Pearls Before Swine | Search

SIR, WHY ARE YOU ADVOCATING THE INVASION OF MEXICO?
BECAUSE THEY'RE RIGHT NEXT DOOR AND THEY'RE VERY, VERY WEAK.
AND HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO SELL THIS TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?
TACOS. TACOS. TACOS.

SIR, ARE YOU ADVOCATING THE INVASION OF MEXICO BY ARMED U.S. FORCES?
YES. I AM.
BUT MEXICO HAS BEEN A FRIEND OF THE U.S. FOR OVER FIFTY YEARS.
YES. SURPRISE IS A KEY ELEMENT HERE.

NOW THAT I'VE BEEN CAUGHT FAKING MY OWN DEATH, I WILL HAVE TO CHANGE THE FOCUS OF MY CITY COUNCIL CAMPAIGN.
TO WHAT?
ISSUES, MY FAT FRIEND, ISSUES. I WILL PICK ONE ISSUE AND RUN ON THAT. I'LL KEEP IT REAL SIMPLE BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE STUPID.
WHAT'LL BE YOUR ISSUE?
...AND IF ELECTED, I WILL INVADE MEXICO.

LOOKS LIKE MY ATTEMPT AT FAKING MY DEATH WAS A FAILURE.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
SOME CAMERA CREW CAUGHT ME BUYING EGGS IN THE GROCERY STORE.
HOPE YOU HANDLED IT WELL.
LAZARUS LOVES HIS OMELETTES!!!

THE WORLD WAS SHOCKED TODAY TO LEARN OF THE DEATH OF RAT.
THIS OF COURSE MEANS THAT THE TOWN'S CITY COUNCIL ELECTION IS A RACE BETWEEN TWO DECEASED CANDIDATES.
A DEAD HEAT, IF YOU WILL.
JOHN, PLEASE.
... TALK ABOUT YOUR "STIFF" COMPETITION.

THE POLLS SHOW THAT YOU'RE LOSING IN YOUR CITY COUNCIL RACE AGAINST THAT DEAD GUY.
YEAH... THE SYMPATHY FACTOR IS KILLING ME. BUT DON'T WORRY... I'VE GOT A PLAN TO COUNTER THAT.
THE RAT IS DEAD.
DEAD? HOW?
HE DIDN'T SAY.

DEAR LIONS,
AS YOU KNOW, MY ZEBRA
HERD HAS WRITTEN TO YOU
NUMEROUS TIMES TO
TRY AND IMPROVE OUR RELATIONSHIP
GIVEN THAT THESE EFFORTS
HAVE NOT BEEN SUCCESSFUL,
THE TEMPTATION IS TO
BLAME THE OTHER PARTY
HOWEVER, AS SUCH ACCUSATIONS
COULD BECOME COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE,
WE ZEBRAS HAVE TAKEN IT UPON
OURSELVES TO EXAMINE OUR OWN
POSSIBLE FAULT IN THIS
WHY ARE WE CONSISTENTLY KILLED?
PERHAPS WE ARE DEFENSIST. PERHAPS
WE'VE ENSURED CHILDHOOD SCARS
THAT CREATE A FEELING OF UNWORTH-
INESS... PERHAPS WE'RE ENABLERS
WE INVITE YOU TO EXAMINE YOUR OWN
MOTIVES IN THIS AND REFLECT THOUGH-
TFULLY ON WHY IT IS YOU FEEL COMPELLED
TO KILL... WE LOOK FORWARD TO RECEIVING
YOUR THOUGHTS
YOU
TASTE
GUD
SIGH

SIR, SOME ARE SAYING THAT
IN YOUR BID FOR CITY COUNCIL,
YOU'RE TRYING TO CAPITALIZE
ON THE FACT THAT YOUR
OPPONENT IS DECEASED.
LIES. ALL LIES. I DEMAND
THAT MY OPPONENT REPUDIATE
THESE VICIOUS RUMORS.
YOUR SILENCE IS DEAFENING.

I HEARD YOU'RE RUNNING FOR CITY COUNCIL.
YES... AND MY OPPONENT REFUSES TO DEBATE ME.

I HEARD YOUR OPPONENT IS DEAD.
HE HAS A LOT OF EXCUSES.

I'M GONNA RUN FOR CITY COUNCIL.
WHY?
'CAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE OTHER GUY ON THE BALLOT AND HE JUST DIED.
WHY IS THAT GOOD?
THE DEBATES WILL BE A BREEZE.

AT THE SIGN CONVENTION.
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, JOHN.
GOOD TO SEE YOU, HEDDA. DID YOUR HUSBAND COME WITH YOU THIS YEAR?
NO. HE BROKE BOTH HIS LEGS SKIING LAST WEEK, SO HE DECIDED TO STAY HOME.

AT THE SIGN CONVENTION.
HEY, IT’S THE BATHROOM SIGN GUY...HOW ‘BOUT AN AUTOGRAPH, BATHROOM SIGN GUY?
YOU KNOW, I’D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DIDN’T CALL ME “THE BATHROOM SIGN GUY”. I DO HAVE A NAME.
I’M SORRY. WHAT’S YOUR NAME?
JOHN.

