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SIR, THE CUSTOMER AT TABLE TWELVE HAS REJECTED ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINE.
WHAT? THAT LAST BOTTLE WAS A 1961 BORDEAUX, IS HE INSANE?
THEY THINK I CAN'T READ THE EXPIRATION DATE, BUT I CAN.

I HEAR PIG JOINED A PEN PAL SERVICE.
YEAH. THEY PAIRED HIM UP WITH SOME INDIAN FARMER FROM CHIAPAS, MEXICO.
CHIPAS, MEXICO? THOSE INDIANS ARE ENGAGED IN A BRUTAL GUERILLA WAR TO OVERTHROW THE MEXICAN GOVERNMENT - WHAT'D PIG SAY TO HIM?
...AND MY FAVORITE CHARACTER IS ROSS, BUT IT USED TO BE CHANDLER.

GEEZ, THIS COMEDY CLUB IS EMPTY. WHAT'S GOING ON?
IT'S BOB HOPE NIGHT. HE'S THE SAME ACT EVERY NIGHT FOR FIFTY YEARS.
HEY, GOAT, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I'M SELLING IT... THEY'VE BEEN SHOWING THE SAME MOVIE AND TELLING THE SAME JOKES SINCE THE 1950S.
WHY YOU CLOSING DOWN THE MOVIE THEATER?
I GUESS PEOPLE GOT SICK OF SEEING "GONE WITH THE WIND" FOR SIXTY-THREE YEARS STRAIGHT.
GEE...WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I JUST HAD THE SCARIEST DREAM. RERUNS OF POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT WERE DYING BECAUSE EVERYBODY KEPT REMAKING THE SAME STUFF FOR OVER FIFTY YEARS.
THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE. HERE, HAVE A PICK OF THE SUNDAY FUNNIES... THAT OUGHTA CHEER YOU UP.
AAHH
HEH HEH HEH... WILL YA LOOK AT THAT CRAZY DAGWOOD...

I'VE STARTED A CATALOG BUSINESS, BUT I ONLY HAVE TWO PRODUCTS.
WHAT ARE THEY?
ONE IS A LAWN MOWER EQUIPPED WITH A VIDEO SCREEN THAT SHOWS THE 'SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT VIDEO'.
WHAT'S THE OTHER?
PROSTHETIC FEET.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO GET THIS SHORT, ANGRY, STUPID ELF IN THIS ENVELOPE.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
BECAUSE I'M ENTERING THIS SWEEPSTAKES AND TO WIN, YOU GOTTA INCLUDE ONE OF THESE WITH YOUR SUBMISSION.
PIG ... S.A.S.E. STANDS FOR "SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE."
D'YOU HEAR THAT, LARRY?... YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M IN THE FETAL POSITION. LIFE IS OVERWHELMING AND I'M NOT DEALING WITH IT VERY WELL.
THAT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME. YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD A PRETTY DARK NATURE. BUT SINCE WHEN DOES PIG HAVE TROUBLE COPING?
SINCE HE TRIPPED OVER ME.
I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M CURLED UP IN THE FETAL POSITION. I'VE DETERMINED THAT THIS IS THE BEST WAY OF COPING WITH LIFE.
HOW DOES IT HELP?
BECAUSE THIS WAS OUR POSITION IN THE WOMB, AND WHEN WE WERE IN THE WOMB, WE FELT SAFE AND SECURE.
WHEN I WAS IN THE WOMB, THERE WERE SIX PIGLETS KICKING ME IN THE HEAD.
LIE DOWN. I THINK I CAN HELP.

LOOK AT THIS SHOW ON HOW JAPANESE PEOPLE LIVE IN THESE TINY APARTMENTS.
GOSH, CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING TO LIVE IN A LITTLE BOX LIKE THAT?
SUDDENLY, I FEEL VERY CLAUSTROPHOBIC.

I JUST FORMED A CLUB. TO BE A MEMBER, YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE SECRET WORD.
OH, TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME.
PSST PSST PSST PSST PSST
...AND THE SECRET PASSWORD IS “WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU, YOU DUMB @#*!@*@ PIG.”

GEE, MARY ANNE, I DIDN'T THINK YOUR FATHER WOULD EVER LET YOU TAKE ME OUT ON A DATE.
YEAH, HE'S VERY PROTECTIVE OF ME. AND HE'S GOT A TERRIBLE TEMPER.
DOES HE EVER LET YOU GO ANYWHERE?
HE LETS ME GO TO MY GOLF TOURNAMENTS.
YEAH, I JUST GOT BACK FROM A TOUR-NAMENT WHERE I GOLFED REALLY WELL. THEY GAVE ME THIS COMMEMORATIVE GOLF TEE.
LOOK AT THAT... THEY MANAGED TO PRINT RIGHT ON THE SIDE.
YEAH, THEY OOPS... I DROPPED IT...
GOSH, WHERE'D IT GO?
I DON'T SEE ANY-WHERE... OH WELL. IT'S OKAY... WE NEED TO GET GOING...
WELL, THANKS FOR A GREAT NIGHT, MARY ANNE.
IT'S ABOUT TIME... YOU'RE TWO MINUTES LATE.
SORRY, SIR... WE LOST TRACK OF TIME... BUT YOUR DAUGHTER HERE LOST HER VIRGINIA TEE...
...GEEZ, YOU'D THINK I TOOK IT.

