Pearls Before Swine | Search

MY SISTER FARINA IS COMING OVER.
THE ONE THAT'S SO PARANOID ABOUT GERMS SHE WORE GLOVES TO OUR HOUSE?
YEAH... AND APPARENTLY, SHE'S WEIRDER ABOUT IT THAN EVER.
IT DOESN'T GET MUCH WEIRDER THAN THAT.
HI.

HI, PIGTA. IT'S ME, PIGITA.
HI, PIGTA.
PIG, I'VE BEEN THINKING... WE'VE BEEN DATING A FEW WEEKS AND I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO MAKE A COMMITMENT.
INSTINCT PROPELS THE SALMON BACK TO THE RIVER.
IF YOU'RE NOT READY, WE'RE FINISHED.
THE SALMON STRUGGLES UPSTREAM. DANGER LURKS AT EVER TURN.
I WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY.
THE SALMON REACHES THE SPAWNING GROUND AND FULFILLS HIS APPOINTED TASK.
SO WHAT'S YOUR ANSWER?
HIS DUTY DONE, THE SALMON DIES A LONELY DEATH.
PIG??
PIG WHO?
* CLICK *

I JUST READ SOME OF WALT WHITMAN'S "LEAVES OF GRASS."
HOW WAS IT?
BAD. IT CONVINCED ME THAT POETRY IS A SHAM, LIKE PRO WRESTLING OR DIET PLANS THAT LET YOU EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT.
SO THAT'S WHY I'M STILL FAT.

WHAT'S A BLACK HOLE?
A SPOT IN THE UNI-VERSE THAT IS SO DENSE THAT NOT EVEN LIGHT CAN ESCAPE.
HI, GUYS.

HOW WAS THE DRIVING RANGE?
NOT GOOD... I THINK I KILLED A GUY WITH ONE OF MY SHOTS.
YOU WHAT...??
OH, RELAX... I GAVE HIM PLENTY OF WARNING.
FORE.

I'LL HAVE THE SOUP DU JOUR.
FINE. SOUP OF THE DAY FOR YOU.
OH, NO... I DON'T WANT THE SOUP OF THE DAY.
THE SOUP OF THE DAY IS THE SOUP DU JOUR.
OH, GREAT... I THOUGHT IT WAS THAT LOUSY CLAM CHOWDER.
IT IS.
OH... GEEZ... THEN JUST GIVE ME THE SOUP DU JOUR.

HERE ARE YOUR FRIED WONTONS, GENTLEMEN.
HEY BABY... HOW 'BOUT A LITTLE ACTION ?
SURE THING, SWEETIE... MY PLATE OR YOURS ?
I CAN'T STAND WANTON WONTONS.

MY ZEBRA HERD HELD A "TUPPERWARE" PARTY TO TRY AND TAKE THEIR MINDS OFF THE LIONS.
HOW'D IT GO?
BAD... THE LIONS CRASHED IT AND FEASTED ON ALL THE ZEBRAS.
WELL AT LEAST THEY HAD SOMEWHERE TO PUT THEIR LEFTOVERS.

A FOOTBALL GAME.
DID JOHN REMEMBER HIS WATCH?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU DUMB PIG?
IN EVERY GAME I SEE, THERE'S ALWAYS THIS GUY NAMED JOHN WHO FORGETS HIS WATCH...SO SOME BUDDY OF HIS HAS TO TELL HIM WHAT TIME IT IS.
SO THE BUDDY HOLDS UP THIS BIG SIGN THAT SAYS, "JOHN 3:16."
OH, GREAT...NOW LUKE FORGOT HIS WATCH.

WHAT ARE YOU READING ?
IT'S A MYSTERY.
HAVE YOU CHECKED THE TITLE PAGE ?

THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD IS MAD AT PIG.
WHY?
'CAUSE HE TRIED TO REPLACE HIS STOLEN NATIVITY SCENE LAWN FIGURINES WITH ANYTHING HE COULD FIND.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
TELL MY KID.. NO!!
NO, BILLY, JESUS' PARENTS WERE NOT FLAMINGOS.

HOW'S PIG'S SEARCH GOING FOR THE STOLEN NATIVITY SCENE FIGURINES?
BAD... HE'S HAVING A REAL HARD TIME COMMUNICATING WITH THE NEIGHBORS.
I SAID I'M LOOKING FOR JESUS.
HAVE YOU TRIED GOING TO CHURCH?
NO, I TRUST THE PRIEST.

WHERE IS PIG?
GOING DOOR-TO-DOOR LOOKING FOR HIS STOLEN NATIVITY SCENE FIGURINES.
ANY PROGRESS?
NO, I THINK THERE'S A COMMUNICATION PROBLEM.
HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS?
SLAM!!!

WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET?

SOMEONE STOLE SOME OF THE GUYS FROM MY NATIVITY SCENE ON THE FRONT LAWN.

WHO DID THEY TAKE?

