Pearls Before Swine | Search

AND THEN SHE CUTS
IN FRONT OF ME, AND I
THINK, "WHAT DID I JUST
SAY?"
WHAT DID
YOU JUST
SAY?
LOOK FAMILIAR, FOLKS? YOU'RE ON
A DATE WHEN SUDDENLY, YOU SAY
THE WRONG THING... JUST ONCE LITTLE
SLIP AND YOU'VE GOT A
CATASTROPHE ON YOUR HANDS.
WELL, DO NOT FEAR,
BECAUSE NOW THERE'S
CHUMPY, THE ROBOTIC
DATING CLOWN!
WITH HIS ARRAY OF ZANY ANTICS, CHUMPY WILL
HAVE YOUR DATE FEELING GOOD AGAIN IN NO TIME.
SO SPEAK UP, CHUMPY STEPS IN
TO DISTRACT YOUR DATE, BUYING YOU
CRITICAL TIME TO GET BACK ON YOUR FEET.
AS YOUR DATE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY, YOU STEP
SEAMLESSLY BACK INTO THE SCENE, YOUR
CRISIS JUST NOW A DISTANT MEMORY.
YOU SURE
LOOK
LOVELY
TONIGHT.
YOUR PLACE
OR MINE?
ORDER
CHUMPY
TODAY!

LISTEN, PIG. IF WE'RE STUCK WITH HO CHI MINH, WE MIGHT AS WELL CASH IN.
CASH IN HOW?
LET'S TAKE HIM TO THE MALL AND EXPLOIT HIM.
HOW ARE WE GONNA DO THAT?
GO AHEAD, KID… TELL HO HO HO CHI MINH WHAT YOU WANT FOR NEXT CHRISTMAS.
PHOTOS $10.00

SO WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?
I PLAYED CHESS WITH HO CHI MINH. HE WON EIGHT STRAIGHT GAMES.
HE'S DEAD, PIG....
... I WASN'T REALLY TRYING.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU TODAY?
RAT AND I TRIED TO BUY SOME RICE ON THE INTER-NET, BUT INSTEAD, SOME-ONE SENT US SOME GUY... ...HO CHI MINH.
WHAT? SPEAK ENGLISH.
OH, PIGITA... RAT AND I GOT A HO.
...YOU CAN'T TELL THAT GIRL ANYTHING...

DID YOU HEAR THE VIETNAMESE GOVERNMENT HAS LOST THE PRESERVED BODY OF HO CHI MINH?
LOST IT?
YEAH... THEY WERE HAVING IT TRANSPORTED FOR RESTORATION AND THERE WAS A SHIPPING MIX-UP.
BUT HE WAS THEIR FORMER LEADER. WHERE COULD HE BE?
THAT'S THE LAST TIME I BUY RICE ON "E-BAY."

ALRIGHT, GUYS... THROW IN YOUR ANTE.
TOSS
SMACK
I BETTER NOT LOSE... SHE'S MY MOM'S ONLY SISTER.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TELL YOU TODAY'S SPECIAL?
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME TODAY'S SPECIAL.
YOU KNOW TODAY'S SPECIAL?
OH, I THINK JUST ABOUT EVERY DAY IS SPECIAL.
I THINK I SHOULD THROW YOU DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
OHH... NOT TODAY... IT'S SPECIAL.

DEAR MISTER LION,
I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU HUNT AND EAT ZEBRAS. BUT EVEN WORSE IS THE FACT THAT YOU DO IT WITH IMPUNITY.
DEAR ZEBRA,
I DO NOT HUNT WITH IMPUNITY.
I HUNT WITH LARRY.
P.S. YOU'D LIKE LARRY.
HE'S GOOD PEOPLE.
SIGH.........

WHAT'S WITH THE BROKEN LINE AROUND THE STRIP TODAY?
PASTIS SAYS IT'S TO HELP PEOPLE THAT MAY WANT TO CUT THE STRIP OUT OF THE PAPER.
WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
IN CASE WE'RE REALLY FUNNY TODAY AND THEY WANT TO PUT US ON THEIR REFRIGERATOR OR SOMETHING.
...THAT SILENCE YOU HEAR IS FOUR MILLION PAIRS OF SCISSORS NOT MOVING.

HEY... WHERE'S OUR T.V.?
GONE... WE WERE ROBBED.
ROBBED?... BUT HOW DID THEY GET IN?
THIRD PANEL.
WE GOTTA GET THAT FIXED.

HEY, WHERE ARE OUR PANELS TODAY?
PASTIS TOOK THEM TO GET WASHED, SO I'M JUST PASSING TIME IN FRONT OF THE T.V.
BUT THERE'S NO PICTURE.
I KNOW... SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG WITH THE T.V.
HERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.

