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PIG GETS A GUARDIAN ANGEL.
NOT TO BE RUDE, NIKO, BUT I DON'T WANT YOU AS A GUARDIAN ANGEL IF YOU CAN'T KEEP ME SAFE.
OH, C'MON...
I'VE ONLY LOST A FEW GUYS...
OVER WHAT TIME PERIOD?
UH... LAST WEEK.
IT WAS A VERY BAD WEEK, OKAY?!

HELLO, PIG...
I'M NIKO, YOUR
GUARDIAN
ANGEL.
WOW...WHERE
HAVE YOU
BEEN ALL
MY LIFE?
WELL... UP UNTIL
YESTERDAY, I WAS
THE GUARDIAN ANGEL
FOR ANOTHER GUY.
WHAT
HAPPENED
TO
HIM?
I DIDN'T DO SO GOOD.

Dear Mr. Publisher,
I recently received a form letter from you saying that you had rejected my manuscript,"The Adventures of Angry Bob."
As a professional myself, I realize that you have a job to do and have to make close judgment calls like this on a daily basis. Thus, I am not one to whine.
At the same time, I am sure you realize what a gut-level book that "Angry Bob" could revolutionize publishing.
For now, why don't you share with me your thought process in this regard and let us see what we can do to move this project forward.
Dear Sir,
You are the worst writer I have seen in 46 years in the publishing business.
May a bus run you over.
THESE PERSONALIZED REJECTIONS ARE A GREAT SIGN.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I WAS ROUGHED UP BY SOME GUARDS AT THE ART MUSEUM.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I GOT CAUGHT RUBBING A STILL-LIFE FRUIT PAINTING.
WHY'D YOU DO THAT?
I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE A SCRATCH AND SNIFF.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I WAS MAKING A MILKSHAKE AND THE STUPID BLENDER EXPLODED.
I TELL YOU, PIG... THE APPLIANCES ARE OUT TO GET ME.
SO NOW YOU THINK IT'S A CONSPIRACY?
EXCELLENT WORK... NOW GO TELL THE TOASTER I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO HER.
YESSIR.

WHERE'D ALL THIS WATER COME FROM?
THE WASHER ACCIDENTALLY OVERFLOWED.
"ACCIDENTALLY"? THE WASHER AND DRYER DON'T HAVE "ACCIDENTS". THEY HAVE AGENDAS.
HOW CAN YOU BE SO PARANOID?
IT'S SO ROMANTIC, BOB... YOU, ME, OUR VERY OWN JACUZZI.
I'M FEELING FRISKY, PAT.

I CLEANED MY SOCKS TODAY.
AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS?
NOPE.
HOW COME THAT STUPID DRYER ONLY STEALS MY SOCKS? WHY DO YOU GET A FREE RIDE ALL THE TIME??
I LIKE THE PIG.

WHERE IS RAT GOING WITH THAT SLEDGEHAMMER?
HE'S MAD AT THE DRYER FOR TAKING HIS SOCKS.
WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO TO LOSE YOUR TEMPER AT AN APPLIANCE?
GIMME THE SOCKS OR THE WASHER GETS IT.
LEAVE THE WASHER OUT OF THIS.
HE'S NOT BLUFFING, BOB.

WHERE YOU GOING WITH THAT SLEDGEHAMMER?
WHY?
I'M GONNA POUND THE BEJEEPERS OUT OF OUR DRYER.
BECAUSE I'M NOW MISSING SIX SOCKS AND I KNOW HE'S TAKING THEM.
IT'S A MACHINE. IT CAN'T THINK.
I WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED.

"THE ADVENTURES OF ANGRY BOB" VOLUME III
ANGRY BOB WAS ANGRY. HE WENT TO THE DINER AND PUNCHED FRANK.
FRANK PUNCHED BOB BACK. SO BOB PUNCHED FRANK. AND BOB PUNCHED FRANK.
AND BOB PUNCHED FRANK. AND BOB PUNCHED FRANK. AND BOB PUNCHED FRANK.
GEEZ, ALL THIS FIGHTING . IF YOU'RE GONNA SELL THIS NOVEL TO WOMEN, YOU'RE GONNA NEED A LITTLE ROMANCE IN THERE TOO.
MYRA SMILED AT BOB. BOB SMILED AT MYRA. AND BOB PUNCHED FRANK.

IS THERE A HALL OF FAME FOR PIGS?
I DON'T THINK SO.
NO HALL OF FAME?.. THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU LED A WORTHWHILE PIG LIFE?
DEAD PIGS DON'T THINK.
NO WONDER WE EAT YOU.

I LOVE THE FORTUNE COOKIES I GET HERE... THIS ONE SAYS, "YOUR NAME WILL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED WITH GREAT ADMIRATION." HEH HEH HEH.
READ YOURS
"THE MONKEY WHO FORGETS YOUR NAME WILL BITE YOUR BIG, FLOPPY EARS."
AND YOU ARE?
SCARED.

