Pearls Before Swine | Search

THE STUPID CITY COUNCIL IS GONNA GET RID OF THE MONKEY BARS AT THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT??
KIDS SHOULDN'T DRINK WITH MONKEYS.
..NEVER DISCUSS POLITICS.

HOW MANY ANGELS DO YOU THINK CAN DANCE ON THE HEAD OF A PIN?
I THINK IT DEPENDS.
DEPENDS ON WHAT??
ON HOW MANY TOOK LESSONS.
...NEVER DISCUSS RELIGION.

HI! IT'S MY NEW TRAIN SET. THERE WAS A BIG ACCIDENT.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED TRAINS, EST.
I DON'T. I'VE ONLY CREATED ALL THIS SO I CAN PLAY GOD WITH THESE MORONS.
...AND YOU STAGED AN ACCIDENT?
SURE...IT'S ONE OF THE PERKS OF PLAYING GOD.
DID ANYONE GET HURT?
YEAH...UM...ERLIE, THE LAWYER...HE LIKES EILEEN, SO HE SKIPPED THE PICNIC AND...UM...THE CHICKENS...I JUST DECREED THAT ALL THE CHICKENS LIVED.
WHAT KIND OF GOD LETS THE GOOD PEOPLE DIE, BUT KEEPS THE BAD PEOPLE ALIVE?
HREHEHE...SUCKER...SNNOOORRRK...THEEEE HEE HEE HAWW HEE HAW...HHHOO HOO HOOOOOO...
HAHAHAHAHAHA HEEEEHEEEEHEEEE HOOOOHHHHOHOHO HHEHEHEHE HEE HEEEE HAW...
...NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, MY CHICKENS HAVE SOME SUPRENAS TO SERVE.

...AND IF THEY HAD JUST LET ME RIPEN FOR ANOTHER DAY OR SO, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ME IN THAT AWARD-WINNING MERLOT.
...BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T CARE. I REALLY DON'T. YOU CAN TAKE ALL THOSE HOITY-TOITY, FOO-FOO WINE AWARDS AND SHOVE 'EM UP YOUR $#@%, IF YOU ASK ME....
SOUR GRAPES.

THIS YEAR, WE MARK THE ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE SERENGETI MASSACRE, THAT TERRIBLE DAY WHEN FORTY-FOUR OF OUR OWN WERE KILLED BY A SINGLE DEN OF LIONS.
I’D LIKE TO ASK FOR A MOMENT OF SILENCE TO REFLECT UPON THOSE GLORIOUS ZEBRAS WHOSE LIVES WERE CUT SO SHORT.
COULD THE LIONS AT TABLE NINE PLEASE STOP DOING THE WAVE?

...AND THIS YEAR'S LIFETIME
ACHIEVEMENT AWARD GOES TO...
COUSIN NICKY... UNFORTUNATELY,
COUSIN NICKY COULDN'T BE WITH US
TONIGHT, AS HE WAS RECENTLY KILLED
...ACCEPTING ON HIS BEHALF WILL
BE... HIS SKULL...WHICH WE
STOLE FROM THE LIONS' CAMP.
DON'T BOTHER APPLAUDING...
HE CAN'T HEAR YOU.

...AND NOW I'D LIKE TO TURN THINGS OVER TO COUSIN JIMMY, WHO'LL PAY TRIBUTE TO THE ZEBRAS FROM OUR HERD WHO WERE KILLED BY LIONS THIS YEAR.
YEAH, THIS YEAR WE LOST PAIGE, KIM, RANDY, BARBARA, MITCH, EDNA, LORRIE, ERIN, STEPHANIE, PAM, HEATHER, SID, AMY, MARY ANNE, LISA, IVAN, ALEX, NICOLE, PERI, TOBY, JOHN, SHAWNA, MARY, LUNA, MEREDITH, CLARKE, SANDRA, PATRICK --
...DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT TIME THE OPEN BAR CLOSES?

