Pearls Before Swine | Search

SOMEBODY'S MAKING LOUD REPETITIVE NOISES IN THE LAND OF THE NUDE SUPERMODELS.
I AM NOT IN THE LAND OF THE NUDE SUPERMODELS.
THIS SOUND IS NOT STOPPING.
THAT SOUND IS AN ALARM CLOCK.
THAT SOUND IS MY ALARM CLOCK.
THIS IS A WORK DAY.
I MUST GO TO WORK.
THIS WILL BE A BAD DAY AT WORK.
EVERY DAY IS A BAD DAY AT WORK.
I HATE MY JOB.
I NEED A JOB THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE GOING TO WORK.
I AM INCOHERENT. I NEED MORE SLEEP.
WHAT'S TEN MORE MINUTES?
OH, AHHHHHH, TYRA...

WELL, LADIES, I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE OFF, BUT I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
FORGET IT. NONE OF US WILL EVER SEE YOU AGAIN.
NEVER SEE ME AGAIN?? YOU MEAN... OH, MY GOODNESS... IT JUST HIT ME... YOU'RE ALL... YOU'RE ALL...
GAY.

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I'VE ENJOYED TALKING TO YOU, JUVENILE... DO YOU THINK I COULD SEE YOU AGAIN?
SURE. MEET ME IN THE DELI SECTION OF THE GROCERY STORE.
OKAY. BUT AFTERWARD, I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU TO THE MOVIES.
WELL, IF YOU WANT TO TAKE ME OUTSIDE THE GROCERY STORE, IT'S GONNA COST YOU MONEY.
...AND YOU SEEMED LIKE SUCH A NICE GIRL.

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
THERE SURE IS A LOT OF NOISE IN THAT BIG BUILDING. THAT MUST BE WHERE THE DANCING IS ...
HOW WOULD YOU LADIES FEEL ABOUT GOING OVER THERE WITH ME AND DOING A LITTLE DANCING?
I'D JUST DIE.
A SIMPLE "NO" WOULD SUFFICE.

SORRY I WAS AWAY SO LONG, LADIES, BUT I JUST COULDN'T FIND THE BAR. HEY, WHERE'S PAM?
GONE.
SHE WENT HOME?
YOU COULD SAY THAT.
WHERE DOES SHE LIVE?
PIGGY HEAVEN.
THAT MUST BE ONE OF THOSE NEW DEVELOPMENTS.

I HEAR PIG IS VISITING A SLAUGHTERHOUSE.
YEAH...HE THINKS IT'S A SINGLES PARTY.
A SINGLES PARTY?? LISTEN... NOBODY WHO VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE COULD EVER MISTAKE IT FOR A SINGLES PARTY.
...AM I THE ONLY GUY WHO CAN'T FIND THE OPEN BAR?

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HE'S VISITING A SLAUGHTERHOUSE.
WHAT? WHY WOULD HE VISIT A SLAUGHTERHOUSE?
HE THINKS IT'S A SINGLES PARTY.
COME HERE OFTEN?

WHAT'S THIS, RAT?
IT'S MY "DOGHOUSE OF DIFFICULT NEIGHBORS"... I TAKE ALL THE BAD NEIGHBORS IN OUR BLOCK AND STICK THEM IN HERE, OUT OF HARM'S WAY.
YEAH, I'M JIMMY... AND I PAINTED THE EXTERIOR OF MY HOUSE BRIGHT GREEN BECAUSE THE WORD "RESTRAINT" IS NOT IN MY VOCABULARY.
AND I'M GEOFF... I PARK CARS ON MY LAWN TO HIDE THE FACT I'M TOO DERN LAZY TO MOW IT.
AND THIS IS MY DOG, SKIPPY... SKIPPY BARKS ALL DAY BECAUSE I KEEP HIM OUTSIDE AND NEVER GIVE HIM ANY ATTENTION... MAYBE I'LL BUY ANOTHER DOG TO KEEP HIM COMPANY.
HE WAS GOING TO LET ME SAY THIS, BUT WE RAN OUT OF SPACE.
HE IS WRONG, RAT...I'M SURE IF WE ALL JUST TALKED AND GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER, WE COULD WORK ALL THIS OUT.
MY NAMES PIG, HOWARD.
I SAID MY NAME IS HOWARD.
ARF! ARF! ARF!
HUH?
WHAT?
HUH?

Dear Nancy Kerrigan,
It was wrong for you to have Tonya Harding
beaten up like that.
You dumb pig. Nancy Kerrigan
got beaten up.
Two wrongs do not
make a right.

...AND I THINK BARBRA
STREISAND'S FABULOUS,
BUT JUDY GARLAND IS.
..WELL JUDY. HAAAHA! WHO DO YOU PREFER, PIG?
LISTEN,
BOB. I
JUST
WANT TO
SHAVE.
OH...YOU ARE SOOO CUTE WHEN YOU GET ANGRY WITH ME.
I NEED A STRAIGHT RAZOR.

I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO SPEND THANKSGIVING WITH MY FAMILY THIS YEAR.
WELL, THERE ARE A LOT WORSE THINGS THAN NOT SPENDING THANKSGIVING WITH YOUR FAMILY.
LIKE WHAT?
SPENDING THANKSGIVING WITH YOUR FAMILY.

WHO'S ON THE SPEAKER-PHONE?
SOME GUY WHO WANTS TO MAKE A CLAIM TO YOUR NEW H.M.O.
DID YOU SEE THE LIGHT???
LIGHT? WHAT LIGHT?
THE BRIGHT ONE AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!
NO, YOU MORON! I HAVEN'T DIED YET.
DENIED.

