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HI... I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP ME FIND A SELF-HELP BOOK.
OH? WHAT LOSER TRAIT ARE YOU TRYING TO OVERCOME?
I DON'T THINK I'M A LOSER, PAL.
SEEING YOURSELF AS OTHERS SEE YOU... AISLE 6.

HI...I'M LOOKING FOR A BOOK.

THEN WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING ME?
BECAUSE I COULDN'T FIND IT.
THEN EITHER WE DON'T HAVE IT, OR YOU'RE TOO DUMB TO FIND IT.
EITHER WAY, I'D SAY YOU'RE SCREWED.

YEAH, I WAS HOPING YOU
COULD HELP ME FIND A
BOOK.
...AND I WAS HOPING I WOULDN'T
BE APPROACHED BY A HELPLESS
MORON.
I GUESS WE'RE BOTH
DISAPPOINTED.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD PLEASE HELP ME FIND A BOOK.
WE DON’T HAVE IT.
I HAVEN’T TOLD YOU WHAT IT IS.
YOU’RE REALLY TESTING MY PATIENCE. PLEASE LEAVE BEFORE I STRIKE YOU ABOUT THE HEAD.
YOU HANDLED THAT WELL.

I HEAR RAT GOT A NEW JOB AT THE BOOKSTORE.
YEAH, BUT HE SAYS HE DOESN'T LIKE IT BECAUSE HE GETS BOTHERED BY A LOT OF CUSTOMERS' QUESTIONS.
HE SHOULD JUST REFER THEM TO THE INFORMATION DESK. THAT'S WHAT IT'S THERE FOR.
I THINK THAT'S PART OF THE PROBLEM.
DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE GOT A QUESTION, TOO.

...WHEN THE COWBOYS AWOKE IN THE MORNING, THEY NOTICED THEIR GUNSLINGER, MALCOLM, WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. HE HAD BEEN LIKELY KIDNAPPED BY THE DREADED APACHE.
MALC'S GONE.
CURSE THOSE INDIANS.
WE WILL RIDE OUR HORSES TO THEIR CAMP AND ASK IF THEY HAVE MALCOLM SAID THE COWBOY.
HOLD ON SAID JOE THE COWBOY. THOSE INDIANS WILL ASSUME WE'RE HOSTILE ATTACKING AND SHOOT US BEFORE WE GET WITHIN 100 YARDS OF THEIR CAMP.
THEN WHAT CAN WE DO? ASKED FRED.
LISTEN FRED. WITH THE APACHE, YOU HAVE TO SIGNAL YOUR INTENTIONS BY WEARING THE RIGHT FACEPAINT. IF YOU WANT TO SHOW YOU COME IN PEACE, YOU SMEAR WHITE PAINT AROUND YOUR MOUTH.
WEARING THE APPROPRIATE FACEPAINT AND HOPING TO FIND THEIR FRIEND, JOE AND FRED CAREFULLY APPROACHED THE APACHE CAMP, FINALLY COMING FACE-TO-FACE WITH THE APACHE CHIEF, TO WHOM THEY POSED THEIR FATEFUL QUERY.
WHAT WAS IT?
GOT MALC?

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN BEING AN ORGAN DONOR?
I'D LOVE TO, BUT I DON'T OWN ONE.
YOU HAVE MANY.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T?
YOU'RE A MORON.
I KNEW THAT.

SORRY YOU COULDN'T FIND YOUR PSYCHIATRIST.
...ME TOO.
...YOU BOUGHT A BALLOON.
...YEAH... BALLOONS MAKE ME HAPPY.
...YOU WANT TO BE ALONE?
...I GUESS.

WOMP
WOMP
WOMP
WOMP

PIG'S PRETTY DEPRESSED... HE COULDN'T FIND HIS PSYCHIATRIST.
SO WHAT'S HE GONNA DO?
WELL, WHEN HE'S THIS DOWN, THERE'S A PLACE HE GOES TO TO LISTEN TO MUSIC... IT ALWAYS CHEERS HIM UP.
THAT'S GOOD. AT LEAST HE HAS SOMETHING HE CAN COUNT ON.

DID PIG FIND HIS PSYCHIATRIST?
NO. HE WENT BY HER OFFICE, BUT SHE WASN'T IN.
SO WHAT'S HE GONNA DO?
HE'LL KEEP LOOKING. HE SAYS THERE'S ONE OTHER PLACE SHE MIGHT BE.
*SIGH*

MAN, YOU'VE LOOKED REAL DEPRESSED LATELY. YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO THAT PSYCHIATRIST YOU USED TO SEE.
I'VE TRIED TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT, BUT SHE DOESN'T PICK UP HER PHONE.
JUST GO BY THE OFFICE... MAYBE YOU'LL CATCH HER WHILE SHE'S IN.
OKAY... BUT I SURE HOPE SHE'S THERE.
PSYCHIATRIC HELP 5¢
THE DOCTOR IS
RATS.

