Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHO ARE ALL YOU PEOPLE?
THE DIMINUTIVE DOOMSAYERS…
…WE’RE SHORT LITTLE GUYS WHO PRAY FERVENTLY FOR THE END OF THIS WORLD.
WHY DO YOU DO THAT??
WE CAN’T GET DATES.

I HEAR YOU GOT A JOB WORKING FOR THE GOVERNOR.
YEAH. TODAY WAS MY FIRST DAY. WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
THE NEWS. LOOKS LIKE THEY EXECUTED SOME GUY AT THE PRISON.
THAT REMINDS ME... I FORGOT TO DO SOMETHING...
PARDON?
WHAT'S RIGHT?
THAT'S RIGHT.
GOTTA GO.

"IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES, IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES, IT WAS THE AGE OF WISDOM, IT WAS THE AGE OF FOOLISHNESS."
"...IT WAS THE SEASON OF LIGHT, IT WAS THE SEASON OF DARKNESS, IT WAS THE SPRING OF HOPE, IT WAS THE WINTER OF DESPAIR!"
GEE... WHERE'S A GOOD EDITOR WHEN YOU NEED ONE?

HOW WAS THE WRITTEN PART OF YOUR DRIVING TEST?
EASY. THEY GIVE YOU A BUNCH OF REAL-LIFE DRIVING SITUATIONS AND ASK HOW YOU’D REACT.
THAT SOUNDS HARD.
NO… IT’S SIMPLE… EVERY QUESTION HAS PRETTY MUCH THE SAME ANSWER.
“MAKE AN OBSCENE GESTURE.”
“MAKE AN OBSCENE GESTURE.”
“MAKE TWO OBSCENE GESTURES…”

MY PEN PAL FROM
CHIAPAS GOT FIRED
FROM HIS FAST
FOOD JOB.
WHAT’S
HE
GONNA
DO NOW?
WELL, HE’S PRETTY CHARISMATIC,
SO HE FIGURES HE CAN GET
SOMETHING IN SALES....
...GIRLS, IF YOU'RE LIKE ME,
AND YOU PREFER YOUR SALADS
FRESH AND CRISP, THEN THIS
IS THE 'TUPPERWARE' FOR YOU!

HEY, MY PEN PAL FROM CHIAPAS, MEXICO IS COMING TO VISIT.
YOU MEAN THE GUY WHO'S TRYING TO OVERTHROW THE MEXICAN GOVERNMENT?
YEAH...HE WANTS TO COME HERE AND MAKE SOME MONEY TO SUPPORT HIS ARMY BACK HOME.
WHAT'S HE GONNA DO?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUPER-SIZE THAT?

THANKS FOR COMING OVER, PIG.
MY PLEASURE, KITTY. HOW ARE THINGS?
OH, I CAN’T COMPLAIN. I MEAN THE LIVING ARRANGEMENTS ARE A LITTLE CRAMPED, BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK?
NO, I’M OKAY. HEY, HOW’S VICTOR ?
OH, I THOUGHT YOU KNEW. VICTOR MOVED OUT. ANY OF THE KIDS, TOO.
YEAH, WELL, I’D RATHER NOT DISCUSS IT...IT’S ALL PRETTY PAINFUL...
LISTEN, IF YOU DON’T MIND WAITING, I’D LIKE TO ORDER MORE HERE. THE SHOW...
OKAY...HANG ON...
I’D LIKE THAT.
HAD NO IDEA.
WHERE WERE WE?

"NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM."
WHAT'S IT THINK OF THE COFFEE MAKER?
HE NEVER ANSWERS MY QUESTIONS.

I HEARD YOU QUIT YOUR JOB AT "THE NEW YORK TIMES".
YEAH... I WANTED MORE EXPOSURE, SO I GOT A JOB AT ONE OF THE SUPERMARKET TABLOIDS.
HOW IS IT GOING?
BAD. THEY HAVE ALL THESE STANDARDS. YOU HAVE TO GET THREE SOURCES TO VERIFY A STORY, AND YOU CAN'T MAKE UP ALL OF YOUR QUOTES AND BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH...
...I MISS "THE TIMES".

BAGHDAD -- Today in Baghdad, I found all of the weapons of mass destruction. They were hidden in a downtown convenience store.
The weapons were right behind the counter, just to the left of the adult magazines. I asked the store's clerks, Punjab and Abu, how it was that Hans Blix could have missed these.
"Well," said Punjab, "It looked like Blix was headed straight for them, when suddenly, he made a beeline for the girlie magazines."
"Yeah," added Abu, "That Blix is one lonely guy."

BAGHDAD- Today in Baghdad, this reporter was ushered into the underground bunker of deposed ruler Saddam Hussein.
Saddam, dressed only in boxer shorts and a pair of Birkenstocks, sat quietly upon a beanbag, playing his 'Gameboy' and occasionally weeping. A nearby stereo played what sounded like American country music. I asked the former tyrant what he was listening to.
"Dixie Chicks," he muttered. "Nothing but 'Dixie Chicks.'"

THIS IS RIDICULOUS. YOU CAN'T WRITE A STORY FROM BAGH-DAD IF YOU'RE NOT REALLY THERE.
DUDE, I WORK FOR "THE NEW YORK TIMES"... I CAN DO ANY-THING I WANT.
WHAT IF YOU NEED A QUOTE FROM SOMEBODY?
I'LL GET ONE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, GENERAL?
THAT'S RIGHT, RAT.

