Pearls Before Swine | Search

I HERD YOUR
ZEBRA HERD HAS
STARTED A
"JOKES FOR LIFE"
PROGRAM.
YEAH. WE GO
TO THE
CROCODILES
AND TELL
THEM JOKES.
WE BELIEVE THAT INTRODUCING
HUMOR INTO THEIR LIVES MAY
MAKE THEM MORE CIVILIZED
AND LESS LIKELY TO KILL US.
WHAT ZEBRA SAY BEFORE I
EAT HIM?
WHAT ZEBRA SAY?
WHO CARE?
HE TASTE SO GUD.
HAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHA

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA GET THE BATHROOM DOOR FIXED? IT'S STILL STICKING.
BUT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CONSTRUCTION.
WHAT'S THERE TO KNOW? JUST PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL A FIX-IT GUY.
SO WHAT WILL THIS ENTIRELY NEW FOUNDATION COST?
NO WAY TO TELL… JUST SIGN BELOW.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN IF YOU ARE GIVEN SOMETHING POSTHUMOUSLY?
I THINK IT MEANS THEY KICK YOU IN THE REAR.
THAT'S "POSTERIOR"... "POSTHUMOUS" IS AFTER YOU DIE.
I'D HATE TO GET KICKED IN THE REAR AFTER I DIE.

I'M GOING INTO THE SPORTING GOODS INDUSTRY.
I FOND A MARKET NEED. SEE... ANYONE THAT WANTS TO PLAY FOOTBALL HAS ONLY ONE CHOICE TO USE THIS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
BOOOORING... PEOPLE WANT VARIETY IN THEIR FOOTBALLS... THUS, I'VE INVENTED THIS...
IT'S THE "BIG, THE ANGRY SMOKER FOOTBALL" ... THE CIGARETTE IS OPTIONAL, OF COURSE.
HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH THAT??
WELL, SPIRALS MAY BE HARD, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, I'D BE FINE.
WANNA TOSS IT AROUND?
SURE.
IGOT IT IGOT IT
NUTS.. IT GOT STUCK IN THAT TREE.
THAT'S OKAY. WE'LL GET IT TOMORROW

I'M THINKING ABOUT BUYING A CHASE LOUNGE.
HEH HEH... THAT'S STUPID.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
'CAUSE WHEN I WANT TO RELAX, I DON'T WANT ANYONE RUNNING AFTER ME.
"CHAISE" . . . .
C-H-A-I-S-E.
I KNOW HOW TO SPELL IT, THANK YOU.

RAT, MY FATHER SAYS I HAVE TO STOP SEEING YOU.
BUT FARINA, YOU’RE THE ONLY BUBBLE GIRL I’VE EVER LOVED.
I’M SO SORRY... PLEASE DON’T MAKE IT HARDER. LISTEN, I LEFT YOU A LITTLE GIFT TO REMIND YOU OF ME. I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, RAT...

MY FATHER WON'T WANT US TO GET MARRIED. HE DOESN'T APPROVE OF MIXED MARRIAGES.
MIXED MARRIAGES?
YES...I'M A BUBBLE GIRL AND YOU'RE NOT A BUBBLE BOY.
BEER, SON?
SURE, POPS...JUST POUR IT THROUGH THE HOLE.

FARINA, IF WE GET MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN, WILL THEY BE BUBBLE KIDS OR REGULAR KIDS?
BUBBLE KIDS, OF COURSE.
GOOD. I'VE NEVER BEEN MUCH OF A HUGGER.

WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH, FARINA?
I'D LOVE TO...
ISN'T IT LOVELY? THE SAND...
THE SURF... THE...
...FARINA????

FARINA, I THINK I'M STARTING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
WHY IS THAT?
WELL, NORMALLY I HAVE TROUBLE WITH RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE I ALWAYS LIKE TO KEEP A LITTLE EMOTIONAL DISTANCE. BUT WITH YOU IN THE BUBBLE, IT'S PERFECT.
FARINA... CAN I TOUCH YOUR BUBBLE??
LET'S WAIT... IT'LL BE MORE SPECIAL.

WHAT HAPPENED TO PIG?
HE GOT HIT BY THE ICE CREAM TRUCK HAPPENS EVERY SUNDAY.
EVERY SUNDAY? WHY?
WHEN HE HEARS THAT ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC, HE JUST GOES NUTS AND CHARGES INTO THE STREET.
DOESN'T THE DRIVER STOP?
NO, HE USED TO, BUT IT TOOK A REAL TOLL ON HIS BRAKES.
SO NOW HE JUST HITS HIM AND TOSSES OUT A PINT FOR WHEN HE WAKES UP.
WHERE'S THE FUDGE POP?
IT GETS STOLEN BY ROLAND, THE FAT KID DOWN THE BLOCK.
DUMB PIG.
SO WHY'S THAT STUPID PIG KEEP DOING IT?
BECAUSE WHEN HE WAKES UP, I TELL HIM HE WON THE SUPER BOWL.
OOOOOOHHHHHHHH... HIS HEAD HURTS.
WE'RE NUMBER ONE!! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!!!
I'M STILL HUNGRY!

