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I'VE DECIDED TO EXPLOIT FAT PEOPLE BY CREATING A BOGUS WEIGHT-LOSS SCHEME THAT IN-VOLVES NO EXERCISE AND PROMISES GREAT RESULTS.
WHAT WILL IT BE?
IT'S CALLED "BOX ME IN." I WILL SELL THEM A CARDBOARD BOX AND TELL THEM TO SHOVE THEM-SELVES INSIDE IT UNTIL THEY SEE RESULTS.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
A few days after sealing the box, you will become hungry.
DO NOT BE AFRAID.
The box is WORKING!

Dear Mother,
I just visited a therapist who said I needed to work out some issues with you.
I told him how everything you say to me always contains some sort of subtle criticism.
He said I should tell you how I feel and that you would understand.
He said you probably don’t even realize how often you do it… Thanks, mom, I feel better already.
Dear Monkeybrain,
Could you give me some examples?
Sigh...

LOOK WHAT THIS DUMB GUY WROTE. HE SPELLED COLOR "C-O-L-O-U-R."
HE'S A BRIT, NITWIT.
WHAT'S A BRITNITWIT?
NO, A BRIT... NITWIT...
I... HEARD... YOU... THE... FIRST... TIME...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SHOVING GRAPES UP MY NOSE.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
I RAN OUT OF PEAS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SHOVING PEAS UP MY NOSE.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
JUST PASSING TIME.

I'M HOME.
HOW WAS THE BARBECUE?
NOT SO GOOD... THEY MADE US PLAY A BUNCH OF DUMB GAMES.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
I DON'T LIKE BOBBING FOR BURGERS.

THIS BOOK SAYS THAT IF YOU LET A ROOMFUL OF MONKEYS TYPE FOR INFINITY, THEY'LL EVENTUALLY WRITE THE COMPLETE WORKS OF SHAKESPEARE.
SO? WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO PROVE?
MONKEYS PLAGIARIZE.

WE NEED INSURANCE ON THIS PLACE. CALL AN INSURANCE COMPANY AND GET A QUOTE.
...HAPPY HOMES INSURANCE.
YES, I’D LIKE A QUOTE.
ALRIGHT... LET’S SEE WHAT WE CAN DO FOR YOU.
ALRIGHT... LET’S SEE WHAT WE CAN DO FOR YOU.

WHAT IS THAT?
A LAWYER...I BOUGHT HIM AT A GARAGE SALE.
A GARAGE SALE?
YEAH. THE TOWN'S JUST FILLED WITH THESE GUYS, SO THEY'RE PRACTICALLY GIVIN' 'EM AWAY.
WHAT CAN I DO WITH A LAWYER?
I DUNNO...I WAS THINKING I’D STICK HIM IN THE PASSENGER SEAT SO I CAN USE THE CARPOOL LANE.
...AND WHEN WE’RE AT HOME, I THINK HE’D MAKE A NICE LAMP.
THAT’S GREAT...LEMME TAKE A CLOSER LOOK.
NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO
IT SUED ME.
NEVER PET A STRANGE LAWYER.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I JUST LOST MY WALLET.
HAVE YOU FOUND IT YET?
NO... THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
WELL, COME BACK WHEN YOU'VE FOUND IT AND MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU.
THIS NEW JOB WOULD BE SO EASY IF IT WEREN'T FOR ALL THE VIOLENCE.

MY ZEBRA HERD HAS STARTED DRESSING UP IN COSTUMES TO DISGUISE THEMSELVES FROM THE LIONS.
HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT TOO GOOD... THEY'RE STILL GETTING KILLED.
WHAT ARE THEY DRESSED AS?
GAZELLE.

YOU SPILLED THE SALT, SAMMY... TOSS IT OVER YOUR SHOULDER QUICK OR YOU'LL HAVE BAD LUCK.
I CAN'T SUDS HAVE NO HANDS! YOU DO IT!
HERE!
UGHH!
THAT WASN'T VERY LUCKY.

I HEARD YOU LOST YOUR CITY COUNCIL RACE TO A DEAD GUY.
YEAH. THE VOTE WAS 101,037 TO 1.
WOW. HOW HUMILIATING… THE ONLY VOTE YOU GOT WAS YOUR OWN.
ARE YOU KIDDING? I VOTED FOR THE DEAD GUY.
I HAD SOME TROUBLE WITH THE BUTTERFLY BALLOT.

SIR, IF YOU'RE ADVOCATING THE INVASION OF MEXICO BECAUSE IT'S CLOSE, DO YOU ALSO ADVOCATE THE INVASION OF CANADA?
NO, I DON'T.
WHY NOT, SIR?
BECAUSE IT'S MY UNDERSTANDING WE'VE ALREADY GOT THAT.
NO, SIR...WE JUST PLAY HOCKEY TOGETHER.
HOW ARE THEIR TACOS?

SIR, HOW ARE YOU PLANNING TO ACCOMPLISH THIS INVASION OF MEXICO?
I PLAN ON ARMING THE COLLEGE STUDENTS WHO GO TO CANCUN FOR SPRING BREAK AND GIVING THEM MAPS TO MEXICO CITY....
...BY YOUR SILENCE, I'M GUESSING YOU'D LIKE A SPELLING ON "CANCUN".

