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HI. I'M COLIN. I'D LIKE TO RENT THE ROOM YOU LISTED IN THE PAPER.
WELL, KEEP WALKIN', BIG GUY, 'CAUSE I'M NOT RENTING A ROOM TO A GUY NAMED 'COLON.'
IT'S 'COLIN!'
BEAT IT, COLON. YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE ROOM. AND IF YOU GOT A BROTHER NAMED 'URETHRA,' HE AIN'T GETTING IT EITHER.
...SOMEWHERE A CRUEL MOTHER IS LAUGHING.

Hi. I'm here to see the room you're subletting.
PREPARE TO GET FLEECED, SUCKER.
Forget it. I'm not interested anymore.
What? Why?
I READ THE THOUGHT BALLOON ABOVE YOUR HEAD IN THE FIRST PANEL.
Curse this cartoon life.

DUDE, WE'RE SHORT ON THE RENT AGAIN.
WELL, GEE, I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE MONEY.
THAT DOES IT... WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO SUBLET ONE OF THE ROOMS TO SOME DESPERATE LOSER LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO STAY.
I.... ALREADY LIVE HERE.
YOU COME FROM A LARGE TRIBE, MY FRIEND.

HOW ARE THE ELECTION RETURNS?
BAD... I LOST BIGTIME... AND IT'S ALL THAT STUPID PIG'S FAULT.
WHAT DID PIG DO?
I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO A BALLGAME TO KISS SOME BABIES AND THROW OUT THE FIRST BALL, BUT I COULDN'T MAKE IT, SO I SENT PIG IN MY PLACE.
BUT HOW DID THAT LOSE YOU THE ELECTION?
HOW? I'LL TELL YOU HOW...
"KISS"
AAAAH!!!

THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES
SIR... WHY SHOULD SOMEONE VOTE FOR YOU OVER RALPH NADER?
BECAUSE NADER IS A NUTBALL.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE IF YOU'LL RECALL, IT WAS ONLY A FEW DECADES AGO THAT RALPH NADER FORCED THE BIG THREE AUTO MAKERS TO MAKE CARS SAFER.
YEEEES, BUT IF YOU HATE OTHER PEOPLE AS MUCH AS I DO, YOU'LL SEE THAT THAT'S NOT NECESSARILY A GOOD THING.
...I'D LIKE FIVE MINUTES TO REBUT MYSELF.

DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DONG
TRICK OR TREAT!
HI, RAT.
HI, PIG.
HI!
HEY, GUYS, NOT TO BE A JERK ABOUT IT, BUT I HATE IT WHEN I GET TRICK-OR-TREATERS WHO DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO WEAR A COSTUME.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, BUT I JUST CAN'T GIVE YOU ANY CANDY... SEE YA...
... YOU STUPID MORON... I TOLD YOU THIS WAS A BAD IDEA...
... AND I WORKED SO HARD ON THESE...

THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES
LISTEN, RAT, THIS IS A LIST OF FAMOUS LINES FROM PAST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES... IF YOU GET IN TROUBLE, OR SAY SOMETHING DUMB, YOU MIGHT WANT TO USE ONE.
GOTCHA.
... MR. RAT...
WHY SHOULD SOMEONE VOTE FOR YOU OVER SENATOR KERRY?
WELL... MR. KERRY'S FIRST NAME IS JOHN, AND A "JOHN" IS WHAT WE CALL A MAN WHO'S BEEN PICKED UP IN A PROSTITUTION STING...
WHERE'S THE BEEF??

WELCOME TO C.N.N.'S "NEWSNIGHT"... HERE'S YOUR HOST, AARON BROWN...
WELCOME, FOLKS. TONIGHT WE EXPLORE THE CURIOUS PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDACY OF RAT...
TO BEGIN, LET'S START WITH "THE WHIP" AND OUR VERY OWN WOLF BLITZER, WHO'S STANDING BY WITH THE CANDIDATE IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
HAVE YOU BEEN A BAD BAD BOY, WOLFIE?
...PERHAPS I MISUNDERSTOOD THE CONCEPT.

SIR, IF ELECTED ON YOUR ANTI-FRENCH PLATFORM, WHAT ELSE WILL YOU TRY TO DO?
WELL, YOU'VE HEARD OF CHANGING "FRENCH FRIES" TO "FREEDOM FRIES"
BUT I'LL EXPAND THAT TO OTHER THINGS...
SUCH AS WHAT, SIR?
WELL, LARRY BIRD WILL NOW BE FROM "FREEDOM" LICK, INDIANA. MR. FRENCH, THE BUTLER FROM "A FAMILY AFFAIR," WILL NOW BE "MR. FREEDOM," AND A KISS INVOLVING TONGUE WILL NOW BE...
LEMME GUESS... A "FREEDOM KISS," SIR?
YES. AND COULD C.N.N.'S PAULA ZAHN PLEASE COME TO THE FRONT FOR A DEMONSTRATION?

SIR, AGAIN, YOU'VE MADE YOUR FEELINGS QUITE CLEAR ON FRANCE, BUT WHERE DO YOU STAND ON OTHER ISSUES? FOR EXAMPLE, ARE YOU PRO-CHOICE?
OHHHHHH NO NO NO NO NO. NOOOOOO. NOT AT ALL ...
AND WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE IN HIGH SCHOOL, THEY MADE US READ "ULYSSES" AND IT WAS THE MOST INCOMPREHENSIBLE CRAP I'VE EVER READ IN MY LIFE.
SIR...THAT'S JOYCE. I'M ASKING IF YOU'RE PRO-CHOICE.
WELL, IF I HAD A CHOICE, I WOULDN'T READ JOYCE.
...NEVER MIND.

RATS RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY
SIR, YOU'VE MADE YOUR FEELINGS
QUITE CLEAR ON FRANCE... BUT WHAT
ABOUT OTHER ISSUES, LIKE GUN
CONTROL?
I'M AGAINST GUN CONTROL... IN
FACT, I'M AGAINST ALL CONTROL...
MIND CONTROL, SELF CONTROL,
BIRTH CONTROL, REMOTE CONTROL AND
GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM.
...AND WE
THOUGHT
DEAN WAS
NUTS.
YAAAAAH

SIR, IN YOUR RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY, ARE YOU ACTUALLY ADVOCATING THE INVASION OF FRANCE?
THAT IS CORRECT.
BUT ON WHAT BASIS, SIR?
THE "OFFICIAL" REASON WILL BE THAT THE FRENCH POSSESS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION AND ARE CONTINUALLY HOSTILE TO U.S. INTERESTS.
AND THE UNOFFICIAL?
I WANT TO SHOVE THEIR CHAIN-SMOKING FACES INTO A PILE OF CROISSANTS.

GOOD TO BE HERE, TIM.
SIR-- SOME OF YOUR CRITICS SAY YOU'RE A RIGHT-WING NUT WHO'S HIDING BEHIND FLAG-WAVING PATRIOTISM TO DISTRACT US FROM HOW YOU'D REALLY GOVERN. HOW DO YOU RESPOND?
LIES, LIES AND MORE LIES. IN FACT, IF ELECTED, I WILL IMMEDIATELY WITHDRAW OUR TROOPS FROM IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN.
SO YOU'RE AGAINST THE WARS?
WELL, NO... TIM... I'M ACTUALLY IN FAVOR OF THEM.
THEN WHY WOULD YOU BE WITHDRAWING THE TROOPS?
BECAUSE I'LL NEED THEM.
FOR WHAT?
TO INVADE THE LAND OF THE ARROGANT, EFFEMINATE, CHEESE-SNIFFING WEASELS YOU CALL "FRANCE."
...CARE FOR A "FREEDOM FRY"?

HELLO, EVERYONE. I'VE CALLED THIS NEWS CONFERENCE TODAY TO MAKE A COUPLE OF ANNOUNCEMENTS. FIRST, I'D LIKE TO DECLARE MY CANDIDACY FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
SIR, DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE LATE TO BE GETTING INTO THE RACE?
NOT AT ALL. MY TEAM OF ADVISERS INFORMS ME THAT SIX MONTHS IS MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME TO PREPARE FOR ELECTION DAY.
SIR, THE ELECTION'S A WEEK FROM TUESDAY. BUT WHAT IS YOUR SECOND ANNOUNCEMENT?
THAT I HAVE FIRED MY TEAM OF ADVISERS.
NUTS.

AT THE STREET SIGN BAR...
YO, HANK. I GOT TO GET GOING OR I’LL CATCH HELL FROM THE OLD LADY.
GOTCHA, MAN... BUT YOU BETTER GIVE JIMMY A LIFT. HE AIN’T IN NO CONDITION TO BE DRIVING.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
LOOK AT HIM.
>UURR<

AT THE STREET SIGN BAR...
WHERE'S HANK, THE HIGH VOLTAGE SIGN, NOW?
WELL, THIS IS THE POINT IN THE NIGHT WHERE JUST ABOUT EVERY WOMAN IN THE BAR HAS REJECTED HIM, SO HE STARTS BEER GOGGLING.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHERE HE STARTS TO FIND WOMEN ATTRACTIVE JUST BECAUSE HE'S DRUNK.
YOU ARE SHERIOUSHLY... URP... HOT.

AT THE STREET SIGN BAR...
WHERE’S HANK, THE HIGH VOLTAGE SIGN?
HE’S TRYING TO PICK UP THOSE TWO LADIES AT THE END OF THE BAR.
IS HE HAVING ANY LUCK?
DOESN’T LOOK LIKE IT.
...AND WHEN I’M NOT AT MY SIX-FIGURE JOB, I’M USUALLY AT THE GYM, BENCHING AROUND 475.
WHATEVER
I AM LIKE... SOOO UNINTERESTED.