LET'S DO IT. I WANT THE BEST FOR MY LITTLE WOLFIE.
I'M SORRY, MR. MOZART, BUT YOU JUST DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. YOU DO WRITE SOME PRETTY GOOD MUSIC FOR GREAT BIRD WOMEN THAT CAN ELIMINATE ALL SUGAR IN DOGS.
UMMM... MRS. DAVIS... MILES JUST CAN'T SEEM TO FOCUS IN CLASS. BUT I CAN RECOMMEND A TERRIFIC DRUG THAT CAN MAKE HIM SIT IN CLASS JUST LIKE THE OTHER KIDS.
OH, WHAT A WONDERFUL IDEA.
I'M TELLING YOU, MR. MCCARTNEY, HE JUST SITS IN CLASS AND HALLUCINATES THESE SILLY LOVE SONGS.
OKAY, OKAY... GIVE HIM THE DRUGS. I HATE TO FALL BEHIND.
GIVE HIM THE DRUGS. JUST MAKE SURE HE HAS HIS GUITAR.

I'M GOING TO A WAKE.
WHO?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WHO?"
WHO YOU GOING TO AWAKE?
MY COUSIN DIED.
IT WON'T BE EASY.

THIS IS OUR NEW SUGGESTION BOX. WHEN ONE OF US HAS A LITTLE ISSUE WITH THE OTHER GUY, HE CAN JUST DROP AN ANONYMOUS NOTE IN HERE.
OH, LOOK!... THERE'S ONE IN THERE NOW!
AHHH, YES... IT SAYS, "THE PIG IS A BIG, FAT MORON."
I WISH I KNEW WHO WROTE THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WRITING MY WILL.
WHY?
BECAUSE I GOT TESTED FOR A BUNCH OF FATAL DISEASES AND THE DOCTOR SAID THE RESULTS WERE NEGATIVE.
THAT'S GOOD.
And to the heartless Rat, I bequeath nothing.

SIR, EVER SINCE YOU INSTALLED INK BAGS THAT EXPLODE WHEN AN EMPLOYEE VIEWS ADULT INTERNET SITES, EVERY MALE EMPLOYEE HAS BEEN COVERED IN INK.
I REALIZE THAT.
WELL, AS ONE OF YOUR FEMALE EMPLOYEES, I MUST SAY THAT THIS CONSTANT REMINDER OF MALE PROCLIVITIES IS CREATING A VERY HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT.
REST ASSURED, KIM, WE'RE TAKING THIS VERY SERIOUSLY.
MY NAME'S DORIS.
SORRY, I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOUR VOICE.

I HEAR RAT'S NEW EMPLOYER IS REAL STRICT ABOUT INTERNET USAGE.
YEAH... IF YOU LOOK AT ADULT SITES, AN INKBAG EXPLODES ON YOU.
THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE EXTREME. DO THEY REALLY THINK EMPLOYEES SPEND THEIR DAYS LOOKING AT DIRTY PICTURES?
HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?

RAT GOT A NEW JOB, BUT HE DOESN'T LIKE IT, BECAUSE THEY WON'T LET EMPLOYEES GO ON THE INTERNET.
HOW DO THEY MONITOR THAT?
WELL, IN EXTREME CASES, WHERE EMPLOYEES TRY TO VIEW ADULT SITES, THERE'S AN INK BOMB ATTACHED TO THEIR MONITOR THAT EXPLODES.
WOW... THAT WOULD DETER ANYONE.
...LEAKY PEN.

The Adventures of Detective Bob by Rat
Detective Bob received a telephone call from his old friend, Sherlock Holmes.
I need your help, said Sherlock. . . It's the case of the hooded bandit.
Tell me more, said Bob.
He wears a bedsheet over his head, said Sherlock. . . We haven't a clue who he is.
The solution is elementary, Sherlock. Simply examine the beds of all the townsfolk. The bed of the criminal will have a distinctive feature.
A distinctive feature? asked Sherlock. . . What could that be?
No sheet, Sherlock.

HOW IS EVERYTHING OVER HERE?

I'M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE REACHING THE TABLE.
I COULD GIVE YOU A HIGH CHAIR OR A BOOSTER SEAT.
THAT WOULD BE NICE. WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND?
THE LATTER.
THAT SOUNDS A BIT EXCESSIVE.

DID YOU WIN A PRIZE AT THE COSTUME PARTY FOR YOUR HOSTAGE COSTUME?
NO.
WELL, DID THEY PLAY ANY GAMES YOU DID WELL AT?
NOT REALLY.
WHATDYA KNOW? - THE PIG LOSES ANOTHER ROUND OF CHARADES!
MONKEY?
CHEESE?
PANTS?

DID THE OTHER PEOPLE AT
THE COSTUME PARTY LIKE
YOUR HOSTAGE COSTUME?
I DON’T KNOW…
THEY DIDN’T
SAY MUCH.
…SO… SEEN ANY GOOD
MOVIES LATELY?

HOW WAS THE COSTUME PARTY LAST NIGHT?
NOT SO GOOD. I WENT AS A HOSTAGE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? IT SOUNDS LIKE AN OKAY COSTUME TO ME.
NOPE... NO COSTUME PARTY AT THIS HOUSE.
I'LL NEVER GET THERE.

GOOD PEOPLE SURE ARE HARD TO FIND.
WOMEN LIKE THEIR PRIVACY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, SOMEONE CARVED THIS HOLE IN THE WOMEN'S GYM WALL AND WHEN THE WOMEN FOUND OUT THEY WERE BEING SPYED ON, THEY GOT RID OF THE HOLE.
I SAID "PEOPLE," NOT "PEEPHOLE."
I THINK ALL PEEPHOLES ARE BAD.