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THIS BOOK SAYS THAT MARK TWAIN WAS BORN THE YEAR OF HALLEY'S COMET AND PREDICTED HE WOULD DIE WHEN IT RETURNED.
HOW SAD.
WHY IS THAT SAD?
HE GOT HIT BY A COMET.
IT DIDN'T HIT HIM.
THAT'S ONE HAPPY WRONG GUY.

HOW WAS THE BEACH?
NOT GOOD... SOME GUYS BURIED ME IN THE SAND.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?... IT'S JUST A HARMLESS BEACH GAME.
LOW TIDE, DUDE.

WILL YOU TWO BE NEEDING LOBSTER BIBS WITH YOUR LOBSTER TONIGHT?
NO THANKS... WE'VE ALREADY GOT THEM.
WE DO?
THEY KEEP 'EM IN THE BATHROOM STALLS.

WELL HA HA HA... BEANS ARE GETTING EXPENSIVE.
YOU KNOW... I REALLY DON'T CARE.
IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO INSIST ON TELLING ORDINARY, COMMONPLACE THOUGHTS ALOUD AS A MEANS OF ENGAGING COMPLETE STRANGERS IN CONVERSATION.
IS IT MY FAULT THAT YOU'RE SO MISERABLE AND LONELY THAT YOU'VE GOT TO TALK TO STRANGERS YOU SEE IN A GROCERY STORE? I DIDN'T TALK TO YOU, NOW DID I?
GET A JOB! GET A DOG! GET A LIFE! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE BEING APPROACHED BY WHACKED-OUT LOSERS SEARCHING DESPERATELY FOR HUMAN INTERACTION!
YES, HONEY... THEY'RE EXPENSIVE.
THOSE DARN BEANS! JUST WANNA BEANS!

SENATE HEARINGS INTO "BOX ME IN"
SENATORS, THIS IS A HYPOCRITICAL WITCH-HUNT... FAT PEOPLE EVERYWHERE ARE USING "BOX ME IN" AND GETTING GREAT RESULTS.
SIR, YOU KNOW AND I KNOW THAT YOUR PRODUCT PREYS ON THE VULNERABILITY OF OBESE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE.
I'M HAVING TROUBLE HEARING YOU, SENATOR.
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TURN UP THIS MIKE?

SENATE HEARINGS INTO "BOX ME IN."
SIR, DON'T YOU THINK A PRODUCT THAT TELLS PEOPLE TO PACK THEMSELVES INTO BOXES FOR DAYS WITHOUT FOOD SHOULD COME WITH SOME WARNINGS?
IT DOES, SENATOR. I SPECIFICALLY WARN PEOPLE NOT TO USE "BOX ME IN" WHILE SITTING ON THEIR FRONT PORCH!
WHY IS THAT?
THEY TEND TO GET SHIPPED PLACES.

CONGRESS TODAY OPENED HEARINGS INTO "BOX ME IN," A WEIGHT-LOSS PRODUCT THAT REQUIRES OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE TO SHOVE THEMSELVES INTO A BOX FOR DAYS.
TESTIFYING BEHIND SCREENS TO PROTECT THEIR IDENTITY, CONSUMERS OF "BOX ME IN" PROVIDED SENATORS WITH HEARTBREAKING TALES OF WOE.
I AM A SHADOW OF MY FORMER SELF.

GOAT SAYS YOU'RE EXPLOITING FAT PEOPLE BY SELLING THEM A CARDBOARD BOX THEY HAVE TO SIT IN TO LOSE WEIGHT.
YES... "BOX ME IN" IS SWEEPING THE NATION... SOME PEOPLE ARE BUYING THEM FOR THEIR ENTIRE FAMILY.
I CAN'T SEE THE TV, MOM.
ONLY A FEW MORE DAYS, TIMMY.
MEOW.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE PROMOTING A DIET PLAN THAT INVOLVES SHOVING YOURSELF INTO A CARDBOARD BOX AND STAYING THERE FOR DAYS.
PLEASE. "BOX ME IN" IS A PROVEN WEIGHT-LOSS TECHNIQUE.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THAT AND STARVATION?
ABOUT THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS.

I'VE DECIDED TO EXPLOIT FAT PEOPLE BY CREATING A BOGUS WEIGHT-LOSS SCHEME THAT IN-VOLVES NO EXERCISE AND PROMISES GREAT RESULTS.
WHAT WILL IT BE?
IT'S CALLED "BOX ME IN." I WILL SELL THEM A CARDBOARD BOX AND TELL THEM TO SHOVE THEM-SELVES INSIDE IT UNTIL THEY SEE RESULTS.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
A few days after sealing the box, you will become hungry.
DO NOT BE AFRAID.
The box is WORKING!

Dear Mother,
I just visited a therapist who said I needed to work out some issues with you.
I told him how everything you say to me always contains some sort of subtle criticism.
He said I should tell you how I feel and that you would understand.
He said you probably don’t even realize how often you do it… Thanks, mom, I feel better already.
Dear Monkeybrain,
Could you give me some examples?
Sigh...

