Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DIGGING A HOLE TO KUKISTAN.
THERE'S NO SUCH COUNTRY.
I KNOW. SEE, WHEN STEPHAN ORIGINALLY DREW THIS WEEK'S STRIPS, HE NAMED AN ACTUAL COUNTRY, BUT HIS EDITORS TOLD HIM THAT IF HE DID THAT, THE FOLKS FROM THAT COUNTRY WOULD GET MAD AND COMPLAIN, SO HE HAD TO ALTER ALL OF THE STRIPS ON THE COMPUTER.
ON A POSITIVE NOTE, THE ORIGINALS SHOULD BE WORTH A BUNDLE.

THIS IS MY NEPHEW
STEPHAN.
I HATE HIM.
LAST TUESDAY, THE KID BY HIMSELF ASKED IF I WAS ALL RIGHT. SO IN THE STORE WITH HIM, I SAID, "DO YOU HATE HOW THE 'PEARLS' BOOKS 'I SCREWED UP' AND 'FAILING IN LOVEBWITH FEBRUARY,'...ARE YOU EMBARRASSED THAT THEY'RE WRITTEN BY ME?"
AND SO THERE HE WAS...SLACK JAWED AND SURPRISED. HE BURST OUT, "YES. YES! I SCREWED UP ROYALLY. 'THE PRINCESS SENSE' IS THE QUEEN OF THE LAND. THE QUEEN OF MY BIRTHDAY, MAYBE..."
...IS A BOOK WHERE THE FIRST THING HE DID WAS TO A YOUNG LAD, AND I QUOTE, "WHY NOT COVER HALF-THE-BOOK WITH MY FACE ON MY BEACH?" THEN HE UTTERED, "I... ALWAYS WANT TO DRAW HIM IN HERE."
RIGHT AFTER THE NEXT THING HE GRABBED AND NEVER LET GO WAS AN ENVELOPE UPON EACH OF THE BOOKS.
THE JUDGE-LIKE-PEOPLE OF GAGA AND COMPANY HAD FINALLY SIGNED THEIR NAMES ON THE CHECK WITH THE FIRST SENTENCE ABOUT THE TREATY OF SAINT-MAUR-DES-FOSSES.
AS WE WERE HEADING TO THE CAR

GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR... CAN I INTEREST YOU IN OUR BUFFALO WINGS?
I DIDN'T KNOW BUFFALO COULD FLY.
BUFFALO CAN'T FLY.
WELL, OF COURSE BUFFALO CAN'T FLY. YOU TOOK THEIR WINGS.
THEY NEVER HAD WINGS.
THAT WON'T FLY.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE WHAT I FOUND AT THE STORE TODAY. IT'S THIS METAL THING THAT YOU RUB CHEESE AGAINST AND WHAMMO! YOU HAVE GRATED CHEESE.
THAT'S CALLED A CHEESE GRATER.
WOW. WORD TRAVELS FAST.

I HAVE DETERMINED THAT DUMB PEOPLE ARE THE CAUSE OF ALL OUR PROBLEMS. THUS, I AM SHOOTING THEM WITH THIS TRANQUILIZER GUN AND TAGGING THEM.
WHAT WILL THAT DO?
WELL, SEE, THE PROBLEM IS NOT THAT THERE ARE DUMB PEOPLE… IT'S THAT WE DON'T ALWAYS KNOW WHO THEY ARE. BUT ONCE THEY'RE TAGGED, YOU KNOW, AND YOU CAN AVOID THEM.
HOW WILL YOU MARK THEM?
…AND WHEN I WOKE UP, I WAS WEARING THIS GREAT, NEW "I LOVE YANNI" T-SHIRT!
ME, TOO!
ME, TOO!

I WISH THIS ACTOR WOULD MAKE MORE MOVIES.
HE CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
HE'S SIX FEET UNDER.
WE CAN'T ALL BE TALL.

THEY SAY THAT THE TEST FOR WHETHER YOU ARE LEADING A FULFILLING LIFE IS TO ASK YOURSELF: IF TODAY WERE THE LAST DAY OF YOUR LIFE, IS THIS WHAT YOU'D BE DOING?
THIS SURE ISN'T WHAT I'D BE DOING.
WHAT WOULD YOU BE DOING?
I'D BE CRYING.
NEVER MIND.

