMEONE RIPPED OFF "PEARLS"?
DUDE IT'S OBSCENE THE GUY MADE A RAT ONE OF HIS CHARACTERS AND GET THIS HE DOESN'T NAME HIM "BOB" OR " DAVE" HE NAMES HIM...AWW HECK I'LL LET HIM TELL YOU
"RATBERT"
... START TALKING SPLATBERT

RAT? WHERE ARE YOU NOW?
'ROSE IS ROSE'... AND I THINK I'M STAYING... IT'S THE BEST GIG YET.
OH... I LOVE 'ROSE IS ROSE'... THE SWEET, LOVING PARENTS... THAT CUTE LITTLE PASQUALE... THE PRETTY RAINBOWS... THAT MUST BE WHY YOU LOVE IT, HUH? ...
UH... YEAH...

LISTEN, RAT...YOU GOTTA COME BACK TO "PERRA'S"...YOU CAN'T JUST HANG OUT IN OTHER STRIPS.
OH, IT'S BETTER THAN THAT, DUDE...CHECK THIS OUT...I WANDERED OVER TO "LILIAN" AND GUESS WHAT...GREG EVANS WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND...SO I GAVE HIS CHARACTERS SOME "ADMENDED" DIALOGUE...
RAT...LISTEN TO ME...I'M SERIOUS. YOU CANNOT WRITE YOUR OWN DIALOGUE FOR OTHER COMIC STRIP CHARACTERS...THE CREATORS WILL GO NUTS!
OH. RELAX LOSER...THE DIALOGUE ADJUSTMENTS WERE MINOR...ANYHOW, I GOTTA GO...WE'RE REHEARSING A SCENE...
...I'M LEAVING YOUR FATHER FOR AARON HILL...THIS YOUNG, HOT STUD ROCKS MY WORLD.

HEY, PIG... IT'S ME, RAT.
RAT? YOU GOTTA COME BACK TO "PEARLS" RIGHT NOW... EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE ON THE RUN AND YOU'RE BOUND TO GET CAUGHT SOONER OR--
OH, SHUT UP, YOU WHINY COWARD... I'M NOT AFRAID. I CAN HANG OUT IN ANY STRIPS I WANT... AND BESIDES, GEORGE BUSH IS A FOOL!!
GEORGE BUSH?? WHAT'S HE GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING??
HOW WAS THAT?
BETTER.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
YOU DIDN'T HEAR? HE BUSTED OUT OF 'PEARLS' YESTERDAY... WE THINK HE MAY BE HIDING IN OTHER STRIPS.
AREN'T THE COMIC POLICE AFTER HIM?
YEAH... WE'RE JUST HOPING THEY FIND HIM BEFORE HE CAUSES HARM TO SOME NICE COMIC STRIP FAMILY.
...BEAT IT, CHROME-DOME... SHE'S MINE.

WHOA... WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
RAT BUSTED OUT LAST NIGHT... HE'S PROBABLY ALL THE WAY TO ANOTHER STRIP BY NOW.
ANOTHER STRIP?? PIG, HIS INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR CAN BE JARRINGLY OUT OF PLACE IN ANOTHER STRIP.
OHH... HOW BAD CAN IT BE?
... BEAT IT, FATTY... SHE'S MINE.

I HATE MY NEIGHBOR.
MY NEIGHBOR IS A MORON.
WHEN I SEE MY NEIGHBOR, I WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD.
PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD!
PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD!
PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD!
WOOHOO! YEAHHH!
BRAVO! BRAVO!
WAY TO GO! MAN GO!
WHY YOU GIVING ME THIS?
YOU WON THE POETRY CONTEST.
POETRY CONTEST? I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE CITY COUNCIL MEETING.
...AND THAT'S WHEN THEY TOOK THE TROPHY AWAY.

Y'KNOW, THAT GIRL YOU WERE TALKING TO DOES SOME VOLUNTEER WORK WITH KIDDLAND...SHE AND MY EX-WIFE ARE FRIENDS...
MY EX AND YOUR EX ARE FRIENDS?? DON'T YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS? GIRLS TELL EACH OTHER EVERYTHING ABOUT THEIR BOYFRIENDS AND HUSBANDS!
OHH...DON'T WORRY...
...ALTHOUGH I DO FIND IT ODD YOU USED TO CRY IN HER ARMS AFTER MAKING OUT.
AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

SO WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE, FARINA?...IT'S NOT OFTEN THAT THE GIRL WHO BROKE YOUR HEART AND LEFT YOU FOR ANOTHER GUY COMES BACK TO SEE YOU.
WELL, MY HUSBAND AND I WERE WONDERING IF YOU COULD BABYSIT OUR DAUGHTER WHILE WE GO ON A TWO-WEEK ROMANTIC GETAWAY TO THE BAHAMAS.
...WHY'D YOU JUMP IN THE HEDGES?
LORD? IS THAT YOU?

