Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear Diary,
Today I asked Zebra to check my back for butterfly wings. He did not find any.
He did, however, find a sticky note that said, "Kick me"
It's a start.

Dear Diary,
Today was my first day as a caterpillar...Unfortunately, I did not become a butterfly.
I was, however, picked up by a crow, who dropped me into her nest, snapping the branch, flattening the nest and squashing all of her once-happy family.
Sometimes it pays to be fat.

Dear Diary,
Sometimes it is so depressing to be me. But I think there is hope, because today I learned that ugly caterpillars become beautiful butterflies.
God helps those who help themselves.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE ON THE CURB?
I'M WAITING FOR HAPPINESS TO FIND ME.
YOU STUPID PIG... WHAT DO YOU THINK-- THAT THERE'S SOME SMILING GUY WITH A FLAG THAT SAYS 'MR. HAPPINESS' WHO'S GONNA WHIZ BY ON HIS SCOOTER AND HAND OUT HAPPINESS TO ANYONE HE SEES??
WELL, UH... HEE HEE... WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, I GUESS IT DOES SOUND SORTA DUMB.
YOU BET IT'S DUMB. NOW GET INSIDE BEFORE YOU EMBARRASS US IN FRONT OF THE NEIGHBORS.
OKAY.

GOAT SAYS YOU'RE A FOLK SINGER FOR THE FAR RIGHT.
YES... THIS NEXT SONG RIPS ALL THOSE ENVIRON-MENTAL NUTBALLS WHO THINK OIL SPILLS ARE BAD.
YOUR SONG IS "PRO-OIL SPILL"?
YEAH... IT'S CALLED "MAYBE YOUR DUCKY LIKES SWIMMING IN MUCKY."
... MAKES YOU THINK, DON'T IT?

I CAN'T
BELIEVE YOU'RE
A FOLK SINGER
FOR THE FAR
RIGHT.
WELL, THAT SHOWS
HOW DUMB YOU
ARE, BECAUSE
IT'S A TOTALLY
UNTAPPED MARKET.
THIS NEXT SONG'S CALLED,
"IF YOU'RE NOT WHITE,
AND YOU TALK FUNNY,
WE'LL DROP BOMBS
RIGHT ON YOUR BUNNY."
BUNNY?
"CAMEL"
DIDN'T
RHYME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, RAT?
I'M JOHNNY-ON-TOP, FOLK SINGER FOR THE FAR RIGHT.
THE FAR RIGHT?
YES. FOLK SINGERS ARE ALWAYS LIBERAL PANSIES, BUT NOT ME... I SING FOR MY FELLOW CONSERVATIVES.
...CARE TO HEAR, "SHOOT THE HIPPIE OUT OF THE REDWOOD TREE"?

I HEAR YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS HAVE DIVIDED THE WATERING HOLE INTO CHOMPING AND NON-CHOMPING SECTIONS.
YEAH... THE CROCS CAN ONLY EAT YOU IN THE CHOMPING SECTION. BUT THE DIVISION'S FAR FROM PERFECT.
HOW SO?
...OKAY, WE'VE ABOUT HAD IT WITH THE SECOND-HAND CHOMPING.

I HEAR YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS DIVIDED THE WATERING HOLE INTO CHOMPING AND NON-CHOMPING SECTIONS.
YEAH... IF THE CROCS WANT TO EAT A ZEBRA, THEY HAVE TO PICK ONE SITTING IN THE CHOMPING SECTION.
BUT WHY WOULD ANY ZEBRA EVER SIT IN THE CHOMPING SECTION?
...SO MY SON-IN-LAW SAYS, "GO THERE, MA... THE WATER IS GREAT... BUT MAKE SURE YOU GET A TABLE IN THE BACK, WHERE IT'S NICE AND QUIET" ... SO I DO... AND IT BETTER BE GOOD.

