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HOBART, THE MINIATURE TRAIN ENGINEER
LISTEN, HOBART, I KNOW YOU JUST LOST YOUR JOB, BUT I'M AFRAID I HAVE MORE BAD NEWS.
WHAT IS IT?
I'M SEEING SOMEONE ELSE.
YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME?? HOLY G#$%*+!!! HOW COULD MY LIFE GET ANY WORSE??!
KISS ME, GORGEOUS.
HOLD ON. I THINK I STEPPED ON A GRAPE.

HI, HONEY... I'M HOME.
HI, HOBART... HOW WAS WORK?
BAD... THEY LAID ME OFF.
THEY WHAT?? THAT'S OUR ONLY SOURCE OF INCOME! OH, HOBART, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO??
WE'VE ALWAYS GOT EACH OTHER.

IT SAYS HERE THAT THE TOWN'S MINIATURE TRAIN CLUB IS DISBANDING.
GEEZ... ALL THOSE TRAIN GUYS WILL LOSE THEIR JOBS.
YOU DUMB PIG... THEY'RE TOY TRAINS. THEY DON'T HAVE EMPLOYEES.
MIND IF I BORROW THE WANT ADS?

RAT'S GUIDE TO GOOD LIVING
Today's Lesson:
"Avoiding the Hug Precedent"
YOU ARE WITH A GROUP OF PEOPLE... YOU SPOT SOMEONE YOU JUST MET... AND, SUDDENLY, YOU ALL SORT OF KNOW... HEY, IT'S BOB.
THOUGHTLESSLY, A MEMBER OF YOUR GROUP HUGS THIS INDIVIDUAL, THEREBY SETTING THE HUG PRECEDENT... EACH MEMBER OF YOUR GROUP MUST NOW HUG THIS PERSON, OR RISK LOOKING RUDE!
TO AVOID THIS DIFFICULT SITUATION, SIMPLY FOLLOW THESE EASY STEPS...

FIRST, SHAKE YOUR BODY VIOLENTLY.
SECOND, ROLL YOUR EYES WAY BACK INTO YOUR HEAD.
THIRD, FALL TO THE FLOOR AND LAY VERY STILL.
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE NOW FAKING YOUR OWN DEATH!
WITH ANY LUCK, THE GROUP WILL DECIDE TO NOT HUG SOMEONE WHO HAS SEEMINGLY DIED, AND WILL MOVE ON TO SOMEONE WEE BEFORE SEEING YOU AND WON'T THEN WANT TO WATCH.
WHEN YOU'RE SURE EVERYONE IS GONE, GET UP SLOWLY AND LEAVE.
AVOID STRAGGLERS.
YOU'RE OKAY!

THE KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL LIFE IS TO WRITE YOUR OWN EULOGY... THEN YOU CAN BE REMEMBERED HOW YOU WANT.
YEAH... AND TO BE REALLY SAFE, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GIVE IT YOURSELF SO THAT... UH... OH, WAIT...
"HE WAS A STUPID PIG."

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
SOME CONTEST WHERE GUYS STAND IN FRONT OF A MOVING BUS.
THE GUY WHO WAITS THE LONGEST BEFORE JUMPING OUT OF THE WAY WINS.
THERE AREN'T A LOT OF REPEAT CHAMPIONS.

I'M GOING TO SEE AN AVANT-GARDE PLAY TONIGHT.
WHAT'S AVANT-GARDE?
IT'S FRENCH FOR "BAD."

MY BACK HURTS. I THINK I NEED A PROFESSIONAL MASSAGE.
OH, I KNOW A GOOD MISOGYNIST.
YOU'RE THINKING OF A WOMAN-HATER.
YOU KNOW HIM?

I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME A GREAT ARTIST. THE FIRST STEP IS TO BEGIN A SLOW DESCENT INTO MADNESS.
WHEN DOES THAT HAPPEN?
WHEN YOU START HEARING VOICES IN YOUR HEAD.
GEEZ, I THINK IT'S HAPPENING TO ME.
YOU'RE HEARING VOICES?
THERE. IT HAPPENED AGAIN.
YOU STUPID PIG.
OH, AND THEY'RE RUDE, JUST LIKE YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?
CHI CHI BEER.
WHY ARE YOU DRINKING THAT?
... BECAUSE I LOOKED TO THE HEAVENS AND GOD TOLD ME TO DRINK CHI CHI BEER.
ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'LL TELL HIM ABOUT SKYWRITING.

FOR MY REPORT ON WORLD WAR TWO TONIGHT, I BROUGHT ALONG A VISUAL AID.
IT'S A LUFFA. I GOT IT FROM MY SHOWER.
YOU MAY SAY, "WHAT'S A LUFFA HAVE TO DO WITH IT?" ... WELL, LET ME TELL YOU....
THE LUFFA WAS THE GERMANS' PRIMARY MEANS OF ATTACKING OTHER NATIONS... THE DREADED LUFFA WAS --
UH... PIG?...
YES, PROFESSOR CONLEY?
THE GERMANS ATTACKED WITH THE LUFTWAFFE, WHICH WAS THEIR AIR FORCE. THEY DIDN'T ATTACK ANYONE WITH LUFFAS.
BACK SCRUB, ANYONE?

I LOVE THIS CHINESE RESTAURANT BECAUSE I ALWAYS GET GREAT FORTUNE COOKIES.
LOOK AT MINE... "SUCCESS WILL FOLLOW YOUR EVERY ENDEAVOR"... HEH HEH... READ YOURS, PIG...
THAT CHICKEN YOU ATE WAS NO CHICKEN.
HEY... LET'S VISIT THAT PET STORE NEXT DOOR.