WHAT'S WITH THE CROWN?
I AM THE PHILOSOPHER KING... ASK ME A QUESTION.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR STUPID GAMES.
QUESTIONS END IN QUESTION MARKS.
DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?
MUCH BETTER.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES, I'D LIKE TO RETURN THIS BOOK IT DOESN'T BELONG TO ME.
WHO DOES IT BELONG TO?
IT'S FOR BOB.
WHAT'S A DEDICATION PAGE?

I DON'T TRUST OUR NEW NEIGHBOR.
YOU MEAN JOEY, THE DANCE INSTRUCTOR?
YEAH... I THINK HE BROKE INTO OUR HOUSE AND STOLE SOME OF MY C.D.'S.
ARE YOU SURE IT WAS HIM?
I'M FAIRLY CERTAIN.

... SO THEN THE GUY SAYS TO ME...
YOU HAVE TEN MINUTES TO FINISH THIS STORY.
NEVER DATE A METER MAID.

I HEAR RAT AND YOUR NEIGHBOR FLOYD ARE FRIENDS AGAIN.
YEAH, THEY FIGURED IT WAS DUMB TO END THE WORLD OVER KONKWATS.
WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO WITH THOSE NUCLEAR MISSILES IN THEIR BACKYARDS?
I THINK FLOYD’S WIFE HAD AN IDEA.

THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE, FLOYD. EITHER ELIMINATE YOUR WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION OR ELSE...
OR ELSE WHAT?
I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH MY WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION.
...DID I MENTION THAT GOD IS ON MY SIDE?

PIG SPOKE TO GOD.
HOW'D HE DO THAT?
HE SAID HE GOT IN HIS CAR AND JUST
STARTED DRIVING…THEN HE ASKED GOD
A QUESTION AND THIS VOICE ANSWERED.
WHAT'D HE ASK?
WHETHER PRAYER
COULD ACTUALLY
CHANGE THINGS.
WHAT'D
GOD
SAY?
"Dude, I just make the tacos."
...AND WHY DO BAD THINGS
HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?

LISTEN, FLOYD, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO POSSESS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.
WHY NOT? YOU'VE GOT ONE.
BECAUSE I AM RESPONSIBLE AND I LOVE PEACE.
YOU THREATENED TO DROP IT ON ME BECAUSE MY KUMQUAT TREE WAS DROPPING KUMQUATS ON YOUR LAWN!
I LOVE PEACE, NOT KUMQUATS.

DID YOU HEAR THAT RAT HAS THE BOMB?
THE BOMB? WHAT'S HE GONNA DO WITH IT?
DROP IT ON OUR NEIGHBOR FLOYD. THEY'RE FIGHTING OVER KUMQUATS.
WHAT?? THAT'S INSANE. WHAT'S YOUR NEIGHBOR GONNA DO?
ooooOOOOOOOoo. oOOhhh... wook AT DA' wittle KUMQUATS.

THERE'S A POLICE OFFICER AT THE DOOR. HE SAYS HE'S GOTTEN REPORTS OF YOU THREATENING NEIGHBORS WITH A NUCLEAR MISSILE AND HE WANTS TO KNOW IF IT'S TRUE.
NO.
NO.

HELLO, SWEETIE... CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?
THAT'S MY WIFE, @#!#@#!
HOW 'BOUT WE STEP OUTSIDE SO I CAN POUND YOUR FACE?
YOU FEELIN' LUCKY?

WHAT DO YOU WANT, RAT?
LISTEN, FLOYD...YOUR KUMQUAT TREE KEEPS DROPPING KUMQUATS ON MY G%#@*ED LAWN.
WELL, PICK 'EM UP, THEN...I'M YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR, NOT YOUR G%#@*ED GARDENER
I'VE GOT THE BOMB, FLOYD.

IT SAYS HERE IN THE PAPER THAT THE RUSSIANS ARE SELLING OFF THEIR STOCKPILE OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS.
GEEZ, THAT'S SCARY... IMAGINE ALL THE NUTBALLS THAT ARE GONNA GET THEIR HANDS ON ONE OF THOSE THINGS.
THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN.

WHO ARE THESE GUYS?
IT'S MY WAGON O'SHAME... I TAKE ALL THE BAD DRIVERS I FIND AND STICK THEM IN HERE...
YEAH, I'M CLAUDE. I DRIVE PAINFULLY SLOW IN THE LEFT LANE BECAUSE I LOVE TO MAKE EVERYONE PASS AROUND ME.
I'M RICHARD... I TURN MY BLINKER ON ONLY AFTER I'VE SLOWED WAY DOWN AND STARTED TURNING... IT'S ALWAYS FUNNY TO WATCH PEOPLE SLAM ON THEIR BRAKES.
AND I'M FLOYD. I'M AN UNSTABLE, VIOLENT NUTBALL WHO JUST ESCAPED FROM THE MAXIMUM SECURITY WING AT STATE PRISON.
WAIT A MINUTE... WHAT'S THAT LAST GUY HAVE TO DO WITH DRIVING?
NOTHING.
YO, %$#@&*... WHICH ONE OF YOU TWO DOUBLE-CROSSED MOTHER&$@&*. JUST KICKED IN MY @#%&** BACK?

DID YOU SEND THAT BEREAVEMENT CARD TO OLD MAN HUDSON FOR ME?
YOU MEAN THE GRADUATION CARD.
NO, I DON'T...THE GRADUATION CARD WAS FOR THE BROWNS.
OH, WELL...IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.
"CONGRATULATIONS ON PUTTING ALL THAT HARD WORK BEHIND YOU...NOW YOUR LIFE BEGINS!"