I HEAR YOUR FELLOWS ZEBRAS ARE TRYING TO MAKE THE WATERING HOLE SAFER.
YEAH. THEY GOT THE CROCODILES TO DIVIDE IT INTO TWO SECTIONS: "CHOMPING" AND "NON-CHOMPING."
THE CROCODILES CAN ONLY EAT YOU IN THE CHOMPING SECTION. SO IF YOU WANT TO ENJOY THE WATERING HOLE IN PEACE, YOU JUST PICK THE NON-CHOMPING SECTION.
AND HOW'S IT GOING?
I'M SORRY. THAT SECTION IS FULL. BUT WE'VE GOT A LOVELY TABLE ACROSS THE ROOM.

HEY, BILLY KAHN, HOW'S YOUR CONSTRUCTION BUSINESS COMING ALONG?
NOT GOOD. I THINK I NEED TO DO SOME PROMOTIONAL STUFF.
HOW SO?
WELL, JUST TODAY, I'M WALKING PAST THIS OTHER COMPANY'S CONSTRUCTION SITE AND THIS BIG SIGN OUT FRONT THAT SAYS 'THIS IS A WEATHERSTIPS JOB!'
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
THEY'RE MY BIGGEST COMPETITOR, AND THEY'RE GIVING THEMSELVES ALL THIS FREE PUBLICITY.
WHY DON'T YOU MAKE YOUR OWN SIGN, THEN?
YEAH, BUT I DON'T WANT TO JUST COPY THEM
I GOT IT... I CAN STAND OUTSIDE ONE OF YOUR CONSTRUCTION SITES AND ANNOUNCE THE SAME THING WITH A MEGAPHONE.
OKAY. IT'S WORTH A TRY.
SIX WEEKS LATER...
I DON'T GET IT, BILLY. WE HAVE NO PROJECTS LINED UP AFTER THIS.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT EITHER, FRED.
THIS IS A KAHN JOB! THIS IS A KAHN JOB! THIS IS A KAHN JOB!

LISTEN, YOU. YOU SAY A WORD ABOUT ME AND LUIGI'S PLAN TO KILL VINNIE AND IT'S CURTAINS FOR YOU.
HEY, THE GUYS OVER THERE ARE GONNA KILL SOME MAN NAMED VINNIE.
...I'D LIKE THEM IN MAUVE, PLEASE.

LISTEN, LUIGI, THE BOSS SAYS WE GOTS TO KILL VINNIE TODAY.
WHAT FOR?
'CAUSE IF WE DON'T, HE'S GONNA RUN TO THE COPS AND SING LIKE A CANARY.
WHAT A WASTE OF A BEAUTIFUL VOICE.

WHAT DID YOU WRITE ON YOUR HAT?
IT'S MY EMPATHY HAT... IT SAYS, "THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE."
WHY ARE YOU WEARING IT?
BECAUSE GIRLS LIKE EMPATHY... AND I'M NO GOOD AT EMPATHY. SO NOW, WHEN YOU'RE DONE COMPLAINING ABOUT SOMETHING, YOU CAN JUST READ THE HAT.
SHE HAS ISSUES.

... THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE.
WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT AFTER EVERYTHING I SAY ?
BECAUSE I HEARD THAT GIRLS LIKE EMPATHY. SO I'M SHOWING EMPATHY.
THAT'S NOT EMPATHY. YOU'RE JUST SAYING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER.
... THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE.

HAPPY ONE-MONTH ANNIVERSARY, RAT.
WOW... A BASEBALL AUTOGRAPHED BY SANDY KOUFAX... HOW'D YOU KNOW HE WAS MY FAVORITE PLAYER?
BECAUSE YOU MENTIONED IT ONCE IN A CONVERSATION. I TRY TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU LIKE. THEN, ON THE NEXT SPECIAL OCCASION, I GO TO GREAT LENGTHS TO GET IT FOR YOU. THAT'S HOW I SHOW I CARE ABOUT YOU.
...DO YOU STILL WANT YOUR "DENNY'S" GIFT CERTIFICATE?

