Pearls Before Swine | Search

SIR, YOU'VE CLAIMED TWO DEPENDENTS, BUT YOU HAVEN'T IDENTIFIED EITHER OF THEM.
FINE. BOOZE AND NICOTINE.
SIR, THOSE ARE "DEPENDENCIES," NOT DEPENDENTS. DEPENDENTS ARE USUALLY CHILDREN.
OKAY, THEN... THOSE ARE MY CHILDREN. WE'VE GIVEN THEM NICKNAMES.
...IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, ASK MY WIFE, METHAMPHETAMINE.

THE TAX AUDIT, DAY THREE
SIR, YOU'VE DEDUCTED FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR BUSINESS TRAVEL.
YES. I HAVE TO TRAVEL A LOT.
...WELL, GIVEN THAT YOU DON'T OWN A CAR AND YOU HAVE NO TRAVEL RECEIPTS, CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'VE DEDUCTED HERE?
IF YOU MUST KNOW, I DEDUCTED MY FEET. I HAVE TWO OF THEM.
...THAT THIRD FOOT WAS MY ACCOUNTANT'S IDEA.

THE TAX AUDIT, DAY TWO
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE DEDUCTED YOUR HOUSE PAYMENTS AS A BUSINESS EXPENSE.
I KNOW.
SIR, YOU DON'T OWN A BUSINESS AND YOU DON'T OWN A HOME...
THE TAX CODE IS VERY CONFUSING.

WHERE IS RAT TODAY?
AT THE I.R.S. OFFICE. HE’S BEING AUDITED.
AUDITED? WITH HIS ARROGANCE, HE’LL GET THROWN RIGHT IN THE CAN.
OHH...I’M SURE HE’S SMARTER THAN THAT...
...AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAY, “ONLY THE LITTLE PEOPLE PAY TAXES”?

HEEEY, PIG...I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED STEVE MARTIN!!
STEVE WHO?
MARTIN.
HMMM...ANY RELATION TO MARTIN FIGOUZZI, THE NEIGHBOR BEHIND OUR HOUSE WHO'S TRYING TO OVERCOME HIS CAFFEINE ADDICTION SO HE CAN JOIN THE U.S. OLYMPIC ARCHERY TEAM?
I DON'T THINK SO.
GOOD...THAT GUY GIVES ME A HEADACHE...
HEEEY, PIG...I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED STEVE MARTIN!!

I JUST GOT A "MAGIC EIGHT BALL" SO I CAN TELL THE FUTURE. ASK ME A YES OR NO QUESTION.
OKAY...I'VE GOT ONE...
......YES?
NO!
NO?
...YOUR FUTURE IS NOT BRIGHT.
I GUESSED THAT!

HELLO, GOAT. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
WELL, I THINK I'M VALUABLE TO THIS COMIC STRIP AND I'D LIKE YOU TO DOUBLE MY SALARY.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT...I CAN CUT OUT HALF THE LINES USED TO COMPOSE YOU AND KEEP YOUR SALARY WHERE IT IS. YOU'LL BE MAKING THE SAME MONEY FOR HALF THE WORK, EFFECTIVELY DOUBLING YOUR SALARY.
DON'T ASK.

DEAR MR. LION,
EATING ANOTHER LIVING CREATURE IS AN IGNOBLE, BARBARIC ACT.
WHEN YOU EAT A ZEBRA, IT MAKES YOU LESS OF A LION.
THEN WHY AM I SO DARN FAT?

Dear Dairy,
Today I
YOU DUMB PIG.
IT'S SPELLED "D-I-A-R-Y."
OH... I DIDN'T KNOW.
Dear Diary,
Today I got some bad
milk. Please send a refund.

WHAT'S WITH ALL THAT NOISE THAT'S BEEN COMING FROM THE COWS' HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET?
RAT'S HOUSESITTING FOR THEM WHILE THEY'RE OUT OF TOWN, SO HE THOUGHT HE'D TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SITUATION BY THROWING A BIG PARTY.
HOW LONG'S IT S'POSED TO LAST?
'TIL THE COWS COME HOME.

WOW, RAT... WHAT'S THAT BOOK?
IT'S MY GIANT BOOK O' PHONIES, IT'S WHERE I KEEP THE NAMES OF EVERYONE WHO'S A NO-GOOD LYING WEASEL.
GEE, THAT'S A LOT OF NAMES. WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE LIST OF HONEST GUYS?
THE STICKY NOTE O' GOODNESS.

GEE, IVONA... THIS IS A GREAT FIRST DATE... WILL YOU MARRY ME?
WHAT?
UH... COULD YOU EXCUSE ME? I NEED TO USE THE RESTROOM.
OKAY, ####... WHY'D YOU HATE?
WRITE WHAT?
DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME, PASTIS. I'M GOING BACK OUT TO THAT PANEL, AND WHEN I DO, I EXPECT TO BE IN A QUIET, LITTLE DATE SCENE OR I'M CALLING THE EDITOR/FEATURES EDITOR AND HAVING THEM REPLACE THIS GAG STRIP WITH "HAGAR THE HORRIBLE"!!
I DON'T GET IT.

