Pearls Before Swine | Search

I RECENTLY REALIZED THAT NOTHING CAN SCREW UP YOUR LIFE LIKE DREAMS THAT DON'T COME TRUE.
SO I'VE INVENTED THIS... THE DREAM SUPPRESSOR. A COLLAR THAT DELIVERS A MASSIVE ELECTRICAL JOLT WHENEVER YOU DREAM.
HOW ABOUT JUST GETTING A MORTGAGE AND A JOB LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?
I SAID SUPPRESS, NOT ELIMINATE.

LAST WEEK I LOST A TOOTH.
THAT'S NICE.
...BUT I LEFT IT UNDER MY PILLOW AND THE TOOTH FAIRY GAVE ME A DOLLAR.
SO?
WELL, IF THERE WERE A HAIR FAIRY, YOU'D BE RICH.

WHAT'S THE WORST PART ABOUT BEING A ZEBRA?
THE KNOWLEDGE THAT NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO IN LIFE, SOME PREDATOR WILL EVENTUALLY EAT EVERY LAST BIT OF YOU.
WHAT'S THE BEST PART?
CHEAP FUNERALS.

RAT, THE FORTUNE TELLER
WHAT IS MY FUTURE, RAT THE MAGNIFICENT?
SOMEONE WILL SCAM YOU OUT OF ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS.
NEXT!

HOW WAS YOUR JOB INTERVIEW?
GOOD. I THINK I IMPRESSED HIM WITH MY NEW RESUME.
YOU CHANGED YOUR RESUME?
YEAH, BUT NOTHING MAJOR... I JUST PADDED IT A LITTLE.
SO... HOW LONG WERE YOU ...... POPE?
JUST LONG ENOUGH TO HATE THE FUNNY HAT.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE LAST TIME THE CHICAGO CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES, MARK TWAIN WAS STILL ALIVE?
HE MUSTA BEEN A HECKUVA PLAYER.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, IF THEY HAVEN'T WON SINCE HE DIED, THAT TELLS ME HE MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY VALUABLE PLAYER.
HE NEVER EVEN PLAYED.
THEN THAT’S A PRETTY POOR EXCUSE.

ALL RIGHT, PIG, TAKE THESE STONES AND SPELL OUT A MESSAGE FOR A PLANE TO SEE.
WHAT SHOULD IT SAY?
USE YOUR BRAIN, YOU STUPID PIG.
LOOK AT THAT, BOB... WE'RE SAVING A COUPLE OF PERVS.
USE YOR BRA

HOT DOGS! GET YOUR RED HOT DOGS HERE!!
RAT, WE'RE SAVED! IT'S THE HOT DOG MAN!!
YES! YES!! WE'RE STARVING... WE'LL TAKE TWO
THAT'LL BE FOUR DOLLARS
HERE'S A FIVE
OOOOHH... SORRY, PAL... EXACT CHANGE ONLY
HOT DOGS! GET YOUR RED HOT DOGS HERE!!

ALL RIGHT, PIG, I PUT A NOTE IN THIS BOTTLE SAYING THERE'S A STRANDED RAT AND PIG ON THIS ISLAND. SOMEONE WILL FIND IT AND WE'LL BE SAVED.
POOR GUYS.

OH, PLEEEEEESE, BOB, JUST BEND
THE RULES THIS ONCE, BOB. JUST
THIS ONCE, BOB...OH, PLEEESE,
BOB...SQUAAAWK...

NOW I'M SURE THEY'LL CANCEL THE SHUFFLEBOARD TOURNAMENT

DID YOU HEAR THAT RAT AND PIG WENT ON A CRUISE ?
YEAH... ONE OF THOSE REALLY CHEAP ONES... HOPE IT TURNS OUT OKAY.
...LET'S NOT LET THIS RUIN AN OTHERWISE GREAT TRIP...

