Pearls Before Swine | Search

DID YOU KNOW THAT DURING RAINSTORMS, SOME TURKEYS TILT THEIR HEAD BACK TO DRINK THE RAIN AND THEN DROWN?
THAT'S JUST A MYTH... NO LIVING CREATURE CAN BE THAT STUPID.
...CAN'T... BREATHE...

TELEVISION IS CLEARLY THE MOST IMPORTANT DEVELOPMENT OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY.
WHAT ABOUT THE POLIO VACCINE?? THAT WAS KIND OF IMPORTANT.
NOT TO ME, IT ISN'T... I DON'T HAVE POLIO.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YEAH, I JUST PUT MY A.T.M. CARD IN YOUR A.T.M. OUTSIDE AND I CAN'T GET IT BACK.
WE DON'T HAVE AN A.T.M.
WHAT'S THAT OUT FRONT?
A NEWSPAPER RACK.
...CAN I BORROW A QUARTER?

MY MOM IS AN OX.
WHAT?
LOOK... SHE SIGNED HER LETTER "MOM OX."
SHE'S GIVING YOU HUGS AND KISSES
I DON'T WANT THEM FROM AN OX.

READY TO RAT BROKER...CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH...YESTERDAY YOU TOLD ME TO PUT MY KID'S ENTIRE COLLEGE SAVINGS INTO SOME INTERNET STOCK AND TODAY IT DROPPED 97%...
THAT'S BAD...YOU SHOULD SELL THAT DOG.
WHAT??!! JUST YESTERDAY YOU GAVE IT YOUR HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION
GOOD POINT...YOU SHOULD BUY MORE.
BUT YOU JUST SAID--
FORGET WHAT I SAID...
FORGET? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR MY KID'S COLLEGE?
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT BEING A STOCK BROKER?

DID YOU HEAR MR. BAILEY'S GUIDE DOG LOST HIS SIGHT?
HOW AWFUL. HOW WILL MR. BAILEY GET AROUND?

HEY, A HOPSCOTCH BOARD!
YIPPEEEE!!
IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT OF THE REFRIGERATOR?
I LEFT... IT WAS WAY TOO UNSAFE.
UNSAFE?
YEAH. GANGS RUN THE PLACE... IF YOU WANT PROTECTION, YOU GOTTA EITHER HANG WITH THE CONDIMENTS OR THE BEER...
WHO'D YOU PICK?
THE COTTAGE CHEESE.
YOU FOOL!
YES... I CHEATED DEATH...

COME OUT OF THE FRIDGE, PIG.
NO. THERE'S TOO MANY BAD PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, AND I'M SCARED.
WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY SAFER IN THE REFRIGERATOR?
I TRUST THE TOFU.

I HEARD PIG'S SO SCARED OF EVERYTHING, HE'S GONE INTO HIDING.
YEAH, HE'S IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
WHY WOULD SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO GO INTO HIDING CHOOSE THE REFRIGERATOR?
THERE WAS NO FOOD IN THE DRYER.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HE CONCLUDED THAT LIFE IS JUST TOO DANGEROUS, SO HE'S GOING INTO HIDING.
WHERE'S HE GONNA GO?
HE SAID HE'S GONNA FIND A SMALL, DARK PLACE WITH NO WINDOWS AND ENOUGH FOOD TO LAST FOR DAYS.
I CAN'T FEEL MY TOES.

YEAH, THIS STOCK I'M WATCHING HAS GONE UP, UP, UP... IS IT THE RIGHT TIME TO BUY?
WELL, IF YOU BUY IT, AND IT GOES UP, THEN YES, THAT WAS THE RIGHT TIME TO BUY
BUT IF YOU BUY IT, AND IT GOES DOWN, THEN NO, IT WAS NOT THE RIGHT TIME TO BUY ....
YEAH, BUT WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND?
I RECOMMEND YOU BUY IT IF THE RIGHT TIME.
HUH??
WELL, ARE YOU RECOMMENDING THAT NOW IS THE RIGHT TIME?
YES .... ASSUMING IT'S GONNA GO UP.
SIR, YOU SOUND CONFUSED. PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE MY LATEST NEWSLETTER.... "BUYING STOCKS WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT."
FINE .... SEND IT ....
FINE, BUT I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND READING IT.

WELCOME to the
Church of the
Amazing Grace
Annual Festival
LOST
AND
FOUND
STILL
LOST

AND THAT'S WHY THE LIBRARIAN YELLED AT ME, IN A NUTSHELL.
BUT YOU SAID IT HAPPENED IN THE LIBRARY.
IT DID HAPPEN IN THE LIBRARY.
AHHHHHH..... THEN WHAT'S THIS ABOUT A NUTSHELL?
I'D MAKE A GOOD DETECTIVE.

