Pearls Before Swine | Search

BAGHDAD- Today in Baghdad, this reporter was ushered into the underground bunker of deposed ruler Saddam Hussein.
Saddam, dressed only in boxer shorts and a pair of Birkenstocks, sat quietly upon a beanbag, playing his 'Gameboy' and occasionally weeping. A nearby stereo played what sounded like American country music. I asked the former tyrant what he was listening to.
"Dixie Chicks," he muttered. "Nothing but 'Dixie Chicks.'"

THIS IS RIDICULOUS. YOU CAN'T WRITE A STORY FROM BAGH-DAD IF YOU'RE NOT REALLY THERE.
DUDE, I WORK FOR "THE NEW YORK TIMES"... I CAN DO ANY-THING I WANT.
WHAT IF YOU NEED A QUOTE FROM SOMEBODY?
I'LL GET ONE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, GENERAL?
THAT'S RIGHT, RAT.

DID YOU HEAR RAT GOT A JOB WORKING FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES?
DOING WHAT?
HE'S A FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT STATIONED IN BAGHDAD. IN FACT, HE'S THERE RIGHT NOW COVERING SOME MILITARY OPERATION.
REALLY?
REALLY.

LOOK. I BOUGHT GARDEN SHEARS.
WATCH OUT... YOU'RE GONNA--
PSSSHAHH
EEEE-YO! *POP*
GEEZ, I'M SO SORRY.
POP
PSHHHHH...
SWACK!
SMACK! POW!!
OH #%*^ MIMES.

I AM THE PHILOSOPHER KING. ASK ME A QUESTION.
WHY MUST INNOCENT, THOUGHTFUL ZEBRAS SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF BRUTAL, STUPID LIONS?
THEY RUN FASTER.

YOU STILL HAVING TROUBLE COMING UP WITH IDEAS FOR YOUR SHORT STORY?
LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU DUMB PIG.
WELL, I THOUGHT I'D HELP YOU OUT, SO I BROUGHT ALONG MY BUDDY, MOOSE... ...SMACK HIM, MOOSE!!
POW!!
... I SAID I WAS WAITING FOR THE MUSE TO STRIKE...
HE WANTS ANOTHER MOOSE!!

I SAW MY COUSIN GENE TODAY.
IS HE THAT GUY THAT RUNS MARATHONS?
YEAH, BUT HE'S A REAL JERK. NOBODY IN MY FAMILY LIKES HIM.
IT MUST BE TOUGH TO HAVE A BAD GENE THAT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

HEY, ISN'T THAT DAVID JUSTICE, THE BASEBALL STAR?
YEAH, AND LOOK AT THAT BIG PLATE OF PEAS HE'S EATING.
I'LL WAIT TIL HE'S DONE AND GRAB SOME LEFTOVER PEAS FOR A SOUVENIR.
NO, YOU WON'T. THE WAITRESS JUST TOOK HIS PLATE AND NOW HE'S LEAVING.
... NO JUSTICE, NO PEAS.

DEAR FRENCH PRESIDENT CHIRAC,
DESPITE MY LETTERS TO YOU, YOUR PEOPLE CONTINUE TO TREAT AMERICANS BADLY. AS SUCH, YOU MUST NOW BE PUNISHED.
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, EURODISNEY WILL BE EXPANDED TO INCLUDE THE ENTIRE NATION OF FRANCE.
...P.S. IF YOU'RE NICE, WE WON'T MAKE YOU WEAR THE MOUSE EARS.

DEAR FRENCH PRESIDENT CHIRAC,
WE SAVED YOUR PEOPLE
DURING WORLD WAR TWO...YET
WHEN WE TRAVEL TO YOUR COUNTRY,
YOU ARE ALL VERY RUDE.
PLEASE BE NICE OR WE WILL
ASK GERMANY TO ANNEX
YOU AGAIN.
P.S. WHY DO YOU
IGNORE ALL MY
LETTERS?

