Pearls Before Swine | Search

I HEAR RATS DATING SOMEONE NEW.
YEAH... THEY CALL HER "CONTROLLING CONNIE."
SO SHE'S ONE OF THOSE REAL CONTROL FREAKS?
OH, I DON'T THINK SHE'S THAT BAD...
YOUR LAST SNEEZE WAS NOT ON OUR SCHEDULE.

BEFORE WE BEGIN THE JOB INTERVIEW, I’D LIKE TO GET A COPY OF YOUR RÉSUMÉ, IF I COULD.
OF COURSE. HERE YOU GO.
THIS IS A COCKTAIL NAPKIN.
YES. I WAS OUT OF PAPER-BUT I SCRIBBLED IMPORTANT STUFF ON THE BACK THERE.
UNDER “EDUCATION,” YOU HAVE NOTHING.
WELL, TO BE HONEST, WHAT I LACK IN EDUCATION, I MAKE UP FOR IN EXPERIENCE.
BUT UNDER “EXPERIENCE,” YOU ALSO HAVE NOTHING.
WELL, THERE’S NOT A LOT OF ROOM TO WRITE ON A COCKTAIL NAPKIN.
SIR, DID YOU FILL OUT ANY OF THESE SECTIONS?
YES. I FILLED OUT THE “INTERESTS” SECTION.
YOU WROTE “ADULT ENTERTAINMENT”?
WELL, I WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SPECIFIC, BUT I RAN OUT OF CRAYON.
...AND THEN HE JUST STARTED CRYING.

I BOUGHT A CHAIR AT THE FURNITURE STORE.
WHY?
BECAUSE I NEED TO TEST ALL OF THE SMOKE ALARMS IN OUR HOUSE.
AND YOU STAND ON A CHAIR?
I SET FIRE TO IT.

Dear C.N.N.,
I like your news, but every now and
then this real deep voice
comes on and says, "THIS..IS
C.N.N!" This raises an obvious
question.
...Why is Darth Vader
doing your promos?
P.S. Please buy some
pants for
Mr. King.

Dear Larry King,
Every time I watch your program, I notice they only show you from the waist up. This leads to an obvious conclusion.
...You're not wearing pants.
P.S. Somewhere a suspender salesman is laughing.

Dear Mr. Peter Jennings,
I have listened to you read this country's news for many years. Yesterday, I found out you are Canadian. This raises an obvious question.
Are you a spy?
P.S. Do not pat Mr. Koppel on the head.

Dear Ted Koppel,
Everyone says you wear a wig. Not me. I think it's a small, furry rodent.
I say this with some confidence because one night when you were doing a story on tobacco farming, a small pinkish hand poked out of your hair and waved hello.
p.s. Please give my regards.

Dear Dan Rather,
Everyone says you're a little nuts.
Not me.
I think you're special...
... like Kenny, the kid down
the block who got hit in
the head by a brick.
P.S. I think you'd
like Kenny.

- The brothers Zorro and Orro stabbed the soldier.
- Zorro made three quick slashes with his sword upon the wall, leaving his trademark "Z." Zorro hopped on his horse and fled.
- Orro made three quick slashes with his sword upon the wall, but it looked nothing like an "O."
- Frantically, Orro made more slashes, but it still looked nothing like an "O."
- Orro turned his face to the heavens and screamed, "Why are O's so @*$&%#$* hard?!" A group of soldiers shot Orro dead.
- Approaching the scene, the soldiers quickly recognized the dreaded mark of Zorro, but were baffled by Orro's "O."
- "Why did this man draw a triangle?" asked the first soldier. "I think it's a star," said the second.
"It's an illegible mess," declared the captain. "Shoot him again for bad penmanship." They shot Orro again.

CABLE'S OUT AGAIN... YOU BETTER CALL THEM.
AWWW... YOUR WITTLE CABLE WABLE JUST WENT POOPSIE WOOPSIE?... WELL, HAVE YOU TRIED...
STICKING IT IN YOUR EAR??!
THEIR CUSTOMER SERVICE IS REALLY IMPROVING.

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY HAD TO DELAY SOME PRISONER'S EXECUTION YESTERDAY.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE THEY WERE GOING TO HANG HIM, BUT SOMEONE FORGOT TO BRING THE ROPE.
WELL, I GUESS NO NOOSE IS GOOD NEWS.
...HE MUST BE PRO-DEATH.

MY ZEBRA HERD HAS CONCLUDED THAT EVERYONE HATES MIMES AND WANTS TO GET RID OF THEM, SO WE'RE GONNA TAKE THOSE UNWANTED MIMES AND STICK THEM ON THE PLAINS.
WHY?
BECAUSE WE THINK THAT ONCE THE LIONS SEE THOSE STRIPED SHIRTS, THEY'LL CHASE THEM INSTEAD OF US, AND THE REST OF SOCIETY WILL APPRECIATE OUR PUTTING THOSE MIMES TO GOOD USE.
... AFTER ALL, A MIME IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE.

THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS... THEY'RE PICKING TEAMS AND THEY'VE CHOSEN INANIMATE OBJECTS AND NOW DEAD PEOPLE OVER YOU.
SONNY BONO
LENNY BRUCE
POPE PIUS II
YEAH, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE RUN OUT OF DEAD PEOPLE, SO THEY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO PICK ME NOW....
CABERNET SAUVIGNON.
PINOT NOIR.
TYPES OF WINE... LET'S GO HOME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT... THEY'RE PICKING TEAMS AND CHOOSING INANIMATE OBJECTS BEFORE THEY PICK YOU.
YEAH, BUT THEY'RE RUNNING OUT... THEY'VE TAKEN ALL THE TREES, STREETLIGHTS AND FIRE HYDRANTS. I'VE GOT TO BE NEXT.
I'LL TAKE... GEORGE BURNS.
WE'LL TAKE LIBERACE.
WOW... DEAD PEOPLE.
NUTS. ARE THERE A LOT OF THEM?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO PLAY TOUCH FOOTBALL...THEY'RE PICKING TEAMS AND I'M THE LAST GUY LEFT.
WELL, AT LEAST IF YOU'RE THE LAST GUY, THEY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO PICK YOU NOW.
...I'LL TAKE THE TREE.
I'LL TAKE THE TELEPHONE POLE.
I'LL TAKE THE BUS HOME.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
IT'S A COPY OF A LETTER I JUST SENT TO PIGITA... I LIKE TO KEEP COPIES.
READ IT TO ME.
"DEAR PIGITA... SOME DAYS YOU ARE NICE TO ME. BUT SOME DAYS YOU ARE MEAN. I'D REALLY LIKE IT IF YOU COULD TRY AND BE MORE CONSISTENT... LOVE, PIG."
...THEN I FORGOT TO SAY SOMETHING SO I ADDED ONE OF THOSE LITTLE THINGS AT THE BOTTOM.
THAT'S CALLED A "P.S."
SO THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED... I COULDN'T REMEMBER EXACTLY... WELL, AT LEAST I CAME CLOSE.
I'M SURE SHE'LL KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT.
P.M.S. IS THAT A PROBLEM FOR YOU?

LOOK AT THIS GUY JUMPING THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY ON A MOTORCYCLE. . I GUESS HE DOESN'T HAVE MONEY FOR THE BRIDGE TOLL.
YOU DUMB PIG... HE'S A STUNTMAN. HE DOES JUMPS LIKE THIS FOR A LIVING.
THEN IT MUST NOT PAY VERY WELL.

