Pearls Before Swine | Search

THIS WRITER IS A MASTER OF IRONY.
MY MOM WAS PRETTY GOOD AT THAT.
WAS SHE A WRITER?
I DON'T THINK SO.
THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
MY SHIRTS LOOKED GREAT.

WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES ON SATURDAY?
I CAN'T.
I HAVE TO BUY A C.D.
A C.D.?... HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO BUY A C.D.?
AN HOUR...
...BUT IT TAKES ANOTHER SIX TO GET THE WRAPPING OFF.

I HAVE FOUNDED A NEW RELIGION... IT IS CALLED DOOMEDSHEEPANITY.
HOW'S IT WORK?
YOU SIN ALL YOU WANT... THEN, JUST BEFORE YOU DIE, YOU KILL A SHEEP. THE SHEEP ATONES FOR YOUR SINS, AND YOU HAD A GREAT LIFE.
WE WERE LESS THAN CANDID WITH OUR FIRST RECRUIT.

WHERE IS PIG TODAY?
HE SAID HE BOUGHT SOMETHING AT THE STORE AND WAS HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE DIRECTIONS.
ONE OF THOSE REAL HIGH-TECH ITEMS?
HE DIDN'T SAY.
LATHER. RINSE. REPEAT.

GEE, MISTER, YOU LOOK REAL SAD.
I AM. I LOST MY JOB. I LOST MY WIFE. AND I ALMOST GOT COOKED IN A MICROWAVE OVEN.
THAT'S BAD. YOU SHOULD'VE GONE TO THE COUNTY FAIR WITH ME. LOOK AT THIS GREAT BALLOON I GOT. HEY, MIND HOLDING IT WHILE I TIE MY SHOE?
FINE.
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
THWACK
GEEZ... YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYONE.
...HEY, WHO BUSTED THE CEILING FAN?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
MY LIST OF THE TOP TEN GREATEST INVENTIONS EVER.
OH, YEAH? WHAT ARE THEY?
WELL, FIRST IS THE GAS PUMP YOU STICK YOUR CREDIT CARD IN...IT LETS YOU GET YOUR GAS WITHOUT TALKING TO ANYONE.
SECOND IS "PAY-PER-VIEW" MOVIES...IT'S LETS YOU SEE MOVIES WITHOUT HAVING TO TALK TO THE GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER AT THE VIDEO STORE.
THIRD IS THE "FAST PASS" CARD AT TOLL BRIDGES....IT LETS YOU PAY THE TOLL AUTOMATICALLY SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH A DUMB TOLL BOOTH GUY.
BUT YOU'RE JUST CALLING STUFF GREAT THAT ELIMINATES CONTACT WITH OTHER PEOPLE. I LOVE TALKING FACE-TO-FACE WITH OTHERS...DON'T YOU?
MAYBE I'LL JUST FAX THIS TO YOU.

LAST WEEK, I VISITED MY COUSIN, RUSS TISOLE
I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T KNOW HE DIED.
WHO DIED?
YOUR COUSIN.
RUSS TISOLE?
I MISS HIM ALREADY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, PIG?
WELL, BOSS, I REALLY DO APPRECIATE THE JOB YOU'VE GIVEN ME AS MR. HAPPY EGG-
...BUT I MUST SAY THAT SOME OF YOUR RECENT HIRES SEEM TO POSE A THREAT TO MY JOB STABILITY.
DON'T BE SO PARANOID, EGG BOY.
GOT ANY LUNCH PLANS, BOSS?

WHY ARE YOU WEARING AN EGG COSTUME, PIG?
I GOT A JOB AS "MR. HAPPY EGG" FOR A POULTRY COMPANY.
BUT WHY ARE YOU WEARING IT NOW, WHEN YOU'RE NOT AT WORK?
BABES LOVE A MAN IN UNIFORM.

I'M HOOOOOOOOOOME....
HOW WAS WORK ?
I HAD A GREAT DAY.
ON THE WAY HOME, SOME TOTAL STRANGER SAW MY EGG COSTUME WAS A BIT FADED, SO HE OFFERED ME A SHINY COAT OF WHITE SPRAY PAINT.
KINDA RESTORES YOUR FAITH IN PEOPLE, HUH ?
BEAT ME !

I CAN'T BELIEVE PIG'S NEW PROMOTIONAL JOB REQUIRES HIM TO DRESS UP LIKE AN EGG.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
A GUY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SACRIFICE ALL HIS DIGNITY JUST TO MAKE A LIVING.
OH, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
TODAY, WE'LL THROW YOU OFF THE ROOF AND SEE IF YOU BREAK.
HOW DOES THAT HELP PROMOTE YOUR PRODUCT?
IT DOESN'T. IT JUST MAKES US LAUGH.

PIG JUST LEFT FOR HIS NEW JOB AT THE POULTRY COMPANY.
WHAT'S HE GONNA BE DOING?
PROMOTIONS, I THINK.
THAT'S GREAT. MAYBE HAVING A JOB WILL FINALLY GIVE HIM A LITTLE DIGNITY AND SELF-ESTEEM.
YOU MISSED YOUR BUS AGAIN, MISTER HAPPY EGG.
I GOTTA PUNCH EYE-HOLES IN THIS THING.