I HEAR YOU'RE DATING CINDY AGAIN.
YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT GOING WELL... SHE SAYS I'M NOT THOUGHTFUL ENOUGH.
YOU KNOW WHAT WOMEN LIKE? LITTLE NOTES. JUST LEAVE THEM AROUND HER HOUSE. IT SHOWS YOU'RE THINKING OF HER.
OUT OF CLEAN SOCKS. PLEASE DO LAUNDRY.

WASN'T THAT FRED AND BETTY ROSE THAT JUST PASSED US?
I THINK SO.
THEN HANG ON...I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HI, FRED...HI, BETTY.
HI, PIG...HOW ARE YOU?
SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF
BYE.
YOU SHOULD ALWAYS STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES.

EXCUSE ME, LADY, BUT WHY ARE YOU KNOCKING ON THAT WATERMELON?
BECAUSE IF IT SOUNDS HOLLOW, YOU'VE GOT A GOOD WATERMELON.
I'VE GOT A GOOD HEAD.

KNOCK KNOCK
THEY MUST NOT BE HOME.

I HAVE HALF A MIND TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS STUPID WAITRESS.
ME, TOO.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A COMPLAINT.
I DON'T.
I JUST HAVE HALF A MIND.

PEARLS FAN MAIL…
JOEY R, FROM DURHAM, N.C., WRITES, “BILL WATTERSON, CREATOR OF ‘CALVIN AND HOBBES,’ COMPLAINED THAT COMICS WERE PRINTED TOO SMALL… WHAT SAY YOU?”
WELL, JOEY, UNLIKE ‘CALVIN AND HOBBES,’ WE HERE AT ‘PEARLS’ ARE DRAWN BY AN INCOMPETENT ARTIST.
THEREFORE, WE’RE ACTUALLY IN FAVOR OF SMALLER STRIPS, AS THE TINIER YOU PRINT US, THE LESS YOU CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US AND A WELL-DRAWN STRIP.
SEE?

Louis P., from San Marino, CA., writes, "HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT PIG LOOKS NOTHING LIKE A REAL PIG?"
YES, LOUIS, WE KNOW...PIG'S CUTE APPEARANCE IS THE RESULT OF TWO HOURS OF CARTOON PIG-MAKE-UP BEING APPLIED EVERY MORNING. THIS MAKE-UP TRANSFORMS HIM FROM AN ACTUAL, REAL-LIFE PIG TO THE CUDDLY CHARACTER YOU KNOW AND LOVE.
...MORNING, RAT...
MORNING, BUDDY.

HELLO, READERS... WE HERE AT "PEARLS" HAVE DECIDED TO ANSWER SOME OF THE MANY FAN LETTERS WE GET EVERY DAY HERE AT P.B.S., INC.
BUT BEFORE WE GET STARTED, I'D LIKE TO ADDRESS THOSE READERS WHO WILL SAY WE ARE RIPPING THIS GAG OFF FROM "DOONESBURY"
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHO ARE YOU?

EVERY TIME I LIE DOWN TO
GO TO SLEEP, I'M OVERWHELMED
BY WORRIES.

IT'S AS IF THERE ARE THESE WORRY
MOLECULES IN MY TOES JUST WAIT-
ING FOR ME TO GO HORIZONTAL, SO
THEY CAN BE FREED OF GRAVITY'S
WEIGHT AND DRIFT EFFORTLESSLY
TOWARD MY DEFENSELESS BRAIN.

WOW...I
DIDN'T KNOW
THAT'S WHAT
WAS HAPPENING.

I SAID, 'AS IF.'
I DIDN'T
MEAN IT
LITERALLY.

OH...
GEEEZ, DUDE...ARE
YOU TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS
TO THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN LITERAL AND
FIGURATIVE SPEECH?

NO NO NO...
OF COURSE NOT...I'M
JUST MAKING
CONVERSATION...

YEP
YEP
YEP.

GOOD.

GOOD.

GOOD.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZