Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'M SO TIRED OF THIS STUPID DINER. WE NEVER HAVE FOOD ON OUR PLATES.
YEAH... WHY IS THAT?
IT'S PASTIS. HE CAN'T DRAW FOOD. WELL, <GASP> IT! I'M LEAVING. I WANNA BE IN A STRIP WHERE THE GUY CAN DRAW.
WHERE YOU GONNA GO?

DON'T MOCK AL GORE!
WHAT ARE YOU YELLING ABOUT?
AL GORE'S GIVING A SPEECH AND THIS GUY BEHIND HIM IS MOCKING HIM WITH HAND GESTURES.
I'M NOT EVEN POLITICAL, BUT THIS IS JUST OFFENSIVE.
YOU DUMB PIG...THAT GUY IS DOING THAT FOR DEAF PEOPLE.
OH.
WHAT DO DEAF PEOPLE HAVE AGAINST AL GORE?

WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
WE'RE TALKING ON OUR FRONT LAWN.
I'M TALKING ON A GRAND SCALE.
YOU'RE TALKING ON THE FRONT LAWN.
I'M TALKING TO AN IDIOT.
BUT NOT ON A GRAND SCALE.

DEAR OLYMPIC COMMITTEE,
LIKE ALL RIGHT-THINKING MEN,
I FIND WOMEN'S FIGURE-SKATING BORING.
THUS, I HAVE A SUGGESTION.

HIRE SOME N.H.L. ENFORCERS AND HIDE THEM OUTSIDE THE RINK...AT RANDOM MOMENTS, HAVE THEM JUMP OUT AND POP SOME OF THOSE ICE QUEENS INTO THE BOARDS.

P.S. THIS MAY AFFECT SCORING.

Dear Hurt,
You are not alone. Zebras are sensitive, caring beings, and it hurts to be laughed at. You should tell the hyenas how you feel.
OH, YEEEESSS... TELL 'DEM HOW YOU FEEEEL...
HAHAHAHA!! SEND ANOTHER!! SEND ANOTHER!!

To: Ask Zebra
From: Worried Zebra
Subj: Fears
Lions are staring at me.
I think I'm going to die.
Dear Worried,
There really is no need
for such gloom. You just
need to smile more.
Remember, smile and
the world smiles
with you…
…Are you smiling? :)

To: Ask Zebra
From: Concerned Zebra
Subj: Problem
Althow Ime a zebra, I lives in an alligator swampe. I am stuk at the bottom... Pleezse send sumwon to jump in and savye mee.
Dear Concerned Zebra,
Hang on, my friend!! I will contact all the zebras I know and they will rush to the swamp to save you!
THAT WAS EASY.

I HEARD YOU STARTED AN ONLINE ADVICE COLUMN TO HELP YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS ON THE PLAINS.
YEAH, AND I ALREADY GOT MY FIRST E-MAIL FROM A ZEBRA.
LET'S HEAR IT.
f;xfd=5df56d4 %*f;TFf% %GHUYTjhkjs UGTY*&KL 78=oiuvoiuh
... IT'S HARD TO TYPE WITH HOOVES.

AT MY BARBER SHOP,
THERE ARE TWO BARBERS,
JIM AND EDWIN.
JIM IS A GOOD BARBER...
EDWIN, ON THE OTHER HAND,
IS THIS NINETY-YEAR-OLD
GUY WHOSE HANDS SHAKE
REAL BAD.
EVERY TIME A NEW CUSTOMER COMES IN,
OLD EDWIN STANDS UP, DUSTS OFF HIS
CHAIR, AND SAYS "HI! R U?"...AND EVERY
TIME, THE CUSTOMER REPLIES, "SORRY,
I'M WAITING FOR JIM."
SO EDWIN JUST SITS BACK
DOWN IN HIS OWN BARBER
CHAIR, OPENS UP HIS NEWSPAPER,
AND WAITS FOR THE
NEXT GUY.
BUT THIS GOES ON ALL DAY, SEE, MAKING
THE SITUATION PROGRESSIVELY MORE SAD
FOR EDWIN, BECAUSE EACH NEW CUSTOMER
CHOOSES THIS LONG LINE OVER EDWIN.
ISN'T THAT JUST WATCHING
THIS EDWIN GUY GETTING
REJECTED LIKE THAT?
YEAH, BUT WHAT ARE YA
GONNA DO? RISK GETTING
A TERRIBLE HAIRCUT JUST
TO MAKE SOME OLD
GEEZER HAPPY?
THAT TIP WAS WAY TOO BIG.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY NEW SUPPORT GROUP... IT'S ME, BOB THE FIRE HYDRANT AND SKIPPY THE WEENIE DOG.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
WE BUILD UP EACH OTHER'S SELF-ESTEEM THROUGH MUTUAL RESPECT AND UNDERSTANDING.
HOW'S IT GOING?
IT'LL BE BETTER ONCE WE INSTALL THE PORTA-POTTY.

THIS WRITER IS A MASTER OF IRONY.
MY MOM WAS PRETTY GOOD AT THAT.
WAS SHE A WRITER?
I DON'T THINK SO.
THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
MY SHIRTS LOOKED GREAT.

WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES ON SATURDAY?
I CAN'T.
I HAVE TO BUY A C.D.
A C.D.?... HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO BUY A C.D.?
AN HOUR...
...BUT IT TAKES ANOTHER SIX TO GET THE WRAPPING OFF.

I HAVE FOUNDED A NEW RELIGION... IT IS CALLED DOOMEDSHEEPANITY.
HOW'S IT WORK?
YOU SIN ALL YOU WANT... THEN, JUST BEFORE YOU DIE, YOU KILL A SHEEP. THE SHEEP ATONES FOR YOUR SINS, AND YOU HAD A GREAT LIFE.
WE WERE LESS THAN CANDID WITH OUR FIRST RECRUIT.

WHERE IS PIG TODAY?
HE SAID HE BOUGHT SOMETHING AT THE STORE AND WAS HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE DIRECTIONS.
ONE OF THOSE REAL HIGH-TECH ITEMS?
HE DIDN'T SAY.
LATHER. RINSE. REPEAT.

GEE, MISTER, YOU LOOK REAL SAD.
I AM. I LOST MY JOB. I LOST MY WIFE. AND I ALMOST GOT COOKED IN A MICROWAVE OVEN.
THAT'S BAD. YOU SHOULD'VE GONE TO THE COUNTY FAIR WITH ME. LOOK AT THIS GREAT BALLOON I GOT. HEY, MIND HOLDING IT WHILE I TIE MY SHOE?
FINE.
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
GEEZ... YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYONE.
...HEY, WHO BUSTED THE CEILING FAN?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
MY LIST OF THE TOP TEN GREATEST INVENTIONS EVER.
OH, YEAH? WHAT ARE THEY?
WELL, FIRST IS THE GAS PUMP YOU STICK YOUR CREDIT CARD IN...IT LETS YOU GET YOUR GAS WITHOUT TALKING TO ANYONE.
SECOND IS "PAY-PER-VIEW" MOVIES...IT'S LETS YOU SEE MOVIES WITHOUT HAVING TO TALK TO THE GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER AT THE VIDEO STORE.
THIRD IS THE "FAST PASS" CARD AT TOLL BRIDGES....IT LETS YOU PAY THE TOLL AUTOMATICALLY SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH A DUMB TOLL BOOTH GUY.
BUT YOU'RE JUST CALLING STUFF GREAT THAT ELIMINATES CONTACT WITH OTHER PEOPLE. I LOVE TALKING FACE-TO-FACE WITH OTHERS...DON'T YOU?
MAYBE I'LL JUST FAX THIS TO YOU.

LAST WEEK, I VISITED MY COUSIN, RUSS TISOLE
I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T KNOW HE DIED.
WHO DIED?
YOUR COUSIN.
RUSS TISOLE?
I MISS HIM ALREADY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, PIG?
WELL, BOSS, I REALLY DO APPRECIATE THE JOB YOU'VE GIVEN ME AS MR. HAPPY EGG-
...BUT I MUST SAY THAT SOME OF YOUR RECENT HIRES SEEM TO POSE A THREAT TO MY JOB STABILITY.
DON'T BE SO PARANOID, EGG BOY.
GOT ANY LUNCH PLANS, BOSS?

WHY ARE YOU WEARING AN EGG COSTUME, PIG?
I GOT A JOB AS "MR. HAPPY EGG" FOR A POULTRY COMPANY.
BUT WHY ARE YOU WEARING IT NOW, WHEN YOU'RE NOT AT WORK?
BABES LOVE A MAN IN UNIFORM.

I'M HOOOOOOOOOOME....
HOW WAS WORK ?
I HAD A GREAT DAY.
ON THE WAY HOME, SOME TOTAL STRANGER SAW MY EGG COSTUME WAS A BIT FADED, SO HE OFFERED ME A SHINY COAT OF WHITE SPRAY PAINT.
KINDA RESTORES YOUR FAITH IN PEOPLE, HUH ?
BEAT ME !

I CAN'T BELIEVE PIG'S NEW PROMOTIONAL JOB REQUIRES HIM TO DRESS UP LIKE AN EGG.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
A GUY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SACRIFICE ALL HIS DIGNITY JUST TO MAKE A LIVING.
OH, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
TODAY, WE'LL THROW YOU OFF THE ROOF AND SEE IF YOU BREAK.
HOW DOES THAT HELP PROMOTE YOUR PRODUCT?
IT DOESN'T. IT JUST MAKES US LAUGH.

PIG JUST LEFT FOR HIS NEW JOB AT THE POULTRY COMPANY.
WHAT'S HE GONNA BE DOING?
PROMOTIONS, I THINK.
THAT'S GREAT. MAYBE HAVING A JOB WILL FINALLY GIVE HIM A LITTLE DIGNITY AND SELF-ESTEEM.
YOU MISSED YOUR BUS AGAIN, MISTER HAPPY EGG.
I GOTTA PUNCH EYE-HOLES IN THIS THING.

SALMON MIGRATION SCHOOL
GENTLEMEN, THERE ARE A
NUMBER OF THINGS YOU’LL
NEED TO REMEMBER FOR
YOUR TRIP UP RIVER.
FIRST, WATCH FOR SEALS...
THEY’RE TRYING TO KILL YOU.
SECOND, WATCH FOR
BEARS... THEY’RE TRYING
TO KILL YOU.
THIRD, WATCH FOR
FISHERMEN... THEY’RE
TRYING TO KILL YOU.
YES, JASON?
WOO HOO!
PARTAY PARTAY!
HEY LADIES!
WOOF
WOOF...
WOOF
WOOF
WOOF
UM...WHAT
HAPPENS IF
WE AVOID
ALL THAT?
WELL, IF YOU AVOID
ALL THAT, AND MAKE
IT UP RIVER, THEN
YOU GET TO SPAWN.
ACTUALLY, FRED,
YOU BECOME
HIDEOUSLY
DEFORMED AND
DIE.
OKAY, NOW THAT'S
A BUZZ KILLER.

I'LL PLAY YOU A GAME OF SOLITAIRE.
SOLITAIRE?.. YOU HAVE TO PLAY THAT BY YOURSELF.
OH... YOU DON'T LIKE SOLITAIRE?
I DO LIKE SOLITAIRE..... DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
YES.... YOU HATE ME.

WHAT'S THAT?
A CD-ROM I JUST BOUGHT.
WHAT'S ON IT?
ALL OF VAN GOGH'S PAINTINGS.
WOW. HE PAINTED SMALL.