ARE YOU TWO WAITING FOR A TABLE?
YES... AND WE ONLY WANT THE BEST... SO HERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOUR TROUBLE.
...NEXT TIME, I'M KEEPING MY QUARTER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDER THE TABLE, PIG?
OH... JUST SPENDING TIME WITH THE COCKROACHES... THEY'RE MY FRIENDS.
COCKROACHES? WE HAVE COCKROACHES LOOSE IN OUR KITCHEN??
OH, NO, SILLY. THEY'RE NOT LOOSE. I GOT THEM A HOME.
YOU GOT THE ROACHES A HOME?
YEAH. THEY REALLY NEEDED A PLACE TO CALL THEIR OWN... SO I BOUGHT THEM ONE...
WHERE THE @#&% DO YOU BUY ACCOMMODATIONS FOR A COCKROACH?
AT THE GROCERY STORE... I SWEAR... I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER UNTIL I READ THE SIDE OF THE BOX... IT WAS IN BLACK AND WHITE...
"ROACH MOTEL."
... I THINK THEY'RE SLEEPING IN.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HE WENT TO THE SCAVENGER HUNT THAT PROFESSOR BOB PUT TOGETHER.
WHO'S PROFESSOR BOB?
HE'S THAT GUY WHO TEACHES PHILOSOPHY AT THE UNIVERSITY.
...I FOUND THE PAPER CLIP AND THE CROQUET MALLET, BUT I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH 'TRUTH' AND 'BEAUTY.'

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE COMICS RE-EDUCATION CAMP.
THEY KICKED ME OUT... THEY SAID I'LL NEVER LEARN HOW TO BE A NICE CARTOON CHARACTER.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT??... HOW EMBARRASSING... WERE YOU THE ONLY ONE ?
NO.
BUCKY KATT ROCKS!

IS RAT LEARNING TO BE ANY NICER AT THE COMICS RE-EDUCATION CAMP?
I THINK SO. TODAY THEY'RE GONNA EXPOSE HIM TO CARTOON FAMILIES WHO MAY HAVE GONE THROUGH A DIFFICULT EXPERIENCE AND SEE IF HE CAN AVOID MAKING AWKWARD COMMENTS...
LIKE WHAT?
CAN FARLEY COME OUT AND PLAY FRISBEE?

HOW'S RAT DOING AT COMICS RE-EDUCATION CAMP?
OKAY, TODAY EARL AND MOOCH ARE GOING TO TEACH HIM HOW TO BE KIND TO CARTOON CHARACTERS WHO MAY HAVE PHYSICAL DEFORMITIES.
HOW ARE THEY GONNA DO THAT?
WELL, THEY'LL EXPOSE HIM TO SUCH PEOPLE AND MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING INAPPROPRIATE.
DUDE, THAT SCHNOZZ IS OUT OF CONTROL.

I HEAR RATS BEEN SENT TO A COMICS RE-EDUCATION CAMP TO LEARN HOW TO BE A SWEET AND BELOVED COMIC STRIP ANIMAL.
YEAH... THEY HAVE EARL AND MOOCH TRAINING HIM.
THE "MUTTS" CHARACTERS? HE COULD NEVER LEARN TO BE THAT SWEET.
OHHH... I’M SURE HE’S DOING GREAT.
GIMME SOME SHLAM ANDI OR I’LL BREAK YOUR SHRINKING KNEES, YOU @#$#@$*@#$##

DID YOU HEAR RAT GOT A LETTER FROM THE NATIONAL CARTOONISTS SOCIETY CITING HIM FOR EXCESSIVE PROFANITY AND UNACCEPTABLY DARK HUMOR? HE'S BEEN SENT TO A COMICS RE-EDUCATION CAMP.
WHAT WILL THEY DO TO HIM THERE?
CERTIFIED COMIC COUNSELORS WILL TEACH HIM HOW TO BE A CUTE AND BELOVED COMIC STRIP ANIMAL.
HOW WILL THEY DO THAT?
YES!
GOSH!
YES!
GOSH!
YES!
GOSH!

OH. YES. HE'S WEARING A BEARS FAN HAT.
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH DR. TROPES. I NEED TO GET MY WISDOM TEETH REMOVED.
HAVE A SEAT... THE DOCTOR WILL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.
YOU MUST BE RAT.
YOU'RE DR. TROPES?
YES... WHY?... IS THERE A PROBLEM?
YOU'RE WEARING A CHICAGO BEARS JERSEY.
WELL, THAT'S NICE, BUT WE HAVE A POLICY AGAINST OPERATING ON YOU DRESSED IN A FOOTBALL JERSEY. DOESN'T INSPIRE CONFIDENCE. I LIKE MY DOCTORS IN NORMAL DOCTOR SHIRTS.
OH, GEE, I'M SORRY TO HEAR YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED BUT YOU KNOW... THERE'S ALWAYS DR. ANGELOS... HE WEARS REGULAR DOCTOR SCRUBS AND T-SHIRTS. HE'S NOT A BEARS FAN.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT. THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING.
OH, NO PROBLEM... I'LL SEND DR. ANGELOS RIGHT OUT.
YOU MUST BE RAT.

WHY IS EVERYONE IN CHINA SO ANGRY?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT NOW, YOU STUPID PIG?
PICK UP ANYTHING YOU SEE AND TURN IT OVER... IT'LL TELL YOU... THEY'RE MAD IN CHINA.
...HE'D FIT RIGHT IN.

