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I HEARD YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS HAVE ALL EQUIPPED THEMSELVES WITH MUSICAL ALARMS.
YEAH...WHEN THEY'RE CHASED BY LIONS, THE ALARM PLAYS CHRISTMAS CAROLS, AND WE ALL KNOW ONE OF OUR OWN IS IN TROUBLE.
THEN WHAT DO YOU DO?
WE SING ALONG.

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
OKAY, LULU! I GOT THE CAR STARTED! JUST HOP OVER THE FENCE AND WE'RE FREE! FREE, LULU!
I'M NOT LULU... I'M JENNY.
THEN WHERE'S LULU?
SHE FLEW AWAY!

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I THOUGHT I'D FOUND SUCH A GREAT SINGLES PARTY, BUT NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME THEY'RE GONNA KILL ALL OF YOU?
YES, SWEETIE, THAT'S WHAT THEY DO HERE.
THAT EXPLAINS THE LOW COVER CHARGE.

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WANT TO GO HOME WITH ME, LULU.
NO GIRL HAS EVER WANTED TO GO HOME WITH ME.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
WELL, I'VE GIVEN IT A LOT OF THOUGHT, AND IT'S EITHER THAT,
OR STAY HERE AND GET KNOCKED OVER THE HEAD, THROWN INTO BOILING WATER AND MADE INTO A SAUSAGE LINK.
YOU'RE MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE.

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
MR. PIG... I'M LULU. IF YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE, I WANT TO GO WITH YOU.
WITH ME? WHY?
BECAUSE, BABY, THIS TOWN RIPS THE BONES FROM YOUR BACK. IT'S A DEATH TRAP... IT'S A SUICIDE RAP.
WENDY, LET ME IN... I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. I WANT TO GUARD YOUR DREAMS AND VISIONS!
WENDY? WHO'S WENDY?
I HAVE NO IDEA.

SOMEBODY'S MAKING LOUD REPETITIVE NOISES IN THE LAND OF THE NUDE SUPERMODELS.
I AM NOT IN THE LAND OF THE NUDE SUPERMODELS.
THIS SOUND IS NOT STOPPING.
THAT SOUND IS AN ALARM CLOCK.
THAT SOUND IS MY ALARM CLOCK.
THIS IS A WORK DAY.
I MUST GO TO WORK.
THIS WILL BE A BAD DAY AT WORK.
EVERY DAY IS A BAD DAY AT WORK.
I HATE MY JOB.
I NEED A JOB THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE GOING TO WORK.
I AM INCOHERENT. I NEED MORE SLEEP.
WHAT'S TEN MORE MINUTES?
OH, AHHHHHH, TYRA...

WELL, LADIES, I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE OFF, BUT I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
FORGET IT. NONE OF US WILL EVER SEE YOU AGAIN.
NEVER SEE ME AGAIN?? YOU MEAN... OH, MY GOODNESS... IT JUST HIT ME... YOU'RE ALL... YOU'RE ALL...
GAY.

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I'VE ENJOYED TALKING TO YOU, JUVENILE... DO YOU THINK I COULD SEE YOU AGAIN?
SURE. MEET ME IN THE DELI SECTION OF THE GROCERY STORE.
OKAY. BUT AFTERWARD, I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU TO THE MOVIES.
WELL, IF YOU WANT TO TAKE ME OUTSIDE THE GROCERY STORE, IT'S GONNA COST YOU MONEY.
...AND YOU SEEMED LIKE SUCH A NICE GIRL.

PIG VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
THERE SURE IS A LOT OF NOISE IN THAT BIG BUILDING. THAT MUST BE WHERE THE DANCING IS ...
HOW WOULD YOU LADIES FEEL ABOUT GOING OVER THERE WITH ME AND DOING A LITTLE DANCING?
I'D JUST DIE.
A SIMPLE "NO" WOULD SUFFICE.

SORRY I WAS AWAY SO LONG, LADIES, BUT I JUST COULDN'T FIND THE BAR. HEY, WHERE'S PAM?
GONE.
SHE WENT HOME?
YOU COULD SAY THAT.
WHERE DOES SHE LIVE?
PIGGY HEAVEN.
THAT MUST BE ONE OF THOSE NEW DEVELOPMENTS.

I HEAR PIG IS VISITING A SLAUGHTERHOUSE.
YEAH...HE THINKS IT'S A SINGLES PARTY.
A SINGLES PARTY?? LISTEN... NOBODY WHO VISITS A SLAUGHTERHOUSE COULD EVER MISTAKE IT FOR A SINGLES PARTY.
...AM I THE ONLY GUY WHO CAN'T FIND THE OPEN BAR?

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HE'S VISITING A SLAUGHTERHOUSE.
WHAT? WHY WOULD HE VISIT A SLAUGHTERHOUSE?
HE THINKS IT'S A SINGLES PARTY.
COME HERE OFTEN?

