Pearls Before Swine | Search

FOR MY REPORT ON WORLD WAR TWO TONIGHT, I BROUGHT ALONG A VISUAL AID.
IT'S A LUFFA. I GOT IT FROM MY SHOWER.
YOU MAY SAY, "WHAT'S A LUFFA HAVE TO DO WITH IT?" ... WELL, LET ME TELL YOU....
THE LUFFA WAS THE GERMANS' PRIMARY MEANS OF ATTACKING OTHER NATIONS... THE DREADED LUFFA WAS --
UH... PIG?...
YES, PROFESSOR CONLEY?
THE GERMANS ATTACKED WITH THE LUFTWAFFE, WHICH WAS THEIR AIR FORCE. THEY DIDN'T ATTACK ANYONE WITH LUFFAS.
BACK SCRUB, ANYONE?

I LOVE THIS CHINESE RESTAURANT BECAUSE I ALWAYS GET GREAT FORTUNE COOKIES.
LOOK AT MINE... "SUCCESS WILL FOLLOW YOUR EVERY ENDEAVOR"... HEH HEH... READ YOURS, PIG...
THAT CHICKEN YOU ATE WAS NO CHICKEN.
HEY... LET'S VISIT THAT PET STORE NEXT DOOR.

DID WE GET ANY MAIL?
NO.
DID ANYONE CALL?
NO.
ANY FAXES?
NO.
ANY E-MAIL?
NO.
AS OUR MEANS OF COMMUNICATION GROW, SO DOES MY AWARENESS THAT I HAVE NO FRIENDS.

WHERE WERE YOU?
I RAN TO THE OCEAN.
WHY'D YOU RUN THERE?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE WATER GOES.
YOU NEED TO STOP DROPPING YOUR KEYS DOWN THE TOILET.
MAYBE WE COULD MOVE CLOSER TO THE COAST.

LOOK AT THIS NATURE SHOW. THE ZEBRAS ARE CROSSING A BIG STREAM, BUT THIS ONE L'IL GUY STOPPED TO PLAY GAMES IN THE WATER.
THAT "GAME" IS HIM BEING CAUGHT IN THE MOUTH OF A HUNGRY CROCODILE WHO'S TOSSING HIM AROUND IN ORDER TO TRY AND BREAK HIS NECK.
I PREFER "MARCO POLO."

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
THE HUMPHREY BOGART NEWSLETTER...I PUT IT OUT EVERY WEEK TO KEEP FANS UP TO DATE ON WHAT BOGART'S DOING.
BOGART'S DEAD, PIG.
Dear Fans,
Big news...

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
ANOTHER LETTER TO MY FAVORITE MOVIE STAR. ALL I WANT IS ONE LOUSY AUTOGRAPH FROM THE GUY.
WHO IS IT?
HUMPHREY BOGART.
...PERSISTENCE IS KEY.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
MY PIT O' USELESS BLOWHARDS... I FILTER THEM OUT OF SOCIETY, AND PUT THEM HERE, OUT OF HARMS WAY...
YEAH, I'M BURT... I CALL TALK RADIO SHOWS AND GIVE MY GREAT OPINION ON VARIOUS ISSUES BECAUSE I AM WITHOUT A MEANINGFUL EXISTENCE OF MY OWN...
AND I'M VIVIAN... MY CAR IS PLASTERED WITH OVER TWENTY BUMPER STICKERS... AND I TELL EVERYONE WHO PASSES ME EVERYTHING THEY NEED TO KNOW HOW SMART I AM...
I'M CHUCK... I'M A SPORTS NUT AND I BELIEVE THAT DEBATING THE HIGH SALARIES OF PRO ATHLETES IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN LIFE ITSELF...
THIS IS WRONG, RAT... THESE PEOPLE ARE SIMPLY VOICING THEIR OPINIONS... THAT'S WHAT MAKES A DEMOCRACY WORK.
YEAH, THIS IS BURT FROM ABYAW, AND I THINK I WAS WRONG TO BUY THE ZEBRA ALIVE...
... FOR THE MONEY HE MAKES, HE SHOULD'VE MADE A 48YARD BURYTHE ZEBRA.

WHAT AN HONOR IT IS TO MEET YOU. YOUR WORK RECALLS THE IRONIC SENSIBILITY OF LICHTENSTEIN, ALTHOUGH THE INFLUENCE OF CALDER AND JOHNS IS OBVIOUS.
MAY WE ASK WHO YOU TRAINED UNDER?
PEPE, THE NIGHT JANITOR.

EXCUSE ME, FOLKS, BUT THAT'S MY MOP.
OF COURSE IT'S YOUR MOP.
IT'S YOUR MOP... IT'S MY MOP...
A PIECE LIKE THIS TAPS INTO THE COLLECTIVE UNCONSCIOUS OF ALL OF US.
NO. I MEAN... I PUT IT THERE.
HONEY! THE ARTISTE!!

I HEARD YOU GOT FIRED FROM YOUR JANITOR JOB AT THE MUSEUM.
I DID. BUT I GOT A NEW JOB AT A MODERN ART MUSEUM ACROSS TOWN.
HOW'S IT GOING?
PRETTY GOOD. BUT I MISPLACED MY STUPID MOP TODAY.
STUNNING.