SALMON MIGRATION SCHOOL
GENTLEMEN, THERE ARE A
NUMBER OF THINGS YOU’LL
NEED TO REMEMBER FOR
YOUR TRIP UP RIVER.
FIRST, WATCH FOR SEALS...
THEY’RE TRYING TO KILL YOU.
SECOND, WATCH FOR
BEARS... THEY’RE TRYING
TO KILL YOU.
THIRD, WATCH FOR
FISHERMEN... THEY’RE
TRYING TO KILL YOU.
YES, JASON?
WOO HOO!
PARTAY PARTAY!
HEY LADIES!
WOOF
WOOF...
WOOF
WOOF
WOOF
UM...WHAT
HAPPENS IF
WE AVOID
ALL THAT?
WELL, IF YOU AVOID
ALL THAT, AND MAKE
IT UP RIVER, THEN
YOU GET TO SPAWN.
ACTUALLY, FRED,
YOU BECOME
HIDEOUSLY
DEFORMED AND
DIE.
OKAY, NOW THAT'S
A BUZZ KILLER.

I'LL PLAY YOU A GAME OF SOLITAIRE.
SOLITAIRE?.. YOU HAVE TO PLAY THAT BY YOURSELF.
OH... YOU DON'T LIKE SOLITAIRE?
I DO LIKE SOLITAIRE..... DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
YES.... YOU HATE ME.

WHAT'S THAT?
A CD-ROM I JUST BOUGHT.
WHAT'S ON IT?
ALL OF VAN GOGH'S PAINTINGS.
WOW. HE PAINTED SMALL.

I JUST GOT THIS "PROZAC" PRESCRIPTION FROM MY DOCTOR, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE HALF OF IT IS MISSING.
GEEZ... WHO WOULD STEAL SOMEBODY ELSE'S "PROZAC"?
PLAY IT COOL.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, BUT COULD I INTEREST YOU IN SOME LIFE INSURANCE?
LIFE INSURANCE?? DO YOU REALIZE IT'S TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING?
DEATH WAITS FOR NO ONE, MA'AM.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT COULD I INTEREST YOU IN A--
YOU STUPID TELEMARKETER! I'M EATING DINNER!
*CLICK*
BEEP BOOP BEEP BEEP BEEP BOP?
DONE YET?

NOW THEN, WHAT ARE YOUR SKILLS?
SKILLS? I HAVE NO SKILLS. I JUST LIKE ANNOYING PEOPLE AND I WANT TO GET PAID FOR IT.
...WELL, D@#* YOU, TOO, MA'AM.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE QUIET TONIGHT...IS ANYTHING WRONG?
NO... NOTHING'S WRONG.
I SAID NOTHING'S WRONG.
WELL, THERE YOU IS.
LOOK, FLAMIN' GUYS?
HI, I'M DR. RAT, WORLD-RENOWNED RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR AND AUTHOR OF "WHEN WORLD'S COLLIDE: MEN AND WOMEN ARE METEORS CRASHING INTO MARS."
I HAVE READ THE "WHAT'S WRONG, NOTHING" DYNAMIC MANY TIMES. THE PROBLEM IS YOU. FEMALES, RIGHT FUNCTIONALLY THEIRS
YOU HAVE MADE THE ASSUMPTION THAT YOUR PARTNER'S BIGNESS SPIKING A GUISE ENGLISH...
OH, YOU POOR SOULS...
RECENT STUDIES SHOW THAT THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE BRAIN DOES NOT ARISE THE FEMALE BRAINS INTO A NEON LIGHT DEFICIT, A BAFFLING COMBO THAT MAKES THE MIND WANDER MORE THAN MEN'S, WHO USE BOLD DRINKING WINE...
WHAT'S A POOR FELLOW TO DO?
LOOK, FLAP... FROM THIS, YER THE IMPROVISED IDEA. WE USE A SERIES OF HANDAYOMETISTS THAT WILL NEVER FAIL TO SATISFY THE NORM AND... DELIVER THE RESULTS. JUST WATCH...
WHAT'S WRONG?
NOTHING (HURRY, NOTHING)
OH, HONEY, I AM SO SORRY THAT THAT LANTERN

LISTEN TO THIS GREAT JOKE I HEARD... KNOCK KNOCK...
...WELL, AREN'T YOU GONNA SAY "WHO'S THERE?"
I'D LOVE TO, BUT I HAVE NOOOOOO IDEA.
IT WOULD BE FUNNIER WITHOUT ALL THE PUNCHING.

WHAT?! TELL HIM NO! TELL HIM NO!! YOU HEARD ME!!
YOU HEARD ME!! YES, YOU HEARD ME!! THAT'S RIGHT!! YOU HEARD ME!!
HOMELESS NUTBALL?
CELL PHONE EARPIECE.

HAVE YOU BEEN PRACTICING FOR YOUR DRIVING TEST?
YEAH... I THINK I'M READY... ALL I GOTTA REMEMBER IS BRAKE ON THE RIGHT, GAS ON THE LEFT.
OTHER WAY AROUND.
I GUESS THAT EXPLAINS THE UNLUCKY CROSSING GUARD.

GEE, LADY, THAT'S A REAL PRETTY DRESS.
I THINK YOU MEAN "SAREE."
I'LL APOLOGIZE WHEN I'M GOOD AND READY.

WHERE WERE YOU?
I CUT MY ARM, SO I WENT TO THE DOCTOR AND HE TOLD ME TO KEEP IT RAISED FOR A WHILE.
SO WHERE'D YOU GO?
WELL, I HAD SOME TIME TO KILL, SO I WENT TO WATCH AN ART AUCTION.
HOPE YOU LIKE ART.