Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
IT'S A COPY OF A LETTER I JUST SENT TO PIGITA... I LIKE TO KEEP COPIES.
READ IT TO ME.
"DEAR PIGITA... SOME DAYS YOU ARE NICE TO ME. BUT SOME DAYS YOU ARE MEAN. I'D REALLY LIKE IT IF YOU COULD TRY AND BE MORE CONSISTENT... LOVE, PIG."
...THEN I FORGOT TO SAY SOMETHING SO I ADDED ONE OF THOSE LITTLE THINGS AT THE BOTTOM.
THAT'S CALLED A "P.S."
SO THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED... I COULDN'T REMEMBER EXACTLY... WELL, AT LEAST I CAME CLOSE.
I'M SURE SHE'LL KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT.
P.M.S. IS THAT A PROBLEM FOR YOU?

LOOK AT THIS GUY JUMPING THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY ON A MOTORCYCLE. . I GUESS HE DOESN'T HAVE MONEY FOR THE BRIDGE TOLL.
YOU DUMB PIG... HE'S A STUNTMAN. HE DOES JUMPS LIKE THIS FOR A LIVING.
THEN IT MUST NOT PAY VERY WELL.

I'M REALLY WORRIED... I CAN'T FIND FREDDY OR HIS WIFE ANYWHERE.
DIDN'T SHE SAY SHE WAS GONNA SMASH HIM TO GET THEIR MONEY AND RETIRE AT THE BEACH?
YES, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE THAT... I BELIEVE PEOPLE ARE GOOD AND THAT THEY HAVE GOOD MOTIVES AND THAT THEY LOVE EACH OTHER AND THAT LOVE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD....
...NOW THAT'S A MAI TAI.

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’D SACRIFICE ME JUST TO GET OUR RETIREMENT MONEY. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE YOUR GOLDEN YEARS WITHOUT ME?
BECAUSE I’VE NEVER LOVED YOU AND I GOT MARRIED TOO YOUNG AND I’VE ONLY STAYED WITH YOU OUT OF SHEER LAZINESS.
...AND HERE I THOUGHT IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH LEAVING THE TOILET SEAT UP.

LISTEN, SWEETHEART... I KNOW WE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE SAVING ALL OF OUR RETIREMENT MONEY IN ME, BUT I LOVE YOU AND I KNOW YOU LOVE ME.
...AND I KNOW THAT YOU WOULD NEVER SERIOUSLY CONSIDER SMASHING ME JUST FOR THE SAKE OF A FEW DOLLARS.
WHAT TIME'S YOUR NAP?

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT.. ALL OF OUR RETIREMENT SAVINGS IS IN ME, BUT TO GET IT OUT, I HAVE TO BE SMASHED.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO, HONEY? ALL OF OUR RETIREMENT PLANS - ALL OF OUR DREAMS - ARE RUINED.. AND WE HAD SUCH A WONDERFUL CRUISE PLANNED...
...AND YES, WITH THE EXTRA MONEY, I’D LIKE TO UPGRADE MY CABIN.

DO YOU SAVE ALL YOUR MONEY IN THAT PIGGY BANK?
I DON'T "SAVE" MONEY IN FREDO. I GIVE IT TO HIM, SO HE AND HIS WIFE CAN RETIRE IN COMFORT SOME DAY.
LISTEN, MORON, THE ONLY WAY TO GET MONEY OUT OF THAT STUPID BANK IS TO SMASH IT TO BITS WITH A HAMMER.
NICE KNOWING YOU.

