Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHO ARE YOU?
RAT. YOUR BROTHER PHIL HIRED ME TO TAKE HIS PLACE AT THIS FINE HOLIDAY GATHERING.
WHY'D HE DO THAT?
BECAUSE HE THINKS YOU'RE A SHALLOW MORON AND HE HATES SPENDING TIME WITH YOU.
HEY... MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I'VE HEARD THAT RAT HAS
STARTED A NEW BUSINESS
WHERE YOU CAN HIRE HIM TO
TAKE YOUR PLACE AT HOLIDAY
FAMILY GATHERINGS.
YEAH... SINCE EVERY-
ONE HATES THOSE
THINGS, HE FIGURES
HE'LL GET RICH.
BUT IS
HE GOOD
AT SOCIAL
GATHERINGS?
...NOW THEN, WHICH BROTHER
ARE YOU... THE POMPOUS JERK-
FACE OR THE DUMB FATHEAD?

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME DONUT HOLES? THEY'RE REALLY CHEAP.
WELL, THEY SHOULD BE.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
SIR, EVEN I KNOW THE HOLE IN A DONUT IS NOTHING BUT EMPTY SPACE.
I... HAVE HALF A MIND TO CALL RALPH NADER ON YOU!

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
THIS BOOK THAT DOESN'T WORK - "THINGS WOMEN SAY."
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK… WHEN A WOMAN TELLS YOU "HAVE A GOOD TIME PLAYING POKER WITH YOUR FRIENDS," IT MEANS, "DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE THIS HOUSE, YOU JERK."
WOW.
AND LISTEN TO THIS… WHEN A WOMAN SAYS, "SURE, I'D LIKE TO GO TO THAT RESTAURANT," IT TRANSLATES TO "I HATE THAT RESTAURANT SO MUCH IF YOU TAKE ME THERE AGAIN, I WILL GIVE YOU THE SILENT TREATMENT FOR A MONTH AND NOT TELL YOU WHY."
AND OH GEEZ... THE OBVIOUS ONE... "DO YOU THINK WOMEN PRETTY?" ACTUALLY MEANS, "I WAS LOOKING FOR A REASON TO PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD, SO GIVE ME ONE, YOU DUMB FATHEAD."
EXCUSE ME, BUT COULD YOU PLEASE PASS THE SALT??
AUGGHHHH!!
IS THERE A PROBLEM…
I ACTUALLY WANT THE PEPPER, BUT I AM TESTING YOUR SENSITIVITY TO MY NEEDS...

EVERY TIME A BELL RINGS, AN ANGEL GETS HIS WINGS.
IF THAT'S TRUE, THEN WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THAT CAR ALARM DOWN THE STREET GOES OFF?
I PUNCH OUR NEIGHBOR IN THE HEAD.
THAT PROBABLY WOULDN'T MAKE A GOOD CHRISTMAS MOVIE.

DO YOU THINK BAD THINGS HAPPEN IN YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON?
YES...
...I'M STUPID.

I WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH A CHICKEN.
WHY?
FREE EGGS.
YOU DON'T WANT A SIDE OF BACON WITH THAT, DO YOU?
NO... BUT HAM WOULD BE NICE.

READ A BOOK.
BUT...
READ A BOOK, MORON.
WHAT DID THE CABLE COMPANY SAY ABOUT THE OUTAGE?

STEVIE SALMON! WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE?
I GOT TIRED OF THE OCEAN. FIGURE I'LL HEAD UP THE RIVER AND ENJOY THE LADIES.
......WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
JUST CROSSING YOU OFF THE CHRISTMAS CARD LIST.

STEVE SALMON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M LEAVING THE OCEAN AND HEADING UP RIVER...GONNA PARTY WITH THE LADIES.
WHY YOU DOING THAT?
MY COUSIN BOB WENT LAST YEAR...HE HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME, HE NEVER CAME BACK.
I'M JUST DYING TO JOIN HIM.

YOUR SOUP, SIR.
GOSH, THAT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE THE SOUP I ORDERED.
WHAT DID YOU ORDER?
THE MINESTRONE.
GEEZ, I COULD HAVE SWORN YOU ASKED FOR THE MINI-TONY.
THE WHAT?
IS THERE A PROBLEM?
WHO’S THAT??
I’M TONY.
YOU HEARD HIM, TONY.
COULD YOU GET OUT OF MY SOUP??
WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING???
WOULD YOU STILL LIKE YOUR SEIZURE SALAD?

LOOKS LIKE TODAY'S GONNA BE A CLOSET DAY.
WHAT'S A CLOSET DAY?
IT'S A DAY I KNOW IS GONNA BE SO BAD THAT I JUST SIT IN A DARK CLOSET AND HUM "KUMBAYAH" 'TIL THE DAY IS OVER.
DON'T YOU NEED A CAMPFIRE FOR THAT?
YEAH... BUT I'M TIRED OF SETTING MY TOES ON FIRE.