JESUS, MARY, JOSEPH AND THE WISE MEN... ALL THAT’S LEFT IS A SHEEP, A DONKEY, AND A COW.

WELL, IT MAKES A NICE PETTING ZOO.

WHY IS PIG SETTING UP HIS NATIVITY SCENE ON YOUR FRONT LAWN IN THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER?
BECAUSE HE WANTS TO RUN THROUGH THE SPRINKLERS.
SEE...ONLY LOSERS RUN THROUGH SPRINKLERS ALONE. AT LEAST THIS WAY, HE THINKS HE CAN FOOL THE NEIGHBORS INTO BELIEVING HE HAS FRIENDS.
...AND THAT'S MY BUDDY, THE BABY JESUS. HE'S REAL QUIET, BUT THAT'S OKAY, ‘CAUSE WE GO WAAAAAAAAY BACK.

I'M SO SORRY, PIG.
I AM TOO, RAT.
I'M AFRAID THAT NOTHING CAN HELP YOU NOW.
I KNOW...I'LL TRY TO BE BRAVE.
OH, PIG, I..I..
I LOVE YOU, MAN!
I LOVE YOU TOO.
- I SAID DO I LOOK FATTER IN THE RED DRESS OR THE BLUE?

SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT AFTER YOU DIE, YOU RETURN TO LIFE IN A FORM BEFITTING THE TYPE OF LIFE YOU PRE -
VIOUSLY LED.
I MUST HAVE BEEN REALLY BAD.

THAT STUPID PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL CANCELED MY TALK SHOW AND REPLACED IT WITH SOME INSTRUCTIONAL SHOW ON CHEERLEADING?
CHEERLEADING?
YEAH, CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT? AS IF SOME MORON'S GONNA SIT IN HIS LIVING ROOM AND LEARN TO BE A CHEERLEADER.
PUSH 'EM BACK!! PUSH 'EM BACK!! WAAAAAAAY BACK!!

RAT, THE TALK SHOW HOST
NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW, WE'LL HAVE LEGENDARY CROONER, BING CROSBY.
psst psst psst psst
FOLKS, I'M AFRAID I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

RAT, THE TALK SHOW HOST
MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS MYRA HERTZ. SO, MYRA, WHAT'S YOUR LATEST FILM PROJECT?
NONE. I'M A WAITRESS AT "WAFFLE BARN." AND YOU KNOW THAT.
LET'S GIVE A BIG SHOUT-OUT TO WAFFLES.

I'M STARTING MY OWN CELEBRITY TALK SHOW ON THE PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL.
WILL YOU HAVE GUESTS?
OF COURSE I'LL HAVE GUESTS... MAYBE NOT THE BIGGEST STARS AT FIRST, BUT I'LL WORK MY WAY UP TO IT.....
SO, FRED, DO YOU ENJOY BEING MY GARBAGEMAN?

AND SO THE CROSSING GUARD LOOKS AT ME LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF PSYCHO AND SAYS, "YOU'LL STOP YOUR CAR WHEN I SAY SO."
SO I ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW AND YELL AT THE GUY, "LISTEN, MISTER, THIS IS JUST HOW THEM NAZIS IN CANADA GOT THEIR START."
GERMANY. AND I DON'T THINK THEY GOT THEIR START BEING SCHOOL CROSSING GUARDS.
SHOULDA SEEN THE LOOK ON THAT IDIOT'S FACE.

PIG SHOULD STOP GOING OUT WITH MOODY PIGITA.
HER MOOD SWINGS WILL DRIVE HIM NUTS.
I THINK HE'S FOUND A WAY TO CONTROL THE PROBLEM BY MAKING THEIR DINNER DATES A LITTLE SHORTER.
VROOM
SCREEEECH
RUN RUN RUN RUN
C'MON...
C'MON...
HUR!!
SMACK!!
HONK HONK!!
LOVE YOU, BABE!!
VROOM VROOM
VROOOOM
VROOOOOO...
MMMMMM...
CHINESE FOOD...

DID YOU ENJOY THE FIRST-EVER CONVENTION OF UNTHINKOLOGYS?
WHAT? I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT.
IT WAS IN OUR LIVING ROOM LAST NIGHT.
BUT THERE WAS NO ONE IN OUR LIVING ROOM.
HEY, IF YOU CAN'T THINK, YOU SURELY CAN'T REMEMBER TO ATTEND A STUPID CONVENTION.
I WASN'T THINKING.
GET YOUR OWN CLUB.

THE LANDLORD CAME BY TODAY AND ASKED WHY I HADN'T PAID THE RENT.
I TOLD HIM I WAS NOW AN UNTHINKOLOGIST, MEANING I NO LONGER THOUGHT ABOUT ANYTHING, INCLUDING THE RENT.
WHAT'D HE SAY?
THAT HE, TOO, ENJOYS PHILOSOPHY.
NO, I CAN'T SAY I'VE EVER HEARD OF UNTHINKOLOGY...