Pearls Before Swine | Search

SO WHAT HAPPENS HERE IN HEAVEN?
NOT VERY MUCH. PEOPLE JUST SIT AROUND AND HAVE POLITE LITTLE CONVERSATIONS AND IT JUST SEEMS TO GO ON AND ON AND ON.
YOU MEAN HEAVEN IS ONE BIG "MERCHANT AND IVORY" FILM?
YES, BUT YOU CAN'T LEAVE THE THEATER.

RAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
HEY, GRANDMA! I DIED... ST. PETER WON'T LET ME STAY, BUT HE SAID I COULD HAVE A LOOK AROUND.
THEN WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
I'LL BE CAST INTO A FIERY PIT OF TORMENT AND SUFFERING FOR ALL ETERNITY.
OH, LOOK... I'M LATE FOR BINGO.

HOW CAN YOU KEEP ME OUT OF HEAVEN JUST BECAUSE I WAS BAD?... I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN.
SO?
WELL, GIVEN THAT I DIDN'T VOLUNTEER FOR THIS LIFE THING, I'D SAY I WAS A PRETTY GOOD SPORT... THAT OUGHTA COUNT FOR SOMETHING.
HERE'S A NICE TOASTER OVEN... MAYBE SATAN HAS SOME BAGELS.

WHAT ARE THESE THINGS?
MY RECYCLING BINS.
WHAT ARE THEY FOR?
I PUT MY DISCARDED BOTTLES AND STUFF IN THEM AND THE CITY PICKS THEM UP.
WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM?
THEY TAKE THEM TO THE RECYCLING PLANT AND TURN THEM INTO SOMETHING NEW.
YOU MEAN THESE LITTLE BOXES TAKE SOME USELESS THING THAT NO ONE WANTS AND TURN IT INTO SOME- THING NEW?
YEAH. MORE OR LESS...

SO WHY DON'T I GET INTO HEAVEN?
WELL, FOR STARTERS, YOU WERE SELF-CENTERED, ARROGANT AND RUDE.
BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT I CAN'T LET YOU INTO HEAVEN.
THAT'S IT? THAT'S ALL I GET? NOW I'M CONDEMNED TO A PLACE OF TORMENT FOR ALL ETERNITY?
WE'VE GOT SOME NICE PARTING GIFTS IN THE BACK.

SO DO I GET INTO HEAVEN?
NO.
WHY NOT?
YOU WERE BAD.
HOOEY.

I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT YOU'RE NOT MOTHER TERESA.
I AM MOTHER TERESA. ASK ME SOMETHING.
OKAY... WHO DID YOU SPEND YOUR LIFE HELPING?
THOSE POOR LEOPARDS.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
WHAT THE?? WELL, DO I GET IN?
HEAVEN... YOU GOT HIT BY A CAR.
HMMM... LET ME LOOK YOU UP IN MY BOOK AND SEE WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU LIVED. NOW THEN... WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
MOTHER TERESA.

I GOT MY EYES DILATED AND I CAN'T SEE. CAN YOU HELP ME CROSS THE STREET?
SURE.
REMEMBER TO LOOK BOTH WAYS...
ARE WE THERE YET?

PAPER OR PLASTIC?
CHECK.
YOU HAVE TO PICK.
CHECK.
I'M PAYING WITH A CHECK.
CHECK WHAT?
WHO CARES??
A BAG.
SO...NO PAPER. NO PLASTIC.
YOU STUPID PIG!! I'M NOT ASKING YOU HOW YOU'RE PAYING!! I'M ASKING YOU WHAT YOU WANT YOUR GROCERIES IN!!!
SO...WHAT?
NOT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE THAT KEEPS ASKING.
BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ANSWERING.
I AM ANSWERING... I DON'T HAVE CASH AND I DON'T HAVE A CREDIT CARD.

DO YOU THINK THAT AFTER YOU DIE, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO ASK GOD ONE QUESTION YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED ANSWERED?
YEAH.. BUT BECAUSE GOD IS SO SMART, I BET HE'LL TALK REAL FAST AND USE BIG WORDS I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
SO MAYBE I'LL JUST SAY HI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WRITING ENTRIES IN MY BIRD-WATCHING JOURNAL.
LEMME SEE.
PIGEON. PIGEON. PIGEON. PIGEON. PIGEON. PIGEON.
DEAD PIGEON. PIGEON. PIGEON. PIGEON. PIGEON.
PIGEON. PIGEON. PIGEON.
YOU MAY WANT TO GET OUT OF THE CITY NOW AND THEN.

ARE YOU STILL DOING THAT VOLUNTEER PROGRAM TO HELP FORMER MAFIA MEMBERS CONTROL THEIR ANGER?
YEAH... YESTERDAY WE GAVE THEM ALL A BIG COLORING BOOK AND HAD THEM WORK ON A PICTURE TOGETHER.
HOW'D IT GO?
OKAY... UNTIL VINNIE GOT A LITTLE CARELESS WITH HIS PART AND SAMMY OFFED HIM.
HE MUST HAVE CROSSED THE LINE.

I REGRET THE PAST AND
DREAD THE FUTURE... THAT
LEAVES ME WITH A FLEETING
NANOSECOND CALLED THE
PRESENT TO BE HAPPY.
MISSED IT.