...AND THIS YEAR'S AWARD FOR THE ZEBRA WHO DRANK THE MOST TIMES FROM THE CROCODILE-INFESTED WATERING HOLE GOES TO... BRAVE COUSIN STEVIE!
UNFORTUNATELY, BRAVE COUSIN STEVIE COULDN'T BE WITH US TONIGHT, AS HE DRANK ONE TOO MANY TIMES FROM SAID WATERING HOLE AND IS NOW DEAD.
...WILL THE CROCODILES AT THE BACK TABLE PLEASE STOP HIGH-FIVING EACH OTHER?

WELCOME, FELLOW ZEBRAS, TO THIS YEAR'S "COURAGE" AWARDS...UP FIRST, THIS YEAR'S PRIZE FOR THE ZEBRA WHO BEST DEFENDED HIS FELLOW ZEBRA DURING A LION ATTACK.
...AND THIS YEAR, THE AWARD GOES TO...
NO ONE......AGAIN.
... NO, WILLY, YOU CAN'T GO HOME NOW.

Dear President Bush,
There are 192 countries.
So far, you've only bombed two.
Even if you win re-election, you only have 65 months left in office.
If we are to get them all, you will need to bomb three per month from here on out.
For us to sustain that kind of pace, you will need to stop wasting time asking the U.N. and Congress for approval. They are silly girly-girls.
P.S. If we have extra time, I suggest hitting France more than once.
DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA SEND A LETTER LIKE THAT TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. THEY'RE GONNA INVESTIGATE YOU FOR BEING SUCH A WHACKO.
OKAY... OCTOBER IS MEXICO, CANADA AND HAWAII.
No, no, sir. Hawaii's ours.

IN ORDER TO BE A MORE UNDERSTANDING PERSON, I'M GONNA TRY AND SEE LIFE THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE'S EYES.
I'LL START WITH THAT GUY OVER THERE.
OHHHH, TO BE THAT RAT AT THE COUNTER INSTEAD OF THE MISERABLE PATHETIC IDIOT THAT IS ME.
THAT WASN'T SO HARD.

... BUT YOU LOOK LIKE BOLOGNA.
... TAKE THAT BACK.
... OR MAYBE A PIECE OF SALAMI.
OKAY...I'VE ABOUT HAD IT WITH YOU ARROGANT AMERICANS TELLING EVERYONE WHAT'S WHAT...
...I'M GOING HOME, EH?
I AGREE... CANADIAN BACON IS NOT BACON.

THIS IS MY NEW CAMERA... I'M GONNA TAKE PICTURES OF FAMOUS ATHLETES IN ACTION.
WHO YOU GONNA START WITH?
TIGER WOODS... I GOT A TICKET TO THE P.G.A. CHAMPIONSHIP, SO I'M GONNA GET REALLY CLOSE TO HIM AND TAKE A GREAT SHOT OF HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS SWING.
... AND HERE HE IS WRAPPING THE THREE-IRON AROUND MY HEAD.

EXCUSE ME, GOOD NEIGHBOR, BUT COULD I TROUBLE YOU FOR A CUP OF SUGAR?
SURE... HANG ON.
HERE.
THANKS.
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
I JUST NEEDED THE CUP.

IF THIS PLAYER CAN WIN A WORLD SERIES, HE'LL FINALLY GET THE DONKEY OFF HIS BACK.
MONKEY.
GET THE DONKEY OFF HIS MONKEY.
...THAT'S ONE STRONG MONKEY.

RAT SAYS YOUR UNCLE’S REAL SICK AND HAS BEEN CONFINED TO HIS COUCH FOR WEEKS.
I GUESS YOU DIDN'T HEAR.
HEAR WHAT?
WE LOST HIM.
DID YOU LOOK UNDER THE CUSHIONS?

