Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'M GONNA RUN FOR CITY COUNCIL.
WHY?
'CAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE OTHER GUY ON THE BALLOT AND HE JUST DIED.
WHY IS THAT GOOD?
THE DEBATES WILL BE A BREEZE.

AT THE SIGN CONVENTION.
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, JOHN.
GOOD TO SEE YOU, HEDDA. DID YOUR HUSBAND COME WITH YOU THIS YEAR?
NO. HE BROKE BOTH HIS LEGS SKIING LAST WEEK, SO HE DECIDED TO STAY HOME.

AT THE SIGN CONVENTION.
HEY, IT’S THE BATHROOM SIGN GUY...HOW ‘BOUT AN AUTOGRAPH, BATHROOM SIGN GUY?
YOU KNOW, I’D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DIDN’T CALL ME “THE BATHROOM SIGN GUY”. I DO HAVE A NAME.
I’M SORRY. WHAT’S YOUR NAME?
JOHN.

THEY'RE HAVING A SIGN CONVENTION DOWNTOWN.
A SIGN CONVENTION? WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE WOULD GO TO A SIGN CONVENTION?
...BUY YOU LADIES A DRINK?

I MET THE NICEST GUY WHILE DRIVING AROUND TODAY.
WHAT MADE HIM SO NICE?
WELL, HE LOOKED AT ME AND GAVE ME A BIG THUMBS-UP.
A BIG THUMBS-UP?
YEAH, AND IT'S NOT EVERY DAY THAT HAPPENS TO ME, SO I SAVORED THE MOMENT BY DRIVING REALLY SLOW AROUND THE BLOCK.
HEH HEH HEH... AND YOU KNOW WHAT? HE KEPT GIVING ME THE SAME THUMBS-UP AND EVEN RAN TOWARD THE CAR TO MAKE SURE I COULD SEE HIS KIND GESTURE.
THEN, AS I DROVE OFF, HE INDICATED I WAS "NUMBER ONE."

"THERE WAS AN OLD WOMAN WHO LIVED IN A SHOE..."
SHE SHOULD HAVE PLANNED BETTER FOR HER RETIREMENT.

I'M SORRY, BOB, BUT I WON'T BE ABLE TO COME TO YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY TOMORROW, SO HERE'S MY GIFT NOW.
PARTY? WHAT PARTY?
THE SURPRISE PARTY...THE ONE YOUR WIFE'S GIVING YOU.
BOB AND HIS WIFE DON'T TALK MUCH.

WHEN MY COUSIN BURT WAS KILLED BY THE CROCODILES, HE TRIED TO BE COOL AND GET OFF THAT FAMOUS NATHAN HALE LINE
YOU MEAN, "I REGRET THAT I HAVE BUT ONE LIFE TO LOSE FOR MY COUNTRY"?
YEAH, BUT HE MIXED UP SOME WORDS AND DIDN'T FINISH IT.
"I REGRET THAT I HAVE ONE BUTT?"

...AND IF I HIRED YOU FOR THE JOB, WHAT STRENGTHS COULD YOU CONTRIBUTE TO THE COMPANY?
YOU ARE SOOOOOOOO FAT.
MAYBE I OUGHT TO EXPLAIN WHAT WE MEAN BY A "MOCK" INTERVIEW.
HANG ON, MONKEY BREATH... I'M JUST GETTING STARTED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING TO DRAW A STRAIGHT LINE WITH THIS PEN.
HAVE YOU TRIED USING A RULER?
MUST BE OUT OF INK.

TODAY'S COLUMBUS DAY.... THAT'S THE DAY COLUMBUS DISCOVERED AMERICA.
HOW CAN ANYONE SAY HE "DISCOVERED" AMERICA.... NATIVE AMERICANS HAD BEEN LIVING HERE FOR CENTURIES.
MAYBE THEY WERE HIDING UNDER ROCKS.

WHAT A GREAT HOTEL ROOM. TOO BAD YOU HAD TO ARGUE WITH THE HOTEL CLERK LIKE THAT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I WANTED A ROOM BY THE OCEAN AND HE WAS GONNA PUT US NEXT TO THE PARKING LOT.
I KNOW, BUT…
BUT NOTHING, LISTEN, PIG... YOU GOTTA KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THESE HOTEL PEOPLE. YOU EITHER STAND UP FOR YOURSELF OR THEY'LL WALK ALL OVER YOU.
WHEN I SAY I WANT A ROOM BY THE OCEAN, I WANT A ROOM BY THE OCEAN....PERIOD...NOW LET'S GO TO THE BEACH.
I'LL LEAVE THE RADIO INSIDE.

ALRIGHT, NIKOS PAPANDROPOULOS, COME WITH ME.
NIKOS WHO? THAT'S MY GUARDIAN ANGEL.
WRONG... HE'S AN ESCAPEE FROM A MENTAL INSTITUTION WHO LIKES TO POSE AS VARIOUS RELIGIOUS FIGURES.
YOU'RE MAKING MOSES VERY ANGRY.
LET MY NIKO GO.