GOAT SAYS YOU DESTROYED A REMBRANDT PAINTING.
YEAH... BUT IT'S OKAY. I TAPED IT UP.
I WAS MORE WORRIED ABOUT THE BIG SCRATCH I MADE ON THE FLOOR. I LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR A SCOURING PAD, BUT WE WERE OUT.
GEEZ. ANOTHER EMPTY ONE!

HOW WAS YOUR FIRST NIGHT AS A JANITOR AT THE ART GALLERY?
NOT GOOD... I PUT MY HEAD THROUGH A PAINTING
WHICH PAINTING??
I THINK HIS NAME WAS REMBRANDT.
FORTUNATELY, THEY'VE GOT OTHER STUFF BY THE GUY.

DID YOU HEAR PIG GOT A JOB AS A JANITOR AT THE ART MUSEUM?
WHAT'S HE DO?
HE JUST GOES IN AFTER HOURS AND CLEANS... I THINK HE'S GOT THE REMBRANDT WING.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE DUSTED THAT.

THE ADVENTURES OF DETECTIVE BOB BY RAT
DETECTIVE BOB SEARCHED THE ENTIRE HOUSE FOR EVIDENCE.
HE WALKED INTO THE KITCHEN AND FOUND A BOWL OF STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM.
DETECTIVE BOB PLUNGED BOTH HANDS INTO THE ICE CREAM, SPLASHING THE ICE CREAM EVERYWHERE.
"WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" ASKED SENIOR INSPECTOR DAVE.
"LOOKING FOR EVIDENCE," REPLIED BOB.
"YOU IDIOT!!" YELLED THE SENIOR INSPECTOR. "THAT'S JUST ICE CREAM.
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME LOOKING IN THERE."
"WHY IS THAT?" ASKED BOB.
DON'T SAY IT... PLEASE DON'T SAY IT.
"BECAUSE THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING, BOB."

I THREW A COIN IN A WISHING WELL TODAY.
DID YOU GET YOUR WISH?
YES.
I DIDN'T FALL IN AND DROWN.

BOY, IF THAT GUY OVER THERE KEEPS TALKING, I LITERALLY THINK MY EARS ARE GONNA FALL OFF
I'M SO SICK OF IDIOTS LIKE YOU MISUSING THE WORD "LITERALLY"... IT MEANS IT WILL ACTUALLY HAPPEN. IT'S NOT A SYNONYM FOR "REALLY."
COME AGAIN?

LOOK AT THIS PSYCHOLOGY SHOW… IT’S ON THE OEDIPAL COMPLEX.
OH, I HAVE THAT.
GEE, PIG… THAT’S QUITE AN ADMISSION.
IT’S TRUE… I LIKE TO EAT EVERYTHING.
THAT’S EDIBLE.
WHAT IS? I SURE AM HUNGRY.

LOOK AT THIS NATURE SHOW. ONE ZEBRA IS ATTACKED BY A LION AND THE REST OF THE HERD FLEES.
WHY DON'T THEY WAKE UP AND REALIZE THERE'S A HUNDRED OF THEM AND ONLY ONE LION?
THEY'RE LOUSY AT MATH.

HEY, PIG..... WELCOME TO OUR PARTY.
THANKS FOR INVITING ME.
WOW... RIPPED SHIRT, VELVET PANTS... YOU MAKING A FASHION STATEMENT?
OH, NO... I'M JUST FOLLOWING THE DIRECTIONS ON THE INVITATION.
WHAT DOES R.S.V.P. STAND FOR?

WE SHOULD GET A NEW LAWN MOWER.

WHY?
BECAUSE NEIGHBOR BOB JUST BOUGHT ONE.
AND IF NEIGHBOR BOB JUMPED OFF A TEN-STORY BUILDING, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
I'D TAKE HIS LAWN MOWER.

HERE YOU GO, SIR.
YOUR PEANUT.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOUR PEANUT.
ONE PEANUT??...I REMEMBER WHEN YOU GUYS SERVED REAL FOOD, THEN IT BECAME JUST PEANUTS, THEN A REAL TINY BAG OF PEANUTS...NOW I JUST GET ONE PEANUT?
NOT EXACTLY, SIR...YOU NEED TO SPLIT IT WITH THE OTHER PASSENGERS IN YOUR SECTION.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS! JUST GET ME MY DRINK.
HERE YOU GO, SIR...
AN ICE CUBE? ALL I GET IS ONE STUPID ICE CUBE?
NO, SIR...YOU NEED TO TAKE A LICK AND PASS IT ON.
I'M GONNA DIE...I JUST LICKED IT AND IT WAS GREAT...AAAAAAAH AAARAAAHCOH!
YOU'RE HOGGING THE CUBE, BRO.

Dear Julia Roberts,
You are a "pretty woman".
Ha Ha Ha. Do you get it?
P.S. I hope so, because
that joke took me about
three weeks to write.

I LOVE THE FORTUNE COOKIES I GET AT THIS RESTAURANT... THIS ONE SAYS "YOU WILL FEAST LIKE A KING." HEH HEH... READ YOURS, PIG.
"YOU WILL BE MONKEY FOOD."
GUESS I SHOULD CANCEL MY ZOO MEMBERSHIP.

THIS DARN CROSSWORD PUZZLE IS IMPOSSIBLE.
WHAT WORD ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
A THREE-LETTER WORD FOR "CANINE" BEGINNING WITH THE LETTER "D."
DUMMY.
I THINK THAT HAS TOO MANY LETTERS.