DARLING! DARLING! WAKETH UP! WE HAVE BEEN ASLEEP FOR CENTURIES!
WHAT? WHAT HAS HAPPENETH?
ALAS, IT MUST HAVE BEEN ONE OF MERLIN'S SPELLS. BUT THIS IS NOT IMPORTANT. WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THAT MY JOUSTING RODS ARE LARGER NOW.
LARGER? THOU JESTETH!
NO, MY LADY, AND THEY HAVE END BRUTISH LANCE LIKE TIPS.
WHAT? WE SHALL JOUST, PERHAPS?
INDEED! TELL THE MINSTREL THEY ARE SUPERIOR TO IMPORTETH THIS INFORMATION TO MY SUBJECTS.
HOWETH CAMETH IT THAT THEY CANST BE THAT BIG?
I DO NOT KNOWETH... BUT ALAS, MOST IVER GOOD AS THY CASTLE FOR LACK OPENETH AND CLOSETH OF SUCH AS THOU POSSESSED BY A SPIRITED DEMON.
DEMONS?! AAAH! HUMANS? I CANNOT TAKE ANY MOREETH!!! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
CMON, DUDE. I DON'T MAKE THOSE LITTLE SOUNDS WHEN YOU FART.
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

RAT HAS A NEW PHILOSOPHY... IT'S CALLED "HOW-LOW-CAN-YOU-GO-OLOGY."
WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?
YOU SET YOUR EXPECTATIONS FOR LIFE REALLY LOW... THEN, WHEN THOSE EXPECTATIONS ARE EXCEEDED, YOU CAN BE HAPPY.
HOW LOW DO YOU SET THEM?
... NO NUCLEAR WAR!

I WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO WORRIES.
THEY HAVE A NAME FOR THOSE PEOPLE.
WHAT IS IT?
DEAD.
…THOSE LUCKY STIFFS.

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE, CINDY... I DON'T MEAN TO CHEAT... IT'S JUST THAT I'M A GUY... WE CAN'T CONTROL IT... WE'RE LIKE MONKEYS.
...AND THANK YOU, HELEN, FOR FIFTY WONDERFUL YEARS. YOU'RE AS LOVELY AS THE DAY I FIRST MET YOU.
THAT'S A POOR EXCUSE FOR A MONKEY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CHEATED ON ME RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR DATE.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME, CINDY. IT WAS A TERRIBLE MISTAKE. SHE MEANT NOTHING TO ME. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

LISTEN, CINDY, I KNOW WE JUST STARTED DATING, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT BEING FAITHFUL IS HARD FOR ME.
HOW HARD?
PRETTY HARD.

WE'RE OUT OF LIGHT BULBS.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? THE STORES ARE CLOSED TODAY.
I HAVE AN IDEA!
SOMETIMES IT PAYS TO BE A CARTOON CHARACTER.

I SEE YOU'RE READING A BOOK ON THE PRESIDENTS.
YES ... I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET ... I'M ASHLEY STEARNS SIMPSON.
NICE TO MEET YOU, ASHLEY ... I'M PIG. GEE, I SURE FIND THOSE PRESIDENTS INTERESTING.
OH, YEAH? HOW SO?
WELL, I THINK IT'S NEAT HOW SOME OF THEM ARE JUST KNOWN BY THEIR INITIALS.
YOU MEAN LIKE "FDR" OR "JFK"?
YEAH. I MEAN, YOU KNOW YOU'VE MADE IT BIG WHEN PEOPLE JUST CALL YOU BY YOUR INITIALS.
TAKE YOU, FOR EXAMPLE ... IF YOU WERE PRESIDENT, YOU'D BE..........
"ASS."
...VIOLENT.

I THINK RAT'S WATCHING TOO MUCH OF THAT "SURVIVOR" SHOW.
WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
JUST A HUNCH.

C'MON, NOW THERE, WANDA BABY, HOW BOUTS GIVIN' ME ANUDDER CHANCE THERE?
FORGET IT. YOU'RE A LAZY SLOB. IF I EVER DATE ANOTHER GNU, HE'S GONNA BE IN SHAPE.
IN SHAPE? C'MON NOW... I'M IN SHAPE THERE.
HA! I MEAN ONE OF THOSE REAL ATHLETIC MUSCULAR GUYS, LIKE THOSE SPRINTERS YOU SEE ON T.V.
SO SHE SAID SHE WAS RAISING HER STANDARDS ?
YEAH. NOW IT'S ALL THE GNUS THAT'S FIT TO SPRINT.

