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FOR YOUR ASSIGNMENT TONIGHT, PEOPLE, I ASKED EACH OF YOU TO WRITE AN ANONYMOUS, INSPIRATIONAL MESSAGE AND PUT IT IN THIS JAR.
WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO NOW IS READ SOME OF THOSE MESSAGES TO THE CLASS...
"OPEN THE KEY TO YOUR HEART AND SOAR FROM YOUR SPIRIT
SOAR AMONG THE BUTTERFLIES!"
"CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP CLAP"
"SING YOUR SONGS ON THE RAINBOW
AND LEAP OVER THE CLOUDS."
"CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP"
"LIFE IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD. SAYAN EREV SEY?"
"CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP"
"SHINE AS BIG AS THE SUN AND KNOW MUSIC FILLS YOUR HEART."
"CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP"
"BE HAPPY. YOU'RE ONE DAY CLOSER TO DEATH. OHHHH, SWEET, SWEET DEATH."
"CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP CL

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
A SELF-HELP BOOK.
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
"I'M OK -- YOU'RE MESSED UP."

EVERYONE FOCUSES ON THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN. BUT I THINK THEY'RE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME.
HANG ON.
EXCUSE ME, MA'AM... BUT HOW MANY PAIRS OF SHOES DO YOU OWN?
FIVE HUNDRED AND ELEVEN.
DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER THEORIES?
WAIT... THAT'S ONLY THE BLACK ONES.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
A NATURE SHOW.
WHAT'S THIS ONE ABOUT?
A CRASH OF RHINOS.
LET'S HOPE EVERYONE'S OKAY.

THIS STUPID E-MAIL ACCOUNT...
I CHECK IT ALL THE TIME AND ALL I GET IS SPAM, SPAM, SPAM...

DO ZEBRAS AND LIONS EVER MARRY?
NO, PIG. IT'S A LITTLE DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO EAT YOU.
WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE COMPROMISES.

I JUST SAW THIS SHOW ON THE WORLD'S MOST AMAZING COINCIDENCES.

DID THEY HAVE THE ONE ABOUT LOU GEHRIG?

WHICH ONE IS THAT?

THE FACT THAT HE DIED FROM "LOU GEHRIG'S DISEASE."

I MEAN... WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

WHO ARE ALL THESE GUYS?
IMMIGRANTS...THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY, SO I'M SENDING BACK THE FOREIGNERS.
LET'S SEE NOW...WHO ARE YOU?
JACQUES...I AM FRENCH...
I'M BRINGING ANTOINE, FROM FRANCE, BACK TO YOU, MONSIEUR OU.
I'M TONY...I'M ITALIAN.
ITALIAN, HUH...AYE, ITALY, OFF YOU GO, GEPPETTO.
I'M YANNI...I'M GREEK...
GREEK, GREEK...AHH, FROM GREECE. SO LONG, SOCRATES.
CHIEF EAGLE CLOUD. SIOUX.
SIOUX...SIOUX... WAIT A MINUTE...I DON'T HAVE YOU ON MY LIST.........
LOOOOOOOOOOVE THAT FETA CHEESE.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
'RAT'S BOOK OF MAXIMS.'
READ ONE.
"CHEATERS NEVER PROSPER...UNLESS THEY'RE SUBTLE ABOUT IT, IN WHICH CASE THEY CAN LIVE QUITE COMFORTABLY."
I DON'T WANT TO DISCOURAGE EVERYBODY.

HOBART, THE MINIATURE TRAIN ENGINEER
I'M SIX INCHES TALL... I HAVE NO JOB... MY WIFE LYDIA IS LEAVING ME FOR A GUY NAMED PHIL.
PHIL'S MOVED IN... I'M LIVING IN THE MICROWAVE. OKAY, LIFE, I'VE TAKEN YOUR BEST SHOT, AND I'M STILL STANDING!! HAHAHA!!! LITTLE HOBART FARILLO IS A SURVIVOR!!!!
GEE, PHIL, THIS POPCORN IS TERRIFIC.
THANKS, LYDIA. YOUR MICROWAVE WORKS GREAT.

HOBART, THE MINIATURE TRAIN ENGINEER
YOU CAN'T JUST KICK ME OUT, LYDIA... I'M STILL YOUR HUSBAND.
WELL, YOU CAN'T STAY HERE... MY BOYFRIEND PHIL IS MOVING IN.
LISTEN, I'LL TAKE PART OF THE HOUSE, AND YOU TAKE PART OF THE HOUSE. WE WON'T EVEN SEE EACH OTHER.
I'D COMPLAIN, BUT I'M AFRAID SHE'LL HIT "DEFROST."

HOBART, THE MINIATURE TRAIN ENGINEER
LISTEN, HOBART, I KNOW YOU JUST LOST YOUR JOB, BUT I'M AFRAID I HAVE MORE BAD NEWS.
WHAT IS IT?
I'M SEEING SOMEONE ELSE.
YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME?? HOLY G#$%*+!!! HOW COULD MY LIFE GET ANY WORSE??!
KISS ME, GORGEOUS.
HOLD ON. I THINK I STEPPED ON A GRAPE.

HI, HONEY... I'M HOME.
HI, HOBART... HOW WAS WORK?
BAD... THEY LAID ME OFF.
THEY WHAT?? THAT'S OUR ONLY SOURCE OF INCOME! OH, HOBART, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO??
WE'VE ALWAYS GOT EACH OTHER.

