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Dear Starrykiss Tuna,
Enclosed please find a can of so-called "dolphin-free" tuna, which I am returning to you.
It was only after buying this product that I learned -- to my great sadness -- that there was no free dolphin inside.
P.S. Care to buy a dolphin tank?

I LOST THE CELL PHONE.
GET THE REGULAR PHONE AND DIAL THE NUMBER OF THE CELL PHONE.
WHAT WILL THAT DO?
THE CELL PHONE WILL RING AND YOU'LL FIND IT.
RIIIINNNG...
RIIIIIIINNN...
RIIINNNG...
RIIIIIIIIING...
RIIIIIIIING...
RIIIIIIIIING...
HELLO?... HELLO?... HELLO???
IT'S SCARY WHEN THEY DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

... AND SO, REST IN PEACE,
CUBBY. YOU WERE ONE
GREAT FRUIT FLY.
IT'S NOT EVERY DAY YOU
SEE THE MISSING
FLY FORMATION.

CUBBY WAS A GOOD FLY, BELOVED BY--
CAN I HELP YOU, MA'AM?
YEAH, I'M TRIXIE, THE STRIPPER WHO SMOOSHED YOUR FLY--
AND YOU'VE COME TO PAY YOUR FINAL RESPECTS.
WELL, HOW TOUCHING.
NO. I'VE COME TO BE PAID FOR YOUR DEAD FRIEND'S LAST DANCE.
THAT WAS A DIFFERENT SORT OF TOUCHING.

I TOOK YOUR PET FLY CUBBY TO THE STRIP CLUB.
DID HE HAVE A GOOD TIME?
TOO GOOD... HE GOT SO EXCITED THAT HE FLEW OFF HIS BAR STOOL AND GROPED ONE OF THE DANCERS.
WHAT? SO WHAT HAPPENED?
TRIXIE SMOOSHED HIM.
SMOOSHED HIM??
HE DIED A HAPPY FLY.

I TOOK CUBBY TO THE PARK AND THE ZOO.
WHY'D YOU DO THAT?
I FIGURED THAT IF FRUIT FLIES ONLY LIVE FOR 14 DAYS, THEY'D BETTER BE GOOD ONES.
BUT IS THAT WHERE CUBBY WANTED TO GO?
NO, BUT 'GETTING WASTED IN STRIP JOINTS' IS NOT MY THING.
I'LL GET MY COAT.

I HOPE YOU KNOW YOUR PET FLY IS A FRUIT FLY, WHICH MEANS HIS LIFE SPAN IS NO LONGER THAN TWO WEEKS.
...WHAT'D HE SAY?
THAT INVESTING IN THAT I.R.A. WAS A BIG WASTE OF TIME.

HAVE YOU MET MY PET FLY, CUBBY?
FLIES CAN'T BE PETS... THEY'RE FLIES, YOU MORON.
cubby.
cubby.
cubby.
cubby.
cubby.
CUBBY WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'D LIKE TO STEP OUTSIDE.

YEAH, I'M HERE FOR THE REUNION, BUT I DON'T SEE MY NAME ON THIS LIST.
OH, WELL, THAT'S THE LIST OF "SKINNY, GEEKY, SMART GUYS WHO MADE IT BIG AND ONLY CAME HERE TO MOCK YOU."
WHAT'S THAT OTHER LIST?
THAT'S "POPULAR FOOTBALL JOCKS WHO ARE NOW FAT, BALD AND UNMOTIVATED."
YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME... ARE THOSE THE ONLY TWO LISTS?
UH, NO. THERE'S THIS ONE HERE.
WHAT'S THAT ONE?
"DECEASED."
IT'S SAD WHEN THEY CYCLE LIKE THAT.

RAT, THE FENG SHUI EXPERT
SIR, WE'LL HAVE TO SEAL OFF THAT DOOR IMMEDIATELY.
BUT MY WIFE'S SLEEPING IN THERE.
I REALIZE THAT, SIR, BUT THE CHI ENERGY WILL NOT WAIT.
SURELY YOU WOULDN'T RECOMMEND SEALING SOMEONE IN THEIR ROOM.
SIGH.

... SO TO ALIGN HIS HOUSE WITH FENG SHUI PRINCIPLES, RAT SEALED PIG'S DOOR AND TRAPPED HIM IN HIS BEDROOM?
YEAH, AND NOW RAT'S SELLING HIS SERVICES AS A FENG SHUI EXPERT TO OTHERS.
BUT DOES HE REALLY UNDERSTAND FENG SHUI?
... AND GET RID OF THE TALL PIECE IN THE CORNER. IT'S GIVING OFF A TERRIBLE ENERGY.
THAT'S MY HUSBAND.
GOOD. WE WON'T NEED MOWERS.

WHERE'S PIG'S BEDROOM DOOR?
WE SEALED IT UP... ACCORDING TO THE PRINCIPLES OF FENG SHUI, THAT DOOR WAS IN THE WRONG PLACE.
WHAT IS FENG SHUI?
IT'S WHERE YOU ALIGN YOUR WHOLE HOUSE IN SUCH A WAY THAT IT'S IN HARMONY WITH NATURE AND THE SPIRITS.
WHAT DOES PIG THINK?
I'D LIKE A DOOR.
PIPE DOWN IN THERE.