PIGITA DYED MY NEW LAMP BLUE. IT LOOKS REALLY BAD.
TELL HER... SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF... YOU CAN'T LET YOUR GIRLFRIEND WALK ALL OVER YOU.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?... GET MAD AT HER?
OF COURSE! RAGE! RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT!!
...THIS STRIP NEEDS HELP... SERIOUSLY.

THEY FINALLY FIRED THE GUY AT THE PHOTO PLACE AND REPLACED HIM WITH SOMEONE NEW.
GOOD. IT’LL BE NICE TO TAKE YOUR PHOTOS TO SOMEONE PROFESSIONAL WHO DOESN’T LOOK THROUGH THEM AND MAKE RUDE COMMENTS ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL LIFE.
YOUR HUSBAND IS ONE FAT MOTHER.

HI...I'M HERE TO PICK UP MY PHOTOS.
YEAH, WELL YOU'RE NOT GETTING THEM.
WHAT? WHY NOT?
BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME VERY UGLY FRIENDS...AND IF I GIVE THESE TO YOU, I'LL FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR SPREADING THE UGLINESS. PLEASE... EITHER MAKE SOME ATTRACTIVE FRIENDS OR STOP TAKING PHOTOS.
DID YOU GET BACK OUR VACATION PHOTOS?

HI...I'M HERE TO PICK UP MY PHOTOS.
HERE YOU GO...I NOTE THAT MOST OF THE SHOTS ARE SCENIC VISTAS.
NOT ONE OF THEM HAS PEOPLE POSING AND SMILING.
THIS TELLS ME YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS.
WHAT ARE YOU, THE UNABUMMER?
THAT DOES IT. YOU'VE INSULTED EVERYONE LONG ENOUGH.
I'M GONNA GATHER COMPLAINT LETTERS FROM ALL YOUR CUSTOMERS AND SEND THEM TO YOUR BOSS.
NICE TRY, BUT WE WON'T BE OPENING YOUR PACKAGES.

HI... I’M HERE TO PICK UP MY PHOTOS.
HERE YOU GO.
I NOTICED THAT IN A LOT OF THEM, YOUR GIRLFRIEND LOOKS A LITTLE BORED, LIKE SHE’S LOST INTEREST IN YOU. WHEN ONE COMPARES THESE SHOTS TO THE ONES YOU TOOK OF HER SMILING AT THE BEACH LAST SUMMER, IT BECOMES FAIRLY OBVIOUS: YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS STEADILY DETERIORATING.
WE NEED A NEW PHOTO PLACE.

HEY, CHICKEN, HOW GOES IT?
BAD. FARMER JAKE IS KEEPING US IN SQUALOR, WHILE HE PARADES AROUND IN THIS TWO-DOOR SPORTS CAR.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
ALL OF THE CHICKENS ARE GOING TO RISE UP, KILL JAKE, AND CLAIM HIS CAR IN THE NAME OF THE REVOLUTION.
A COUP BY THE COOP FOR THE COUPÉ?
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?
MY IMAGINARY FLYING FRIEND, JIMMY. JIMMY'S FLIGHT IS POWERED BY THE GOODWILL EXHIBITED BY OTHERS.
DUDE, THAT'S LAME.
PUTT...PUTT...PUTT...
MAYDAY! MAYDAY!
SPLAT!
...HERE'S A SHOEBOX.

THIS PACKAGE GOT SENT BACK TO ME.
WHAT'S IN IT?
A WHOLE BUNCH OF RARE STAMPS I'M SELLING TO A COLLECTOR.
WHY DIDN'T THEY DELIVER IT?
I FORGOT THE POSTAGE.

YEAH, PAL... WHAT CAN I GET YOU TO DRINK?
SHHH... I'M WAITING FOR THE GHOSTS.
WEREN'T YOU HERE LAST NIGHT? AND THE NIGHT BEFORE THAT?
YES... GOD GHOST HUNTERS ARE VEEERY PATIENT.
... FOR THE LAST TIME, MARTY, TAKE "SPIRITS" OFF THE SIGN.

THIS VACATION WAS A GOOD IDEA, PIGITA... WE REALLY NEEDED IT.
...WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?" (Query)
Def: To marital fights what "gentlemen start your engines" is to auto racing.
Proper Resp: None. Run like the wind.
... I ASKED YOU A QUESTION.

The monkey wept.
WHAT THE HECK KIND OF OPENING IS THAT?!? FIRST, YOU NEED TO SPEND SOME TIME SETTING THE SCENE AND INTRODUCING THE CHARACTERS.
"Oprah's on," said Fred the monkey.

I HEAR YOU VOL-UNTEERED AT THE MONASTERY'S FOOD FESTIVAL TODAY.
YEAH. I COOKED THE FRIED CHICKEN, BUT I GOT GREASE ON MY PANTS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
WHEN I WENT TO CHANGE THEM, I TRIPPED AND FELL ON ONE OF THE MONKS.
SO IT WENT FROM BAD TO WORSE?
FROM OUT OF THE FRYING PANTS INTO THE FRIAR.

I WANT TO RETURN THIS C.D... THE MUSIC IS TERRIBLE.
SORRY...WE ONLY GIVE REFUNDS IF THE C.D. IS DEFECTIVE.
WHAM
HOW'S THAT?