DID YOU HEAR I BROKE UP WITH THAT GNU I WAS DATING?
GEE, WANDA WILDEBEEST, THAT'S TOO BAD. HOW YOU FEELING?
I'M OKAY, ACTUALLY. I ALWAYS THOUGHT I HAD TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP TO BE HAPPY, BUT NOW I'VE GOT A NEW PHILOSOPHY.
WHAT'S THAT?
NO GNU IS GOOD NEWS.

I THINK THAT CONCLUDES OUR JOB INTERVIEW... DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?
YES... IF HIRED, CAN I HAVE AN OFFICE WITH A DOOR?
WHY DO YOU WANT THAT?
BECAUSE I PLAN ON SPENDING MOST OF THE WORK DAY VIEWING ADULT ENTERTAINMENT ON THE INTERNET...
...I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

THE STUPID CITY COUNCIL IS GONNA GET RID OF THE MONKEY BARS AT THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT??
KIDS SHOULDN'T DRINK WITH MONKEYS.
..NEVER DISCUSS POLITICS.

HOW MANY ANGELS DO YOU THINK CAN DANCE ON THE HEAD OF A PIN?
I THINK IT DEPENDS.
DEPENDS ON WHAT??
ON HOW MANY TOOK LESSONS.
...NEVER DISCUSS RELIGION.

HI! IT'S MY NEW TRAIN SET. THERE WAS A BIG ACCIDENT.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED TRAINS, EST.
I DON'T. I'VE ONLY CREATED ALL THIS SO I CAN PLAY GOD WITH THESE MORONS.
...AND YOU STAGED AN ACCIDENT?
SURE...IT'S ONE OF THE PERKS OF PLAYING GOD.
DID ANYONE GET HURT?
YEAH...UM...ERLIE, THE LAWYER...HE LIKES EILEEN, SO HE SKIPPED THE PICNIC AND...UM...THE CHICKENS...I JUST DECREED THAT ALL THE CHICKENS LIVED.
WHAT KIND OF GOD LETS THE GOOD PEOPLE DIE, BUT KEEPS THE BAD PEOPLE ALIVE?
HREHEHE...SUCKER...SNNOOORRRK...THEEEE HEE HEE HAWW HEE HAW...HHHOO HOO HOOOOOO...
HAHAHAHAHAHA HEEEEHEEEEHEEEE HOOOOHHHHOHOHO HHEHEHEHE HEE HEEEE HAW...
...NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, MY CHICKENS HAVE SOME SUPRENAS TO SERVE.

...AND IF THEY HAD JUST LET ME RIPEN FOR ANOTHER DAY OR SO, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ME IN THAT AWARD-WINNING MERLOT.
...BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T CARE. I REALLY DON'T. YOU CAN TAKE ALL THOSE HOITY-TOITY, FOO-FOO WINE AWARDS AND SHOVE 'EM UP YOUR $#@%, IF YOU ASK ME....
SOUR GRAPES.

THIS YEAR, WE MARK THE ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE SERENGETI MASSACRE, THAT TERRIBLE DAY WHEN FORTY-FOUR OF OUR OWN WERE KILLED BY A SINGLE DEN OF LIONS.
I’D LIKE TO ASK FOR A MOMENT OF SILENCE TO REFLECT UPON THOSE GLORIOUS ZEBRAS WHOSE LIVES WERE CUT SO SHORT.
COULD THE LIONS AT TABLE NINE PLEASE STOP DOING THE WAVE?

...AND THIS YEAR'S LIFETIME
ACHIEVEMENT AWARD GOES TO...
COUSIN NICKY... UNFORTUNATELY,
COUSIN NICKY COULDN'T BE WITH US
TONIGHT, AS HE WAS RECENTLY KILLED
...ACCEPTING ON HIS BEHALF WILL
BE... HIS SKULL...WHICH WE
STOLE FROM THE LIONS' CAMP.
DON'T BOTHER APPLAUDING...
HE CAN'T HEAR YOU.