GOOD MORNING, PIG-- WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO OUR PLACE??
IT'S NEWSPRINT. IT'S FROM THE PAGE DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM US.
MAN, I HATE LIVING IN THE FUNNIES.

I'M TRYING TO WRITE A CHECK, BUT I DON'T KNOW THE DATE.
HANG ON... I'LL GET THE LADDER...
THE NINTH.

SMACK
WHAT WAS THAT??
THE PAPERBOY JUST TOSSED US ON THE PORCH.
MAN, I HATE LIVING IN A NEWSPAPER.

I THINK THAT BEFORE WE'RE BORN, WE'RE IN SOME KIND OF PARADISE.
THEN WE'RE DROPPED DOWN HERE TO LIVE. BUT WE'RE USED TO PARADISE, SO THIS PLACE IS VERY PAINFUL.
TO EASE THE PAIN, WE'RE GIVEN TWO THINGS: MUSIC AND HUMOR. BUT OTHER THAN THAT, WE'RE ON OUR OWN.
ON OUR OWN... TO DEAL WITH THE LONELINESS AND THE TRAGEDY AND THE STUPIDITY.
YOU LEFT OUT CORNDOGS.
CORNDOGS?
CORN DOGS EASE THE PAIN.
... I COULD USE A CORNDOG.

HOW MUCH?
FOR WHAT?
THE GARAGE.
IT'S NOT FOR SALE.
GOT SOMETHING AGAINST PIGS?

... AND WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU TWO, TONIGHT?
I'D LIKE YOUR LOBSTER SPECIAL.
AND I'LL TAKE YOUR SOLE.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHH
MAYBE YOU SHOULD ORDER SOMETHING ELSE.

HI, STUTTERING BOB. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'VE SEEN MY BUDDY SATAN… HE'S LOOKING TO BUY A TUX AND I TOLD HIM YOU WERE THE BEST TAILOR IN TOWN.
HI, RAT… DA DA DEVIL IS IN DA DA DRESSING ROOM TRYING ON DA DIFFERENT STYLES.
WHICH ONES HE TRYING ON NOW?
DA DA DEVIL IS IN DA DA TAILS.

WOW, PIG... THANKS FOR MAKING SUCH A GREAT DINNER... LET'S DIG IN.
WAIT A MINUTE, RAT... WE HAVE A GUEST TONIGHT... MAYBE HE'D LIKE TO SAY GRACE FIRST.
THAT'S OKAY.

SO WHAT REMODELING WORK ARE YOU DOING BACK HOME?
WE'RE PAVING THE MAIN ROAD WITH THIS SPECIAL ASPHALT MADE BY THOMAS GOOD AND THE CHIN BROTHERS.
WHO ARE THEY?
GOOD'S AN ASPHALT SPECIALIST AND THE CHINS ARE THESE TEN BROTHERS... TOGETHER THEY DESIGNED A SPECIAL ASPHALT THEY NAMED AFTER THEMSELVES.
SO THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH...
...GOOD AND TEN CHIN'S.

PIG, THIS IS MY OLD FRIEND, SATAN... HE'S GONNA STAY WITH US FOR A FEW DAYS.
STAY WITH US?... WHY?
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND... I'M HAVING MY PLACE REMODELED.
WHY ARE YOU RE-MODELING?
IT LOOKS LIKE HELL.

THE GREAT
AMERICAN NOVEL
BY Rat
The sea was filled with angry monkeys.
THAT IS THE DUMBEST OPENING LINE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A NOVEL...
IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE AND LACKS ANY SORT OF CONTEXT.
"Kaboom," went the coastal monkey factory.

WHAT HAPPENED? WHY AM I IN THE HOSPITAL?
YOU GOT BANGED UP JUMPING OFF THE ROOF.
BUT HOW COULD THAT HAPPEN?! I WAS A BUTTERFLY. BUTTERFLIES CAN FLY.
DUDE... YOU RAN SMACK INTO THE...
...MOON.
WOW... THE...
...
GET SOME SLEEP, YOU DUMB PIG.

...SO THAT DUMB PIG IS DRESSED LIKE A CATERPILLAR, AND EVERY MORNING, HE GETS UP, RUNS TO THE MIRROR, AND CHECKS FOR BUTTERFLY WINGS.
HOW SAD.
YEAH. IT GOT SO PATHETIC THAT LAST NIGHT I TAPED LITTLE PAPER WINGS TO HIS BACK.
WOW. THAT'S THE FIRST KIND THING YOU'VE EVER DONE FOR THAT PIG.
I CAN FLY!

Dear Diary,
I am still a caterpillar... I am beginning to think I will never become a butterfly.
Rat says this makes me a "self-loathing" caterpillar, which he says is no different than a "self-loathing pig. But that's not true...
...I have more legs.