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT I'M RAT, AND I'M RUNNING FOR CITY COUNCIL... I'D LIKE YOUR VOTE.
WHY SHOULD I VOTE FOR YOU?
BECAUSE I'M THE ONLY CANDIDATE WHO PROMISES THAT IF ELECTED, I WILL INVADE MEXICO.
INVADE MEXICO? WHY WOULD I WANT YOU TO INVADE MEXICO?
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT EXPECTING IT.
YOU CAN'T INVADE A COUNTRY JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT EXPECTING IT.
I KNOW... THAT'S WHERE THE TACOS COME IN.
THE TACOS?
THEY'VE GOT THE TACOS.
TACOS.
YOU'RE A FEW BEANS SHORT OF A BURRITO.
YES. THEY'VE GOT THOSE TOO.

SIR, WHY ARE YOU ADVOCATING THE INVASION OF MEXICO?
BECAUSE THEY'RE RIGHT NEXT DOOR AND THEY'RE VERY, VERY WEAK.
AND HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO SELL THIS TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?
TACOS. TACOS. TACOS.

SIR, ARE YOU ADVOCATING THE INVASION OF MEXICO BY ARMED U.S. FORCES?
YES. I AM.
BUT MEXICO HAS BEEN A FRIEND OF THE U.S. FOR OVER FIFTY YEARS.
YES. SURPRISE IS A KEY ELEMENT HERE.

NOW THAT I'VE BEEN CAUGHT FAKING MY OWN DEATH, I WILL HAVE TO CHANGE THE FOCUS OF MY CITY COUNCIL CAMPAIGN.
TO WHAT?
ISSUES, MY FAT FRIEND, ISSUES. I WILL PICK ONE ISSUE AND RUN ON THAT. I'LL KEEP IT REAL SIMPLE BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE STUPID.
WHAT'LL BE YOUR ISSUE?
...AND IF ELECTED, I WILL INVADE MEXICO.

LOOKS LIKE MY ATTEMPT AT FAKING MY DEATH WAS A FAILURE.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
SOME CAMERA CREW CAUGHT ME BUYING EGGS IN THE GROCERY STORE.
HOPE YOU HANDLED IT WELL.
LAZARUS LOVES HIS OMELETTES!!!

THE WORLD WAS SHOCKED TODAY TO LEARN OF THE DEATH OF RAT.
THIS OF COURSE MEANS THAT THE TOWN'S CITY COUNCIL ELECTION IS A RACE BETWEEN TWO DECEASED CANDIDATES.
A DEAD HEAT, IF YOU WILL.
JOHN, PLEASE.
... TALK ABOUT YOUR "STIFF" COMPETITION.

THE POLLS SHOW THAT YOU'RE LOSING IN YOUR CITY COUNCIL RACE AGAINST THAT DEAD GUY.
YEAH... THE SYMPATHY FACTOR IS KILLING ME. BUT DON'T WORRY... I'VE GOT A PLAN TO COUNTER THAT.
THE RAT IS DEAD.
DEAD? HOW?
HE DIDN'T SAY.

DEAR LIONS,
AS YOU KNOW, MY ZEBRA
HERD HAS WRITTEN TO YOU
NUMEROUS TIMES TO
TRY AND IMPROVE OUR RELATIONSHIP
GIVEN THAT THESE EFFORTS
HAVE NOT BEEN SUCCESSFUL,
THE TEMPTATION IS TO
BLAME THE OTHER PARTY
HOWEVER, AS SUCH ACCUSATIONS
COULD BECOME COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE,
WE ZEBRAS HAVE TAKEN IT UPON
OURSELVES TO EXAMINE OUR OWN
POSSIBLE FAULT IN THIS
WHY ARE WE CONSISTENTLY KILLED?
PERHAPS WE ARE DEFENSIST. PERHAPS
WE'VE ENSURED CHILDHOOD SCARS
THAT CREATE A FEELING OF UNWORTH-
INESS... PERHAPS WE'RE ENABLERS
WE INVITE YOU TO EXAMINE YOUR OWN
MOTIVES IN THIS AND REFLECT THOUGH-
TFULLY ON WHY IT IS YOU FEEL COMPELLED
TO KILL... WE LOOK FORWARD TO RECEIVING
YOUR THOUGHTS
YOU
TASTE
GUD
SIGH

SIR, SOME ARE SAYING THAT
IN YOUR BID FOR CITY COUNCIL,
YOU'RE TRYING TO CAPITALIZE
ON THE FACT THAT YOUR
OPPONENT IS DECEASED.
LIES. ALL LIES. I DEMAND
THAT MY OPPONENT REPUDIATE
THESE VICIOUS RUMORS.
YOUR SILENCE IS DEAFENING.

I HEARD YOU'RE RUNNING FOR CITY COUNCIL.
YES... AND MY OPPONENT REFUSES TO DEBATE ME.

I HEARD YOUR OPPONENT IS DEAD.
HE HAS A LOT OF EXCUSES.