ARE YOU STILL PLAYING THAT GAME WHERE YOU CREATE A WHOLE CITY FROM THE GROUND UP?
YES. AND TODAY I GAVE THE PEOPLE TWO EDICTS... THINK FOR YOURSELVES... AND DON'T BE IDIOTS.
WHAT HAPPENED?
THEIR LITTLE HEADS EXPLODED.

LOOK AT THIS NEW GAME. YOU CREATE YOUR OWN CITY FROM THE GROUND UP.
HOW'S YOUR CITY COMING ALONG?
BAD. I'VE GOT A SANITATION STRIKE, A BUNCH OF WHINING PROTESTERS AND A LOT OF CRIME, BUT I'VE GOT A PLAN TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING
WOOOOSH!! AUGH!!!!! TAP TAP
YOUR PLAN WAS A GREAT FLOOD?
YES. THEY'RE FASTER THAN CITY COUNCIL MEETINGS.

HEY, MY POETRY SUBMISSION MUST HAVE FALLEN OUT OF THE MAILBOX… I'LL PUT IT BACK IN.
PTOOI!
PERHAPS YOU SHOULD RETHINK YOUR ARTISTIC ENDEAVORS.

WHAT ARE YOU MAILING?
MY NEW SUBMISSION TO THE POETRY MAGAZINE.
DIDN'T THEY REJECT IT LAST TIME WITHOUT EVEN SEEING IT?
YEAH... BUT I FIGURE IT CAN'T GET ANY MORE HUMILIATING THAN THAT.
PTUI!

WHAT'S THE MATTER, PIG?
I WROTE A REALLY GOOD POEM AND THAT POETRY MAGAZINE REJECTED IT.
BUT THEY REJECT ALMOST ALL THE POEMS THEY RECEIVE. WHY ARE YOU LETTING IT BOTHER YOU?
I HAVEN'T SENT IT YET.

P-L-U-M-B-E-R ... PLUMBER ... THIRTEEN POINTS.
D-O-G ... DOG ... THE "O" IS ON DOUBLE LETTER, SO SIX POINTS.
BAARAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH
NOT A REAL WORD.
NO POINTS. YOU LOSE, CHUCKIE.
NON-ANTHROPOMORPHIC SHEEP HAVE NO CHANCE AT 'SCRABBLE'.

HOW WAS YOUR FIRST DAY TRAINING TO BE A REFRIGERATOR REPAIRMAN?
BAD. THEY REJECTED ME.
HOW COULD THEY REJECT YOU AFTER ONE DAY?
THEY SAID I JUST WASN'T ONE OF THEIR CRACK CANDIDATES.
NEXT!

I DON'T LIKE GOATS FRIEND.
YOU MEAN CHUCKIE, THE NON-ANTHROPOMORPHIC SHEEP?
YEAH... I MEAN, IF ALL YOU DO IS SIT AROUND AND EAT AND UTTER NON-DECIPHERABLE SOUNDS, WHAT'S THE USE OF LIVING?
MMMMM... GUH BUHGUH...

CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
I'LL HAVE A HOT DOG.
ME TOO.
BURGER PLEASE.
AND HOW ABOUT YOU ON THE END?
OH, HE JUST WANTS SOME GRASS.
HOLY@#%!!
WE'RE GOING TO JAIL!!!
I'M TOO PRETTY! I'M TOO PRETTY!!!

PIG, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, CHUCKIE, THE SHEEP.
NICE TO MEET YOU, CHUCKIE.
BAAAAAHH!
NOT ALL ANIMALS ARE ANTHROPOMORPHIC, YOU KNOW.

WHERE WERE YOU?
GIVING MY CAR KEYS TO THE VALET PARKING GUY.
THIS RESTAURANT DOESN'T HAVE VALET PARKING.
THEN WHO WAS THE GUY WITH THE GUN?
THE NEW OWNER OF YOUR CAR.
NO TIP FOR THAT GUY.

I JUST SAW A BUNCH OF GOOSes.
THEY'RE CALLED GEESE.
OH.
I JUST SAW A BUNCH OF GEESEs.

PIZZA DELIVERY...
HOLY @#*%! WHAT'S ON YOUR HEAD?
OH, THAT? IT'S THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA. IT'S OUR LOGO.
BUT... HOW CAN YOU WEAR THAT?
OH, I DON'T MIND. ALTHOUGH KEEPING MY HEAD TILTED LIKE THIS DOES HURT MY NECK A LITTLE.
BUT THAT'S EMBARRASSING.
I KNOW... BUT I NEED THE MONEY... I'VE GOT TWO KIDS.
HANG ON...
HERE.
WHAT'S THAT?
TWO HUNDRED BUCKS... IT'S ALL I'VE GOT...
WOW... THANKS.
DING
DONG
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