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I ADDED A NEW FISH TO THE TANK... HIS NAME IS “TRUE HAPPINESS.”
WHERE IS HE?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHY DON'T YOU KNOW?
“TRUE HAPPINESS” IS HARD TO FIND.

WHO'S THAT NEW FISH YOU ADDED?
THAT'S "GREED." HE MOVED INTO THE CASTLE.
BUT THAT CASTLE WAS ALREADY PACKED WITH FISH...HOW'D HE MAKE ROOM?
"DIGNITY" WENT RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW.

HOW ARE YOUR NEW FISH DOING?
NOT GOOD... I CAN'T FIND "HOPE" AND "DREAMS".
WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?
I DON'T KNOW...
... BUT "REALITY" IS FATTER THAN EVER.

LOOK AT MY NEW FISH.
WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?
WELL, THERE'S "HOPE" AND "TRUTH" AND "REALITY" AND "DREAMS" AND "DIGNITY" AND "LOVE" AND—
IS THAT "LOVE" OVER THERE?
...THAT'S "LUST"... THEY'RE HARD TO TELL APART.

WINSTON CHURCHILL SAID, A LIE GETS HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD BEFORE THE TRUTH HAS A CHANCE TO GET ITS PANTS ON.
SO LIES DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON PANTS IN THE MORNING?
NO, YOU DUMB PIG.
AND THEY DON'T SHOWER?
NO, YOU MORON.
AND THEY DON'T PUT ON DEODORANT?
NO! NO! LIES DON'T SHOWER OR PUT ON DEODORANT OR WEAR PANTS!!
THAT'S A DIRTY, STINKING, NAKED LIE.
...THE TRUTH HURTS...

WHEN THE WORLD ENDS, I WANT TO BE RIGHT THERE BESIDE YOU.
THAT MAY BE THE NICEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME.
YEAH... WITH THE MEAT ON YOUR BONES, THEY'RE BOUND TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

HEY, RAT. WHERE'S CONNIE?
I LEFT HER. I REALIZED THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER LET ANYONE CONTROL YOUR LIFE, NO MATTER HOW BADLY YOU WANT A GIRLFRIEND.
YEAH, IT'S STRANGE HOW A LITTLE LONELINESS CAN MAKE YOU SO SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE SLIGHTEST ATTENTION FROM AN ATTRACTIVE PERSON.
WELL, I THINK WE'VE ALL LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON.
GOSH… DO YOU REALLY THINK I COULD BE AN UNDERWEAR MODEL?

RAT JUST SENT ME THIS LETTER SAYING I'M NO LONGER HIS FRIEND.
YEAH... I GOT IT, TOO. I GUESS CONNIE'S CONTROLLING HIS CHOICE OF FRIENDS NOW.
WHAT? THIS IS TOTALLY OUT OF HAND... WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN ONE PERSON DICTATING ANOTHER PERSON'S CHOICE OF FRIENDS?
...C'MON, NOW... HUG YOUR NEW MOM.

HI, CONNIE... IT'S ME, RAT... I'M STILL AT THE DINER WITH GOAT.
DON'T YOU FIND IT HUMILIATING THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND MAKES YOU CHECK IN WITH HER THAT OFTEN?
OH, PLEASE. YOU'RE MAKING IT SOUND MUCH WORSE THAN IT IS.
HI, CONNIE... IT'S ME, RAT... I'M STILL AT THE DINER WITH GOAT.

IT SEEMS SO UNLIKE RAT TO DATE SOMEONE WHO'S A CONTROL FREAK.
YEAH, BUT HE SAYS SHE'S CUTE ENOUGH TO PUT UP WITH IT.
THAT SEEMS LIKE AN AWFULLY HIGH PRICE TO PAY.
OH, I'M SURE HE'LL SPEAK UP FOR HIMSELF IF IT GETS TOO OUT OF HAND.
IT HURTS WHEN YOU JERK IT LIKE THAT.

I HEAR RATS DATING SOMEONE NEW.
YEAH... THEY CALL HER "CONTROLLING CONNIE."
SO SHE'S ONE OF THOSE REAL CONTROL FREAKS?
OH, I DON'T THINK SHE'S THAT BAD...
YOUR LAST SNEEZE WAS NOT ON OUR SCHEDULE.

BEFORE WE BEGIN THE JOB INTERVIEW, I’D LIKE TO GET A COPY OF YOUR RÉSUMÉ, IF I COULD.
OF COURSE. HERE YOU GO.
THIS IS A COCKTAIL NAPKIN.
YES. I WAS OUT OF PAPER-BUT I SCRIBBLED IMPORTANT STUFF ON THE BACK THERE.
UNDER “EDUCATION,” YOU HAVE NOTHING.
WELL, TO BE HONEST, WHAT I LACK IN EDUCATION, I MAKE UP FOR IN EXPERIENCE.
BUT UNDER “EXPERIENCE,” YOU ALSO HAVE NOTHING.
WELL, THERE’S NOT A LOT OF ROOM TO WRITE ON A COCKTAIL NAPKIN.
SIR, DID YOU FILL OUT ANY OF THESE SECTIONS?
YES. I FILLED OUT THE “INTERESTS” SECTION.
YOU WROTE “ADULT ENTERTAINMENT”?
WELL, I WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SPECIFIC, BUT I RAN OUT OF CRAYON.
...AND THEN HE JUST STARTED CRYING.