HOW ABOUT YOU, PIG?
OH, MY PROSPECTS LOOK EXTRAORDINARY, PHIL.
IN FACT, JUST LAST WEEK, I GOT AN E-MAIL FROM THE CHAIRMAN OF NIGERIA OFFERING ME A LARGE FEE FOR MY HELP IN TRANSFERRING $20,000,000 LOCKED UP IN OVERSEAS ACCOUNTS. I GAVE HIM MY BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER AND EXPECT MY FEE SHORTLY.

WITH MY RETURN ON THE REAL ESTATE INVESTMENT TRUSTS, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO RETIRE NEXT YEAR...
YOU KNOW, PHIL, MY EQUITIES PORTFOLIO HAS BEEN EXTRAORDINARY AS WELL. THE HEALTH CARE SECTOR HAS BEEN AMAZING...
EQUITIES HAVE BEEN WONDERFUL, BOB, BUT THIS WAS THE YEAR TO BE IN BONDS. I'VE DONE VERY WELL.
I SHOULDN'T BRAG SO OPENLY.

THAT CELLO SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL. WHO'S PLAYING IT?
YO-YO MA.
OH, AND I SUPPOSE THAT'S "HULA HOOP" PAPA ON THE FLUTE...
HE THINKS I'M SO STUPID.

YOU DUMB PIG!! YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOUR SISTER FARINA GOT MARRIED TO SOME GUY NAMED BOB, AND I CALLED HER FOR A DATE!!
I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOU.
HURT ME?? D'YOU THINK I WOULDN'T FIND OUT? NEVER KEEP BAD NEWS FROM ME!! I ALWAYS WANT TO KNOW!!
OKAY, THEN… STAY OUT OF YOUR CLOSET. BOB'S GOT A GUN.
IS HE HOME YET??

HI, IS FARINA THERE? IT'S ME, RAT.
YOU MUST BE THE GUY WHO KEEPS WRITING.
YEAH, THAT'S ME.. I'M CALLING TO SEE IF SHE'D LIKE TO GO ON A DATE THIS FRIDAY...
THIS IS HER HUSBAND.
.....PERHAPS YOU KNOW HER SCHEDULE.

DEAR FARINA,
THE LAST TEN MONTHS HAVE
BEEN VERY HARD WITHOUT YOU.
I JUST CAN’T STOP THINKING
ABOUT YOU.
I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO
SEE YOU AGAIN.... I AM SO
LONELY. MAYBE YOU ARE, TOO.
HONEY, THERE’S
A LETTER FOR YOU
FROM SOMEONE
NAMED “RAT.”
TOSS IT
IN THE
RECYCLING,
SWEETIE.

SIR, THE CUSTOMER AT TABLE TWELVE HAS REJECTED ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINE.
WHAT? THAT LAST BOTTLE WAS A 1961 BORDEAUX, IS HE INSANE?
THEY THINK I CAN'T READ THE EXPIRATION DATE, BUT I CAN.

I HEAR PIG JOINED A PEN PAL SERVICE.
YEAH. THEY PAIRED HIM UP WITH SOME INDIAN FARMER FROM CHIAPAS, MEXICO.
CHIPAS, MEXICO? THOSE INDIANS ARE ENGAGED IN A BRUTAL GUERILLA WAR TO OVERTHROW THE MEXICAN GOVERNMENT - WHAT'D PIG SAY TO HIM?
...AND MY FAVORITE CHARACTER IS ROSS, BUT IT USED TO BE CHANDLER.

GEEZ, THIS COMEDY CLUB IS EMPTY. WHAT'S GOING ON?
IT'S BOB HOPE NIGHT. HE'S THE SAME ACT EVERY NIGHT FOR FIFTY YEARS.
HEY, GOAT, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I'M SELLING IT... THEY'VE BEEN SHOWING THE SAME MOVIE AND TELLING THE SAME JOKES SINCE THE 1950S.
WHY YOU CLOSING DOWN THE MOVIE THEATER?
I GUESS PEOPLE GOT SICK OF SEEING "GONE WITH THE WIND" FOR SIXTY-THREE YEARS STRAIGHT.
GEE...WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I JUST HAD THE SCARIEST DREAM. RERUNS OF POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT WERE DYING BECAUSE EVERYBODY KEPT REMAKING THE SAME STUFF FOR OVER FIFTY YEARS.
THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE. HERE, HAVE A PICK OF THE SUNDAY FUNNIES... THAT OUGHTA CHEER YOU UP.
AAHH
HEH HEH HEH... WILL YA LOOK AT THAT CRAZY DAGWOOD...

I'VE STARTED A CATALOG BUSINESS, BUT I ONLY HAVE TWO PRODUCTS.
WHAT ARE THEY?
ONE IS A LAWN MOWER EQUIPPED WITH A VIDEO SCREEN THAT SHOWS THE 'SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT VIDEO'.
WHAT'S THE OTHER?
PROSTHETIC FEET.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO GET THIS SHORT, ANGRY, STUPID ELF IN THIS ENVELOPE.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
BECAUSE I'M ENTERING THIS SWEEPSTAKES AND TO WIN, YOU GOTTA INCLUDE ONE OF THESE WITH YOUR SUBMISSION.
PIG ... S.A.S.E. STANDS FOR "SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE."
D'YOU HEAR THAT, LARRY?... YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M IN THE FETAL POSITION. LIFE IS OVERWHELMING AND I'M NOT DEALING WITH IT VERY WELL.
THAT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME. YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD A PRETTY DARK NATURE. BUT SINCE WHEN DOES PIG HAVE TROUBLE COPING?
SINCE HE TRIPPED OVER ME.
I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M CURLED UP IN THE FETAL POSITION. I'VE DETERMINED THAT THIS IS THE BEST WAY OF COPING WITH LIFE.
HOW DOES IT HELP?
BECAUSE THIS WAS OUR POSITION IN THE WOMB, AND WHEN WE WERE IN THE WOMB, WE FELT SAFE AND SECURE.
WHEN I WAS IN THE WOMB, THERE WERE SIX PIGLETS KICKING ME IN THE HEAD.
LIE DOWN. I THINK I CAN HELP.

LOOK AT THIS SHOW ON HOW JAPANESE PEOPLE LIVE IN THESE TINY APARTMENTS.
GOSH, CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING TO LIVE IN A LITTLE BOX LIKE THAT?
SUDDENLY, I FEEL VERY CLAUSTROPHOBIC.

I JUST FORMED A CLUB. TO BE A MEMBER, YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE SECRET WORD.
OH, TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME.
PSST PSST PSST PSST PSST
...AND THE SECRET PASSWORD IS “WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU, YOU DUMB @#*!@*@ PIG.”

GEE, MARY ANNE, I DIDN'T THINK YOUR FATHER WOULD EVER LET YOU TAKE ME OUT ON A DATE.
YEAH, HE'S VERY PROTECTIVE OF ME. AND HE'S GOT A TERRIBLE TEMPER.
DOES HE EVER LET YOU GO ANYWHERE?
HE LETS ME GO TO MY GOLF TOURNAMENTS.
YEAH, I JUST GOT BACK FROM A TOUR-NAMENT WHERE I GOLFED REALLY WELL. THEY GAVE ME THIS COMMEMORATIVE GOLF TEE.
LOOK AT THAT... THEY MANAGED TO PRINT RIGHT ON THE SIDE.
YEAH, THEY OOPS... I DROPPED IT...
GOSH, WHERE'D IT GO?
I DON'T SEE ANY-WHERE... OH WELL. IT'S OKAY... WE NEED TO GET GOING...
WELL, THANKS FOR A GREAT NIGHT, MARY ANNE.
IT'S ABOUT TIME... YOU'RE TWO MINUTES LATE.
SORRY, SIR... WE LOST TRACK OF TIME... BUT YOUR DAUGHTER HERE LOST HER VIRGINIA TEE...
...GEEZ, YOU'D THINK I TOOK IT.