LOOK AT ALL THESE STUPID MOVIE CREDITS... WHY DO THEY FEEL THE NEED TO GIVE ME ALL THESE LOSERS' NAMES?
MY PIZZA DOESN'T COME WITH CREDITS. NEITHER DOES MY TV, MY PILLOW, MY HOUSE... WHO DO THESE CREATIVE TYPES THINK THEY ARE?
PEARLS BEFORE SWINE
Produced by
STEPHAN PASTIS
Written by
STEPHAN PASTIS
Drawn by
STEPHAN PASTIS

IF A TREE FALLS IN THE WOODS AND NOBODY IS THERE TO HEAR IT, DOES IT MAKE A SOUND?
IT DEPENDS... IS IT A BIG TREE?
NO… THE QUESTION ASSUMES THAT ALL FALLING TREES MAKE A SOUND...
OH... THEN I GUESS IT MAKES A SOUND...
NO! THE POINT IS THAT NO ONE IS THERE TO HEAR IT!
GOOD THING. THEY’D GET HIT BY A TREE.

DEAR LIONS,
ONCE AGAIN, I AM COMPELLED TO TAKE PEN TO PAPER IN AN EFFORT TO IMPROVE THE DISMAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN OUR RESPECTIVE HERDS.
AFTER LONG REFLECTION, MY ZEBRA HERD HAS CONCLUDED THAT CULTURAL IGNORANCE MAY BE AT THE ROOT OF OUR DIFFICULTIES.
FOR THIS REASON, WE PROPOSE A CULTURAL GOODWILL EXCHANGE WHEREBY WE SEND A ZEBRA REPRESENTATIVE TO MEET WITH ONE OF YOUR LIONS.
WE WILL TEACH YOU OUR CUSTOMS, BELIEFS AND TRADITIONS, AND YOU CAN DO THE SAME. OUR FIRST REPRESENTATIVE WILL ARRIVE SHORTLY.
SEND MORE REPRESENTATIVES! THEY TASTE TEACH GUD.
sigh

I WANT A CELL PHONE.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
THOSE THINGS ARE WAY TOO DANGEROUS.
BECAUSE I HAD ONE AND IT WAS SO HARD TO USE, I GOT REAL MAD AND THREW IT AND IT SMACKED A GUY IN THE HEAD AND NOW HE'S BLIND OR SOMETHING.
GOSH... THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A WARNING LABEL.
I'M GONNA SUE.

PSHHH FSHHH PSHH TRSHH FSHH PSHH FSHHHHHHH TRSHH FSHH PSHHH PSHH SVSHHHH KSHH KSHHH.
WELL, GOOD TO SEE YOU. TALK TO YOU LATER.
TRSHHH PSHHHH FWSHHH.
THAT WAS LENNY. HE WORKS AT THE DRIVE-THRU.

LOOK AT THESE ELEPHANTS... WHEN ONE IS ATTACKED, THE WHOLE HERD DEFENDS HIM... WHAT DO ZEBRAS DO?
WE FLEE IN ALL DIRECTIONS, ELATED THAT THE DOOMED ZEBRA WILL SATISFY THE LIONS' HUNGER FOR DAYS.
ON A KINDER NOTE, WE DISCOURAGE OPEN CHEERING.

WHO ARE YOU?
RAT. YOUR BROTHER PHIL HIRED ME TO TAKE HIS PLACE AT THIS FINE HOLIDAY GATHERING.
WHY'D HE DO THAT?
BECAUSE HE THINKS YOU'RE A SHALLOW MORON AND HE HATES SPENDING TIME WITH YOU.
HEY... MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I'VE HEARD THAT RAT HAS
STARTED A NEW BUSINESS
WHERE YOU CAN HIRE HIM TO
TAKE YOUR PLACE AT HOLIDAY
FAMILY GATHERINGS.
YEAH... SINCE EVERY-
ONE HATES THOSE
THINGS, HE FIGURES
HE'LL GET RICH.
BUT IS
HE GOOD
AT SOCIAL
GATHERINGS?
...NOW THEN, WHICH BROTHER
ARE YOU... THE POMPOUS JERK-
FACE OR THE DUMB FATHEAD?

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME DONUT HOLES? THEY'RE REALLY CHEAP.
WELL, THEY SHOULD BE.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
SIR, EVEN I KNOW THE HOLE IN A DONUT IS NOTHING BUT EMPTY SPACE.
I... HAVE HALF A MIND TO CALL RALPH NADER ON YOU!

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
THIS BOOK THAT DOESN'T WORK - "THINGS WOMEN SAY."
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK… WHEN A WOMAN TELLS YOU "HAVE A GOOD TIME PLAYING POKER WITH YOUR FRIENDS," IT MEANS, "DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE THIS HOUSE, YOU JERK."
WOW.
AND LISTEN TO THIS… WHEN A WOMAN SAYS, "SURE, I'D LIKE TO GO TO THAT RESTAURANT," IT TRANSLATES TO "I HATE THAT RESTAURANT SO MUCH IF YOU TAKE ME THERE AGAIN, I WILL GIVE YOU THE SILENT TREATMENT FOR A MONTH AND NOT TELL YOU WHY."
AND OH GEEZ... THE OBVIOUS ONE... "DO YOU THINK WOMEN PRETTY?" ACTUALLY MEANS, "I WAS LOOKING FOR A REASON TO PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD, SO GIVE ME ONE, YOU DUMB FATHEAD."
EXCUSE ME, BUT COULD YOU PLEASE PASS THE SALT??
AUGGHHHH!!
IS THERE A PROBLEM…
I ACTUALLY WANT THE PEPPER, BUT I AM TESTING YOUR SENSITIVITY TO MY NEEDS...