I BOUGHT A CHAIR AT THE FURNITURE STORE.
WHY?
BECAUSE I NEED TO TEST ALL OF THE SMOKE ALARMS IN OUR HOUSE.
AND YOU STAND ON A CHAIR?
I SET FIRE TO IT.

Dear C.N.N.,
I like your news, but every now and
then this real deep voice
comes on and says, "THIS..IS
C.N.N!" This raises an obvious
question.
...Why is Darth Vader
doing your promos?
P.S. Please buy some
pants for
Mr. King.

Dear Larry King,
Every time I watch your program, I notice they only show you from the waist up. This leads to an obvious conclusion.
...You're not wearing pants.
P.S. Somewhere a suspender salesman is laughing.

Dear Mr. Peter Jennings,
I have listened to you read this country's news for many years. Yesterday, I found out you are Canadian. This raises an obvious question.
Are you a spy?
P.S. Do not pat Mr. Koppel on the head.

Dear Ted Koppel,
Everyone says you wear a wig. Not me. I think it's a small, furry rodent.
I say this with some confidence because one night when you were doing a story on tobacco farming, a small pinkish hand poked out of your hair and waved hello.
p.s. Please give my regards.

Dear Dan Rather,
Everyone says you're a little nuts.
Not me.
I think you're special...
... like Kenny, the kid down
the block who got hit in
the head by a brick.
P.S. I think you'd
like Kenny.

- The brothers Zorro and Orro stabbed the soldier.
- Zorro made three quick slashes with his sword upon the wall, leaving his trademark "Z." Zorro hopped on his horse and fled.
- Orro made three quick slashes with his sword upon the wall, but it looked nothing like an "O."
- Frantically, Orro made more slashes, but it still looked nothing like an "O."
- Orro turned his face to the heavens and screamed, "Why are O's so @*$&%#$* hard?!" A group of soldiers shot Orro dead.
- Approaching the scene, the soldiers quickly recognized the dreaded mark of Zorro, but were baffled by Orro's "O."
- "Why did this man draw a triangle?" asked the first soldier. "I think it's a star," said the second.
"It's an illegible mess," declared the captain. "Shoot him again for bad penmanship." They shot Orro again.

CABLE'S OUT AGAIN... YOU BETTER CALL THEM.
AWWW... YOUR WITTLE CABLE WABLE JUST WENT POOPSIE WOOPSIE?... WELL, HAVE YOU TRIED...
STICKING IT IN YOUR EAR??!
THEIR CUSTOMER SERVICE IS REALLY IMPROVING.

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY HAD TO DELAY SOME PRISONER'S EXECUTION YESTERDAY.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE THEY WERE GOING TO HANG HIM, BUT SOMEONE FORGOT TO BRING THE ROPE.
WELL, I GUESS NO NOOSE IS GOOD NEWS.
...HE MUST BE PRO-DEATH.

MY ZEBRA HERD HAS CONCLUDED THAT EVERYONE HATES MIMES AND WANTS TO GET RID OF THEM, SO WE'RE GONNA TAKE THOSE UNWANTED MIMES AND STICK THEM ON THE PLAINS.
WHY?
BECAUSE WE THINK THAT ONCE THE LIONS SEE THOSE STRIPED SHIRTS, THEY'LL CHASE THEM INSTEAD OF US, AND THE REST OF SOCIETY WILL APPRECIATE OUR PUTTING THOSE MIMES TO GOOD USE.
... AFTER ALL, A MIME IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE.

THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS... THEY'RE PICKING TEAMS AND THEY'VE CHOSEN INANIMATE OBJECTS AND NOW DEAD PEOPLE OVER YOU.
SONNY BONO
LENNY BRUCE
POPE PIUS II
YEAH, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE RUN OUT OF DEAD PEOPLE, SO THEY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO PICK ME NOW....
CABERNET SAUVIGNON.
PINOT NOIR.
TYPES OF WINE... LET'S GO HOME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT... THEY'RE PICKING TEAMS AND CHOOSING INANIMATE OBJECTS BEFORE THEY PICK YOU.
YEAH, BUT THEY'RE RUNNING OUT... THEY'VE TAKEN ALL THE TREES, STREETLIGHTS AND FIRE HYDRANTS. I'VE GOT TO BE NEXT.
I'LL TAKE... GEORGE BURNS.
WE'LL TAKE LIBERACE.
WOW... DEAD PEOPLE.
NUTS. ARE THERE A LOT OF THEM?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO PLAY TOUCH FOOTBALL...THEY'RE PICKING TEAMS AND I'M THE LAST GUY LEFT.
WELL, AT LEAST IF YOU'RE THE LAST GUY, THEY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO PICK YOU NOW.
...I'LL TAKE THE TREE.
I'LL TAKE THE TELEPHONE POLE.
I'LL TAKE THE BUS HOME.