THEY'RE HAVING A SIGN CONVENTION DOWNTOWN.
A SIGN CONVENTION? WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE WOULD GO TO A SIGN CONVENTION?
...BUY YOU LADIES A DRINK?

I MET THE NICEST GUY WHILE DRIVING AROUND TODAY.
WHAT MADE HIM SO NICE?
WELL, HE LOOKED AT ME AND GAVE ME A BIG THUMBS-UP.
A BIG THUMBS-UP?
YEAH, AND IT'S NOT EVERY DAY THAT HAPPENS TO ME, SO I SAVORED THE MOMENT BY DRIVING REALLY SLOW AROUND THE BLOCK.
HEH HEH HEH... AND YOU KNOW WHAT? HE KEPT GIVING ME THE SAME THUMBS-UP AND EVEN RAN TOWARD THE CAR TO MAKE SURE I COULD SEE HIS KIND GESTURE.
THEN, AS I DROVE OFF, HE INDICATED I WAS "NUMBER ONE."

"THERE WAS AN OLD WOMAN WHO LIVED IN A SHOE..."
SHE SHOULD HAVE PLANNED BETTER FOR HER RETIREMENT.

I'M SORRY, BOB, BUT I WON'T BE ABLE TO COME TO YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY TOMORROW, SO HERE'S MY GIFT NOW.
PARTY? WHAT PARTY?
THE SURPRISE PARTY...THE ONE YOUR WIFE'S GIVING YOU.
BOB AND HIS WIFE DON'T TALK MUCH.

WHEN MY COUSIN BURT WAS KILLED BY THE CROCODILES, HE TRIED TO BE COOL AND GET OFF THAT FAMOUS NATHAN HALE LINE
YOU MEAN, "I REGRET THAT I HAVE BUT ONE LIFE TO LOSE FOR MY COUNTRY"?
YEAH, BUT HE MIXED UP SOME WORDS AND DIDN'T FINISH IT.
"I REGRET THAT I HAVE ONE BUTT?"

...AND IF I HIRED YOU FOR THE JOB, WHAT STRENGTHS COULD YOU CONTRIBUTE TO THE COMPANY?
YOU ARE SOOOOOOOO FAT.
MAYBE I OUGHT TO EXPLAIN WHAT WE MEAN BY A "MOCK" INTERVIEW.
HANG ON, MONKEY BREATH... I'M JUST GETTING STARTED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING TO DRAW A STRAIGHT LINE WITH THIS PEN.
HAVE YOU TRIED USING A RULER?
MUST BE OUT OF INK.

TODAY'S COLUMBUS DAY.... THAT'S THE DAY COLUMBUS DISCOVERED AMERICA.
HOW CAN ANYONE SAY HE "DISCOVERED" AMERICA.... NATIVE AMERICANS HAD BEEN LIVING HERE FOR CENTURIES.
MAYBE THEY WERE HIDING UNDER ROCKS.

WHAT A GREAT HOTEL ROOM. TOO BAD YOU HAD TO ARGUE WITH THE HOTEL CLERK LIKE THAT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I WANTED A ROOM BY THE OCEAN AND HE WAS GONNA PUT US NEXT TO THE PARKING LOT.
I KNOW, BUT…
BUT NOTHING, LISTEN, PIG... YOU GOTTA KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THESE HOTEL PEOPLE. YOU EITHER STAND UP FOR YOURSELF OR THEY'LL WALK ALL OVER YOU.
WHEN I SAY I WANT A ROOM BY THE OCEAN, I WANT A ROOM BY THE OCEAN....PERIOD...NOW LET'S GO TO THE BEACH.
I'LL LEAVE THE RADIO INSIDE.

ALRIGHT, NIKOS PAPANDROPOULOS, COME WITH ME.
NIKOS WHO? THAT'S MY GUARDIAN ANGEL.
WRONG... HE'S AN ESCAPEE FROM A MENTAL INSTITUTION WHO LIKES TO POSE AS VARIOUS RELIGIOUS FIGURES.
YOU'RE MAKING MOSES VERY ANGRY.
LET MY NIKO GO.

LISTEN, YOU CAN'T HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR ALL THE GUYS I'VE LOST.
WHY NOT?
WELL, AT LEAST TWO OF THEM WERE SMOKERS.
OH.. THEY DIED FROM SMOKING?
NO... THEY WERE HIT BY TRUCKS. BUT THEY WOULD HAVE DIED FROM SMOKING.

PIG GETS A GUARDIAN ANGEL
WHY SHOULD I LET YOU BE MY GUARDIAN ANGEL IF YOU CAN'T GUARANTEE MY SAFETY, NIKO?
WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY... BECAUSE I TRY HARDER.
MAYBE I SHOULD RENT CARS INSTEAD.

PIG GETS A GUARDIAN ANGEL
WHAT GOOD IS A GUARDIAN ANGEL IF YOU CAN'T KEEP ME SAFE?
GIMME A BREAK.
UP UNTIL YOU, EVERYONE I'VE GUARDED HAS SAID THAT MY VERY PRESENCE GIVES THEM PEACE OF MIND.
THOSE PEOPLE ARE DEAD NOW, NIKO.
I DIDN'T SAY THEY WERE SMART.