Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
THIS STORY ON THE NEWS ABOUT SOME GUY WHO DROWNED.
THAT HAPPENED TO ME ONCE.
PIG... IF YOU DROWN, YOU DIE.
WOW. HEAVEN IS ONE HECKUVA LETDOWN.

I SENT A REMINDER POSTCARD TO MY DENTIST.
I THOUGHT DENTISTS SENT US REMINDER CARDS.
THEY DO... EVERY SIX MONTHS HE WRITES TO TELL ME TO GET MY TEETH CLEANED AND EVERY SIX MONTHS I WRITE BACK TO TELL HIM I HATE DENTISTS.
WE'RE LIKE PEN PALS, BUT WITHOUT THE PALS.

PIG... I THINK IT'S TIME WE TALKED ABOUT OUR FUTURE TOGETHER... WHERE DO YOU SEE YOU AND ME GOING ?
UH... TO THE MOVIES ?
BIG PICTURE.
I HOPE SO... I HATE THOSE TINY SCREENS.

HEY. WE BETTER
TELL NEIGHBOR
JOHN THAT HIS
"BEWARE OF DOG"
SIGN LOST A
LETTER.
I THINK HE'S
OUT OF TOWN,
BUT MAYBE
HIS WIFE
IS HOME.
CAN SHE
FIX IT ?
IT'S WORTH
A TRY.
CAN I
HELP YOU ?
NEVER
MIND.

I'M TRYING TO WRITE TO PIGITA AND TELL HER HOW MUCH I LOVE HER, BUT I JUST CAN'T EMPHASIZE IT ENOUGH.
ITALICIZE IT... IF YOU KNOW HOW.
OF COURSE I KNOW HOW.
GOOD.
DEAR-O PIGITA-O, I LOVE-O YOU-O MORE-O THAN-A RIGATONI AND-A MOSTACCIOLI AND-A RAVIOLI. LOVE-O, PIG-O.

What’s that thing?
It’s the "Broken People Fixer." For a hundred bucks, people can step inside and have their problems solved.
How does it work?
People who are stupid enough to think they can solve their problems by stepping into a cardboard box pay me $100. I take their money. I get rich.
What about them?
WHO KNOWS? I TAKE OFF BEFORE THEY CAN GET OUT OF THE BOX.
You’re a complete fraud. You steal people’s money.
No, no... I’m a capitalist... I capitalize on their stupidity.
Yeah, well no one’s gonna fall for this idiot trap.
Hey, you may know it’s an idiot trap. I may know it’s an idiot trap. But an idiot won’t know it’s an idiot trap... That’s the beauty of idiots... They’re idiots.
...Bad news, guys.

WHERE IS RAT TODAY? I THOUGHT HE HAD TAKEN THE STRIP HOSTAGE.
HE DID, BUT HE UTTERED SO MANY TRITE PUNCHLINES THAT THE COMIC POLICE BUSTED IN AND TOOK HIM AWAY.
WOW. I HAD NO IDEA YOU COULD BE IMPRISONED FOR TRITE COMIC PUNCHLINES.
YEAH. IT'S SCARY. I JUST HOPE HE'S NOT BEING HARASSED BY ONE OF THOSE PRISON GANGS.
DIDJA HEAR THAT, GUYS? THE RAT HERE THINKS HE DON'T HAFTA GIVE JEFFY HIS SMOKES.

OKAY, RAT. YOU'VE PUSHED YOUR LUCK TOO FAR. YOU'VE UTTERED SO MANY "GARFIELD" PUNCHLINES THAT THE STRIP IS DAMAGED IRREVOCABLY. YOU HAVE NO MORE LEVERAGE TO USE ON ME.
RITA... BRING THE RAT A COPY OF "CATHY: A TWENTY-YEAR RETROSPECTIVE".
I'M... GOING. TO KILL. YOU..
AAAAACK!! THE BATHING SUIT DOES NOT FIT!!
HAHAHA. THE RAT IS SO AMUSED.

OKAY, RAT... YOU GOT WHAT YOU ASKED FOR. NOW PUT DOWN THE "GARFIELD" BOOK AND UNLOCK THE PANEL.
OH, NO... I'M NOT FINISHED, PASTIS. FROM NOW ON, YOU WILL DEPICT ME AS A ROMAN EMPEROR SURROUNDED BY HOT CHICKS WHO ARE FEEDING ME GRAPES. AND AHH, YES, I WILL SPEAK OF MYSELF ONLY IN THE THIRD PERSON.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
SHHHH... I AM TRYING TO SNEAK UP ON A SPIDER AND CRUSH HIM WITH MY ROLLED-UP NEWSPAPER. THIS, MY FRIEND, IS COMEDY!
YOU HAVE PLEASED THE RAT.

LISTEN, PASTIS... EITHER YOU GIVE ME WHAT I WANT, OR I RUIN THIS STRIP BY UTTERING A NEW 'GARFIELD' CATCHPHRASE EVERY HOUR, ON THE HOUR!
OKAY, RAT... YOU WIN... WHAT DO YOU WANT?
SALARY. TRIPLE IT.
MY DRESSING ROOM. STOCK IT WITH 'M&M'S.' BUT NO RED ONES. I HATE THE RED ONES.
IT'S YOURS.
THE STRIP'S NAME. CHANGE IT TO 'WORSHIP THE RAT.'
OH, DUDE, PLEASE... YOU CAN'T...
'ODIE... YOU HAVE BONE BREATH.'
THAT'S BETTER.
OKAY, MAN, YOU'VE GOT YOUR WHAT YOU WANT. NOW JUST PUT... THE... BOOK... DOWN...

YOU HEARD ME RIGHT, PASTIS. UNTIL YOU START TREATING ME LIKE THE COMIC SUPERSTAR I AM, I WILL CONTINUE TO LOCK MYSELF IN THESE PANELS AND UTTER PUNCHLINES FROM THIS "GREAT BIG BOOK OF 'GARFIELD.'"
YOU CAN'T DO THAT, RAT... YOU'LL DESTROY "PEARLS."
OH, I CAN'T, HUH? WATCH ME.
LISTEN, RAT... I KNOW THAT YOU DEPEND ON THIS STRIP AS MUCH AS I DO... YOU'RE NOT GONNA RISK DESTROYING IT. SO YOUR BLUFFING HAS NO EFFECT ON ME.
I LIVE FOR MY LASAGNA.
HOLY &#@#! ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! LET'S TALK, MAN, LET'S TALK!!

WHAT'S WITH THE LOCKS ON THE PANEL FRAMES?
IT'S TO KEEP PASTIS OUT. WE'RE TAKING THIS STRIP HOSTAGE.
WHY?
BECAUSE RAT IS A COMICS SUPERSTAR AND RAT DEMANDS RESPECT... SO UNTIL PASTIS STARTS COMPENSATING RAT APPROPRIATELY, RAT IS GONNA LOCK HIMSELF IN AND TAKE DOWN THIS ENTIRE STRIP.
BUT HOW?
BEHOLD! THE LAST FOUR YEARS OF "GARFIELD" PUNCHLINES!
THE SECRET OF LIFE IS EATING LASAGNA!
...I HATE MONDAYS.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? ARE YOU INSANE??
YOU'RE INSANE! I REGRET EVER MARRYING YOU, YOU CHEAP, DUMB FAILURE !!!
LOOK FAMILIAR, FOLKS? YOU'RE WITH FRIENDS WHEN SUDDENLY, YOU AND YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER GET IN A BIG, NASTY FIGHT. YOU BOTH FEEL EMBARRASSED... TIRED OF THE EMBARRASSMENT... WE NOW HAVE HELP...
HI. I'M DR. RAT, AUTHOR OF THE BEST-SELLING RELATIONSHIP REPAIR BOOK "LOVE, IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME YELLING, GET OUT NOW BECAUSE I'M NOT CHANGING"... YOU MAY HAVE SEEN MY LECTURES ON RAT TV... WE'RE OFFERING YOU EIGHT FULL HOURS OF OUR VIDEOCASTS FOR JUST $29.99...
AS 97% OF MARITAL FIGHTS BEGIN WITH CONVERSATIONS, WE'VE NOW ADAPTED THE CONVERSATION TO THIS SIMPLE FORMULA... NOW YOU YELL BEFORE THEY YELL... TRUST ME, YOU'LL LOVE THE RESULTS!
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL... BECAUSE SOME CONVERSATIONS YOU JUST CAN'T AVOID, OUR VIDEO WILL TEACH YOU OUR ADAPTATION OF THE AMISH "SILENT TREATMENT", WHICH WILL ENSURE YOUR FIGHTS WILL NEVER USE WORDS OF ANY KIND...
BUT WE'RE STILL NOT DONE! ORDER TODAY AND YOU CAN SAY

Dear Sammy Sosa,
Every time you go out to the field,
you sprint, while all the other
players just walk. This raises
an obvious question.
...ARE YOU IN TROUBLE
WITH THE LAW?
P.S. If so, please send me
an autograph before it's
too late.

EXCUSE ME, BUT WHAT IS THAT YOU'RE HOLDING?
IT'S MY "MALLET O' UNDERSTANDING". IF WE DON'T SEE EYE-TO-EYE, I'M GONNA SMASH YOU.
WELL, IF THAT'S YOUR ATTITUDE, I'LL SMASH YOU BEFORE YOU CAN SMASH ME.
I WOULD NOW LIKE TO QUOTE FROM THE TEACHINGS OF GANDHI.