LOOK WHAT THIS DUMB GUY WROTE. HE SPELLED COLOR "C-O-L-O-U-R."
HE'S A BRIT, NITWIT.
WHAT'S A BRITNITWIT?
NO, A BRIT... NITWIT...
I... HEARD... YOU... THE... FIRST... TIME...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SHOVING GRAPES UP MY NOSE.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
I RAN OUT OF PEAS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SHOVING PEAS UP MY NOSE.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
JUST PASSING TIME.

I'M HOME.
HOW WAS THE BARBECUE?
NOT SO GOOD... THEY MADE US PLAY A BUNCH OF DUMB GAMES.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
I DON'T LIKE BOBBING FOR BURGERS.

THIS BOOK SAYS THAT IF YOU LET A ROOMFUL OF MONKEYS TYPE FOR INFINITY, THEY'LL EVENTUALLY WRITE THE COMPLETE WORKS OF SHAKESPEARE.
SO? WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO PROVE?
MONKEYS PLAGIARIZE.

WE NEED INSURANCE ON THIS PLACE. CALL AN INSURANCE COMPANY AND GET A QUOTE.
...HAPPY HOMES INSURANCE.
YES, I’D LIKE A QUOTE.
ALRIGHT... LET’S SEE WHAT WE CAN DO FOR YOU.
ALRIGHT... LET’S SEE WHAT WE CAN DO FOR YOU.

WHAT IS THAT?
A LAWYER...I BOUGHT HIM AT A GARAGE SALE.
A GARAGE SALE?
YEAH. THE TOWN'S JUST FILLED WITH THESE GUYS, SO THEY'RE PRACTICALLY GIVIN' 'EM AWAY.
WHAT CAN I DO WITH A LAWYER?
I DUNNO...I WAS THINKING I’D STICK HIM IN THE PASSENGER SEAT SO I CAN USE THE CARPOOL LANE.
...AND WHEN WE’RE AT HOME, I THINK HE’D MAKE A NICE LAMP.
THAT’S GREAT...LEMME TAKE A CLOSER LOOK.
NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO
IT SUED ME.
NEVER PET A STRANGE LAWYER.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I JUST LOST MY WALLET.
HAVE YOU FOUND IT YET?
NO... THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
WELL, COME BACK WHEN YOU'VE FOUND IT AND MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU.
THIS NEW JOB WOULD BE SO EASY IF IT WEREN'T FOR ALL THE VIOLENCE.

MY ZEBRA HERD HAS STARTED DRESSING UP IN COSTUMES TO DISGUISE THEMSELVES FROM THE LIONS.
HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT TOO GOOD... THEY'RE STILL GETTING KILLED.
WHAT ARE THEY DRESSED AS?
GAZELLE.

YOU SPILLED THE SALT, SAMMY... TOSS IT OVER YOUR SHOULDER QUICK OR YOU'LL HAVE BAD LUCK.
I CAN'T SUDS HAVE NO HANDS! YOU DO IT!
HERE!
UGHH!
THAT WASN'T VERY LUCKY.

I HEARD YOU LOST YOUR CITY COUNCIL RACE TO A DEAD GUY.
YEAH. THE VOTE WAS 101,037 TO 1.
WOW. HOW HUMILIATING… THE ONLY VOTE YOU GOT WAS YOUR OWN.
ARE YOU KIDDING? I VOTED FOR THE DEAD GUY.
I HAD SOME TROUBLE WITH THE BUTTERFLY BALLOT.

SIR, IF YOU'RE ADVOCATING THE INVASION OF MEXICO BECAUSE IT'S CLOSE, DO YOU ALSO ADVOCATE THE INVASION OF CANADA?
NO, I DON'T.
WHY NOT, SIR?
BECAUSE IT'S MY UNDERSTANDING WE'VE ALREADY GOT THAT.
NO, SIR...WE JUST PLAY HOCKEY TOGETHER.
HOW ARE THEIR TACOS?

SIR, HOW ARE YOU PLANNING TO ACCOMPLISH THIS INVASION OF MEXICO?
I PLAN ON ARMING THE COLLEGE STUDENTS WHO GO TO CANCUN FOR SPRING BREAK AND GIVING THEM MAPS TO MEXICO CITY....
...BY YOUR SILENCE, I'M GUESSING YOU'D LIKE A SPELLING ON "CANCUN".

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT I'M RAT, AND I'M RUNNING FOR CITY COUNCIL... I'D LIKE YOUR VOTE.
WHY SHOULD I VOTE FOR YOU?
BECAUSE I'M THE ONLY CANDIDATE WHO PROMISES THAT IF ELECTED, I WILL INVADE MEXICO.
INVADE MEXICO? WHY WOULD I WANT YOU TO INVADE MEXICO?
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT EXPECTING IT.
YOU CAN'T INVADE A COUNTRY JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT EXPECTING IT.
I KNOW... THAT'S WHERE THE TACOS COME IN.
THE TACOS?
THEY'VE GOT THE TACOS.
TACOS.
YOU'RE A FEW BEANS SHORT OF A BURRITO.
YES. THEY'VE GOT THOSE TOO.