Pearls Before Swine | Search

OKAY, GUYS, TIME FOR OUR LATTE BREAK.
LATTE BREAK? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
MY ARMY MEN LOVE LATTES.
ENOUGH! YOU HAVE EMASCULATED THIS ENTIRE ARMY. IF YOU KEEP IT UP, YOU’LL SPREAD THIS LIBERAL HIPPIE CRAP TO ALL YOUR TOYS.
GO ON, CLEM. THE NATIVE AMERICAN IS WAITING.
“I, I APOLOGIZE FOR THE WESTERN EXPANSION.”

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE YOUR ARMY MEN RESOLVE DISPUTES THROUGH "DIALOGUE".
OH, YES. THEY'RE QUITE CIVILIZED.
YOU STUPID FAIRY... THESE GUYS ARE KILLING MACHINES! THEY WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO SHOOT EACH OTHER'S HEADS OFF...
...AND WHEN OPRAH STARTED CRYING, WELL... I JUST LOST IT.

WANT TO PLAY ARMY MEN WITH ME?
WHO ARE THEY BATTLING?
OH, MY ARMY MEN DON'T BATTLE.
WHAT? . . . THEN HOW DO THEY RESOLVE THEIR DISPUTES?
SARGE, WHEN THAT MAN POINTS HIS RIFLE AT ME, IT MAKES ME FEEL SAD.
YOU NEED TO TELL HIM THAT, JOHNNY.

LEADING OFF THE NEWS TONIGHT, SIX ISRAELI CHILDREN DIED EARLY TODAY WHEN THE BUS THEY WERE RIDING EXPLODED IN DOWNTOWN JERUSALEM.
THEY WERE LITTLE KIDS...WITH BACKPACKS FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND JUICE BOXES AND CRAYONS AND GLUE STICKS AND MATH BOOKS.
THEY HAD BEDROOMS WITH POSTERS OF CARS AND SOCCER PLAYERS. THEY HAD BUNK BEDS WITH SPIDERMAN SHEETS.
THEY HAD LITTLE SISTERS AND PETS ANY PARENTS AND PANTS AND SOCKS WITH HOLES IN THE KNEE.
THEY TOOK PIANO LESSONS ON SATURDAYS AND PLAYED WITH THEIR DADS ON SUNDAYS. THEY KNEW THE NAME OF THE TOWN WHERE THEIR MOM HELD HANDS WHENEVER THEY CROSSED A STREET.
AND ON THE WALL OF THE HALL TO THEIR BEDROOMS WAS A LONG LINE OF PHOTOS, WITH EACH OF THEIR GRAMMAR SCHOOL PICTURES PLACED CHRONOLOGICALLY...
...BY A MOM...
...WHO KISSED HER SON GOODBYE TODAY AND WATCHED HIM BOARD THE BUS...
...THAT EXPLODED IN DOWNTOWN JERUSALEM.

I THOUGHT YOU WENT TO FIND GARY LARSON.
I COULDN'T GET BY HIS SECURITY COWS.
I GUESS THE FUNNIES ARE JUST DOOMED.
WELL, I WAS THINKING... MAYBE WE COULD DO OUR OWN COMIC STRIP ABOUT THESE NAMELESS STICK-FIGURE ANIMALS WHO NEVER MOVE OR SHOW EXPRESSION, AND ALWAYS TALK ABOUT DEATH.
I'D JUMP, BUT I'M AFRAID I'D CRUSH "DEAR ABBY."

LOOKING AT
THESE COMICS
IS TOO DEPRESS-
ING… I'M GOING
OFF TO FIND
GARY LARSON
BUT I THOUGHT
YOU SAID HE NO
LONGER WANTED TO
DRAW "THE FAR SIDE"
BECAUSE--
OH, FORGET WHAT I SAID!! THESE
ARE DESPERATE TIMES! I'M SURE
THAT IF I CAN JUST SIT DOWN AND
TALK TO HIM FOR A FEW MINUTES, I
CAN CONVINCE HIM TO COME BACK…
…and what makes you think he lives here?