I'M REALLY WORRIED... I CAN'T FIND FREDDY OR HIS WIFE ANYWHERE.
DIDN'T SHE SAY SHE WAS GONNA SMASH HIM TO GET THEIR MONEY AND RETIRE AT THE BEACH?
YES, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE THAT... I BELIEVE PEOPLE ARE GOOD AND THAT THEY HAVE GOOD MOTIVES AND THAT THEY LOVE EACH OTHER AND THAT LOVE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD....
...NOW THAT'S A MAI TAI.

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’D SACRIFICE ME JUST TO GET OUR RETIREMENT MONEY. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE YOUR GOLDEN YEARS WITHOUT ME?
BECAUSE I’VE NEVER LOVED YOU AND I GOT MARRIED TOO YOUNG AND I’VE ONLY STAYED WITH YOU OUT OF SHEER LAZINESS.
...AND HERE I THOUGHT IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH LEAVING THE TOILET SEAT UP.

LISTEN, SWEETHEART... I KNOW WE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE SAVING ALL OF OUR RETIREMENT MONEY IN ME, BUT I LOVE YOU AND I KNOW YOU LOVE ME.
...AND I KNOW THAT YOU WOULD NEVER SERIOUSLY CONSIDER SMASHING ME JUST FOR THE SAKE OF A FEW DOLLARS.
WHAT TIME'S YOUR NAP?

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT.. ALL OF OUR RETIREMENT SAVINGS IS IN ME, BUT TO GET IT OUT, I HAVE TO BE SMASHED.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO, HONEY? ALL OF OUR RETIREMENT PLANS - ALL OF OUR DREAMS - ARE RUINED.. AND WE HAD SUCH A WONDERFUL CRUISE PLANNED...
...AND YES, WITH THE EXTRA MONEY, I’D LIKE TO UPGRADE MY CABIN.

DO YOU SAVE ALL YOUR MONEY IN THAT PIGGY BANK?
I DON'T "SAVE" MONEY IN FREDO. I GIVE IT TO HIM, SO HE AND HIS WIFE CAN RETIRE IN COMFORT SOME DAY.
LISTEN, MORON, THE ONLY WAY TO GET MONEY OUT OF THAT STUPID BANK IS TO SMASH IT TO BITS WITH A HAMMER.
NICE KNOWING YOU.

DARLING! DARLING! WAKETH UP! WE HAVE BEEN ASLEEP FOR CENTURIES!
WHAT? WHAT HAS HAPPENETH?
ALAS, IT MUST HAVE BEEN ONE OF MERLIN'S SPELLS. BUT THIS IS NOT IMPORTANT. WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THAT MY JOUSTING RODS ARE LARGER NOW.
LARGER? THOU JESTETH!
NO, MY LADY, AND THEY HAVE END BRUTISH LANCE LIKE TIPS.
WHAT? WE SHALL JOUST, PERHAPS?
INDEED! TELL THE MINSTREL THEY ARE SUPERIOR TO IMPORTETH THIS INFORMATION TO MY SUBJECTS.
HOWETH CAMETH IT THAT THEY CANST BE THAT BIG?
I DO NOT KNOWETH... BUT ALAS, MOST IVER GOOD AS THY CASTLE FOR LACK OPENETH AND CLOSETH OF SUCH AS THOU POSSESSED BY A SPIRITED DEMON.
DEMONS?! AAAH! HUMANS? I CANNOT TAKE ANY MOREETH!!! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
CMON, DUDE. I DON'T MAKE THOSE LITTLE SOUNDS WHEN YOU FART.
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

RAT HAS A NEW PHILOSOPHY... IT'S CALLED "HOW-LOW-CAN-YOU-GO-OLOGY."
WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?
YOU SET YOUR EXPECTATIONS FOR LIFE REALLY LOW... THEN, WHEN THOSE EXPECTATIONS ARE EXCEEDED, YOU CAN BE HAPPY.
HOW LOW DO YOU SET THEM?
... NO NUCLEAR WAR!

I WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO WORRIES.
THEY HAVE A NAME FOR THOSE PEOPLE.
WHAT IS IT?
DEAD.
…THOSE LUCKY STIFFS.