HOW MANY IN YOUR PARTY?
OH, I'M NOT HAVING A PARTY.
I KNOW YOU'RE NOT HAVING A PARTY.
ARE YOU HAVING A PARTY?
I'M HAVING A HARD TIME NOT PUNCHING YOU IN THE HEAD.
OHHH...
I WON'T BE COMING TO YOUR PARTY.

I HAD A JOB INTERVIEW TODAY, BUT I DON'T THINK I GOT THE JOB.
WHY NOT?
I INTERVIEWED WITH THE GUY IN CHARGE AND I JUST GOT A BAD FEELING.
WHY WAS THAT?

I'M THINKING ABOUT PUSHING YOU OFF A TALL CLIFF AND FILMING WHAT HAPPENS.
WHAT FOR?
'CAUSE THEN I CAN GET ON ONE OF THOSE "SHOCKING VIDEO" SHOWS AND BE FAMOUS.
BUT I COULD GET HURT.
THERE'S NO "I" IN "TEAM".

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
I THINK IT'S AN EPISODE OF "COPS"...
...SOME DRUNK LADY IS BUSTING LIQUOR BOTTLES ON A BOAT.
THAT'S NANCY REAGAN... AND SHE'S CHRISTENING AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER.
YOU KNOW HER?.. YOU MUST BE SO ASHAMED.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
ANOTHER VOLUME OF "THE ADVENTURES OF ANGRY BOB."
BUT HE DIED IN VOLUME ONE.
I FIXED THAT.
FIXED IT?
YES. READ VOLUME TWO.
ANGRY BOB UNDIED.
THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER READ.
TO CELEBRATE THE MIRACLE OF ANGRY BOB, THE PIOUS TOWNFOLK OFFERED A SACRIFICE... THE BIG, FAT GOAT WAS THE FIRST TO GO.

GOODBYE, PIG. PERHAPS WE CAN MEET AGAIN IN ANOTHER WORLD WHERE I DO NOT TAKE THE FORM OF A TASTY HOLIDAY TREAT......
... TAKE GOOD CARE OF MY GINGERBREAD WIFE AND MY GINGERBREAD HOUSE.
I GIVE YOU MY SOLEMN WORD, TOOTY.
CRUNCH
CRUNCH
CRUNCH
UUURP

I'VE BROUGHT OVER TWO OF THE ANGEL COOKIES WHO'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU LAST RITES.
ANGELS? I DON'T WANT ANGELS...I'M AN ATHEIST.
RUDOLPH AND FROSTY WOULD LIKE TO SAY "TOODLES".

I'M FADING FAST, PIG.
HANG ON, TOOTY! YOU'VE GOT SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!
I'VE GOT NO HEAD...WHAT IS THERE TO LIVE FOR?
I BET THEY'LL LET YOU PARK IN THOSE HANDICAPPED SPOTS.

LISTEN, TOOTY. WE'RE GONNA FIND WHO ATE YOUR HEAD.
HOW YOU GONNA DO THAT?
WELL... I'LL LINE UP SOME PROBABLE SUSPECTS AND YOU TAKE A GOOD LONG LOOK AT THEM...
DO YOU THINK I SEE OUT OF MY G#@*??
TOOTY!!
SORRY... I LOST MY HEAD.

TOOTY, WHAT HAPPENED??
I DUNNO.. I WAS JUST LAYING HERE STARING AT THE CEILING AND EVERYTHING WENT DARK.
GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT, PIG.. HOW BAD IS IT?
YOU'VE GOT NO HEAD, TOOTY.
THAT'S BAD.

RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO COME INTO THE KITCHEN AND MEET MY NEW FRIEND, TOOTY, THE GINGERBREAD MAN.
OH... WE'VE MET.
DID YOU LIKE HIM?
YES, I DID.
THE HORROR. THE HORROR.

The Adventures of Angry Bob Volume I
Angry Bob was angry. Very, very angry. He went to the Waffle Barn and ordered two waffles but they did not make him happy.
He went to the park. It was sunny. He sat on the warm grass and took off his shoes and smoked a cigarette.
It felt good.
He spotted the hot dog stand. "I will buy a hot dog and a lemonade and read a book," he said. "Then I will be happy."
Bob ate his hot dog and drank his lemonade. He put on his glasses and began to read his book. The happiness that had eluded Angry Bob for 33 years was finally his.
A Frisbee smashed into Bob's face. Bob choked on the hot dog and died.
THERE'S A LESSON IN THERE SOMEWHERE.

I JOINED A GYM.
IT'S ABOUT TIME... WHAT EXERCISES DO YOU DO?
LATELY, I'VE BEEN GETTING UP ON THE TREADMILL.
HOW FAST DO YOU GO?
NOT VERY... I DON'T TURN IT ON.