SO ARE THERE ANY OTHER REASONS THE FUNNIES AREN'T FUNNY?
SURE. UNLIKE IN ALL OTHER FORMS OF ENTERTAINMENT, THE CENSORSHIP CODE FOR COMICS REMAINS STUCK IN THE 1950's.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, IN THE COMICS, YOU CAN'T MENTION THE SUBJECTS OF ______ OR ______ OR ______ AND YOU CAN'T SAY THE WORDS "______" OR "______" DESPITE THE FACT THEY'RE SAID DAILY ON PRIME TIME TV.
GEE... THAT'S ED.
HEY, NOW.

SO WERE THE FUNNIES EVER FUNNY?
OH, SURE...
"THE FAR SIDE,"
"CALVIN AND HOBBES"...
BUT THEIR CREATORS RETIRED.
WHY DID THEY RETIRE?
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT THEIR FEATURES TO EVER GROW STALE, AND THEY HAD THE INTEGRITY AND GENEROSITY TO GIVE NEW FEATURES A CHANCE.
WHAT DO THESE OTHER GUYS HAVE?
A TWELVE O'CLOCK TEE TIME.

SO HOW DID THE FUNNIES BECOME UNFUNNY?
WELL, YOU HAVE SOME STRIPS WHERE CREATORS DIED OR RETIRED AND HANDED THE STRIPS OFF TO RELATIVES OR HIRED ARTISTS.
ANOTHER PROBLEM IS CARTOONISTS WHO CREATE STRIPS MEREY TO TARGET A DEMOGRAPHIC, BE IT BABY BOOMERS, TEENAGE GIRLS OR A SPECIFIC ETHNICITY.
WHAT IF YOU JUST WANT TO DO SOMETHING THAT'S FUNNY?
YOU WRITE FOR "THE SIMPSONS"!

IT'S NICE TO COME UP HERE AND JUST SIT SOMETIMES.
WHAT ARE ALL THOSE BOXES?
THEY'RE CALLED "PANELS"...WE LIVE IN THE "FUNNIES."
WHY DO THEY CALL IT "THE FUNNIES?"
BECAUSE "IRRELEVANT BANALITY" IS TOO HARD TO SAY.

...AND ON A SNOWY CHRISTMAS EVE, SANTA CALLED THE REINDEER IN FOR A MEETING...
BOYS, IT'S GONNA BE A TOUGH HAUL THIS YEAR.
I HAVE FAITH IN YOU, SANTA. YOU'RE A GREAT, GREAT SLEIGH DRIVER.
WELL, THANK YOU, ROBBY... I APPRECIATE THAT.
OH, MY PLEASURE, SANTA... IN FACT, IT IS AN HONOR TO RIDE WITH YOU.
THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, ROBBY.
CMON, EVERYONE... A BIG, BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR THE KINDEST, WISEST, SMARTEST SANTA EVER.
AND LATER THAT EVENING, THE ANGRY REINDEER TIED UP THEIR SYCOPHANTIC BROTHER AND THREW HIM OFF A CLIFF. ...THE END.
POOR "ROBBY, THE BROWN-NOSE REINDEER."

I HEARD YOU CAUGHT RAT CHEATING AT "SCRABBLE".
YEAH... HE WAS STEALING EXTRA LETTERS THAT SPELLED BIG WORDS AND STUFFING THEM IN HIS CHEEKS TO HIDE THEM.
SO WHAT'D YOU DO?
I TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

HOW'S YOUR SQUID?
SQUIRT
A LITTLE UNDERCOOKED.

SIR, IF YOU'RE HIRED FOR THIS JOB, WHAT WILL BE YOUR GREATEST STRENGTH?
WELL, I THINK THAT ON MOST DAYS, I STEAL LESS THAN OTHER EMPLOYEES.
THAT'S YOUR STRENGTH? ...WHAT'S YOUR WEAKNESS?
ALL THOSE OTHER DAYS.