DID YOU HEAR RAT GOT A JOB WORKING FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES?
DOING WHAT?
HE'S A FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT STATIONED IN BAGHDAD. IN FACT, HE'S THERE RIGHT NOW COVERING SOME MILITARY OPERATION.
REALLY?
REALLY.

LOOK. I BOUGHT GARDEN SHEARS.
WATCH OUT... YOU'RE GONNA--
PSSSHAHH
EEEE-YO! *POP*
GEEZ, I'M SO SORRY.
POP
PSHHHHH...
SWACK!
SMACK! POW!!
OH #%*^ MIMES.

I AM THE PHILOSOPHER KING. ASK ME A QUESTION.
WHY MUST INNOCENT, THOUGHTFUL ZEBRAS SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF BRUTAL, STUPID LIONS?
THEY RUN FASTER.

YOU STILL HAVING TROUBLE COMING UP WITH IDEAS FOR YOUR SHORT STORY?
LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU DUMB PIG.
WELL, I THOUGHT I'D HELP YOU OUT, SO I BROUGHT ALONG MY BUDDY, MOOSE... ...SMACK HIM, MOOSE!!
POW!!
... I SAID I WAS WAITING FOR THE MUSE TO STRIKE...
HE WANTS ANOTHER MOOSE!!

I SAW MY COUSIN GENE TODAY.
IS HE THAT GUY THAT RUNS MARATHONS?
YEAH, BUT HE'S A REAL JERK. NOBODY IN MY FAMILY LIKES HIM.
IT MUST BE TOUGH TO HAVE A BAD GENE THAT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

HEY, ISN'T THAT DAVID JUSTICE, THE BASEBALL STAR?
YEAH, AND LOOK AT THAT BIG PLATE OF PEAS HE'S EATING.
I'LL WAIT TIL HE'S DONE AND GRAB SOME LEFTOVER PEAS FOR A SOUVENIR.
NO, YOU WON'T. THE WAITRESS JUST TOOK HIS PLATE AND NOW HE'S LEAVING.
... NO JUSTICE, NO PEAS.

DEAR FRENCH PRESIDENT CHIRAC,
DESPITE MY LETTERS TO YOU, YOUR PEOPLE CONTINUE TO TREAT AMERICANS BADLY. AS SUCH, YOU MUST NOW BE PUNISHED.
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, EURODISNEY WILL BE EXPANDED TO INCLUDE THE ENTIRE NATION OF FRANCE.
...P.S. IF YOU'RE NICE, WE WON'T MAKE YOU WEAR THE MOUSE EARS.

DEAR FRENCH PRESIDENT CHIRAC,
WE SAVED YOUR PEOPLE
DURING WORLD WAR TWO...YET
WHEN WE TRAVEL TO YOUR COUNTRY,
YOU ARE ALL VERY RUDE.
PLEASE BE NICE OR WE WILL
ASK GERMANY TO ANNEX
YOU AGAIN.
P.S. WHY DO YOU
IGNORE ALL MY
LETTERS?

HOW ABOUT YOU, PIG?
OH, MY PROSPECTS LOOK EXTRAORDINARY, PHIL.
IN FACT, JUST LAST WEEK, I GOT AN E-MAIL FROM THE CHAIRMAN OF NIGERIA OFFERING ME A LARGE FEE FOR MY HELP IN TRANSFERRING $20,000,000 LOCKED UP IN OVERSEAS ACCOUNTS. I GAVE HIM MY BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER AND EXPECT MY FEE SHORTLY.

WITH MY RETURN ON THE REAL ESTATE INVESTMENT TRUSTS, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO RETIRE NEXT YEAR...
YOU KNOW, PHIL, MY EQUITIES PORTFOLIO HAS BEEN EXTRAORDINARY AS WELL. THE HEALTH CARE SECTOR HAS BEEN AMAZING...
EQUITIES HAVE BEEN WONDERFUL, BOB, BUT THIS WAS THE YEAR TO BE IN BONDS. I'VE DONE VERY WELL.
I SHOULDN'T BRAG SO OPENLY.

THAT CELLO SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL. WHO'S PLAYING IT?
YO-YO MA.
OH, AND I SUPPOSE THAT'S "HULA HOOP" PAPA ON THE FLUTE...
HE THINKS I'M SO STUPID.

YOU DUMB PIG!! YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOUR SISTER FARINA GOT MARRIED TO SOME GUY NAMED BOB, AND I CALLED HER FOR A DATE!!
I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOU.
HURT ME?? D'YOU THINK I WOULDN'T FIND OUT? NEVER KEEP BAD NEWS FROM ME!! I ALWAYS WANT TO KNOW!!
OKAY, THEN… STAY OUT OF YOUR CLOSET. BOB'S GOT A GUN.
IS HE HOME YET??

HI, IS FARINA THERE? IT'S ME, RAT.
YOU MUST BE THE GUY WHO KEEPS WRITING.
YEAH, THAT'S ME.. I'M CALLING TO SEE IF SHE'D LIKE TO GO ON A DATE THIS FRIDAY...
THIS IS HER HUSBAND.
.....PERHAPS YOU KNOW HER SCHEDULE.

DEAR FARINA,
THE LAST TEN MONTHS HAVE
BEEN VERY HARD WITHOUT YOU.
I JUST CAN’T STOP THINKING
ABOUT YOU.
I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO
SEE YOU AGAIN.... I AM SO
LONELY. MAYBE YOU ARE, TOO.
HONEY, THERE’S
A LETTER FOR YOU
FROM SOMEONE
NAMED “RAT.”
TOSS IT
IN THE
RECYCLING,
SWEETIE.