Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHY WERE YOU LOOKING SO HARD AT MY TWENTY DOLLAR BILL?
JUST WANT TO BE SURE IT'S NOT FUNNYMONEY.
HEEEEY... I JUST FLEW IN FROM THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT AND BOY, ARE MY ARMS TIRED! BA DUM BUM KSSHHH... I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK, FOLKS!
IT'S NOT.

WE'VE GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE ANTS IN THE KITCHEN! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO IN THERE ANYMORE.
WHO CARES? THEY'LL GO AWAY.
WHY?
BECAUSE WE'VE HAD THEM FOR WEEKS AND I'M SURE THEY'RE CRAWLING ALL OVER OUR FOOD.
OUR FOOD.
SO THEY GO AWAY.
BUT THEY'RE JUST GONNA KEEP EATING AND MULTIPLYING AND GROWING AND GETTING BOLDER.
ANTS ARE ANTS, PAL...ONE LITTLE CAN O' "RAID" AND IT'S ADIOS AMIGOS.
YEAH, BUT IF THEY KEEP--
DUDE DUDE DUDE...STOP ALREADY...GIMME THE STUPID CAN AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT...JUST SO LONG AS YOU'LL SHUT UP.
SHAKE CAN BEFORE USE. SPRAY DIRECTLY ON ANTS. KILLS ON CONTACT... OKAY, ANTS, SAY "HULLO" TO MY LITTLE FRIEND
... I DISTINCTLY ASKED YOU FOR THE CHEESE-WHIZ...

RAT GOT CALLED BEFORE CONGRESS TO TESTIFY ON THE GROWING PET PSYCHIC SCANDAL.
GOOD. NOW HE'LL BE EXPOSED FOR THE FRAUD HE IS.
I DUNNO. THEY TRIED TO TEST HIM BY ASKING HIM WHAT THEY WERE THINKING ABOUT, BUT I THINK HE DID OKAY.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
...FUNDRAISING AND SEX WITH YOUR INTERN.
WOW!
UNCANNY!
HOW DID HE DO THAT??

RAT, THE PET PSYCHIC
HOW CAN I HELP YOU, MA'AM?

IT'S MY PARROT, PEPE. HE SEEMS SO SAD.

PEPE SAYS HE IS SAD BECAUSE YOU ARE SO CHEAP AND HAVE WOEFULLY UNDERPAID ME FOR MY SERVICES.

PEPE CAN TALK AND PEPE SAYS YOU'RE AN UNMITIGATED FRAUD.

THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF PEPE.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
IT'S MY CAT, GIGI. I THINK SHE AND MY OTHER PETS ARE SECRETLY PLANNING TO KILL ME IN MY SLEEP.
...GIGI WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW YOU KNOW THAT.
SO IT'S TRUE?
GIGI IS CURSING YOUR LOOSE-LIPPED DOG.

CAN I HELP YOU,
SIR?
IT'S MY PET MONKEY,
JOJO. HE'S BEEN REAL
QUIET LATELY, AND I
WANT TO KNOW WHY.
JOJO SAYS THAT HIS SUDDEN CESSATION OF SPEECH
IS A SILENT PROTEST AGAINST AN OWNER WHO
IS DUMB, FAT AND LAZY.
DO YOU
AGREE
WITH
HIM?

HOW CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
IT'S CHI CHI. HE'S UPSET AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY.
CHI CHI SAYS YOU ARE A CHEAP FATTY... HE SAYS TO GIVE ME AN EXTRA FIFTY BUCKS TO PROVE YOU ARE NOT CHEAP.
FINE... HERE.
CHI CHI SAYS YOU ARE NOW JUST A FATTY.

I hear Rat's now billing himself as one of those pet psychics.
Yeah...he's gonna charge people to read the minds of their pets.
But he's just gonna make stuff up that serves his own warped agenda.
Ohhh... I have more faith in him than that.
..Fifi would like you to hold me tightly against your bosom.

WHERE’S RAT TODAY?
HE’S OUT TRYING TO CAPTURE THE AGE 30 TO 55 FEMALE DEMOGRAPHIC.
SAY WHAT?
HE DID SOME RESEARCH AND FOUND THAT OUR STRIP’S HOTTEST DEMOGRAPHIC IS WOMEN BETWEEN THE AGES OF 30 AND 55.
WHY DON’T THEY LIKE US?
WE’RE TOO CYNICAL...TOO DARK...THEY’RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE UPLIFTING.
SO WHAT’S HE GONNA DO?
HE SAYS WE’RE GONNA FIND SOMETHING THAT APPEALS TO THAT DEMOGRAPHIC AND JUST RIP IT OFF.
DIDN’T WE GET SUED?
THAT’S WHAT I SAID. BUT HE SAYS THE TRANSFORMATION WILL BE SO GRADUAL AND SUBTLE THAT THEY WON’T EVEN NOTICE THE CHANGED FORMAT, MUCH LESS FIGURE OUT IF WE’RE RIPPING IT OFF.
OPRAT OPRAT OPRAT OPRAT OPRAT
OH, THANK YOU, OPRAT.
JUST BE THE BEST YOU YOU CAN BE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M SELLING SOMETHING ON E-BAY.
WHAT THE-?? YOU'RE SELLING A PRINT OF EDWARD MUNCH'S "THE SCREAM" FOR ELEVEN MILLION DOLLARS??
...IT'S NOT A PRINT.
...LONG STORY.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM... YOU'RE A MODEL, AREN'T YOU?
YES. HOW'D YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE I BOUGHT A FRAME AND YOUR PHOTO CAME WITH IT. I WOULD HAVE REPLACED IT WITH A PHOTO OF A FRIEND, BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. SO INSTEAD, I PRETEND YOU'RE MY FRIEND, AND KISS THE PHOTO AS I HOLD THE FRAME AND CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT.
SHE MUSTA' BEEN IN A HURRY.

AND HAVE YOU SEEN "THE ENGLISH PATIENT"? IT'S WONDERFUL. I MEAN, THE STORY IS EXCELLENT. IT STARTS OUT IN THIS... THIS... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M HOLDING MY IMAGINARY REMOTE AND TRYING TO TIVO MY WAY THROUGH YOUR CONVERSATION... IT'S NOT SUCCESSFUL, BUT STILL, IT BRINGS ME COMFORT.
...YOU MUST NOT LIKE TIVO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
STUDYING ANTS WITH MY MAGNIFYING GLASS... I'M VERY CAREFUL TO GIVE THEM THEIR DISTANCE, SO AS TO NOT ALTER THEIR NORMAL BEHAVIOR AND CHARACTERISTICS.
CRACKLE CRACKLE CRACKLE SSSSSSS
I THINK I ALTERED SOMETHING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF PHYSICIAN-ASSISTED
SUICIDE?
I THINK
IT'S WRONG.
WHY DO
YOU THINK
IT'S WRONG?
BECAUSE DOCTORS ARE
GOOD AND WE SHOULDN'T
HELP THEM KILL
THEMSELVES.
I THINK
I'M
GETTING
SMARTER.

LOOK AT THESE COMMERCIALS... THEY OFFER THESE GREAT DEALS, BUT HIDE THE IMPORTANT DETAILS IN THIS TINY LANGUAGE THAT YOU CAN BARELY READ.
WHO KNOWS WHAT THOSE LYING WEASELS ARE TRYING TO BURY IN THAT MORASS OF UNREADABLE TEXT?
YOU SAID IT.

CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?
YEAH... TAKE THESE ONIONS AND CUT THEM UP.
OH, I CAN'T CUT ONIONS... EVERY TIME I TRY, IT MAKES ME SO SAD, I CRY.
THAT'S NOT WHY YOU CRY. YOU CRY BECAUSE ONIONS RELEASE LITTLE SULFUR COMPOUNDS THAT IRRITATE YOUR EYES.
OH, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT... I THINK THAT IF SOMETHING MAKES YOU CRY WHEN YOU CUT IT, YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG AND YOU NEED TO STOP.
FINE, MORON... THEN CUT THE TOMATOES...
BAMBI'S MOM!
YOUR GRANDMA'S FUNERAL!
OLD YELLER!
LET'S EAT OUT.

GEE, MOM... WHY DO THE BABOONS HAVE THOSE BIG, PUFFY, REAR ENDS?
I DON'T KNOW, JIMMY. THAT'S JUST THE WAY GOD MADE THEM.
AND WHY DO THEY LET THEM ROAM FREE AROUND THE ZOO?
I DON'T KNOW, JIMMY. I GUESS THEY'RE FRIENDLY... TRY PETTING ONE.
...WHY WAS THAT BOY TOUCHING YOU?
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE SOME GLUTEAL IMPLANTS THAT NEED UNIMPLANTING.

WHAT THE &%*@ HAPPENED TO YOU, MORON?
I WENT TO A MAKEOVER SPECIALIST AND HE RECOMMENDED A HAIRPIECE. IS IT OBVIOUS?
DUDE, PLEASE, IT'S RIDICULOUS. NEVER LISTEN TO THAT GUY AGAIN. THE NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR APP- EARRANCE, YOU ASK ME... GOT IT?
GOT IT.
...WHAT DO YOU THINK OF BUTT-IMPLANTS?

WOW...YOU'RE DOING QUITE A BUSINESS TODAY.
SCORN $10
I WOULDN'T THINK THERE WAS SUCH A MARKET FOR SCORN.
THERE'S NOT.
SCORN $10
Acceptance (Free)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, RAT?
I'M SELLING SCORN... WANT SOME?
WHY WOULD I PAY FOR SOMETHING I DON'T WANT AND COULD GET FOR FREE?
BECAUSE YOU'RE A BIG, DUMB IDIOT.
...THAT ONE'S ON THE HOUSE.

GEE, ATLAS...I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS OUR WORLD...IS THIS THE PART WHERE I LIVE?
YES, PIG, BUT DON'T POINT YOUR FINGER SO CLOSE TO IT.
WHY NOT?
POKE
THAT'S A GOOD REASON.

WHO ARE YOU?
ATLAS. I CARRY THE WORLD ON MY SHOULDERS. BUT LATELY, IT'S GROWN MUCH TOO HEAVY.
JUST REST IT ON THE COUNTER THERE. I'M SURE IT'LL BE FINE.
THANKS, MAN. PHEW. WHAT A RELIEF.
SOMEWHERE IN ANTARCTICA...

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, I'M YOUR NEIGHBOR, PIG... I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW SOME SELF-ESTEEM... I'M A LITTLE LOW RIGHT NOW.
YOU... WHAT?
SELF-ESTEEM, I'M LOW... NOT SURE HOW IT HAPPENED, REALLY... GUESS I JUST GOT HURT SO MANY TIMES THAT SOME OF THOSE SELF-ESTEEM BUTTERFLIES MUST HAVE FLOWN RIGHT OUT OF MY HEAD. HEH HEH...
LISTEN, WEIRDO... NEIGHBORS BORROW THINGS THAT ARE TANGIBLE... SUGAR, FLOUR, LADDERS, LAWN MOWERS... THAT SORT OF THING... THEY DON'T WASTE EACH OTHER'S TIME MAKING STUPID, IMBECILIC REQUESTS LIKE THAT.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
...HOW 'BOUT A NET?

I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO GET GOING.
I DO... I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
KISS KISS
WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?
THAT'S HOW GERALDO RIVERA SIGNS OFF EVERY NIGHT.
...SO THEN HE SAYS, "LET ME SHOW YOU HOW GERALDO GETS SMASHED IN THE FACE WITH A CHAIR..."

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR GIANT CAN OF BEER?
IT'S GONE... SOMEONE STOLE IT FROM OUR GARAGE LAST NIGHT.
STOLE IT? WHO WOULD BREAK INTO OUR GARAGE JUST TO STEAL A CAN OF BEER?
BURP