IT SAYS HERE THAT THE TOWN'S MINIATURE TRAIN CLUB IS DISBANDING.
GEEZ... ALL THOSE TRAIN GUYS WILL LOSE THEIR JOBS.
YOU DUMB PIG... THEY'RE TOY TRAINS. THEY DON'T HAVE EMPLOYEES.
MIND IF I BORROW THE WANT ADS?

RAT'S GUIDE TO GOOD LIVING
Today's Lesson:
"Avoiding the Hug Precedent"
YOU ARE WITH A GROUP OF PEOPLE... YOU SPOT SOMEONE YOU JUST MET... AND, SUDDENLY, YOU ALL SORT OF KNOW... HEY, IT'S BOB.
THOUGHTLESSLY, A MEMBER OF YOUR GROUP HUGS THIS INDIVIDUAL, THEREBY SETTING THE HUG PRECEDENT... EACH MEMBER OF YOUR GROUP MUST NOW HUG THIS PERSON, OR RISK LOOKING RUDE!
TO AVOID THIS DIFFICULT SITUATION, SIMPLY FOLLOW THESE EASY STEPS...

FIRST, SHAKE YOUR BODY VIOLENTLY.
SECOND, ROLL YOUR EYES WAY BACK INTO YOUR HEAD.
THIRD, FALL TO THE FLOOR AND LAY VERY STILL.
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE NOW FAKING YOUR OWN DEATH!
WITH ANY LUCK, THE GROUP WILL DECIDE TO NOT HUG SOMEONE WHO HAS SEEMINGLY DIED, AND WILL MOVE ON TO SOMEONE WEE BEFORE SEEING YOU AND WON'T THEN WANT TO WATCH.
WHEN YOU'RE SURE EVERYONE IS GONE, GET UP SLOWLY AND LEAVE.
AVOID STRAGGLERS.
YOU'RE OKAY!

THE KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL LIFE IS TO WRITE YOUR OWN EULOGY... THEN YOU CAN BE REMEMBERED HOW YOU WANT.
YEAH... AND TO BE REALLY SAFE, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GIVE IT YOURSELF SO THAT... UH... OH, WAIT...
"HE WAS A STUPID PIG."

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
SOME CONTEST WHERE GUYS STAND IN FRONT OF A MOVING BUS.
THE GUY WHO WAITS THE LONGEST BEFORE JUMPING OUT OF THE WAY WINS.
THERE AREN'T A LOT OF REPEAT CHAMPIONS.

I'M GOING TO SEE AN AVANT-GARDE PLAY TONIGHT.
WHAT'S AVANT-GARDE?
IT'S FRENCH FOR "BAD."

MY BACK HURTS. I THINK I NEED A PROFESSIONAL MASSAGE.
OH, I KNOW A GOOD MISOGYNIST.
YOU'RE THINKING OF A WOMAN-HATER.
YOU KNOW HIM?

I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME A GREAT ARTIST. THE FIRST STEP IS TO BEGIN A SLOW DESCENT INTO MADNESS.
WHEN DOES THAT HAPPEN?
WHEN YOU START HEARING VOICES IN YOUR HEAD.
GEEZ, I THINK IT'S HAPPENING TO ME.
YOU'RE HEARING VOICES?
THERE. IT HAPPENED AGAIN.
YOU STUPID PIG.
OH, AND THEY'RE RUDE, JUST LIKE YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?
CHI CHI BEER.
WHY ARE YOU DRINKING THAT?
... BECAUSE I LOOKED TO THE HEAVENS AND GOD TOLD ME TO DRINK CHI CHI BEER.
ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'LL TELL HIM ABOUT SKYWRITING.

FOR MY REPORT ON WORLD WAR TWO TONIGHT, I BROUGHT ALONG A VISUAL AID.
IT'S A LUFFA. I GOT IT FROM MY SHOWER.
YOU MAY SAY, "WHAT'S A LUFFA HAVE TO DO WITH IT?" ... WELL, LET ME TELL YOU....
THE LUFFA WAS THE GERMANS' PRIMARY MEANS OF ATTACKING OTHER NATIONS... THE DREADED LUFFA WAS --
UH... PIG?...
YES, PROFESSOR CONLEY?
THE GERMANS ATTACKED WITH THE LUFTWAFFE, WHICH WAS THEIR AIR FORCE. THEY DIDN'T ATTACK ANYONE WITH LUFFAS.
BACK SCRUB, ANYONE?

I LOVE THIS CHINESE RESTAURANT BECAUSE I ALWAYS GET GREAT FORTUNE COOKIES.
LOOK AT MINE... "SUCCESS WILL FOLLOW YOUR EVERY ENDEAVOR"... HEH HEH... READ YOURS, PIG...
THAT CHICKEN YOU ATE WAS NO CHICKEN.
HEY... LET'S VISIT THAT PET STORE NEXT DOOR.

DID WE GET ANY MAIL?
NO.
DID ANYONE CALL?
NO.
ANY FAXES?
NO.
ANY E-MAIL?
NO.
AS OUR MEANS OF COMMUNICATION GROW, SO DOES MY AWARENESS THAT I HAVE NO FRIENDS.

WHERE WERE YOU?
I RAN TO THE OCEAN.
WHY'D YOU RUN THERE?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE WATER GOES.
YOU NEED TO STOP DROPPING YOUR KEYS DOWN THE TOILET.
MAYBE WE COULD MOVE CLOSER TO THE COAST.