The Adventures of Angry Bob in 'A Big Fat Talk 'o' Woe'
Tired of dying, Angry Bob undied and returned to the bar where he had died just a week earlier.
"It's so dumb to set yourself on fire to impress a woman," he thought.
"To impress a woman, one must be indifferent and elusive. Not an easy skill."
Thus, Angry Bob sat quietly, sat quietly 'til his mind had wandered and fallen off the track and walked awkwardly to the jukebox.
Two women followed. Angry Bob tepidly pushed some buttons, whacked the side,
and stood hoping.
Eight more women followed Bob went to the men's room.
Fourteen women stood outside the door. Angry Bob walked out and went straight to
the pool table.
Seventy-one women surrounded the table. Angry Bob had died and returned more knowledgeable.
Thus, Angry Bob silently surveyed the fine selection of beauties surrounding him and made the fatal error of trying to save
a hair from his forehead ...
...for the surging throng of beauties had crushed him against the bar.
Bob snapped like a toothpick and died.
... and felt an acute shortage of breath.
IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.

AFTER WATCHING ALL OF THESE HOLLYWOOD BIOGRAPHIES, I'VE CONCLUDED THAT ALL THE REALLY BIG STARS HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON.
WHAT'S THAT?
A PERIOD OF SPECTACULAR DEMISE.
I HAVE A CHANCE.

WHAT IS THE SOUND OF ONE HAND CLAPPING?
I DON'T KNOW.
SMACK!!
THAT'S PROBABLY CLOSE.

DUDE, MY FRIENDS SAY YOU RIPPED
ME OFF SELLING ME A SHIRT LIKE
THIS. NOW THEY'RE GOING AROUND
TELLING PEOPLE I'M A COMPLETE IDIOT.
WELL, I CAN ASSURE YOU, SIR,
THAT CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS
VERY IMPORTANT TO ME... SO LET
ME SEE WHAT I CAN DO TO
HELP YOU...
... AND IT FITS GREAT.

HEY, BUDDY, WANNA BUY A SHIRT?
WHY WOULD I WANT TO BUY A SHIRT THAT SAYS THAT?
BECAUSE THEY'RE ON SALE.
...AND WITH THE MONEY I SAVED, I GOT THIS MUG...

WHAT'S NEIGHBOR BOB GOT ON HIS SHIRT?
PICTURES OF ANTS...HIS WIFE LOVES ANTS, SO SHE BOUGHT HIM THAT SHIRT AND MADE HIM WEAR IT.
I GUESS WE KNOW WHO WEARS THE ANTS IN THAT FAMILY.

THIS BURRITO DOES NOT AGREE WITH ME.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE HE'S A @%@#@ MORON AND EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS WRONG.
...AND YOU SHOULD HEAR THE TACO.

Angry Bob went to a hair girl.
"Hello," he said.
"HI.
This place is a pretty good bar, though."
"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?" he said.
"That was my best joke," he said.
"Depressed and hostile, he got his hair cut."
"I can't take it," said Biff. "I AM quitting my job now." The key, fine-tuning configuration, has been set.
"bulb"
"Sure," he said, "but I can't get over it for I need you."
So the girl took a sip of her beer and let out a giggle.
"Or box music and homemade fun."
Half an avocado cell phone call and put on some lipstick.
"I'm really boring."
Girl had sipped a sip of her beer and put her head down as she read.
"I want to be a fish."
On Bob's nose.
"HEY."
And crossed her legs and uncrossed her legs and took her head up and grabbed a cigarette from her purse.
"I don't suppose you have a light," said the girl, turning to Bob.
"Nice night," continued Bob, now thinking of Little League baseball games, sunscreen and happy.
The girl looked down at her beer and looked over at Bob and had a cigarette at her knee.
"Bob found another cigarette."
Vaguely aware that his uninflated patience with women had cost him a marriage, Bob decided to move his hand up by

Dearest Mother,
As you may have heard, I recently had both my ears chopped off by a Japanese chef... Then I got two breasts.
Fortunately, I found a new plastic surgeon who fixed both problems. Now I am good as new and doing just terrific!
SHE MUST BE SO PROUD.