AT THE STREET SIGN BAR......
LOOK AT THAT STUPID GUY NEXT TO YOU. YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL "THRU TRAFFIC."
HEY, LEAVE HIM ALONE, MAN. THE WORD JUST DIDN'T FIT.
YEAH...LEAVE HIM ALONE, MAN...IT'S YOU THAT BE THE STUPID ONE.
HEY, LISTEN, "THRU-BOY." YOU BETTER TELL YOUR MORON FRIEND TO STAY OUT OF THIS. EVERYONE KNOWS HE'S THE DUMBEST GUY IN THE BAR.
HE'S RIGHT, HAL..... STAY OUT OF THIS.
BUT I IS SMART, GEORGE... I IS SMART.

HEY, I KNOW YOU GUYS... YOU'RE THE SIGNS FROM THE END OF OUR BLOCK... DO ALL YOU SIGNS DRINK HERE?
NAH, KID. JUST THE TOUGH ONES... THOSE OF US WITH CLOUT... WITH PRESENCE. DEFY ME, AND YOU'RE FRIED. DEFY LARRY HERE AND YOU'RE CRUSHED BY A TRAIN... NO ONE MESSES WITH US... AND WE SURE DON'T ALLOW NO SISSY SIGNS HERE.
WE SHOULD GO, CLARENCE.
NOT BEFORE I FINISH MY MILK, ERNIE.

I'D LIKE TO JUST GET THIS BOX OF CORN FLAKES... YOU BEEN HERE?
YEP. FIRST DAY ON THE NEW JOB. YOU SKIP THE CHIT-CHAT AND COUNT THE FLAKES.
ONE... TWO... THREE...
GROCERY MART
WHY YOU DOING THAT?
BACK OFF, SLIM-IT'S COMIN' OUTTA MY PAYCHECK.
2.11... 2.12... 2.13...
SERIOUSLY, DUDE, BACK OFF. IF YOU ADD THEIR TEARS, I'M NOT GOING TO FINISH BY THE END OF MY FIRST DAY.
574... 575...
...
.575 CORN FLAKES...
.575 OF EACH FLAVOR CORN FLAKES...
THAT'S THE END OF 'EM.
I'M SORRY, BUT I--
SHUT YOUR MOUTH, SIR! SHUT YOUR MOUTH... YOU'RE IN ENOUGH TROUBLE AS IT IS... DON'T COMPOUND IT BY PLAYING ME FOR THE FOOL... NOW QUIT ROLLING THOSE BIG OL' TEARS OF GET-BACK AT ME OVER HERE BEFORE I POP YOU FLAT HEAD WITH A BOX OF CORN, YOU SLIMY TWO-FACED WEASEL...
AND HE FIRED YOU?
YEAH, AND I WAS LIKE, "DUDE, I'M JUST DOING MY JOB THE RULES," AND HE'S LIKE "THE RULES? YUP, THE

YOU HERE FOR A HAIRCUT?
OHH, NO... I COME TO THE BARBER TO BUY FRESH BISCUITS AND GRAVY...I SEE YOUR SELECTION IS QUITE LIMITED.
...NEVER GET SARCASTIC WITH YOUR BARBER.

I GOT LOST DRIVING TO THE JOHNSONS’ HOUSE AGAIN.
YOU STUPID PIG...HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO BRING A MAP?
I DID.
WHICH MAP?
...COME TO THINK OF IT, I NEVER DID SEE THIS GIANT BUFFALO.

LOOK AT THAT STUPID HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET...THE FRONT LAWN IS PERFECT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
IT'S A KNOWN FACT THAT PEOPLE WHO OBSESS OVER THEIR FRONT LAWNS ARE CLOSET PSYCHOPATHS. THEY'RE LIKELY TO KILL US ALL.
I HARDLY THINK A COUPLE OF EIGHTY-YEAR-OLDS WHO CAN BARELY WALK ARE SECRETLY PLANNING YOUR MURDER.
...AND AFTER I WHACK HIM IN THE HEAD, YOU BURY HIM IN THE CORN FIELD.
WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BURY THEM IN THE CORN FIELD??

HELLO, RAT...THIS IS ALPHONSE, THE PORCUPINE. YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHY I HAVEN'T CALLED YOU TODAY.
I NEVER WONDERED THAT ONCE.
I DON'T THINK ABOUT YOU.
THE REASON I DIDN'T CALL IS THAT I'VE TAKEN ALL MY BELONGINGS AND MOVED HERE TO HAWAII.
I MUST TELL YOU, THOUGH, THAT I WILL NOT BE PROVIDING YOU WITH A FORWARDING ADDRESS. I NEED SOME TIME TO BE ALONE. TO REFLECT UPON THE STATE OF OUR FRIENDSHIP...I KNOW THIS WON'T BE EASY...
BUT BELIEVE ME, I'M AS SCARED AS YOU.

HI, RAT. WHAT ARE YOU SELLING?
ADVICE... BUY SOME, BECAUSE I HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.
OH, GOODIE. GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.
FINE. HERE IT IS...
DON’T TAKE ADVICE FROM GUYS WHO CLAIM TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.
... TIPS ARE WELCOME.