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"THE ADVENTURES OF ANGRY BOB" VOLUME III
ANGRY BOB WAS ANGRY. HE WENT TO THE DINER AND PUNCHED FRANK.
FRANK PUNCHED BOB BACK. SO BOB PUNCHED FRANK. AND BOB PUNCHED FRANK.
AND BOB PUNCHED FRANK. AND BOB PUNCHED FRANK. AND BOB PUNCHED FRANK.
GEEZ, ALL THIS FIGHTING . IF YOU'RE GONNA SELL THIS NOVEL TO WOMEN, YOU'RE GONNA NEED A LITTLE ROMANCE IN THERE TOO.
MYRA SMILED AT BOB. BOB SMILED AT MYRA. AND BOB PUNCHED FRANK.

IS THERE A HALL OF FAME FOR PIGS?
I DON'T THINK SO.
NO HALL OF FAME?.. THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU LED A WORTHWHILE PIG LIFE?
DEAD PIGS DON'T THINK.
NO WONDER WE EAT YOU.

I LOVE THE FORTUNE COOKIES I GET HERE... THIS ONE SAYS, "YOUR NAME WILL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED WITH GREAT ADMIRATION." HEH HEH HEH.
READ YOURS
"THE MONKEY WHO FORGETS YOUR NAME WILL BITE YOUR BIG, FLOPPY EARS."
AND YOU ARE?
SCARED.

HOW MANY IN YOUR PARTY?
OH, I'M NOT HAVING A PARTY.
I KNOW YOU'RE NOT HAVING A PARTY.
ARE YOU HAVING A PARTY?
I'M HAVING A HARD TIME NOT PUNCHING YOU IN THE HEAD.
OHHH...
I WON'T BE COMING TO YOUR PARTY.

I HAD A JOB INTERVIEW TODAY, BUT I DON'T THINK I GOT THE JOB.
WHY NOT?
I INTERVIEWED WITH THE GUY IN CHARGE AND I JUST GOT A BAD FEELING.
WHY WAS THAT?

I'M THINKING ABOUT PUSHING YOU OFF A TALL CLIFF AND FILMING WHAT HAPPENS.
WHAT FOR?
'CAUSE THEN I CAN GET ON ONE OF THOSE "SHOCKING VIDEO" SHOWS AND BE FAMOUS.
BUT I COULD GET HURT.
THERE'S NO "I" IN "TEAM".

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
I THINK IT'S AN EPISODE OF "COPS"...
...SOME DRUNK LADY IS BUSTING LIQUOR BOTTLES ON A BOAT.
THAT'S NANCY REAGAN... AND SHE'S CHRISTENING AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER.
YOU KNOW HER?.. YOU MUST BE SO ASHAMED.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
ANOTHER VOLUME OF "THE ADVENTURES OF ANGRY BOB."
BUT HE DIED IN VOLUME ONE.
I FIXED THAT.
FIXED IT?
YES. READ VOLUME TWO.
ANGRY BOB UNDIED.
THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER READ.
TO CELEBRATE THE MIRACLE OF ANGRY BOB, THE PIOUS TOWNFOLK OFFERED A SACRIFICE... THE BIG, FAT GOAT WAS THE FIRST TO GO.

GOODBYE, PIG. PERHAPS WE CAN MEET AGAIN IN ANOTHER WORLD WHERE I DO NOT TAKE THE FORM OF A TASTY HOLIDAY TREAT......
... TAKE GOOD CARE OF MY GINGERBREAD WIFE AND MY GINGERBREAD HOUSE.
I GIVE YOU MY SOLEMN WORD, TOOTY.
CRUNCH
CRUNCH
CRUNCH
UUURP

I'VE BROUGHT OVER TWO OF THE ANGEL COOKIES WHO'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU LAST RITES.
ANGELS? I DON'T WANT ANGELS...I'M AN ATHEIST.
RUDOLPH AND FROSTY WOULD LIKE TO SAY "TOODLES".

I'M FADING FAST, PIG.
HANG ON, TOOTY! YOU'VE GOT SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!
I'VE GOT NO HEAD...WHAT IS THERE TO LIVE FOR?
I BET THEY'LL LET YOU PARK IN THOSE HANDICAPPED SPOTS.

LISTEN, TOOTY. WE'RE GONNA FIND WHO ATE YOUR HEAD.
HOW YOU GONNA DO THAT?
WELL... I'LL LINE UP SOME PROBABLE SUSPECTS AND YOU TAKE A GOOD LONG LOOK AT THEM...
DO YOU THINK I SEE OUT OF MY G#@*??
TOOTY!!
SORRY... I LOST MY HEAD.

TOOTY, WHAT HAPPENED??
I DUNNO.. I WAS JUST LAYING HERE STARING AT THE CEILING AND EVERYTHING WENT DARK.
GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT, PIG.. HOW BAD IS IT?
YOU'VE GOT NO HEAD, TOOTY.
THAT'S BAD.

RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO COME INTO THE KITCHEN AND MEET MY NEW FRIEND, TOOTY, THE GINGERBREAD MAN.
OH... WE'VE MET.
DID YOU LIKE HIM?
YES, I DID.
THE HORROR. THE HORROR.

The Adventures of Angry Bob Volume I
Angry Bob was angry. Very, very angry. He went to the Waffle Barn and ordered two waffles but they did not make him happy.
He went to the park. It was sunny. He sat on the warm grass and took off his shoes and smoked a cigarette.
It felt good.
He spotted the hot dog stand. "I will buy a hot dog and a lemonade and read a book," he said. "Then I will be happy."
Bob ate his hot dog and drank his lemonade. He put on his glasses and began to read his book. The happiness that had eluded Angry Bob for 33 years was finally his.
A Frisbee smashed into Bob's face. Bob choked on the hot dog and died.
THERE'S A LESSON IN THERE SOMEWHERE.

I JOINED A GYM.
IT'S ABOUT TIME... WHAT EXERCISES DO YOU DO?
LATELY, I'VE BEEN GETTING UP ON THE TREADMILL.
HOW FAST DO YOU GO?
NOT VERY... I DON'T TURN IT ON.

I INTERVIEWED TODAY FOR A SPOT IN THE POLICE ACADEMY BUT I DON'T THINK THEY'RE GONNA TAKE ME.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE THEY ASKED ME WHY I WANTED TO BE A COP AND I THINK I GAVE A WRONG ANSWER.
I'M SURE THERE ARE NO WRONG ANSWERS.
I LIKE TO BEAT PEOPLE UP.

I LOVE THE FORTUNE COOKIES I GET HERE... LISTEN TO THIS... "OPPORTUNITY WILL KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR"... HEH HEH HEH....
READ YOURS.
"OPPORTUNITY WILL DOORBELL DITCH YOU, YOU STUPID PIG."
OPPORTUNITY MOCKS.

DEAR GOD,
PLEASE DON'T LET
ANY CHILD EVER
LOSE A MOM OR
DAD AGAIN.

IN A STRANGE RITUAL, THE ZEBRA CLOSES HIS EYES AND SWAYS HIS HEAD FROM SIDE TO SIDE.....
...WHEN THE LION POUNCES, THE ZEBRA IS CAUGHT COMPLETELY UNAWARE.
ZEBRAS SHOULD NEVER WEAR WALKMANS.

I'M TIRED OF BEING A LOSER. I'M GONNA FORM A CLUB. IF YOU'RE IN A CLUB, PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE COOL.
WHAT WILL YOU CALL IT?
I DUNNO... HOW ABOUT "SUPER TERRIFIC DUDES"?
GOOD, BUT REALLY COOL CLUBS USE AN ACRONYM.
THAT'S RIGHT, LADIES... I'M AN S.T.D.

DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN TELL HOW LONG A COUPLE HAS BEEN TOGETHER BY HOW THEY ACT WITH EACH OTHER
IT'S TRUE FOR EXAMPLE THOSE TWO OVER THERE ARE NEWLYWEDS SEE THEY'RE ALL LOVING AND ROMANTIC TOUCHING AND HOLDING HANDS
AND THOSE TWO OVER THERE HAVE BEEN MARRIED ABOUT A YEAR YOU CAN TELL BY HOW THEY'RE STILL TALKING TO EACH OTHER
AND THAT COUPLE THERE HAS BEEN TOGETHER TEN YEARS THEY NO LONGER EVEN FIGHT BECAUSE THERE'S SOME SORT OF INTERACTION WHICH BY NOW THEY AVOID ENTIRELY
OH AND THEN THERE'S THESE GUYS OVER HERE THEY'VE BEEN TOGETHER FIFTY YEARS
COUPLE I JUST SEE SOME GUY EATING BY HIMSELF
THAT'S RIGHT

BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...
BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...
YOU'RE A PIG, NOT A DELIVERY TRUCK.
ONE CAN NEVER BE TOO SAFE BACKING UP.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
A STUPID CHAIN LETTER. IT SAYS I'LL DIE IF I DON'T FORWARD THIS TO FIVE HUNDRED PEOPLE.
WHY DO THEY BOTHER?? IT'S NOT LIKE SOME MORON IS GONNA BELIEVE THEM AND SEND OUT FIVE HUNDRED STUPID LETTERS.
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME. PLEASE DON'T KILL ME. PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.

I GOT CALLED FOR JURY DUTY.
DID THEY ASSIGN YOU TO A CASE YET?
NO. YOU HAVE TO MEET ALL THESE RIDICULOUSLY RIGID QUALIFICATIONS.
...AND AS A JUROR, COULD YOU BE FAIR AND IMPARTIAL?
SURE...
IF THE PRICE IS RIGHT.
NEXT.