SO YOU'RE DOING OKAY, RAT?
OH, YES. IN FACT, SINCE WE BROKE UP, I'VE REALLY MATURED AND GROWN INTELLECTUALLY, MOSTLY BY ASSOCIATING MYSELF WITH A HIGHER CLASS OF PEOPLE.
HEY, DUDE, THE JOHN'S CLOGGED. YA GOT A HANGER? OR SHOULD I ASK PIG?
... AND HOW ARE YOU DOING?
DUDE DUDE DUDE! YOU'RE FLUSHING MY @#%$%^$# PAW DOWN THE CAN!!

FARINA, IT'S YOU! IT'S REALLY YOU! HOW'S YOUR LIFE GOING?
OH, GOOD, GOOD...I'M HAPPILY MARRIED. WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER. WE HAVE A BIG, NEW HOUSE BY THE GOLF COURSE. AND YOU?
WHOA, SORRY TO INTERRUPT, FARINA, BUT IF ME AND RAT DON'T LEAVE NOW FOR THE `STAR WARS' CONVENTION, ALL THE GOOD STORMTROOPER COSTUMES WILL BE TAKEN.
SO...NEW HOUSE, HUH?

FARINA, IT'S YOU!
YES, RAT. IT'S ME. DID YOU EXPLAIN TO ALL THE "PEARLS" READERS WHO I AM AND ABOUT OUR PAST RELATIONSHIP ?
I DID. WE HAD TO USE AN ENTIRE STRIP YESTERDAY JUST TO EXPLAIN IT ALL.
OH, NO... I'M SORRY...
WELL, AT LEAST THE NEW READERS ARE NOW UPDATED, SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO WASTE ANY MORE STRIPS.
WE DID IT AGAIN.
WOW. BREVITY IS SO IMPORTANT IN THIS MEDIUM.

THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR FOR YOU.
WHO IS IT?
IT'S MY SISTER, FARINA.
YOUR SISTER, FARINA? YOU MEAN THE GIRL WHO LIVES IN A PLASTIC BUBBLE 'CAUSE SHE'S A GERMAPHOBE? THE GIRL I FELL IN LOVE WITH? THE GIRL WHO REJECTED ME BECAUSE I WAS NOT A BUBBLE BOY? THE GIRL WHO WENT ON TO MARRY SOMEONE ELSE AND HAVE A KID, FOREVER BREAKING MY HEART AND HELPING TO TURN ME INTO THE CYNIC I AM TODAY?
AUTHORS NOTE: DUE TO THE PRECEDING STORY UPDATE, WHICH WAS NECESSITATED BY THE FACT THAT "PEARLS" CONTINUES TO PICK UP NEW READERS, THE READERS OF WHICH ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH PAST STORY LINES, I ASKED THE EDITORS OF MANY PAPERS IF I COULD BORROW SOME SPACE FROM "MARY WORTH", BUT THEY SAID NO.
I APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.
Yours,

HEY THERE, RAT... WANT TO PLAY SOME INDOOR FOOTBALL?
ARE YOU INSANE? IT'S SUNDAY, YOU MORON!!
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
DUDE, ON SUNDAY, OUR STRIP APPEARS IN COLOR. THAT COLOR FILE HAS TO BE PLACED VERY CAREFULLY OVER THE BLACK AND WHITE LAYERS, SO ALL THE COLORS ARE IN EXACTLY THE RIGHT PLACE...
HOW DOES FOOTBALL AFFECT THAT?
HO? DUDE, IF YOU RUN INTO ONE OF THE WALLS, YOU COULD JAR ALL THE LINEART OUT OF ALIGNMENT, THROWING OFF THE PRINT REGISTRATION FOR MILLIONS OF 'PEARLS' READERS.
PRINT REGISHWUUUU--
REGISTRATION.
HEEEEY... LOVE WHAT YOU DID WITH THE PLACE...