LISTEN, YOU CAN'T HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR ALL THE GUYS I'VE LOST.
WHY NOT?
WELL, AT LEAST TWO OF THEM WERE SMOKERS.
OH.. THEY DIED FROM SMOKING?
NO... THEY WERE HIT BY TRUCKS. BUT THEY WOULD HAVE DIED FROM SMOKING.

PIG GETS A GUARDIAN ANGEL
WHY SHOULD I LET YOU BE MY GUARDIAN ANGEL IF YOU CAN'T GUARANTEE MY SAFETY, NIKO?
WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY... BECAUSE I TRY HARDER.
MAYBE I SHOULD RENT CARS INSTEAD.

PIG GETS A GUARDIAN ANGEL
WHAT GOOD IS A GUARDIAN ANGEL IF YOU CAN'T KEEP ME SAFE?
GIMME A BREAK.
UP UNTIL YOU, EVERYONE I'VE GUARDED HAS SAID THAT MY VERY PRESENCE GIVES THEM PEACE OF MIND.
THOSE PEOPLE ARE DEAD NOW, NIKO.
I DIDN'T SAY THEY WERE SMART.

PIG GETS A GUARDIAN ANGEL.
NOT TO BE RUDE, NIKO, BUT I DON'T WANT YOU AS A GUARDIAN ANGEL IF YOU CAN'T KEEP ME SAFE.
OH, C'MON...
I'VE ONLY LOST A FEW GUYS...
OVER WHAT TIME PERIOD?
UH... LAST WEEK.
IT WAS A VERY BAD WEEK, OKAY?!

HELLO, PIG...
I'M NIKO, YOUR
GUARDIAN
ANGEL.
WOW...WHERE
HAVE YOU
BEEN ALL
MY LIFE?
WELL... UP UNTIL
YESTERDAY, I WAS
THE GUARDIAN ANGEL
FOR ANOTHER GUY.
WHAT
HAPPENED
TO
HIM?
I DIDN'T DO SO GOOD.

Dear Mr. Publisher,
I recently received a form letter from you saying that you had rejected my manuscript,"The Adventures of Angry Bob."
As a professional myself, I realize that you have a job to do and have to make close judgment calls like this on a daily basis. Thus, I am not one to whine.
At the same time, I am sure you realize what a gut-level book that "Angry Bob" could revolutionize publishing.
For now, why don't you share with me your thought process in this regard and let us see what we can do to move this project forward.
Dear Sir,
You are the worst writer I have seen in 46 years in the publishing business.
May a bus run you over.
THESE PERSONALIZED REJECTIONS ARE A GREAT SIGN.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I WAS ROUGHED UP BY SOME GUARDS AT THE ART MUSEUM.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I GOT CAUGHT RUBBING A STILL-LIFE FRUIT PAINTING.
WHY'D YOU DO THAT?
I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE A SCRATCH AND SNIFF.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I WAS MAKING A MILKSHAKE AND THE STUPID BLENDER EXPLODED.
I TELL YOU, PIG... THE APPLIANCES ARE OUT TO GET ME.
SO NOW YOU THINK IT'S A CONSPIRACY?
EXCELLENT WORK... NOW GO TELL THE TOASTER I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO HER.
YESSIR.

WHERE'D ALL THIS WATER COME FROM?
THE WASHER ACCIDENTALLY OVERFLOWED.
"ACCIDENTALLY"? THE WASHER AND DRYER DON'T HAVE "ACCIDENTS". THEY HAVE AGENDAS.
HOW CAN YOU BE SO PARANOID?
IT'S SO ROMANTIC, BOB... YOU, ME, OUR VERY OWN JACUZZI.
I'M FEELING FRISKY, PAT.

I CLEANED MY SOCKS TODAY.
AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS?
NOPE.
HOW COME THAT STUPID DRYER ONLY STEALS MY SOCKS? WHY DO YOU GET A FREE RIDE ALL THE TIME??
I LIKE THE PIG.

WHERE IS RAT GOING WITH THAT SLEDGEHAMMER?
HE'S MAD AT THE DRYER FOR TAKING HIS SOCKS.
WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO TO LOSE YOUR TEMPER AT AN APPLIANCE?
GIMME THE SOCKS OR THE WASHER GETS IT.
LEAVE THE WASHER OUT OF THIS.
HE'S NOT BLUFFING, BOB.

WHERE YOU GOING WITH THAT SLEDGEHAMMER?
WHY?
I'M GONNA POUND THE BEJEEPERS OUT OF OUR DRYER.
BECAUSE I'M NOW MISSING SIX SOCKS AND I KNOW HE'S TAKING THEM.
IT'S A MACHINE. IT CAN'T THINK.
I WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED.