Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dearest Mother,
As you may have heard, I recently had both my ears chopped off by a Japanese chef... Then I got two breasts.
Fortunately, I found a new plastic surgeon who fixed both problems. Now I am good as new and doing just terrific!
SHE MUST BE SO PROUD.

CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
I'LL HAVE THE CHICKEN BREAST AND A RACK OF LAMB.
ANYTHING ELSE?
A SIDE OF MELON AND A JUG OF WATER.
YOU'RE NOT FUNNY, YOU KNOW.

WHAT ARE
THOSE?
BREASTS. I WENT TO THE PLASTIC SURGEON TO GET MY EARS PUT BACK ON, AND HE GAVE ME THESE.
WHERE ARE YOUR EARS?
WHO KNOWS?
HONEY, I'M AFRAID THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
OH, GREAT. ANOTHER BAD TIE?

SO PIG GOT HIS OTHER EAR CHOPPED OFF, TOO, HUH?
YEAH, BUT HE FOUND SOME REALLY CHEAP PLASTIC SURGEON TO FIX HIM.
I WOULDN'T TRY TO SAVE MONEY ON SOMETHING LIKE THAT... WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN.
HE'LL BE FINE.
DOUBLE NUTS.

I HEAR PIG GOT HIS EAR CUT OFF BY A JAPANESE CHEF.
YEAH, AND HE'S GOING BACK TO EAT THERE AGAIN.
WHY IS HE DOING THAT?
WELL, HE LIKES THE FOOD, AND HE FIGURES IT CAN'T HAPPEN TWICE.
NUTS.

WHERE DID PIG GO?
TO ONE OF THOSE JAPAN- ESE RESTAURANTS WHERE THE CHEFS DO ALL THOSE FANCY KNIFE TRICKS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.
GEE, WITH PIG'S LUCK, DO YOU THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA?
YOU WORRY TOO MUCH.
I'D LIKE THAT BACK, PLEASE.
SO SORRY.

ChatRoom43
Lonely/Single
STUD16:...haha, good one, Sady.LOL, yer the best, IMHO
SADY: LOL, too, Studly. Hey, gotta go...Errands to do, ya know?
2TU4U: Bye Sady. Gotta go 2...love you
FOOD MART
STUD16: Missed U guys...
SADY: Me 2
But glad 2 be back :)
2TU4U: Hi all!

WHO ARE ALL YOU PEOPLE?
THE DIMINUTIVE DOOMSAYERS…
…WE’RE SHORT LITTLE GUYS WHO PRAY FERVENTLY FOR THE END OF THIS WORLD.
WHY DO YOU DO THAT??
WE CAN’T GET DATES.

I HEAR YOU GOT A JOB WORKING FOR THE GOVERNOR.
YEAH. TODAY WAS MY FIRST DAY. WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
THE NEWS. LOOKS LIKE THEY EXECUTED SOME GUY AT THE PRISON.
THAT REMINDS ME... I FORGOT TO DO SOMETHING...
PARDON?
WHAT'S RIGHT?
THAT'S RIGHT.
GOTTA GO.

"IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES, IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES, IT WAS THE AGE OF WISDOM, IT WAS THE AGE OF FOOLISHNESS."
"...IT WAS THE SEASON OF LIGHT, IT WAS THE SEASON OF DARKNESS, IT WAS THE SPRING OF HOPE, IT WAS THE WINTER OF DESPAIR!"
GEE... WHERE'S A GOOD EDITOR WHEN YOU NEED ONE?

HOW WAS THE WRITTEN PART OF YOUR DRIVING TEST?
EASY. THEY GIVE YOU A BUNCH OF REAL-LIFE DRIVING SITUATIONS AND ASK HOW YOU’D REACT.
THAT SOUNDS HARD.
NO… IT’S SIMPLE… EVERY QUESTION HAS PRETTY MUCH THE SAME ANSWER.
“MAKE AN OBSCENE GESTURE.”
“MAKE AN OBSCENE GESTURE.”
“MAKE TWO OBSCENE GESTURES…”

MY PEN PAL FROM
CHIAPAS GOT FIRED
FROM HIS FAST
FOOD JOB.
WHAT’S
HE
GONNA
DO NOW?
WELL, HE’S PRETTY CHARISMATIC,
SO HE FIGURES HE CAN GET
SOMETHING IN SALES....
...GIRLS, IF YOU'RE LIKE ME,
AND YOU PREFER YOUR SALADS
FRESH AND CRISP, THEN THIS
IS THE 'TUPPERWARE' FOR YOU!

HEY, MY PEN PAL FROM CHIAPAS, MEXICO IS COMING TO VISIT.
YOU MEAN THE GUY WHO'S TRYING TO OVERTHROW THE MEXICAN GOVERNMENT?
YEAH...HE WANTS TO COME HERE AND MAKE SOME MONEY TO SUPPORT HIS ARMY BACK HOME.
WHAT'S HE GONNA DO?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUPER-SIZE THAT?

THANKS FOR COMING OVER, PIG.
MY PLEASURE, KITTY. HOW ARE THINGS?
OH, I CAN’T COMPLAIN. I MEAN THE LIVING ARRANGEMENTS ARE A LITTLE CRAMPED, BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK?
NO, I’M OKAY. HEY, HOW’S VICTOR ?
OH, I THOUGHT YOU KNEW. VICTOR MOVED OUT. ANY OF THE KIDS, TOO.
YEAH, WELL, I’D RATHER NOT DISCUSS IT...IT’S ALL PRETTY PAINFUL...
LISTEN, IF YOU DON’T MIND WAITING, I’D LIKE TO ORDER MORE HERE. THE SHOW...
OKAY...HANG ON...
I’D LIKE THAT.
HAD NO IDEA.
WHERE WERE WE?

"NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM."
WHAT'S IT THINK OF THE COFFEE MAKER?
HE NEVER ANSWERS MY QUESTIONS.

I HEARD YOU QUIT YOUR JOB AT "THE NEW YORK TIMES".
YEAH... I WANTED MORE EXPOSURE, SO I GOT A JOB AT ONE OF THE SUPERMARKET TABLOIDS.
HOW IS IT GOING?
BAD. THEY HAVE ALL THESE STANDARDS. YOU HAVE TO GET THREE SOURCES TO VERIFY A STORY, AND YOU CAN'T MAKE UP ALL OF YOUR QUOTES AND BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH...
...I MISS "THE TIMES".

BAGHDAD -- Today in Baghdad, I found all of the weapons of mass destruction. They were hidden in a downtown convenience store.
The weapons were right behind the counter, just to the left of the adult magazines. I asked the store's clerks, Punjab and Abu, how it was that Hans Blix could have missed these.
"Well," said Punjab, "It looked like Blix was headed straight for them, when suddenly, he made a beeline for the girlie magazines."
"Yeah," added Abu, "That Blix is one lonely guy."

BAGHDAD- Today in Baghdad, this reporter was ushered into the underground bunker of deposed ruler Saddam Hussein.
Saddam, dressed only in boxer shorts and a pair of Birkenstocks, sat quietly upon a beanbag, playing his 'Gameboy' and occasionally weeping. A nearby stereo played what sounded like American country music. I asked the former tyrant what he was listening to.
"Dixie Chicks," he muttered. "Nothing but 'Dixie Chicks.'"

THIS IS RIDICULOUS. YOU CAN'T WRITE A STORY FROM BAGH-DAD IF YOU'RE NOT REALLY THERE.
DUDE, I WORK FOR "THE NEW YORK TIMES"... I CAN DO ANY-THING I WANT.
WHAT IF YOU NEED A QUOTE FROM SOMEBODY?
I'LL GET ONE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, GENERAL?
THAT'S RIGHT, RAT.

DID YOU HEAR RAT GOT A JOB WORKING FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES?
DOING WHAT?
HE'S A FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT STATIONED IN BAGHDAD. IN FACT, HE'S THERE RIGHT NOW COVERING SOME MILITARY OPERATION.
REALLY?
REALLY.

LOOK. I BOUGHT GARDEN SHEARS.
WATCH OUT... YOU'RE GONNA--
PSSSHAHH
EEEE-YO! *POP*
GEEZ, I'M SO SORRY.
POP
PSHHHHH...
SWACK!
SMACK! POW!!
OH #%*^ MIMES.

I AM THE PHILOSOPHER KING. ASK ME A QUESTION.
WHY MUST INNOCENT, THOUGHTFUL ZEBRAS SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF BRUTAL, STUPID LIONS?
THEY RUN FASTER.

YOU STILL HAVING TROUBLE COMING UP WITH IDEAS FOR YOUR SHORT STORY?
LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU DUMB PIG.
WELL, I THOUGHT I'D HELP YOU OUT, SO I BROUGHT ALONG MY BUDDY, MOOSE... ...SMACK HIM, MOOSE!!
POW!!
... I SAID I WAS WAITING FOR THE MUSE TO STRIKE...
HE WANTS ANOTHER MOOSE!!

I SAW MY COUSIN GENE TODAY.
IS HE THAT GUY THAT RUNS MARATHONS?
YEAH, BUT HE'S A REAL JERK. NOBODY IN MY FAMILY LIKES HIM.
IT MUST BE TOUGH TO HAVE A BAD GENE THAT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

HEY, ISN'T THAT DAVID JUSTICE, THE BASEBALL STAR?
YEAH, AND LOOK AT THAT BIG PLATE OF PEAS HE'S EATING.
I'LL WAIT TIL HE'S DONE AND GRAB SOME LEFTOVER PEAS FOR A SOUVENIR.
NO, YOU WON'T. THE WAITRESS JUST TOOK HIS PLATE AND NOW HE'S LEAVING.
... NO JUSTICE, NO PEAS.