I HEAR YOUR ZEBRA HERD HAS STARTED GIVING BALLET LESSONS TO THE CROCODILES...
YEAH... WE FIGURE THAT ONCE THEY HAVE AN APPRECIATION FOR THE FINE ARTS, IT WILL BE A LOT HARDER FOR THEM TO EVER KILL ANOTHER LIVING CREATURE.
...OKAY, SO FROM NOW ON, TEARING APART YOUR INSTRUCTOR WILL BE CALLED A "PLIE´"

I HEAR YOU GOT A JOB WRITING SYMPATHY CARDS FOR A GREETING CARD COMPANY.
YEAH. LISTEN TO THIS ONE. IT'S FOR PEOPLE WHO'VE LOST A MOTHER-IN-LAW.
"...THERE IS NOT MUCH
THAT CAN BE SAID
WHEN YOUR IN-LAW
WINDS UP DEAD..."
"...INTO YOUR LIFE
SHE ALWAYS POKED.
SO SMILE NOW,
FOR SHE HAS CROAKED."
SOMETIMES THERE'S
A FINE LINE BETWEEN
SYMPATHY AND OUTRIGHT
CONGRATULATIONS.

I GOT A JOB WRITING SYMPATHY CARDS.
HOW NICE. THOSE ARE VERY IMPORTANT. READ ME ONE.
"I hear that you've
lost someone dear.
Shake it off
and have a beer."
HOPE IT'S NOT TOO TOUCHY-FEELY.

SO DO YOU HAVE A WIFE, LEONARD?
SORT OF. WE'RE SEPARATED, BUT WE STILL SEE EACH OTHER BECAUSE WE WORK AT THE SAME PLACE.
SHE DRESSES UP AS A BEAR, TOO.?
YEAH... AND IT CAN BE A LITTLE AKWARD WHEN WE FIGHT.
YOU'RE NOTHING. YOU'RE A JOKE. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.
I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN YOUR BIG FAT HEAD.
LET'S GO HOME, HMM.

PIG, THIS IS LEONARD. HE HAS A BAD JOB AND NO-WHERE TO LIVE.
GEE, YOU HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS.
AH, IT'S NOT SO BAD.
HOW NICE... YOU'RE SO POSITIVE DESPITE YOUR TRAGIC CIRCUMSTANCE.
TRAGIC? WHAT'S SO TRAGIC?
A BEAR IS EATING YOU.
LEMME GUESS. THIS IS THE DUMB ONE IN THE STRIP.
BE BRAVE, MY DESPERATE FRIEND!!

HI... I'M LEONARD... I'M HERE ABOUT THE RENTAL.
HOLY MOTHER OF SASQUATCH! WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
OH, THIS? I WORK OVER AT KIDDIELAND. I'M "TIMOUL, THE SELF-ESTEEM-BUILDING BEAR."
SO YOU WALK AROUND THE PARK AND HELP KIDS BUILD THEIR SELF-ESTEEM?
MOSTLY, I JUST GET PUNCHED IN THE @#%!*
OOOHH... NO KIDS FOR LEONARD.

RAT SAYS THIS SIX ACTOR CAN'T MAKE ANY MORE MOVIES BECAUSE HE'S UNDER SIX FEET.
HE'S SIX FEET, UNDER.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
YOU SAID 'UNDER SIX FEET'.
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.
THE FORMER IS DEAD.
HOW DID THE FARMER DIE?
HOW DID THE FORMER FARMER DIE?
FORGET IT... ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS THAT THE LATTER IS TOO SHORT.
FELL OFF
HE FELL OFF?
THE LADDER.
WHAT?
THE LADDER.
NO ONE FELL OFF ANY LADDER!!
-HE WAS PUSHED?-
AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUHH!!
...I'D LIKE TO REPORT A SUSPICIOUS GOAT.

HI, I'M HERE ABOUT THE ROOM YOU'RE LEASING.
FINE... TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.
WELL, IN THE LAST MONTH, I LOST MY JOB, AND I LOST MY WIFE. ALL I GOT NOW IS MY PET SQUIRREL, MCGARRY, WHO I KEEP UNLEASHED AND TAKE WITH ME EVERYWHERE. HE'S ALL THIS LOSER HAS LEFT.
HONK! HONK! SCREEEECH!
THUMP THUMP
... AND THE WORST PART
IS, THAT SQUIRREL
JUMPED IN FRONT OF
THE BUS.