DID WE GET ANY MAIL?
NO.
DID ANYONE CALL?
NO.
ANY FAXES?
NO.
ANY E-MAIL?
NO.
AS OUR MEANS OF COMMUNICATION GROW, SO DOES MY AWARENESS THAT I HAVE NO FRIENDS.

WHERE WERE YOU?
I RAN TO THE OCEAN.
WHY'D YOU RUN THERE?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE WATER GOES.
YOU NEED TO STOP DROPPING YOUR KEYS DOWN THE TOILET.
MAYBE WE COULD MOVE CLOSER TO THE COAST.

LOOK AT THIS NATURE SHOW. THE ZEBRAS ARE CROSSING A BIG STREAM, BUT THIS ONE L'IL GUY STOPPED TO PLAY GAMES IN THE WATER.
THAT "GAME" IS HIM BEING CAUGHT IN THE MOUTH OF A HUNGRY CROCODILE WHO'S TOSSING HIM AROUND IN ORDER TO TRY AND BREAK HIS NECK.
I PREFER "MARCO POLO."

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
THE HUMPHREY BOGART NEWSLETTER...I PUT IT OUT EVERY WEEK TO KEEP FANS UP TO DATE ON WHAT BOGART'S DOING.
BOGART'S DEAD, PIG.
Dear Fans,
Big news...

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
ANOTHER LETTER TO MY FAVORITE MOVIE STAR. ALL I WANT IS ONE LOUSY AUTOGRAPH FROM THE GUY.
WHO IS IT?
HUMPHREY BOGART.
...PERSISTENCE IS KEY.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
MY PIT O' USELESS BLOWHARDS... I FILTER THEM OUT OF SOCIETY, AND PUT THEM HERE, OUT OF HARMS WAY...
YEAH, I'M BURT... I CALL TALK RADIO SHOWS AND GIVE MY GREAT OPINION ON VARIOUS ISSUES BECAUSE I AM WITHOUT A MEANINGFUL EXISTENCE OF MY OWN...
AND I'M VIVIAN... MY CAR IS PLASTERED WITH OVER TWENTY BUMPER STICKERS... AND I TELL EVERYONE WHO PASSES ME EVERYTHING THEY NEED TO KNOW HOW SMART I AM...
I'M CHUCK... I'M A SPORTS NUT AND I BELIEVE THAT DEBATING THE HIGH SALARIES OF PRO ATHLETES IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN LIFE ITSELF...
THIS IS WRONG, RAT... THESE PEOPLE ARE SIMPLY VOICING THEIR OPINIONS... THAT'S WHAT MAKES A DEMOCRACY WORK.
YEAH, THIS IS BURT FROM ABYAW, AND I THINK I WAS WRONG TO BUY THE ZEBRA ALIVE...
... FOR THE MONEY HE MAKES, HE SHOULD'VE MADE A 48YARD BURYTHE ZEBRA.

WHAT AN HONOR IT IS TO MEET YOU. YOUR WORK RECALLS THE IRONIC SENSIBILITY OF LICHTENSTEIN, ALTHOUGH THE INFLUENCE OF CALDER AND JOHNS IS OBVIOUS.
MAY WE ASK WHO YOU TRAINED UNDER?
PEPE, THE NIGHT JANITOR.

EXCUSE ME, FOLKS, BUT THAT'S MY MOP.
OF COURSE IT'S YOUR MOP.
IT'S YOUR MOP... IT'S MY MOP...
A PIECE LIKE THIS TAPS INTO THE COLLECTIVE UNCONSCIOUS OF ALL OF US.
NO. I MEAN... I PUT IT THERE.
HONEY! THE ARTISTE!!

I HEARD YOU GOT FIRED FROM YOUR JANITOR JOB AT THE MUSEUM.
I DID. BUT I GOT A NEW JOB AT A MODERN ART MUSEUM ACROSS TOWN.
HOW'S IT GOING?
PRETTY GOOD. BUT I MISPLACED MY STUPID MOP TODAY.
STUNNING.

GOAT SAYS YOU DESTROYED A REMBRANDT PAINTING.
YEAH... BUT IT'S OKAY. I TAPED IT UP.
I WAS MORE WORRIED ABOUT THE BIG SCRATCH I MADE ON THE FLOOR. I LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR A SCOURING PAD, BUT WE WERE OUT.
GEEZ. ANOTHER EMPTY ONE!

HOW WAS YOUR FIRST NIGHT AS A JANITOR AT THE ART GALLERY?
NOT GOOD... I PUT MY HEAD THROUGH A PAINTING
WHICH PAINTING??
I THINK HIS NAME WAS REMBRANDT.
FORTUNATELY, THEY'VE GOT OTHER STUFF BY THE GUY.

DID YOU HEAR PIG GOT A JOB AS A JANITOR AT THE ART MUSEUM?
WHAT'S HE DO?
HE JUST GOES IN AFTER HOURS AND CLEANS... I THINK HE'S GOT THE REMBRANDT WING.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE DUSTED THAT.

THE ADVENTURES OF DETECTIVE BOB BY RAT
DETECTIVE BOB SEARCHED THE ENTIRE HOUSE FOR EVIDENCE.
HE WALKED INTO THE KITCHEN AND FOUND A BOWL OF STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM.
DETECTIVE BOB PLUNGED BOTH HANDS INTO THE ICE CREAM, SPLASHING THE ICE CREAM EVERYWHERE.
"WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" ASKED SENIOR INSPECTOR DAVE.
"LOOKING FOR EVIDENCE," REPLIED BOB.
"YOU IDIOT!!" YELLED THE SENIOR INSPECTOR. "THAT'S JUST ICE CREAM.
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME LOOKING IN THERE."
"WHY IS THAT?" ASKED BOB.
DON'T SAY IT... PLEASE DON'T SAY IT.
"BECAUSE THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING, BOB."