WE'RE DOOMED, RAT. THESE ELECTRONICS SALESMEN WILL NEVER LEAVE US ALONE.
YES, THEY WILL. YOU JUST NEED TO USE THE RIGHT APPROACH...
GENTLEMEN... I HAVE A PRODUCT UNDER WARRANTY THAT NEEDS TO GET SERVICED.
...I THINK THEY TRAMPLED THE SHORT ONE.

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET ANY SLEEP SURROUNDED BY ELECTRONICS SALESMEN?
WE'LL JUST HAVE TO TELL 'EM A BEDTIME STORY AND HOPE THEY DOZE OFF.
WHAT KIND OF STORY SHOULD WE TELL THEM?
I'LL GIVE 'EM A SPOOKY STORY. I KNOW KIDS LOVE THAT.
AND SOON, THE WHOLE WORLD KNEW... THE EXTENDED WARRANTY WAS A BIG, FAT RIP-OFF...
OOOOOH.
AHHH.
NO!
GAH!
STOP!
GRR!

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, RAT... WE'RE TRAPPED IN A MOB OF ELECTRONICS SALESMEN.
NEED SOME ASTOUNDING DEALS?
HOW 'BOUT TONIGHT?
RELAX, PIG... I'M SURE WE'LL BE OUT OF THIS IN NO TIME.
I HOPE SO, BECAUSE TOMORROW IS MY UNCLE'S FUNERAL AND I'M NOT BRINGING A DOZEN ELECTRONICS SALESMEN.
ASK ABOUT OUR STREAMING STICKS!
JUST LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.
OKAY... WHICH ONE OF YOU TUCKED HIS BUSINESS CARD IN THE CASKET?
BIG SALE ON DUSTS.
CAN'T YOU DIE?

WHAT DO WE DO, RAT? WE'RE STUCK IN A MOB OF ELECTRONICS SALESMEN.
WELL, DON'T BUY ANYTHING, PIG. IT ONLY ENCOURAGES THEM.
BUT I HAVE A DATE WITH PIGITA TONIGHT.
JUST STAY CALM. I'M SURE THAT IN A FEW MORE MINUTES, THEY'LL GET TIRED AND GO HOME.
LOOKING FOR SOMEONE?
HI!
BIG SALE ON CAMCORDERS!
HONEY...
I'M GUESSING I WON'T GET LUCKY TONIGHT.
HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING?
HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING?
HELP! HELP!
THIS WAY!
HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING?

WHO ARE ALL YOU GUYS?
PIG? IT'S ME, RAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?
WELL, I WENT TO ONE OF THOSE ELECTRONICS STORES WHERE ALL THE COMMISSIONED SALES GUYS SWARM YOU, BUT WHEN I LEFT, THESE GUYS JUST STUCK TO ME.
MAY I HELP YOU, SIR?
WE'RE HAVING A BIG SALE ON DVDS.
WELL, MAYBE IF WE JUST BOUGHT SOMETHING, THEY'D -
MULTIPLY.
THEY'RE LIKE PIGEONS, DUDE.

The Adventures of Angry Bob
Angry Bob was sad.
"Bob, what is wrong," said the clown.
"I want to be happy. I will train myself to be happy."
Bob organized the "Food for Joy" seminar and handed out fliers which gave everyone kazoos and asked them to parade near the pandas and shout "foot for joy."
Even Bob signed up a sponsor, the global fast food chains, Mickey Donald's.
On the rain day of the parade, the kazoos fell apart. They had come from China.
Except Bob, who stood in the middle of the street, with his kazoo, and a shirt that said, "Toot for Joy... Brought to You by Mickey Donald's."
"I will not be stopped," thought Bob. "I will toot for joy alone."
So Bob began to march, and his face began to turn red, he began shouting "I will be happy," over and over again, until he dropped his kazoo and grabbed the barbed wire of a huge American global chain in the biggest anti-global brand plutocrat protest the planet had ever seen.
And there was Bob, with kazoos in his faces.
His Mickey Donald's shirt.
Enraged, the mob attacked Bob. With each blow upon his person, Bob yelled, "I must be happy," until he fell unconscious, involuntarily blowing the kazoo and tooting for joy.
Many-toots-for-joy later, Bob died.
H

LOOK AT PIG JUST STARING INTO SPACE... WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHAT HE THINKS ABOUT?
...AND IF I WAS A GIANT CORNDOG WATCHING T.V., I'D NEVER HAVE TO WALK TO THE KITCHEN FOR A SNACK
NO.
CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP!

THE TAX AUDIT, DAY FIVE
...SIR, YOU'VE CLAIMED ALL THESE BUSINESS LOSSES, BUT YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A BUSINESS.
THAT'S NOT TRUE. I INVENTED THIS INVISIBLE NECKTIE.
SIR, THAT NECKTIE IS TOTALLY VISIBLE.
IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT.