Pearls Before Swine | Search

SO HOW DID THE FUNNIES BECOME UNFUNNY?
WELL, YOU HAVE SOME STRIPS WHERE CREATORS DIED OR RETIRED AND HANDED THE STRIPS OFF TO RELATIVES OR HIRED ARTISTS.
ANOTHER PROBLEM IS CARTOONISTS WHO CREATE STRIPS MEREY TO TARGET A DEMOGRAPHIC, BE IT BABY BOOMERS, TEENAGE GIRLS OR A SPECIFIC ETHNICITY.
WHAT IF YOU JUST WANT TO DO SOMETHING THAT'S FUNNY?
YOU WRITE FOR "THE SIMPSONS"!

IT'S NICE TO COME UP HERE AND JUST SIT SOMETIMES.
WHAT ARE ALL THOSE BOXES?
THEY'RE CALLED "PANELS"...WE LIVE IN THE "FUNNIES."
WHY DO THEY CALL IT "THE FUNNIES?"
BECAUSE "IRRELEVANT BANALITY" IS TOO HARD TO SAY.

...AND ON A SNOWY CHRISTMAS EVE, SANTA CALLED THE REINDEER IN FOR A MEETING...
BOYS, IT'S GONNA BE A TOUGH HAUL THIS YEAR.
I HAVE FAITH IN YOU, SANTA. YOU'RE A GREAT, GREAT SLEIGH DRIVER.
WELL, THANK YOU, ROBBY... I APPRECIATE THAT.
OH, MY PLEASURE, SANTA... IN FACT, IT IS AN HONOR TO RIDE WITH YOU.
THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, ROBBY.
CMON, EVERYONE... A BIG, BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR THE KINDEST, WISEST, SMARTEST SANTA EVER.
AND LATER THAT EVENING, THE ANGRY REINDEER TIED UP THEIR SYCOPHANTIC BROTHER AND THREW HIM OFF A CLIFF. ...THE END.
POOR "ROBBY, THE BROWN-NOSE REINDEER."

I HEARD YOU CAUGHT RAT CHEATING AT "SCRABBLE".
YEAH... HE WAS STEALING EXTRA LETTERS THAT SPELLED BIG WORDS AND STUFFING THEM IN HIS CHEEKS TO HIDE THEM.
SO WHAT'D YOU DO?
I TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

HOW'S YOUR SQUID?
SQUIRT
A LITTLE UNDERCOOKED.

SIR, IF YOU'RE HIRED FOR THIS JOB, WHAT WILL BE YOUR GREATEST STRENGTH?
WELL, I THINK THAT ON MOST DAYS, I STEAL LESS THAN OTHER EMPLOYEES.
THAT'S YOUR STRENGTH? ...WHAT'S YOUR WEAKNESS?
ALL THOSE OTHER DAYS.

SO TELL ME... WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR IN A JOB?
I WANT A JOB WHERE JUST SHOWING UP IS ENOUGH.
THAT'S YOUR GOAL?
NO, MY GOAL IS NOT HAVING TO SHOW UP AT ALL.
I DON'T INTERVIEW WELL.

NEIGHBOR BOB FELL OFF HIS ROOF. I THINK HE'S IN I.C.U.
THAT SOUNDS FUN.
WHAT SOUNDS FUN?
PLAYING PEEK-A-BOO.
PEEK-A-BOO?
I SEE YOU!
IS IT ME?

DO YOU THINK EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON?
I DON'T KNOW. I'VE NEVER KNOWN A RAISIN.
REASON.
I DON'T HAVE A REASON WHY I'VE NEVER KNOWN A RAISIN.
THAT HAPPENED FOR A REASON.

BLINK BLINK
JOIN US IN RETURNING SKIPPY TO HIS NATURAL ENVIRONMENT
CLOMP
HE DIDN'T GET THE MEMO.

I DIDN’T GET THAT E-MAIL YOU SAID YOU SENT TO ME YESTERDAY.
I RE-SENT THAT.
GET A LOAD OF MR. SENSITIVE.

I HEARD YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS HAVE ALL EQUIPPED THEMSELVES WITH MUSICAL ALARMS.
YEAH...WHEN THEY'RE CHASED BY LIONS, THE ALARM PLAYS CHRISTMAS CAROLS, AND WE ALL KNOW ONE OF OUR OWN IS IN TROUBLE.
THEN WHAT DO YOU DO?
WE SING ALONG.

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
OKAY, LULU! I GOT THE CAR STARTED! JUST HOP OVER THE FENCE AND WE'RE FREE! FREE, LULU!
I'M NOT LULU... I'M JENNY.
THEN WHERE'S LULU?
SHE FLEW AWAY!

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I THOUGHT I'D FOUND SUCH A GREAT SINGLES PARTY, BUT NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME THEY'RE GONNA KILL ALL OF YOU?
YES, SWEETIE, THAT'S WHAT THEY DO HERE.
THAT EXPLAINS THE LOW COVER CHARGE.

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WANT TO GO HOME WITH ME, LULU.
NO GIRL HAS EVER WANTED TO GO HOME WITH ME.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
WELL, I'VE GIVEN IT A LOT OF THOUGHT, AND IT'S EITHER THAT,
OR STAY HERE AND GET KNOCKED OVER THE HEAD, THROWN INTO BOILING WATER AND MADE INTO A SAUSAGE LINK.
YOU'RE MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE.