OKAY...ONE OF YOU SIMIANS
OBVIOUSLY DISCLOSED RAT
BROKER'S PATENTED METHOD OF
HAVING DRUNK MONKEYS PICK
STOCKS...SO YOU'RE ALL FIRED.
OOO
OOO
EEE.
THAT'S RIGHT, LARRY.
UNDER PARAGRAPH 3(B)
OF THE LABOR AGREEMENT,
YOUR EMPLOYEE STOCK
OPTIONS ARE FORFEITED.
EEE
EEE
OOO.
PERSONAL THREATS
WILL NOT BE
TOLERATED.

RAT BROKER... CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, YOU'RE AN IDIOT... ALL YOUR STOCK PICKS STINK!!
WHADDYA GOT OVER THERE,
A BUNCH OF DRUNK MONKEYS
THROWING DARTS AT
THE BUSINESS SECTION?!!?
OKAY, WHO HERE VIOLATED OUR
CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENT?

WELCOME TO RAT BROKER.
MAY I HELP YOU?
YEAH, EVERY STOCK YOU'VE RECOMMENDED HAS TANKED!!
WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET?
BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE MONEY!!
YOU NEED TO BE A LOT CLEARER ABOUT YOUR INVESTMENT OBJECTIVES BEFOREHAND.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M A STOCKBROKER NOW.
WHAT QUALIFIES YOU TO BE A STOCKBROKER?
I LIKE TO TAKE PEOPLE'S HARD-EARNED MONEY AND PROVIDE NO VALUABLE SERVICE IN RETURN.
WOULDN'T PICKPOCKETING BE SIMPLER?
YEAH, BUT MY HANDS ARE TOO SLOW.

I MET THE LUCKIEST LITTLE CANARY AT THE PARK TODAY.
WHAT MAKES HIM SO LUCKY?
BECAUSE HE HAS THE WORLD'S EASIEST JOB.
WHAT'S HE DO?
WELL, HE TRAVELS INTO COAL MINES WITH THESE MINERS AND WHILE THE MINERS SLAVE AWAY, HE JUST SITS THERE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT... THEY DON'T MAKE HIM DIG OR ANYTHING.
HE SAYS THAT WITH ALL THAT FREE TIME, HE READS MAGAZINES, DOES WORD JUMBLES AND WRITES LETTERS TO HIS GIRLFRIEND...
SOME GUYS HAVE ALL THE LUCK...

WHERE'S YOUR FRIEND, "MR. QUIET UNDERWATER GUY"?
WE HAD A FALLING OUT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, HE NEVER TALKED AND HE WAS ALWAYS STARING AT ME, SO I JUST BLEW UP AT HIM.
HOW'D HE REACT?
I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM THAT MAD.

THEY DRAINED THE REFLECTING POOL... NOW I CAN'T FIND "MR. QUIET UNDERWATER GUY."
HAVE YOU TRIED THE AMUSEMENT PARK? I HEAR HE LIKES THE HOUSE OF MIRRORS.
GOSH, YOU'VE REALLY LET YOURSELF GO.

HOW CAN PIG THINK HIS REFLECTION IN A POOL IS AN ACTUAL PIG?
I MEAN, HE MUST SEE HIMSELF IN THE BATHROOM MIRROR EVERY MORNING, AND HE DOESN'T THINK THAT'S ANOTHER PIG...
...DOES HE?
YOU REMIND ME OF MY OTHER FRIEND "MR. QUIET MEDICINE CABINET GUY."

WHERE IS PIG?
HE AND RAT WENT DOWNTOWN TO SEE PIG'S NEW FRIEND.
OH, THAT QUIET GUY HE MEETS AT THE REFLECTING POOL?
YEAH... HE REALLY WANTS RAT TO MEET HIM.
OKAY, NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU DIDN'T MENTION YOU WERE BRINGING ANYONE.

I HEARD PIG MADE SOME FRIEND AT THE REFLECTING POOL DOWNTOWN.
YEAH, BUT IT'S STRANGE BECAUSE PIG SAYS THE GUY WON'T TELL HIM HIS NAME.
HOW ABOUT IF I JUST CALL YOU MR. QUIET UNDERWATER GUY?

WHERE IS PIG ?
HE SAID HE WENT TO MEET SOME OTHER PIG AT THE REFLECTING POOL DOWNTOWN.
THAT'S GREAT... IT'S NICE TO KNOW HE CAN GO OUT ON HIS OWN AND MAKE NEW FRIENDS.
SO... HOW DO YOU BREATHE UNDER THERE ?