WELL, LITTLE BUDDY, I’VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS... I NEED TO SMASH YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH MY ‘MALLET OF UNDERSTANDING.’
WHY?... I DIDN’T DO ANY-THING.
I KNOW. BUT ONE DAY YOU MIGHT...AND I CAN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
WELL, GEEZ, IF YOU’RE GONNA DO THAT, MAYBE I SHOULD GET MY OWN MALLET.
THAT WAS CLOSE.

BEHOLD... THE "MALLET O' UNDERSTANDING"... DESIGNED TO HELP ME AMICABLY RESOLVE DISPUTES WITH DUMB PEOPLE.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
IF YOU DISAGREE WITH ME, I SMASH YOU OVER THE HEAD.
WOW... THAT'S GOT NOBEL PRIZE WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.
SNOOTY SARCASM IS NOT PRUDENT.

BEHOLD... THE "MALLET O' UNDERSTANDING"... DESIGNED TO HELP ME AMICABLY RESOLVE DISPUTES WITH THOSE WHO DISAGREE WITH ME.
HOW'S IT WORK?
IF YOU DISAGREE WITH ME, I SMASH YOU OVER THE HEAD.
THAT'S HARDLY AMICABLE.
SMASH
SADLY, YOU WERE UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT.

BEHOLD... I HAVE INVENTED SOMETHING WHICH WILL HELP ME TO RESOLVE DISPUTES WITH DUMB PEOPLE. I CALL IT THE "MALLET O' UNDERSTANDING."
HOW DOES IT WORK?
WHEN PEOPLE ACT DUMB, I SMASH THEM OVER THE HEAD.
HOW DOES THAT PROMOTE UNDERSTANDING?
FRANKLY, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT THAT FAR AHEAD.

THIS IS MY NEW FRIEND,
FROLO, THE COMEBACK
CLOWN.
FROLO REBOUNDS
FROM EVERYTHING.
BAD TIMES. SETBACKS.
DISAPPOINTMENTS.
FROLO ALWAYS
POPS BACK UP.
FROLO HERE PROVES THAT
NO MATTER WHAT LIFE THROWS
YOUR WAY, YOU CAN ALWAYS
BOUNCE BACK WITH A LITTLE
LUCK, A GOOD ATTITUDE
AND A BIG SMILE.
FOOOOOOSHHHH
YOUR THEORY
HAS HOLES.

WE GOT A PROBLEM, GOAT...
PASTIS LAUNCHED PIG INTO
ORBIT IN THE LAST STRIP,
AND HE CAN'T THINK OF A
CLEVER, LOGICAL WAY TO
GET HIM BACK.
DON'T WORRY, RAT... PASTIS
IS A SMART GUY... I'M SURE HE'LL
FIGURE OUT SOMETHING CREATIVE
INVOLVING SPACE TRAVEL OR
ALIEN LIFE WHERE PIG GETS
RETURNED TO EARTH IN SOME
ELABORATE, INSIGHTFUL WAY.
DID YOU
HEAR
SOMETHING?

* Klodski, you are back...Did you find good, cheap pork?
** Yes, I - Holy Trotsky! ... I lost him!
* Lost him? Didn't you explain to him when he jumped into the hole that he needed to slow down as soon as he saw daylight, or else he would risk blowing right through the other side of the earth?!
* Please, woman...Even a stupid pig would know that.
NUTS.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING, PIG?
I'M GOING BACK TO KUKISTAN WITH MY NEW KUKISTANI FRIEND...I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE KUKISTANI CULTURE UP CLOSE.

*The only thing you will see up close is the inside of a frying pan, you big, fat succulent pig.
I HOPE THE LANGUAGE ISN'T A PROBLEM.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME...
YOU'RE FROM KUKISTAN AND YOU
TRAVELED HERE THROUGH A HOLE
PIG DUG IN OUR BACKYARD??
* I am Klodski, from the Kirkhuk
province of Kukistan. I am looking
for cheap pork to feed my large family.
The fat one behind you looks delicious.
I THINK
HE LIKES
US.

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE TRYING TO DIG A HOLE TO KUKISTAN.
I WANT TO MAKE IT EASY FOR ALL THOSE NICE KUKISTANI PEOPLE TO COME VISIT US.
YOU STUPID PIG! THAT'S THOUSANDS OF MILES STRAIGHT THROUGH THE EARTH’S MOLTEN CORE… DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD THAT WOULD BE??
GF26*
* Tell me about it.