HEY, HERE'S ONE OF THE COMMERCIALS I DID FOR THE H.M.O. I STARTED.
...AT HEALTHRAT, WE BELIEVE YOUR HEALTH IS IMPORTANT ... BUT ONLY IF THAT HEALTH IS SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY JEOPARDIZED...
REMEMBER, AT HEALTHRAT "THERE'S NO USE CRYING IF YA AIN'T CLOSE TO DYING."
CATCHY, HUH?

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
A BUSINESS PLAN FOR THE H.M.O. I STARTED.
I PAY ALL CLAIMS, PROVIDED, OF COURSE, THAT THE INSURED CAN SUPPLY PROOF THAT HIS ILLNESS LED TO A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE.
WHAT IF THEY JUST DIE?
THEN THEY'RE GOD'S PROBLEM.

WHEN I’M MARRIED AND OWN MY OWN HOUSE, I’M GONNA GET ME AND MY WIFE’S INITIALS MONOGRAMMED ON EVERYTHING.
WHY DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
BECAUSE THE PEOPLE THAT USED TO OWN THE HOUSE RAT AND I ARE IN HAD THAT DONE AND IT LOOKS REALLY GOOD.
WHAT WERE THEIR NAMES?
OH, I DON’T KNOW… CHARLIE AND HARRIET… CHRIS AND HOLLY… CHUCK AND HENRIETTA…
ALL I KNOW FOR SURE IS THAT THEIR INITIALS WERE “C” AND “H”.
AND BOY, DID THEY LIKE FAUCET HANDLES.

I'M LOOKING FOR A NOVEL, BUT I CAN'T FIND IT.
THEN I GUESS WE DON'T HAVE IT.
AREN'T YOU GONNA LOOK??
FOR SOMETHING THAT'S NOT HERE?
APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR STUPIDITY.

HI... I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP ME FIND A SELF-HELP BOOK.
OH? WHAT LOSER TRAIT ARE YOU TRYING TO OVERCOME?
I DON'T THINK I'M A LOSER, PAL.
SEEING YOURSELF AS OTHERS SEE YOU... AISLE 6.

HI...I'M LOOKING FOR A BOOK.

THEN WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING ME?
BECAUSE I COULDN'T FIND IT.
THEN EITHER WE DON'T HAVE IT, OR YOU'RE TOO DUMB TO FIND IT.
EITHER WAY, I'D SAY YOU'RE SCREWED.

YEAH, I WAS HOPING YOU
COULD HELP ME FIND A
BOOK.
...AND I WAS HOPING I WOULDN'T
BE APPROACHED BY A HELPLESS
MORON.
I GUESS WE'RE BOTH
DISAPPOINTED.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD PLEASE HELP ME FIND A BOOK.
WE DON’T HAVE IT.
I HAVEN’T TOLD YOU WHAT IT IS.
YOU’RE REALLY TESTING MY PATIENCE. PLEASE LEAVE BEFORE I STRIKE YOU ABOUT THE HEAD.
YOU HANDLED THAT WELL.

I HEAR RAT GOT A NEW JOB AT THE BOOKSTORE.
YEAH, BUT HE SAYS HE DOESN'T LIKE IT BECAUSE HE GETS BOTHERED BY A LOT OF CUSTOMERS' QUESTIONS.
HE SHOULD JUST REFER THEM TO THE INFORMATION DESK. THAT'S WHAT IT'S THERE FOR.
I THINK THAT'S PART OF THE PROBLEM.
DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE GOT A QUESTION, TOO.

...WHEN THE COWBOYS AWOKE IN THE MORNING, THEY NOTICED THEIR GUNSLINGER, MALCOLM, WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. HE HAD BEEN LIKELY KIDNAPPED BY THE DREADED APACHE.
MALC'S GONE.
CURSE THOSE INDIANS.
WE WILL RIDE OUR HORSES TO THEIR CAMP AND ASK IF THEY HAVE MALCOLM SAID THE COWBOY.
HOLD ON SAID JOE THE COWBOY. THOSE INDIANS WILL ASSUME WE'RE HOSTILE ATTACKING AND SHOOT US BEFORE WE GET WITHIN 100 YARDS OF THEIR CAMP.
THEN WHAT CAN WE DO? ASKED FRED.
LISTEN FRED. WITH THE APACHE, YOU HAVE TO SIGNAL YOUR INTENTIONS BY WEARING THE RIGHT FACEPAINT. IF YOU WANT TO SHOW YOU COME IN PEACE, YOU SMEAR WHITE PAINT AROUND YOUR MOUTH.
WEARING THE APPROPRIATE FACEPAINT AND HOPING TO FIND THEIR FRIEND, JOE AND FRED CAREFULLY APPROACHED THE APACHE CAMP, FINALLY COMING FACE-TO-FACE WITH THE APACHE CHIEF, TO WHOM THEY POSED THEIR FATEFUL QUERY.
WHAT WAS IT?
GOT MALC?

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN BEING AN ORGAN DONOR?
I'D LOVE TO, BUT I DON'T OWN ONE.
YOU HAVE MANY.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T?
YOU'RE A MORON.
I KNEW THAT.

SORRY YOU COULDN'T FIND YOUR PSYCHIATRIST.
...ME TOO.
...YOU BOUGHT A BALLOON.
...YEAH... BALLOONS MAKE ME HAPPY.
...YOU WANT TO BE ALONE?
...I GUESS.

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