AND I'M LIKE, "NO WAY,"
AND HE GOES, "YOU HAVE TO,"
AND I'M LIKE, "NO,
I DON'T," AND HE GOES---
YOU KNOW, THE WORDS
"SAID" AND "SAYS" STILL
EXIST. YOU CAN USE
THEM NOW AND THEN.
AND HE GOES, "YOU CAN
USE THEM NOW AND THEN,"
AND I'M LIKE "WHATEVER,"
AND HE'S LIKE---

HEY, JOHNNY MALLARD...
HOW ARE THINGS?
GOOD, PIG... I SAW THE CUTEST LITTLE DUCK AT THE POND TODAY, BUT I DIDN'T HAVE THE COURAGE TO TALK TO HER.
HEY... YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! SEIZE THE DAY!
YOU'RE RIGHT! SHE'S SO PRETTY AND QUIET AND DEMURE. THANKS, PIG! I'LL DO IT!
...GOT HIM.
SCORE ONE FOR THE DECOY.

DO YOU HAVE ANY GRANDPARENTS?
I'M AFRAID THEY'RE ALL WATCHING US FROM ABOVE.
DO THEY LIVE IN TREES?

Dear Comics Reader:
We here at "Pearls" feel that the format of Sunday strips is a waste of your time. Why should you, the reader, have to read a bunch of little jokes in the panels to get to the punch line when all you really want is the punchline?
Thus, in order to maximize your comic enjoyment, we here at "Pearls" have taken the novel approach of cutting out those peripheral strips and giving you just the main joke...No boring set-up.
No wasted panels. No boring set-up dialogue. Just pure punchline...We hope you enjoy.
What’s this?
I’ve been trying to get your attention all weekend!
Okay, so I’m no nature expert.
You know what’s nice about cheap trick is that?
When he gains a few pounds, he won’t have to rush out and buy a larger size!

I ADDED A NEW FISH TO THE TANK. HIS NAME IS "A LITTLE INTEGRITY."
I ADDED ONE, ALSO. HIS NAME IS "COMMERCIAL SUCCESS."
BUT WHAT IF THEY CAN'T LIVE TOGETHER?
WELL, GIVEN THE HIGH PRICE I PAID FOR MY FISH, I THINK IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS.
...SO YOU SACRIFICED "A LITTLE INTEGRITY" FOR THE SAKE OF "COMMERCIAL SUCCESS"?
I'M SUCH A SELL-OUT.

WHY IS THERE ONLY ONE FISH IN THE TANK?
HIS NAME IS "THE TRUTH"... I TOOK OUT ALL THE OTHER FISH SO I CAN CLEAN THE TANK.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE HIM OUT TOO?
BECAUSE HE HAS BIG TEETH AND IF YOU TRY AND GET NEAR HIM, YOU'LL LOSE A FINGER.
...YOU CAN'T HANDLE "THE TRUTH".

I ADDED A NEW FISH TO THE TANK... HIS NAME IS “TRUE HAPPINESS.”
WHERE IS HE?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHY DON'T YOU KNOW?
“TRUE HAPPINESS” IS HARD TO FIND.

WHO'S THAT NEW FISH YOU ADDED?
THAT'S "GREED." HE MOVED INTO THE CASTLE.
BUT THAT CASTLE WAS ALREADY PACKED WITH FISH...HOW'D HE MAKE ROOM?
"DIGNITY" WENT RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW.

HOW ARE YOUR NEW FISH DOING?
NOT GOOD... I CAN'T FIND "HOPE" AND "DREAMS".
WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?
I DON'T KNOW...
... BUT "REALITY" IS FATTER THAN EVER.

LOOK AT MY NEW FISH.
WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?
WELL, THERE'S "HOPE" AND "TRUTH" AND "REALITY" AND "DREAMS" AND "DIGNITY" AND "LOVE" AND—
IS THAT "LOVE" OVER THERE?
...THAT'S "LUST"... THEY'RE HARD TO TELL APART.

WINSTON CHURCHILL SAID, A LIE GETS HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD BEFORE THE TRUTH HAS A CHANCE TO GET ITS PANTS ON.
SO LIES DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON PANTS IN THE MORNING?
NO, YOU DUMB PIG.
AND THEY DON'T SHOWER?
NO, YOU MORON.
AND THEY DON'T PUT ON DEODORANT?
NO! NO! LIES DON'T SHOWER OR PUT ON DEODORANT OR WEAR PANTS!!
THAT'S A DIRTY, STINKING, NAKED LIE.
...THE TRUTH HURTS...

WHEN THE WORLD ENDS, I WANT TO BE RIGHT THERE BESIDE YOU.
THAT MAY BE THE NICEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME.
YEAH... WITH THE MEAT ON YOUR BONES, THEY'RE BOUND TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

HEY, RAT. WHERE'S CONNIE?
I LEFT HER. I REALIZED THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER LET ANYONE CONTROL YOUR LIFE, NO MATTER HOW BADLY YOU WANT A GIRLFRIEND.
YEAH, IT'S STRANGE HOW A LITTLE LONELINESS CAN MAKE YOU SO SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE SLIGHTEST ATTENTION FROM AN ATTRACTIVE PERSON.
WELL, I THINK WE'VE ALL LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON.
GOSH… DO YOU REALLY THINK I COULD BE AN UNDERWEAR MODEL?