SO TELL ME... WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR IN A JOB?
I WANT A JOB WHERE JUST SHOWING UP IS ENOUGH.
THAT'S YOUR GOAL?
NO, MY GOAL IS NOT HAVING TO SHOW UP AT ALL.
I DON'T INTERVIEW WELL.

NEIGHBOR BOB FELL OFF HIS ROOF. I THINK HE'S IN I.C.U.
THAT SOUNDS FUN.
WHAT SOUNDS FUN?
PLAYING PEEK-A-BOO.
PEEK-A-BOO?
I SEE YOU!
IS IT ME?

DO YOU THINK EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON?
I DON'T KNOW. I'VE NEVER KNOWN A RAISIN.
REASON.
I DON'T HAVE A REASON WHY I'VE NEVER KNOWN A RAISIN.
THAT HAPPENED FOR A REASON.

BLINK BLINK
JOIN US IN RETURNING SKIPPY TO HIS NATURAL ENVIRONMENT
CLOMP
HE DIDN'T GET THE MEMO.

I DIDN’T GET THAT E-MAIL YOU SAID YOU SENT TO ME YESTERDAY.
I RE-SENT THAT.
GET A LOAD OF MR. SENSITIVE.

I HEARD YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS HAVE ALL EQUIPPED THEMSELVES WITH MUSICAL ALARMS.
YEAH...WHEN THEY'RE CHASED BY LIONS, THE ALARM PLAYS CHRISTMAS CAROLS, AND WE ALL KNOW ONE OF OUR OWN IS IN TROUBLE.
THEN WHAT DO YOU DO?
WE SING ALONG.

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
OKAY, LULU! I GOT THE CAR STARTED! JUST HOP OVER THE FENCE AND WE'RE FREE! FREE, LULU!
I'M NOT LULU... I'M JENNY.
THEN WHERE'S LULU?
SHE FLEW AWAY!

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I THOUGHT I'D FOUND SUCH A GREAT SINGLES PARTY, BUT NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME THEY'RE GONNA KILL ALL OF YOU?
YES, SWEETIE, THAT'S WHAT THEY DO HERE.
THAT EXPLAINS THE LOW COVER CHARGE.

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WANT TO GO HOME WITH ME, LULU.
NO GIRL HAS EVER WANTED TO GO HOME WITH ME.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
WELL, I'VE GIVEN IT A LOT OF THOUGHT, AND IT'S EITHER THAT,
OR STAY HERE AND GET KNOCKED OVER THE HEAD, THROWN INTO BOILING WATER AND MADE INTO A SAUSAGE LINK.
YOU'RE MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE.

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
MR. PIG... I'M LULU. IF YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE, I WANT TO GO WITH YOU.
WITH ME? WHY?
BECAUSE, BABY, THIS TOWN RIPS THE BONES FROM YOUR BACK. IT'S A DEATH TRAP... IT'S A SUICIDE RAP.
WENDY, LET ME IN... I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. I WANT TO GUARD YOUR DREAMS AND VISIONS!
WENDY? WHO'S WENDY?
I HAVE NO IDEA.

SOMEBODY'S MAKING LOUD REPETITIVE NOISES IN THE LAND OF THE NUDE SUPERMODELS.
I AM NOT IN THE LAND OF THE NUDE SUPERMODELS.
THIS SOUND IS NOT STOPPING.
THAT SOUND IS AN ALARM CLOCK.
THAT SOUND IS MY ALARM CLOCK.
THIS IS A WORK DAY.
I MUST GO TO WORK.
THIS WILL BE A BAD DAY AT WORK.
EVERY DAY IS A BAD DAY AT WORK.
I HATE MY JOB.
I NEED A JOB THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE GOING TO WORK.
I AM INCOHERENT. I NEED MORE SLEEP.
WHAT'S TEN MORE MINUTES?
OH, AHHHHHH, TYRA...