RAT, THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR
LEMME MAKE SURE I UNDERSTAND YOUR PROBLEM, MA'AM.
YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND ARE SWANS, WHICH MEANS YOU'RE TOGETHER FOR LIFE, BUT YOUR HUSBAND, HERE, WANTS THE FREEDOM OF BEING A DOG, SO HE'S PRETENDING HE'S A DOG.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHAT'S YOUR TAKE ON THIS, SIR?
DOGS ARE ALLOWED TO ROAM FREE AND HAVE FUN EVERY NIGHT OF THEIR LIVES...IT'S ONE NEVER-ENDING PARTY WITH THE LADIES.
HOOEY!…LIKE THAT'S A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO THROW AWAY EVERYTHING WE HAVE AND EVERYTHING WE'VE EVER WORKED FOR...
YOU LOST ME AT "HOOEY."

HOW'S YOUR FRIEND, CHUCKIE THE SHEEP?
NOT GOOD. HE HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP LATELY.
WHAT'S HE DO WHEN HE CAN'T SLEEP?
ONE...TWO...THREE...

HOW CAN
I HELP
YOU,
MA'AM?
IT'S MY
HUSBAND.
HE WANTS TO
BE A DOG
INSTEAD OF
A SWAN.
WHY
IS
THAT?
BECAUSE SWANS MATE
FOR LIFE, AND HE
WANTS THE FREEDOM
THAT COMES WITH
BEING A DOG.
IS THAT TRUE, SIR?

I'M LEAVING MY WIFE.
YOU CAN'T. YOU'RE A SWAN! SWANS MATE FOR LIFE.
WHAT? THAT'S RIDICULOUS... YOU HAVE A NEW PARTNER EVERY NIGHT.
I'M A DOG. WE CAN DO THAT.
IS THERE A REASON YOU KEEP BARKING, DEAR?

OOOOOOOOoo... BRAIN FREEZE...
YEAH, YOU GOTTA WATCH HOW FAST YOU DRINK THESE ICE SLUSHIES.
I HAVEN'T DRANK ANY.

MY WIFE'S CHEATING ON ME!!
MY WIFE'S CHEATING ON ME!!
MY WIFE'S CHEATING ON ME!!
CUCKOLD CLOCK.

HI, PIG... WELCOME TO OUR PARTY.
I WISH I HAD BEEN NICER TO MY FATHER.
I WISH I’D KISSED THAT FRENCH GIRL.
I WISH I HAD —
PIG... WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WHAT DOES "REGRETS ONLY" MEAN?

FOR YOUR ASSIGNMENT TONIGHT, PEOPLE, I ASKED EACH OF YOU TO WRITE AN ANONYMOUS, INSPIRATIONAL MESSAGE AND PUT IT IN THIS JAR.
WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO NOW IS READ SOME OF THOSE MESSAGES TO THE CLASS...
"OPEN THE KEY TO YOUR HEART AND SOAR FROM YOUR SPIRIT
SOAR AMONG THE BUTTERFLIES!"
"CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP CLAP"
"SING YOUR SONGS ON THE RAINBOW
AND LEAP OVER THE CLOUDS."
"CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP"
"LIFE IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD. SAYAN EREV SEY?"
"CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP"
"SHINE AS BIG AS THE SUN AND KNOW MUSIC FILLS YOUR HEART."
"CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP"
"BE HAPPY. YOU'RE ONE DAY CLOSER TO DEATH. OHHHH, SWEET, SWEET DEATH."
"CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP
CLAP CLAP CL

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
A SELF-HELP BOOK.
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
"I'M OK -- YOU'RE MESSED UP."

EVERYONE FOCUSES ON THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN. BUT I THINK THEY'RE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME.
HANG ON.
EXCUSE ME, MA'AM... BUT HOW MANY PAIRS OF SHOES DO YOU OWN?
FIVE HUNDRED AND ELEVEN.
DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER THEORIES?
WAIT... THAT'S ONLY THE BLACK ONES.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
A NATURE SHOW.
WHAT'S THIS ONE ABOUT?
A CRASH OF RHINOS.
LET'S HOPE EVERYONE'S OKAY.

THIS STUPID E-MAIL ACCOUNT...
I CHECK IT ALL THE TIME AND ALL I GET IS SPAM, SPAM, SPAM...

DO ZEBRAS AND LIONS EVER MARRY?
NO, PIG. IT'S A LITTLE DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO EAT YOU.
WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE COMPROMISES.