I THINK I'M GONNA START WRITING THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A BIG HOLLYWOOD STAR.
YOU CAN'T... AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY CAN ONLY BE WRITTEN BY THE PERSON WHOSE LIFE IS THE SUBJECT OF THE BOOK. UNLESS THEY WANT HELP FROM A GHOST WRITER.
KATHARINE HEPBURN'S HOUSE WAS HAUNTED...
VERY HAUNTED...

FARINA, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO A DRIVE-THRU MOVIE WITH ME?
I CAN'T... I DON'T FIT IN THE CAR.
I'M SURE WE CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT.
HOW'S YOUR POPCORN?

THANKS FOR PUSHING ME UP THIS HILL, RAT.
SURE, FARINA. I REALLY WANTED YOU TO SEE THE VIEW.
YOU SURE ARE QUIET TONIGHT.

GOSH, FARINA, HOW DO YOU LIVE IN THERE?
PLEASE DON'T GET SO CLOSE TO THE AIR FILTER HOLE.
OH, DON'T BE SO
AAAACHOOO!!!!!
HEY, SORRY THERE.

FARINA, COULD YOU PLEASE PASS THE POTATOES ?
I GUESS I CAN GET THEM MYSELF.

MY SISTER FARINA IS COMING OVER.
THE ONE THAT'S SO PARANOID ABOUT GERMS SHE WORE GLOVES TO OUR HOUSE?
YEAH... AND APPARENTLY, SHE'S WEIRDER ABOUT IT THAN EVER.
IT DOESN'T GET MUCH WEIRDER THAN THAT.
HI.

HI, PIGTA. IT'S ME, PIGITA.
HI, PIGTA.
PIG, I'VE BEEN THINKING... WE'VE BEEN DATING A FEW WEEKS AND I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO MAKE A COMMITMENT.
INSTINCT PROPELS THE SALMON BACK TO THE RIVER.
IF YOU'RE NOT READY, WE'RE FINISHED.
THE SALMON STRUGGLES UPSTREAM. DANGER LURKS AT EVER TURN.
I WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY.
THE SALMON REACHES THE SPAWNING GROUND AND FULFILLS HIS APPOINTED TASK.
SO WHAT'S YOUR ANSWER?
HIS DUTY DONE, THE SALMON DIES A LONELY DEATH.
PIG??
PIG WHO?
* CLICK *

I JUST READ SOME OF WALT WHITMAN'S "LEAVES OF GRASS."
HOW WAS IT?
BAD. IT CONVINCED ME THAT POETRY IS A SHAM, LIKE PRO WRESTLING OR DIET PLANS THAT LET YOU EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT.
SO THAT'S WHY I'M STILL FAT.

WHAT'S A BLACK HOLE?
A SPOT IN THE UNI-VERSE THAT IS SO DENSE THAT NOT EVEN LIGHT CAN ESCAPE.
HI, GUYS.

HOW WAS THE DRIVING RANGE?
NOT GOOD... I THINK I KILLED A GUY WITH ONE OF MY SHOTS.
YOU WHAT...??
OH, RELAX... I GAVE HIM PLENTY OF WARNING.
FORE.

I'LL HAVE THE SOUP DU JOUR.
FINE. SOUP OF THE DAY FOR YOU.
OH, NO... I DON'T WANT THE SOUP OF THE DAY.
THE SOUP OF THE DAY IS THE SOUP DU JOUR.
OH, GREAT... I THOUGHT IT WAS THAT LOUSY CLAM CHOWDER.
IT IS.
OH... GEEZ... THEN JUST GIVE ME THE SOUP DU JOUR.

HERE ARE YOUR FRIED WONTONS, GENTLEMEN.
HEY BABY... HOW 'BOUT A LITTLE ACTION ?
SURE THING, SWEETIE... MY PLATE OR YOURS ?
I CAN'T STAND WANTON WONTONS.

MY ZEBRA HERD HELD A "TUPPERWARE" PARTY TO TRY AND TAKE THEIR MINDS OFF THE LIONS.
HOW'D IT GO?
BAD... THE LIONS CRASHED IT AND FEASTED ON ALL THE ZEBRAS.
WELL AT LEAST THEY HAD SOMEWHERE TO PUT THEIR LEFTOVERS.

A FOOTBALL GAME.
DID JOHN REMEMBER HIS WATCH?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU DUMB PIG?
IN EVERY GAME I SEE, THERE'S ALWAYS THIS GUY NAMED JOHN WHO FORGETS HIS WATCH...SO SOME BUDDY OF HIS HAS TO TELL HIM WHAT TIME IT IS.
SO THE BUDDY HOLDS UP THIS BIG SIGN THAT SAYS, "JOHN 3:16."
OH, GREAT...NOW LUKE FORGOT HIS WATCH.