WHAT'S THIS, RAT?
IT'S MY "DOGHOUSE OF DIFFICULT NEIGHBORS"... I TAKE ALL THE BAD NEIGHBORS IN OUR BLOCK AND STICK THEM IN HERE, OUT OF HARM'S WAY.
YEAH, I'M JIMMY... AND I PAINTED THE EXTERIOR OF MY HOUSE BRIGHT GREEN BECAUSE THE WORD "RESTRAINT" IS NOT IN MY VOCABULARY.
AND I'M GEOFF... I PARK CARS ON MY LAWN TO HIDE THE FACT I'M TOO DERN LAZY TO MOW IT.
AND THIS IS MY DOG, SKIPPY... SKIPPY BARKS ALL DAY BECAUSE I KEEP HIM OUTSIDE AND NEVER GIVE HIM ANY ATTENTION... MAYBE I'LL BUY ANOTHER DOG TO KEEP HIM COMPANY.
HE WAS GOING TO LET ME SAY THIS, BUT WE RAN OUT OF SPACE.
HE IS WRONG, RAT...I'M SURE IF WE ALL JUST TALKED AND GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER, WE COULD WORK ALL THIS OUT.
MY NAMES PIG, HOWARD.
I SAID MY NAME IS HOWARD.
ARF! ARF! ARF!
HUH?
WHAT?
HUH?

Dear Nancy Kerrigan,
It was wrong for you to have Tonya Harding
beaten up like that.
You dumb pig. Nancy Kerrigan
got beaten up.
Two wrongs do not
make a right.

...AND I THINK BARBRA
STREISAND'S FABULOUS,
BUT JUDY GARLAND IS.
..WELL JUDY. HAAAHA! WHO DO YOU PREFER, PIG?
LISTEN,
BOB. I
JUST
WANT TO
SHAVE.
OH...YOU ARE SOOO CUTE WHEN YOU GET ANGRY WITH ME.
I NEED A STRAIGHT RAZOR.

I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO SPEND THANKSGIVING WITH MY FAMILY THIS YEAR.
WELL, THERE ARE A LOT WORSE THINGS THAN NOT SPENDING THANKSGIVING WITH YOUR FAMILY.
LIKE WHAT?
SPENDING THANKSGIVING WITH YOUR FAMILY.

WHO'S ON THE SPEAKER-PHONE?
SOME GUY WHO WANTS TO MAKE A CLAIM TO YOUR NEW H.M.O.
DID YOU SEE THE LIGHT???
LIGHT? WHAT LIGHT?
THE BRIGHT ONE AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!
NO, YOU MORON! I HAVEN'T DIED YET.
DENIED.

HEY, HERE'S ONE OF THE COMMERCIALS I DID FOR THE H.M.O. I STARTED.
...AT HEALTHRAT, WE BELIEVE YOUR HEALTH IS IMPORTANT ... BUT ONLY IF THAT HEALTH IS SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY JEOPARDIZED...
REMEMBER, AT HEALTHRAT "THERE'S NO USE CRYING IF YA AIN'T CLOSE TO DYING."
CATCHY, HUH?

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
A BUSINESS PLAN FOR THE H.M.O. I STARTED.
I PAY ALL CLAIMS, PROVIDED, OF COURSE, THAT THE INSURED CAN SUPPLY PROOF THAT HIS ILLNESS LED TO A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE.
WHAT IF THEY JUST DIE?
THEN THEY'RE GOD'S PROBLEM.

WHEN I’M MARRIED AND OWN MY OWN HOUSE, I’M GONNA GET ME AND MY WIFE’S INITIALS MONOGRAMMED ON EVERYTHING.
WHY DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
BECAUSE THE PEOPLE THAT USED TO OWN THE HOUSE RAT AND I ARE IN HAD THAT DONE AND IT LOOKS REALLY GOOD.
WHAT WERE THEIR NAMES?
OH, I DON’T KNOW… CHARLIE AND HARRIET… CHRIS AND HOLLY… CHUCK AND HENRIETTA…
ALL I KNOW FOR SURE IS THAT THEIR INITIALS WERE “C” AND “H”.
AND BOY, DID THEY LIKE FAUCET HANDLES.

I'M LOOKING FOR A NOVEL, BUT I CAN'T FIND IT.
THEN I GUESS WE DON'T HAVE IT.
AREN'T YOU GONNA LOOK??
FOR SOMETHING THAT'S NOT HERE?
APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR STUPIDITY.

HI... I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP ME FIND A SELF-HELP BOOK.
OH? WHAT LOSER TRAIT ARE YOU TRYING TO OVERCOME?
I DON'T THINK I'M A LOSER, PAL.
SEEING YOURSELF AS OTHERS SEE YOU... AISLE 6.

HI...I'M LOOKING FOR A BOOK.

THEN WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING ME?
BECAUSE I COULDN'T FIND IT.
THEN EITHER WE DON'T HAVE IT, OR YOU'RE TOO DUMB TO FIND IT.
EITHER WAY, I'D SAY YOU'RE SCREWED.

YEAH, I WAS HOPING YOU
COULD HELP ME FIND A
BOOK.
...AND I WAS HOPING I WOULDN'T
BE APPROACHED BY A HELPLESS
MORON.
I GUESS WE'RE BOTH
DISAPPOINTED.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD PLEASE HELP ME FIND A BOOK.
WE DON’T HAVE IT.
I HAVEN’T TOLD YOU WHAT IT IS.
YOU’RE REALLY TESTING MY PATIENCE. PLEASE LEAVE BEFORE I STRIKE YOU ABOUT THE HEAD.
YOU HANDLED THAT WELL.