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
MR. PIG... I'M LULU. IF YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE, I WANT TO GO WITH YOU.
WITH ME? WHY?
BECAUSE, BABY, THIS TOWN RIPS THE BONES FROM YOUR BACK. IT'S A DEATH TRAP... IT'S A SUICIDE RAP.
WENDY, LET ME IN... I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. I WANT TO GUARD YOUR DREAMS AND VISIONS!
WENDY? WHO'S WENDY?
I HAVE NO IDEA.

SOMEBODY'S MAKING LOUD REPETITIVE NOISES IN THE LAND OF THE NUDE SUPERMODELS.
I AM NOT IN THE LAND OF THE NUDE SUPERMODELS.
THIS SOUND IS NOT STOPPING.
THAT SOUND IS AN ALARM CLOCK.
THAT SOUND IS MY ALARM CLOCK.
THIS IS A WORK DAY.
I MUST GO TO WORK.
THIS WILL BE A BAD DAY AT WORK.
EVERY DAY IS A BAD DAY AT WORK.
I HATE MY JOB.
I NEED A JOB THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE GOING TO WORK.
I AM INCOHERENT. I NEED MORE SLEEP.
WHAT'S TEN MORE MINUTES?
OH, AHHHHHH, TYRA...

WELL, LADIES, I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE OFF, BUT I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
FORGET IT. NONE OF US WILL EVER SEE YOU AGAIN.
NEVER SEE ME AGAIN?? YOU MEAN... OH, MY GOODNESS... IT JUST HIT ME... YOU'RE ALL... YOU'RE ALL...
GAY.

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I'VE ENJOYED TALKING TO YOU, JUVENILE... DO YOU THINK I COULD SEE YOU AGAIN?
SURE. MEET ME IN THE DELI SECTION OF THE GROCERY STORE.
OKAY. BUT AFTERWARD, I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU TO THE MOVIES.
WELL, IF YOU WANT TO TAKE ME OUTSIDE THE GROCERY STORE, IT'S GONNA COST YOU MONEY.
...AND YOU SEEMED LIKE SUCH A NICE GIRL.

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
THERE SURE IS A LOT OF NOISE IN THAT BIG BUILDING. THAT MUST BE WHERE THE DANCING IS ...
HOW WOULD YOU LADIES FEEL ABOUT GOING OVER THERE WITH ME AND DOING A LITTLE DANCING?
I'D JUST DIE.
A SIMPLE "NO" WOULD SUFFICE.

SORRY I WAS AWAY SO LONG, LADIES, BUT I JUST COULDN'T FIND THE BAR. HEY, WHERE'S PAM?
GONE.
SHE WENT HOME?
YOU COULD SAY THAT.
WHERE DOES SHE LIVE?
PIGGY HEAVEN.
THAT MUST BE ONE OF THOSE NEW DEVELOPMENTS.

I HEAR PIG IS VISITING A SLAUGHTERHOUSE.
YEAH...HE THINKS IT'S A SINGLES PARTY.
A SINGLES PARTY?? LISTEN... NOBODY WHO VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE COULD EVER MISTAKE IT FOR A SINGLES PARTY.
...AM I THE ONLY GUY WHO CAN'T FIND THE OPEN BAR?

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HE'S VISITING A SLAUGHTERHOUSE.
WHAT? WHY WOULD HE VISIT A SLAUGHTERHOUSE?
HE THINKS IT'S A SINGLES PARTY.
COME HERE OFTEN?

WHAT'S THIS, RAT?
IT'S MY "DOGHOUSE OF DIFFICULT NEIGHBORS"... I TAKE ALL THE BAD NEIGHBORS IN OUR BLOCK AND STICK THEM IN HERE, OUT OF HARM'S WAY.
YEAH, I'M JIMMY... AND I PAINTED THE EXTERIOR OF MY HOUSE BRIGHT GREEN BECAUSE THE WORD "RESTRAINT" IS NOT IN MY VOCABULARY.
AND I'M GEOFF... I PARK CARS ON MY LAWN TO HIDE THE FACT I'M TOO DERN LAZY TO MOW IT.
AND THIS IS MY DOG, SKIPPY... SKIPPY BARKS ALL DAY BECAUSE I KEEP HIM OUTSIDE AND NEVER GIVE HIM ANY ATTENTION... MAYBE I'LL BUY ANOTHER DOG TO KEEP HIM COMPANY.
HE WAS GOING TO LET ME SAY THIS, BUT WE RAN OUT OF SPACE.
HE IS WRONG, RAT...I'M SURE IF WE ALL JUST TALKED AND GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER, WE COULD WORK ALL THIS OUT.
MY NAMES PIG, HOWARD.
I SAID MY NAME IS HOWARD.
ARF! ARF! ARF!
HUH?
WHAT?
HUH?

Dear Nancy Kerrigan,
It was wrong for you to have Tonya Harding
beaten up like that.
You dumb pig. Nancy Kerrigan
got beaten up.
Two wrongs do not
make a right.